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1
00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:02,868
(ALF) ALF hosting "The Tonight Show?"
2
00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,703
What a great idea!
3
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,038
Everybody thought so.
4
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,807
Except Johnny.
5
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:12,378
So, Johnny, have you been
watching the show?
6
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:13,879
Yeah? What do you think?
7
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:17,950
Alright, alright,
I'm sorry I broke your cup.
8
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:22,688
Um, look, Johnny, uh,
I'd love to keep talking
9
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:25,324
but you know what it's like
here in the big chair.
10
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:27,659
Yeah, gotta keep
things moving.
11
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:30,095
Hey, after I'm done,
why don't I come over
12
00:00:30,097 --> 00:00:33,332
and we'll hit
the hot tub together.
13
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:36,468
Hello? Hello?
14
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:39,671
[theme music]
15
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:12,304
[music continues]
16
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,567
Boy, you are in
big trouble, mister.
17
00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,702
Oh, hey, this isn't trouble.
18
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,571
I'll show you trouble.
19
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:48,974
Bobby, roll the clip
marked "Trouble."
20
00:01:51,045 --> 00:01:54,513
- Here, hold this, Willie.
- What is it?
21
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:56,115
Oh, that's just
nuclear waste
22
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:57,883
from my spaceship.
23
00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,885
[gasps]
24
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:00,953
Oh, hey, don't worry.
25
00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:02,387
Life on this planet will exist
26
00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:05,657
as long as that little lid
doesn't pop off.
27
00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:12,831
Ah. Oh, wait.
These are my crayons.
28
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:17,603
Just tell us
why you did it.
29
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:20,305
- It was Willie's idea.
- What?
30
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,674
Don't try to worm
your way out of this one.
31
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:23,942
You said we'd build a lagoon.
32
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:26,645
I said we'd build
a little lagoon
33
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:30,949
not the Great Tanner Reef!
34
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:33,051
Okay. Okay, I misunderstood.
35
00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:36,488
I'm sorry.
I made a boo-boo.
36
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,956
A boo-boo?
37
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:45,497
Say, what are you...doing here?
38
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,932
Greeting the guests.
39
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,734
Hey, Tex, looks like
you're putting on
40
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,469
a little weight there, huh?
41
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,604
Ha! Ha! Ha!
42
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:53,939
Could I speak with you
in the kitchen
43
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:54,973
just for a moment?
44
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:56,642
Hey, not now, Willie.
45
00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:58,477
Your pumpkin's on fire!
46
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:01,346
Ha! His pumpkin's on fire!
47
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,748
Come here.
48
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,716
Well, who is
this little guy?
49
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,185
Ah, this is Gordon, everyone.
50
00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:09,254
Uh, Gordon's an old friend
of our family.
51
00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:10,889
Bernice, uh, don't mention
his height.
52
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:12,691
He's very sensitive.
53
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,861
Hey, cowgirl,
nice calves! Ha!
54
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:19,631
Nice calves! Ha! Ha!
55
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:20,899
- Yah!
- Unh!
56
00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:27,406
Good morning, America,
how are you?
57
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:28,640
¶ Don't you know me ¶
58
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:31,243
¶ I'm your native son ¶¶
59
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,713
What's the next line?
60
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,316
Just be quiet.
61
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,717
Really?
62
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:42,354
I'm surprised that song
was such a big hit.
63
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:43,655
¶ Just be quiet ¶
64
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:47,025
¶ Just be quiet
just be quiet ¶
65
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:49,161
¶ La la la la la la la ¶¶
66
00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:52,130
A picture's worth
a thousand words.
67
00:03:56,971 --> 00:04:00,505
That picture
was worth a $1000.
68
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:04,443
Well, maybe the frame
makes it look cheap.
69
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,448
I am tired
of your breaking things.
70
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,983
If this happens
one more time
71
00:04:10,985 --> 00:04:13,752
you will be living
in the garage.
72
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:18,857
From now on, I'll treat this
house as it if were my own.
73
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:21,026
Treat it as if
it were my house
74
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:24,696
and don't break anything.
75
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,331
Cheap frame.
76
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:31,570
Well, I guess
it can be repaired.
77
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:32,971
(ALF)
'Heads up!'
78
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,377
Red alert! Red alert!
79
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,245
Alien coming through.
80
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:44,349
What was ALF running for?
81
00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:46,685
(ALF)
'Uh, occupied.'
82
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:49,021
Oh, I'm sorry.
83
00:04:49,023 --> 00:04:51,490
ALF knows that's not
a bathroom, doesn't he?
84
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,425
I hope so.
85
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:55,427
[instrumental music]
86
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:59,464
[vase shatters]
87
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:02,401
[glass shatters]
88
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,303
[screaming]
89
00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:06,305
[engine revving]
90
00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,012
Stop!
91
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,052
[explosion]
92
00:05:21,055 --> 00:05:23,355
Well, I guess
we'll have to order in.
93
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,396
Hey, that was great!
94
00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:34,066
- Let's show it again.
- Let's not.
95
00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:36,468
Fine.
Well, I've got a better idea.
96
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,870
You think you can hold down
the fort for a minute?
97
00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:40,739
And don't sit in my chair.
98
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:41,940
I guess
I could fill time
99
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,376
with one of
my live commercials.
100
00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:46,111
Ed, Ed.
101
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:50,782
This shameless self-promotion
does not become you.
102
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:53,385
I know. I'll show a clip.
103
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,887
While I leave the room,
you folks watch
104
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,989
these scenes of me
leaving the room.
105
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:01,793
[doorbell rings]
106
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,428
ALF, hide
in the kitchen.
107
00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:05,030
You know, if you weren't
always sending me
108
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:08,767
to the kitchen,
I might not eat so much.
109
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,236
ALF, please, please.
110
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:14,606
No wonder Willie's pants
don't fit me anymore.
111
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,275
[doorbell dings]
112
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,378
ALF, hide in the kitchen.
113
00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:23,215
Yeah. Just call me
Pavlov's alien.
114
00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:25,984
[doorbell dings]
115
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,185
ALF, go into the kitchen.
116
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:30,055
Go into the kitchen.
Go into the kitchen.
117
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:32,357
As a woman,
you should be sensitive
118
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:35,327
to the demeaning undertones
in that remark.
119
00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:37,129
Now!
120
00:06:37,131 --> 00:06:39,464
You're betraying your sisters.
121
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,167
[doorbell dings]
122
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:44,669
(male #1)
'Hey, Tanners. It's us.'
123
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:47,906
ALF, kitchen.
124
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:51,009
No problem.
I'll call a cab.
125
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:54,112
You will walk.
Now.
126
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:56,882
One day, I'll walk
into that kitchen
127
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:59,151
and keep right on walking.
128
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,120
(ALF)
'Ow!'
129
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,057
[doorbell dings]
130
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:08,427
(in unison)
ALF, hide in the kitchen.
131
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:14,433
Oh! Uh, we're back, apparently.
132
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:18,270
What happened
to the pushy furball?
133
00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:20,405
Who cares?
At least he's gone.
134
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:23,375
(ALF)
'Yo, point those cameras
over here.'
135
00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:27,012
- Ohh.
- Oh, no, not that.
136
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,481
[instrumental music]
137
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:33,218
Hey, feature-film freaks,
ALF Fern here.
138
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,619
We'll get right back
to our film.
139
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,555
Burns and Allen,
Burns and Schreiber
140
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,657
Olsen and Johnson,
Johnson and Johnson
141
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:44,796
and Damp the Musk Ox in "Rin Tin
Tin Makes a Mess, Mess, Mess!"
142
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:45,997
Friends.
143
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,599
Are you getting too fat
for things
144
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:48,700
you used to fit in..
145
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,936
...like your house?
146
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,938
When you get on the scale,
does it say
147
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:55,574
"Get off the elephant first?"
148
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:59,711
Does your sunken chest appear
on pirate treasure maps?
149
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:02,747
Then come to our health club
150
00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:04,683
'"Pecs 'R' Us."'
151
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:07,352
At Pecs 'R' Us,
we'll tone up your muscles
152
00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,588
while we slim down your wallet.
153
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:12,324
At Pecs 'R' Us,
you'll build your biceps
154
00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:15,060
banging on our door
for a refund.
155
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:17,662
Yes, friends, we've got
barbells and dumbbells.
156
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,297
And speaking of dumbbells
157
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:22,300
here's our own
matinee lady.
158
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:25,270
I go to Pecs 'R' Us
and work up a sweat.
159
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,105
Hmm, you work up a sweat
160
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:30,876
reading the instructions
on a stop sign.
161
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:33,311
Friends, you say
you want to pump iron?
162
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:36,882
Well, come to Pecs 'R' Us.
163
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:40,585
You can start
by pressing my shorts.
164
00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:42,687
We also sell vitamins,
so you can choose
165
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,856
between A, B, C, D, and E.
166
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,324
I prefer E.
167
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:49,327
No, you can't even spell E.
168
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,796
Friends, if you want
to join Pecs 'R' Us
169
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:54,099
come on down to our main office.
170
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:57,435
How do you get there? Hmm!
171
00:08:57,437 --> 00:09:00,839
You take the Golden State
Freeway to the Ventura Freeway
172
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:04,576
to the San Diego Freeway till
you come to the Slauson cut-off.
173
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:07,312
Get out of your car,
cut off your Slauson
174
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:08,780
get back in your car..
175
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:11,550
...then drive nine more miles
to the neon sign
176
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:14,319
that says
"Steroids on tap."
177
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:18,290
That's our main office.
178
00:09:18,292 --> 00:09:20,325
Uh, take that out of my check.
179
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,227
(male #2)
'Consider it done.'
180
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,596
Well, uh, and now,
back to our movie.
181
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:27,499
Gene Barry, Barry Nelson,
Nelson Eddy, Eddie Albert
182
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:29,067
and Gotcha the Wonder Goose
183
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:32,837
in "Minnie Tells Mickey
That Roger Rabbit Died."
184
00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:34,839
[instrumental music]
185
00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:43,315
[instrumental music]
186
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:50,922
So, how'd you like the bit?
187
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:54,225
I hope it's as funny
when Johnny does it on Friday.
188
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:58,263
How could it be?
He doesn't have my delivery.
189
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:00,999
And he doesn't have
the pointer anymore.
190
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:04,035
I know, let's talk about
that planet you came from.
191
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:06,271
What's it called, Tarmac?
192
00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:09,274
Melmac.
193
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,376
And by fortunate coincidence
194
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:15,046
it's the subject of my next
fascinating set of clips.
195
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:18,083
Mind if I show them, Oedipus?
196
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:19,250
Clips.
197
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:23,688
Sounds like
a nice...change of pace.
198
00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:26,691
I say we fight violence
with violence.
199
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:29,227
That's how we solve things
back home.
200
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,062
But, ALF, don't you remember
201
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,831
what happened to your planet?
202
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:37,102
Well, it blew up in
a nuclear holocaust. Why?
203
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:39,471
Don't you see the connection?
204
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,408
What connection?
205
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:46,144
- I give up.
- Me too.
206
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,580
I'm gonna lie down.
My head is spinning.
207
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:50,982
What are you guys doing?
208
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,418
Trading bouillabaseball cards.
209
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,353
What's bouillabaseball?
210
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,688
It's baseball on Melmac.
211
00:10:56,690 --> 00:11:00,091
Instead of a ball,
they throw fish guts.
212
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,493
Fish parts.
213
00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:04,596
The guts are sold
at the concession stand.
214
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,435
Oh, football.
Can I watch too?
215
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:12,904
Oh, ALF, last time
we watched football together
216
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:15,707
you belched
all through the whole game.
217
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,877
Hey, that's how we applaud
on Melmac.
218
00:11:19,613 --> 00:11:20,945
Hey, good catch.
219
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:22,947
[belching]
220
00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:26,451
Jake may have some problems
221
00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:29,454
but he's not going
to be sent to prison.
222
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,890
Yeah?
Tell that to my cousin.
223
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:34,059
Pretty boy Shumway.
224
00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:37,062
He grew up on the south
side of Melmac.
225
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:39,164
The baddest part of the planet.
226
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:41,366
If he didn't like your shoes..
227
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,968
[imitates gunfire]
228
00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,270
Do you mean he'd shoot a person
229
00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:47,172
just because he didn't like
his shoes?
230
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:49,307
No, he'd just point
at them and go..
231
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:51,509
[imitates gunfire]
232
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,412
Where's Lizard taking you?
233
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:56,247
Out to a science fiction movie.
234
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,149
Something about this guy
being shrunk
235
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,618
and then injected
into someone else.
236
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,520
Well, that's not
science fiction.
237
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,522
A friend of mine did that once.
238
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:06,124
He took a wrong turn
239
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:09,227
and got stuck in the guy's nose.
240
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:12,497
I'd rather get beat up
than be called a snitch.
241
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:15,200
Yeah, that's the worst.
242
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:18,670
On Melmac, some guy
called me a snitch
243
00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:23,174
just because I turned him in
to the secret police.
244
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,909
What're you doing
in this barrel?
245
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:30,048
Oh, there I was getting ready
to go up Widow-maker Falls.
246
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:32,417
You went up a waterfall?
247
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:37,722
Yeah, and the ride was so rough,
I almost threw down.
248
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:39,357
[hiccups]
249
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,926
- Oh, no!
- Well..
250
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,896
[hiccups]
...yes.
251
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,197
You're the first humans
252
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:51,436
who've ever heard the dreaded
Melmackian hiccups.
253
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:55,106
Uh, what is it that
makes them so dreaded
254
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,543
besides that irritating
metallic echo?
255
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:01,412
That irritating metallic echo
256
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:03,414
gets louder and louder
257
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:05,150
day by day
258
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:07,652
week by week,
year by..
259
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:08,787
[hiccups]
260
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:09,888
...year.
261
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:14,459
There are many things
in this universe
262
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:17,495
you're not meant to understand.
263
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:20,064
Now, that doesn't mean
they're not real.
264
00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:24,869
I'm real and whether
other people believe you or not
265
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:27,238
you know I'm real.
266
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,973
Thank you.
267
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:36,381
Let me ask you something.
268
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:39,551
Why are you wearing
all those utensils?
269
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:42,420
Ah. Well, that's one
of the things
270
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,522
you're not supposed
to understand.
271
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:46,191
Uh, here's another one.
272
00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:48,726
You should set
a couple of pumpkin pies
273
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:51,596
out on your back porch
once a week
274
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:55,033
and never question
why they disappear.
275
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,368
Uh, twice a week.
276
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:01,539
So, what do you think?
277
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,107
I think Johnny
278
00:14:03,109 --> 00:14:05,810
will never speak to me again.
279
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:07,178
Hey, hey, relax.
280
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:10,882
If Johnny's gonna be mad
at anybody, it'll be Fred.
281
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,984
Booking all those
unprepared guests.
282
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:16,654
Speaking of guests,
His Holiness John Paul is back.
283
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,289
Great. Let's bring him out..
284
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,491
[instrumental music]
285
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,997
...just as soon
as I show these clips.
286
00:14:29,803 --> 00:14:31,536
Roll 'em!
287
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:32,904
[choral music]
288
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,906
[bell rings]
289
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,088
I hear you're looking
for a few good monks.
290
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,797
Oh, howdy, Raquel.
291
00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:01,799
[screaming]
292
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:09,173
[screaming]
293
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:10,909
[ALF screaming]
294
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,146
[instrumental music on TV]
295
00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:29,627
Care for a cookie?
296
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:37,869
Alright, after your nap.
297
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:42,140
Oh, ALF. What are you doing?
We were just sitting..
298
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:46,210
There'll be no talking
during tonight's performance.
299
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:48,579
And now, our opening joke.
300
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:50,415
Say hello, dummy.
301
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,183
Hello, dummy.
302
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,451
Aah! Aah!
303
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,186
Oh, brother.
304
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,220
Oh-oh!
305
00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:58,356
The crowd looks tough.
306
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,158
So does the roast beef.
307
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,160
[laughing]
308
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,169
[screaming]
309
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:14,639
ALF, are you alright?
310
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:17,942
Oh, yeah.
Everything's fine.
311
00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:19,444
Why..
312
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,546
Why do you
have those clothespins
313
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,281
attached to your head?
314
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,483
It's a form of acupressure.
315
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:29,153
On Melmac, we use it
to relieve writer's block.
316
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:31,956
Let's see.
317
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,959
Which was the button
for a cheeseburger?
318
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,161
Uh.
319
00:16:38,932 --> 00:16:40,231
[beeps]
Ah!
320
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:45,003
Hey, you, come here.
321
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:46,037
Yes?
322
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:49,607
How did you get out
of your cage?
323
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,476
I work here.
324
00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:52,777
Uh, look.
325
00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:53,845
I'll give you five bucks
326
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,913
if you let me out of this cage.
327
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,116
Ten if you clean it
while I'm out.
328
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:02,320
Hey, you guys want
some beans?
329
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:04,355
I do! I do!
330
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,524
Ahh!
A loose kangaroo!
331
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,159
[screaming]
332
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:10,161
[whistle blows]
333
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:14,499
Headache?
334
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,634
You certainly are.
335
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,302
Whoa, ho ho ho!
336
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:20,738
The natives are restless!
337
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:26,310
Hey, ladies and gentlemen,
it's Rich Little!
338
00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:27,545
Hi, Ed.
339
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,614
What the heck
are you doing here?
340
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:32,717
Well, I'm here to guest host
"The Tonight Show."
341
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:35,186
What a coincidence. So am I.
342
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:39,223
Not for long.
I just got a call from Johnny.
343
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:43,761
Um, uh, what did my close,
personal friend Johnny say?
344
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:46,197
He said, and I quote..
345
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:51,135
[imitating Johnny Carson]
"Uh! Ha ha ha!
346
00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:56,307
Get over there and 86
that troublemaking buffoon."
347
00:17:57,343 --> 00:18:01,479
Yeah? Well, if Ed goes, I go.
348
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:04,816
No, no, no, no.
He meant you, ALF.
349
00:18:04,818 --> 00:18:06,651
Listen, you've got a major
350
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,553
religious leader backstage
351
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:09,854
you've turned this whole thing
352
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:11,856
into a commercial
for your show..
353
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,091
Well, hey, you know
354
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:15,226
if big John wants me
to step aside
355
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:18,796
and let you show your clips,
so be it.
356
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:21,365
I didn't bring any clips.
357
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:22,633
In that case..
358
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:25,369
Hey, Bobby,
roll my final clip.
359
00:18:25,371 --> 00:18:26,737
The one I like to call
360
00:18:26,739 --> 00:18:29,140
"ALF And Remembrance."
361
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,910
Are you here
because of a painful secret
362
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:35,713
from your past like I am?
363
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:39,250
Or you are just one of those
guys who likes wearing a dress?
364
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:45,223
Right.
We are a silent order.
365
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,858
We don't speak.
366
00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:49,760
Ixnay on the eaking-spay!
367
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:52,864
Got it.
368
00:18:58,204 --> 00:19:00,705
Hmm! Mnh! Mmm!
369
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,278
Joke time, alright?
370
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,447
This one will knock you
on your cassocks!
371
00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:13,551
What happened when the heater
went off in the convent?
372
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,720
They had a bunch of blue nuns.
373
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,822
Ha! Ha! Ha!
374
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:21,058
Blue nuns. Get it? Ah!
375
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:26,430
Tough room.
376
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:31,435
I was gonna faint,
but I think I made my point.
377
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:35,139
Too bad we didn't buy it.
378
00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:36,307
You didn't?
379
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:38,309
[gasps]
380
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:43,648
ALF, you fainted on a snail.
381
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,683
Whoa. Whoa.
382
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:49,820
Now, the trick here
383
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:52,957
is to concentrate
all your energy
384
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:57,562
and let it explode in a blinding
flash of destruction.
385
00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:58,796
Watch.
386
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,300
Hyah!
387
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,002
Alright!
388
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:07,405
Well, that never
worked before.
389
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:08,606
Do it again.
390
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:09,840
Okay.
391
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,244
Hyah!
392
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:16,948
I guess there's only pain
393
00:20:16,950 --> 00:20:19,717
when you don't break the board.
394
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,253
Unbelievable pain.
395
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:25,556
Let me tuck you in.
396
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,091
Okay.
397
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:28,526
There you go.
398
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:29,994
Thanks, ALF.
399
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,696
You're a good friend.
400
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,999
Hey, anything for my Willie.
401
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:38,102
You want me to press my lips
up against your forehead?
402
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:40,104
[screams]
403
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:46,043
Well..
404
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:47,845
That piece doesn't fit there.
405
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,046
Yes, it does.
406
00:20:52,252 --> 00:20:53,684
Voila!
407
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:57,021
Excuse me, Kate,
I'm off to South Dakota.
408
00:20:57,023 --> 00:21:00,491
I've got a rendezvous
with history.
409
00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:02,493
[instrumental music]
410
00:21:08,268 --> 00:21:10,968
ALF, why don't you try
holding your breath again?
411
00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:13,237
That should work.
412
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,639
Okay.
413
00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:16,841
[inhales deeply]
414
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:26,884
[gasping]
415
00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:29,086
[hiccups]
416
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:32,290
Body block!
417
00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:37,361
Ha! Ha!
418
00:21:37,363 --> 00:21:40,765
We'll be right back
after this commercial.
419
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:43,000
I hope it's a promo
for my show.
420
00:21:47,073 --> 00:21:48,539
[instrumental music]
421
00:21:52,211 --> 00:21:54,011
Well, let's put it to a vote.
422
00:21:54,013 --> 00:21:56,113
Was this the best
"Tonight Show" ever?
423
00:21:56,115 --> 00:21:59,183
[audience applauds]
424
00:21:59,185 --> 00:22:00,017
I abstain.
425
00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:02,753
And I demand a recount.
426
00:22:02,755 --> 00:22:04,955
And I'd like
to thank my guests
427
00:22:04,957 --> 00:22:06,724
Dr. Joyce Brothers.
428
00:22:06,726 --> 00:22:08,893
Joan Embery of the San Diego Zoo
429
00:22:08,895 --> 00:22:11,162
and His Holiness Pope..
430
00:22:11,164 --> 00:22:13,631
Oh, oh, ooh, I never
brought out the Pope!
431
00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:15,700
You've got 30 seconds.
432
00:22:15,702 --> 00:22:18,369
Ladies and gentlemen,
His Holiness Pope John Paul II.
433
00:22:18,371 --> 00:22:20,371
[instrumental music]
434
00:22:31,050 --> 00:22:31,882
Hey.
435
00:22:31,884 --> 00:22:33,617
I'd like to thank my guests
436
00:22:33,619 --> 00:22:35,086
Joyce, Joan
437
00:22:35,088 --> 00:22:36,987
and, of course, Pope.
438
00:22:36,989 --> 00:22:40,391
Uh, Johnny, sorry about your cup
and your dressing room
439
00:22:40,393 --> 00:22:43,027
uh, and the limo.
Uh. Did I say limo?
440
00:22:43,029 --> 00:22:45,830
Ha! That wasn't me,
just the first two.
441
00:22:45,832 --> 00:22:48,432
Goodnight, everybody!
442
00:22:48,434 --> 00:22:50,601
How'd he get those whites
so white?
443
00:22:50,603 --> 00:22:52,603
[theme music]
444
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:23,934
[music continues]
33698
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