Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Oh, soaking up rays, babe.

Except your sun lamps not working.

I've been sitting here for five hours.

Nada.

Five hours?

ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn.

[screaming ]

Sorry.

Oh! Oh, it hurts. It hurts.

Well, would you, would you like some cold cream?

Yeah. Uh, but just one scoop.

I'm on a diet.

It's for your nose.

That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.

ALF, I'm talking about cold cream.

Huh, not ice cream, cold cream.

You understand?

You're talking like they're two different things.

They are! Haven't you been listening?

What is this, healing through hollering?

Brian..

...what happened?

Yeah, you look terrible.

- I was in a fight. - Oh.

Looking like that?

Yeesh!

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Ow!

Nobody does this to my little pal

and gets away with it.

Unless they're over three feet tall.

Brian, what happened?

I was in a fight with Bobby Duncan.

Who is Bobby Duncan?

Isn't he that smart-mouth little punk

who lives down the street?

Yeah.

We have to retaliate.

You beat up his mother

you beat up his sister

and I'll eat up his cat.

We're not rumbling with the Duncan's.

Brian, what started the fight?

Yeah, was it over some woman?

Kind of. Yeah.

Alright, Brian!

Look, it doesn't matter what started it

I don't want you fighting.

But Bobby said you were old, ugly, and dumb.

Well...even so..

...next time just ignore him.

The little brat.

Don't let it bother you, mom

all kids think adults are old.

And ugly and dumb?

He's entitled to his opinion.

So anyway, I hit him.

Except, he hit me back harder.

Over...and over.

Well, I know that you think you were standing up for me

but you shouldn't fight.

Has he ever actually seen me?

Yeah.

I think I should give Bobby's mother a call.

No!

But he might beat you up again.

I'd rather get beat up, than be called a snitch.

Yeah, that's the worst.

On Melmac, some guy called me a snitch.

Just because I turned him in to the secret police.

Listen, when Bobby saw me, was I in curlers at the time?

Let it go, Kate.

[instrumental music]

Alright, after this lesson

you'll never get beat up at school again.

I'm not going to school anymore.

Don't say that.

School's very important.

If you dropout you wont get anywhere in life.

You'll just hang around the house all day

eating and watching TV.

But I wanna be like you.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Let's get back to Fist-to-Cuff school.

What do you know about fighting?

Are you kidding?

They used to call me Sugar Ray Shumway.

I could have been a contender if it weren't for my glass nose.

Really?

[screaming] My sunburn.

Sorry.

No problem.

Now, first you must learn to focus

all your energy on one thing.

What are you focusing on?

Your candy bar.

Brian, if I am gonna teach you how to fight

I'll need the energy of a 1,000 empty calories.

Uh, alright here.

You learn fast, Grasshopper.

You eat fast, Sugar Ray.

Alright, now, the trick here

is to concentrate all your energy

and let it explode

in a blinding flash of destruction.

Watch.

Hee-yah!

Alright!

Well, that never worked before.

Do it again.

Okay.

Hee-yah!

I guess there's only pain

when you don't break the board.

Unbelievable pain.

Hey, Brian.

You-your mother told me what happened.

Are you okay?

Yeah, ALF's teaching me the martial arts.

I don't want you teaching my son to fight, ALF.

Call an ambulance.

I'm serious, ALF.

Oh, and I'm not?

I broke my hand.

Wha.. Let me see if that..

It looks fine.

Thank you, Professor X-ray.

It's fine, ALF.

It's fine.

Oh. Hey, that feels good.

Could you do my shoulders?

You know, ALF, if you really wanna help

you'd teach him not to fight.

Well, he already knows how to do that.

Look at his face.

Excuse me, ALF, I know whereof I speak.

You see, when I was about Brian's age

there was a bully who lived on our block

who was always picking on me.

Whereof?

Sorry.

I'm still fascinated

by the oddities of the English language.

Anyway..

...this bully, his name was Clarence--

Oh-ha! Tough neighborhood.

[laughing]

[screaming]

Every day I'd try to stand up to him

and every day he'd beat me up.

Until finally my father told me

to just turn the other cheek.

Is this the same grandfather that talked to corn chips?

He was a wise man.

And, see, you know what happened?

When I refused to fight

Clarence stopped bothering me.

You see, it's no fun to pick on someone

who won't fight back.

So tomorrow, Bobby comes up to you

if he starts teasing you..

...I want you to just walk away, okay?

Okay.

Willie, my hand still hurts.

Kiss it?

Whoa. How continental.

[instrumental music]

I love you too, mom.

Buh-bye.

Why...are...those boards

in the fireplace?

ALF said, "If you can't break 'em, burn 'em."

ALF!

Boing!

ALF..

...we are not going to let you burn

perfectly good lumber.

Oh, right, one of these days

Willie's gonna build that gazebo.

Brian, what's wrong.

Nothing. See you tomorrow.

Oh, no, not again.

- Brian. - Hi, dad.

Bobby beat me up again.

Oh, no.

I tried to walk away, like you said..

...but he was sitting on me at the time.

Lynn, you get the first-aid kit.

Come on, Bri, let me clean you up.

Alright! That's it!

I say we fight violence with violence.

That's how we solved things back home.

But, ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?

Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?

Don't you see the connection?

What connection?

I give up.

Me, too.

I'm gonna lie down, my head is spinning.

Maybe a cold cream sundae.

Lynn, when did ALF started eating cold cream?

Hmm, about a month ago.

You should have heard what Bobby said.

Did he insult me again?

No. Dad.

What did he say about me?

He said you must have been desperate

to marry someone like mom.

I'm glad to see he's off my case.

Did he say anything about me?

Yeah. He said you were cute.

Does he know I'm mom's daughter?

This isn't funny.

I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm afraid

I'm gonna have to call Bobby's mother.

Save your dialing finger, Kate, she's not home.

She went down to the liquor store.

Who told you that?

Bobby's father.

Oh, by the way, he's coming over here

to beat the stuffing out of Willie.

What? Why?

Well, he didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.

ALF...I thought we agreed that you'd stop

impersonating me on the phone.

We agreed I would stop impersonating

the cast of "Green Acres."

Although, Mr. Haney

could have sold Brian..

...some revivifying potion..

...out of the back of his truck.

ALF, what did I say, to Bobby's father?

You were a bit rough actually.

It was so unlike you.

What did he say to me?

He said that..

...he was gonna turn your face into silly putty.

Hey, look at the bright side

you'll be able to reproduce the Sunday comics.

[doorbell ringing]

That might be Bobby's dad.

I'm outta here.

Hey, and don't worry, Willie

we won't let them keep you alive artificially.

[breathing heavily]

He-hello, you-you must be Mr. Duncan.

Yeah.

So you're gonna rip my face off, huh?

You know, I never meant to say that.

I-I was upset about Brian

uh, please, please accept my apology.

You beat up Bruce Lee?

Not the Bruce Lee.

Uh, I mean, not the, uh, karate Bruce Lee.

In fact his name wasn't actually Bruce, it was Herman.

Won't you come in?

Ah, ha ha. I get the picture.

You're one of those weasels who talks tough on the phone

but can't back it up.

Basically, yeah.

Oh, this must be Mrs. Weasel.

So pleased to meet you.

I donno why I bother comin' over?

I could have just sent Bobby.

Say, look here, I've said I was sorry.

Now, if you're not big enough to accept--

Hey, hey, hey, is that a crack about my height?

Because I have beat up bigger guys

than you just to get to a fight, Four Eyes.

Ha. Ha. Four Eyes.

Very original. Hmm.

What's happening out there?

Mr. Duncan called dad "Four Eyes."

Four Eyes! Ha ha.

Oh, that Duncan. What a yo-yo.

Shh!

Look, we're not looking for any trouble

we just want your son to stop picking on Brian.

Hey, hey, Bobby told me your son threw the first punch.

Well, that's because your son called me old and ugly and dumb.

Ugly? Better get that kid some glasses, huh?

No, uh.. Better make that contacts.

Right, Four Eyes?

You know, that joke gets less funny

every time I hear it...shorty.

Mom, dad, is it time for church yet?

Aww, are you trying to get your daddy out of a fight?

Guess whose idea that was?

I don't need my daughter to keep me from fighting.

No, um, you can run away from fights on your own.

That's it.

I'd like you to leave now.

Oh, I'm scared, I'm scared.

I've heard quite enough from you, more than enough.

- Too much! - Is that so, sissy boy?

Yes, it is.

You obnoxious little man!

[thud]

Way to go, Four Eyes! Yeah!

What have I done?

[instrumental music]

Doughnut, Willie?

Hey, no sweets for Boom-Boom Tanner.

He's in training.

I'm not in training.

Yes, you are.

I got you a fight with Mr. Hurlbut down the street.

Mr. Hurlbut is my friend!

Not after the way you talked to him.

Stop calling people!

Hey, don't hit, don't hit!

It was wrong, what I did.

I feel very bad about it.

Oh, honey, don't torture yourself.

Yeah, the bum deserved it.

He was a short, beady-eyed loudmouth.

Unlike anyone we know.

I'm not beady-eyed.

[doorbell dings]

Wonder who that could be?

Well, hard to say. I called so many people.

Everyone wants to take a poke at the champ.

I'm just glad Mike Tyson lives in New York.

Actually, he's thinking about moving out here.

Hey, that's what his girlfriend told me.

Hi, Tanner.

Whatever I said on the phone, I'm sorry.

What are talking about?

I just came over here to congratulate you, Killer.

It's Boom-Boom.

Everyone is talking about

what Willie did to that awful Mr. Duncan.

Well, how did they find out?

From me, of course.

Yeah, there's three ways news can travel..

Telephone, telegraph, and tell Raquel.

So what happened, Killer? Give us a blow-by-blow. Come on.

No, no, no, I never meant to hurt him.

Actually I was trying to teach Brian not to fight.

Well, you really pounded that lesson home.

I'm afraid so.

Oh, don't feel bad, Willie. Mr. Duncan deserved it.

Do you know, he had the nerve to complain

about Trevor burning tires in our yard.

Like I can control the wind.

How rude of Mr. Duncan.

Well, in all fairness he wasn't as rude as the fire marshal.

Well, let's go, Raquel.

If we overstay I reckon Willie'll throw us out

like yesterday's garbage.

[chuckles]

Bye, Killer.

Willie is a hero.

Just like Racky.

Nothing like Rocky.

Not Rocky. Racky.

He was our hero back on Melmac.

He was a tiny little raccoon.

Who taught us all to wash our food before we ate it.

We've got to keep in mind at all times

he's not from this planet.

Willie, if it'll make you feel any better.

Maybe you should try talking to Mr. Duncan again.

Hmm.

Yeah, worked like a charm the first time.

You know, you are right, Kate.

But this time I am not going to fight.

But I've already made you some boxing trunks.

I just rented that tuxedo.

Sorry, I thought you owned it.

Okay, if Willie can beat Trevor and Mr. Litwak

then we can get a bigger purse when he fights Mrs. Byrd.

We'll only take the purse if they throw in matching shoes.

Everything's settled?

Oh, well, Duncan's on his way over

he wanted to talk to me in person.

Where's Brian?

Is he gonna sing the national anthem?

No, I, I want him to be here.

So that he can see

that I can solve these things without fighting.

He's in his bedroom.

[doorbell dings]

Good luck, dad.

Yeah. Hey, remember, Willie, it's your title.

He has to take it away from you.

Brian?

Alright, Tanner. I'm back.

Mr. Duncan, please come in.

What is it?

I wanted you to meet Mr. Duncan.

This is my son, this is Brian.

This is the kid that gave my kid the black eye?

[scoffs]

You really gave Bobby a black eye?

Kate.

I mean I hope he's okay.

Can I get you anything?

How about a beer?

Of course. It is almost noon.

- Nice walk. - Oh..

That's my wife.

[sighs]

What's going on out there?

Mr. Duncan likes the way I walk.

Me too! Especially when you're carrying dinner.

I hope dad gets this over with.

That man gives me the creeps.

Lynn, how could you say that? Willie's your father!

I was talking about Mr. Duncan.

Oh, right.

All I'm trying to do is to get our kids to stop fighting.

Why would you wanna do that?

Fighting's good for kids. It's exercise.

Not for the guy on the ground.

Oh, thanks, babe.

You're welcome, bub.

Anyway, where I grew up, we were always fighting at-at home

at school, at the pet store.

At the pet store?

Hey, I like fightin'.

It's how I survived. It made me what I am today.

I'm in the scrap metal business and it's a tough racket.

Scrap metal?

Keep the can.

Hey, lady, is that a put-down?

I'm a scrap metal dealer, not a garbage man.

There's a big difference.

Oh, I think you're being overly sensitive here.

Oh, yeah?

How would you like it if I said you were the goofiest

looking doofus I've ever met.

- Wouldn't bother me. - Dad?

It's alright, Brian. Those are just words.

[imitating Willie] It's alright Brian. Those are just words.

Alright, Duncan. I've had my say.

- Now, I'd like you to leave. - Oh, yeah, sure.

Now that you know what I do for a living

I'm not good enough to be in your house.

Would you just leave?

Why don't you make me?

I would, but I'm too civilized.

Civilized? More like sissified, hey, doofus?

Oh, you are out of here!

[grunts]

[thud]

Yay, mom!

Let's hear it for Kate Boom-Boom Tanner.

Of course, you realize what you did was wrong.

Yeah, I know.

It's true, Brian.

In spite of what you've seen and heard here in the last two days

fighting is wrong.

And don't argue with them, or you'll wind up in the trash.

Hey, Kate, when are you free to mud wrestle Raquel?

[instrumental music]

In this corner

weighing in at 14 ounces

Mummy-Hamed Ali.

And in this corner weighing in at

none of your business..

...Gordon Sugar Ray Shumway.

[imitating crowd cheering]

Round one..

Ding.

Ow, low blow, low blow!

Oh, what do you mean low blow? He hit you in the nose.

Anything below my hairline is a low blow.

- Hi. - Hi, honey.

Oh, guess what? Bobby's not picking on Brian anymore.

In fact he's scared of him.

Well, that's what happens when your parents

are He-Man and She-Ra

masters of the neighborhood.

Weren't you in the middle of a bout?

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna wrap this one up, mummy.

[laughing]

Alright. Take that!

Yeah, bet you didn't know I could do that.

Oh, I'm not surprised.

The mummy's not the only one with a round bottom.

Body block!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]