Original subtitles

[drilling]

ALF.

Oh, moolai mucka hucka cahoona, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh!

What're you doing with my drill?

- Drilling holes. - What for?

So I can get the straws in these coconuts.

Want a hit?

I suppose this means there's another

"Gilligan's Island" rerun tonight.

Yeah, ship sets sail for that uncharted desert isle

momentarily.

I think you're overdoing this whole Gilligan thing.

Why? 'Cause I'm making a couple of Skipper coladas?

What about the bamboo furniture you ordered for your room?

Hey, I sent it back.

Wasn't even real bamboo.

It was that nauga-boo.

(Brian) 'ALF, it's time for Gilligan.'

Be right with you, little buddy.

Gotta run, Willie. Gilligan's on.

Yeah, you better hurry, if you miss this episode

you'll have to wait three weeks until it's on again.

You know, it's people like you

who drive quality programming off the air.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

¶ So join us here each week my friend ¶

¶ You're sure to get a smile ¶

¶ From seven stranded castaways ¶

¶ Here on Gilligan's isle ¶¶

Bravo! Author! Author!

Powerful episode.

- Gilligan's so funny. - You're telling me?

Chaplin, Keaton, Gilligan..

The great ones make it look so easy.

Brian, it's time to get ready for bed.

- Now? - Come on, Kate.

The kid just watched "Gilligan's Island."

He needs time for the nuances to soak in.

They can soak in in the bath tub.

Aye, aye, mom.

Hey, Kate, did I ever tell you

how much you remind me of Ginger?

[sighs]

Wow, that's the same look of disdain

that Ginger gives Gilligan.

That was a compliment.

Boy, she's no fun.

Hey, Willie, we have to talk.

Yeah, speak to me.

"Gilligan's Island."

Why do you think life there is so much more exciting

than life in..

...oh...let's say this house.

Oh, ALF, you have fun here.

Sure. When "Gilligan's Island" is on.

That's four hours every day right there.

I'm trying to make a point here and you're doing jokes.

Oh, well, by all means then. Pontificate.

What kind of pie is that?

- Apple. - Cliche in a crust.

Why did you have six pieces of it at supper?

The question is why didn't I have eight?

Because it is boring, man.

Just like everything else around here.

Not like on "Gilligan's Island"

where every day is topped off

by one of Mary Ann's

coconut cream pies.

ALF, I'm not going to waste my time

trying to analyze why you find real life

more boring than some ludicrous situation comedy.

[gasps] How erudite.

Reminiscent of the professor.

If you're bored with your pie, can I have it?

Guess not.

So anyway see, this big fat

native girl from the next island

eats Ginger's lipstick.

Then before Gilligan could marry her--

W-wait, wait. Don't tell me.

She goes back to her own island.

And she leaves the castaways stranded.

Did I give the ending away somewhere?

That's how every episode ends.

They never leave the island.

Well, I must've overlooked the pattern.

But don't overlook the idea

that you can leave this room.

She's right, ALF. The fun's over for tonight.

The fun never stops on "Gilligan's Island."

Unlike some other places, where the fun stopped

during the Eisenhower administration.

Just go to sleep.

I can't.

I tried counting castaways

jumping over palm trees

but the Skipper's not the best of leapers.

If you'll let us get some sleep

I promise you

we'll get back to this Gilligan business

first thing tomorrow and maybe

maybe we'll even build you a little lagoon, all your own.

You'd do that for me?

Yes, and then maroon you

on the opposite shore.

Fine with me. Aloha.

Hey, if you need some excitement you know where to look.

Where's that?

Wherever you hear this song..

¶ Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ¶

¶ A tale of a fateful trip ¶

¶ That started from a tropic port ¶

¶ Aboard this tiny ship ¶

¶ The mate was a mighty sailing man ¶

¶ The Skipper brave and sure.. ¶¶

Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.

Oh, it's probably clogged with ALF's hair again.

He just refuses to vacuum himself

before he takes a bath.

No, it's-it's the faucet.

- There's no water coming out. - There's..

Well, there's no water here either.

(ALF) 'Hey, could you turn that off?'

'I'm losing pressure out here.'

Say, what exactly are you doing out there?

(ALF) 'It's a surprise.'

- He said surprise. - The dreaded S word.

- 'ALF, what are you--' - 'Watch it, Willie!'

- 'It's a little slippery.' - 'Whoa!'

[splash]

(ALF) 'Surprise.'

Well, what do you think?

I don't believe it.

Willie's swimming in the lagoon I built.

It's just like the one on "Gilligan's Island."

From now on, life around here

will be much more exciting.

You..

Ah!

See? It's exciting already.

How would you like to be buried at sea?

You're not happy about this, are you?

Just tell us why you did it.

- It was Willie's idea. - What?

Don't try to worm your way out of this one.

You said we'd build a lagoon.

I said we'd build a little lagoon

not the great Tanner reef!

Okay. Okay, I misunderstood.

I'm sorry. I made a boo-boo.

A boo-boo?

I want my yard back the way it was.

I want trees I can trim.

I want grass I can mow.

No water and no hut!

And you are gonna stay right here

until I get it!

Have I made myself clear?

What? Are you talking to me?

I'm talking directly to you.

Fine, fine!

If that's what you want, I'll turn the land of adventure

back into dulls-ville.

Immeditaley.

He seems pretty upset, Kate.

You start shoveling, I'll go have a talk with him.

Right. You talk to him.

He listens to you.

Load 16 tons, what do you get?

Another day older and deeper in debt.

Whoa! I'm sweating.

First time in 60 years.

ALF, I brought you some lemonade.

Thanks. This lagoon water tastes a little brackish.

Well, how much longer is it gonna take you to fill it in?

- Six weeks. - Six weeks?

It only took you one night to dig it up.

Yeah, but I wanted to do that.

This is painful to me.

Have you ever had to cover your dreams

with a big pile of dirt?

Well, I once had to bury my pet turtle that died.

Oh, this one?

Does it say greetings from Miami on it?

No. "Carlsbad Caverns."

Oh, that was Brian's.

Sic transit gloria mundi.

Well, I better let you get back to work.

Yeah. Yeah.

Work. Work! Oh, this isn't work.

This is fun.

What're you talking about?

Lynn, I'm talking about the thrill

of back-breaking manual labor.

Huh, my only regret is that you can't share this thrill.

Hey. Hey, wait a minute.

Why don't I let you shovel a couple of metric tons?

Goodnight, ALF.

Gilligan would've fallen for that.

Well, break time.

[yawning]

[instrumental music]

I must've slept through the night.

Hey, where's my shovel?

Where's my house?

(Gilligan) Skipper.

Skipper, can I fish too?

It's Gilligan.

The Skipper, too.

Sshh, Gilligan, you'll scare the fish.

- Oh! Ah! - Sshh.

You'll scare the fish.

I'm here on Gilligan's isle.

[instrumental music]

"Gilligan's Island."

I'm in rerun heaven.

I bet I catch a big one.

Gilligan!

Skipper, what happened to your hat?

You're using it for bait.

Oh, I'll get it back for you, Skipper.

Don't worry, here..

Gilligan.

You idiot!

[laughing] You guys are hilarious.

Encore. Encore! Yeah!

- Who are you? - I'm ALF.

Your biggest fan.

I worship the sand you walk on.

- Where did you come from? - Melmac.

Melmac. Is that anywhere near Bora Bora?

[laughing] You guys never stop.

Hey, hey, where are the others?

- What others? - The others, you know..

¶ The millionaire and his wife ¶

¶ A movie star ¶¶

Oh, them well, Ginger and Howell's built a country club

on the other side of the island, but they won't let us in.

They won't let you in, Gilligan.

Not through the front door, but sometimes I caddy.

Well, what about the Professor and Mary Ann?

Oh, well, they're still around, they've..

Hey, wait a minute.

How do you know about all of us?

Yeah, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?

I just said that, Gilligan.

I thought it sounded familiar.

[laughing] Oh, I never get tired of that.

I get tired of it.

Hey, Gilligan, tell me something.

Mary Ann is really cute.

How come you never asked her out?

Where would we go?

[laughing] "Where would we go?"

This little fellow is easily amused, Gilligan.

- I like him. - Gilligan!

Skipper. Oh! Lunch is ready.

Well, I see we have another visitor.

It's Mary Ann...and lunch.

Two of my favorite things.

Oh, Mary Ann, this is ALF. He's from Melmac.

How come everybody can get to this island

and none of us can ever get off?

- Really? - Hmm.

I must've overlooked the pattern.

[ALF laughing]

Let's eat. Come on, ALF.

Lunch with the castaways.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Mary Ann, did you make one of your famous

coconut cream pies?

No. They won't let me make them anymore.

You see, I noticed our blood sugar levels

were getting dangerously high.

Plus the fact we were sick to death of them.

You never told me that.

I was remiss.

Anyway, today we're having mangoes.

- Oh! - Wow. Mangoes.

- We're sick of mangoes too. - Oh, I like mangoes.

I'm just sick of making dental floss for you people.

I get the feeling you people aren't happy.

We're not. We're bored.

You know we've been doing the same thing

day in and day out for 23 years?

Yeah, how would you like to listen to the Skipper's

boring old navy stories over and over and over?

I thought you liked my navy stories.

I was a good sailor.

Oh, we're all familiar with your

nautical record, Skipper.

You're, uh, 0 and 1, I believe.

You see, you have one little shipwreck

and they never let you forget it.

Well, you guys should be grateful.

You're here on Gilligan's Island.

Are you kidding?

Why, we'd be outta here in a minute

if smarty pants over here can figure out a way

for us to get off this rock!

Don't blame me.

Every time I devise a plan

it's ruined by that hebetudinous sidekick of yours.

- Hebetudinous? - Addlepated.

Oh.

Why, you can't call

my little buddy addlepated.

Will you stop calling me little buddy?

I'm in my 40's, for crying out loud.

Stop it, you people are supposed to be funny

and friendly and-and wacky.

This is our island. You can't tell us when to be wacky.

Yeah, who died and made you King Kamehameha?

Hey, I know something that'll keep you from fighting.

- A sing-along. - Oh!

Come on, yeah!

¶ Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ¶

Everybody!

¶ A tale of a fateful trip ¶

- Sing! - We don't feel like singing!

But it's about you guys.

"The mate was a mighty sailor man.

The skipper brave and sure."

"The skipper brave and sure."

More like big and fat.

How would you like a big fat fist in your face?

Alright, forget the sing-along.

Uh, let's re-enact the time

when the head-hunter came to the island.

Now I'll be the head-hunter

and Gilligan could be Gilligan.

I've got a better idea.

Let's re-enact the time that ALF came to the island

to help us dig.

You be ALF and start digging.

I'm not gonna dig.

I refuse to dig. I won't dig.

I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't.

- What am I digging here? - Filling in a lagoon.

Yeah, we're gonna build a miniature golf course.

And we're not gonna let the Howell's play on it.

Shall I go get your club, Skipper?

Oh, Gilligan, it's not ready yet.

It'll take a couple of months.

Come on, let the furry little guy work.

It's almost time for our favorite TV show.

- You have a TV? - Oh, yeah.

I rigged one up using some bamboo

a couple of coconut shells

and a 19 inch picture tube

that washed up on the shore.

I even built a VCR.

Yeah, but all our tapes are beta.

Hey, Gilligan, digging's really fun.

- You wanna do some? - Forget it.

Even Gilligan won't fall for it.

- 'What was that for?' - 'Yeah, I just felt like it.'

Wonder if the Howell's need a fourth for golf.

Sit down, professor, I can't see.

I'm adjusting the vertical hold.

Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.

Give me the hat, Skipper.

(male #1 on TV) 'And now it's time for the adventures'

'of the Tanner family.'

Tanner family?

(male #1) 'Starring Willie Tanner as dad'

'Kate Tanner as mom, Lynn Tanner as their daughter'

'and Brian Tanner as himself.'

'This week's episode..'

'...Brian takes a bath.'

Oh, boy, this is my favorite.

I haven't had a bath in 23 years.

[together] We know.

That meat loaf was delicious, mom.

Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.

[together] Oh!

Apple pie.

I haven't had that in 23 years.

Ah, that meat loaf sounds so delicious too.

I'd like to have something to eat that didn't

fall out of a tree.

I think I'll get a glass of water.

Oh, imagine, water you don't have to draw from a well.

Oh, look, Willie's wearing a different shirt this week.

I haven't worn a different shirt in--

- Ah, we know. We know. - We know.

Can I have some water, dad?

You can have lots of water, son.

You're taking a bath.

[all laughing]

How does Willie come up with that stuff?

The great one's make it look so easy.

- Why was that funny? - Why was that funny?

These are the most entertaining people in the world

and you ask why was it funny?

Besides, they can do things we only dream of.

Oh, they eat balanced meals.

They change their clothes.

They don't hit each other with hats.

Well, actually they are pretty entertaining.

Can I watch a little?

Don't you have some dirt to shovel?

I can shovel dirt back home.

You are home.

You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.

Forever.

I don't wanna be a castaway.

I thought this place would be fun.

Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.

But you wanted to be on "Gilligan's Island."

That's where the fun never stops.

Remember?

Remember?

Remember?

I was wrong. I wanna go home.

I wanna go home. I wanna go home.

I wanna go home. Wanna go home.

Wanna go home. Wanna go home.

Wanna go home. Wanna go home.

- I wanna go home. - ALF, wake up.

Hey.

Oh, Willie, you came all the way out here to rescue me.

It wasn't really all that far, ALF.

I was just in the kitchen.

Oh. Well, listen.

I was wrong.

Adventure isn't on some uncharted desert isle.

It's right here in your own backyard.

What's left of it.

That's good to hear, ALF.

I'll see you later.

Well, don't I get to come with you?

What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?

As treacle goes, that was pretty sweet.

Too bad it didn't fill up the hole.

Get to work.

I hate this place.

[instrumental music]

[burps]

Delicious meat loaf, Kate. Best I've ever had.

Best anyone's ever had. Best in the world.

Simply the best.

Thank you, ALF. Would you like some pie?

- What kind? - Coconut cream.

Pass.

Oh, hi, I'm sorry I'm late for dinner.

[laughing] "Sorry I'm later for dinner."

Willie, you're a scream.

How does he come up with that stuff?

- What stuff? - Ha! Oh, there he goes again.

- What is wrong with you? - Uh, wrong? Nothing's wrong.

I'm the happiest alien on Earth.

What could possibly be wrong here?

In the fun-filled, action packed Tanner household.

How's the backyard coming?

Uh, well, uh..

I'd-I'd like to discuss that with you at length

and, uh, later would be a good time.

He's been watching "Bonanza."

I'll, uh, return the stage coach tomorrow.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]