Original subtitles

The game of skleenball is very simple, Brian.

You just sling your anchovies

into your opponent's laundry basket.

Aw, missed!

Do we get to eat the anchovies after the game?

No! Does Marvin Haggler eat his trunks after a fight?

Okay, who dumped my clean laundry out on the floor?

Brian.

Well, ALF told me to.

I did it so we could play skleenball.

It's not nice to rat on your friends.

What's skleenball?

A picture's worth a thousand words.

That picture was worth a $1000.

Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.

I am tired of your breaking things.

If this happens one more time

you will be living in the garage.

From now on, I'll treat this house as if it were my own.

Treat it as if it were my house

and don't break anything!

Cheap frame!

Well, I guess it can be repaired.

(ALF) 'Heads up!'

Oops.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Willie, I said I was sorry.

How many times do I have to say it?

It's gotten to a point where saying you're sorry

is not enough.

What if I write it down?

- You don't get it, do you? - Get what?

This whole idea of living together.

You see, we make rules and we follow them

to keep our lives from becoming chaos.

Now, if anybody breaks those rules

'you or-or me, or anybody'

'then life becomes impossible.'

You're right. I don't get it.

Let me put it this way.

You're staying in the garage until we say you can get out.

That I get.

Let me ask you something.

Did you act this way in your parent's house?

No. I lived in their garage.

Oh, sure! Draw parallels.

Just think about what I've said, okay?

And we'll discuss it later.

Willie, please. You can't leave me out here.

There are none of the comforts of home.

Well, alright.

You can bring something out from the house.

Can it be something that answers to "Hey, Lucky?"

Just a thought.

Wait, wait, wait, I want to ask you something. It's important.

What?

Uhh..

Uh..

Goodbye, ALF.

Oh, no, wait! Now I know what I was gonna ask you.

Instead of me wasting time learning how to behave

could I just suck up to Kate?

Well, Kate and I agreed about sending you out here.

So, if anything, you're going to have to suck up to both of us.

Well, thanks. I'll remember that. Handsome.

[instrumental music]

Willie!

Willie!

Our, our furniture!

We've been robbed!

[indistinct singing]

Wishful thinking.

¶ Stop in the name of love ¶

¶ Before you break my heart ¶

¶ Stop in the name of love ¶

¶ Before you break my heart ¶

¶ Think it over ¶¶

Oh, hi.

Oh, a housewarming gift. How nice.

Who told you you could bring this furniture out here?

Willie.

I did not!

You said I could bring something from the house.

I said you could bring something. Not everything!

Now, in all fairness, you did not make that point clear.

He did bring everything.

I didn't take that hideous Statue of Liberty clock.

That clock was a gift from my mother.

Did I say hideous?

I meant lovely. As lovely as your mother.

[ding]

That must be the microwave. Brisket anyone?

Forget the brisket!

ALF, I want you to take everything back

into the house tonight.

And I emphasize the word everything!

And I emphasize the word tonight!

And if you don't, you will be living out here permanently.

I noticed you emphasize the word permanently.

Wait, don't go! Please.

Can we sit down and talk this out?

Just give me one minute.

Alright. Fine. Yes.

You have one minute.

Thank you.

Hey, Willie, don't sit there. That's my chair.

That was my chair in the house.

Well, we're not in the house!

Forty seconds.

Well, that's not fair. Willie talked, too!

Penalize him!

Thirty-five.

What are you, Mission control?

- Thirty. - Thirty seconds?

I just had a minute half a minute ago!

[sighs] Forget the minute. Just say what you have to say!

Uh.

Uh..

Uh..

- Goodnight, ALF. - Goodnight, ALF.

No! No. I need human companionship.

I don't know how I ever got along without it

but now I'm hooked.

I'm a people junkie.

Please. Don't go.

Oh, you go ahead, Kate.

I'll sit out here with him for a while.

Willie, what are you doing?

It seems like he really misses us.

I do, I do, I do.

Willie, he's got our furniture and our brisket

now he's after us.

Oh, you're right. Of course, you're right.

You're stayin' in the garage.

Without us, and without our brisket.

Goodnight, ALF.

Kate, wait, please! Give me another chance.

I know I could change.

Just let me move back inside for one week

and I'll prove it to you. I'll be on my best behavior.

What if, during this week, you don't change?

Then, Willie and I will move out here for good.

Alright. You've got a deal.

Kate, I don't want to move out here.

I didn't mean that was part of..

The deal is you stay in the house for one week

but if you mess up, you're history.

Hey, no problem!

[crashing]

The week hasn't started yet, right?

[instrumental music]

Well, the furniture is back.

Oh, and he's fixed the painting.

And everything seems so much cleaner than usual.

Uh, no offense.

Good morning, sir.

Madam, your eggs Benedict is served.

Oh, no! He's using the stove again.

He's wearing my shirt.

My, that was fast.

You two must be famished.

ALF, what is going on?

Going on, ma'am?

Kate, this food looks great.

Thank you, sir.

I believe a meal should be pleasing to the eye

as well as to the palette.

ALF, um, just so that I know

is the entire week going to be filled

with a lot of "sirs" and "ma'ams" and haute cuisine?

Well, ma'am, per our deal, I wanted to show you

how much it would please me to please you.

Well, thank you. That's very nice.

You know, I appreciate that.

I must admit the eggs do look delicious

and the house is very clean.

It's amazingly clean.

It's not that clean.

I do hope you folks will have a chance

to check under the tables.

I've scraped off all the gum.

There was gum under the tables?

Well, gum and other crusty substances

deposited there by someone who will henceforth be known as

"The old ALF."

May he rest in peace.

Mmm. What smells so good?

ALF, you look great.

Did we have a cleaning crew come in or something?

The house looks fantastic.

Oh, for crying out loud!

ALF cleaned the whole house

and he made us this wonderful breakfast.

Hmm. Tastes good.

Better than that stinky stuff mom usually makes, huh, Brian?

Uh-huh.

Wait a minute. I didn't think ALF was allowed in the house.

That was yesterday. Today he's our butler.

If you don't mind, madam, I prefer the word "manservant."

Helps keep me in my place.

[knock on door]

(Trevor) 'Hey, anybody home?'

ALF. It's Trevor. You better..

The new ALF moves fast!

Uh, come on in, Trevor.

Hi.

Hey, Tanner, who painted your fence?

- It looks great! - Oh, I don't know what..

I don't what you're talking abo..

- Oh, wow! That does look great. - Yeah. So who painted it?

Uh..

Happy birthday, dad.

Oh, it's your birthday present.

I hope I didn't ruin the surprise.

Oh, no, no.

I was going to look out the window soon, anyway.

- So, how old are you? - I'll be 45 in August.

That's six months away.

It ain't your birthday.

You just had your fence painted

so you can keep up with the Ochmonek's.

Well, I'm not gonna tell you

where I bought my fluorescent flamingos.

We blew it.

Hey, Kate, great looking breakfast.

- Mom didn't make it. - Who did?

- Our manservant. - You got a manservant?

Just for the week.

Well, do me a favor. Don't mention it to Raquel.

- You have our word. - Thanks.

She went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner.

Hey, listen, you might have Jeeves, give me a jingle.

I might want him to paint my flamingos.

Will do.

Oh, Jeeves.

There's something I'd like to ask you.

I know what you're going to say, sir.

And I've already taken care of those ghastly flamingos.

You painted them?

No, they've been removed.

And tomorrow, I shall terminate the lawn jockey.

[instrumental music]

Did you see what ALF did in there?

He embroidered "Milord and Milady" on the towels.

Yeah. He's amazing.

You're telling me.

He got that stubborn cranberry stain off of my pajama tops.

Yeah.

He can do anything.

Oh, yeah!

I'll say.

I can't believe I'm saying this

but he, he's actually making me feel..

- Inadequate? - I wasn't going to say that.

Oh, I didn't mean..

You're the one who's making me feel inadequate

and the kids too.

I mean, everybody is so carried away

with the new ALF's old world charm.

Hope you're not expecting that in me

when things get back to normal.

Absolutely not..

...Milady.

Goodnight, Milord.

[glass squeaking]

Maybe you better pull that shade.

[glass squeaking]

[instrumental music]

Morning, ma'am.

ALF, it's your last day.

There's no need to wax the floor again.

I'm free at the moment.

And I've finished shortening your dresses.

You shortened my dresses?

Well, they are showing higher hemlines this year.

And I didn't think milady wanted to continue

with the "Nancy Reagan" look.

Thank you, ALF Lauren.

ALF Lauren?

[laughing]

Oh, good one, ma'am.

I'll have to phone the other manservants I've befriended

and tell them that you've unleashed yet another corker.

Oh, brother.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am, but the wax isn't dry yet.

If you must go into the kitchen, I'll have to carry you.

Thank you. I'll walk.

I'll wax in your wake.

Mom, how come you didn't get a piggyback ride from ALF?

I wasn't in the mood.

What's that slop?

It's eggs Florentine

brushed with a Mandarin orange glaze.

How come we don't have anything to drink except Perrier?

ALF gets it at cost from the French embassy.

Oh, relax, Kate.

We're gonna have the old ALF back at sundown.

I hope so.

I don't want to take any more quiche to school.

Nobody will trade with me.

Well, the week is over as far as I'm concerned.

I'm gonna have a plain old orange.

Willie, I don't think that I can make it till sundown.

Why don't we go away for the day.

- Good idea! - Oh, come on, that's silly!

Now, why don't we just tell ALF that he's won?

Well, I'm for that! You've won!

- Won, ma'am? - The bet is off!

You can turn in your whisk broom and your phoney accent

let out a big burp, and get on with it!

Yeah, ALF, let her rip!

What we're saying is, we want the old ALF back.

Please, I must insist that we follow this through.

Isn't that one of the rules?

To follow things through?

Otherwise, we'd have chaos.

And our life would be impossible.

Alright, we're leaving. We'll see you at 6:14.

6:14?

6:14. That's when the sun goes down.

And that means pledge week is over.

And you can go back to being yourself.

Where are we gonna go?

Who cares? As long as it's someplace dirty.

Goodbye, ALF.

- Bye, ALF. - Bye, ALF.

See you after the metamorphosis.

Oh, Sir William.

Is there some special meal you'd like for my last hurrah?

Aw! Oh!

Actually there is one thing

that Kate's always had a little trouble with.

It's duck a l'orange.

No problem.

Shall I serve a nice hearty burgundy?

- That would be lovely. - Count on it.

(Kate) 'Willie, are you coming?'

Oh yeah, you bet.

And we don't want anything fancy for dinner, either!

[instrumental music]

6:13. One minute to go, Luckmeister.

Then, I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut-Wagon!

Ah, the duck a l'orange is ready.

Have some wine. It'll slow down your reflexes.

Zut alors!

The gas is on.

But I forgot to light the oven.

Oh, well, better late than never.

[explosion]

Argh.

Well, I guess we'll have to order in.

(man on TV) 'Tonight on "Eye On The Town" the Japanese trade imbalance.'

'What do women in bikinis think about it.'

I love sweeps week.

Uh-Oh. You'd better look at this!

Oh, my God!

Just take it easy.

You didn't lose everything.

You've still got your health.

I'm sorry the firemen had to chop their way in.

You people should give me a key.

Trevor, Trevor, what happened?

I think I know. What happened.

Where is he? Where is he!

Oh, Jeeves?

I think he took off

when he saw the mess in the kitchen.

The kitchen!

I want to see it!

Lynn, why don't you see if you can find Jeeves.

Trevor, I think we can handle this from here.

Thanks for waiting for us to come home.

My pleasure.

Hope you don't mind..

I was a little hungry

so I had some of the crispy duck that was stuck to the wall.

'Don't worry about it. Have a good night.'

No need to close the door on your way out.

Yeah.

Mom, do you think ALF's okay?

Oh!

I found ALF.

He was hiding in the dryer with grandma's rosary.

I know what you're gonna say

and I've already accepted my fate.

I'm turning myself in to the alien task force.

I don't deserve to live.

ALF, why do these things always happen to you?

Beats me.

Maybe in a past life, I was a wrecking ball.

You were so good all week. What happened?

Yeah, we'd really like to know.

I'll keep it simple, Willie. The kitchen blew up.

This is like a roadrunner cartoon.

ALF, how did the kitchen blow up?

Beg your pardon, ma'am.

How did the kitchen blow up?

Uhh.

Uhh..

Just tell me how the kitchen blew up?

Well, the oven was on for a while.

Then I realized I hadn't lit it.

So, I struck a match..

Didn't you smell the gas?

At the time, I thought it was dill.

Well, goodbye and good luck.

Oh, come on back, ALF. You don't have anywhere to go.

And we don't want you to go.

But I failed.

I didn't live up to the agreement.

I don't deserve to stay.

Oh, we know that, but you're staying, anyway.

Okay.

Oh, come on, now. The place is a mess.

We've got a lot of cleaning up to do.

And if there's one thing that ALF proved this week

it's that he knows how to clean up.

Well, actually, that was the new ALF.

Now that I'm the old ALF, I don't..

I'll get the push broom, milord.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Willie, hey, how's it going?

ALF, I thought you want to take these things back to Trevor.

They're not Trevor's anymore. I bought them.

Well, actually, you bought them.

Your check's in the mail.

Hey, hit the switch, Willie, you gotta see this.

See what?

Trust me. Just turn off the light.

(ALF) 'Now, tell me, is this a significant moment, or what?'

It's breathtaking.

'Care for a little mood music?'

I think we must have it.

¶ Stop in the name of love ¶

¶ Before you break my heart ¶

¶ Stop in the name.. ¶¶

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]