Original subtitles

Hey, Kate, get a load of this.

A stamp, commemorating some guy walking on the moon.

ALF, it was one of mankind's greatest moments.

Big deal!

I was the first Melmacian to wash my hands before eating.

Nobody put me on a stamp.

Maybe you should've used soap.

Ha. Ha.

- Hi, guys. - Hi, honey.

Oh, good, you're home. What did you bring me?

Nothing.

That's the same thing you brought me yesterday.

I left your dinner in the oven, hon.

Unguarded?

You wouldn't have liked it.

The veal was nearly inedible.

ALF!

Next time, try an overnight marinade.

I'll make you a sandwich..

...if there's any bread left!

I think there's half a raisin bagel.

Yo, Wilkins, how much do you want to give to the monks?

What monks?

We got an appeal from

the Brothers of the Peaceful Dominion.

That's my checkbook.

Yeah, they're your checks.

Don't worry. I'm using your signature.

I've even mastered that effeminate loop

you put on your capital T.

As long as these checks are in my name

I'll be the one who decides who the money goes to.

And my loops are not effeminate..

...they're decorative

Well, we're in a mood.

[theme music]

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[music continues]

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[instrumental music]

Hold still, Bri.

I don't wanna stick you.

You look great, B.

Sort of like the Pope's son.

I'm in a play at school.

I'm Friar Tuck.

One of Robin Hood's merry men.

No kidding.

We had a Robin Hood on Melmac.

Did he take from the rich and give to the poor?

No, he just robbed the hoods off people's cars.

Honey, please. ALF, would you leave us alone?

Fine. I'll go bother Lynn.

What's all this stuff?

Oh, it's a project for my sociology class.

I'm putting together our family tree.

Well, who chopped it down?

Was it me again?

It is not that kind of a tree.

See, look it shows all of our ancestors

who they married and who their kids were.

Each relative is a branch.

Except your Grandma Dorothy.

She's a nut.

[laughing]

Watch it.

Hey, it is not like she's here.

You can find out some really interesting stuff this way.

Like seeing a picture of your mother wearing lipstick

when she was 14.

Which you yourself was not allowed

to wear until you were 16.

I had chapped lips.

You had chapped eyelids too?

ALF, why don't you make a family tree?

Yeah, it's really a fun way to remember your ancestors.

Well, I don't remember much.

My father was always breaking things.

And my mother sat around eating all day.

It's amazing you turned out so well.

Thanks, but sometimes I do blow my nose on the wrong towel.

What?

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Ah!

I can see why your spaceship crashed.

You were over the weight limit for luggage.

Well, gee, Willie, why didn't you ask for help?

I did.

You said no.

If you'd only used the magic word "Please."

Oh, hey, this is all I need for my family tree.

You can put the boxes back.

Forget it.

What's in these things anyway?

These boxes all contain

the remnants of a vanished civilization.

A people whose culture and intellect

were unsurpassed in the known universe.

Dashboard dice?

Dashboard?

What a great place for those!

Hey, Kate, guess where these are going?

In the garbage.

No. That's where I found them.

Who are these...people?

Oh, that's my fourth grade class.

I'm the one eating paste.

Oh, what's this vacuum cleaner doing in this picture?

That's my teacher.

Your fourth grade teacher was a hoover upright.

Bite your tongue.

Mrs. Landers was remarkable.

She could walk on her hands and pick up lint

with her big skinny mouth.

[gasps]

She was a vacuum cleaner.

Oh, look, I see you got a picture of your thumb here.

Oh, I've made that mistake myself.

What mistake?

I collect pictures of my thumb.

Look, here's a picture of my thumb at the beach.

Here's one of my thumb at the prom.

Oh, wait, that's my toe.

Well, this shot's ruined.

Are these your parents?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Uh, that's the day they were married.

See, mom's feeding dad a piece of the wedding cat.

You have your dad's nose.

And your mother's, too.

Well, noses run in my family.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh, I kill me.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

This can't be right.

What's the matter?

According to this..

...my parents were married on Twangle the 12th

but...I wasn't born until the 28th of Nathinganger.

- Twangle? - Nathinganger?

What does that mean, ALF?

Well, isn't it obvious?

It means my parents were married..

...before I was born.

[sighs]

And they say it's easy raising an alien.

Who says that?

People who have never raised an alien.

[ALF sobbing]

ALF?

[door slams shuts]

ALF?

[knocks on door]

ALF?

(ALF) 'Who is it?'

Wha.. Who do you think it is?

'Willie, I am not in the mood for guessing games.'

'Don't come in.'

[door closes]

Well what are you doing in there?

Staring out your window.

Reflecting on the wretchedness of life.

I didn't mean what are you doing in there.

I meant, what are you doing in there?

Oh, sure. Confuse me with syntax.

We're coming in.

What's going on?

Looks like he's doing his Susan Hayward impression.

Oh, go ahead, make jokes while my life is in shambles.

ALF, what is the problem?

I already told you.

I'm branded with the worst stigma imaginable.

I was born..

...in wedlock.

ALF, if it makes you feel any better

I was born in wedlock too.

- So was I. - So what?

You think the whole universe follows the same moral code?

As one backward planet that worships Don Knotts.

We don't worships Don Knotts.

Well, you should. He's very entertaining.

ALF...what difference does it make

if your parents were married before you were born?

You don't understand.

On Melmac, being born to a married couple

was the most disgraceful thing there was.

Next to being a cat lover.

It's obvious that ALF is very upset. Let's leave him alone.

Well, where are we gonna sleep then?

I can personally recommend the laundry basket.

We'll use the sofa bed.

Not the sofa bed, Kate. It's so lumpy.

Oh, great, my life's coming apart

and Mr. Sensitivity is worried about lumps.

Come on, Willie, it'll only be for one night.

Kate, you're an optimist.

[sighs]

I wish life were more fair.

Also wish Mrs. Ochmonek would undress with the shades down.

Yee!

[instrumental music]

- You want to get the coffee? - Sure.

I'll get the eggs.

[sighs] Well, I see ALF's had his breakfast.

At least he didn't eat the tape recorder.

What is this?

Probably his grocery list.

Kate, listen..

"Dear Earth family, the depth of my shame is so great

"I've decided to leave.

Press play for further details."

[opera playing]

That's my "Carmen" tape.

[ALF singing opera]

(ALF on tape) 'Yo, Tanners, it's me ALF.'

'Hope you don't mind me'

'recording over your "Carmen" tape.'

No, no, your version is much better.

(ALF) 'As you now know, I'm not there.'

'I've decided to run away to a place'

'where peace and tranquility'

'allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.'

What does he know of life's vicissitudes?

I still have to put up the toilet seat for him.

(ALF) 'Perhaps one day'

'when I can deal with my seedy lineage'

'I will see you all again.'

'Farewell. I love you all.'

'Now back to more classical music.'

[ALF singing opera]

Willie, where could he have gone?

Heaven only knows.

[bell rings]

[bell tolls]

I hear you're looking for a few good monks.

[instrumental music]

(ALF on tape) 'As you now know, I'm not there.'

'I've run away to a place'

'where peace and tranquility'

'allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.'

[door opens]

Willie, I couldn't find him anywhere.

Well, where could a three foot, hairy alien go

and not be conspicuous?

Steven Spielberg's house?

- Any sign of him, Bri? - No.

But my Friar Tuck costume is gone.

Maybe he went to Sherwood Forest.

No, Bri. Sherwood Forest is in England.

ALF only took enough food to get to Canada.

Why'd he run away?

Oh, it's hard to explain, Bri.

Y-you'll understand when you're older.

How old?

Well, older than me.

I'm still trying to figure it out.

- 'Well?' - Nothing.

Where could he have gone?

Someplace where peace and tranquility

allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.

That sounds familiar.

Well, that's what he said on the tape.

No, no, uh, besides that.

Wait a minute, ALF wanted me to send my allowance

to a bunch of monks.

Listen to this.

"Peace and tranquility, life's vicissitudes."

It's from the Brothers of the Peaceful Dominion.

That's it! He's joined a monastery.

I'm sorry.

[Gregorian music]

Uh, excuse me.

Where's the little monk's room?

I have to take a vicissitude.

Well, I guess I can wait.

Are you here because of a painful secret

from your past like I am?

Or are you just one of those guys

who likes wearing a dress?

Right.

We're a silent order.

We don't speak.

Ixnay on the eaking-spay.

Got it.

[mumbling]

Joke time, alright?

This one will knock you on your cassocks.

What happened when the heater went off in the convent?

They had a bunch of blue nuns!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Blue nuns.

Get it? Ha!

Tough room.

[bell tolls]

Hey, why don't you let the hunchback answer it?

[bell tolls]

Oh, excuse me, I-I'm sorry to disturb

y-your peaceful dominion

but, uh, I-I'm looking for a friend of mine.

He's a rather short..

...hairy fellow.

Has anyone joined your flock recently?

I mean, like, say since breakfast?

Oh, t-thank you. Thank you very much.

Uh, should I be wearing a hat?

No, no, I'm fine.

Here's a real gut buster.

How does the friar open the door to the abbey?

With a monkey.

Ha! Ha!

Get it? Monk-key.

What's the problem?

This stuff going over your haloes?

ALF.

Willie.

H-how did you find me?

One of the monks talked, didn't he?

Never mind that.

ALF, how did you get here?

Thumbnail Express.

You hitchhiked?

Yeah. Easiest ride I ever got.

Who's going to drive by and leave a monk

sucking his exhaust pipe?

ALF, your manners.

Absolutely right.

Where are they?

Uh, Willie Tanner, this is Ed the monk.

Ed the monk, Willie Tanner.

Willie, Ed. Ed, Willie.

I don't know who the other guy is.

I think it's Cat Stevens.

ALF, what if they figure out you're an alien?

Who are they going to tell?

Isn't there someplace we can go to talk?

It's really rather difficult to discuss certain details--

This is my home now, Willie.

These brothers are like..

...sisters to me.

Let it fly.

Alright.

Uh, I did a lot of thinking on the drive up here

and, uh...I've never told another living soul

what I'm about to tell you..

...and you..

...and you.

And, of course, you.

Um, I know you're not exactly crazy about my stories

but I think you'll find this one poignant

and not without a certain relevance.

Brace yourself, boys.

The sermon's coming early this week.

When I was growing up, I thought my mother

was the most beautiful woman that ever lived.

I-I-I guess every boy feels that way about his mom

but, you know, I wasn't the only one

who thought that about my mother.

Look here. Look, look.

[chuckles]

Huh?

Who's the goofy-looking kid?

That's me.

The years have been kind to you, Willie.

Very kind.

May I continue with my story?

Please. And put that away.

Well, one night, uh, I don't know

I must've been about six or so

I-I was, I was walking by my mother's room

and I looked and I saw her sitting at her dressing table.

I saw her reach up and take off her hair.

I was just..

I was destroyed.

You know, I mean, not, n-n-not because she wore a wig

I-I didn't mind that.

It was because she didn't tell me

and this brings me to the meaningful part now.

And not a moment too soon

it's almost time for vespers.

I hope that means cookies.

ALF, I'm trying to explain

why your parents didn't tell you

they were married before you were born.

Oh, continue, my child.

I think that they didn't

they didn't want their son to think

that they were any...thing less than perfect.

Tha-that's the way parents are.

I-I know, I-I feel that way about Brian and Lynn.

An-and someday, when you have kids of your own, you'll feel--

Uh, uh, uh.

I won't be having kids.

Monks give up more than talking, you know.

Right, Eddie?

Is it me or are those guys a bunch of stiffs?

Look, Willie, I'm a convertible.

Face it, ALF.

You're not monk material.

Oh, yes, I am.

They showed me the list of qualifications.

Sloth, greed, gluttony.

Those are the seven deadly sins.

I thought the seven deadly sins were those guys

who lived in the forest with Snow White.

Those are the seven dwarfs.

We prefer the term "Little people."

Come on home, ALF.

We miss you.

Nobody cares about your past.

Well, gee, I don't know.

Tonight's my turn to bang the dinner gong.

ALF.

Okay, you got a deal.

You came all this way to get me.

If you want me back so badly..

...you deserve me.

Oh, thanks, ALF.

Well, just give me a second

to say goodbye to the bros, okay?

Yo, I'm leaving!

[monks clapping]

I thought this was a silent order.

[instrumental music]

You know, mom, dad..

...you'd like the Tanners.

They care about me.

Even when I do something stupid like..

...stomp grapes in the bathtub.

Goodnight, ALF.

We're glad to have you home.

Can I have a cookie?

They're not cookies, they're vespers.

And yes, you may.

ALF, uh, do you know why

there are purple footprints

all over the bathroom?

Uh, have a vesper, Kate.

We don't want any.

I'll have a couple of those.

Willie.

Willie, gluttony is one of the seven deadly dwarfs.

ALF, I'd like those footprints cleaned up tomorrow.

Thy will be done.

Thank you.

It's good to have him back.

- Amen to that. - Come on, kids.

Goodnight, ALF. See you in the morning.

- Goodnight, ALF. - Goodnight.

I want you both to know that I'm, I'm not upset anymore

that you kept your marriage a secret.

In fact, I have a secret I haven't told you.

Willie's mother wears a wig.

Ha! Ha!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]