Original subtitles

(ALF) Four, five..

If line 65 is larger than line 34, deduct from line--

- What are you doing? - Huh?

I'm doing Willie's taxes and eating his dinner.

Oh...leave that alone.

Uff, what do you know about taxes?

I'm an expert on travel, entertainment and depreciation.

You mean destruction.

No, destruction goes under entertainment.

Hi, everybody.

- Hi, dad. - Hi.

Willie, how did your meeting go?

And more importantly, what are your projected capital gains

for the fourth quarter, if any?

Strangely enough, ALF, I will be enjoying

a modest increase in income

because I've just been promoted to district supervisor.

- Oh! - 'That's great.'

Congratulations. You got it.

So you're gonna be supervisor for all of Los Angeles?

Well, not exactly all of Los Angeles.

- Fullerton? - No.

- Anaheim? - No.

Well, are you gonna tell us where it is

or should we get a map and throw darts?

Actually, I'm supervisor for all of San Diego.

So you mean we're gonna have to move?

Well, it kinda looks like it.

We can't move. I've put down roots here.

You know, this year is my last year of high school.

You don't wanna move either, do you, ALF?

I'm ambivalent.

On one hand I could use the change of scenery.

On the other hand I'm terrified of Shamu.

Hey, Lynn, we're not gonna move

until after the end of the school year.

In the meantime, I'll commute.

You are gonna taking me when you move, right?

Well, we might if you stop eating Willie's dinner.

Oh, immediate gratification

versus long term security.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[yawns]

Morning, Bri.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know it's early but I'm sure

your dad will appreciate you seeing him off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know when you were a baby you used to wake us up

at 6:00 a.m.

Boy, you really carry a grudge.

- Good morning. - Hi, honey.

I thought you were gonna do the 30 minute workout.

I was, but I turned off the TV

when I heard that perky little voice yell

"Come on, gang, let's jazzercise."

¶ San Diego here I come ¶

¶ Melmac's where I started from ¶¶

I told you, ALF, we're not moving yet.

But..

¶ All my bags are packed I'm ready to go ¶¶

- Would you like some breakfast? - What do you think?

I'll be having the bacon and eggs

and sausage and ham, and liver and onions

and chicken pot pie.

- We're having oatmeal. - Even better.

My cholesterol must be in the millions.

- Good morning, dad. - Hi, honey.

Hey, you guys didn't have to all get up for me this morning.

That's not what mom said.

[Willie chuckles]

Hey, boss man, ready for your first day as head honcho?

The big cheese. Mr. Dithers.

Big cheese will be fine.

Speaking of cheese, Kate, throw a slab on my oatmeal.

Honey, would you like some breakfast?

Uh, no, I'll-I'll just have this cinnamon roll.

Sorry, we're out.

- We got a present for you, dad. - For me?

Oh! How thoughtful, you guys.

Oh, look at this. Classic books on tape.

"'Crime and Punishment,' 'Madame Bovary'

'Twisted Sister.'"

Well, if you don't like that one, I'll take it.

[knock on door]

- 'Hey, Tanners.' - ALF, it's Trevor.

When does this man sleep?

Trevor!

- Hi. - Hi, Kate.

What are you doing up so early?

I never miss 30 minute workout.

- You work out? - I watch.

I like that one instructor on the left, Muffy

the low-impact one.

Hey, who's the extra oatmeal for?

- Uh.. - You.

Yeah, Trevor, we were hoping you'd come over.

Great. I should drop by more often.

Why...did...you drop by?

Oh, yeah, I wanted to wish you

good luck on the new job.

And to see why you haven't left yet.

That drive down to San Diego is a killer.

Why is there cheese in this?

We like it that way.

Then let's trade.

You're right about that drive.

I-I better get going.

- Bye, dad. - Don't forget your tapes.

Okay, now, drive carefully, sweetheart.

- We'll see you tonight. - Yeah. Goodbye.

Goodbye, everyone.

And, uh, say goodbye to...anyone else who might miss me.

- We will. - uh, good luck, Tanner.

Um.. Oh.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

I don't believe you are eating crackers in bed.

I know. It's such a cliche.

Could you be a dear and hoover the crumbs out of my fur?

I want every single crumb out of this bed.

Including you.

Kate, Kate.

I know you're upset about Willie

but he'll be home soon

and I won't leave this bed till he is.

- Hi. - Rats.

Just what I wanted to see in my bed.

Thanks. Cracker?

Honey, it's 11 o'clock at night. What happened?

I'm sorry, Kate.

I-I-I got in a big tie-up on the..

...on the...

- Freeway. - Freeway.

I suppose you've discussed the, uh, crackers in bed.

Yes, well, we were just beginning a dialogue

on that when you came in.

Yes, your arrival was most fortuitous.

Not that it matters.

I'm so tired now I could sleep on broken glass.

Well, then you might wanna sleep in front of the China cabinet.

I thought it would be a good time to mention it.

We'll begin a dialogue on that...later.

Oh, honey, you look exhausted.

Maybe you should get a place down there during the week.

I can't do that, Kate. It would cost too much.

Well, get a couple of roommates.

A blond and a brunette.

But remember, when Mr. Roper comes over

pretend you're gay.

We're just gonna have to move to San Diego

sooner than we planned, that's all.

Alright, I'll go pack..

...again.

[sighs] So I guess we should sell the house right away.

Maybe with the extra money I'm making

we can afford a bigger one.

Excuse me

but did anyone find my cheese spread?

Ooh.

Keep it.

[instrumental music]

Goodbye. And, uh, thanks for your offer.

I'm not letting anyone turn this place into a bed and breakfast.

Did someone mention breakfast?

I'll be having the bacon and eggs and sausage and--

ALF, it's 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

Ham and liver and chicken pot pie.

You know I hate the thought of someone else living here.

I hate the thought that it's 14 hours till breakfast.

[sighs] Will you stop thinking about your stomach?

We're going through a traumatic experience here.

Hey, hey, hey. I can relate.

This place means a lot to me too.

The garage I crashed into.

The bathroom I flooded.

The kitchen I blew up.

[sobbing]

Let's sell this dump.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I'm sorry, Mrs. Spencer, I-I don't know

what happened to your check.

Yes, I know you have five children.

[chuckles] I can hear them from here.

Yeah. I know the check is late.

Yes, I know how to read a calendar.

It's the tenth. It's the eleventh.

I-I'll-I'll see that you get that check, Mrs. Spencer.

[sighs]

[clears throat]

Good morning, sir.

Uh, do you recall, uh, Mrs. Gladys Spencer?

Spencer?

Spencer? Umm..

You were supposed to have sent her a check for $482.

Uh, I think I sent it, I-I remember sending something..

...to-to somebody.

Well, she said she didn't get that check.

Well, she probably blew it on lottery tickets

forgot about it.

But just in case she didn't

would you mind checking to see

if you have any record of that check?

Sir, I'll get right on it.

When?

When what?

When are you going to get right on it?

Well, uh, I was thinking ...after lunch.

How about now?

- I'm not hungry yet. - Get up!

Gee, whatever happened to please?

Mr. Tanner, did you sign those requisitions forms?

- Oh! - They have to go out by 1:00.

I'll get right on.. I'll do that now.

And payroll is still waiting for last week's time sheets.

Uh, I'll-I'll do that now.

And, sir, I still don't have a parking space.

Oh, sorry, Denise, I'll do that now.

Okay, and your son is on line two.

Sure, no problem, Denise. I've got 12 hands.

- Hi, Brian - 'Hi, daddy!'

- ALF, I'm very busy. - What are you doing?

I'm assigning parking spaces.

I thought you were a social worker.

I am but at the moment... I'm assigning parking spaces.

What do you want?

Two more couple saw the house today.

Really. Did any of the couples make an offer?

Nothing worth considering.

I'm very busy, ALF. I can't talk now.

Put me on hold. I'll listen to the muzak.

Goodbye, ALF.

Later, babe.

I found the, uh, Spencer check. It was in the Wilcox file.

Wilcox, Wilcox. Yeah, that name sounds familiar.

Do you have any explanation for this?

- Oops. - Oops?

- That's it? - Oops, sir.

I'd like you to take this check...to Mrs. Spencer.

Sure.

Oh, sir?

Can I take your car?

I don't wanna take my new car into that part of town.

No, take your car.

Take it home and don't come back!

Denise, I found you a parking space.

Excuse me.

[instrumental music]

(man on TV) '...useful aluminum utensils of..'

'...right from the heart of the Orient.'

'This complete set of Ginsu Knives.'

'Plus, if you act now, you'll receive this'

'handy potato peeler, this automatic knife sharpener'

'and this genuine bronzite weather vane.'

'Call now.'

Oh, I will, I will!

Listen, what are you doing?

I'm buying you a genuine bronzite weather vane.

No, you're not.

Kindly remember this when you don't get a birthday present.

[sighs] Please, ALF, not tonight.

I'm too tired.

Rough day at the office, dear?

You said..

You know, I spent six hours on that..

- Freeway. - Freeway.

Nobody in my office likes where they have to park.

And on top of that, I had to fire a guy today.

Whoa! Swing that ax!

I never fired anybody in my entire life

and I swear I never wanna do it again!

Well, that's what George Steinbrenner always says.

Sounds to me like you're not too crazy about this new job.

I'm-I'm having a little trouble getting the hang of it

that's all.

Well, like my old skleenball coach used to say

"Find out what you don't do well.

Then don't do it."

It's not that simple, ALF.

There are other people and things

that depend on me.

And-and I've got to consider what's best for them.

Well...this move is a big mistake.

I've got to do somethin'.

Nah, that's too stupid.

I'll do it anyway.

[instrumental music]

So how long have you lived here?

All of our lives.

We don't wanna move.

Well, if we buy this house, you can come and visit it.

Call first.

Uh, what can you tell us about the neighborhood?

Well, umm..

[chuckles] ...the Ochmoneks take a little getting used to.

Ochmoneks? You can spray for those, can't you?

Oh, no, no, those are our neighbors.

You probably wouldn't like them.

- Lynn! - Although they're super people.

Perhaps you'd like to take a look at our ample closet space.

I-I can fix that.

[thuds]

I'm not sure I can fix that.

[chuckles] Well, that's okay. Howard will fix it.

He's handy with tools.

Yeah, lucky for me.

Oh, honey, look at the fireplace.

- What was that? - Oh, just...bricks.

Uh, why don't we show you the, uh, kitchen?

Yes, yes, that's-that's where the dishes are.

- ALF? - It's got to be.

Oh, what an interesting little kitchen.

This will be great once we change everything.

Fortunately, Howard is handy with tools.

Yes, you mentioned that.

That usually doesn't happen.

Imagine our relief.

You know, these are just little things that are easily fixed.

That doesn't mean it's not like it's anything major.

[rattling]

Like the plumbing?

Let me show you the rest of the house. Come.

Are-are you folks hiding any other little defects?

Just one and I'm going to take care of it.

The bedrooms are back here.

[electricity crackling]

Oh, that's, uh, that's probably just a fuse.

Who built this place?

The Poltergeist Construction Company?

Yeah, was anyone ever murdered here?

Not so far.

The master bedroom.

Well, at first glance, it seems harmless enough.

Uh, we have wall-to-wall carpeting and, umm..

Uh, this room is back from the street, so it's very quiet.

And, umm, this, of course, is where we sleep.

[cracking]

Although probably not tonight.

- I think we've seen enough. - Let's go, Howard.

Uh, uh, let me show you to the door.

Oh, ALF.

Could you get those two back in here?

They didn't even check the bathroom.

I loosened every third tile.

This is not the worst thing you've ever done.

This is the 15th worst thing you've ever done.

What was number nine?

The time you stuffed my shorts in Thanksgiving turkey.

What possible reason could you have had for this?

Nobody wants to move, including you.

How do you know that?

Because you're a social worker.

What's that got to do with anything--

Follow me, Willie. I'm trying to be linear.

Well, one could define social worker

as a person who performs work

for the social good, couldn't one?

Yes.

Well, then how come all you're doing

is playing musical parking spaces

and firing guys?

You know, I also have to find a shortstop

for the office softball team.

Try the Dominican Republic.

Just tell me this.

Why are we moving out of a house we do like

so you can keep a job you don't like?

I don't know.

I win.

- ALF, how could you-- - No, no, hold-hold on, Kate.

Before we give ALF the 15th worst scolding he's ever had

I think there's something you ought to know.

Brian, Lynn, Kate..

...how would you all feel if I asked for my old job back

and we just stayed in this house?

- Yay! - Oh, do you mean it, dad?

Of course, umm, I-I'm not gonna have that raise, you know?

Forget it, we'll move.

Sorry.

A momentary attack of shallowness.

I'm over it.

Well, honey, y-you worked so hard for this promotion.

What made you change your mind?

Actually, it was ALF who convinced me

we'd all be happier if we stayed right here.

(Kate) Oh!

Although..

...instead of destroying the house..

...why didn't we just talk about it?

That was plan B.

[instrumental music]

...closet door.

It's gonna take me at least a couple of weekends

to make these repairs, you know.

Well, you could have Howard help you.

He's handy with tools.

[doorbell rings]

Hi, I'm here to see the house.

Oh, I'm sorry. We just took it off the market.

What? Are you jerking me around?

Look, lady, I came all the way from Costa Mesa

to see this house

and I really think I should see the house.

Well, you can see it, but you're not gonna buy it.

And why not?

Whoa! I am out of here!

Hey, great! Now we've got a furnished basement.

Whoa! I am out of here!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]