Original subtitles

[door opens]

Hey, Kate, guess what I am.

Is it something that begins with "couch"

and ends with "potato"?

Cheap shot, Kate-mandu.

I'm a Type T personality.

Okay, ALF. What is a Type T personality?

Well, according to this article

a Type T is a thrill-seeker.

Someone who looks for danger

who laughs in the face of death.

Ha-ha-ha.

Is this from the same person

who watched the movie "Aliens"

from under the couch?

Hey, I thought I owed one of those guys money.

Am I a Type T?

Well, do you enjoy hand gliding off cliffs

into rock filled gorges?

I don't know.

Well, let's find out!

What do you say we jump off the roof?

You land feet-first, you're a wimp.

I'll go get the ladder!

No one is jumping off the roof.

Hey, Kate, let me know

when you'll let your son act like a man.

Aah! Paper cut, paper cut!

Ooh!

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

(ALF) 'How was work today, honey?'

What are you doing in my bed?

Your bed? It happens to be half Kate's!

Did Kate say you could lie there?

Does that sound like something Kate would say?

Get out of my bed.

Now, that sounds like Kate.

ALF, did you take my pillow?

Yeah, it's under my tushie.

- Keep it. - Don't go! I'm depressed!

And Willie's kicking me out of bed.

I'm sorry. I-I didn't know you were depressed. What's wrong?

Well, I was looking through my photos.

Seeing all the adventures I used to have.

Hm.

Here, that's me climbing Mt. Floppy

on the planet Griphard.

Climbing? That mountain looks flat.

It is flat.

It's the planet that's tilted.

The planet..

...is tilted.

That's amazing!

Try playing golf there sometime.

You're lucky if you shoot in the low 600s.

What are you doing in this barrel?

Oh, there I was getting ready

to go up Widow-maker Falls.

You went up a waterfall?

Yeah, and the ride was so rough

I almost threw down!

You really did have an exciting life.

"Did" is the operative word.

Those days are over, ma cherie.

Well, you had a pretty exciting day yesterday.

How do you figure that?

You built that big bonfire in our backyard.

And you got to see the fire engines again.

Well, that gets old. Right, Willie?

No, I get a lump in my throat every single time.

Look who I'm talking to about excitement.

Now, look here, I'm not gonna be put down by some guy

who climbed the flat mountain.

I-I know my life may appear

a bit routine at times

but I've had my share of adventure.

I've lived on the edge.

That's right.

When I was born, mom and dad lived

on the edge of Bakersfield.

Now, you listen to me, young lady.

There's plenty about me that you, uh..

...you don't know.

Like what?

Well, nothing you really need to know about right now.

Does it have anything to do

with you wearing Kate's red pumps?

No, it's..

Why would you..

Why would you say something like that?

I'm an instigator.

[laughs] Dad, tell us what you did.

No.

Oh, please. I really wanna know.

Well, uh..

When I was 17 I hopped a freight train.

I took it right straight across the whole country.

You're kidding!

What did you do for money?

I did odd jobs, I, uh..

I washed dishes..

I-I played the piano

in a honky-tonk place in Texas.

- Does mom know about all this? - Oh, yeah, sure.

But...she doesn't like me to talk about it

because she doesn't want you and Brian getting any ideas.

- How come? - Well, uh..

She doesn't want them hopping trains.

- How come? - Well..

That's not something you want your children to do.

How come?

I don't know, it's just Kate

laying down these arbitrary rules.

Well, that's Kate for ya.

[crickets chirping]

[toy train chugging]

Hey, Willie, is this the kind of train

you used to hop?

Well, the others were bigger, of course

and they-they didn't just run around in circles.

But, uh..

...basically, yeah.

How'd you do it?

Well..

Here's what I'd do, you see.

I'd case the yard, I-I'd hide in the bush.

I'd wait until dark and when I saw my train was pulling out

I would just go make a run for it.

Whoa! Well, did it ever get so dark

you jumped on the wrong thing

like a bus or a parade?

Try to ask some sensible questions, ALF.

Okay.

Which one is the kitchen car?

[laughs] There wasn't any kitchen car.

Yes, I sat in the boxcar, I-I ate beans out of a can.

That's how I got my traveling name!

Bean head?

Boxcar Willie.

Wow, what a cool name!

Hey, can I have your autograph?

- No! - Come on, come on!

I guess.

[door opens]

Willie, are you sure you don't want to go

to my mother's with us?

Oh, yeah, I'm positive.

If dad doesn't have to go, why do I?

Because you're my son and I can tell you what to do.

Well, there you have it.

- What's this? - Oh, it's, uh, my autograph.

Uh, ALF wanted it.

It's for a friend.

Well, we'll be back in a couple of hours.

Now, don't get into any trouble.

Don't worry about Willie. I'll keep an eye on him.

I was talking to you.

I know. I was being playful.

- See you later, Willie. - Okay.

- Buh-bye. - Bye.

Now's our chance.

Let's go down to the train yard.

No, we're not hopping any train.

I'm not talking about riding the rails!

I just wanna see them!

Please, Willie. Ple-e-ease?

No, we can't! Really, ALF, we can't.

Alright. Tell me when this gets annoying.

Yeah, yeah. You hopped the freight train.

Sure. Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah, I almost believed that. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Look at Mr. Excitement.

Forget it, ALF. It's not working!

Okay, I'll try something else.

Willie, please take me to see the trains.

I haven't had an adventure in a long time.

Alright, maybe this will work.

Willie, I'm dying.

[coughs]

I've only got 24 hours to live, 25, tops.

Okay, come on.

You bought that?

I bought the second thing you said.

Oh! Well, what was it?

I might wanna use it again some time.

Come on.

- Bring a sweater. - Okay.

[instrumental music]

[sighs] Boy, there's nothing like a train yard at night!

Yeah. It is peaceful.

[train honking]

Whoa! What's that thing?

[chuckles] That's the train!

It makes the one you have look like a toy!

That's really something, isn't it?

You know that engine alone weighs about 75 tons?

You know what would happen if I put a penny on that track?

The train'd derail and all the bums would spill their beans.

That penny would be flat.

Wille, pennies are already flat.

(male #1) 'Hey, who's out there?'

Uh-oh, that's the guard.

You mean, that guy with the Seeing Eye dog?

Duh! Big deal!

No. That's no Seeing Eye dog.

That's a Doberman pinscher.

Yikes! Don't let him pinch me!

[dog barking]

ALF!

(male #1) 'Hey, get away from that train!'

ALF, jump!

Run, Boxcar, run!

All aboard!

Hey, I always wanted to say that.

Well, you got your wish!

And you got yours, too!

We're riding the rails, Willie.

- Ain't it grand? - No, it ain't.

Now the train's going too fast, we can't get off!

[panting]

You're acting like this is all my fault.

Well, isn't it?

I was hoping we could share.

¶ Good morning America how are ya? ¶

¶ Don't you know me ¶

¶ I'm your native son ¶¶

What's the next line?

Just be quiet.

Really? I'm surprised that song was such a big hit.

¶ Just be quiet just be quiet ¶

¶ Just be quiet ¶

¶ La la la la la la la ¶¶

[instrumental music]

Who do you think is on "Letterman" tonight?

Probably Teri Garr.

Maybe hopping the train was a bad idea.

Maybe? Maybe..

Whatever possessed you

to do such a thing?

I am not sure.

Isn't impetuosity a word?

Yes, it is.

Then I did it because I'm impetuosity.

I couldn't help myself.

You made riding the rails sound so exciting!

Well..

[chuckles]

As long as we're here

we might as well enjoy ourselves, eh?

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Come on. Let's crack open a can of beans.

What beans? We've got no beans.

This trip was totally misrepresented.

Look, let's just look out the door

and-and-and watch the world go by.

It's dark out.

Let's just stare at the darkness.

Stare at the darkness?

What are you? A beatnik?

Listen, this was your idea to ride the rails.

Don't you think the least you could do

is to try to make the most of it?

Alright! Alright! I'll stare.

[train chugging]

(male #1) 'Litchfield? Flatcar?'

'Is that you?'

Willie! Willie, it's a hobo.

Hide me.

Uh, no, I'm sorry. We're not Litchfield and Flatcar.

Don't be sorry. They got no teeth.

- Where's your buddy? - Well, he's there.

Just-just there behind the crates.

He's...he's shy.

He's terribly shy around strangers.

Strangers? Hey, I'm no stranger. You are the stranger!

I know everybody who rides the Rock Island line.

Mighty good line.

What?

Never mind. Nothing, I-I, noth..

- You're a funny guy. - Oh.

- Gravel Gus. - Willie Tanner.

H-how do you do?

Uh, say, Gravel Gus

I guess you got your name because of your voice there.

- Right? - No.

It's because the first six times I tried to hop a freight

I landed facedown in the gravel.

Oh-oo-oo.

It could be worse. Ask Cesspool Steve.

Oh, double ooh.

- How long you been riding? - Uh, since I was about 17.

Of course, I took a break there for 30 years.

30 years. That's how long I've been riding.

I used to work on Madison Avenue.

And one day I decided to chuck the A game.

Here I am.

That's a fascinating story.

Yeah. Too bad it's not true.

Hm. Actually I've always been a bum.

Well, there's dignity in that.

Not the way I done it.

Hey, you guys want some beans?

I do! I do!

Ahh! A loose kangaroo!

[screaming]

Hey! Is he alright?

Well, he fell facedown in a pile of gravel.

Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.

No matter what happens, I get no beans.

You know, I'm really getting tired of you whining.

I'm getting tired of whining. So there!

I guess I won't mention how cold it is.

Thank you.

Is it okay if I put my foot under your armpit?

No, it's not!

- Aren't you cold? - Yes, I am.

Wouldn't you like to wrap your armpit around my nice warm foot?

Look, ALF, if we don't think about the cold

it's not going to be so bad.

Fine. Live in a fantasy world.

- Whoa! - Ow, ooh, Willie.

- I bumped my head. - Oh, here, let me see.

Ow, you're hurting me.

Do you know, for someone who's traveled all the way

across this universe and had all kinds of adventures

climbed a flat mountain?

You are an incredible baby.

I never climbed Mount Floppy.

What are you talkin' about? I saw you in the picture.

It was taken at a carnival.

I stuck my head through a cardboard cutout.

It cost me a wernick.

- A wernick? - Yeah.

That's ten dollars on Melmac.

Well, what about, what about

that picture of you in that barrel?

- I paid a matter for it. - What's a matter?

Well, for one thing, I've got this bump on my head.

Ha ha ha!

Good one, huh?

This was back when you were dating Rhonda?

Yeah, but there was no such thing as dating on Melmac.

If you liked a girl, you took her to dinner

and a movie.

Just sounds remarkably like dating.

We called it taking a girl to dinner and a movie.

Uh, just like there were no telephones.

They were called those plastic things on the counter that ring.

Of course. Of course.

It's just as plain as this breathing apparatus on my face.

That's your nose, Willie.

Why must you needlessly complicate everything?

Please continue.

[clears throat]

Well, I just started going out with Rhonda

when my planet blew up.

Unlucky in love.

Unlucky in Armageddon.

I'm sorry, ALF.

Hey, at least I don't worry anymore.

When my planet blew up, I realized one thing.

You have to live every moment to the fullest.

Oh, look, Willie

that's where Melmac used to be.

Where?

That spot up there where it looks like

there should be a planet.

Oh, look, ALF, it's a shooting star.

Make a wish.

Okay.

Well, what did you wish?

I wished I had my planet back.

Oh.

ALF.

[harmonica music]

Well, cheer up, ALF, because at least you know

your friends are still out there.

Maybe-maybe you'll meet up someday.

May-maybe you and Rhonda will get together.

Maybe you'll get married.

Yeah. Hey, I'm still young.

If I'm not married by the time I hit the big four-O-O

then I'll panic.

Maybe I'll marry Lynn.

- What? - I'm kidding. Cool down.

Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool.

Uh, you are kidding about that?

- Yes! - Okay, I'm cool.

I guess you always knew you were gonna get married

and settle down, huh?

Well, actually, uh..

...I didn't really ever think I really would.

No luck with the babes?

No, I had babes. I mean, I had girlfriends.

I just, uh, I didn't think I..

I wanted to do the things my father did.

[train horn blowing]

What was he like?

Well.

You know, he was married, two kids, lived in the suburbs.

Wow. And you're his son.

I'm sorry, Willie, go on.

I just, I wanted my life to be more exciting than his was.

That's all. That's why I started..

That's why I started riding the rails.

So what happened?

Well, I met a girl in Colorado.

We were working in this restaurant.

She-she was saving her money to go to California.

She wanted to be an actress.

And I don't know, we started going out together

and before I knew it, I..

...I-I fell in love.

Why, I never knew Kate wanted to be an actress.

No. It wasn't Kate.

It was Linda Evans.

That's the truth.

Really? You dated her?

Well, way to go, Willie.

What happened?

Oh, I don't know.

She set out to find the footlights

and I set out to find the sky.

Boy, you showed her.

Well, it's just as well, I found the girl of my dreams

I found that girl, that one girl I wanted to spent the whole

rest of my life with.

- Joan Collins? - Kate.

- Kate. - Oh, right. Yeah.

Well, you married the right girl.

Linda's much too busy.

She'd never be home in time to tuck me in.

Well, I'm so glad you approve.

Kate's made me a very happy man, you know.

Yeah, but you better face it, Willie.

You did follow in your father's footsteps.

Yeah, but I found out

there's a lot of adventure out there in the suburbs.

There is.

Buying our house

having our first Christmas

seeing Lynne come out of the delivery room..

...hearing Brian say "Dad," you know?

Hey. Hey.

What about that pesky alien crashing through your roof?

That's certainly been an adventure.

Yeah, for me too.

Willie..

...do you ever wish I hadn't crashed through your roof?

Never.

Thanks..

...dad!

[laughs]

Yeah.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[phone ringing]

Hello? Willie!

Willie, where are you?

You're kidding.

well, honey, I'll be there as soon as I can.

I'm glad I married you too.

Are dad and ALF alright?

They are Barstow. They've been riding the rails.

That's fantastic.

I mean that's terrible. Bad dad.

- Bad ALF. - I'll pick them up.

What's riding in the rails?

Uh, something that your father did a long time ago

and that you will never do.

Oh, you mean like dating Linda Evans?

That's right.

[instrumental music]

Well, I found a mini-mart down the road. I called Kate.

She said.. She says she'll be here in a couple of hours.

A couple of hours?

What are we gonna do till then?

[crickets chirping]

Beans! Hey, way to go, Boxcar.

To Gus.

You know..

...I had a lot of fun today, ALF.

- Thanks. - My pleasure.

We'll do this again sometime.

That's what you think.

[humming]

¶ Good morning America ¶

¶ How are ya? ¶

¶ Don't you know me? ¶

¶ I'm your native son ¶

¶ I'm the train they call ¶

¶ The city of New Orleans ¶

¶ And I'll be gone 500 miles ¶ ¶ And I'll be gone 500 miles ¶

¶ When the day is done ¶ ¶ When the day is done ¶

[both humming]

¶ Just be quiet just be quiet ¶

¶ Just be quiet ¶¶

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]