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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:06,772 Ha. Ha. Ha. 2 00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:13,245 I can see myself in this coffee pot, can I go now? 3 00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:15,948 Not until you can see yourself in the silverware. 4 00:00:15,950 --> 00:00:19,785 Who's coming to dinner? The smudge police? 5 00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,653 They're my college roommates. 6 00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:23,689 I know, I know. 7 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:26,091 Rent a sense of humor, will ya? 8 00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:29,028 ALF, I only have these people over once every four years 9 00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:31,797 and I don't like you ridiculing my efforts. 10 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,732 Fine, from now on 11 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,168 I'll be a "Yes" alien. 12 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:37,202 [knocking on door] 13 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,871 Coming! 14 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:41,306 (Willie) 'Hurry up, Kate, we got groceries.' 15 00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:42,908 We can't let you in. 16 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,244 We just polished the doorknob. 17 00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:46,278 ALF! 18 00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:52,384 Wow! Look at that sign! 19 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,919 What sign? 20 00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:54,953 Ah-h! 21 00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:58,223 (Kate) 'ALF?' 22 00:00:59,627 --> 00:01:01,560 What? 23 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,763 [theme music] 24 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,793 [music continues] 25 00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,792 [instrumental music] 26 00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,964 When? How? 27 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,666 Why did you do this? 28 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,301 Half an hour ago. 29 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,436 Crayon. 30 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,304 Seemed like a good idea. 31 00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:24,343 Well, it's not coming off. 32 00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:26,712 Maybe they won't notice. 33 00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,013 They won't notice.. 34 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,949 ...because they won't be coming here. 35 00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,985 If I were the paranoid type 36 00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:35,254 I'd think this had something to do with me. 37 00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:39,958 Hello, Betty? Uh, listen, it's Kate. 38 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,862 Um, uh, I'm afraid we can't get together here tonight. 39 00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:47,266 Uh, my decorator got a little carried away. 40 00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,870 No, no, no, no, I still wanna get together. 41 00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:54,373 Uh, how about if we meet...on campus 42 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,308 at the Summa Cum Lately? 43 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,442 Yeah, it's still there. 44 00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,111 I here it's Cajun now. 45 00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:00,546 Same time would be great. 46 00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:03,448 Listen, will you call Maura? I'll call Sylvia. 47 00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:05,517 Okay. Yeah. Well, see you then. 48 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,052 Bye-bye. 49 00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:09,555 Best we can do is to paint over it. 50 00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,356 You're gonna cover that up? 51 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,892 That's like covering up a Rembrandt 52 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:16,094 or a Winchell's billboard. 53 00:03:16,931 --> 00:03:19,431 We're painting over it. 54 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:22,801 I think I got some more of that beige in the garage. 55 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:25,404 Beige? Now there's a commitment to color. 56 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,173 It'll be beige, ALF. 57 00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,409 And if you interfere in any way 58 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:33,145 you maybe hearing the buzz of a Lady Remington. 59 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:39,218 [instrumental music] 60 00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:40,852 (female #1) 'Waiter, could I have a margarita?' 61 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:41,954 (female #2) 'Make that a pitcher.' 62 00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:43,922 (waiter) 'Coming right up!' 63 00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,425 Now, tell me what have you guys been up to? 64 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,493 Well, we haven't been trying cases 65 00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:51,029 before the state supreme court like some people. 66 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,464 Yeah, congratulations. 67 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:53,799 Next thing you know you'll be confirmed 68 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,000 as Chief Justice. 69 00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:56,835 Not a chance. I smoked marijuana 70 00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:58,237 once during the sixties. 71 00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,338 [laughing] 72 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,506 Now, tell me what have you been up to? 73 00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:04,776 Same old thing. I'm still selling houses on the Westside. 74 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,145 Yeah, yeah. Number one in sales again. 75 00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,715 They gave her a Cadilac to match her blazer. 76 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,184 Yeah, but beige is so non-committal. 77 00:04:12,186 --> 00:04:13,218 Oh. 78 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,953 I've heard that. 79 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,990 And what about you, Sylvia? 80 00:04:17,992 --> 00:04:20,525 Sold the card shop, bought a stationary store. 81 00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:21,994 Sold that, bought a paper mill. 82 00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:24,062 Sold that, bought a forest. 83 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,898 That's fantastic! 84 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:29,735 - And what are you up to, Kate? - Nothing. 85 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:32,137 Well, uh, no, not nothing. 86 00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:34,339 I'm still a wife and mother. 87 00:04:34,341 --> 00:04:37,209 I have to stay home and watch the children. 88 00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:39,177 I thought Brian was in school now. 89 00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,681 He is. She means stay home and watch all my children. 90 00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:44,716 Well, a family of five.. 91 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,218 ...or, in my case, four 92 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:48,453 or any number for that matter.. 93 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,555 ...is quite a responsibility. 94 00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:52,958 Boy, sometimes I wish I'd gone that way. 95 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,827 The whole thing just seems so alien to me. 96 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,896 Yeah, that's another thing. 97 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,599 You know, we have got to get to the airport. 98 00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:01,833 - Oh, I know. - 'Oh.' 99 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,235 Look, what are the chances of y'all 100 00:05:03,237 --> 00:05:04,503 flying up to Portland next year? 101 00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:05,937 - Slim. - None. 102 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,706 Never mind. I'll come down. 103 00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,074 - Bye-bye. - Bye. 104 00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,109 - Bye. - Bye, sweetie. 105 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,045 I can't believe it, I missed the whole party. 106 00:05:13,047 --> 00:05:14,846 - Bye, sweetie. - See you later. 107 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,048 - So short! - Once a year. 108 00:05:16,050 --> 00:05:18,083 It's like two minutes. 109 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:19,251 - See you next year. - See you, guys. 110 00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:21,186 - Yeah, next year. - Next year. 111 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,122 Oh. 112 00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:25,757 Maura, I-I've got to go in a minute too. 113 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,560 But, uh...I just wanna tell you.. 114 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:33,298 ...how proud we are of you and.. 115 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:36,568 ...how much I respect what you have accomplished. 116 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:41,139 [sobbing] 117 00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,976 Gee, I meant that as a compliment. 118 00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,311 Oh, Kate. 119 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,747 Kate, I can't go home. 120 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:51,049 Well, honey, why? What's happened? 121 00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,685 John and I have had a really terrible fight. 122 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:54,920 Oh. 123 00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,323 Can I stay with you tonight? 124 00:05:58,325 --> 00:05:59,925 Uh...no. 125 00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,462 Uh, you know what 126 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,464 no, I-I mean of course. 127 00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,833 - You can stay...with me. - Oh, thank you. 128 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:08,867 Uh.. 129 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,335 Oh, l-look, l-let me make just a 130 00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:12,938 real quick phone call, okay? 131 00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:15,407 And, um, I'll be right back. 132 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:27,119 [telephone rings] 133 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,657 Hello. 134 00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:35,460 Dad, it's for you. It's mom. 135 00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:38,430 Go ahead, Willie. I'll hold the brush. 136 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:41,967 Well, okay, but don't paint with it. 137 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,668 I won't. 138 00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:45,670 Um, don't eat it. 139 00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:50,776 He didn't say not to lick it. 140 00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:52,744 It's implied. 141 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:53,979 Rats! 142 00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:57,115 Hello? 143 00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,884 Oh, hi, honey, it's me. 144 00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,285 Hi, Kate, what's the matter? 145 00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,020 [sighs] Uh, well, nothing really. 146 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,990 But I'm here with Maura and she wants to spend the night. 147 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,158 (Willie) 'Here?' 148 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,260 Uh, yes, um.. 149 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:10,095 Uh, she just had a big fight with John 150 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,030 and she's very upset, I'd like to help her out. 151 00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,965 'But can we manage it?' 152 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,034 Well, the sign's almost covered. 153 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,303 'All we have to do is hide the artist.' 154 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:24,276 Okay. We'll be home in about, uh, 30 minutes. 155 00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:26,178 She can sleep on the couch. 156 00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:27,612 Well, that should be no problem. 157 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,681 (ALF) Whoa! 158 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:30,715 (Brian) ALF! 159 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,522 How would she feel about sleeping on the floor? 160 00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:41,159 Oh. 161 00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:45,397 Well, at least I didn't get any on me. 162 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:50,268 [instrumental music] 163 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,544 Works for me. 164 00:07:59,546 --> 00:08:03,148 Thank you for the ALF housekeeping seal of approval. 165 00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:06,184 I'll be going to the garage now. 166 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,053 No, you won't. 167 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:10,522 I won't be going to the garage now. 168 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,991 Where will I be going? 169 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:16,461 You will be sleeping in Brian's room tonight. 170 00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,030 I don't wanna sleep in Brian's room. 171 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,399 His Smurf clock offends me. 172 00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:28,173 You will be sleeping in Brian's room. 173 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,142 I will be sleeping Brian's room. 174 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:33,545 Even though his Smurf clock offends me. 175 00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:38,383 (Kate) 'Well here we are Maura.' 176 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:39,885 ALF. 177 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:41,353 I'll be in Brian's room 178 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:44,155 along with that grinning blue idiot. 179 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,959 I'll just, uh, open the lock 180 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,695 and...in we go. 181 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:53,231 Fine, Kate. Go ahead. Whatever you say, I'm ready. 182 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:55,233 - Hi! - Hi, Willie. 183 00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,402 - Hi, Maura. - Willie. 184 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,970 Hi, it's so nice to see you. 185 00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:01,806 Welcome to our humble abode. 186 00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,675 Thanks for taking me in. 187 00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:05,844 Oh, I hope this isn't an inconvenience. 188 00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:10,081 No, not at all. Well, I hope you don't mind sleeping on a bed. 189 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,349 [chuckles] 190 00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:13,985 Uh, normally, there's a couch there 191 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:16,521 but, um...we're having it cleaned. 192 00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:18,690 And burned! 193 00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,760 Well, listen, I'm just really glad to be here. 194 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,828 Uh, I'll go get an extra blanket. 195 00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,297 Thanks, honey. 196 00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:29,100 So would you like to call John 197 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,335 let him know you're alright? 198 00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,537 What, and ruin his evening? 199 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:36,107 Why don't I make us some tea? 200 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,009 Oh, Lynnie, you know Mrs. Norris. 201 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,711 Of course, how are you? 202 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:42,581 Lynnie! I don't believe it. 203 00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,349 Oh, is this that same little girl that 204 00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:46,151 used to drool on my law books? 205 00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:47,586 Well, I've developed a greater 206 00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:49,454 respect for the law since then. 207 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:52,223 And since I read your arguments in People v. Fusco. 208 00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,092 You actually read those arguments? 209 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,360 Oh, sure! 210 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:56,895 Maura, what do you take in your tea? 211 00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,263 Usually bourbon. 212 00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,531 Ha ha ha. 213 00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,835 [instrumental music] 214 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:12,844 Hi! 215 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,180 Uh-oh! 216 00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,351 Nice try though. 217 00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:20,986 Huh? 218 00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:23,855 Oh, come on, Sammy. 219 00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,024 Did you honestly think that you could fool me 220 00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,792 with that silly disguise? 221 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,094 Sammy? 222 00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:30,862 Sammy who? 223 00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,797 What do you mean Sammy who? 224 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,265 Sammy you! 225 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:36,835 You know me? 226 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,903 Of course. 227 00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,438 Now, quit fooling around. 228 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,841 Come over here, sit down, have a drink. 229 00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:46,478 Well, maybe a short one. 230 00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:50,849 [instrumental music] 231 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,287 [instrumental music] 232 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,590 Now, you realize that I'm just 233 00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:00,458 a figment of your imagination 234 00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,628 and not an alien from another planet, right? 235 00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:05,664 Of course. 236 00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,098 Just checking. 237 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,500 Well, gotta run! 238 00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:10,735 I've got other dreams to appear in. 239 00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:12,337 Oh, knock it off, Sammy. 240 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,406 You're not going anywhere. 241 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:15,940 I'm not? 242 00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:18,943 No, we've been through all this before. 243 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,413 By the way, that is the strangest 244 00:11:21,415 --> 00:11:23,481 I've ever seen you look. 245 00:11:24,418 --> 00:11:26,618 You should see me in a tank top. 246 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,221 This even beats the time you showed up 247 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,590 as the dog in the cowboy suit. 248 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:37,562 How often do I show up? 249 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,531 You arrive during the third margarita 250 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,733 and leave sometime during the blackout. 251 00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:44,803 Well, at least I'm consistent. 252 00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:46,271 Yeah. Here. 253 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,274 Salud. 254 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,376 [sniffing] 255 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,445 Holy owned and operated! 256 00:11:53,447 --> 00:11:56,214 - What is this stuff? - What do you mean what is it? 257 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,551 We've been drinking tequila together for seven years. 258 00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,486 Well, did I ever ask what's in it? 259 00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:05,356 No. You just always said that it tastes better than it smells. 260 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:08,293 Well, let's hope so. 261 00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,495 Well, at least there's a worm in it. 262 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,734 [screeching] 263 00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:18,603 [exhales] 264 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,839 - I was wrong. - About what? 265 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:24,042 [gasps] This tastes worse than it smells. 266 00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:28,046 [gasping] 267 00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:33,718 [ALF groaning] 268 00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,323 [thudding] 269 00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,558 Willie, what's that? 270 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,393 Well, I don't, I don't know. 271 00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,329 It sounds like.. 272 00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:47,031 ...an alien groaning and groping his way 273 00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,534 along the walls of our hall. 274 00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,603 That's what I thought. 275 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,539 [groaning] Oh! 276 00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,174 ALF, what are you doing? 277 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,208 [groaning] 278 00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:59,878 Groaning and groping 279 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,081 and looking for a place to do the Technicolor yawn. 280 00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:07,585 What's the matter? 281 00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:09,954 I've been poisoned, Willie. 282 00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,422 Earth germs. 283 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,792 I saw it in "War Of The Worlds." 284 00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:16,761 Before aliens can destroy the planet.. 285 00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,963 ...the Earth germs get 'em. 286 00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,599 What are you talking about? 287 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:24,903 Well, my tongue feels hairy. 288 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:27,071 Your tongue is hairy. 289 00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:28,406 What did you eat? 290 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,242 Just the usual, everything. 291 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,178 It's what I drank. 292 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,779 (Kate) 'What did you drink?' 293 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,981 I think they call it tequila. 294 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,518 ALF! 295 00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,822 You have a hangover! 296 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,958 You shouldn't be drinking. 297 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,960 Hey, I'm over 21. 298 00:13:49,896 --> 00:13:52,497 I'm over 221. 299 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,333 You got into the liquor cabinet? 300 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:59,237 No, Maura got into the liquor cabinet. 301 00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:01,706 You saw her? She saw you? 302 00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:04,709 Yeah, yeah, now we're seeing each other. 303 00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,878 But I don't think it's gonna work out. 304 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,880 She's a booze hag. 305 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,750 That is not true! 306 00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,552 And I will not have you or anyone else 307 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,120 insulting my friends that way. 308 00:14:16,122 --> 00:14:17,155 Do you hear me? 309 00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:19,157 Oh, boy, do I! 310 00:14:22,596 --> 00:14:24,796 This isn't a criticism, Willie. 311 00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:27,098 But your wife's voice seems 312 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:30,001 unusually grating this morning. 313 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,739 I can't believe you 314 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:37,942 and Maura got drunk together. 315 00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:40,178 Yeah. 316 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,446 And now she thinks I'm her 317 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,381 imaginary drinking buddy. 318 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,551 Who appears after she's had half of fifth. 319 00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,052 Which must be a tenth. 320 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,788 Ow, ow, math hurts. 321 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,292 Drinking.. 322 00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,027 ...it's not good. 323 00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:57,729 Well, tell me about it. 324 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,565 I'm off the sauce forever. 325 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,601 It's that hooch-monger you have to worry about. 326 00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:08,206 Will you stop insulting Kate's friend? 327 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,975 Well, what would you call her? 328 00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:14,145 Her name is Maura. It's always been Maura. 329 00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,547 Except in college when we called her.. 330 00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,751 ...boilermaker. 331 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,621 She played ball for Purdue? 332 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,592 [sighs] 333 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:30,929 She drank 14 boilermakers in one night. 334 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:35,033 I guess we thought that was funny at the time. 335 00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:38,670 ALF. 336 00:15:38,672 --> 00:15:40,905 I would like to apologize for losing my temper 337 00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:44,742 if you will apologize to me for what you said about Maura. 338 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:48,746 Apology accepted and given. 339 00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:51,149 Now, if you'll excuse me 340 00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:53,952 I have to drive the porcelain bus. 341 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,119 [retching] 342 00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,558 Is he really that hung over? 343 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,793 [ALF retching] 344 00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:06,564 Apparently. 345 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,233 Uh, maybe we ought to go 346 00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:11,769 see what sort of shape Boilermaker is in. 347 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:15,106 I-I mean Maura. What shape Maura is in. 348 00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:18,242 Boilermaker? Did you say "Boilermaker?" 349 00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:21,379 Yeah, that's what we called her in college. 350 00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:23,581 [ALF retching] 351 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:27,251 Why did you call her that? 352 00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:31,022 Because she drank too much. 353 00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:34,492 And let's face it, Kate, she still does. 354 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:38,396 You mean you think that she's an alcoholic? 355 00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:40,631 I don't know, um.. 356 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,834 ...I think you should talk to her. 357 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:46,571 But, honey, she's so successful and motivated and-- 358 00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:47,805 Miserable. 359 00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,675 Yeah. 360 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,210 [ALF retching] 361 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,780 (ALF) 'I don't remember eating that.' 362 00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,982 [instrumental music] 363 00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:00,952 So what's the main attribute 364 00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:03,454 for a lawyer facing the Supreme court? 365 00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:05,690 A lack of ethics. 366 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,191 And shiny shoes. 367 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:08,326 [laughs] 368 00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:11,796 I'm sorry. It's a little too early to talk shop. 369 00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:14,699 Well, maybe a little Lynnie. 370 00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,100 How early is it anyway? 371 00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:17,702 Mmm, 7:30. 372 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,504 [groaning] Oh. 373 00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:20,571 - Hi, guys. - Good morning, Maura. 374 00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,040 - Good morning. - Good morning. 375 00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:23,941 Oh, dad, could you drop me off at school? 376 00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:25,877 - Julie's car broke. - What do you mean broke? 377 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:27,979 You mean she got a flat tire? 378 00:17:27,981 --> 00:17:30,982 No, dad. One of the flange gaskets is leaking gas 379 00:17:30,984 --> 00:17:33,518 onto the intake manifold. 380 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,353 I stand corrected. 381 00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,789 We-we'll be on our way just as soon as I, uh.. 382 00:17:37,791 --> 00:17:39,424 ...finish my screwdriv-- 383 00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,292 I mean my orange juice. 384 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,595 Would you like some breakfast, Maura? 385 00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,631 Oh, thanks, Kate, I'm having it. 386 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,800 How about some tomato juice? 387 00:17:48,802 --> 00:17:50,735 Plain tomato juice? 388 00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:53,037 Yeah. 389 00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:54,072 Pass. 390 00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:01,679 We got to go, Lynn, um.. 391 00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,714 Great to see you again, Maura. 392 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,049 - Thanks, Willie. - Gosh! 393 00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:07,118 I hope everything works out for you. 394 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,419 Okay. 395 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,054 Goodbye, Mrs. Norris. 396 00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,656 It was so great seeing you. 397 00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:12,957 Oh, same here, Lynnie. 398 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:15,259 Oh, I have so much respect for you 399 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:18,162 and I would really like to be like you someday. 400 00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,765 [sobbing] 401 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,266 - What's wrong? What'd I say? - It's okay. 402 00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,669 - No, it's nothing. - Is she okay? 403 00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:27,805 Oh. 404 00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:32,276 Rough night last night, huh? 405 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,278 Oh, no rougher than usual. 406 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,749 You mean nothing strange happened? 407 00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:40,852 Uh, you-you slept okay? 408 00:18:40,854 --> 00:18:42,053 I mean you didn't, uh 409 00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:43,921 hear anything or see anything? 410 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,289 What are you getting at, Kate? 411 00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,758 Nothing. I just wondered. 412 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,727 Yeah-uh, if you slept okay? 413 00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:51,796 Fine, I slept fine. 414 00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,334 Maura, I-I.. 415 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,736 ...I don't know exactly how to say this, but.. 416 00:18:59,873 --> 00:19:02,273 ...are you aware of how much you drink? 417 00:19:03,877 --> 00:19:06,344 Well, I drink, but no more than anybody else. 418 00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:08,112 I can certainly handle it. 419 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,714 I'm not so sure about that. 420 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:14,285 I think that you might have a little problem with this. 421 00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,954 [chuckles] Oh, Kate. 422 00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:19,123 Kate, I had a huge fight with my husband. 423 00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,425 I'm under a lot of pressure at the firm. 424 00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:23,027 'It helps me relax, that's all.' 425 00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,762 'I don't have a drinking problem.' 426 00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:26,731 Look, Kate, I had a few drinks last night 427 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,466 because I was happy to see everybody. 428 00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:30,868 I had one or two more here before I went to bed 429 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,037 but that was it! 430 00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,972 [mimicking buzzer] Wrong! 431 00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,008 Sammy! 432 00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:38,976 Kate, do you see-- 433 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,412 She can't see or hear me, Maura. 434 00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:43,414 Only you can. 435 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,950 I'm your drinking pal, remember? 436 00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,922 See what, Maura? I don't see anything. 437 00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:54,792 There's a little guy...right there? 438 00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:57,361 Yeah, go ahead, describe me. 439 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:58,696 And while you're at it 440 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:01,165 tell her about the dog in the cowboy suit. 441 00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:05,503 Kate, there's this little man that I see sometimes 442 00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:06,871 when I dream, but.. 443 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,440 ...I've never seen him in the morning. 444 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:12,210 Well, I usually sleep in. 445 00:20:12,212 --> 00:20:15,580 Is this someone you see after you've been drinking? 446 00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,882 Yes. Sometimes, but.. 447 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:21,018 Oh, well, it really doesn't happen that often. 448 00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:23,120 I'll bet Kate's gonna ask you 449 00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,656 how long you've been seeing me. 450 00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:26,891 [fake coughs] 451 00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,026 Uh.. 452 00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:31,629 How long has this been going on? 453 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,664 Oh, a couple of weeks maybe. 454 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,132 How long? 455 00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,568 A year. 456 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,903 One year? 457 00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:41,072 Two or three years. 458 00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,007 - Ahem. - Alright. 459 00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:45,042 Seven years. 460 00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:47,411 Maura. 461 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:50,414 - That's a long time. - Yeah, I know. 462 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,585 Have you discussed this with John? 463 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,487 Yeah, we talk about it. 464 00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:57,521 [sobs] 465 00:20:57,523 --> 00:20:59,824 That's what we fight about. 466 00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:00,891 He thinks I'm an-- 467 00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:02,226 Booze hag? 468 00:21:04,197 --> 00:21:05,229 Sorry. 469 00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:09,267 - An alcoholic? - Yes, but he's wrong. 470 00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:10,534 Is he wrong? 471 00:21:10,536 --> 00:21:13,804 Maura, Maura, look who's here. 472 00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:15,773 Your imaginary drinking buddy. 473 00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:18,376 At 7:30 in the morning! 474 00:21:19,412 --> 00:21:21,512 [imitates gunfire] 475 00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:23,814 You wanna be stuck with that 476 00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:25,850 the rest of your life? 477 00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:27,518 No. 478 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,121 Then why don't we call the Betty White Clinic? 479 00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:32,423 Betty Ford. 480 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:35,393 What? 481 00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,030 I was just thinking that.. 482 00:21:39,032 --> 00:21:41,299 ...now would be a good time to get some help. 483 00:21:41,301 --> 00:21:43,301 Maura, there are places you can call 484 00:21:43,303 --> 00:21:46,170 that know how to handle this sort of thing. 485 00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:49,240 Honey, I just hate to see you so unhappy. 486 00:21:50,276 --> 00:21:51,309 Yeah. 487 00:21:52,779 --> 00:21:54,979 Maybe I ought to think about it. 488 00:21:55,515 --> 00:21:57,281 Good. 489 00:21:57,283 --> 00:22:00,351 Maura, I hope you never see me again. 490 00:22:05,625 --> 00:22:09,226 Wait, maybe it was the Betty Boob Clinic. 491 00:22:15,635 --> 00:22:18,135 [instrumental music] 492 00:22:20,306 --> 00:22:21,439 ALF. 493 00:22:21,441 --> 00:22:23,641 Here-here's another food catalog. 494 00:22:24,977 --> 00:22:27,878 Oh, the cheese log issue! 495 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:30,781 Listen to this. It's from Maura. 496 00:22:30,783 --> 00:22:33,517 "Dear, Kate, since my visit with you and your family 497 00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:36,253 "I've started to try and rebuild my life. 498 00:22:36,255 --> 00:22:38,689 "It's very difficult but I found a group of people 499 00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:42,393 "who are extremely supportive so at least I'm not alone. 500 00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:44,662 "I'm even starting to like the taste 501 00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:48,032 of plain tomato juice. Ha ha." 502 00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:51,102 I hate it when people write in laughs like that. 503 00:22:52,238 --> 00:22:54,438 At least she didn't write "I kill me." 504 00:22:56,442 --> 00:22:59,543 "I'm anxious to have you all over to dinner soon. 505 00:22:59,545 --> 00:23:02,279 BYO soft drinks." 506 00:23:02,915 --> 00:23:04,448 Did she invite me? 507 00:23:04,450 --> 00:23:07,251 Oh, she didn't mention you, Sammy. 508 00:23:08,154 --> 00:23:10,054 After all I did for her 509 00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:12,256 she pretends I don't exist. 510 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,193 I'm sure she's grateful, ALF. 511 00:23:16,195 --> 00:23:17,862 But, you know, we're the only ones 512 00:23:17,864 --> 00:23:20,064 who really know what you did. 513 00:23:20,967 --> 00:23:22,867 We owe you one. 514 00:23:22,869 --> 00:23:24,402 A big one? 515 00:23:24,404 --> 00:23:25,770 A big one! 516 00:23:25,772 --> 00:23:29,039 Great! Cheese log number 37. 517 00:23:29,041 --> 00:23:30,741 Muenster Madness. 518 00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:34,478 Fifty pound size, $99.95. 519 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:35,613 Ha-ha! 520 00:23:35,615 --> 00:23:38,082 She walked right into that, didn't she? 521 00:23:38,084 --> 00:23:40,284 She certainly did. 522 00:23:40,286 --> 00:23:43,120 - Ha-ha! - $99.95? 523 00:23:43,122 --> 00:23:45,589 It's a lot of cheese. 524 00:23:45,591 --> 00:23:48,192 Be thankful I didn't get the Nell Carter Ball. 525 00:23:48,194 --> 00:23:49,560 [laughing] Yeah. 526 00:23:53,399 --> 00:23:56,400 [theme music] 527 00:24:22,929 --> 00:24:24,261 Whoa! 528 00:24:24,263 --> 00:24:27,465 [instrumental music] 39663

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