Original subtitles

[clinking]

Ooh, ham and eggs! Thanks, Kate.

Oh, no. ALF, these are for everyone.

Oh.

[sneezes]

Actually, I'm in the mood for oatmeal.

I think I'll, uh, get somethin' at work.

I'm gonna have to change my shirt.

[knock on door]

- Who is it? - 'It's me, Jake.'

Oh, come on in, Jake.

Joy. That's twice my appetite's been killed.

Hey, morning, Jake Kiboody. What brings you over?

Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor have been fightin' again.

What was it about this time?

Allow me.

Raquel thinks Trevor's a slob, that he doesn't appreciate her

and some other female paranoia nonsense.

Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things.

[theme music]

Jake, would you like to join us for breakfast?

Whatcha havin'?

Green eggs and ham.

Pass.

[knock on door]

(Trevor) 'Hey, Tanners, it's me!'

Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.

Yeah.

Oh, come on in, Trevor.

- Oh, what's up? - Uh, nothing much.

And even if there was I'm not the kind of guy

that would burden you with my problems.

Raquel just threw me out.

Oh, Trevor, I'm sorry.

She called me a slob.

We know.

- Hey, I didn't tell 'em. - Who did?

Uh...I did.

Somehow she got the ridiculous idea

that she doesn't love me anymore.

So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor?

Ow!

Uh, leg cramp.

I don't know where I'm gonna stay.

Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?

Well..

Ow!

You can stay here, Trevor.

Oh, well, thanks. Heh, I-I'll be right back.

Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.

Oh, where does that freeloading sloth

get off crashing our party?

I don't know, ALF.

Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?

I can't believe it, this makes two broken homes

I've come from in one year. I'm a jinx.

Oh, it's not your fault. They've had fights before.

Why does Mr. Ochmonek have to stay here?

Yeah. Are there no work farms?

Are there no prisons?

ALF, try to be a little more sensitive.

I am sensitive.

I'm sensitive to the fact

I'm looking at another stay in garage med.

Hide, ALF. He's coming back.

Oh!

I really appreciate this, Kate.

Oh, don't mention it.

And don't worry, I'm sure this will all blow over

in about a week or two.

Trevor, when you asked if we could put you up

for the night, we assumed you meant for the night.

That's another thing Raquel hates about me.

I'm vague.

You can use Brian's room. He can double up with Lynn.

- No way! - I'll take that deal.

No way!

Hey, maybe you and Willie could sleep in Brian's room.

No way.

What a bummer!

Just don't snore.

It's like sleeping with a buzz saw.

I'll trade ya.

I'll sleep with the buzz saw

you sleep with the lawn mower.

[rock music on radio]

¶ Take a step back ¶

¶ ...move you nice and slow ¶

¶ Don't run and hide ¶

¶ Let it out ¶

¶ Shout it's the way to go.. ¶¶

Good morning, Trevor!

Oh, hi, Kate.

Willie.

I hope my suburb blaster didn't wake you up.

No, no.

This was me and Raquel's favorite song.

Boy, that Sinatra could sing.

That sounds like Pink Floyd.

I know that, Willie.

I was making two separate comments.

Did you get enough to eat?

Actually no. All I could find was cereal.

When you guys have a midnight snack

you pull out all the stops.

Oh, you didn't do this?

I did.

I had a craving last night.

For green pepper?

They make me drowsy.

Well, I'd offer you a bowl of cereal

except I used the last of the milk.

[sighs] I'll just..

...go down to the store and get some.

Why do that? I'll just borrow some from Mrs. Byrd.

Oh, there's no need to bother her, Trevor.

Ah, it's okay. She owes me.

I lent her your hedge clippers, and she never gave them back.

How inconsiderate.

I say we lock the door, throw away the key and move.

I assume that we have you to thank for this...mess.

Hey, it was time for my bimonthly feeding frenzy

except he interrupted me.

So this one doesn't count, okay?

It counts. Okay?

- Good morning. - 'Morning, Brian. Lynn.'

Feeding frenzy?

Yeah, but this one doesn't count.

It counts!

Brian, how come you're not dressed?

I was too tired. I didn't get any sleep.

[sighs] Yeah, we kept on hearing Mr. Ochmonek

moaning and groaning.

[imitating Trevor] Oh, how could Raquel do this to me?

Ooh.

Actually that was me.

You kept singing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot."

This is embarrassing.

Look, let's all just be patient.

It's only been one night.

Yeah, one night and we're already at each other's throats.

We're not at each other's throats.

Lean over.

Get back to the garage!

Well, who do I see to file a grievance?

I believe the alien task force's grievance committee.

I withdraw the question.

[instrumental music]

[whispers] ALF, what are you doing? Trevor will see you.

Chill out. He's not here, Kate-le rustler.

He got a call saying there was a package for him

at the post office.

Could have been a crank call.

You called him, didn't you?

I had to get him out of here. Even for an hour!

Raquel's saying stuff like she's never gonna take him back.

How do you know what Raquel is saying?

You crawl under people's..

(both) Houses, you hear things.

[doorbell rings]

- ALF. - What?

You know what.

Yeah, Willie, I know what

but if I have to do it, the least you could do is say it.

Go...to the kitchen.

Thank you.

Boy, have I got him trained.

[knock on door] 'Kate? Willie?'

Oh, Raquel, this is a pleasant surprise.

I hope this means that--

Yeah, don't get your hopes up, Willie.

This is more of Trevor's things.

- Jake? - 'Yo.'

Just drop it anywhere.

[sighs]

Oh, that moose head seems awfully final.

It is final.

I saw Trevor sneaking out

of the widow Byrd's house this morning.

He couldn't even wait one day before he started slumming it.

T-that.. No.

He was, he was at the widow Byrd's to borrow milk.

Raquel, hi. What's going on?

Moose head.

Oh, no.

Raquel saw Trevor at Mrs. Byrd's.

It isn't enough that he's having a sordid affair

but he has to have it out in the open where anybody

with a decent pair of binoculars can see.

Raquel, he just went over there to borrow some milk.

Well, since you've obviously taken his side

you can keep him.

Come on, Jake, you're the man of the house now.

Hey, does this mean I get to watch sports in my underwear?

Hey, why didn't you guys tell me we were having moose tonight?

I wouldn't have ruined my appetite.

Oh, Lord!

Please tell us why you continue to place such ordinary people

in such extraordinary situations?

[ALF burps]

Never mind.

[instrumental music]

Hello, Mr. Littwhack?

Uh, did you know that the Ochmoneks are splitsville?

Well, I care.

Quick question.

Can you put Trevor up for a week?

How about a night?

Well, when is it scheduled to freeze over?

0 for 18.

(woman on phone) 'Hello?'

Is this Myrna Byrd?

[knock on door]

Thank you very much for humiliating me

in front of the entire neighborhood.

What do you mean, Raquel?

Calling everybody about Trevor and me.

Just because I occasionally make

other people's business my business

doesn't mean my business is any of their business.

So would you mind minding your own business?

Well, I certainly didn't tell anyone.

I know Kate wouldn't tell anyone.

You didn't tell anyone, did you, Kate?

Of course not.

Kate didn't tell anyone.

Well, somebody told the Metcalfs, the Polmanskis

the Montenegros, the Gans, the Lustacuffs, the Metgers

the Fetgers, the Schmitzkys, the Kipkys, the Feins

the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards

the Logans, the Hogans and the Kogans.

So the next time that you want to drag somebody's dirty laundry

through the suburban mud, try your own.

Huh.

Or better yet, Mrs. Holbuts.

She just had a nose job, you know.

Slo-o-owly I turn.

I'm going to the garage now.

I'm gonna have a word with the town crier.

¶ All my bags are packed ¶

¶ I'm ready to go ¶

¶ I'm staying in the garage no more ¶

¶ Da ta da ta.. ¶¶

What?

Do these names ring a bell?

The Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans

the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys

the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks

the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans and the Kogans?

What was the question?

Before I pull every hair out of your neck

I wanna ask you something.

Did you call those people

and tell them about Trevor and Raquel?

I decline to answer on the grounds

that I need my neck hair.

Just mind your own business, ALF!

In other words, you disapprove of what I've done?

Wholeheartedly.

I know that this is an inconvenience for all of us

but what you're doing is just making things worse.

You're right, Willie.

How could I have been so blind?

You know, I've only been thinking of myself.

You're not just saying this

because of that neck hair business?

No. No, I mean it.

I've seen the error of my ways and will endeavor to do better.

Well, thank you.

No. Thank you, Willie.

Thank you.

Hello. Uh, I'd like to order some flowers

for Raquel Ochmonek.

I don't know, whatever Merlin Olsen would send.

¶ Swing low sweet chariot ¶

¶ Swing low ¶

Oh, ALF.

¶ Sweet sweet ¶

¶ Chariot chario.. ¶¶

Uh, ALF. ALF?

Did you know that Shakespeare said once...that

"There's nothing either good or bad

but thinking makes it so."

Shakespeare never slept on a cold cement slab.

- I know. - Well, he is now, but I--

Drop it!

Willie, did you know that there are 9875 little dots

on this ceiling?

- You counted them? - No, I guessed.

(Trevor) 'Hey, Tanner, you in there?'

Oh, yeah. Just a second.

I've had it, I've had it. I refuse to budge one inch.

[knock on door]

(ALF) 'Oh! Aah!'

'I suppose you think you're clever.'

What's the idea sending these flowers to my wife?

- Oh, what's the matter, Trevor? - Don't play innocent with me.

You thought by not sending a card

I wouldn't know who they were from.

Oh, wait a minute, if there was no card

what makes you think they were from me?

I called the florist.

He said they were charged to your credit card!

Anybody who would spend 79.95 on another man's wife

plus tax and delivery is lookin' for trouble.

There must be.. 79.95.

Plus tax and delivery.

There must be some mistake.

Hey, Tanner, the only mistake I made was trusting you.

If I ever catch you near my wife again

I'm movin' out of your house.

Is there a chance that you heard any of that?

[laughs] Well, I've heard enough.

Does Kate know you have a thing for Raquel?

You sent those flowers, didn't you?

Hey, I took a shot.

It obviously didn't work

but I've got another plan that's foolproof.

Stay out of this!

Entire!

I'm just going now.

Uh, I-I'm going to try and straighten things out

with Trevor and when I come back

we'll be talking neck hair.

- Hi, ALF. - Hi.

We gotta find a way to get my aunt and uncle back together.

Too late, Jake. I can't help ya.

I promised Willie I'd stay out of it.

Fine, fine, j-just stand on the sidelines

and watch me be packed off

to live with another bunch of itinerant Ochmoneks

never to be heard from again.

Believe it or not, Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor

are the best of the lot.

Are you trying to con me into helping you?

Is it workin'?

Sort of.

What will it take to put you over the top?

- Donuts. - What's your idea?

You come up with donuts, I'll come up with the idea.

That's the deal.

[instrumental music]

Okay, now, what's the idea?

Give me another donut and I'll tell ya.

Tell me first.

What are we doin' in my aunt and uncle's bedroom?

We're looking for a key to their romantic past, if any.

Are you sure Raquel won't be back soon?

She went to the beauty parlor.

'Nuff said.

Hey, nice digs.

I never realized your aunt and uncle had so much class.

Hey, there might be somethin' romantic in here.

It's Aunt Raquel's jewelry box.

Aah! Turquoise alert! Turquoise alert!

- Put that away. - Okay, okay.

Just tell me what we're looking for.

I'll tell you when I've found it.

I think I found it.

A wad of paper?

Yeah, yeah. This is it.

[door closes]

(Raquel) 'Jake, are you home?'

It's Aunt Raquel. Look, you stay here, I'll get rid of her.

Fine. Leave the donuts.

Uh, maybe you better hide, just in case.

Gotcha.

(ALF) 'Oh, a piece of cheese.'

[mousetrap snaps]

Never mind.

Aunt Raquel, what happened to you?

- I went to the beauty parlor. - I hope you didn't leave a tip.

Mrs. Byrd and I had a slight altercation.

That hussy was getting gussied up for my husband.

[scoffs] So got in a fight with her?

Ladies do not fight.

I simply suggested that

she keep her meat hooks off of my man.

And if the manicurist hadn't pulled me off her

I might have gotten in a few more suggestions.

Uh, Aunt Raquel, where're you goin'?

Upstairs to rest.

(Jake) 'Hey, not on the bed though.'

(Raquel) 'Of course, on the bed.'

What, what is the matter with you?

Uh, nothin'. N-nothin'. I-I guess I'm just distraught.

Y-you know, about you and Uncle Trevor.

Huh!

I know it's painful, but we have to face the facts.

Trevor just does not understand me.

(Trevor) 'Raquel!'

Go away!

(Trevor) 'I'm comin' up.'

You see what I mean?

- Everybody down. - What?

The terrorist. Where's the terrorist?

- What are you talking about? - Huh?

A concerned neighbor called

and said you were being held hostage by a terrorist.

Do you see a terrorist in here?

Fine. Fine. Sue me for worryin' about ya.

So have a nice life.

(ALF) 'Yo.'

Yo what?

U-uh, y-y-yo, yo this, I guess.

What is it?

It's a crumpled piece of paper with writing on it.

That's the poem that your Uncle Trevor wrote to me

last year when we renewed our wedding vows.

Oh, uh, uh, read it, Aunt Raquel.

"To Raquel, the most wonderful woman in the world.

"You're the meaning of my life. You're the inspiration.

"You bring meaning to my life. You're the inspiration.

"I wanna have you near me.

"I wanna have you hear me saying

'No one needs you more than I need you.'"

You threw that away?

Don't you know how long it took me to write that?

You didn't write that. It's from a song by Chicago.

I mean, it took me a long time to write it down.

Do you think I'm stupid, Trevor?

I knew you didn't write this poem.

Then why didn't you call me on it?

Because it didn't matter.

What mattered was is that you gave it to me.

Raquel..

...I meant every word I stole.

Well, I guess times have changed.

"Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?"

I'm sorry.

I'm just tryin' to tell you that I still love you, Raquel.

More than arena football?

Yeah.

Oh, I should know better than to try to change you.

Take me back, Raquel, hm?

I-I promise I'll try not to be a slob.

Although in all fairness you did know I was raised in a barn.

[laughs]

Whoa!

What was that?

Ah!

Leg cramp.

Uh, w-why don't we all go get Uncle Trevor's stuff?

Good idea!

Raquel.

I'll carry the moose head.

Well, I missed you, Raquel.

"You're A Hard Habit To Break."

[instrumental music]

Okay, you can come out now, ALF.

Oh, oh, thanks.

You're a lifesaver.

You're more than a lifesaver.

You're a milk dud.

How'd you know about that poem anyway?

Well, Raquel was reading it to herself last night.

You crawl under people's houses..

(both) You hear things.

Ah, ah.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]