All language subtitles for ALF.S01E23.Weird.Science.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-DAWN_track3_[eng]

[instrumental music]

Kate.. Kate, I got home
as fast as I could.

- What's the emergency?
- What?

Well, I had this message
at the office.

It told me to get home
as fast as I could.

Why, I didn't
leave any message.

- You?
- I didn't say, "Rush home."

I told them to ask you to,
"Get home as soon as possible."

- You said it was an emergency.
- Yeah! The TV set is broken.

- What?
- It's got audio, but no video.

My guess is,
the picture tube is shot.

You got me into a panic
to tell me that?

Sorry, but I began to panic
when I missed "Gumby."

Well, you're gonna miss a lot
more than "Gumby," buster

because that TV set
stays broken.

What? Willie, I'm a shut-in.
TV is my lifeline.

I just pulled the plug on it.

Apparently, it was
a mistake to call you.

I think we watch too much TV
in this house, anyway.

I mean this will be a good
chance to talk, to read

to catch up on some chores..

Super. Welcome to
"Little House on the Prairie."

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

ALF, don't you have something
else to do besides stare at me?

No.

Fine.

Why do you wash dishes before

putting them
into the dishwasher?

I'm not washing them,
I'm rinsing them.

Doesn't the machine
have a rinse cycle?

[sighs]
Yes, it's after the wash cycle.

You wanna run
that by me again?

I guess, we're all a little
testy without the TV.

Yo, Lynn! Need some help
with the homework?

Thanks, but it's
American history.

- Pre-Civil War?
- Yep.

Not my area.

[humming]

Catching up on
your reading, I see.

Yes, isn't it refreshing,
having no TV?

Yeah, invigorating.

I assume you have no plans
to get it repaired?

No immediate plans.

Fine. I'll leave it
tuned to "Oral Roberts".

Maybe it'll heal itself.

Dad, I need some help.

I have to make a project
for the science carnival.

Is that anything
like a science fair?

Yeah, only this has clowns.

Well, what's the problem, Brian?

- I don't know what to make.
- No problem.

On Melmac, I was known
as Mr. Science.

Oh, why can't Mr. Science
fix his own spaceship, then?

Because Mr. Science
isn't good with tools.

That's why I dropped
out of dental school.

You went to dental school?

Yeah, it was the easiest thing
I could think of.

We only have four teeth.

What can we make, ALF?

Well, an electric
sandwich caddy.

A machine that brings you
your sandwich?

No, a sandwich that hands
you your golf clubs.

Oh, that's a much better idea.

Better than a rain gauge.

How do you know about
the rain gauge? Lynn?

I'm sorry, dad.
he found it in my closet.

Nifty piece of work, too.

I tried it out last month
and we apparently

experienced 16 feet of rain.

There's no need for you
to insult my rain gauge.

Meteorology happens to be

a very fascinating
branch of science.

So is taxidermy.

Which brings me to
my next suggestion..

...let's stuff Lucky.

Let's not.

I think I'll work on
my science project alone.

Thanks, anyway.

Now, you see,
you see what happens

when you're a butt-inski?

Well, perhaps,
if the TV were working

I wouldn't be a butt-inski.

I doubt that.
Nice try, though.

Mind if I read
over your shoulder?

[instrumental music]

TV is still on
the fritz, I see.

Still broken,
if that's what you mean.

Here's a petition

signed by every
member of this family.

It states that by hurting me
you're hurting others..

...and ultimately,
hurting yourself.

ALF, you signed
all these names.

Yes, by proxy.

That's your copy anyway.

The original is notarized

and on the way
to my attorney.

Formally your attorney.

Oh, ALF, I already said
you could use

the portable TV in the bedroom.

It's too small.

It makes everyone
look like Danny DeVito.

Well, for your information

I'm sending the TV
back to the factory.

The factory? Why don't you
just call a repairman?

Because it's still
under warranty.

Well, how long
is it gonna take?

- Where is the factory?
- The factory is in...Libya.

Libya? Is that
near Bakersfield?

It's closer to Egypt.

Apparently the guarantee
is void

unless the work is performed
at "Moamar Electronics."

And I have to pay
the shipping cost.

But, honey, wh-what kinda
guarantee is that?

I'd say a bad one.

Alright, I didn't, I didn't
read the fine print, alright?

This looks like a job for..

¶ Eh-eh-eh ¶

...Consumer Ed.

- Consumer Ed?
- Yeah.

The guy on the news

who fights for people
being ripped off.

Last week, he helped
a woman in Oxnard

sue a soup company

after she found a mouse head
in her minestrone.

ALF!

The company said
it was a garbanzo bean.

ALF, please.

It turned out to be a finger.

- Excuse me.
- What's wrong?

Consumer Ed got the lady

a year's supply
of free minestrone.

Enough.

- I'll give the guy a call.
- Just stay out of this.

Come on, Brian.
Show them.

Look at Brian's science project.
It's really good.

And I made it
without any help.

Hey, nice job.

What is it?
Street lights?

I thought they called you
"Mr. Science"?

It's a molecule.

It's the solar system.

It's the solar system.

- Whose solar system?
- Ours.

You forgot the
two planets next to Pluto.

Let me guess..
Mickey and Donald?

Oh, sure, turn it
into a travesty.

Their names are
Dave and Alvin.

- Really?
- No, Brian, ALF's only kidding.

I'm not kidding.

I almost hit Alvin
on my approach to Earth.

It's a sharp turn.

Where'd they be on here?

Brian, they're not on here.
They're not anywhere.

ALF, tell him the truth.

The truth is, Brian,
they're right over here.

ALF, I think if there were

two planets
named Dave and Alvin

I would have read about them.

You could have missed it.

After all, you let that
Moamar Electronics thing

slip by.

Dad, can I add Alvin and Dave?

No, I don't think
that's a good idea.

But if you don't add them
you're perpetuating lies!

I mean, what if
Galileo had listened

when they told him he couldn't
sail around the world?

Galileo didn't sail
around the world.

Oh, like you were there.

ALF, if Brian adds those planets
they'll laugh him

right out of school.
Nobody will believe him.

Even if it is true.

Even if it is true?

That does it. I quit.

- You quit what?
- I don't know yet.

But when I do just try to talk
me out of it. Ha!

Brian, your project's
very good, very, very good.

Just like it is. Okay?

I hope so.

[instrumental music]

Hello?
Yeah, Bob's Smoke Shop?

Do you have
Prince Albert in a can?

No?

Well, can you tell me who does?

Uh-huh. I see.

Yeah. Thanks.

This isn't as much fun
as I heard.

Hey, B, how was school today?

I failed my science project.

You should've added
Alvin and Dave, like I said.

- I did.
- And you still failed?

That's why I failed.

I added them
because I believed you

but all my friends
laughed at me.

They did?

Now, my teacher won't
even let my project

be in the science carnival.

And it's all your fault.

My fault?

You lied to me. There really
aren't 11 planets, are there?

Yes, there are.
Brian?

Your teacher is the one
who needs an education.

Now I'm mad.

I'm mad! I'm mad.

Hello, information?
Get me Brian's teacher.

Oh, wait a minute.
No, uh..

Get me
the Franklin Elementary School.

Yes, I know it's cheaper
to use a directory

but I don't have any thumbs!

Well, you should be sorry!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Where is everybody?

Oh, they've..
They've gone to the movies.

- Well, why didn't you go?
- I'm fixing the TV.

Now?

Yes.

I'm going out
a little later

and I decided it's dangerous

to leave you alone
with nothing to do.

Are you referring to
that chemical spill?

Chemical spill?

What chemical spill?

Nothing.

Hey, Willie, how about a game
of Trivial Pursuit?

I promise not to pick
any science questions.

No, thanks.

I think you should leave this
for a qualified repairman.

- Well, Mr. Smarty..
- It's Mr. Science.

For your information
I've-I've located the problem.

There's no power going into
the high-voltage transformer.

- Hey, you want power?
- 'That would help.'

Your call.

[crackling]

Willie, it was an accident.

An accident?

An accident?
You almost killed me!

And you say
it was an accident?

Alright, let's call it
a mistake.

[doorbell dings]

You wanna get that?
It's probably Consumer Ed.

You called Consumer Ed
after I asked you not to?

You didn't say, "Not to."
You said, "Stay out of this."

You should've been
more specific.

I hope it is Consumer Ed

because I'm turning
you over to 'em.

Won't that be a great story
for the 6 o'clock news?

I think I left the oven on.

Yeah?

[gasps]

Mr. Tanner?

Yeah?

I'm Mrs. Lyman,
Brian's principal.

Oh, hi, hi..

Well, come in, won't you?
Please come in.

Uh...am I interrupting
something?

No, no.

Well, I'm -I'm sorry
to drop in on you like this

but your house
is on my way home

and I did want to clear up
that little misunderstanding

between you and Ms. Larva.

Ms. Larva?

Brian's teacher.

Oh, Ms. Larva.

You called her
this afternoon.

No, I'm sorry, I didn't call
Miss...Larva this afternoon.

No.

Is Mrs. Tanner home?

No, no, I'm alone here.

Gee, th-that's odd.

I-I thought I heard you
yelling at someone

just before I rang
the doorbell.

Oh, that was
probably the TV.

I don't mean
actually the TV.

I was yelling at the TV
because it's broken.

I-I-I always yell
at the TV when it's broken.

[laughing]

We could talk
some other time.

- Maybe with a social worker.
- No! I mean.

[clears throat]
No, no, please, no.

Come in, won't you? Sit down.
Please, let's-let's talk.

Ah, this is about
my phone call, isn't it?

Sit, sit.
I-I remember now.

Of course, I remember.

[clears throat]
What did I say?

You don't remember?

I don't. Forgive me.
Please, forgive me.

My head just exploded.

I mean, the TV exploded
and it was on my head.

Well, you threatened
to remove Brian from school

you questioned
the credentials of his teacher

and you refused
to ask him to remove

the two extra planets
from his project.

The two extra planets?

Yes. On one of which you
stopped to use the rest room.

Could you excuse me,
just for a moment?

Oh, certainly.

What do you think?

I'll get..

I'll get right
to the point.

You told Brian to add
those two planets

to his model, didn't you?

No, I didn't.
He did it on his own.

Didn't you..

Well, I'll admit
I was indirectly involved.

It was wrong of you
to be involved at all.

But I took care of it.

I called his teacher
and set her straight.

So I heard.
Now the principal is here.

And it's all because of these
ridiculous stories of yours.

Ridiculous? Ha!

You're gonna feel
a little silly.

when I tell you this

but I called the
Mount Palomar Observatory today

and they have no knowledge
of the planet Alvin.

How surprising.

They do, however,
know of Dave.

Only, they call him Chiron.

Chiron?

Object Kowal?

Willie?
Willie, snap out of it.

No, ALF,
ALF, in the late '70s

an object was spotted in space

uh, originally called
Object Kowal.

It was later named Chiron.

And the astronomers thought
that could be a tenth planet

just somewhere,
just beyond Pluto.

Somewhere?
I'll show you exactly where.

Wh-what's this?

"Rand McNally,
guide to the stars."

I keep it
in my glove compartment.

This..
This is incredible!

You-you have a guide
to the galaxy.

Well, it's three years old.

A few of the stars
have exploded.

Now let's see, uh,
Dave, uh.. Dave, G6.

"Mileage between cities?"
Melmac, San Francisco..

Oh, here it is..
Dave. Right here.

- Dave?
- And there's Alvin.

Wh-what's that little one?

"Alvin Heights."

ALF, you weren't
making this up.

I.. I owe you an apology.

I'm waiting.

So is Mrs. Lyman.

Oh, say, could I get
you anything?

No, no, I'm-I'm fine.

Oh, oh, wax lips.

- I have two questions for you.
- Yeah.

First, can I have
my lips back?

- Oh..
- Thanks.

And second,
are you gonna tell her

the truth about the planets?

I don't think I can.

Why not?
Show her the map.

Oh, good idea,
and when she asks us

where we got it,
then where will we be?

Alright, alright.
So you can't show her the map.

But just because you don't have
any proof that ends it?

I mean,
what's with this planet?

Here's a chance
to open people's minds.

Where are the free thinkers?
The dreamers?

I-I don't know.

But apparently not
in Brian's school.

I-I'm afraid I'm-I'm just
gonna have to go out there

and tell her this has all been
a big mistake.

In other words
you're gonna lie.

- Oh, hi.
- Is everything alright?

Yes, yes, I'm-I'm sorry

to have kept you
waiting so long.

Uh, Mrs. Lyman,
this whole thing has been

a terrible misunderstanding.

I'm so sorry
that this all happened.

So am I. We've never had
any problems with Brian before.

It's just that
this sort of thing

upsets Ms. Larva very much.

Mrs. Lyman, what if we just
displayed the project as it is?

Mr. Tanner, we can't
display a solar system

with two planets
named Dave and Alvin.

It would make a circus
out of our carnival.

Well, we wouldn't
wanna disgrace the clowns.

Look, I'm sure Ms. Larva
would be willing

to meet you halfway.

If Brian removed
the extra planets

I'm sure she would let him
compete with his classmates

and there'd be no harm done.

Yes, yes, there would be.

I..
I can't ask him to do that.

Then I can't ask my teacher
to change her policy.

- Oh, sure you could.
- Alright, I could.

But I won't.

Wait a minute, Mrs. Lyman,
you're an educator.

Surely there's room
in our system

for, for free thinking?

I mean, where would
science be

if there weren't dreamers?

Would-would the Wright Brothers
have flown?

Would-would Galileo have
sailed around the world?

Galileo?

Oh, never mind.

[doorbell dings]

- Mr. William Tanner?
- Yes.

Consumer Ed Boganski.
Nice to meet you.

Let's start with a wide shot
of the whole room.

- No, no, wait.
- Look at that set.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Look at that.

- We'll take care of it..
- No.

Hello, I'm at the home
of Mr. William Tanner

who in a desperate
attempt to fight City Hall

has summoned me, Consumer Ed,
to be in his corner.

Stop! Stop!

(Consumer Ed)
Take it easy. This will only
take a minute.

There was no need to involve
the media in this dispute.

Dispute? Dispute? Ma'am, why
don't you give us your side--

No, please, let's..

There's really
nothing to talk about.

Willie, wh-what's going on?

Oh, uh, nothing.
They were just leaving.

- Is this your family?
- That's Consumer Ed.

Could we just
stop for a minute?

You shouldn't have called me
if you didn't wanna talk

about your television.

This is not about
the TV, Mr. Ed.

This is about
the extra planets.

What extra planets?

The two his son claims
exist beyond Pluto.

They do exist.

I mean,
who's to say they don't?

Is that your son?

- No!
- 'Dad!'

I mean, yes, yes.
Of course, he is.

Sid, get a shot
of the kid here.

- Are you putting this on TV?
- No, Brian.

This is great
human interest stuff.

- Please continue, Mr. Tanner.
- Oh, he has nothing to say.

Yes, I do.

My son Brian,
entered a project

in a school
science carnival.

Is that like
a science fair?

Well, this has clowns.

But the school wouldn't
allow the project

to be displayed without..

Without proper credit
to the imagination

of Brian Tanner.

Excuse me?

I'm Brian's principal
and I wanna say

that this is what our science
carnival is all about.

- Free thinking!
- It is?

It is now.

Not to display
Brian's project

would be close-minded.

Does this mean
I can enter my project?

Absolutely.

We encourage open-mindedness
in all of our students.

After all, where would
science be today

if it weren't
for free thinking?

For the dreamers!
Right, Bri?

[instrumental music]

Oh, hurry up, Willie, Brian's
science story is coming on next.

Say, I was just going over
the phone bill and I found--

Save it for later, Willie.
This is Brian's moment.

Do you know someone made
a two-hour phone call to Libya?

That might have been me.

Consumer Ed set up
the call to the factory.

This was a $300 phone call!

Hey, I got you
a new TV out of it, didn't I?

I didn't pay $300
for the first one!

Which is exactly why it broke.

Shh! Brian's story is on.
Turn it up.

(Consumer Ed on TV)
'I'd like to step out of the
consumer corner for a minute'

'and share with you
an interesting story'

'I recently stumbled upon.'

Look, there's my school!

(Consumer Ed)
'I'm standing
in the auditorium'

'of the Franklin
Elementary School'

'where an annual event called a'

'Science Carnival takes place.'

[horn squeaks]

'Move it, clown!'

'What makes this
year's event so unusual'

'besides the clowns'

'is a new category called'

'"The World of Ideas" where..'

[crackling]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]