Original subtitles

You missed a spot.

ALF..

...I'd like to hear about it one more time.

Don't torture yourself, Willie.

- Please. Just once more. - Don't!

Why'd you flood the house?

I wanted to make a skating rink.

And how are you planning to freeze the water?

By turning the air conditioner on high.

I'd like to hear about it one more time.

Just one more, come on.

This is not a Bergman movie, Willie.

It's fairly cut and dried.

Water, air conditioner

holiday on ice.

Ah. I'm gonna go for a little while.

I'm gonna, uh, rent a pump for the basement.

Just tell me one more time, just one more--

Willie, go rent your pump.

Now, I'm going to rent..

...a pump!

What was all that about?

[telephone ringing]

Your two dimes.

(male #1) 'Gordon Shumway?'

Speaking. Who's this?

This is someone who knows you're an alien.

And if you don't pay me $3000 by Friday

I'm gonna turn you in to the authorities.

Ah, the number you have reached is not in service.

Please hang up and dial again.

Don't get cute.

I'll call you back tomorrow morning

with more details, pinhead.

Oh. Okay.

Don't panic.

Willie will help you. He always helps you.

I'm dog food.

[squealing]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Willie, have you noticed

that ALF's been acting strange lately?

Yeah. It's going on three years now.

I mean, like last night when he apologized

for every bad thing he's done since he got here.

Alphabetically.

[sighs] I get lost between drain cloggage

and drywall damage.

Well, I guess you missed the part where he confessed

to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby.

[knock on door]

(Trevor) 'Hey, Tanners, it's me!'

- Morning. - Good morning. I'll take it.

- Take what? - Your house.

"House for sale, $4000."

- You found that on our lawn? - Yeah.

I can let you have 100 bucks up front

if you'll finance the rest.

Well, that's very generous of you, Trevor, but..

[chuckles] ...I think there's been a mistake.

Okay, I'll let you have 4100 and your lawn mower back.

But that's my final offer.

No. I mean, uh, we're not selling--

Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.

Oh, it's too bad.

This place would've made a nice summer home

for me and Raquel.

Captain's log, Stardate 2525.

Man, I'm still alive.

I'm now attempting to earn the blackmail money

by recycling soda cans.

Oh, ALF!

What are you doing?

Tempting diabetes. You?

Why did you drink every can of soda in the house?

Currently, I'm recycling cans.

In a short while, I'll be recycling soda.

Let me have a crack at him.

What's the meaning of this?

I figured we could use some extra cash.

ALF, is there some reason other than the extensive water damage

why we should sell our house as quickly

and as inexpensively as possible?

I just thought it would be a good idea.

You never know when you're gonna have to pay off

some extortionist.

[laughing]

Okay, let-let me guess.

You need money for some reason?

- Good morning. - Morning.

- No. No, not so far. - What's going on?

We're in the process of ascertaining that right now.

I would've told you yesterday.

But I was waiting for the carpets to dry out

and you to calm down.

ALF, would've told us what?

This hoodlum called and put the squeeze on me.

He says he knows I'm an alien

and if I don't pay him $3000

he'll turn me in!

Woe is me.

Woe is me.

If you leave now, you could beat the lines at the bank.

Ask for small, unmarked bills

that's standard blackmailing procedure.

ALF, you don't really expect us to buy this story, do you?

You don't believe me!

I don't think it was a blackmailer, ALF.

I think it was probably just a crank call.

Did the voice sound familiar?

Well, first I thought it might be Kate

but the voice wasn't high enough.

Then I thought it might be Kate's mother

but the voice wasn't low enough.

You suspected one of us?

Well, you have the most to gain.

- I cost you tons of money. - Oh.

You have no life of your own.

Privacy is nil.

And I'm shutting up now.

- I didn't tell anyone. - None of us did.

And it wasn't my mother either.

Well, I know that. The voice wasn't snarly enough.

Wasn't nasty and vile enough.

Don't push it.

Did the extortionist say anything else?

Yeah, he said he'd call me back later this morning, pinhead.

I beg your pardon?

That's what he called me.

I would never call you a pinhead.

Not to your face.

Wait.

If this blackmailer asked you for $3000

why were you selling our house for 4000?

I figured you guys should get something out of it.

I can help. I have ten dollars and 32 cents in my piggy bank.

No, you don't.

We'll talk about it later.

[instrumental music]

[telephone rings]

(ALF on recorder) 'Hi, this is Gordon Shumway.'

'I'm dead right now, please leave your name, address'

'and extortion demands at the beep.'

'And I'll get back to you probably never.'

'As I said, I'm dead.'

(Willie on phone) 'ALF, pick up the phone.'

ALF, if you're there, answer.

- Willie? - 'Yeah.'

Oh-oh. Oh, hold on. Hold on. Let me turn this off.

What-what are you doing?

I'm trying to trace all incoming phone calls.

And I'm also eating potato chips.

Stop fooling around with the phone, will you?

Uh, tell Kate that I'll be late for supper.

Oh, sure. Don't worry about me.

I'm only the blackmailee.

Did the alleged man call you back yet?

Well, not exactly.

Then it doesn't seem to me that you're being blackmailed.

- Oh, and, ALF. - Yeah?

- 'Change the message.' - Okay, bye.

Hello? This is the Tanner residence.

If you called to terrorize anyone here you're too late.

So why don't you just shrivel up and die

you scummy pile of meatloaf slag.

Please wait for the beep.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, ALF. - Aah!

Sorry.

I saw your light on. You can't sleep?

How do you expect me to sleep?

In 24 hours, I'm gonna be hamburger helper.

Would you stop the ground meat metaphors?

Nobody's gonna turn you in to the authorities.

You don't believe me either, do you, Lynn?

Tsk. It's not that I don't believe you.

It's just that you have a tendency to...overstate.

Do not, do not, do not.

Look, you said this guy was going to call you back

this morning. Did he?

- No. - No.

A-and you said he told you something terrible

was gonna happen if you didn't pay him off.

- Did it? - Well, no.

See, you were all worried for nothing.

You know, if mom and dad really thought you were in danger

they'd do something about it.

So why don't you just get some sleep, okay?

Okay. I'll see you in the morning.

- Okay. Goodnight. - Night, Lynn.

Don't worry about me.

If you need me, I'll be up here overreacting.

[telephone ringing]

- Hello? - 'Gordon Shumway?'

- Yes. - You got the money?

Um, oh, I'm working on it.

Who should I make the check out to?

Nice try, pinhead.

But you better come up with the cash

or it's too bad about the Tanners.

'They're gonna be in a lot of trouble for keeping you.'

But I guess a little jail time never hurt anyone.

[laughing]

[dial tone]

When the going gets tough

the tough get going.

And so do I.

[instrumental music]

[pounding on door]

- Just a minute! - I don't like this, Willie.

Even Trevor doesn't come over this late.

Just...just wait here.

[pounding continues]

- Who is it? - 'Immigration.'

- Are you William Tanner? - Yes.

I'm Lee Frazer with Immigration Service.

We've been informed that you're keeping an alien here.

- What? - Yes, sir.

- An undocumented resident. - Oh, Willie!

I think they mean an illegal alien.

Right. It's illegal for us to arrest legal aliens.

[Kate laughing]

Well, there are no aliens, illegal or otherwise here.

Mind if we check?

Well, do you mind if I see a search warrant?

[groans]

- What's going on? - Are we busted?

- No. - Maybe.

Uh, they're-they're looking for illegal aliens!

Human illegal aliens!

Who may be hiding somewhere in our house!

You have a basement or attic?

Well, w-we just fumigated the attic.

The fumes are, ha, ha, really bad.

We could get you a fan if you really need to go up there.

Thanks. That won't be necessary.

He's in the attic.

Where is it?

What are we going to do? They're gonna find ALF!

- We've got to warn him. - How can, how can we warn him?

There's only one way up to the attic.

- What's this? - Looks like a note from ALF.

A note from ALF.

"Dear family, my imaginary blackmailer

"called again tonight and threatened to send you all

"to the imaginary slammer if I don't pay up.

"I would rather be turned into cream chip beef

"than to see you go to jail because of me.

"You're welcome.

"Anyway, I had to take..

...the car."

"Tell Willie to calm down.

"I'll leave the car on Highway 71

"just outside Edwards Air Force Base.

Don't worry, nobody will want to steal it."

ALF's joining the air force?

That's where the Alien Task Force is.

He took the car.

[instrumental music]

Oh, greetings, members of the Alien Task Force

please don't kill me.

Too on the nose. Oh.

Dear Alien Task Force members

uh, spare my life and I can offer you

untold technological secrets.

Like how to program your VCR.

Alright, how about this?

Alright, look, you guys

before you dissect me I'd like to say one thing..

...don't!

Better, better. Honesty is the best policy.

[instrumental music]

Who lives...in the attic?

Nobody.

We just found the remnants of about 50 TV dinners up there.

Care to comment?

We hoard. Don't we, dear?

Hmm? We're hoarders.

What made you think we had an illegal alien?

His name turned up on a mailing list.

Our computers red-flagged it when they couldn't match it

to a Social Security number.

But who brought this to your attention?

What difference does that make, pinhead?

So...where is he?

Look...I can make a lotta trouble for you.

Since you didn't find anyone I'm gonna have to ask you

and Darryl and Darryl to leave.

This isn't over.

Pinhead, isn't that what ALF said

the blackmailer called him?

Yes. Yes, it's getting very clear.

ALF really was being blackmailed.

Oh, honey, the poor little guy must be terrified.

Dad, what if something happens to him?

And I yelled at him for taking my ten dollars and 32 cents.

- Okay, let's go. - Well, wait, wait!

We have no car.

I know even I don't usually come over this late

but I heard the commotion. Who are the suits?

Oh, just a couple of gentlemen from immigration.

- Oh, I understand. - No, you don't.

My cousin's a lawyer.

Call this number

and ask for an inmate 2-4-6-0-1.

- Trevor, can we borrow the car? - Again?

What's wrong with yours this time?

What was the reason before?

Somebody filled your gas tank with malted milk balls.

Same problem. Thanks.

Hey, Willie, don't worry!

This immigration thing will be our own little secret!

[instrumental music]

[door creaking]

Hello?

Anyone in here?

I, uh..

...I ran out of gas just down the road.

Hello?

[sniffs]

Interesting aroma.

Oh, hey, I don't suppose you have a key to the house.

I need to use the phone.

[mooing]

Sorry.

Well, I guess I can relate to you.

We're all prisoners in one way or another.

But must it be so?

I cannot change my own destiny.

Maybe I could change yours.

Go!

Get along, little doggie.

- Yee-Haw! - ALF!

Willie, how did you find me?

I saw the car parked down by the side of the road.

I followed the empty candy wrappers here.

Well, I was gonna pick them up on my way back.

They were to help me find the car.

What happened?

You neglected to fill the tank.

ALF, you don't have to turn yourself in.

I must. I must.

No, no. I know who's blackmailing you.

And he doesn't think you're an alien alien

he thinks that you're an illegal alien.

You mean I almost turned myself in because of semantics?

I almost turned myself in because of semantics!

ALF, uh, why did you..

Why didn't you come to me before you did something this drastic?

I did come to you.

If you'll recall, you didn't believe me.

Oh, I know. I'm sorry, pal.

Besides, he threatened to have you guys arrested.

I thought I'd work through this myself.

ALF, what was the last thing you tried to do by yourself?

Build a skating rink in the living room.

Egad! A pattern.

We'd better get out of here before somebody sees you.

Okay, but wait. We can't leave my friend.

- Your friend? - Yeah.

- I named her after your wife. - Kate?

Bossy.

Besides, you know what happens to them.

ALF...this is a milk cow.

They don't slaughter milk cows.

They don't? You lying cow!

Come on. Let's hit the trail, Willie Earp.

Somebody's coming.

I'll hide in the kitchen.

- Where's the kitchen? - Just hide.

Who are you?

I'm Willie Tanner. I'm from the city.

- What are you doin' here? - Oh, well, I-I..

I know what you're doing. You're a chicken thief!

Oh, no, no, no, you see..

I really hate thieves.

They're always taking things that don't belong to 'em.

You win.

Well, look here. My car ran out of gas down the road.

I was just wondering if maybe I could get some from you?

Why didn't you say so? Sure.

I can fill this up for ya, I got a tank.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Say, how much would you want for that?

Oh! Twenty dollars.

Twenty dollars for a gallon of gas?

The nearest gas station is a four hour walk.

Kinda cold to be walking in jammies.

Thank you. I'll go fill this up for you.

He was nice. Why didn't you tip him?

- Just get back to the car. - Okay. Race you back to town.

No, there's not gonna be any racing.

Kate's gonna drive our car. I'm gonna take Trevor's.

Okay. Just a second.

Bossy, it's been a pleasure.

Take care of yourself and..

...watch that cholesterol, huh?

[instrumental music]

Well?

Well, it looks like we were right.

Frazier's supervisor at the INS

said they've suspected him for a long time

of shaking down illegal immigrants.

Now, he's been suspended pending an investigation.

Oh! Alright.

Well, I wish I would've been here.

I'd have realigned his front end.

It just scares me to think how close you came

to actually turning yourself in.

You saved my life, Willie.

I'll never forget it.

From now on..

...you are my slave.

So what else is new?

[theme music]

[mooing]