Original subtitles

Now I ask you, is this a pirate, or is this a pirate?

Hmm.

(Kate) 'Lynnie?'

Oh. It's a pirate, mom.

- Willie? - Uh, definitely a pirate.

Good morning.

What are you wearing?

Touch of your aftershave.

No, I meant those silly glasses.

Silly glasses? Look who's talking.

This is my Halloween costume.

What are you supposed to be?

Gene Shalit.

Too obscure?

You're not planning on going trick-or-treating, are you?

Are you kidding? I can't wait.

I'm gonna come back with a bag full of candy apples

popcorn balls and cats.

ALF, no one's gonna give you a cat.

Well, that's right. You have to bob for cats.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

What's the matter?

Oh, I-I can't sleep.

It's my job promotion. I-I think I blew it.

What? Honey, how?

Well, today Mr. Burke took me off

that teen runaway project I was working on.

I was working on that project for three months!

- You're kidding! - No, honey.

He needs me, he says, for an internal investigation.

So I have to go through all the requisition files

and see if I can locate his missing water cooler.

Well, I hope you yelled at him.

I sure did.

But I think I can kiss that promotion..

...goodbye.

Oh, honey, you can kiss me goodnight.

I'm proud of you.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

[both chuckle]

Oh, good, you're up.

Get out of here!

Not until we get this Halloween thing straightened out.

[sighs] We already said no, ALF.

You cannot go out trick-or-treating for candy.

Forget that fear of cavities, Kate.

I brush once a month, like clockwork.

We're not talking about cavities, ALF.

We're talking about somebody seeing you.

Come on, Will-height

this body is the perfect Halloween costume.

Besides I have to get out and see new faces.

Why you ask?

I didn't ask why.

- Well, would you? - Why?

Why what?

Why do you have to get out and see new faces?

Why the third degree? I just want to go trick-or-treating.

You can't, ALF, it's too dangerous.

Then you leave me no choice.

Read it and weep.

"Free the Halloween one?"

It's a petition signed by America's

most prominent citizens.

"We demand that you let ALF go trick-or-treating.

"Signed Presidents Reagan, Carter, Ford, Lincoln..

...and Mercury."

This is your handwriting.

Hey, it's a joke, man.

My way of saying, let the funny little alien

have a crack at the outside world

for one lousy night!

No.

Alright, I'm taking this to the supreme court.

All the way to Chief Justice Pontiac, I suppose.

Look, look, I'll make you a deal.

You let me go out for Halloween

and I'll tell you how you could still get that promotion.

How do you know about that?

The amazing ALF knows everything.

Was the amazing ALF listening at our door again?

The amazing ALF never reveals his secrets.

Anyway, what we have to do here

is dig up some dirt on your boss.

Does he steal from the company? Go to the salad bar illegally?

Chew with his mouth open?

- You chew with your mouth open. - Oh, smart, Willie.

Dig up dirt on me. I can't give you that promotion.

Goodnight, ALF.

Alright, alright, wait. Forget the dirt.

Get the bossman to like you again.

Invite him to a party and butter him up.

I'm not gonna give a party to butter up my boss.

Who do you think I am, Dagwood Bumstead?

Think very carefully..

...before you answer that.

Oh, Willie, a-a party might be fun.

I can't think of the last time that we had a party.

I mean, our social lives kinda gone to pot since..

...since you-know-who arrived.

- Who? - You.

You mean all those times you complained

about you-know-who, it was me?

So what do you say, honey?

Let's have a party and have a few people over.

Oh, okay, but not my boss.

I'll handle Mr. Burke myself

in...my own way.

Oh, good thinking.

Have a party and exclude the boss.

Better yet, walk in tomorrow morning and hit him with mud.

Oh, brother.

[doorbell rings]

- Trick or treat? - Trick or treat?

Oh, what do we have here?

We are The Three Stooges.

Three?

Well, Moe had to go to the bathroom.

Oh.

Well, here, and, uh, take one for Moe.

- Thank you. - Happy Halloween.

- Happy Halloween. - Happy Halloween.

(both) Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck..

- More Stooges? - 'Yeah.'

Okay, now where is ALF?

Oh, he's, uh, he's in the garage.

Say, Kate, the house looks great.

Of course, that's probably because ALF's in the garage.

Honey, do you think that I made enough punch for 12?

To drink or to bathe in?

[doorbell rings]

(Brian) 'Trick or treat?'

(Lynn) 'Oh, Brian, just open the door.'

(Kate) 'Oh, Blackbeard is home!'

And look, will you

look at all that booty!

Ar-r-rah!

I wanna go out again.

Brian, we went to 32 houses.

Yeah, in eight minutes.

Well, I had to get back to change for the party.

Lizard will be here any minute.

Lizard?

You heard that too?

What-what kind of name is Lizard?

I have a friend in school called frog.

Well, why do they call him that?

Because he's a frog.

Makes sense.

I gotta go in the garage, I gotta give ALF

his share of the candy.

Seventy percent.

Seventy percent is a lot.

He wanted ninety!

We have a daughter dating a lizard

and an alien shaking down our son for candy.

Let's party.

Whoa!

Yeah!

Great haul, Brian.

Thanks.

I'll guard these.

You get back in the house.

The party's gonna start soon.

Oh, but I hate parties.

Everyone pats me on the head

and says I'm growing up too fast.

Cut the small talk! Let's divide up the loot.

Okay, one for you. One for me.

One for you.

One for me.

One for me.

One for me.

Not so fast, me bucko!

You are growing up too fast.

We'll do this right.

One for me.

One for you.

- Did you see ALF? - Yeah.

And I still have some candy left.

He must be losing his touch.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll get it.

- Hi, Lynn. - Hi, Lizard.

Mom, dad, this is Lizard.

Hello, Lizard.

Oh, no, uh, you can call me Eric.

You see, he got his nickname in Biology class

because he removed a brain tumor from a lizard.

Now it's as good as new.

Yeah, well, not really.

It can only, uh, flick its tongue to the left.

Very good. Even so that's really quite an achievement.

Oh, tell them about the iguana.

- Nah. - Tell 'em.

Ah, nothin', you know, it's just a simple bypass surgery.

You must be very good at Biology.

Were you, were you thinking of becoming a surgeon?

Yeah, I thought about it but, uh, Quantum Physics

is my first love.

Young man, you may not only date my daughter

you may have her hand in marriage.

- Oh. - Dad.

[laughing]

(Kate) So glad you're here.

Howdy, partner.

- 'Hey!' - Hey-hey, Ed.

- Bernice. - Hi!

Look at you guys.

- You're wearing costumes. - Yeah.

But we call them duds.

Well, um, why don't we mosey on over

and rustle up some brie.

[doorbell rings]

- Hello. - Who are you?

We're the Burkes.

Kate, it's my boss.

This must be Brian.

You're growing up too fast.

That's it. I'm going to bed.

Did you invite them?

- Of course not! - Well, why is he here then?

And why are they wearing costumes?

Maybe they're just trick-or-treating.

What-what am I supposed to do?

Offer them a peanut butter cup

and send them on their way?

- 'Hello, Tanner.' - Hello.

Thank you for inviting us.

Well, you're welcome, Your Majesties.

Uh, w-won't you make yourself at home?

Our castle is your castle.

[doorbell rings]

How come you told me this was a costume party?

Because that's what the invitation said.

Make yourself at home, won't you?

Kate..

...uh, somebody seems to have

invited the Burkes and also told all these people

that they should be wearing costumes.

Now, I don't know who that was, or why he did it

but I'm gonna go into the garage and strangle him.

[doorbell rings]

Kate, Willie!

Gordon Shumway.

Long time no see.

Oh, hope you don't mind, Willie. I parked behind your boss.

Hey, how are you folks? Hey, you look good in vinyl.

How you doing? Nice to meet you.

Hey, happy Halloween everybody!

(all) Happy Halloween!

Say, what are you..

...doing here?

Greeting the guests. Hey, tex!

Looks like you're putting on a little weight there, huh?

Ha, ha, ha!

Could I speak with you in the kitchen

just for a moment?

Hey, not now, Willie.

Your pumpkin's on fire.

Hah! His pumpkin's on fire!

Come here!

Well, who is this little guy?

Oh, this is Gordon, everyone.

Gordon's an old friend of our family.

Bernice, uh, don't mention his height.

He's very sensitive.

Hey, cowgirl, nice calves.

Hah! Nice calves!

[laughs]

- Easy. - Oh!

Okay, mister, I want the truth!

And I want it now!

Alright.

Your hair is thinning.

You got a hold of our guest list, didn't you?

You called those people

and told them to wear costumes

just so you could come.

You dragged me in here to tell me things I already know?

On top of that, you invited the Burkes!

Again, old news.

Just...tell me why.

Because I really want you to get that promotion.

Now-now get out there and start kissing up.

[kissing]

I'm not kissing up to anyone.

Especially, not Walter Burke!

I knew you wouldn't.

That's why I'm here to do it for you.

Oh, Wally! Wally!

No, wait! Wait.

You can't go out there.

What if they discover that you're an alien?

They won't! They'll think I'm wearing a costume.

See?

Where-where did you get that zipper?

Well, you know that old jacket that you were gonna throw out?

- Yeah. - Better hang on to it.

I ripped this out of your new raincoat.

Alright, go on. Go out there.

I don't care. Go on. Fine with me!

Blow your cover, that's fine! Just do me one favor.

Okay, okay. I'll do my Elvis impression.

Please, keep away from my boss.

No problem. He seems like a yutz, anyway.

(ALF) 'Okay, everybody, let's tear this place apart.'

- Hi. Come in. - Hi.

Mom, look who's here.

[laughing]

Well, that's a pretty funny costume you got yourself, Gordo.

What are those? Warts?

Hey, time for that eye exam there, Edsel!

Those are beauty marks!

[laughing]

What are you supposed to be, exactly?

An alien, from the planet Melmac!

He's just kidding.

Yeah! Everyone knows that Melmacians don't have zippers!

[laughing]

Oh, I kill me. Ha!

Mom says that we're out of onion dip

and we need more meatballs, and how do you like Lizard?

I like him.

He's intelligent, he's polite

he's well-groomed.

Does he have a van?

No.

I love him.

What's ALF doing?

Oh, his Elvis impression.

¶ And on a cold and gray Chicago morning.. ¶¶

Lynn..

...you are missing..

..."In The Ghetto."

Oh, my favorite.

We don't lead a normal life.

[applauding]

Well, thank you.

Thank you very much, ladies.

I'd like to dedicate that last song

to my hunk of burning love, Bernice.

Oh, Elvis!

Love me tender.

I will, momma.

Uh, but now, excuse me.

I've got to work the room.

¶ Oh ho ¶

¶ Oh hoo ¶¶

Oh, ha-ha! Yeah.

Hey-hey, so what did you think there, Liz?

Whoo! The king lives.

Thanks. Hey, science question.

If there were such a thing as an alien life form

what do you think he'd be like?

- Huh? - Come on, what are you, deaf?

I'm trying to get some insight.

You're an egghead, aren't you?

Yeah, I do well scholastically, if that's what you mean.

Yeah, right. What about aliens?

They'd probably have highly developed brains

and be very advanced.

Well, thank you.

Oh, good, more food.

Sorry, Gordo.

We weren't expecting this many guests.

Well, you're telling me.

Your boss eats like he's going to the chair.

Incidentally, how's the, uh..

[kissing]

...kissing up going?

I'm not kissing up to anyone.

I haven't done anything wrong.

Play hardball. I like it.

[humming]

Hi.

Oh, you mind if I take one of these?

Hey, why hold back now?

I can't believe it.

ALF is actually going to put

a lamp shade on his head.

That is probably the corniest party gag there is.

[people laughing]

But somehow he makes it work.

He's the life...of this party.

Even Walter Burke is having a good time.

Honey, you might get that promotion after all.

Sounds like ALF might get the promotion.

I don't wanna work for ALF.

We already do.

(in unison) Gordo! Gordo! Gordo!

Gordo! Gordo! Gordo!

Gordo! Go! Go! Go!

[all cheering]

Hey, thank you.

You know, we couldn't do this back home.

Of course, we didn't have any gravity.

'Ha! Ha!'

Hey, just kidding, Tanners.

'Ha! Alright, who's next?'

Who's next? Uh, hey, how about Walter Burke?

- Oh, no. - Yeah!

No, no, no.

- Not Walter! - 'Walter!'

- 'Not Walter!' - Walter!

- Not Walter! - 'Walter! Walter!'

Come on, Walter. Give it a try.

No, I got this.. What about my bad back, huh?

Oh, go for it. It-it's Halloween.

- 'Yeah.' - Yeah, what are you, a wuss?

- 'Come on, Walter.' - 'Come on, Walter!'

- Yay! - Be a man!

- Yes! - Alright.

- Come on! - Alright, alright.

(in unison) And go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

(Walter) Ow! Oh..

- 'Oh, my God.' - 'Oh.'

Mr. Burke, are you alright?

Just get me to a hard, flat surface.

Hey, don't expect high marks on technique, Wally.

[indistinct chatter]

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

[sighs]

Lizard, isn't there anything you can do?

Hmm, I-I could remove his brain.

Gordo, be careful.

I know what I'm doing.

Ahh. Feels good.

- It does? - Yeah.

Go figure.

May I use the phone?

I-I wanna call Walter's doctor.

Is it a local call?

Gordo! I'll show you where it is, Felicia.

Leave 20 cents on the night table.

Ah, Gordo..

...how can I thank you?

Easy!

Bury the hatchet and give Willie that promotion.

We both know he's the best man for the job.

He's intelligent, hard-working, honest--

ALF.

Bad with names.

It's Gordo, remember?

I think Mr. Burke's heard quite enough from you.

You're right. It's your turn.

Go ahead, Willie. Be obsequious.

I have nothing to be obsequious about.

I was taken away from an important project

to look for some stupid water cooler!

- You're still mad about that? - You bet I am.

You took away something I'd worked on for three months

because you didn't happen to like tap water.

Willie, maybe I should define obsequious for you.

It means to grovel.

I will not grovel.

I never knew how strongly you felt.

Alright, you can have your project back.

- I can? - 'Yes.'

Well, thanks.

I guess that settles that.

Hey, wait a minute! Loose end here.

What about the promotion?

Uh, the promotion's a whole separate issue.

We can discuss that later.

What better time? He's in pain.

We can get anything we want.

We'll discuss the promotion at another time.

It's alright, Tanner. You've got your promotion.

I never felt otherwise.

Oh, good.

- Would you get me more ice? - Yes, sure.

And this time would you put it in a glass with a little scotch?

You know, as long as you're here, Burke

there's a few other things Willie needs.

Like what?

Well, let's talk parking spaces.

Willie has a parking space.

Yeah, but it's not close enough.

And I understand his office doesn't even have a window.

Well, neither does mine.

That's your problem.

And Willie's not nuts about that guy

that works next to him.

Uh, what's his name? Uh--

- Simmons? - Yeah, yeah, Simmons.

That's the guy.

He's not pulling his weight.

Get rid of him!

There's a parking space right there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, and let's talk overtime.

Overtime?

OT. Yeah!

Overtime.

Willie's working too hard.

I mean, he doesn't get home

till 7:30-8 o'clock at night I hear.

I mean, what are you guys doing down there?

Give the guy a break!

How's your back?

Come on, Willie.

No, ALF, uh, it's too risky!

I think we'd better go.

Hey, you owe me.

After all, I got you an office with a window.

But I liked Simmons.

I really did.

Trick or treat? Trick or treat?

ALF, your voice!

You're supposed to be a child.

Right. No problem.

Hello, young man.

Hello, old woman.

We're terribly sorry to bother you so late

but we-we couldn't get out any earlier.

Oh, well, I'm afraid that I gave

my last candy bar away over an hour ago.

Aw, shucks.

Well, I'll see if I can find something else.

[cats mewing]

Was that a cat?

Oh, yes, I have lots of cats.

Well, I'll take a yellow one.

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]