Original subtitles

(man on TV) 'And our next contestant is Miss Tasmania.'

'Okay, Miss Tasmania, your question is'

'what do you say to people who claim'

'you're merely a beautiful face and body'

'without a brain?'

(Miss Tasmania) 'Thank you.'

[audience applauding]

What are you watching?

I think it's a United Nations meeting.

That's not the United Nations.

- It's a beauty pageant. - Are you sure?

A minute ago, they asked the ambassador from Spain

"What she would do for world peace?"

She's not the ambassador. She's a contestant.

Oh. Well, I guess that explains why the ambassador from Sweden

was juggling.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[audience applauding on TV]

On Melmac, the judges paraded around in swimsuits

while the contestants sat in the audience.

Well, why were the judges in swimsuits

and not the contestants?

The judges had better bodies.

Hey, Kate. I'd like to see you do that.

Plate spinning was never my sport.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Hey, you're home early. Where's Rick?

Yeah, where's that jerk with the earring?

He's still at the dance.

- Honey, is something wrong? - No-no, nothing is wrong.

[crying]

Lynn, what's the matter?

ALF, will you turn that thing off?

But it's the losers' production number.

ALF, can't you see that Lynnie is upset?

Oh. Sorry.

Lynn, what happened?

Rick and I were at the dance.

We're having a really good time

and then Cindy Bennett showed up.

And Rick asked me if he could dance with her.

So I said, "I suppose."

So, he danced with her, the whole night!

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Cindy Bennett.

Is that that blonde cheerleader in your yearbook?

Yeah.

Wow!

I mean, she's not as pretty as you.

Rick's a jerk for doing what he did.

You know, I don't even blame him. Cindy is gorgeous.

Any guy would want her instead of me.

- Oh, Lynn, that's not true. - Yes, it is.

Oh, honey, I know that you're upset

but you know, these kind of things happen all the time.

Great, you've given me a lot to look forward to.

That's not what I meant.

Let-let me tell you a little story

that might make you feel better.

When I was in high school, I was at this dance

and this really cute-looking guy came over

and started talking to me.

Well, we spent the whole evening together.

It was wonderful until I found out

that he had left his date to be with me.

And?

And even though I kept dating him

I always felt that what he did was wrong.

Thanks, mom.

- I feel much better now. - Sorry.

Excuse me but what happened to the girl who got dumped?

It's not important.

Well, not to you. You got your guy.

I think what your mother is trying to say in her own..

...special way..

...is that, you know..

...you're too good for Rick.

Well, I didn't get that at all.

It sounds to me like she's being punished

for something Kate did.

Don't you have a pageant to watch?

I'm trying to help Lynn.

Well, you're not. Watch your TV show.

Fine! If you need me, Lynn, I'm here for you.

Mom.

Do you think I'm pretty?

Oh. Well, of course, you are.

You are a beautiful young girl.

You have to say that, you're my mother.

Dad, if you were my age, would you ask me out?

Well, if I were your age and you weren't my daughter

and if I weren't married and if I had a car back then--

See? Dad won't even ask me out.

- Willie.. - Of course, I would.

Lynn, you're a wonderful girl.

You've got a great personality.

Thanks, dad. That's the kiss of death.

Lynnie.

I suppose you're gonna blame me for this.

No, of course not. This isn't your fault.

I know. I just wanted to hear you say it.

Watch your pageant.

[audience applauding on TV]

Oh, hey, look! There's John Candy.

No, wait, that's Miss Bulgaria.

Alright, what do you give me for a Mickey Mackerel card?

What are you guys doing?

Trading bouillabaisseball cards.

What's bouillabaisseball?

It's baseball in Melmac.

Instead of a ball they throw fish guts.

Fish parts.

The guts are sold at the concession stand.

Sorry I asked.

These are neat. Did they come with bubble gum too?

Yeah, two flavors Tabby and Persian.

[telephone rings]

Hello? Yes?

The Miss Southland Pageant?

I-I'm sorry. I'm afraid you must have the wrong number.

No, that's for me.

You'll have to excuse Aunt Sophie.

Sometimes she's here

and sometimes we don't know where she is.

What's ALF doing?

I think that he's entered a beauty pageant.

Shh!

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Oh, great!

Yeah, no problem!

Thanks. Ta-ta.

Are you gonna be Miss Southland?

No, unfortunately, the contest isn't open

to professional models.

I entered Lynn.

What?

Hold that thought, Kate.

You're wearing that?

There's a dress code for taking out the garbage?

Brian, take it out for her.

Our little beauty shouldn't be seen carrying trash.

She was ugly enough to take it out yesterday.

- I'll give you a dollar. - Okay.

You owe Brian a dollar. Lynn, you should change.

The lady from Miss Southland will be here any minute.

- What are you talking about? - Connect the dots here.

I entered you in the Miss Southland pageant.

What? ALF, why would you do something like that?

Well, isn't it obvious?

Tell her why, Kate.

Because, he's an idiot!

Thanks for clearing that up.

Lynn, I saw how upset you were after that dance thing.

And I figured if you won this contest..

Hey, you'd feel better about yourself.

But why didn't you ask me first?

I was afraid you might say no.

You were right.

See, Kate, I'm not an idiot!

I'm not entering the contest, ALF.

But, you'll win!

ALF, I want you to call the pageant people

right this minute. Tell them that Lynn is withdrawing.

See, even my own mother knows I wouldn't have a chance.

Oh, real supportive, Kate.

Honey, that's not what I meant.

Look, I'm not exactly beauty contest material.

Sure you are! Hey!

You should have heard what they thought about your picture.

What picture?

The one from your sweet 16 party.

Oh, ALF, I looked terrible in that picture!

I still had my braces on.

Don't worry. I whited them out!

Oh, great.

Now, before the contest coordinator gets here

I think we should go over your application.

What application?

The one on the desk.

ALF, why did you say my talent was clog dancing?

Well, it's not singing. I've heard you do that.

I have never clog danced in my life!

Oh, it's easy. I mean, what do you do?

You just clog up a sink and dance around it, right?

ALF, you don't clog up a sink to clog dance.

Then, what's the name of the dance

where you do clog up a sink?

There isn't one.

Well, I suggest we call it the funky ALF.

I'm not sending in that application.

Well, too late. They already have a copy.

Forget the contest, ALF.

Fine, give up the scholarship.

- Scholarship? - Give up the car!

Car?

What kind of a car?

Well, I'll give you a hint.

It's spelled with a Z.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to meet this woman.

I think I'll go change.

ALF, just what kind of car is this?

Used. That's spelled with a Z, isn't it?

[instrumental music]

And that's not all that beauty pageants have to offer.

They also teach you about life, help you develop poise

and they lead to lots and lots of wonderful opportunities.

In fact many of our girls have gone on to become hostesses.

Not-not waitresses, mind you. But hostesses.

Oh.

Of course I can't promise you will become a hostess.

I won't get my hopes up.

Listen, do you really think I have a chance of winning.

Well, of course you do. Oh, you're such a pretty girl.

And you have such a lovely smile.

Although it doesn't seem quite as bright

as it does in your picture.

Oh, Lynn's built up a bit of plaque since then.

I see.

Oh, before I forget, it says on your application

that you're a clog dancer.

Do you need any special equipment for that?

No. You just clog up a sink and I'll dance around it.

What?

[laughing]

Oh, oh, you're just joking.

[chuckling] Ah, there's never a dull moment with ol' Lynn around.

Well, I guess I have all the information I need.

I'd better be going.

I start my shift in half an hour

and customers won't know where to sit if I'm not there.

Oh, Miss Bartley, before you go

can I ask you a question?

If I don't win is there some sort of a consolation prize?

Oh, yes, each contest wins a copy of the Miss Southland

home game and a big pumice stone.

Oh, then I guess I can't lose.

Right. Have a pretty day. Bye.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

Well, what do you think?

Well, now that we know her, she might give us a good table

at the pizza bar.

No, no, I mean what do you think about me entering the pageant?

Well, Lynn, you're not really considering it, are you?

Sure, why not?

Well, I don't know, I-I guess I always thought

that beauty pageants were demeaning to women.

Well, maybe you're right, Willie

but one contest isn't gonna hurt her

as long as she doesn't take it too seriously.

You're not gonna take it too seriously, are you?

Mom, I'm clog dancing for a pumice stone.

How serious can I be?

I guess it could be fun, maybe even a learning experience.

- There's nothing to lose. - Just the registration fee.

- How much? - $200.

I guess you know what my reaction's going to be.

Yeah, but I don't think I care to hear it.

[instrumental music]

Come on! Keep those clogs moving!

That's it! Pretend you're mashing boll weevils.

ALF, we're not getting anywhere here.

Sure we are.

A week ago, we didn't even know what clog dancing was.

Now, we're both sick to death of it.

That's it. I'm taking a rest.

[music stops]

There's no time!

We only have six hours until the pageant.

My feet are killing me.

Alright. Alright.

We can work on your saccharine smile, instead.

No! No, please, no more smiling. My face is gonna lock up.

Great!

ALF, you're taking this thing way too seriously.

- I wanted it to be fun. - Hey, you know what's fun?

Cramming for the interview segment.

Now I jotted down a few things that the judges might ask.

Oh, no.

Let's start with the As.

"What do Americans and Australians have in common?"

I don't know.

Alright. I'll give you this one.

They both want world peace.

Question number two.

"What do Americans and Albanians have in common?"

They both want world peace?

Very good.

Question number three.

- "What do Americans--" - ALF!

I don't want to go through a zillion questions

that are all the same.

You don't want to do anything, do you?

Why do I even try?

I mean, I go out of my way to help someone

through a rough period and do they appreciate it?

No, they just complain.

You know, maybe Dear Abby was right.

Maybe I do care too much.

Alright, ALF, what's the next question?

- Are you sure this time? - Yes.

Okay.

"What do Americans and Alpha Centaurians have in common?"

- They both want world peace. - No! Eaah! Wrong!

The Alpha Centaurians have world peace.

- What they want is shoes. - Shoes.

Come on, now. Think before you answer.

Question number four. "What do Americans.."

I don't believe this, 96 stations, and not one of them

is carrying the Miss Southland pageant.

- Well, what do you think? - Oh, Lynn!

You look...stunning!

Thanks, daddy.

Brian, don't you think your sister looks pretty?

If I say yes, am I gonna have to take out the garbage?

- No. - Then I guess she's pretty.

Thanks, Bri.

So, dad, do you really think I have a chance?

Are you kidding? You'll do great.

Now, is this the same Willie who said that beauty pageants

were demeaning to women?

Yeah, but that Willie didn't have a daughter

who's going to win!

ALF, you haven't said anything,

Please, Kate, don't spoil the moment.

What do you think, ALF?

Well, as Grandma Shumway used to tell me

"If you don't have anything nice to say to someone

don't say anything at all."

Then she never spoke to me again.

You don't think I look good?

Well, not as good as you usually do.

- What do you mean? - Let's take it from the top.

Your hair. What happened to it?

I got a permanent.

You mean, it's gonna look like that forever?

[chuckling] No, no, just till it grows out.

Yeah, that's what they said about

this orange dye job of mine.

And that dress.

You look like you're 22 years old.

I was hoping for 25.

Why don't you go the distance and try to look as old as Kate?

You're gonna go the distance, out the door.

ALF, we think she looks nice.

I do too, but she's lost that natural glow.

Now she just looks..

...glamorous.

I'll take that as a compliment.

You know, maybe it's the makeup and everything

but I really think that maybe I do have a chance.

You know, I wanted to take a photo of you guys

but now I don't know if I could fit all of Lynn's hair in it.

- Well, let's give it a shot. - Oh, good idea. Come on, Bri.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Right over here.

Oh, wait a minute. Uh, ALF, that's my new camera.

Uh, maybe I should show you how it works.

If I can hot wire your car

I can certainly work a camera.

- You hot wired my-- - Will you stop talking?

You'll ruin the picture.

'Alright, come on, everybody, get together.'

And ready!

One, two, three

'four, five, six--'

What are you doing?

On Melmac, we count to 21

before we take a picture.

Come on, Lynn, we'd better get going.

We don't want to keep those judges waiting.

Sweetheart, we're gonna be back in two hours, alright?

If you have any problems, you call Mrs. Ochmonek.

- '..thirteen, fourteen..' - Goodbye. Good luck.

- Thanks, Bri. Love you. - '...fifteen, sixteen..'

Seventeen, eighteen nineteen, twenty, twenty one!

[camera clicks]

Perfect!

[instrumental music]

I wonder where they are? It's been over two hours.

Well, why don't we play another game?

- How about hide and seek? - Yeah, why not?

Okay, close your eyes and count to ten.

Right.

One, two

three, four

five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Okay, Brian. Try to find me.

(Brian) 'You're supposed to find me!'

Well, where are you?

(Brian) 'You have to look for me.'

Why would I wanna do that?

Haven't you ever played hide and seek before?

Yeah. There you are. I win.

- We're back! - What happened?

- Where's your crown? - The winner has it.

Well, get it back from her.

ALF, Lynn didn't exactly win.

- Who beat you? - Everybody.

The hair, huh?

ALF, I didn't lose because of my hair.

And do you know that there were four other clog dancers

including one girl who flew in from the Ozarks?

Lynn, you did your best.

You should really feel good about that.

I know. I just...I just, I really thought I had a chance.

Look, the other girls just had more experience than you.

They've probably entered dozens of these contests.

I guess. You know, I just feel bad about coming in last.

Well, you know, if something happens to those other 32 girls

that crown goes to you.

Thanks, dad. I'll remember that.

If you don't mind, I'm just gonna go

into my room for a while.

Gee. Maybe I should go talk to her.

I was the one who entered her in this thing.

The least I could do is to try to get rid of my guilt.

[instrumental music]

[doorknob rattling]

It's locked, ALF. Go away.

(ALF) 'How'd you know it was me?'

Everyone else knocks first.

[knocking on door]

Alright! Alright! I am coming, ALF.

Now how did you know it was me?

Look, I don't think I wanna talk right now.

You know, my Grandma Shumway used to say that

people should talk about their problems.

She was very wise.

She used to go around warning people

that Melmac was gonna blow up.

And she might have escaped the explosion too

if we hadn't had her committed.

Do you know I actually got to the point

where I thought I might win?

Must have been nuts.

You would have won

if it weren't for that crazy hairdo.

It wasn't the hair.

The other girls were gorgeous.

What are you talking about?

You were the prettiest girl there.

How do you know?

Well, because you're the prettiest girl anywhere.

Come on.

I mean it.

Lynn, I've been everywhere.

From one end of the universe to the other.

Through countless galaxies.

And in all my travels

I've never seen a more beautiful girl

than you.

Thanks, ALF.

[clears throat]

Dad.

Furball, Willie?

Yeah.

ALF...that was very nice.

- Hey, it's the truth. - I know.

I was just coming in to tell Lynn the same thing.

Dad..

Well, ALF's right, you know.

You should have won.

My clog went flying across the stage.

So what?

Yeah. As long as no one was killed.

Look, I don't know what sort of a scoring system

those judges were using

but I do know they didn't judge you

on any of the important things.

- Like what? - Like who you really are.

A girl who's warm and caring

and...who we love.

So as far as I'm concerned, you won that contest.

I don't think anyone else even came close.

- Thanks, daddy. - Yeah.

This is beautiful.

Don't move. I'll go get the camera.

ALF, it takes you forever to take a picture.

Don't worry. I'll start counting now.

One, two, three

'four, five..'

[instrumental music]

- Hi, ALF! - Hi.

Hey, Kate. Do you think I'm good-looking?

Yeah, sure.

Well, if you were my age

would you go out with me?

Well, if I were your age, and, uh, if I weren't married

and if we were the same species...I guess so.

Yeah? Where would we go?

I don't know. How-how about a "Rocky" film?

Nah, he hasn't been funny

since he broke up with Bullwinkle.

What else you got?

That was it, ALF.

You know, it doesn't sound like you put much thought

into this date.

That's because I haven't.

Well, fine! Why don't we just forget the whole thing, okay?

- Fine with me. - Fine.

Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.

People would have just stared.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]