Original subtitles

[clearing throat]

It's a movie.

Two words.

"The Jerk."

- "The Birds." - Aah!

- You got it, Bri! - No fair!

You were giving him hand signals

to help him guess.

ALF, that's how you play charades.

Oh. Well, let me try, let me try.

Alright, uh..

- It's a movie. - Mm-hm.

Uh.

Uh, y-you, it's about you.

"The Brother From Another Planet?"

- "Hair." - No, no.

You're all wrong.

It's, "The Man Who Would Be King."

- Oh, please! - Oh, ALF.

I know, you're kicking yourselves

because it's so obvious.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[doorbell rings]

ALF, hide in the kitchen.

You know, if you weren't always sending me to the kitchen

I might not eat so much.

ALF, please, please.

No wonder Willie's pants don't fit me anymore.

- Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate. - Hi, guys.

And other residents of the Tanner manor.

Hi, Trevor, Raquel.

And who might this be?

Uh, this is Jake, my brother Cyril's kid.

These are the Tanners.

- How do you do? - Well, hi, Jake.

- Hi. - Hi, Jake.

Yeah.

Uh, Jake just flew in from New York.

He'll be staying with us while his father's away.

- Oh, how long will that be? - Five years.

Unless he gets time off for good behavior.

Oh, uh, everybody sit down.

Uh, let me go get some ice tea.

Oh, please, let me help.

After all, I am a mother now.

That's okay. I think, I can handle it.

Fine! Hog the limelight.

A-alright, Raquel.

Oh! Uh, give me just a minute.

There's uh..

...a big bug in there I don't want you to see.

Hmm.

ALF, ALF, you've got to get out of here.

I know, I know.

There's a big bug in here.

There's no bug. I just said that to fool Raquel.

You expect her to fall for that?

- You did. - Well, I'm naive.

Please, ALF, you'll have to leave.

I just got here.

Isn't that a rattlesnake under the sink?

[gasps]

I'm gone.

You can come in, Raquel.

[coughing]

Oh, that bug never stood a chance.

What do you think of Jake?

Well, I just met him.

He seems, um..

...quiet.

Well, Brian doesn't say much

and you don't see me making a stink.

Raquel.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so excited.

I have always wanted a child

but Trevor wanted to go for his masters

in art history.

Now, that I have a child

I'm just nervous, I'm so nervous.

Oh, well, don't you worry. Children can be difficult.

But at least they don't shed in the milk.

My, I haven't heard that old cliche in years.

Well, if you need any advice, Raquel, I'm right here.

Well, I do have a few questions.

"Is Jake old enough to date? Should he get an allowance?"

"When do I send him to bed?"

Well, Brian is a little bit younger

but I send him to bed at 8:00.

So you think.

His light stays on till 8:30.

And Lynn's doesn't go off until 11:00 or even later.

So I've heard.

So, Jake, I guess we'll be going

to the same school.

Till I drop out.

You're dropping out?

When I'm sixteen, in one year, three months and eighteen days.

Aah, geez.

Boy, you're lucky.

I've got eight years two months and four days.

Oh, is Jake helping Brian with his math?

Not exactly.

Willie, can we talk in private?

Sure, we can go in to the laundry room?

No! Uh..

There's laundry in there.

Well, the bedroom, then no one can hear us in there.

Raquel can.

Alright. Hold still, Lucky.

I'll be off your back in a minute.

[Lucky yowls] Whoa!

[grunts]

The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.

[grunts]

(Trevor) 'Ow! Right in the navel.'

I-I'm sorry, Trevor.

You-you can't come in just at the moment.

- ALF, hide. Get out. - I'm not even in yet.

Trevor's waiting right outside.

First, promise me you'll build me a room of my own.

Hide now..

...or else..

Wasn't that a Chuck Norris film?

"Gangway."

[Lucky yowls] Oh!

[Lucky yowling]

Why'd you slam the door on me?

- Well, I, uh-- - Now, don't tell me.

Someone didn't make his bed this morning?

Caught in the act.

Uh, Trevor, what did you, uh

what did you want to talk about?

Jake.

I don't know, what I'm gonna do with that kid.

H-he talks back, he disobeys.

And I think he stole a bag of peat moss

from our living room.

Why would you have a bag of peat moss

in your living room?

To keep people from stealing it.

Well, obviously.

Uh, don't you think

you should have a talk with Jake?

Look, Willie, I gotta be honest.

I'm no good with kids.

All I ever raised was tomatoes.

And without my peat moss, I can't even do that.

Well, do you want me to try to talk to him?

Would you?

Maybe you can get a handle on him.

He's a smart kid.

After all, he's an Ochmonek.

Say no more.

I just want Jake to turn out okay.

He will.

I'm sure, he will as long as he gets the love

and the guidance that he needs.

Aw, that's pretty.

I, I just don't want Jake to wind up in jail

like his father.

Or his brother. Or his cousin Victor.

So, Jake, I see, you've made a little friend.

Little friend? She's a beanpole.

You should see me in heels, shrimpo.

- Well, you guys having fun? - Are you kiddin'?

Your daughter's gonna put on heels for me in a minute.

Uh, Trevor, I think we should be going now.

Yeah, we've about exhausted the idle chit chat.

Well, Jake, uh, why don't you come back

over tonight after supper.

You can have some cake with us.

Just have Stretch bring it over.

You wanna pop out of it for me?

You wanna live long enough to drop out of school?

- Let's go. - Yes, goodbye, everybody.

- So long, Jake. - Sure, peewee.

Who you calling peewee?

- You. - Just asking.

Come on.

See you, Willie.

Brian.

Don't ever change.

Well, that Jake really grows on you, doesn't he?

Not on me.

Don't you think he's a little rude?

[burps]

Not particularly.

[instrumental music]

(ALF) 'Cake! Cake! Cake!'

Cake! Cake! Cake!

Cake! Cake! Cake!

- Cake! - We're saving it for Jake.

Okay.

He's not coming. Let's eat.

He'll be here, ALF.

- He'll be here. - Are you kidding?

The kid's probably going up the river as we speak.

They'll put him in solitary.

Feed him bread and water.

Topped by a delicious piece of chocolate..

...cake.

Look, Jake may have some problems

but he's not going to be sent to prison.

Yeah? Tell that to my cousin.

Pretty boy Shumway.

He grew up on the south side of Melmac.

The baddest part of the planet.

If he didn't like your shoes..

[imitating gunfire]

You mean, he'd shoot a person

just because he didn't like his shoes?

No, he'd just point at them and go

eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.

Mr. Ochmonek just called, he said Jake won't come over.

Well, I didn't hear the phone.

Oh, oh, he just hollered through my window.

Alright! Let's eat.

Would you like some cake?

Yeah!

[instrumental music]

[doorknob rattles]

[clattering]

[Lucky mewing]

[ALF humming]

¶ Billie Jean is not my lover ¶

¶ She's just a girl ¶

¶ Who says that I am the one yeah ¶

¶ But the kid is not my son ¶¶

Ooh! Yeah.

[ALF humming]

[static]

Come in, Scotland!

Come in, Scotland!

Is this Scotland?

[static]

(male #1) 'Aye, it is.'

Hey, Scotty, beam me up!

[laughs]

Oh, I kill me!

(Scotty) 'Oh, hi, Alf. Good to hear you, lad!'

How'd you know it was me?

(Scotty) 'Because you always start with the same corny joke.'

'Listen, I've just learned a new Madonna song.

'"Papa don't Preach!"'

[off-key bagpipe music]

Um, uh, Scotty, uh, let me adjust

the volume just a little bit, okay?

If I lose you, we'll talk in a few days! Okay, bye!

Ha!

Well, I'm hungry.

Maybe I'll call Turkey.

Hey!

[stuttering] You...stay!

Drop that telescope!

[clangs]

On second thought...don't.

Get away from me. Just stay away from me.

Wait! You can't leave.

They'll think I broke the telescope.

Okay. Okay, I'll fix it.

Just don't bite me.

Bite ya?

That's a good idea.

I'll bite you if you don't fix this.

Al-alright!

Just don't tell my aunt and uncle I was takin' it.

On one condition.

You fix this telescope

and you don't tell anyone about me.

That's two conditions.

[snarling]

Alright! You've-you've got a deal.

What are ya, anyway?

I'm an alien. From the planet Melmac.

I have powers you can only dream of.

Like what?

I could watch ten hours of TV

without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.

You are the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

You ought to see me with my hair wet.

Do the Tanners know about ya?

Yeah, they know all about me.

Well..

They don't know that I've had liposuction.

Where'd you learn how to fix telescopes like that?

Caltech?

No, m-my dad taught me.

We used to find things in the trash

and then fix 'em.

My dad could fix anything.

Especially horse races.

Wild guess.

That's why he's in jail?

[sighs]

Yeah.

Well, uh.. I'm done.

Wow! Well, you're good!

And fast!

Uh, it's no big deal.

No big deal?

On Melmac we only had one guy

who knew how to fix things.

They put him on display in a zoo.

But the door to the cage was broken

so he walked away.

Uh, good story.

- Is it okay if I go now? - Yeah.

Yeah, but remember our deal!

You can't tell anyone about me.

Hey, don't worry. I live by the Ochmonek code.

We don't squeal..

...or tip.

Name's ALF.

J-Jake.

- Bye. - Bye.

[snarling]

I still got it.

[instrumental music]

And Magic runs down!

Oh, man!

Takes one!

And a three, two, one!

Jake, what are you doing?

That's my Aunt Ruth!

Don't worry, I poured her into the Dixie cup over there.

[laughs]

Uh, Auntie Raquel, you should get to the bedroom.

I heard Uncle Trevor singing "That's Amore."

That's strange.

He usually just sets the egg timer.

Trevor! Trevor, wait for me!

What are you doin' here?

I brought over few things for you to fix.

Here's a tape recorder. It's got fur stuck in it.

I don't know how that happened.

What happened to this?

I tried to puree a rock.

It didn't work.

(Raquel) 'Jake?'

'Are you talking to someone?'

No, it's just the TV!

Uh, uh, Welcome to "Monday Night Football!"

ALF! It's Saturday!

Uh, uh.. Live from New York!

- It's "Saturday--" - Uh, I'm shuttin' it off!

Click!

So, uh.. Can you fix all this stuff?

Hey, my motto is if I can't fix it, it ain't broken.

My motto is..

...I broke it.

My dad's motto is "I broke into it."

Ha! Ha! Hey, hey!

You're pretty funny for a delinquent.

Ah! I love this male bonding.

What do you say we go out back and throw a cat on the Barbie?

Just a thought.

[instrumental music]

Dad?

Do you think these boots would look good

with my blue jump suit?

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

I was planning to wear that jumpsuit on my birthday.

Is it that time of year already?

¶ Lynn wants boots for her birthday ¶

¶ Lynn wants boots for her birthday! ¶¶

Alf, I was trying to be discreet.

Oh.

Say, Willie, wouldn't a pizza look good on my tongue

right about now?

[knock on door]

- Go! - You can't tell me what to do.

Order your pizza.

Yes, sir!

(Trevor) 'Hey, Tanner, let me in, would you? I-I lost my key!'

- I'll get it! - He has a key?

- Hi, Lynn. - Hi.

Willie, is this your tape recorder?

Well, gee, I'm not sure.

(Alf on tape recorder) 'I'm tellin' you, my sister's so fat'

'she gets her legs waxed at the car wash!'

'Ha! Ha!'

- He-he-he. - Yes, uh, that's ours.

Who's the comedian?

You ever heard of..

...Jay Leno?

No.

It's Jay Leno.

I found this in Jake's room.

I told you the kid was a crook.

- I was fixin' it! - He's a liar, too.

Your father would be so ashamed.

It's a good thing he's in jail.

Psst. Psst.

Jake, uh, I don't know what to say.

- Pssst! - W-w..

W-whatever made you do such a thing?

[groans]

Could..

Could you excuse me, just for a moment?

Hey! I invented a new sport.

Biscuit ball.

What do you want?

You're wrong about Jake.

He's a good kid.

He stole our tape recorder.

He was fixing it.

He can fix anything.

How do you know so much about Jake?

Has he seen you?

- Yeah. - Oh.

But he won't tell anyone, Willie.

Besides, he's a hoodlum. Who'd believe him?

Well, Trevor, for one!

No. Jake won't tell Trevor.

I physically intimidated him.

[scoffs]

You?

[snarling]

Don't do that. Don't!

Oh, stop it.

What do you mean, he can fix anything?

- Look at the coffee maker. - The..

[snarling]

Well, what happened to the Jell-O?

Jake cleaned it all out!

So much for my "Mr. Jell-O" machine.

You stay here.

[snarling]

Uh, Jake.

Uh, looks like I owe you an apology.

Apology?

That biscuit cause brain damage?

Trevor..

It seems that he really was fixing the tape recorder.

I just found out from--

- Mom. - Right.

Bet you feel like a real jerk, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, listen, kid, I'm real sorry.

Is Aunty Raquel still gonna send me to bed without supper?

Ha. Of course not.

Rats.

You know, Trevor, it seems this young man

is a little Mr. Fix-It.

Little Mr. Fix-It.

How cute.

You want me, don't ya?

You know, you oughta get him some tools of his own.

He could fix things around your house.

Yeah. You think you could fix our Christmas lights?

They stopped blinkin' in June.

Oh, sure.

I could even fix your outdoor PA system.

Oh, please don't.

Hey, Willie, can we borrow some of your tools?

Sure, they're in your garage.

Oh, yeah. Come on, Jake. Let's go.

- Goodbye, everybody. - Bye.

Oh, and tell Jay Leno I said "Hi."

Everybody knows this Jay Leno, except me.

What a strange family.

[ALF snarling]

Which one?

- Now what do you want? - Nothing.

I was just doing the Heimlich maneuver on myself.

[gagging]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Where's the..

Ah.

That piece doesn't fit there.

Yes, it does.

Voila.

Now Mickey's eye is in his nose.

Now he can see what he's smelling!

Mr. Ochmonek found his peat moss.

It was in his dining room behind a bag of rock salt.

Hm. Did Jake fix your hair dryer?

Yeah, Mr. Ochmonek's got him busy fixing everything.

(Trevor on PA) 'Testing, testing!'

[groaning]

[echoing] 'Is this thing on?'

[instrumental music]

[theme music]