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1
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:03,869
(man on TV)
'And our next contestant
is Miss Tasmania.'
2
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:06,405
'Okay, Miss Tasmania,
your question is'
3
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,906
'what do you say
to people who claim'
4
00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:09,908
'you're merely
a beautiful face and body'
5
00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:11,276
'without a brain?'
6
00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:12,378
(Miss Tasmania)
'Thank you.'
7
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,446
[audience applauding]
8
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:15,881
What are you watching?
9
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:19,084
I think it's
a United Nations meeting.
10
00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:20,919
That's not the United Nations.
11
00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:24,256
- It's a beauty pageant.
- Are you sure?
12
00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:27,059
A minute ago, they asked
the ambassador from Spain
13
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,828
"What she would do
for world peace?"
14
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:33,432
She's not the ambassador.
She's a contestant.
15
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:38,037
Oh. Well, I guess that explains
why the ambassador from Sweden
16
00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:39,538
was juggling.
17
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,411
[theme music]
18
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,529
[music continues]
19
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,606
[audience applauding on TV]
20
00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:53,979
On Melmac, the judges paraded
around in swimsuits
21
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:57,583
while the contestants sat
in the audience.
22
00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:59,551
Well, why were the judges
in swimsuits
23
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,553
and not the contestants?
24
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,689
The judges had better bodies.
25
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:08,127
Hey, Kate. I'd like
to see you do that.
26
00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:10,095
Plate spinning
was never my sport.
27
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,566
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
28
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,702
Hey, you're home early.
Where's Rick?
29
00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:19,571
Yeah, where's that jerk
with the earring?
30
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:22,040
He's still at the dance.
31
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:25,744
- Honey, is something wrong?
- No-no, nothing is wrong.
32
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:26,645
[crying]
33
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,847
Lynn, what's the matter?
34
00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:31,216
ALF, will you turn
that thing off?
35
00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:33,719
But it's the losers'
production number.
36
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:38,991
ALF, can't you see
that Lynnie is upset?
37
00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:40,759
Oh. Sorry.
38
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:44,163
Lynn, what happened?
39
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,632
Rick and I were at the dance.
40
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:47,900
We're having a really good time
41
00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:49,701
and then Cindy Bennett
showed up.
42
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,270
And Rick asked me
if he could dance with her.
43
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,704
So I said, "I suppose."
44
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,774
So, he danced with her,
the whole night!
45
00:02:56,710 --> 00:03:00,579
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
46
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:01,947
Cindy Bennett.
47
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:04,850
Is that that blonde cheerleader
in your yearbook?
48
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,385
Yeah.
49
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:07,920
Wow!
50
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:12,157
I mean, she's not
as pretty as you.
51
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:14,426
Rick's a jerk
for doing what he did.
52
00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:17,029
You know, I don't even
blame him. Cindy is gorgeous.
53
00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:18,664
Any guy would want her
instead of me.
54
00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:20,599
- Oh, Lynn, that's not true.
- Yes, it is.
55
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,234
Oh, honey, I know
that you're upset
56
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:25,837
but you know, these kind
of things happen all the time.
57
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:28,840
Great, you've given me
a lot to look forward to.
58
00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:31,910
That's not what I meant.
59
00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:33,712
Let-let me tell you
a little story
60
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,247
that might make you
feel better.
61
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:38,050
When I was in high school,
I was at this dance
62
00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,885
and this really cute-looking guy
came over
63
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,453
and started
talking to me.
64
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,921
Well, we spent
the whole evening together.
65
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:45,624
It was wonderful
until I found out
66
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:48,060
that he had left his date
to be with me.
67
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:50,596
And?
68
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,766
And even though
I kept dating him
69
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:57,236
I always felt that
what he did was wrong.
70
00:03:58,973 --> 00:04:00,105
Thanks, mom.
71
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:03,475
- I feel much better now.
- Sorry.
72
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:07,279
Excuse me but what happened
to the girl who got dumped?
73
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:08,947
It's not important.
74
00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:11,984
Well, not to you.
You got your guy.
75
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:19,024
I think what your mother
is trying to say in her own..
76
00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:21,260
...special way..
77
00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:23,729
...is that, you know..
78
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,063
...you're too good for Rick.
79
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:27,266
Well, I didn't get that at all.
80
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,334
It sounds to me
like she's being punished
81
00:04:29,336 --> 00:04:31,570
for something Kate did.
82
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:34,473
Don't you have a pageant
to watch?
83
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,042
I'm trying to help Lynn.
84
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:40,379
Well, you're not.
Watch your TV show.
85
00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:44,683
Fine! If you need me, Lynn,
I'm here for you.
86
00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:48,487
Mom.
87
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,322
Do you think I'm pretty?
88
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:53,492
Oh. Well, of course, you are.
89
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:55,961
You are a beautiful young girl.
90
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,864
You have to say that,
you're my mother.
91
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:02,200
Dad, if you were my age,
would you ask me out?
92
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:06,738
Well, if I were your age
and you weren't my daughter
93
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:10,008
and if I weren't married
and if I had a car back then--
94
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,744
See? Dad won't even ask me out.
95
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,746
- Willie..
- Of course, I would.
96
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,815
Lynn, you're a wonderful girl.
97
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,751
You've got a great personality.
98
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:22,821
Thanks, dad.
That's the kiss of death.
99
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,759
Lynnie.
100
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,095
I suppose you're gonna
blame me for this.
101
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:33,365
No, of course not.
This isn't your fault.
102
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:36,068
I know. I just wanted
to hear you say it.
103
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,072
Watch your pageant.
104
00:05:40,074 --> 00:05:41,306
[audience applauding on TV]
105
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:44,109
Oh, hey, look!
There's John Candy.
106
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:48,046
No, wait, that's Miss Bulgaria.
107
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:55,754
Alright, what do you give me
for a Mickey Mackerel card?
108
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,622
What are you guys doing?
109
00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:59,925
Trading bouillabaisseball cards.
110
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,660
What's bouillabaisseball?
111
00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,228
It's baseball in Melmac.
112
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,797
Instead of a ball
they throw fish guts.
113
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,100
Fish parts.
114
00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:10,802
The guts are sold
at the concession stand.
115
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:13,572
Sorry I asked.
116
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:16,141
These are neat. Did they come
with bubble gum too?
117
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:19,478
Yeah, two flavors
Tabby and Persian.
118
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,813
[telephone rings]
119
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:24,149
Hello? Yes?
120
00:06:25,119 --> 00:06:27,419
The Miss Southland Pageant?
121
00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:29,688
I-I'm sorry. I'm afraid
you must have the wrong number.
122
00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:31,323
No, that's for me.
123
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,896
You'll have
to excuse Aunt Sophie.
124
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,264
Sometimes she's here
125
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:42,033
and sometimes we don't know
where she is.
126
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,436
What's ALF doing?
127
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,671
I think that he's entered
a beauty pageant.
128
00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:48,306
Shh!
129
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,675
Yeah. Uh-huh.
130
00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:52,511
Yeah. Oh, great!
131
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:54,212
Yeah, no problem!
132
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:56,014
Thanks. Ta-ta.
133
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,917
Are you gonna be Miss Southland?
134
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,753
No, unfortunately,
the contest isn't open
135
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,789
to professional models.
136
00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:05,757
I entered Lynn.
137
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,159
What?
138
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,362
Hold that thought, Kate.
139
00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:11,663
You're wearing that?
140
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:14,866
There's a dress code
for taking out the garbage?
141
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,701
Brian, take it out for her.
142
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:20,305
Our little beauty shouldn't be
seen carrying trash.
143
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:23,442
She was ugly enough
to take it out yesterday.
144
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:27,145
- I'll give you a dollar.
- Okay.
145
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:31,016
You owe Brian a dollar.
Lynn, you should change.
146
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:34,186
The lady from Miss Southland
will be here any minute.
147
00:07:34,188 --> 00:07:38,557
- What are you talking about?
- Connect the dots here.
148
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:42,093
I entered you
in the Miss Southland pageant.
149
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:45,497
What? ALF, why would you do
something like that?
150
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,566
Well, isn't it obvious?
151
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,367
Tell her why, Kate.
152
00:07:49,369 --> 00:07:51,903
Because, he's an idiot!
153
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,606
Thanks for clearing that up.
154
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:58,577
Lynn, I saw how upset you were
after that dance thing.
155
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:01,313
And I figured
if you won this contest..
156
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:04,015
Hey, you'd feel better
about yourself.
157
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:06,718
But why didn't you
ask me first?
158
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,920
I was afraid you might say no.
159
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,689
You were right.
160
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,591
See, Kate, I'm not an idiot!
161
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:16,228
I'm not entering
the contest, ALF.
162
00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:17,462
But, you'll win!
163
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,364
ALF, I want you to call the
pageant people
164
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:21,566
right this minute. Tell them
that Lynn is withdrawing.
165
00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:24,569
See, even my own mother knows
I wouldn't have a chance.
166
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:27,105
Oh, real supportive, Kate.
167
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:28,907
Honey, that's not what I meant.
168
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,676
Look, I'm not exactly
beauty contest material.
169
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,178
Sure you are! Hey!
170
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,547
You should have heard what
they thought about your picture.
171
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:36,815
What picture?
172
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:39,317
The one from your
sweet 16 party.
173
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,553
Oh, ALF, I looked terrible
in that picture!
174
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,121
I still had my braces on.
175
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,957
Don't worry.
I whited them out!
176
00:08:47,261 --> 00:08:49,194
Oh, great.
177
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:52,097
Now, before the contest
coordinator gets here
178
00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,366
I think we should
go over your application.
179
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:55,700
What application?
180
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,402
The one on the desk.
181
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:05,577
ALF, why did you say
my talent was clog dancing?
182
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:09,881
Well, it's not singing.
I've heard you do that.
183
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,851
I have never clog danced
in my life!
184
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:15,453
Oh, it's easy.
I mean, what do you do?
185
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:19,524
You just clog up a sink
and dance around it, right?
186
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:22,894
ALF, you don't
clog up a sink to clog dance.
187
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,262
Then, what's the name
of the dance
188
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,798
where you do clog up a sink?
189
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,266
There isn't one.
190
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:31,269
Well, I suggest we call it
the funky ALF.
191
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,173
I'm not sending in
that application.
192
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,909
Well, too late.
They already have a copy.
193
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,945
Forget the contest, ALF.
194
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,113
Fine, give up the scholarship.
195
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:45,517
- Scholarship?
- Give up the car!
196
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:46,685
Car?
197
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:49,020
What kind of a car?
198
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,656
Well, I'll give you a hint.
199
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:53,458
It's spelled with a Z.
200
00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:56,261
I guess it wouldn't hurt
to meet this woman.
201
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,430
I think I'll go change.
202
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:01,299
ALF, just what kind of car
is this?
203
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:04,436
Used. That's spelled with a Z,
isn't it?
204
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:07,639
[instrumental music]
205
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:12,444
And that's not all that beauty
pageants have to offer.
206
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:15,981
They also teach you about life,
help you develop poise
207
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:20,318
and they lead to lots and lots
of wonderful opportunities.
208
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:24,689
In fact many of our girls have
gone on to become hostesses.
209
00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:28,460
Not-not waitresses, mind you.
But hostesses.
210
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,462
Oh.
211
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:34,065
Of course I can't promise
you will become a hostess.
212
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,967
I won't get my hopes up.
213
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,269
Listen, do you really think
I have a chance of winning.
214
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:41,940
Well, of course you do.
Oh, you're such a pretty girl.
215
00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:44,509
And you have such a lovely
smile.
216
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:47,078
Although it doesn't seem quite
as bright
217
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,314
as it does in your picture.
218
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:53,418
Oh, Lynn's built up a bit of
plaque since then.
219
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,186
I see.
220
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:58,289
Oh, before I forget,
it says on your application
221
00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,659
that you're a clog dancer.
222
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:03,395
Do you need any special
equipment for that?
223
00:11:03,397 --> 00:11:09,034
No. You just clog up a sink
and I'll dance around it.
224
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:10,735
What?
225
00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:11,970
[laughing]
226
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:14,839
Oh, oh, you're just joking.
227
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:18,610
[chuckling]
Ah, there's never a dull moment
with ol' Lynn around.
228
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:21,546
Well, I guess I have
all the information I need.
229
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,148
I'd better be going.
230
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:24,716
I start my shift in half an hour
231
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,752
and customers won't know
where to sit if I'm not there.
232
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,656
Oh, Miss Bartley, before you go
233
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,124
can I ask you a question?
234
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:38,563
If I don't win is there some
sort of a consolation prize?
235
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:42,167
Oh, yes, each contest wins a
copy of the Miss Southland
236
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:44,669
home game
and a big pumice stone.
237
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:48,206
Oh, then I guess I can't lose.
238
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:52,711
Right. Have a pretty day. Bye.
239
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,579
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
240
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,883
Well, what do you think?
241
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,052
Well, now that we know her,
she might give us a good table
242
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,321
at the pizza bar.
243
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:06,758
No, no, I mean what do you think
about me entering the pageant?
244
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,828
Well, Lynn, you're not really
considering it, are you?
245
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,529
Sure, why not?
246
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:13,898
Well, I don't know,
I-I guess I always thought
247
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:17,001
that beauty pageants were
demeaning to women.
248
00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:18,436
Well, maybe you're right, Willie
249
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,338
but one contest
isn't gonna hurt her
250
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,474
as long as she doesn't take it
too seriously.
251
00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:24,709
You're not gonna take it too
seriously, are you?
252
00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:27,779
Mom, I'm clog dancing for a
pumice stone.
253
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:29,314
How serious can I be?
254
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:36,621
I guess it could be fun, maybe
even a learning experience.
255
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:41,259
- There's nothing to lose.
- Just the registration fee.
256
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:45,363
- How much?
- $200.
257
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,832
I guess you know what
my reaction's going to be.
258
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:50,268
Yeah, but I don't think I care
to hear it.
259
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,340
[instrumental music]
260
00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:00,178
Come on!
Keep those clogs moving!
261
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:03,882
That's it! Pretend
you're mashing boll weevils.
262
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,686
ALF, we're not
getting anywhere here.
263
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:09,988
Sure we are.
264
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:13,458
A week ago, we didn't even know
what clog dancing was.
265
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,627
Now, we're both
sick to death of it.
266
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,564
That's it.
I'm taking a rest.
267
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:20,698
[music stops]
268
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,133
There's no time!
269
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,903
We only have six hours
until the pageant.
270
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,938
My feet are killing me.
271
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,640
Alright. Alright.
272
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:31,943
We can work on your
saccharine smile, instead.
273
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:36,581
No! No, please, no more smiling.
My face is gonna lock up.
274
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,683
Great!
275
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,819
ALF, you're taking this thing
way too seriously.
276
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:44,389
- I wanted it to be fun.
- Hey, you know what's fun?
277
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,958
Cramming for the interview
segment.
278
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,995
Now I jotted down a few things
that the judges might ask.
279
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,397
Oh, no.
280
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,465
Let's start with the As.
281
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:58,937
"What do Americans
and Australians have in common?"
282
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,405
I don't know.
283
00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:03,007
Alright.
I'll give you this one.
284
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:05,944
They both want world peace.
285
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:09,948
Question number two.
286
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:14,018
"What do Americans
and Albanians have in common?"
287
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,753
They both want world peace?
288
00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:17,755
Very good.
289
00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:19,357
Question number three.
290
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,292
- "What do Americans--"
- ALF!
291
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:23,194
I don't want to go through
a zillion questions
292
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,596
that are all the same.
293
00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:27,332
You don't want to do anything,
do you?
294
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,267
Why do I even try?
295
00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:31,436
I mean, I go out of my way
to help someone
296
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:34,405
through a rough period
and do they appreciate it?
297
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,641
No, they just complain.
298
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:39,143
You know,
maybe Dear Abby was right.
299
00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:41,379
Maybe I do care too much.
300
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:47,218
Alright, ALF,
what's the next question?
301
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,655
- Are you sure this time?
- Yes.
302
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:51,923
Okay.
303
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:56,094
"What do Americans and Alpha
Centaurians have in common?"
304
00:14:56,096 --> 00:15:01,599
- They both want world peace.
- No! Eaah! Wrong!
305
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:05,336
The Alpha Centaurians
have world peace.
306
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:09,707
- What they want is shoes.
- Shoes.
307
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:13,344
Come on, now.
Think before you answer.
308
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:16,547
Question number four.
"What do Americans.."
309
00:15:18,985 --> 00:15:22,520
I don't believe this, 96
stations, and not one of them
310
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,790
is carrying
the Miss Southland pageant.
311
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:30,261
- Well, what do you think?
- Oh, Lynn!
312
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:34,599
You look...stunning!
313
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:37,635
Thanks, daddy.
314
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,737
Brian, don't you think
your sister looks pretty?
315
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:42,874
If I say yes, am I gonna
have to take out the garbage?
316
00:15:42,876 --> 00:15:46,277
- No.
- Then I guess she's pretty.
317
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,679
Thanks, Bri.
318
00:15:47,681 --> 00:15:49,414
So, dad, do you really think
I have a chance?
319
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,716
Are you kidding?
You'll do great.
320
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,319
Now, is this the same Willie
who said that beauty pageants
321
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:55,720
were demeaning to women?
322
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,922
Yeah, but that Willie didn't
have a daughter
323
00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:59,657
who's going to win!
324
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,759
ALF, you haven't said anything,
325
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:04,295
Please, Kate,
don't spoil the moment.
326
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,930
What do you think, ALF?
327
00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:09,100
Well, as Grandma Shumway
used to tell me
328
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:12,270
"If you don't have
anything nice to say to someone
329
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,605
don't say anything at all."
330
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:17,342
Then she never
spoke to me again.
331
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,810
You don't think I look good?
332
00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:21,546
Well, not as good
as you usually do.
333
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:24,682
- What do you mean?
- Let's take it from the top.
334
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:27,585
Your hair.
What happened to it?
335
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,521
I got a permanent.
336
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:33,257
You mean, it's gonna
look like that forever?
337
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:35,526
[chuckling]
No, no, just till it grows out.
338
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,996
Yeah, that's what
they said about
339
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:41,366
this orange dye job of mine.
340
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,900
And that dress.
341
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:45,436
You look like
you're 22 years old.
342
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,171
I was hoping for 25.
343
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:50,074
Why don't you go the distance
and try to look as old as Kate?
344
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:55,680
You're gonna go the distance,
out the door.
345
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,882
ALF, we think she looks nice.
346
00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:02,186
I do too, but she's lost
that natural glow.
347
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,555
Now she just looks..
348
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,224
...glamorous.
349
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:07,992
I'll take that as a compliment.
350
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,861
You know, maybe it's the makeup
and everything
351
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,096
but I really think
that maybe I do have a chance.
352
00:17:12,098 --> 00:17:14,298
You know, I wanted
to take a photo of you guys
353
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:18,302
but now I don't know if I could
fit all of Lynn's hair in it.
354
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:21,439
- Well, let's give it a shot.
- Oh, good idea. Come on, Bri.
355
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,574
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Right over here.
356
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,877
Oh, wait a minute.
Uh, ALF, that's my new camera.
357
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:27,612
Uh, maybe I should
show you how it works.
358
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,714
If I can hot wire your car
359
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,783
I can certainly work a camera.
360
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,653
- You hot wired my--
- Will you stop talking?
361
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,488
You'll ruin the picture.
362
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,457
'Alright, come on,
everybody, get together.'
363
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,192
And ready!
364
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:45,163
One, two, three
365
00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:48,032
'four, five, six--'
366
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:49,534
What are you doing?
367
00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:51,469
On Melmac, we count to 21
368
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,438
before we take a picture.
369
00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:56,474
Come on, Lynn,
we'd better get going.
370
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:58,042
We don't want to keep
those judges waiting.
371
00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,844
Sweetheart, we're gonna be back
in two hours, alright?
372
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,547
If you have any problems,
you call Mrs. Ochmonek.
373
00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:04,649
- '..thirteen, fourteen..'
- Goodbye. Good luck.
374
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:07,652
- Thanks, Bri. Love you.
- '...fifteen, sixteen..'
375
00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:13,458
Seventeen, eighteen
nineteen, twenty, twenty one!
376
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,293
[camera clicks]
377
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,028
Perfect!
378
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,996
[instrumental music]
379
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:25,436
I wonder where they are?
It's been over two hours.
380
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,971
Well, why don't we
play another game?
381
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:30,675
- How about hide and seek?
- Yeah, why not?
382
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:33,277
Okay, close your eyes
and count to ten.
383
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,113
Right.
384
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,448
One, two
385
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,750
three, four
386
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:42,553
five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten.
387
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,056
Okay, Brian.
Try to find me.
388
00:18:45,058 --> 00:18:46,858
(Brian)
'You're supposed to find me!'
389
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,428
Well, where are you?
390
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,497
(Brian)
'You have to look for me.'
391
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:54,866
Why would I wanna do that?
392
00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:57,568
Haven't you ever played
hide and seek before?
393
00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:00,505
Yeah. There you are. I win.
394
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:04,575
- We're back!
- What happened?
395
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,577
- Where's your crown?
- The winner has it.
396
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:09,247
Well, get it back from her.
397
00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:12,517
ALF, Lynn didn't exactly win.
398
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,619
- Who beat you?
- Everybody.
399
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:16,187
The hair, huh?
400
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:18,389
ALF, I didn't lose
because of my hair.
401
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:20,791
And do you know that there
were four other clog dancers
402
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:23,294
including one girl
who flew in from the Ozarks?
403
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,062
Lynn, you did your best.
404
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:28,232
You should really
feel good about that.
405
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:31,536
I know. I just...I just,
I really thought I had a chance.
406
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:34,172
Look, the other girls just
had more experience than you.
407
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:37,175
They've probably entered dozens
of these contests.
408
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:41,145
I guess. You know, I just
feel bad about coming in last.
409
00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:45,550
Well, you know, if something
happens to those other 32 girls
410
00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:47,752
that crown goes to you.
411
00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:51,222
Thanks, dad.
I'll remember that.
412
00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:52,490
If you don't mind,
I'm just gonna go
413
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,258
into my room for a while.
414
00:19:57,163 --> 00:20:01,032
Gee. Maybe I should go
talk to her.
415
00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:04,001
I was the one
who entered her in this thing.
416
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:07,004
The least I could do is to try
to get rid of my guilt.
417
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,708
[instrumental music]
418
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,546
[doorknob rattling]
419
00:20:16,950 --> 00:20:19,550
It's locked, ALF. Go away.
420
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,485
(ALF)
'How'd you know it was me?'
421
00:20:21,487 --> 00:20:23,221
Everyone else knocks first.
422
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,224
[knocking on door]
423
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:29,126
Alright! Alright!
I am coming, ALF.
424
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:33,698
Now how did you know it was me?
425
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,868
Look, I don't think
I wanna talk right now.
426
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:41,772
You know, my Grandma Shumway
used to say that
427
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:45,109
people should
talk about their problems.
428
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:47,144
She was very wise.
429
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:48,746
She used to go around
warning people
430
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:51,682
that Melmac
was gonna blow up.
431
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:53,651
And she might have escaped
the explosion too
432
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,853
if we hadn't had her committed.
433
00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:58,856
Do you know I actually
got to the point
434
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,758
where I thought I might win?
435
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,426
Must have been nuts.
436
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:03,761
You would have won
437
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:06,330
if it weren't
for that crazy hairdo.
438
00:21:06,332 --> 00:21:08,733
It wasn't the hair.
439
00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:11,269
The other girls were gorgeous.
440
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:12,937
What are you talking about?
441
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:15,306
You were the prettiest
girl there.
442
00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:17,041
How do you know?
443
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:20,378
Well, because you're
the prettiest girl anywhere.
444
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:22,046
Come on.
445
00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:23,781
I mean it.
446
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:26,250
Lynn, I've been everywhere.
447
00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:28,619
From one end of the universe
to the other.
448
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:31,389
Through countless galaxies.
449
00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:33,224
And in all my travels
450
00:21:33,226 --> 00:21:36,260
I've never seen
a more beautiful girl
451
00:21:36,262 --> 00:21:37,762
than you.
452
00:21:40,733 --> 00:21:42,133
Thanks, ALF.
453
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:45,169
[clears throat]
454
00:21:45,171 --> 00:21:46,604
Dad.
455
00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:48,606
Furball, Willie?
456
00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:49,907
Yeah.
457
00:21:49,909 --> 00:21:54,245
ALF...that was very nice.
458
00:21:54,247 --> 00:21:57,982
- Hey, it's the truth.
- I know.
459
00:21:57,984 --> 00:22:01,118
I was just coming in
to tell Lynn the same thing.
460
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:02,486
Dad..
461
00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,655
Well, ALF's right, you know.
462
00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:06,357
You should have won.
463
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:09,960
My clog went flying across
the stage.
464
00:22:09,962 --> 00:22:11,028
So what?
465
00:22:11,030 --> 00:22:13,731
Yeah. As long as
no one was killed.
466
00:22:14,901 --> 00:22:17,435
Look, I don't know
what sort of a scoring system
467
00:22:17,437 --> 00:22:18,703
those judges were using
468
00:22:18,705 --> 00:22:20,404
but I do know
they didn't judge you
469
00:22:20,406 --> 00:22:22,239
on any of the important things.
470
00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:25,976
- Like what?
- Like who you really are.
471
00:22:25,978 --> 00:22:29,180
A girl who's warm and caring
472
00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:32,750
and...who we love.
473
00:22:32,752 --> 00:22:35,853
So as far as I'm concerned,
you won that contest.
474
00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:39,056
I don't think anyone
else even came close.
475
00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:42,827
- Thanks, daddy.
- Yeah.
476
00:22:43,629 --> 00:22:45,763
This is beautiful.
477
00:22:45,765 --> 00:22:48,632
Don't move.
I'll go get the camera.
478
00:22:48,634 --> 00:22:52,536
ALF, it takes you forever
to take a picture.
479
00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:55,306
Don't worry.
I'll start counting now.
480
00:22:55,308 --> 00:22:57,475
One, two, three
481
00:22:57,477 --> 00:22:59,443
'four, five..'
482
00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,314
[instrumental music]
483
00:23:03,316 --> 00:23:05,449
- Hi, ALF!
- Hi.
484
00:23:05,451 --> 00:23:08,486
Hey, Kate.
Do you think I'm good-looking?
485
00:23:10,189 --> 00:23:11,722
Yeah, sure.
486
00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:13,691
Well, if you were my age
487
00:23:13,693 --> 00:23:16,160
would you go out with me?
488
00:23:16,162 --> 00:23:18,562
Well, if I were your age,
and, uh, if I weren't married
489
00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:23,434
and if we were
the same species...I guess so.
490
00:23:23,436 --> 00:23:25,870
Yeah? Where would we go?
491
00:23:25,872 --> 00:23:28,406
I don't know.
How-how about a "Rocky" film?
492
00:23:28,408 --> 00:23:30,040
Nah, he hasn't been funny
493
00:23:30,042 --> 00:23:32,376
since he broke up
with Bullwinkle.
494
00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:36,981
What else you got?
495
00:23:36,983 --> 00:23:38,883
That was it, ALF.
496
00:23:38,885 --> 00:23:40,851
You know, it doesn't sound like
you put much thought
497
00:23:40,853 --> 00:23:42,820
into this date.
498
00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:44,722
That's because I haven't.
499
00:23:44,724 --> 00:23:48,192
Well, fine! Why don't we just
forget the whole thing, okay?
500
00:23:49,495 --> 00:23:51,495
- Fine with me.
- Fine.
501
00:23:52,832 --> 00:23:55,232
Probably wouldn't have
worked out anyway.
502
00:23:55,234 --> 00:23:57,301
People would have just stared.
503
00:24:00,039 --> 00:24:02,039
[instrumental music]
504
00:24:04,310 --> 00:24:06,410
[theme music]
505
00:24:31,537 --> 00:24:33,471
[ALF laughing]
40059
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