Original subtitles

And I get two triple word scores.

"Quidnunc?"

[together] Challenge!

You've never heard quidnunc?

- It's probably Melmacian. - So?

Well, you can't use Melmacian words, ALF.

- It's here. - You're kidding.

"Quidnunc..

...one who enjoys gossip."

Really? On Melmac, it means one who wears meat.

Two hundred and forty-eight points.

And it's my turn again.

(Brian) '"Quidnuncle?"'

It's a relative who wears meat.

[together] Challenge!

Rats.

Brian, your hamster flew the coop again.

He's sleeping in my left Reebok.

I'll get him.

[car horn honking]

- Have fun, everyone. - 'Bye.'

Where are you going?

Out.

Out where? And with who?

ALF.

What kind of parents are you?

The kind who trust our 18-year-old daughter.

Besides, we know where she's going.

She's going to the movies, right, honey?

- Right. - What're you gonna see?

"Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"

"Unbearable Lightness of Being."

Then you're gonna, uh, probably stop off for pizza, huh?

Sushi.

Well, say hello to Julie for us.

Eddie.

Happy now, ALF? Who's Eddie?

Have we met Eddie?

Well, no, of course not.

I mean, this is only our second date

if you could even call it a date, which I wouldn't--

Is there some reason we shouldn't meet this bozo?

He is not a bozo.

[doorbell dings]

Send in the clown.

Listen, I'll introduce Eddie another time.

Or you could bring him in right now.

Or I could bring him in right now.

Mom, dad..

...this is Eddie.

Hello, how are you?

[ALF hums circus music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Well, it's nice to meet you too.

This is some great house.

Good bones.

Bones?

Eddie was a graduate student in architecture.

Oh, what year was that?

Let's see, that was just before I started teaching.

Eddie taught history for a while.

And lived a good deal of it, I believe.

Where did you meet, um..

- Lynn. - Lynn.

I autographed a book for her at the mall.

[chuckles] Oh, you're a writer.

No, actually, I'm what they call a substitute novelist.

What I do is this, I sign books for authors

when they're too busy, shall I show you?

By all means.

"Good luck, Lee Iacoca."

I believe there's another C

in Iacocca.

Yes, well, usually I have the name right in front of me.

Speaking of names, Eddie, I didn't catch your last one.

- He doesn't have one. - Really?

Well, I used to have one, of course.

- That's a relief. - I dropped it a while back.

I couldn't see what purpose it served.

Did you discuss this decision with your mailman?

[Eddie laughing] Mailman.

I love a guy with a sense of humor.

Would anyone like a soda?

Absolutely. Diet, caffeine-free. Thank you so much.

Lynn, would you help me, please?

Help you get one soda?

Fine. Excuse me.

Well, that's quite a girl you've got there.

We always thought so.

Ever since the day she was born.

Barely 18 years ago.

Let me get right to the point.

He's too old for you.

- I knew you'd overreact-- - I am not..

[clears throat]

I am not overreacting.

Let me take a look at this dude.

Yikes!

He's almost as old as Kate!

Thanks a lot, ALF.

You may have a moment of privacy to tell Mr. Iacocca

you won't be seeing him again.

Unless it's for senior's night at the Sizzler.

[instrumental music]

Mom, can I borrow your black shoulder bag?

Hmm. It's in my closet.

- Thanks. - Oh, sure.

It's okay for her to borrow it.

She seems to have gotten over that Eddie guy pretty quickly.

You know how girls are at this age.

Now, she's really attached to this new boy Randy.

- Not that he's not nice. - He's a moron.

He's not a moron.

He's got no neck.

The fact that he's muscular

doesn't mean he's stupid.

No, the fact that he's a cretin means he's stupid.

Although he did manage to find the doorbell.

(Lynn) 'Dad, will you let Randy in?'

And hurry up before he forgets why he's here.

- Oh, hi, Randy. - Hey.

Come on in, Lynn will be right out.

Okay.

I meant way in, Randy.

Way, way over here. Over to the couch.

Okay.

So, uh, how are things going with the, uh, football team?

Okay.

Uh, what position do you play again?

Center.

[chuckles] Well, that's where the action is

right-right in the middle.

Uh-huh.

Would you like some peanuts?

Hi, Randy, how are you?

Okay.

What were you guys talking about?

Oh, just guy stuff.

So where are you kids going tonight?

We're going to Kathy Berry's house

and, uh, we're late, so, shall we?

What?

- Leave. - Okay.

[chuckles] Don't be too late, honey.

I won't. Night.

He is a moron.

Peanuts!

Would you like some?

[imitating Randy] Okay.

(man on TV) 'And now back to our creature feature'

'"Aliens," starring Sigourney Weaver.'

[intense music]

No! Don't go back for that stupid cat.

This is no time for a snack.

[car door closes]

Thanks, I had fun watching you work.

You must get writer's cramp.

You know, I had no idea that Donald Trump's book

was quite so popular.

(Lynn) 'Well, goodnight.'

I-I really had a nice time.

Until tomorrow.

Goodnight.

[gasps] ALF, you scared me.

[chuckles] What're you doing?

What am I doing? What're you doing?

What happened to Randy?

That wasn't Randy, that was..

...someone else.

Yeah, someone who looks like a certain

aging substitute novelist

who shall remain last-nameless.

Okay, so it was Eddie.

He just happened to be at the party, see--

Yeah, yeah, and I just fell off the garbanzo truck.

Come on. This is the old ALFer.

What gives?

Okay. Okay.

I haven't really been dating Randy.

I've only been tutoring him for an hour in English each night

and then going to meet Eddie.

An hour a night?

That's barely enough time for Randy

to turn his book right side up.

ALF, please, don't tell mom and dad about this yet, okay?

I know they'll like Eddie.

They just need some time to adjust.

Don't tell them?

- You want me to lie? - No!

No, you don't have to lie.

Just don't bring it up.

That's not lying.

Egad. What a loophole.

It's not like I'm never gonna tell them.

I just.. I need to wait for the right moment.

You know, like, when they're in a really, really good mood.

Yeah, well, let me know when that happens

and I'll tell 'em about the untimely demise

of Kate's porcelain ballerina.

You broke mom's porcelain ballerina?

Yeah.

We were dancing the pas de deux

from "Swan Lake"

and I dropped her in the toilet.

[instrumental music]

It's 9:05, past somebody's bedtime.

Oh, no fair!

I wanted to watch "Curse of the Moon People."

I was talking to Brian.

I knew that. Hit the hay, Bri.

Goodnight, B.

I'll come tuck you in a few minutes, honey.

Mom, I'm old enough to tuck myself in.

Oh.

Oh, I understand.

But you can still read me a story.

Okay.

Gee, they grow up so fast.

Pretty soon he's not gonna need us for anything.

I'll always need you guys.

We know.

[doorbell dings]

[together] ALF, hide in the kitchen.

Oh.

- Oh, hello, Randy. - Hey.

- Where's Lynn? - Huh?

Our daughter. Lynn!

Isn't she with you?

No.

She said she was going over to your house.

Oh. Okay.

What's going on?

[sighs] I-I don't know.

Yo-you think there could've been a mix-up between them?

Well, honey, if it was just a mix-up

she'd be home by now or call at least.

Well, what do you think?

You think I should go look for her?

(Kate) 'Oh, honey, where would you look?'

Who knows where she could've gone?

Yeah, you know, it's not like Lynn

to change her plans and not call us.

- Yeah. - Wait a minute.

You're getting carried away. Lynn's just fine.

How do you know?

Well...well, she's, uh..

Um, well, I don't, I don't know for sure.

ALF?

I don't suppose you could just trust me on this one?

I didn't think so.

Come on, ALF, where is she?

I can't tell you. I said I wouldn't tell you.

- Tell us what? - That Lynn's seeing Eddie.

Eddie?

You tricked me.

She's been lying to us.

Not exactly. It's a loophole.

I can't believe that Lynn would do something like this.

Well, look at the bright side.

At least she's dating a guy with a neck.

- Hi, everyone. - You're grounded, lady!

- What for? - Eddie.

You know, it was the funniest thing--

Please!

Thank you...for ratting on me.

Thank you...for ruining my entire life.

Thank you very, very much.

Ugh!

There goes a polite young lady.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Miss Lynn Tanner. Paging Miss Lynn Tanner.

Go away.

I've just gotta get a message to ya.

I don't want any messages from you.

It's not from me. I'm just the bellhop.

It's from a friend of yours.

"It's not what you think.

"I'm really not a fink.

"You're the last person I'd hurt.

"I didn't mean to blurt..

...it out."

I've got a message for my so-called friend.

Friends don't rat on friends!

Guess this means no tip.

[strumming guitar]

Close enough.

¶ I'm under your window ¶

¶ With my guitar ¶

¶ Singing you this small ditty ¶

¶ Please don't be mad at me anymore ¶

¶ Have I mentioned I think you're pretty ¶

¶ Aye aye aye aye ¶

¶ I'm really sorry ¶

¶ Somebody just threw a blanket on me ¶

¶ That's why I'm suffocating ¶¶

[instrumental music]

I take it there's been no detente.

No detente. No glasnost.

No perestroika. No nothin'.

Stop torturing yourself, ALF, she'll come around.

What did I do that was so wrong?

You didn't do anything wrong.

Which is something I never thought I would say.

But it was Lynn who lied.

You know, Willie, Lynn's little subterfuge

wasn't all that terrible.

I was dating Willie for six months

before I told my parents about it.

How come?

Oh, Willie didn't have any money

and he didn't have a job, and..

...he was already dating my sister.

[telephone ringing]

- I'll get it. - He dated your sister?

Hello?

The hideous one?

I'm-I'm afraid there's been a little misunderstanding.

Would you please cancel that order?

Thank you so much.

Goodbye.

Bill Bri's Jewelry Store.

You really dated Kate's sister?

Apparently somebody placed an order in our name.

The hideous one?

Must've been a little mix-up.

Funny how two children from the same parents--

A $15,000 diamond bracelet!

I ordered it for Lynn.

Nothing else was working.

Alright, that settles it.

Lynn!

We're gonna straighten this thing out once and for all!

Alright, but I want to get back to this sister thing.

Yes, father? Hello, mother.

Lynn..

...I want you to speak to ALF.

Civilly, please.

- ALF who? - Speak to him!

Or have your telephone privileges taken away.

You want me to speak to him? Fine, I'll speak to him.

Have you told mom yet that you broke her ballerina?

[gasps]

My ballerina?

You..

You squealer!

My porcelain ballerina?

That was supposed to be a secret.

My wedding present porcelain ballerina?

Well, you told my secret first.

But that just slipped out.

My original, one of a kind

impossible to duplicate porcelain ballerina?

Do you know how silly the word ballerina sounds

when you say it over and over?

Ballerina, ballerina, ballerina.

Alright, everyone, stop, cease, desist.

I want you to apologize to each other

and I want you to put all of this behind us.

Fine. Lynn, go to your room. You, go to the garage.

Fine.

Kate, I'm sorry I broke your wedding present.

- I was going to tell you. - Really? When?

I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.

[instrumental music]

Don't just barge in here. Knock when you come into my room.

ALF's leaving because of you!

What are you talking about?

He can't leave.

He's fixing his spaceship right now.

Don't be such a baby.

He's always saying he can't fix that ship.

You're the baby! You won't even talk to him!

Why don't you grow up?

Brian, wait.

Don't cry.

[crackling]

[clears throat]

- What're you doin'? - Nothing much.

Just some delicate, precision spot-welding.

[sniffs]

What's that smell?

Burnt fur.

Brian says you're leaving.

Yep, just as soon as I calibrate

the gyroscopic guidance system.

Done.

Well, just because we're not getting along

doesn't mean you have to leave.

- That so? - Of course not.

I mean, everybody else wants you to stay.

What about you?

I don't mind if you stay.

Well, I can't stay with you mad at me.

- So I'm going. - But, ALF--

And don't worry about me!

You'll forget about me soon enough.

Oh, ALF, please don't say that.

I don't want you to go.

- Do you mean it? - Of course I mean it.

I'm sorry, I told mom about the ballerina

but I was just so mad at you!

Will you forgive me?

You were mad and I was irresponsible.

- I'd say we're even. - No.

I was the irresponsible one.

Alright, so you owe me.

- Are we friends again? - Yeah.

I guess I can stop working on this.

Oh, you couldn't fix that thing anyway, could you?

Maybe.

That's a lie, isn't it?

It's a loophole.

[instrumental music]

This glue is empty.

I vaguely recall using it as a yogurt topping.

- How's the ballerina coming? - Needs glue.

Oh, ALF, did you order this?

"Breakfast at Tiffany's."

Sounds like something I'd order.

Oh, look, it's inscribed!

"Dear Willie and Kate

"sorry if I caused you any trouble.

"I wouldn't have dated your daughter

"if I'd known you didn't approve.

"Please accept this as a token of my friendship.

Signed, Truman Capote."

[instrumental music]

[theme continues]

[ALF laughing]