Original subtitles

Jake.

Jake of diamonds.

J-K-L-M-N-O-P.

Huh? Oh.

Are you still thinking about that girl?

Ever since I saw her star in the school play

I can't think of nothin' else.

What do they call this temptress?

Her name is..

...Laura.

And how does...Laura..

...feel about...Jake?

She doesn't know I'm alive.

No problem, you walk up to her and say

"Hi, I'm Jake Ochmonek. Feel my pulse."

Did I mention her amazin' eyes?

Yeah, they're on springs and they bounce out of her head.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Hi, guys, what's up?

Jake's got the flying hots for this girl at school.

But anytime he gets near her, he spaces.

- ALF! - Did I leave something out?

ALF, I-I think you may be embarrassing Jake.

Really?

Kate, you're good at unsolicited advice.

Tell Jake what to do.

Well..

Maybe it would be easier if you called this girl on the phone.

I could, but if I did, I'd die.

He can't seem to talk to the opposite sex these days.

Well, if it would be any help at all

you could practice on me.

I-it wouldn't be the same, Mrs. Tanner.

Laura's much more..

She's beautiful.

I see.

You've got a way with women.

You don't understand.

Sure, I do.

Hey, I was once hooked on a babe named Rhonda.

When I tried to say hi to her I sounded like Gomer Pyle.

- Talkin', not singin'. - Then what'd you do?

I wrote her letters from a secret admirer.

I-I don't think I could do that.

Okay, then let me write it for ya.

- I don't know. - Come on, Jake.

Let me make your love connection.

Think of me as your wooly Chuck Woolery.

Okay. Alright, maybe just one.

Great.

[instrumental music]

Hi, ALF.

Willie, what's another word for beautiful?

Umm, attractive.

What's another word for attractive?

Uh, alluring.

What's another word for alluring?

Annoying.

What's another word for annoying?

- ALF. - That won't work.

It doesn't rhyme with oh, baby.

What are you working on there?

This is a missive of love on behalf of young Jake Ochmonek.

Jake...is in love?

Disgustingly so.

But he thinks of himself as just another scrawny

gawky, geeky kid.

You remember the feeling, Willie.

[chuckling] Ah..

You better, uh, you better be careful, ALF.

You can get into trouble playing Cyrano.

Is that like Monopoly?

No, I'm talking about "Cyrano de Bergerac."

It's a play. I-I've got a copy of it somewhere.

It's-it's a classical French play

about a man named Christian

who falls in love with a beautiful woman

but he is too embarrassed to talk to her.

- That sounds like Jake. - Exactly.

So he gets his friend Cyrano

to-to write a letter to the girl for him

because Cyrano is-is so gifted and sensitive.

That sounds like me.

Cyrano's a great romantic

but he is ashamed to talk to women in person

because he's got a very big..

And they all lived happily ever after.

Whoa, whoa! Big-big-big...big what?

Umm, mmm, nose.

- Huh? - Umm, nose.

What?

Very large nose.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Well, I thought I.. I mean, I.. I thought I--

You thought I might be offended

because this Cyrano guy had a jumbo hooter

and I happen to take a husky in snout warmers?

Oh, yes.

No problem. I'm not that vain.

Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I..

I guess I misjudged you.

Thanks, four eyes.

[instrumental music]

(ALF) '"And what is a kiss?'

"A sacrament of roses.

The ring of a single horizon around two souls."

Four lips slobbering like a dog on raw beef.

Hi, ALF.

Not ALF. Cyrano de Melmac.

I use my powers of romance to help those not so blessed.

In this case I'm snagging a chick for Jake.

"Well, I must go. Pardon I cannot stay.

My moonbeam comes to.."

- Oh! - Excuse us.

Laura told her friend Lizzie, who told her friend Terry

who told my friend Andrew's sister, Suzanne, who told An--

Jake! Find the runway and set her down.

- She liked the letter. - Yes!

Especially the part where you compared her skin

to vanilla ice cream under the hot fudge of her hair.

I've still got it.

Laura's very curious about her secret admirer

so, uh, I was thinkin' of actually

maybe sayin' something to her.

[imitates Robot] "Danger, Will Robinson."

But you said when she takes the bait, I should reel her in.

You gotta wait till she bites, then you reel her in.

You watch her flap around the deck a while

then you gut and scale her.

Well, maybe I'm taking this metaphor too far

but you get my point.

Uh, not really.

How's this?

My prescription for love is a letter a day

for the next five days.

- If you think it's necessary. - Trust me.

I'll have her running through the streets

screaming your name.

If the cops don't pick her up, she'll be yours.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

ALF.

Jake, what's another word for beautiful?

Enough with the synonyms.

- We got problems. - Talk to me.

This morning I saw Laura walkin' along

you know, like an ordinary person.

She's very versatile.

- I tried to talk to her. - Oh, no!

I tried to be, like, you know, what's the word?

- Glib? - Right, and, uh, real..

- Smooth? - Uh-uh, and whatchamacall..

- Suave. - Yeah.

You sounded like Gomer Pyle.

I sounded like Jerry Lewis.

Now I can never tell her I'm her secret admirer.

You gotta help me.

- What can I do? - I don't know.

What would this Cyrano guy do?

Well, Cyrano didn't have to worry

about the Alien Task Force.

Can't you do anything? I'm desperate.

Maybe I can.

We have to find out where Laura will be later today.

Alright, 4 o'clock, she has her piano lesson.

5:15, at the library writing a paper

Harriet Tubman, runaway slave.

6:30, dinner at home, pot roast.

After that, homework, TV, probably "LA Law."

Thank you, Jake Edgar Hoover.

- What's her address? - 111 Hicks Street.

Just two blocks away.

Two blocks, thirteen feet.

I can traverse the alleys.

Is there shrubbery near the bedroom window?

- Bougainvillea. - Why?

Just meet me there at 10 o'clock tonight.

- Ask no questions. - Wait, what are we gonna do?

That's a question. Just be there.

Tonight, Cyrano de Melmac makes romance history.

I'll get that later.

[instrumental music]

[ALF whistling]

[ALF hooting]

- ALF! - No, I'm a whip-poor-will.

What are we doin' here?

We're going to woo the fair Laura.

I'm 15. I can't woo.

- Romeo was 15. - Yeah, and he never saw 16.

Here's the plan.

You shall proclaim your love to the object of your desire

as I remain veiled in night's velvet cloak

of darkness kibitzing.

[pounding]

ALF!

Is someone out there?

[whimpers]

(Laura) 'Fluffy, is that you?'

It is I, your secret admirer.

- Huh? - Tell her!

It is I, your secret admirer.

I-I can't see you. Come into the light.

- No. - Why not?

Uh, because night is a veil over us

making all things dimly beautiful.

Even Tommy Lasorda.

You're even funnier than your letters.

Uh..

I'm-I'm afraid I might move you to laughter.

Why are you afraid?

Because I am too lowly to dare ask for you.

Therefore my heart hides behind phrases

and my liver hides behind three of my stomachs.

You've got three stomachs?

Uh, umm, one to digest mere food

one to get queasy when you're near

and one more leading nowhere, just for show.

Wow, you're good.

Wait.

Well, she's beautiful.

On Melmac, she'd be a definite papoon.

- What's a papoon? - The number right after ten.

These are the nicest letters I've ever gotten.

'I read them over and over.'

You do?

- What? - Uh, I said you do?

(Laura) 'Yes, I do.'

Wow.

I can tell from the way you write

that you're very special.

I get the feeling you're different from other guys.

- I am! - ALF!

What's going on?

Uh, I'm tellin' myself that I've said too much.

Shut up! I'm sayin' to myself.

But I'm not listening.

You sound different. I'm coming down.

No, no, wait.

- ALF! - Yes?

- Hide. - You can't hide from love.

- Her dad's a cop. - That you can hide from.

- 'Oww!' - ALF!

- Who's back here? - Ehh..

It's me, your secret admirer.

Didn't I see you this morning?

Uh, no, that couldn't.. I-I wasn't--

- You were cute. - That was me.

- What's your name? - Jake.

- Hi, Jake. - Hi.

Uh, you, you wanna go to a movie

or something Saturday?

- Okay. - Alright!

- Can I walk you home? - Sure.

So you like "LA Law," huh?

Yeah, especially the couple with the short guy

and the tall woman.

Yes!

[ALF grunting]

You kids go ahead. Don't worry about me.

Aah! Ah!

Okay, ALF, there's-there's only one more thorn

but this one's in kind of deep.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ready.

- Urgh! - All done.

That's it? That didn't hurt so mu-u-uch!

- Sorry, ALF. - No problem.

You realize you took a big risk going out like that.

I know.

But it was very noble of you to wanna help Jake.

Thank you from the heart of my bottom.

You know, speaking those words of love tonight..

...made me realize that I'll never be with Rhonda.

Well, maybe someday you will, ALF.

Oh, don't humor me, Katherine.

Cyrano and I are both doomed to spend our lives without a mate.

At least he got to jump around with a sword and wear feathers.

I-I don't like to see you like this, ALF.

Don't worry about me.

[yawns]

I'll tell you what.

What if we go out back, uh, dig a big hole

muddy it up and then you jump in?

No, thank you.

Well, how about if I go out in the kitchen right now

and make your favorite dish?

Everything, with everything on it?

I'm not hungry.

Isn't there anything you want?

I just wanna wallow in self-pity for a while.

We will give you some privacy.

But if you happen to be near a video store

would you mind renting me something?

Well, certainly. What do you want?

- "Love Story." - Okay.

- And "Wuthering Heights." - Yeah, sure.

And the breakup episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi."

[instrumental music]

Alright, Willie, what's so important?

I was watching "Love Story."

You know the death scene is considerably more depressing

in slow motion.

ALF, you gotta cheer up.

No. I am destined to live a retched existence..

...barren of love. I am Cyrano.

You're nothing like Cyrano.

Look more closely.

Physical characteristics not withstanding.

You see, for all his poetry

Cyrano wasn't able to tell people close to him

how he really felt.

You, on the other hand, can and do..

...at all hours.

That's true.

And you've got something else.

Something that might have saved Cyrano's life.

You have the ability to laugh at yourself.

Well, I do have that ability, don't I?

Ha. Ha!

Now all I need is a woman.

I think I got that covered.

I don't want Kate.

No. Look.

I've attached the ham radio to the satellite dish

and I've pointed the dish toward the Andromeda Galaxy.

[radio static]

Very nice, Willie. You win the science fair.

No, no. Don't you see?

You'll be able to send a message to Rhonda.

Your words will travel right across the cosmos.

And then if she's tuned into the right frequency

she'll hear you.

Oh!

Okay.

Umm, hi.

Hi, Rhonda.

It's me. I..

[clears throat] I, uh, I read a play

about this guy with a big nose.

And, uh, it seems he can't have the woman he loves.

Remind you of anybody?

I was wondering if you got any letters from a secret admirer

and if you liked them.

If you did, they were from me.

If you didn't like them..

What letters?

Anyway..

...I hope you're okay.

And I never told you this before, but..

...you're a definite papoon.

Well, bye.

Well, that was beautiful, ALF.

Uh, I assume.

Thanks, Willie.

I can see clearly now.

The rain has gone.

I can see all popsicles in my way.

I'm glad.

You know, it's gonna take 146 years

for that message to get anywhere near Andromeda.

Oh, ALF, I didn't think about that. I'm-I'm sorry.

Nah, it's okay.

That's twice as fast as Melmacian Express Mail.

Ha. Ha!

[instrumental music]

Wait, wait.

Okay, go ahead.

Hi, ALF. Hi, dad.

- 'Hi, Brian.' - 'Hi.'

Dad, can you fix this whistle?

What, what's wrong with it?

Listen.

[no audio]

[thuds]

Let me see that.

Well, Brian, this is a dog whistle.

Only dogs can hear that.

Really?

[no audio]

[thuds]

(ALF) 'Dogs and Melmacians.'

You can hear that?

Oh, yeah!

Well, that's amazing.

What did it sound like?

Kind of like a freight train

running through the middle of my head

dragging Richard Simmons.

[doorbell dings]

(Jake) 'Hello, it's Jake.'

Oh, come on in, Jake.

- Hi. - 'Hi, Jake.'

- Hi. - So how went the big date?

It went pretty okay.

[chuckles] Well, that's not a very glowing report.

Was there some problem?

Well, she's real nice and everything

but she's got this laugh.

It's kinda high-pitched and it's kinda whiny.

It's kind of annoying.

So you're gonna dump Laura because of her laugh?

I'll probably go out with her again

but, uh, not to anything funny.

Nothing sounds that bad.

You said that does.

[ALF whines]

Jake, stop!

Let me have that whistle.

Sorry, ALF. Did that bother you?

Actually I'm getting to like it.

[no audio]

[thuds]

'Oh, yeah.'

'Yeah.'

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]