Original subtitles

Interesting concept, the pencil.

Where did it come from?

Well, I've-I've heard a number of theories on that.

How about the shortest one?

The stationery store.

Thank you.

Say, that's a voter registration application.

Boy, can't put one over on you.

You can't vote, ALF. You're not a citizen.

I'll apply for a green card.

That's only if you want a job.

Pass!

I know, I'll marry Lynn.

Become a citizen, vote, then drop her like a hot potato!

Sure, it'll be hard on her at first.

She'll cry, drink a little too much

take up with a bongo player named Joaquin.

- ALF.. - You'll like Joaquin.

He doesn't eat beets.

Neither you nor Joaquin may marry my daughter.

And you may not vote.

Oh, great! I have no voice in government.

Joaquin will get deported and they'll make him eat beets!

How many cups of coffee did you drink today?

Forty, why?

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Guess what we're doing tonight?

Stuffing ourselves, until we see blue dots in front of our eyes?

No, we're watching the presidential debate on TV.

- We are? - Not me.

Oh, Lynn, you're gonna be voting in this election.

It's important to know what the issues are.

Yeah, Lynn. Listen to your mother.

Why? You don't.

She's not my mother.

Mom, I'm supposed to go down to the mall with Julie.

Lizard got a job at the new Weiner-on-a-stick place.

They're gonna make fun of his hair net.

Brian, stop listening in on my phone calls.

I didn't. ALF did.

See, you owe Brian an apology.

Now, stop trying to change the subject.

You should stay home and watch the debate.

Since when have you been interested in politics?

Are you kidding?

Back on Melmac, I was a registered democat.

Democat?

Yeah, we were a political party

and a doo-wop group.

- Hi. - Hi, dad.

- Hi, dad. - Hi, honey.

Hi, dear.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I wish you would have called.

I did call!

Oh, yeah. Willie called, said he'd be a little late.

Thank you.

ALF, why don't you ever write down my messages?

They're hardly quotable.

Well, y'all have a pleasant evening in here.

Weiner-on-a-stick.

Oh, yeah, the grand opening.

How did you know about that?

Well, that's where I ate.

You ate dinner?

Oh, yeah. Uh, don't worry about fixing dinner for Willie.

He'll get something at the mall.

Thank you, again.

Why did he stop off at the mall?

He didn't say.

To buy shoes.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Hey, the debate's starting.

Good evening. Tonight, the candidates face the issues

and me. I'm John McLaughlin.

On my right, Gill Hossenfeffer, senator from Wyoming.

On my left, Nathan Peal

congressman from Oregon. Let's go.

Hey, I can see Hossenfeffer's pale white shins.

I never realized how unappealing the human leg can be.

Could we hold the discussion, please?

What's to discuss? The guy's legs look like toothpaste.

Issue. Federal budget. How would you balance it?

Your answer, senator.

Well, we must first consider the ramifications

of any measures taken to restrict spending

without disregarding the impact of any plan

to increase revenues.

Well, if that isn't a pile of smoked lunch meat.

- ALF! - Come on!

If you wanna balance a budget

you just spend less money than you make.

Yikes! Talk about toothpaste legs.

Yee!

Turn that back up, I wanna hear this lunch meat.

Next question, you're in the Oval Office.

The red phone rings.

Soviet missiles are heading towards

1600, Pennsylvania Avenue. Do you push the button?

(ALF) 'Can I vote for the acerbic guy in the middle?'

Oh, well, in answer to your question

uh, as Joe Biden once said

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

And by arming ourselves against the impossible

we are preventing the unthinkable

from becoming the inevitable.

Double-talk. Preventing war is easy.

Just tell the people who are mad at each other

to kiss and make up.

Do you expect Reagan and Gorbachev to kiss?

Not on the lips.

ALF, international politics is very complex.

The Soviets want peace and so do we.

But we are separated by history, ideology, economic philosophy.

You sound just like those windbags.

Oh. No, I don't.

The Soviets want peace and so do we.

'But we're separated by history'

ideology, economic philosophy.

Wow!

Kate, maybe you should become President.

[scoffs]

Are you decent?

Would it matter?

Not to me.

Where's Kate?

- Oh, there you are. - Mm.

You know with that light behind you

I could see your silhouette.

'You look..'

- ALF! - What?

I was gonna say you look like an angel.

Thank you.

A naked angel.

What do you want?

I keep thinking about the debate.

I noticed those politicians never give simple answers.

Well, that's because the issues are so complicated.

Well, I think the voters would like answers

they could understand.

Oh, like your answer to unemployment.

Hire the jobless to give you piggy-back rides.

Hey, if I can restore a man's dignity

by climbing on his back, I say go for it.

ALF, you-you can't understand our democratic process

because you're not looking at-at the big picture.

You mean, the big picture over the piano?

No. By big picture, I mean--

Because I can look at that if I stand on the piano.

"Big picture" means..

- It's alright, Willie. - It's a figure of speech.

No, no, no, if ALF wants to look at the big picture

over the piano, let him. I am going to go to bed.

Thank you, Kate.

Just don't get any fur between the keys.

Alright, but don't lock your door.

I may have some more political questions for you.

He took the key.

At least Mr. Ed stayed in the barn at night.

[Willie sighs]

[dramatic music]

Ms. Tanner, our environment is becoming endangered

much like the liberal. What would you do about it?

Saving the liberal.

I'm referring to pollution.

Well...my environmental plan

includes tax incentives to the industrial sector

to encourage factory modernization

as well as legislation--

(ALF) Ah, lunch meat!

ALF!

Candidate ALF.

Your solution to pollution?

My solution to pollution will help your constitution.

So send a contribution, and start the revolution.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Could we please get serious here?

Quiet! Rap Master ALF is on a roll.

Thanks, man.

- Weiner-on-a-stick? - My pleasure.

Your answer?

To get rid of pollution

just tie big balloons on all the smokestacks

to catch the dirty air.

[audience applauding]

Wait a minute.

And what would you do when the balloons were full?

I'd rub them on a big sweater

and stick them to the ceiling of the White House.

[audience applauding]

Finally, a candidate as intelligent as myself.

How can you say that?

His solution is impractical and ludicrous.

Sour grapes, Ms. Tanner.

You lose. I'm voting for the ALFer.

[audience chanting] 'ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF!'

[chanting continues] 'ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF..'

- ALF. - That's my name.

Ask me again, and I'll tell you the same.

- ALF? - That's my name.

Ask me again, and I'll tell you the same.

What are you doing in here?

I got tired of looking at the big picture.

[groans]

Oh, hey, look! Willie's shins glow in the dark.

[instrumental music]

Was there something you wanted?

- Meat. - Meat?

And cheese..

...between numerous slices of bread.

Go. Eat meat.

Well, first, I wanna know something.

Why didn't that moderator ask the important questions?

Like what?

Well, like are you gonna be a good President

or a bad President?

What kind of question is that?

Well, if he says a bad President

I'm not gonna vote for him.

You're right, ALF.

Your questions make a lot of sense.

You should have been the moderator.

- Now, goodnight. - Goodnight.

If you need me, I'll be at the refrigerator.

We won't need you.

(both) I'll still be at the refrigerator.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

Excellent answer, Senator Hossenfeffer.

No wonder you're so far ahead in the polls.

Well, thanks. I'll see you at the inaugural ball.

And now, representing the wrong point of view

your opponent.

Welcome, Ms. Tanner.

If that is your real name.

It is.

Katherine Daphne Halligan Tanner.

Question one.

Where'd you get a name like Daphne?

Could we please talk about the issues?

Alright. Question two. Unemployment.

If you're elected, will my brother find a job?

Under my fiscal policy, I think he stands a very good chance.

Ha, ha, ha!

Shows what you know, Daphne.

I don't even have a brother.

How often do you make promises you can't keep?

Never!

But you just did.

- You're a liar. - Oh.

Liar liar, pants on fire!

Would you vote for a liar?

(audience) 'No!'

You may step down.

I'm not on trial.

Keep lying, you will be.

I'm not lying.

I'm not lying! I'm..

[no dialog]

[instrumental music]

I'm not lying.

I'm not lying.

You're certainly not standing up.

What are you doing?

Trying on cheap jewelry.

- And you? - Ugh!

Having a nightmare.

Was it the one I always have about being at work

and suddenly realizing I'm not wearing any pants?

Then remembering

I don't work, and I never wear pants.

No.

It was the one..

...where I was in a presidential debate.

You were the moderator

and you were asking stupid questions.

Was I wearing pants?

Stupid questions like that.

Kate?

ALF?

Go back to sleep, Willie.

This doesn't concern you.

Okay.

I have another stupid question, Kate.

Why do all those candidates look alike?

That's not a stupid question.

Sorry.

No, it's okay.

I think one reason all the candidates look alike

is that they have image consultants.

People who advise the can..

- Why am I telling you this? - I don't know.

I thought you were trying to lull me to sleep.

Get out of here.

Boy, you're pretty cranky at 3:14 A.M.

I hope you're more sociable at 5:28.

[instrumental music]

Hi.

What did you think of my debate?

Oh, you were great, honey.

Yeah, mom, you were terrific.

- Neat. - Really?

Hey, tell her the truth. I saw the debate. You stunk.

P.U. Odor City. Vomiting crackers.

You shouldn't be president.

You should be foreman at the Skunk Works.

Thank you for your constructive criticism.

We still love you, mom.

Uh, love shmuv. You need help.

My card.

"Gordon Shumway, image consultant."

The ink's still wet.

I just got in to the biz.

I didn't know images needed consulting

till I got a whiff of Kate. Phew!

That's very flattering.

First, we need to lose two inches off that skirt.

- We'll pin it up later. - Alright.

Now the name, Kate Tanner.

It just doesn't say "Power."

It says "Wipe your feet, I just mopped."

I don't need an image consultant.

Sure you do. Ask Geraldine Ferrari.

Ferraro.

See, she didn't have an image consultant

now people think she's a car.

Alright. What name would you suggest?

Let's see, uh, Whoopi Tanner.

No. No, uh...Indira Tanner.

No, I got it.

Mary Tyler Tanner.

Hey, no, no. I've got a better one.

Come with me.

Come on. You're gonna love this.

Now representing, the new and improved party

Ms. Sigourney Tanner.

[instrumental music]

[audience whistling]

That's more like it. That's more like it.

(ALF) That's more like it.

That's more like it.

'That's more like it.'

Yeah, that's more like it.

Oh.

Not you again.

Would you be happier if I was a burglar?

At this point, yes.

Okay. Give me your purse.

Why are you wearing Willie's robe?

Oh, I decided I want to be President.

What do you think of this look for my fireside chats?

I'll be in the kitchen making bumper stickers.

[instrumental music]

¶ President president bo-bresident ¶

¶ Banana-fana fo-fresident ¶

¶ Fee fi mo-mesident ¶

¶ I'm the President ¶¶

Yeah. Ha, ha!

Eeney, meeney

miney..

"Gabon."

(woman on speaker) 'Yes, Mr. President?'

Send a memo to Gabon.

Ask if they need foreign aid

or if they want Sally Struthers to adopt some of their kids.

(woman on speaker) 'Oh, right away, sir.'

'Oh, and there's a Kate Tanner here to see you.'

That's my Kateleh. Send her in.

Kate, long time no see.

Hello, Mr. President.

Oh, I hope you're not too upset

that I beat you a hundred and fifty million to one!

By the way, that was kind of tacky, voting for yourself.

Well, I was mad at you! You kept waking me up all night.

You know, I thought the election would be a lot closer.

Especially after they accused me of eating Donna Rice's cat!

So, what do you think of the office?

It's oval.

Popcorn?

I popped it over the eternal flame.

Why did you call me here?

Because I want you in my cabinet.

Right between the Bengay and the dental floss.

[laughs]

Just kidding. Just kidding.

I'm glad to see you haven't lost

your boyish sense of humor, Mr. President.

Hey, why else would I have appointed Judge Reinhold

to the Supreme Court?

ALF, the President has a lot of serious problems..

[burps]

...to deal with.

For example, what do you plan to do about the homeless?

- It's done. - What's done?

I had houses built for each of them.

Right. And what are you doing about unemployment?

There is none. Everybody's building houses.

And I suppose people aren't fighting wars anymore?

Who's got time to fight?

They're all picking out wallpaper for their new homes.

ALF, I don't think the country's problems

can be solved that easily.

Sure they can. Look outside.

[burps]

Everybody's dancing in the streets.

There was plenty of room after we swept up

the dead stock brokers.

Looks like the old ALFer came through, huh?

Well, I have to say, I'm impressed.

You've solved 200 years worth of problems in one week.

Actually, I took the weekend off.

I went to Camp David.

See this neat wallet I made?

Very nice.

[intercom buzzes]

(woman on speaker) 'Sir, the Ayatollah returned your call.'

'He's sorry about mining the gulf'

'and he'd love to be the White House Santa this year.'

Thanks, Fawn.

Well, I guess you are a good president.

[telephone rings]

Don't worry, it's the black phone.

President here.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, no problem!

Yeah, thank you!

Excuse me, Kate. I'm off to South Dakota.

I've got a rendezvous with history.

[patriotic music]

What do you think, Kate? Huh? Huh?

I think you look silly next to Abe Lincoln.

And I think Valerie should have stayed with her family.

But hey, it's her career.

ALF.

What do you want now?

I finally figured out

why your political system is so complicated.

That's just the way your world works.

I guess things were simpler on Melmac, huh?

Yeah. If we didn't understand something, we broke it.

It's too bad life here isn't that way.

It would be nice to have people dancing in the streets.

- Huh? - ALF..

Alf, I dreamt you were president.

And you were right about everything.

Every problem had a simple answer.

Sound nice.

Yeah. It was.

Goodnight, Kate.

Goodnight, ALF.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Mom, have you seen my other-- - Shh!

Sorry.

Uh, Lynn?

Can you get me out of here?

[theme music]

[ALF laughs]