Original subtitles

How come so many of these are lemon-scented?

Because lemon smells nice, I guess.

Well, in that case, why don't they make one

that smells like old sneakers?

Manly, yes

but I like it too.

Lynn, uh, you want me to dry?

Thanks, dad.

Hey, look, you could tell fortunes with these.

Behold, a Fantastik Future.

Ha!

Dare I ask what's behind this fascination

with cleaning products?

Cleaning.

I thought I'd help out now that Kate's in detox.

[chuckles]

ALF, she's not in detox.

She went to a real estate seminar.

That's your story.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, great.

I was just gonna wax and buff in there.

ALF, I hate to stifle your generosity

but I don't think we can afford any more of your help.

Hey, if you're referring to the striped shirt incident

I got the stains out of it, didn't I?

You also got the stripes out.

Willie, Willie. You're so negative.

Take my advice.

Gain Joy.

You take mine.

Vanish.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- Danny, hi. - Hi.

Did you come by for anything special or was that it?

My dad just told me that I have to go

to our family reunion in San Diego.

Lucky you. Our family reunion was in Oxnard.

No, unlucky me.

I'm not gonna make it back in time

to take you to the spring dance tomorrow.

- Oh, no. - I know, I fe..

I feel really terrible.

Yeah!

Well...you didn't just go out and buy a dress

that you're gonna have to hide the bill

from your father for...it.

And you're the English tutor.

[chuckles]

I'm-I'm really sorry about this.

Well, there'll be other dances, I guess.

Yeah.

Do you want a soda or something?

I can't. I've gotta go help my mom make coleslaw.

I just wanted to comfort you in person.

There. Are you comforted now?

Not quite.

There. Better?

It'll do for now.

Uh, I-I'll call you when I get back.

Great!

- Bye. - Bye.

[sighs]

- Let's call Kate again. - Why?

I forgot to tell her something.

- What? - That I washed her new sweater.

Uh, on second thought, that could be a surprise.

Who was that at the door, sweetheart?

- Danny. - Uh-oh. Boy troubles?

Dad, really.

You make it sound like I'm 12 years old.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[clears throat] What's the problem?

Just a little..

...difficulty with..

...a guy.

And you say you understand your daughter.

Danny can't go to the dance tomorrow night.

Oh, what a shame.

I was really looking forward to it.

Well, isn't there somebody else you can go with?

I think I might be free.

I'll check my week at a glance.

It wouldn't be right to get another date.

Danny and I are going steady.

Kind of.

Well, did you exchange socks?

- No. - Trade bellybutton lint?

What exactly are you talking about?

The three stages of courtship on Melmac

exchange left socks, trade bellybutton lint

and spit in each other's soup.

Well, you got to admit it's a bond.

When did you and Danny decide that you were going steady?

There wasn't one specific moment.

But he's not seeing any other girls?

He didn't say that exactly.

But he doesn't want you to date other guys?

I don't know. He probably doesn't.

So you have no promises, no lint, no spit.

What do you have?

If you need me, I'll be in my room.

This problem would be solved if she would just hocktooey

into Danny's chowder.

That's disgusting.

Know what's wrong with you, Willie?

No sense of romance.

[instrumental music]

Expansive.

[whispering] Expansive. Expansive.

Widely extended or comprehensive?

Right.

Expedient.

[whispering] Expedient. Expedient. Expedient.

Suitable for a purpose?

Uh, was that right?

Oh, I'm sorry. It-it was.

I guess my mind was just someplace else.

[sighs] Exasperate.

[whispering] Exasperate. Exasperate.

To frustrate or annoy?

Tell me about it.

To annoy or frustrate?

[chuckles] I'm sorry, Randy.

You were right the first time. I was just thinking out loud.

I wish I could do that.

What do you mean?

Thinking and stuff because I'm stupid.

No, you're not.

Sure I am. Everybody says so.

Well, everybody is wrong.

You're not stupid, you're..

...quiet.

It's hard to think of stuff to say when you're stupid.

You are not stupid.

You're learning these vocabulary words in no time.

Well, that's because of you.

You're...you know, brilliant.

Randy, I'm hardly brilliant.

Sure you are.

And earnest and empathetic..

...and...exorbitant.

Exorbitant?

I wasn't sure about that one.

You're very sweet.

Hey, Randy. How's it going?

- Okay. - Well, good.

How are things with the track team?

Okay.

Still putting the old shot?

Yeah.

How's the vocabulary going?

Okay.

Keep up the good work.

Okay.

Oh, uh, Julie called a little earlier.

It was something about the dance.

Oh, did you tell her I'm not going?

Yeah, but she-she wants you to call her anyway.

Okay. Thanks.

Nice talking to you, Randy.

- I gotta go. - Okay.

- I'll see you next Saturday. - Okay.

So I guess I won't see you tonight at the dance, huh?

- Oh. Are you going? - No.

Oh, me neither. But you knew that.

- Yeah. - Did you wanna take those--

So I guess we're not going together.

I mean, like, you know

we're not going together.

I mean, we're not going not together.

Yes. We aren't.

Unless...you wanted to go together.

Just since we're not going not together.

Oh.

Oh, you mean, us with each other?

- Yeah, exactly. - Oh, I don't know if--

- Oh, that's okay. - Oh.

No, it's not that. It's just that, see, Danny and I were..

See, we have this understanding, which we..

Sure. Why not?

It might be fun.

Okay.

7 o'clock?

Okay.

- Thank you. - Oh, they're not from me.

Lynn, look at this.

Mom's silver stuff. So?

It's miraculous.

Look.

ALF, it's silver polish.

But it zips through your cleaning chores

quicker than you ever dreamed possible.

You need a life. I'm going to wash my hair.

Randy's taking me to the dance.

Better be a slow dance.

Ha!

Oh, and if mom calls

double-check her flight time tonight.

Righty-o!

Makes cleaning your silver

almost as much fun as tarnishing it.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Uh, uh, no, she can't come to the phone right now.

Oh, hi, Danny. Uh, me?

Oh, I'm Lynn's cousin Alf...fred.

Alfred. Yeah.

Uh, how's San Diego?

Oh, really?

No, no, don't bother rushing back.

Lynn's got another date for the dance.

Hello? Hello?

[instrumental music]

[video game beeps]

Has anybody seen my black velvet purse?

Laundry room. I washed it for you.

How bad is it?

Looks like a drowned beaver. I think you might like it.

Check it out.

That's okay.

Can we order the pizza now?

Ixnay on the izza-pay

in front of your ister-say.

No pizza, ALF. You just ate.

But we wanted to give Kate a homecoming gift.

And what could be more appropriate

than a greasy cardboard box?

ALF, you'd better get in the kitchen.

Randy will be here any minute.

I just hope Danny doesn't misunderstand

my going to the dance with someone else.

He didn't sound too mad on the phone.

What?

Of course, he did hang up on me.

What?

Did I neglect to mention that Danny called

while you were in the shower?

Yes!

Sorry.

He called while you were in the shower.

So, Bri, what say we make some popcorn?

Yeah.

ALF..

...what have you done?

Nothing. It's Danny.

You shouldn't date somebody so unreliable.

What did he say?

Just that he could make it back in time

for the dance after all.

- ALF! - Don't worry.

I told him not to bother 'cause you had another date.

You're welcome.

It's not a real date, it's just Randy.

Because we're friends and we were not

going not together.

Don't panic. I not know what not to do.

What?

Call Randy, you tell him you have amnesia.

Better yet, tell him he has amnesia.

He'll buy that.

Alright, you tell him the truth.

Your boyfriend's back and he's gonna be in trouble.

Hey now, hey now, your boyfriend's back.

I can't believe this.

I know what you mean.

I can't believe Bruce Willis is a star

but there it is!

I was going to explain to Danny

that I'm just going with Randy as a friend.

Now, thanks to you he's gonna think

that I'm seeing somebody else.

[doorbell rings]

There's Randy.

But don't think this means you're off the hook.

Well, this is the last time

I play Kelly Girl for you.

Good.

Danny.

You, uh, you mind if I come in?

[instrumental music]

So...who is he?

Danny, I can explain.

No, I'm not even gone one day and

and you're already bringing in somebody from the bench.

It wasn't like that.

You said you couldn't be here

I didn't wanna miss the dance

somebody else asked me, and I said yes.

Who? Who asked you?

Randy Boylan.

No, really, Lynn, you can tell me. Who is he?

Randy. He happens to be very sweet.

Besides, you said you couldn't go to the dance.

What did you expect me to do

just sit home and stare at your picture?

I spent the whole day talking my dad

into letting me come back.

I call to tell you, and your cousin Alfred informs me

that you're going with somebody else.

Unfortunately, Alfred isn't the most

reliable source of information around here.

I am going with someone else, but he's just a friend.

Alright. Alright.

It's no big deal.

Randy will show up, you'll give him

the brush and then we're out of here.

Danny, just because you..

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

- Hi. - Hi, Randy.

Hey, I didn't know if you liked candy or what.

Very smooth, man.

- Danny, please. - Hey, Danny.

I would like to explain this.

What's to explain? Just tell him.

Tell him what?

How about some soda first?

What kind you got?

Oh, yeah.

Will you stop playing hostess? We're gonna be late.

Late for what?

The dance.

I'm confused.

Now there's a newsflash.

How can you tell when the popcorn's done?

When it stops popping

or when the fire department gets here

whichever comes first.

What's going on out there?

Danny just broke Lynn's date with Randy.

Is Randy mad?

He doesn't know yet.

The information has entered his head

and is now searching desperately for his brain.

Wait a minute.

- I think he's getting it. - Danny.

Danny and I had a date for the dance tonight..

...which he broke.

Well, if he broke your date, then you can go with me.

W-well, I-I'm un-breaking the date.

I'm takin' her.

I'm takin' her.

In that jacket?

What's wrong with this jacket?

Oh, nothing, if you happen to sell Buicks.

Yeah. What about your jacket?

What about it?

It's okay.

Are they fighting yet?

No. They're discussing fashion trends.

You want salt on your yours?

Curry powder.

Yuck.

It's good for you.

Grows hair in your ears.

Why are those guys fighting over Lynn, anyway?

It's a little hard to explain.

I mean, it's not like she's Heather Locklear.

Maybe I don't have to explain.

Really, guys, I don't think I'm worth--

Lynn, please. This is between Randy and me.

Now, look, I don't wanna fight about this.

Why not? Afraid I'll mess up your jacket?

Hey, this jacket comes off.

Yeah? Well, see if you head does too.

Ten bucks says Randy mops up the floor with Danny.

I don't take sucker bets.

Uh-oh. Incoming sister.

[sighs] What am I going to do?

They're hanging up their jackets.

Oh, no.

Stop them before they iron Willie's shirts.

ALF, help me. They're gonna fight.

- I've got to stop them. - Oh, sure, Lynn.

I'll just zap them with my time-freezing phaser.

We saw that on "Star Trek."

I wish mom and dad were here.

Well, you know what Willie would say.

What?

You got yourself into this, get yourself out.

ALF, he'd say that to you.

This isn't my fault.

Wait a minute.

Maybe it is.

That's it. Thanks, ALF.

No problem. Diplomacy is my middle name.

Okay, if you insist on playing this game

you're gonna play by my rules.

- What rules? - You each only get one punch.

- One's all I need. - Okay, Randy, you go first.

Hit me.

Hit you?

- You're a girl. - Right.

I'm the girl that caused this mess.

So, why aren't either of you mad at me?

- I'll tell you why. - Oh, good.

Because this isn't about me.

It's about some kind of macho thing.

This guy is moving in on my territory.

Your territory?

What do I look like, the Louisiana Purchase?

Yeah. Beat it.

And who asked you to play Rambo for me?

I'm sorry.

Randy, I said I'd go to the dance with you

because I think you're sweet

not because you can beat people up.

You mean, you still wanna go with me?

Yes. I do.

Okay.

Oh, hey, hold on a minute--

Danny, may I please see you on the porch?

No. A-anything you have to say--

Porch.

Look, none of this was Randy's fault.

Oh, I suppose it was my fault.

Danny, you raced back here

assuming I'd be sitting around waiting for you.

- Well, I wasn't. - We have been dating.

Exactly. We've been dating.

No more, no less.

Wh.. You're not saying that you wanna stop seeing me?

Not at all.

Are you saying you wanna stop seeing me?

No!

Well...then..

If you wanna get more serious

I...I think we should talk about it.

Okay. Let's talk about it.

- Okay. - Okay.

Lynn..

...how do you feel about..

...being serious?

I feel okay.

Okay.

Okay.

So does this mean that you won't go to the dance with Randy?

No. He's my friend, he asked me and I accepted.

Yeah.

Well, I-I guess, that's okay.

- Thank you for your permission. - No. Wait. I didn't mean..

I'm sorry. Let me start again.

How would you feel if we..

...be serious

starting tomorrow?

Okay.

Okay.

Well, have a good time tonight.

- I will. - But not too good.

- And-and be home by 11. - 11?

Alright. 11:30.

There. Are you comforted now?

Not quite.

- Better? - No.

- Goodnight. - Night.

Oh, and-and tell Randy I'm sorry I insulted his jacket.

And his mother.

Will do.

Shall we go?

Okay.

Night, Bri. Night...dad.

Thanks for your help.

(ALF) 'Night, daughter. Be home by 11.'

They didn't even hit each other once. What a gyp.

You shouldn't look at violence as entertainment.

It's not good for your development.

Come on, Geraldo's on Morton Downey. Grab a chair.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(Kate) 'Thanks, honey.'

Careful, Kate, the floor is still wet.

No, it's not. It's just that I've cleaned it

right down to the shine.

I have never seen this kitchen

look so spotless.

Even the light fixtures look cleaner.

And they are.

And it smells like..

Like a pine forest just after a rain.

- Exactly. - Check out the dishes.

I can see myself in that dish.

The whole kitchen looks terrific, ALF.

Yeah. It's amazing how versatile that Ty-D-Bol stuff is.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughs]