Original subtitles

(ALF) On the last week on "ALF.."

You called me horsemeat.

And you won't let me eat cats.

You don't mind siting on plastic.

And that's what makes it so funny.

You think I wake up looking this good?

Try doing it naked.

(ALF) Hold it. This isn't making any sense.

Here's what happened when the neighbors were robbed.

[intense music]

Well, ALFer, it's up to you.

An alien's gotta do what an alien's gotta do.

When the going gets tough

the tough get going!

This guy's gonna be rice pudding.

Yeah.

[intense music]

Freeze!

Don't you know what freeze means?

(Griswald on megaphone) 'You in the house'

'come out with your hands up.'

Mommy!

(ALF) And that's what happened last week.

Did I miss anything?

I was under the drier.

(ALF) Hey wait a minute they promised they wouldn't show that again.

[theme music]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

Oh, no, the cops! Whatever it is I didn't do it.

Take it easy, Jake.

I have a distinct feeling those sirens

have something to do with ALF.

What is this false alarm number 27?

[chuckles]

Who's turn is it to apologize to the police?

Not me. They are not falling for my cute kid routine anymore.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Dad, it's ALF.

Would you tell him to come in here

if he wants to talk to me?

Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here

if you want to talk to him.

He says that's gonna be a problem.

Hello, ALF.

Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie!

What have I done?

I don't know, ALF. What have you done?

Did you see "Dog Day Afternoon?"

Where are you?

(Griswald on megaphone) 'The house is surrounded.'

'Come out with your hands up.'

Please hold.

Uh, no dice!

I'm armed, I'm dangerous

and I'm off my medication.

Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house!

As you may have gathered, Willie

I'm in big trouble.

You're always in trouble.

Yeah, but even on the ALF scale

this one's a humdinger.

I need help.

What happened, ALF?

Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's

and scared him away.

Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared.

Oh, the irony of it all.

Well, can't you make a run for it?

I take it you didn't see the end of "Butch Cassidy" either.

No, I didn't.

But you've got to do something, ALF.

They might storm the house.

Oh, yeah.

I've got hostages in here!

Think that'll hold them?

Or should I say that the hostages are nuns?

No nuns. None.

- I'm coming over. - Okay, but hurry!

I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period

if you catch my drift.

ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.

I know the feeling.

- I-I-I'm going over. - Me too.

No, you're, you're, you're staying here.

It's too dangerous.

Yeah, you might lose your cool

when the bullets start flyin'.

Bullets? There'll be bullets?

Jake, that is ridiculous.

Willie, be careful.

Oh, uh, I will.

By the way, how did "Butch Cassidy" end?

They were gunned down by the Bolivian army.

Yeah, it was really cool.

I can dig it.

[instrumental music]

(ALF) 'If any of you try to come in here'

you'll be eating more lead than a pencil sharpener.

He's bluffing. Use the battering ram.

We haven't got a battering ram.

Where are my tax dollars going?

Get back, lady.

They're probably going to Gary Hart.

You say you've got hostages.

How do we know they're alright?

(ALF) 'Just a second.'

How are you guys?

[imitating hostage] Fine. Great.

[imitating hostage] Glug. Couldn't be better.

There you have it.

Uh, Officer Griswald, uh, what's going on here?

Hey, Tanner, you finally called one right.

You mean, you've, you've got the burglar?

Well, not yet, but we got him surrounded.

You're not gonna go in there, are you?

Well, not as long as he's got hostages.

Hostages-schmostages, we're Americans.

We don't negotiate with terrorists, do we?

(in unison) No!

Maybe I ought to go in there.

Tanner, your job is over.

We'll handle this.

Listen, you in there.

If you refuse to negotiate

we're gonna have to use tear gas.

Yes! Tear gas! Tear gas!

(in unison) Tear gas. Tear gas. Tear gas.

'Tear gas. Tear gas. Tear gas.'

[TV switch clicks]

[animated film on TV]

Where's the graphic violence

and senseless mayhem when you need it?

[gunshots]

Oh, thank heavens for Sam Peckinpah.

- Everybody down. - He's got a gun!

So what?

He doesn't have a gun. Where would he get a gun?

Hey, don't think you're playing with a greenhorn.

'I've got enough powder in here'

'to blow up the Chrysler Building.'

Chrysler Building? That's 3000 miles away.

He must have a heck of a charge.

Medic, bring this man a brain.

Alright, in there, hold your fire.

Tell us what you want.

I don't want anything for myself

uh, but the hostages are hungry.

Right, guys?

[imitating hostage] You said it. Sure are.

[imitating hostage] Haven't had a thing since breakfast.

[imitating hostage] I'm famished.

(ALF) 'You hear that?'

'Uh, send us five pizzas and a cat.'

A cat?

(ALF) 'Cat? Who said a cat?'

- 'I did.' - 'You idiot.'

We've got a Satan worshiper in here!

Gaffney, get the pizzas.

Aww.

I got the food last week for the sniper.

Alright. Alright. Johnson.

Go get pizzas.

They like pepperoni. Probably.

Alright, we're getting the pizzas.

Relax.

It puts them off their guard.

Now we send for the SWAT team.

Alright. SWAT teams.

(in unison) SWAT teams. SWAT teams.

- No! - Get down. Down!

Let me go in there. I can help. I'm a social worker.

What are you gonna do? Give me a welfare check?

[chuckles]

I can reason with him.

I-I know I can, I've dealt with this type before

time and time and time again.

Sorry, Tanner.

We're leaving this for the SWAT team.

Excuse me then. I'm gonna make a phone call.

You ever kill a man with spatula?

[scoffs]

Wow! Another squad car.

ALF's busted for sure.

Oh, no.

Hey, if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

My dad's cellmate embroidered that on a pot holder.

Don't worry, Bri. ALF is not going to jail.

Though a short sentence might do him good.

Dad, is ALF gonna be alright?

Well, the house is surrounded.

There's a mob outside and the SWAT team's on its way.

You be the judge.

[telephone ringing]

Uh, the Ochmonek's aren't here

and if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now.

ALF, wait! Wait! It's me, it's Willie.

Prove it. What's your middle name?

Francis.

Francis?

[laughing]

Well, no wonder you never told me.

[ALF laughing over phone]

Alright, alright.

Sorry, Willie, I'm panicking.

Listen, ALF, there's a SWAT team on its way.

Well, that calmed me right down.

This is Doug Gould, Channel 6 news.

I'm reporting live from 169 Hemdale Avenue.

Doug Gould?

That blow-dried vulture?

This seemingly calm suburban street

is about to run red with blood.

[gasps]

Oh, wait, why am I worried?

My blood is green.

In this house, an undetermined number of hostages

are being held by a deranged gunman.

Who are you calling deranged

you video tapeworm?

With me now is Officer Izzy Griswald

who was the first policeman on the scene.

(ALF) 'Hey, copper, where are those pizzas?'

Officer Griswald what can you tell us about the hostages?

They're hungry.

Actually, we don't know who the hostages are

but we believe they're unharmed.

That's good news.

Except from a ratings standpoint.

[chuckles]

- Sir.. - Hmm?

The food is here.

Excuse me.

That was Officer Izzy Griswald

who is in charge of the operation, a..

And, uh, who might you be?

I'm Mrs. Byrd, Myrna Byrd, 148 Hemdale.

I'm Doug Gould.

Yes, I watch your show all the time.

Oh-ho, you know my work?

I know it and hate it.

We'll be back after this word from Arby's.

Now you were saying?

No need to elaborate!

Your reporting is nothing but thinly disguised sensationalism

marauding in the vestments of mock human interest

peppered with innuendo

and served with saccharin superciliousness

and a blatant disregard of substantive prima-tertia.

But you're awfully cute.

How about a one-night stand?

Think about it. I'm a widow.

It's gonna be a long night.

How come?

Is this the night we set the clocks back?

(ALF) 'Hey! What's going on out there?'

Some of us think we smell pizza.

Don't we, guys?

[imitating hostage] Yeah, smells like pizza to me.

[imitating hostage] Me too. I smell it.

[imitating hostage] Wish we had some.

Yeah, pizza just got here.

Come on out and get it.

(ALF) 'I'll be right out.'

No! No! Don't come out!

Shh!

Oh, yeah. Right.

Hey, we're not hungry anymore. Are we?

[imitating hostage] Not me. Couldn't eat a thing.

[imitating hostage] Wouldn't touch it. Me either.

Shut up!

Thanks for nothing, Tanner.

I can't believe you just did that.

I just.. I don't want anybody to get hurt.

I can't believe the pizza got here before the SWAT team.

You should try waiting for the coroner sometime.

I have.

You know, maybe this guy

just wants this publicity.

Maybe if we all just leave he'd let the hostages go.

Yeah, and maybe if we open the cell doors

the criminals would just walk in.

Oh, hey, but then, wouldn't the criminals

that are just already in there walk out?

Your parents are first cousins, aren't they?

(Trevor) 'Hey, what's everybody doing on my lawn?'

- Trevor, Raquel-- - What..

What's going on here?

Who are all these people?

Somebody beheaded my lawn Santa.

There's a burglar in your house.

Trevor, he's got a hostages.

Burglar? Hostages?

That's why I left New York.

Excuse me, are you the owners of this house?

Yeah, that's right. What..

Hey, are we on TV?

(ALF) 'Look at Trevor.'

The camera really does add 20 pounds.

(Raquel on TV) 'I don't know why they keep robbing us.'

'There's nothing left to steal.'

(Trevor on TV) 'Yeah, how come they never break into the Tanner's over there?'

'That place is ripe for the picking.'

'They've got a computer, telescope, a waterpik..

This is like watching the Home Shopping Network.

Wow! Look at Uncle Trevor!

The camera really does add 80 pounds.

(male #1 on TV) 'We'll continue live right after this message.'

The Ochmoneks are coming over.

Oh, ALF, hide in the kitchen.

I'm losing it.

I'm just so worried about him.

Hello, everybody.

Hey, did you see me on TV?

Yeah, you looked a little puffy.

Well, you know what they say.

TV adds about 140 pounds.

- No, not that much. - It's true.

Nell Carter is really the same size as Diana Ross!

Let's not talk about this now.

I-I'm so sorry that this is happening.

Do you believe our luck?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I told you, Raquel. It's kahma.

What's kahma?

When your lawn Santa is beheaded for no apparent reason.

Oh, you mean karma.

Why did you decide to come back?

I thought you were going to Tijuana.

Well, we were half way there, when we realized

that we'd left the door unlocked.

We didn't want anybody breaking in.

[chuckles] Now that point is moot.

What's moot?

Would somebody buy this kid a dictionary?

I hope they catch that burglar dead or alive.

Don't say that.

[telephone ringing]

Why is he so concerned with the criminal?

You taught him that, didn't you?

Hey, I've got better things to do than to corrupt him.

I'm tryin' to corrupt her.

Mom, it's for you.

Honey, who is it?

It's, uh...Hairy.

Hairy, who?

Hairy Melmacian.

Oh...right.

Make it quick, eh?

I wanna call my insurance agent.

Maybe it's not too late to get a homeowners policy.

Hello, Hairy.

Hi, Too-Much-Rouge.

So, how is it going?

Fine, I've met a lot of nice new people

who wanna kill me.

That's nice.

Oh, I'm glad you're taking it so well.

Uh, I-I really can't talk right now.

We have...company.

Oh, you invited people over.

Hey, hey, I wouldn't want you to stop living because I might.

We didn't invite them. They just dropped by.

Well, excuse us for being under siege.

Um..

Uh, Willie hasn't forgotten about you.

I'm sure we'll be seeing you soon.

Okay, Hairy?

Do I have the right number?

Yes. Goodbye.

[sighs]

Do I use too much rouge?

I always thought so.

[clears throat]

Sir, SWAT team will be here in five minutes.

What's taking 'em so long?

They stormed the wrong house by mistake.

Alright, in five minutes

this place is gonna be raining burglar.

- No. - Tanner, come back here.

- Fire at will! - No! No!

Hold your fire.

Sorry. I thought I was back in Nam.

Who are you?

Oh, Willie, Willie.

I'm so glad to see you.

It's okay, ALF.

It-it-it's okay.

What's your plan?

I-I don't have a plan.

There are enough people in here without a plan, right, guys?

[imitating hostage] You said it. Absolutely. We're sunk.

Don't do that for my benefit.

[imitating hostage] Sorry. Sorry. No problem.

Look, ALF, we've gotta do something.

Well, why don't you wrap me around your neck

and tell 'em I'm a fur stole.

Hey, hey, I'm not married to that idea.

[radio static]

Testing, testing.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you, Willie.

But this is no time to play block captain.

No, no, ALF. I've got it.

I've got an idea.

All we need, all we need is a place for you to hide.

[Jamaican accent] How about Jamaica, maan?

Give me a minute.

(Griswald on megaphone) 'This is your last chance.'

'Come out with your hands up.'

I'm telling you, coppers, you'll never take me alive.

Ha!

What a stupid threat?

Get in the hamper.

But Raquel's unmentionables are in there.

Just get in the hamper.

And keep making those silly demands on your walkie-talkie.

Forget it.

(Griswald on megaphone) 'If you don't surrender immediately'

'we are dispersing the tear gas.'

(all) Tear gas! Tear gas! Tear gas!

I'm getting in before they start to harmonize.

This is either gonna work or..

Well, let's not think about that.

Whoa! How bad does tear gas smell?

Get down.

Did I mention to you that I'm claustrophobic?

I am!

[sighs]

Oh.

Wait! Don't shoot!

He's-he's not here.

Hold your fire.

And I don't want to hear anything out of you, lady.

We're coming in.

Upstairs.

You see, the burglar's just not here.

He's got to be here.

We have the place surrounded.

[clears throat]

(ALF on radio) 'O-okay, uh..'

'...I'll now make a list of my demands.'

Everybody, down!

'I want a million dollars'

'a-and a DC-10 with those little bags of peanuts.'

'You know, the honey-roasted kind.'

The voice is coming from this walkie-talkie.

That's right. He's not in the house.

He's just been broadcasting his demands over the walkie-talkie.

He must have escaped before we got here.

(ALF) 'And for the in-flight meal, I want the filet mignon.'

[imitating hostage] 'I'll have chicken. I'll take the fish. Kosher for me.'

(ALF) 'Oy!'

Well, how did a goofball like this

come up with such a clever plan?

Oh, you really think it's clever?

No burglar, no hostages.

We did find a bunch of bank pens, though.

- Hmm. - Can I keep these?

Take them out to the car and log 'em as evidence.

Okay.

And I'll turn back the clock.

Alright, he's probably still in the area.

You guys search the neighborhood.

[sighs]

Oh and, Tanner..

...thanks for all your help.

- Oh. - You got a lot of guts.

You deserve to be block captain.

Thank you. Thank you, sir, and..

Now, goodbye.

I'll just, uh...tidy up.

[clicking tongue]

It's okay, ALF, you're safe now.

[ALF gasp]

[vase shattering]

Just blame that on the burglar.

Back down! I've got to carry you home now.

Hey, it's not like this hamper is Jamaica, maan.

- Get down, maan. - Oh.

Oh, hi, Trevor, Raquel.

What are you doing with our laundry?

Well, I-I thought I'd wash it.

It's the least I can do after all you've been through.

Thanks, Willie.

Alright, let's hear it for Willie Tanner !

(in unison) Willie! Willie! Willie!

Uh, uh, thank you. Uh, thank you.

(ALF) 'Psst. Willie, don't stop to sign any autographs, maan.'

I hear you, maan.

(in unison) Willie! Willie! Willie!

[instrumental music]

Hey, ALF, what are you doing?

I'm putting the finishing touches

on the ALF Home Security System.

Now, this place will be burglar proof.

[alarm wailing]

Wow!

ALF, turn it off!

Off?

[wailing continues]

[theme music]