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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:02,935 (ALF) On the last week on "ALF.." 2 00:00:02,937 --> 00:00:05,037 You called me horsemeat. 3 00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:07,106 And you won't let me eat cats. 4 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,008 You don't mind siting on plastic. 5 00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:10,476 And that's what makes it so funny. 6 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:13,045 You think I wake up looking this good? 7 00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:14,813 Try doing it naked. 8 00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:17,816 (ALF) Hold it. This isn't making any sense. 9 00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:20,452 Here's what happened when the neighbors were robbed. 10 00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,687 [intense music] 11 00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:26,625 Well, ALFer, it's up to you. 12 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:29,895 An alien's gotta do what an alien's gotta do. 13 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:32,998 When the going gets tough 14 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,067 the tough get going! 15 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,804 This guy's gonna be rice pudding. 16 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,139 Yeah. 17 00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,477 [intense music] 18 00:00:47,982 --> 00:00:49,214 Freeze! 19 00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:56,321 Don't you know what freeze means? 20 00:00:56,323 --> 00:00:58,190 (Griswald on megaphone) 'You in the house' 21 00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:01,326 'come out with your hands up.' 22 00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,162 Mommy! 23 00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,697 (ALF) And that's what happened last week. 24 00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,232 Did I miss anything? 25 00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,234 I was under the drier. 26 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:13,772 (ALF) Hey wait a minute they promised they wouldn't show that again. 27 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,575 [theme music] 28 00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:30,489 [no audio] 29 00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:36,528 [no audio] 30 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:42,701 [no audio] 31 00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:50,442 [no audio] 32 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,569 [instrumental music] 33 00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:18,737 [siren wailing] 34 00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:20,939 [tires screeching] 35 00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,709 Oh, no, the cops! Whatever it is I didn't do it. 36 00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:26,245 Take it easy, Jake. 37 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,180 I have a distinct feeling those sirens 38 00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:30,115 have something to do with ALF. 39 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:33,085 What is this false alarm number 27? 40 00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:34,486 [chuckles] 41 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,588 Who's turn is it to apologize to the police? 42 00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:40,993 Not me. They are not falling for my cute kid routine anymore. 43 00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:42,327 [phone ringing] 44 00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:45,130 Hello? 45 00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:46,532 Dad, it's ALF. 46 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:49,034 Would you tell him to come in here 47 00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,670 if he wants to talk to me? 48 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,039 Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here 49 00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:55,707 if you want to talk to him. 50 00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:59,511 He says that's gonna be a problem. 51 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,215 Hello, ALF. 52 00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,851 Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie! 53 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,719 What have I done? 54 00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,622 I don't know, ALF. What have you done? 55 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,125 Did you see "Dog Day Afternoon?" 56 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,562 Where are you? 57 00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,397 (Griswald on megaphone) 'The house is surrounded.' 58 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:20,799 'Come out with your hands up.' 59 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,168 Please hold. 60 00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,070 Uh, no dice! 61 00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,372 I'm armed, I'm dangerous 62 00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,441 and I'm off my medication. 63 00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:35,347 Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house! 64 00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,416 As you may have gathered, Willie 65 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,751 I'm in big trouble. 66 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:43,355 You're always in trouble. 67 00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,090 Yeah, but even on the ALF scale 68 00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,159 this one's a humdinger. 69 00:03:47,161 --> 00:03:49,261 I need help. 70 00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:50,996 What happened, ALF? 71 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:54,866 Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's 72 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,535 and scared him away. 73 00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:59,438 Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared. 74 00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:02,574 Oh, the irony of it all. 75 00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:05,577 Well, can't you make a run for it? 76 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:09,181 I take it you didn't see the end of "Butch Cassidy" either. 77 00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:12,117 No, I didn't. 78 00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,952 But you've got to do something, ALF. 79 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:16,188 They might storm the house. 80 00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:18,290 Oh, yeah. 81 00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,359 I've got hostages in here! 82 00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,362 Think that'll hold them? 83 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,697 Or should I say that the hostages are nuns? 84 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,600 No nuns. None. 85 00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:32,437 - I'm coming over. - Okay, but hurry! 86 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:35,207 I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period 87 00:04:35,209 --> 00:04:37,209 if you catch my drift. 88 00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:41,146 ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's. 89 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:43,215 I know the feeling. 90 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:47,085 - I-I-I'm going over. - Me too. 91 00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,054 No, you're, you're, you're staying here. 92 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,222 It's too dangerous. 93 00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:51,490 Yeah, you might lose your cool 94 00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,625 when the bullets start flyin'. 95 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,161 Bullets? There'll be bullets? 96 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,997 Jake, that is ridiculous. 97 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,899 Willie, be careful. 98 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,868 Oh, uh, I will. 99 00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:07,005 By the way, how did "Butch Cassidy" end? 100 00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,009 They were gunned down by the Bolivian army. 101 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,844 Yeah, it was really cool. 102 00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:16,248 I can dig it. 103 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:22,254 [instrumental music] 104 00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,157 (ALF) 'If any of you try to come in here' 105 00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:28,694 you'll be eating more lead than a pencil sharpener. 106 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:30,595 He's bluffing. Use the battering ram. 107 00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:33,665 We haven't got a battering ram. 108 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,300 Where are my tax dollars going? 109 00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:36,868 Get back, lady. 110 00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,438 They're probably going to Gary Hart. 111 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,606 You say you've got hostages. 112 00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:43,642 How do we know they're alright? 113 00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:45,344 (ALF) 'Just a second.' 114 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,346 How are you guys? 115 00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:48,780 [imitating hostage] Fine. Great. 116 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,682 [imitating hostage] Glug. Couldn't be better. 117 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,853 There you have it. 118 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,489 Uh, Officer Griswald, uh, what's going on here? 119 00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:59,891 Hey, Tanner, you finally called one right. 120 00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,560 You mean, you've, you've got the burglar? 121 00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:03,395 Well, not yet, but we got him surrounded. 122 00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:04,796 You're not gonna go in there, are you? 123 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,898 Well, not as long as he's got hostages. 124 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,900 Hostages-schmostages, we're Americans. 125 00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,669 We don't negotiate with terrorists, do we? 126 00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:12,637 (in unison) No! 127 00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,406 Maybe I ought to go in there. 128 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,975 Tanner, your job is over. 129 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,577 We'll handle this. 130 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,512 Listen, you in there. 131 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,547 If you refuse to negotiate 132 00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,050 we're gonna have to use tear gas. 133 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,586 Yes! Tear gas! Tear gas! 134 00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:30,422 (in unison) Tear gas. Tear gas. Tear gas. 135 00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:33,592 'Tear gas. Tear gas. Tear gas.' 136 00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:36,928 [TV switch clicks] 137 00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:39,598 [animated film on TV] 138 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:40,999 Where's the graphic violence 139 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,735 and senseless mayhem when you need it? 140 00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,471 [gunshots] 141 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:51,343 Oh, thank heavens for Sam Peckinpah. 142 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,379 - Everybody down. - He's got a gun! 143 00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:55,814 So what? 144 00:06:57,117 --> 00:07:00,285 He doesn't have a gun. Where would he get a gun? 145 00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:04,122 Hey, don't think you're playing with a greenhorn. 146 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,690 'I've got enough powder in here' 147 00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:08,427 'to blow up the Chrysler Building.' 148 00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:11,463 Chrysler Building? That's 3000 miles away. 149 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:14,232 He must have a heck of a charge. 150 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,535 Medic, bring this man a brain. 151 00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:20,205 Alright, in there, hold your fire. 152 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,474 Tell us what you want. 153 00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:25,377 I don't want anything for myself 154 00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:28,113 uh, but the hostages are hungry. 155 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,614 Right, guys? 156 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,316 [imitating hostage] You said it. Sure are. 157 00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:32,818 [imitating hostage] Haven't had a thing since breakfast. 158 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,386 [imitating hostage] I'm famished. 159 00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:36,655 (ALF) 'You hear that?' 160 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:40,058 'Uh, send us five pizzas and a cat.' 161 00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:43,295 A cat? 162 00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,230 (ALF) 'Cat? Who said a cat?' 163 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,399 - 'I did.' - 'You idiot.' 164 00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,836 We've got a Satan worshiper in here! 165 00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:58,009 Gaffney, get the pizzas. 166 00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,411 Aww. 167 00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:01,913 I got the food last week for the sniper. 168 00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:06,017 Alright. Alright. Johnson. 169 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,652 Go get pizzas. 170 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,856 They like pepperoni. Probably. 171 00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:15,494 Alright, we're getting the pizzas. 172 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,596 Relax. 173 00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:21,433 It puts them off their guard. 174 00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:24,135 Now we send for the SWAT team. 175 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:25,871 Alright. SWAT teams. 176 00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,539 (in unison) SWAT teams. SWAT teams. 177 00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:30,375 - No! - Get down. Down! 178 00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:33,111 Let me go in there. I can help. I'm a social worker. 179 00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,213 What are you gonna do? Give me a welfare check? 180 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,615 [chuckles] 181 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,851 I can reason with him. 182 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,721 I-I know I can, I've dealt with this type before 183 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:46,525 time and time and time again. 184 00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,394 Sorry, Tanner. 185 00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:52,130 We're leaving this for the SWAT team. 186 00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,799 Excuse me then. I'm gonna make a phone call. 187 00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,472 You ever kill a man with spatula? 188 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,141 [scoffs] 189 00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:06,211 Wow! Another squad car. 190 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,480 ALF's busted for sure. 191 00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,415 Oh, no. 192 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:13,218 Hey, if you can't do the time, don't do the crime. 193 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,954 My dad's cellmate embroidered that on a pot holder. 194 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:20,725 Don't worry, Bri. ALF is not going to jail. 195 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,162 Though a short sentence might do him good. 196 00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:29,434 Dad, is ALF gonna be alright? 197 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,436 Well, the house is surrounded. 198 00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:34,239 There's a mob outside and the SWAT team's on its way. 199 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,074 You be the judge. 200 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,275 [telephone ringing] 201 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,910 Uh, the Ochmonek's aren't here 202 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,780 and if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now. 203 00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:44,549 ALF, wait! Wait! It's me, it's Willie. 204 00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:47,152 Prove it. What's your middle name? 205 00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:50,789 Francis. 206 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:51,923 Francis? 207 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,091 [laughing] 208 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,560 Well, no wonder you never told me. 209 00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,629 [ALF laughing over phone] 210 00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,798 Alright, alright. 211 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,867 Sorry, Willie, I'm panicking. 212 00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:06,204 Listen, ALF, there's a SWAT team on its way. 213 00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,975 Well, that calmed me right down. 214 00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,916 This is Doug Gould, Channel 6 news. 215 00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:21,152 I'm reporting live from 169 Hemdale Avenue. 216 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,121 Doug Gould? 217 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,956 That blow-dried vulture? 218 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,660 This seemingly calm suburban street 219 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,962 is about to run red with blood. 220 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,063 [gasps] 221 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,433 Oh, wait, why am I worried? 222 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,168 My blood is green. 223 00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:41,506 In this house, an undetermined number of hostages 224 00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:44,309 are being held by a deranged gunman. 225 00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,144 Who are you calling deranged 226 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,213 you video tapeworm? 227 00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:52,851 With me now is Officer Izzy Griswald 228 00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,787 who was the first policeman on the scene. 229 00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,690 (ALF) 'Hey, copper, where are those pizzas?' 230 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,595 Officer Griswald what can you tell us about the hostages? 231 00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:06,665 They're hungry. 232 00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,969 Actually, we don't know who the hostages are 233 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:13,371 but we believe they're unharmed. 234 00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,606 That's good news. 235 00:11:14,608 --> 00:11:16,708 Except from a ratings standpoint. 236 00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,043 [chuckles] 237 00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:22,247 - Sir.. - Hmm? 238 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,621 The food is here. 239 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,857 Excuse me. 240 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:35,527 That was Officer Izzy Griswald 241 00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:39,397 who is in charge of the operation, a.. 242 00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,366 And, uh, who might you be? 243 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,569 I'm Mrs. Byrd, Myrna Byrd, 148 Hemdale. 244 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:45,904 I'm Doug Gould. 245 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,472 Yes, I watch your show all the time. 246 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:49,240 Oh-ho, you know my work? 247 00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,176 I know it and hate it. 248 00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:53,878 We'll be back after this word from Arby's. 249 00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:58,416 Now you were saying? 250 00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,085 No need to elaborate! 251 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,088 Your reporting is nothing but thinly disguised sensationalism 252 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,690 marauding in the vestments of mock human interest 253 00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,092 peppered with innuendo 254 00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:09,094 and served with saccharin superciliousness 255 00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:12,864 and a blatant disregard of substantive prima-tertia. 256 00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,032 But you're awfully cute. 257 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,735 How about a one-night stand? 258 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,237 Think about it. I'm a widow. 259 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,409 It's gonna be a long night. 260 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:25,777 How come? 261 00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:27,779 Is this the night we set the clocks back? 262 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,351 (ALF) 'Hey! What's going on out there?' 263 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,787 Some of us think we smell pizza. 264 00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,288 Don't we, guys? 265 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,257 [imitating hostage] Yeah, smells like pizza to me. 266 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,025 [imitating hostage] Me too. I smell it. 267 00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:43,027 [imitating hostage] Wish we had some. 268 00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,631 Yeah, pizza just got here. 269 00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:47,966 Come on out and get it. 270 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:49,534 (ALF) 'I'll be right out.' 271 00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:50,635 No! No! Don't come out! 272 00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:51,803 Shh! 273 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:53,738 Oh, yeah. Right. 274 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:57,909 Hey, we're not hungry anymore. Are we? 275 00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,544 [imitating hostage] Not me. Couldn't eat a thing. 276 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:02,046 [imitating hostage] Wouldn't touch it. Me either. 277 00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:04,649 Shut up! 278 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,151 Thanks for nothing, Tanner. 279 00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,419 I can't believe you just did that. 280 00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:12,824 I just.. I don't want anybody to get hurt. 281 00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:15,493 I can't believe the pizza got here before the SWAT team. 282 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,296 You should try waiting for the coroner sometime. 283 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,464 I have. 284 00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,901 You know, maybe this guy 285 00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:25,436 just wants this publicity. 286 00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:29,274 Maybe if we all just leave he'd let the hostages go. 287 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:32,010 Yeah, and maybe if we open the cell doors 288 00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,511 the criminals would just walk in. 289 00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,847 Oh, hey, but then, wouldn't the criminals 290 00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:38,750 that are just already in there walk out? 291 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,520 Your parents are first cousins, aren't they? 292 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,958 (Trevor) 'Hey, what's everybody doing on my lawn?' 293 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,026 - Trevor, Raquel-- - What.. 294 00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:49,627 What's going on here? 295 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:50,962 Who are all these people? 296 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:53,932 Somebody beheaded my lawn Santa. 297 00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,533 There's a burglar in your house. 298 00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:57,035 Trevor, he's got a hostages. 299 00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,003 Burglar? Hostages? 300 00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,005 That's why I left New York. 301 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,541 Excuse me, are you the owners of this house? 302 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,677 Yeah, that's right. What.. 303 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,879 Hey, are we on TV? 304 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,049 (ALF) 'Look at Trevor.' 305 00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:13,918 The camera really does add 20 pounds. 306 00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:17,055 (Raquel on TV) 'I don't know why they keep robbing us.' 307 00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,890 'There's nothing left to steal.' 308 00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:22,193 (Trevor on TV) 'Yeah, how come they never break into the Tanner's over there?' 309 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,295 'That place is ripe for the picking.' 310 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:27,799 'They've got a computer, telescope, a waterpik.. 311 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,970 This is like watching the Home Shopping Network. 312 00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,405 Wow! Look at Uncle Trevor! 313 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:37,408 The camera really does add 80 pounds. 314 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:41,012 (male #1 on TV) 'We'll continue live right after this message.' 315 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,814 The Ochmoneks are coming over. 316 00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:44,949 Oh, ALF, hide in the kitchen. 317 00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:47,986 I'm losing it. 318 00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:50,021 I'm just so worried about him. 319 00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,890 Hello, everybody. 320 00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,224 Hey, did you see me on TV? 321 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,927 Yeah, you looked a little puffy. 322 00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,495 Well, you know what they say. 323 00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,931 TV adds about 140 pounds. 324 00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:02,100 - No, not that much. - It's true. 325 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:05,904 Nell Carter is really the same size as Diana Ross! 326 00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,939 Let's not talk about this now. 327 00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:11,376 I-I'm so sorry that this is happening. 328 00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:13,044 Do you believe our luck? 329 00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:16,614 Why do bad things happen to good people? 330 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,516 I told you, Raquel. It's kahma. 331 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:19,951 What's kahma? 332 00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:22,954 When your lawn Santa is beheaded for no apparent reason. 333 00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:25,256 Oh, you mean karma. 334 00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:27,926 Why did you decide to come back? 335 00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,460 I thought you were going to Tijuana. 336 00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:31,429 Well, we were half way there, when we realized 337 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:32,964 that we'd left the door unlocked. 338 00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:35,633 We didn't want anybody breaking in. 339 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,802 [chuckles] Now that point is moot. 340 00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:39,137 What's moot? 341 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,439 Would somebody buy this kid a dictionary? 342 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:44,642 I hope they catch that burglar dead or alive. 343 00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:46,411 Don't say that. 344 00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,478 [telephone ringing] 345 00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,983 Why is he so concerned with the criminal? 346 00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:53,651 You taught him that, didn't you? 347 00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:57,155 Hey, I've got better things to do than to corrupt him. 348 00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:59,223 I'm tryin' to corrupt her. 349 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,060 Mom, it's for you. 350 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,561 Honey, who is it? 351 00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,496 It's, uh...Hairy. 352 00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:07,832 Hairy, who? 353 00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,468 Hairy Melmacian. 354 00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:13,972 Oh...right. 355 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,810 Make it quick, eh? 356 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,445 I wanna call my insurance agent. 357 00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:23,247 Maybe it's not too late to get a homeowners policy. 358 00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:27,185 Hello, Hairy. 359 00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,921 Hi, Too-Much-Rouge. 360 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,591 So, how is it going? 361 00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:36,694 Fine, I've met a lot of nice new people 362 00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,429 who wanna kill me. 363 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,366 That's nice. 364 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:44,369 Oh, I'm glad you're taking it so well. 365 00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:46,137 Uh, I-I really can't talk right now. 366 00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,039 We have...company. 367 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:50,508 Oh, you invited people over. 368 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:54,512 Hey, hey, I wouldn't want you to stop living because I might. 369 00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:58,182 We didn't invite them. They just dropped by. 370 00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:02,286 Well, excuse us for being under siege. 371 00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,189 Um.. 372 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,858 Uh, Willie hasn't forgotten about you. 373 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,559 I'm sure we'll be seeing you soon. 374 00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:09,994 Okay, Hairy? 375 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,729 Do I have the right number? 376 00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,965 Yes. Goodbye. 377 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:16,467 [sighs] 378 00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:20,071 Do I use too much rouge? 379 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,306 I always thought so. 380 00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,143 [clears throat] 381 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,912 Sir, SWAT team will be here in five minutes. 382 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:29,313 What's taking 'em so long? 383 00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:31,549 They stormed the wrong house by mistake. 384 00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,086 Alright, in five minutes 385 00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:37,355 this place is gonna be raining burglar. 386 00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:39,257 - No. - Tanner, come back here. 387 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,426 - Fire at will! - No! No! 388 00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,761 Hold your fire. 389 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:46,164 Sorry. I thought I was back in Nam. 390 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,333 Who are you? 391 00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:56,074 Oh, Willie, Willie. 392 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,409 I'm so glad to see you. 393 00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:00,678 It's okay, ALF. 394 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,680 It-it-it's okay. 395 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,682 What's your plan? 396 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,918 I-I don't have a plan. 397 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:10,388 There are enough people in here without a plan, right, guys? 398 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:14,058 [imitating hostage] You said it. Absolutely. We're sunk. 399 00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:17,462 Don't do that for my benefit. 400 00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:20,965 [imitating hostage] Sorry. Sorry. No problem. 401 00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:24,068 Look, ALF, we've gotta do something. 402 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:26,304 Well, why don't you wrap me around your neck 403 00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,106 and tell 'em I'm a fur stole. 404 00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:31,709 Hey, hey, I'm not married to that idea. 405 00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,712 [radio static] 406 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:35,880 Testing, testing. 407 00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:37,115 Can you hear me? 408 00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:38,783 Yeah, I can hear you, Willie. 409 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:42,220 But this is no time to play block captain. 410 00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:45,923 No, no, ALF. I've got it. 411 00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,658 I've got an idea. 412 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:52,296 All we need, all we need is a place for you to hide. 413 00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:55,333 [Jamaican accent] How about Jamaica, maan? 414 00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:57,835 Give me a minute. 415 00:18:59,405 --> 00:19:01,439 (Griswald on megaphone) 'This is your last chance.' 416 00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,941 'Come out with your hands up.' 417 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:07,778 I'm telling you, coppers, you'll never take me alive. 418 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:08,846 Ha! 419 00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,483 What a stupid threat? 420 00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,422 Get in the hamper. 421 00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:21,692 But Raquel's unmentionables are in there. 422 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,661 Just get in the hamper. 423 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:27,098 And keep making those silly demands on your walkie-talkie. 424 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,600 Forget it. 425 00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:32,303 (Griswald on megaphone) 'If you don't surrender immediately' 426 00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:35,273 'we are dispersing the tear gas.' 427 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:38,409 (all) Tear gas! Tear gas! Tear gas! 428 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:42,246 I'm getting in before they start to harmonize. 429 00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:49,353 This is either gonna work or.. 430 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,689 Well, let's not think about that. 431 00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:56,894 Whoa! How bad does tear gas smell? 432 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,396 Get down. 433 00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:01,799 Did I mention to you that I'm claustrophobic? 434 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,201 I am! 435 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:09,574 [sighs] 436 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,145 Oh. 437 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,417 Wait! Don't shoot! 438 00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:21,319 He's-he's not here. 439 00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,920 Hold your fire. 440 00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:25,923 And I don't want to hear anything out of you, lady. 441 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,658 We're coming in. 442 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,234 Upstairs. 443 00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:40,204 You see, the burglar's just not here. 444 00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,206 He's got to be here. 445 00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,208 We have the place surrounded. 446 00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:45,343 [clears throat] 447 00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:46,677 (ALF on radio) 'O-okay, uh..' 448 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,913 '...I'll now make a list of my demands.' 449 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,181 Everybody, down! 450 00:20:50,183 --> 00:20:52,049 'I want a million dollars' 451 00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:55,519 'a-and a DC-10 with those little bags of peanuts.' 452 00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:57,622 'You know, the honey-roasted kind.' 453 00:20:57,624 --> 00:21:00,124 The voice is coming from this walkie-talkie. 454 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:02,293 That's right. He's not in the house. 455 00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:06,297 He's just been broadcasting his demands over the walkie-talkie. 456 00:21:06,299 --> 00:21:08,633 He must have escaped before we got here. 457 00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:12,069 (ALF) 'And for the in-flight meal, I want the filet mignon.' 458 00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:16,207 [imitating hostage] 'I'll have chicken. I'll take the fish. Kosher for me.' 459 00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:17,608 (ALF) 'Oy!' 460 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,279 Well, how did a goofball like this 461 00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,714 come up with such a clever plan? 462 00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:25,783 Oh, you really think it's clever? 463 00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:29,920 No burglar, no hostages. 464 00:21:29,922 --> 00:21:31,756 We did find a bunch of bank pens, though. 465 00:21:31,758 --> 00:21:34,625 - Hmm. - Can I keep these? 466 00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:37,161 Take them out to the car and log 'em as evidence. 467 00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:38,629 Okay. 468 00:21:39,966 --> 00:21:41,832 And I'll turn back the clock. 469 00:21:44,771 --> 00:21:46,337 Alright, he's probably still in the area. 470 00:21:46,339 --> 00:21:48,406 You guys search the neighborhood. 471 00:21:50,677 --> 00:21:52,743 [sighs] 472 00:21:54,013 --> 00:21:55,346 Oh and, Tanner.. 473 00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:57,682 ...thanks for all your help. 474 00:21:57,684 --> 00:22:00,685 - Oh. - You got a lot of guts. 475 00:22:00,687 --> 00:22:03,354 You deserve to be block captain. 476 00:22:03,356 --> 00:22:05,690 Thank you. Thank you, sir, and.. 477 00:22:05,692 --> 00:22:07,325 Now, goodbye. 478 00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:10,428 I'll just, uh...tidy up. 479 00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:12,563 [clicking tongue] 480 00:22:14,534 --> 00:22:16,300 It's okay, ALF, you're safe now. 481 00:22:16,302 --> 00:22:17,835 [ALF gasp] 482 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,603 [vase shattering] 483 00:22:19,605 --> 00:22:22,039 Just blame that on the burglar. 484 00:22:22,041 --> 00:22:25,009 Back down! I've got to carry you home now. 485 00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:29,013 Hey, it's not like this hamper is Jamaica, maan. 486 00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,282 - Get down, maan. - Oh. 487 00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:36,954 Oh, hi, Trevor, Raquel. 488 00:22:36,956 --> 00:22:38,989 What are you doing with our laundry? 489 00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:42,560 Well, I-I thought I'd wash it. 490 00:22:42,562 --> 00:22:46,030 It's the least I can do after all you've been through. 491 00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:47,531 Thanks, Willie. 492 00:22:47,533 --> 00:22:50,534 Alright, let's hear it for Willie Tanner ! 493 00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:53,371 (in unison) Willie! Willie! Willie! 494 00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:56,006 Uh, uh, thank you. Uh, thank you. 495 00:22:56,008 --> 00:22:59,977 (ALF) 'Psst. Willie, don't stop to sign any autographs, maan.' 496 00:22:59,979 --> 00:23:01,746 I hear you, maan. 497 00:23:03,549 --> 00:23:05,716 (in unison) Willie! Willie! Willie! 498 00:23:08,921 --> 00:23:10,955 [instrumental music] 499 00:23:14,260 --> 00:23:15,760 Hey, ALF, what are you doing? 500 00:23:15,762 --> 00:23:17,728 I'm putting the finishing touches 501 00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:20,865 on the ALF Home Security System. 502 00:23:20,867 --> 00:23:23,334 Now, this place will be burglar proof. 503 00:23:23,336 --> 00:23:25,503 [alarm wailing] 504 00:23:27,707 --> 00:23:29,006 Wow! 505 00:23:31,577 --> 00:23:34,078 ALF, turn it off! 506 00:23:35,848 --> 00:23:37,114 Off? 507 00:23:37,116 --> 00:23:39,850 [wailing continues] 508 00:23:43,456 --> 00:23:46,457 [theme music] 39634

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