All language subtitles for ALF.S01E24.La.Cuckaracha.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-DAWN_track3_[eng]

Hold it.
I haven't had my dessert.

Oh, gross! What is that?

It's a slimeball.

- ALF!
- I know what you're gonna say.

I shouldn't bring treats
to the table

unless I have enough
for everyone.

- Well, we're in luck.
- No, we're not.

You sure? There's a surprise
in the center.

- ALF, where did you get those?
- Melmac.

I usually buy wild cherry
but all they had left was slug.

- Oh!
- ALF.

What's the surprise
in the center?

I'll give you a hint.

In wild cherry, it was a cherry.

- We'll pass.
- Okay. More for me.

You know, it's a lucky thing
I found these

when I was cleaning out
my spaceship.

Couple of more months
and they would've gone bad.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, they're not that stale.

- No, i-it's a roach!
- Roach?

Well, I think someone's been

slacking off
on her housekeeping.

It came from your bag.

Well...needless to say..

...that's the last time
I shop at Ed's Bakery.

[theme music]

[music continues]

- Where'd the roach go?
- It ran under the bag.

- Somebody step on it.
- There it goes.

- Oh!
- Look, it has blue eyes!

Of course it does.
It's a roach.

ALF, roaches don't
have blue eyes.

They have..
I don't know what they have.

Well, on Melmac,
their eyes are blue.

Haven't you ever
heard the expression

"Her eyes were as blue
as a roaches?"

- Would somebody just squash it?
- Wait a minute, Kate.

This thing came
all the way from Melmac.

It's a unique specimen.

We already have
a unique specimen from Melmac.

You're comparing me
to a cockroach?

- I'm gonna get the spray.
- Answer me!

But, mom, wait!

I wanna take it
to show-and-tell.

It will be
just as interesting dead.

Do you have to kill it,
I mean, couldn't you just..

...I don't know, like let it
loose in the backyard?

No, no,
here's what we should do.

We should catch it,
I'll build a little box

we'll put a piece of doughnut
right in the middle.

Then, you guys
make sure that ALF

doesn't get to the doughnut
before the roach does.

Then, I'll..

[hissing]

Never mind the box.

You mentioned something
about a doughnut?

Mom, you didn't have to kill it.

Roaches are filthy
disgusting creatures

that carry disease.

I thought we were
talking about doughnuts.

There is no doughnut.

Can we give the roach
a funeral?

We shouldn't bury it,
we should keep it for studying.

I'm just curious. What kind of
doughnut would it have been?

- Plain.
- Plain?

With all the choices
they have nowadays?

Can we forget
about this doughnut?

Well, you got me going.

ALF, we are trying to figure out
what to do with the roach.

Why? It's gone.

- What?
- Look, it's not there anymore.

Where did it go?

Maybe you didn't
spray it enough.

- I used half a can.
- I'll be right back.

Where are you going?

I'm going to call
a doughnut place that delivers!

Come on, everybody.
We are gonna find that roach.

- Kate, calm down!
- Calm down?

There is a space-roach
loose in our house.

Well, maybe it went somewhere
to die with dignity.

Psst, Willie.

Yeah, alright, ALF

you can order the doughnuts.

I already did. But that's not
why I said psst.

Well, why did you say, "Psst?"

Just come out here.

What is all this secrecy about?

I didn't want to upset Kate.

W-what is it
that would upset Kate?

I believe a foot-long cockroach
would upset Kate.

Old blue eyes is back.

[screeching]

[instrumental music]

Come on, you guys,
I told grandma

we'd be at her place
in ten minutes.

Can the cockroach
come with us?

Brian, I think you're
missing the point of this trip.

Just get packed, please,
let's get in the car.

Mom, why do we
have to take so much?

I mean, we're coming back.

We are coming back, aren't we?

Yes, when the cockroach
is killed.

But it was killed before.

This time I want to see a body.

- Good news.
- It's dead?

Well, let's just say, it's got
three feet in the grave.

The exterminator's
on his way over.

[sighs]
We don't need an exterminator.

We need Sigourney Weaver.

Kate, unpack your bags.

ALF, cancel the exterminator.

I've killed the roach.

Honey, that's wonderful.

Tell us how you
killed the roach.

Yeah, how'd you kill Rodney?

You named it...after my brother?

- I, I, I can't help, but--
- Willie.

How did you kill the roach?

I used the spray.

Did you actually see the body?

- I saw it hit the floor.
- And then?

And then I came in here.

So we're talking about
an unconfirmed kill.

Technically.

Let's go, kids. Come on.

Wait! Kate, I emptied
a whole can of spray on it.

I tell you, it's dead.

[thudding]

Call me when you
get to your mother's.

Keep in touch, Willie.
Let's go, Kate.

Say, you're not going anywhere.

That's your roach.

It was my roach
when it was an inch long.

Now it belongs to the world.

Stay right where you are.

I-I'll call you
when the exterminator leaves.

- Goodbye, honey. Be careful.
- Bye.

- Bye, dad. Bye, Rodney!
- Bye. Rodney.

Bye, daddy.

Listen, if it goes into my room

I don't wanna know about it.
Bye, ALF.

Listen, what's that exterminator

plan to use on this thing?

I don't know. Spray.

- Hmm.
- Hmm, what?

Well, maybe nothing, but..

...we started with a roach
this big.

Kate sprayed it, a minute later

it was big enough
to wear a sweater.

Then you sprayed it again.

Now, I hate to extrapolate,
but--

ALF, what happened when you
sprayed roaches on Melmac?

We didn't have spray on Melmac..

...which, in retrospect,
seems like a pretty good thing.

[thudding]

[roach scurrying]

W-what's it doing back there?

Anything it wants to.

[doorbell rings]

You-you better hide
in the kitchen.

Oh, great! The one place
roaches always go.

Would you rather
hide back there?

If you need me I'll be on top
of the refrigerator.

- Exterminator.
- Oh, right.

- Where are they?
- In the bedroom.

Uh, but, actually there aren't
really all that many.

Actually, uh,
there's...just one.

One roach?

Hmm, just the one, yes.
Mm-hmm.

What're you,
some kind of phobic?

Phobic?

Yes.

Alright, I'll go kill the roach.

Wait, wait just
a minute, please.

- You-you can't use that spray.
- Why not?

Because..

...who knows what effect
it'll have on the roach.

Well, if history's any teacher

the general effect
will be death.

Ideally...yes.

But this is a special roach.

What is it? A pet?

Don't use the spray.

Fine. I won't.

I don't believe you.

Give me the tank.

Want my shoes too?
So I don't step on it?

I was hoping
you might be able to suggest

some more scientific way
to kill it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I left my heat-seeking missile
in the car.

Oh, now you're making fun of me.

Yes, I am.

I'll just take a magazine
and whack it.

Uh, wait, wait.

Take this instead.

Psst! Did you warn him?

Yeah.

But I...I don't think
he believed me.

[man screaming]

Maybe you'd better open
the front door.

Let me out of here! Ah!

I...I've got to see this
for myself.

You want me
to hold the door open?

How big did it get?

Well, that depends.

Do you measure
at the shoulder or the head?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(ALF)
'Let's go, Willie!'

We're all packed
and I started the car.

We're not running away
from this roach.

You didn't hear me,
I said, we're driving away

from this roach.

No, I'm not giving up.

I'm gonna find something
to kill it.

Well, may I suggest
the national guard.

I'd prefer a method
that would keep us

off the 6 o'clock news.

Alright, I'll see you later.

D stands for drive, right?

ALF, look..

...panicking is not
gonna help anything.

Yeah, right.
Let's just sit around and read.

This is not reading.
This is research.

I'm going to solve this problem

with a calm, clinical approach.

That's exactly what
those guys in Detroit said.

Then one morning they woke up

and found themselves
infested with jaffees.

- Jaffees?
- Yeah.

Bloodsucking maggots

that take the shape
of their host.

[hisses]

Detroit?

- Michigan?
- You amaze me.

You think that's the only
Detroit in the universe?

- Where's the other one?
- On Melmac.

Lot of good R&B groups
came out of there.

Thank you, ALF. Thank you.

But if we could
stick to the problem.

We're supposed to be
finding a way to kill roaches.

I thought of one,
but you didn't like it.

I don't have a harpoon.

Whose fault is that?

I mean, you can't expect me
to take care of everything.

I think I may have discovered
a less violent solution.

Now, all these books say

that the best way to kill
roaches is with boric acid.

Oh, yeah, that's what
they used on the jaffees.

Well, did it work?

Let's put it this way.

Detroit became known
as Jaffee Town.

Maybe they didn't have
the right concentration.

Fortunately,
I have access to all

the latest scientific research.

"McCall's?"

They did an article
on poison, okay?

(Trevor)
'Yo, Tanner, you in there?'

Quick, ALF...
under the counter.

It's crawling with spiders
back there!

Go!

Well, can I at least
take something to read?

Here.

"Steve Allen's World Of Bugs."

Great. I've already read it.

- Hi, Tanner.
- Hi, Trevor.

I saw the exterminator
leave your house in such a hurry

he dropped his tank.

- Bugs?
- Oh, yeah.

We, uh, have a little
cockroach problem.

Ah, yeah, cockroaches.

Blattella germanica,
our little prehistoric friend.

You know, cockroach fossils
have been found

that are over
three hundred million years old.

That's nice, Trevor.

I'll never forget the cockroach
problem we had back in Korea.

They were everywhere.

You took a step,
it was like walking on crackers.

Isn't that interesting.

There's more.

I'm sorry, please go on.

We used to have to go to sleep
with our boots on.

Because you know
the oriental ones

when they bite,
they secrete this weird saliva.

Kinda like meat tenderizer.

- No!
- Yeah.

You get enough of that
in your system, forget it.

They showed us
a movie about it.

David Niven was brilliant.

Well, I'll see ya.

Oh, by the way..

...I took the liberty
of spraying around your house.

- You what?
- Yeah.

I noticed the exterminator
forgot to do it.

So I dosed it up
for ya real good.

- No charge.
- Oh, no!

I said, no charge.

[instrumental music]

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to the drugstore.

I'm gonna buy
all the boric acid they've got.

But you heard Trevor.

What if you come back
and I've been tenderized?

I-I-I won't be gone long.
I'll only be gone five minutes.

- Take me with you.
- You know I can't.

Well, throw me in the trunk.

There's no air.
You'll suffocate.

I'll wear scuba gear.
That'll give me 30 minutes.

Plus, if you drive off a bridge,
I'll survive.

I haven't got time to argue.

Alright, go!

First, Kate and the kids,
now you.

I feel like
the pretty, little virgin.

The-the what?

You know,
the apple-cheeked maiden

that the cowardly townspeople
feed to the dragon.

Don't you read fairy tales?

This is a discussion

that we're going to postpone.

- I'm leaving now.
- Fine.

I'll just toddle off into
the kitchen and saute myself.

Oh, ALF..

...you know I wouldn't leave you
if I had any other choice.

Then hug me.

- What?
- I want a hug.

Why?

Well, because we may
never see each other again.

And we've never
taken the time to..

...you know...hug.

Now tell me you love me.

[sobbing]
Ooh, ALF.

Alright, alright,
just hurry back, okay?

- And don't stop for anything.
- No, no.

- Uh, except maybe some more--
- Doughnuts.

Jelly!

Alright, I should take it easy.

I mean, the only thing
we have to fear

is fear itself.

Whoever said that must've
had a lot of bodyguards.

[roach chirping]

Be strong, be strong.

[chirping continues]

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Listen, you don't wanna eat me!
I'm pure gristle!

My whole family
has an aftertaste.

If you can hold out,
there's doughnuts on the way.

[clattering]

Good idea! Put some coffee on.

[clattering continues]

[roach chirping]

[glass shattering]

[screaming]

Oh! I should've guessed.

It probably likes gristle.

Now I feel like a tease.

Hello, operator,
this is an emergency!

Give me the fire department

or the police,
or the paramedics, somebody.

I don't care, you decide.

Hello? Fire department?

Uh, well, I need you
to come out here.

There's a giant cockroach
trying to kill me!

Alright then. I'm a cat
and I'm stuck in a tree.

Whatever it takes!

[thudding]

[roach chirping]

Operator, make it
the paramedics!

[ALF screaming]

Whoever builds the doors
on this planet

ought to be horsewhipped!

[pounding on door]

Occupied!

Alright, the party's over!

I've got a 357
and I know how to use it!

No one's ever told me
where these things lead.

Nah!

[banging on door]

Oh, you want to use
the bathroom!

Is that it?
Hey, hey, I know the feeling!

[roach chirping]

[ALF screaming]

Look, you're angry at the world,
I understand that, uh

you probably didn't get
enough love as a larva.

Uh, but-but I've got an idea.

We could sit down, talk

have a nice cold glass
of boric acid.

You know, we could deal with it,
what do you..

What do you think about that?
Ever see one of these, huh?

Take that, you..

Uh, uh, I was only kidding.
Joke, joke.

Yeah, you know what,
I've got the number

of a good psychiatrist
friend of mine.

He, uh, he deals
with psychopathic ants

and, uh, and roaches!
Here, here, take this!

[ALF grunting]

Now you'll smell good too.

[crickets chirping]

ALF! ALF, are you okay?

Oh, hi, Willie.
Did you get the doughnuts?

ALF...w-w-what did you do?

Nothing much.

Watched a little TV.

Killed the bug.

How did you kill it?

Cheap cologne.

That's perfume.

I bought that for Kate
on her last birthday.

You had roach problems
then too?

How did you know to use this?

Well, I analyzed
the list of ingredients

and based on what I know
about the physiology

of Melmacian cockroaches--

- ALF.
- I lucked out.

I can't believe you took this
roach on all by yourself.

You could've been killed.

When it comes to defending
my home I'm an animal.

That's just the way I'm made.

Well, I'm going to, uh..

...I'm gonna drag this outside
before Kate gets back.

No, don't rough it up!

Once they dry out,
they get brittle.

What difference does that make?

Are you kidding?

I plan to have that guy stuffed

and mounted ASAP.

I thought it would look good
over the fireplace.

We're getting rid of it!

[telephone ringing]

Hello? Oh, hi, Kate.
I was just about to call you.

I've got some good news
about the roach.

And some bad news
about your birthday present.

[instrumental music]

- Goodnight, ALF.
- Hey, Brian.

How about a bedtime story?

I'm too tired
to tell you one tonight.

- No, I'll tell you one.
- Oh, okay.

What do you wanna hear?
"Babar The Elephant?"

"The Princess And The Pea?"

Or "Brave ALF

And The Giant Cockroach?"

- I'll go with the princess.
- Fine, read it yourself.

What'd you do
with the cockroach?

We found a dump
that doesn't ask questions.

Too bad they don't give a prize
for the weirdest garbage.

ALF, did you check
your spaceship

see if there were
any more cockroaches?

Consider it roachless.

But you-you sprayed
everything with perfume

just in case?

Well, everything but my gym bag.

I don't want to get funny looks
if I ever go back

to my health club.

What, what is this plant?

Looks kind of like
a Venus flytrap.

- 'Hmm.'
- It is. From Venus.

[sighs]
I want that out of this house.

Why? It's just a plant.

It brightens up the room,
gives off oxygen.

It eats insects.

And pencils.

I'll get the perfume.

I'll call and see
if the dump is still open.

I'll take back the boric acid
and get some defoliant.

You people
are getting good at this.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]