Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Kate.. Kate, I got home as fast as I could.

- What's the emergency? - What?

Well, I had this message at the office.

It told me to get home as fast as I could.

Why, I didn't leave any message.

- You? - I didn't say, "Rush home."

I told them to ask you to, "Get home as soon as possible."

- You said it was an emergency. - Yeah! The TV set is broken.

- What? - It's got audio, but no video.

My guess is, the picture tube is shot.

You got me into a panic to tell me that?

Sorry, but I began to panic when I missed "Gumby."

Well, you're gonna miss a lot more than "Gumby," buster

because that TV set stays broken.

What? Willie, I'm a shut-in. TV is my lifeline.

I just pulled the plug on it.

Apparently, it was a mistake to call you.

I think we watch too much TV in this house, anyway.

I mean this will be a good chance to talk, to read

to catch up on some chores..

Super. Welcome to "Little House on the Prairie."

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

ALF, don't you have something else to do besides stare at me?

No.

Fine.

Why do you wash dishes before

putting them into the dishwasher?

I'm not washing them, I'm rinsing them.

Doesn't the machine have a rinse cycle?

[sighs] Yes, it's after the wash cycle.

You wanna run that by me again?

I guess, we're all a little testy without the TV.

Yo, Lynn! Need some help with the homework?

Thanks, but it's American history.

- Pre-Civil War? - Yep.

Not my area.

[humming]

Catching up on your reading, I see.

Yes, isn't it refreshing, having no TV?

Yeah, invigorating.

I assume you have no plans to get it repaired?

No immediate plans.

Fine. I'll leave it tuned to "Oral Roberts".

Maybe it'll heal itself.

Dad, I need some help.

I have to make a project for the science carnival.

Is that anything like a science fair?

Yeah, only this has clowns.

Well, what's the problem, Brian?

- I don't know what to make. - No problem.

On Melmac, I was known as Mr. Science.

Oh, why can't Mr. Science fix his own spaceship, then?

Because Mr. Science isn't good with tools.

That's why I dropped out of dental school.

You went to dental school?

Yeah, it was the easiest thing I could think of.

We only have four teeth.

What can we make, ALF?

Well, an electric sandwich caddy.

A machine that brings you your sandwich?

No, a sandwich that hands you your golf clubs.

Oh, that's a much better idea.

Better than a rain gauge.

How do you know about the rain gauge? Lynn?

I'm sorry, dad. he found it in my closet.

Nifty piece of work, too.

I tried it out last month and we apparently

experienced 16 feet of rain.

There's no need for you to insult my rain gauge.

Meteorology happens to be

a very fascinating branch of science.

So is taxidermy.

Which brings me to my next suggestion..

...let's stuff Lucky.

Let's not.

I think I'll work on my science project alone.

Thanks, anyway.

Now, you see, you see what happens

when you're a butt-inski?

Well, perhaps, if the TV were working

I wouldn't be a butt-inski.

I doubt that. Nice try, though.

Mind if I read over your shoulder?

[instrumental music]

TV is still on the fritz, I see.

Still broken, if that's what you mean.

Here's a petition

signed by every member of this family.

It states that by hurting me you're hurting others..

...and ultimately, hurting yourself.

ALF, you signed all these names.

Yes, by proxy.

That's your copy anyway.

The original is notarized

and on the way to my attorney.

Formally your attorney.

Oh, ALF, I already said you could use

the portable TV in the bedroom.

It's too small.

It makes everyone look like Danny DeVito.

Well, for your information

I'm sending the TV back to the factory.

The factory? Why don't you just call a repairman?

Because it's still under warranty.

Well, how long is it gonna take?

- Where is the factory? - The factory is in...Libya.

Libya? Is that near Bakersfield?

It's closer to Egypt.

Apparently the guarantee is void

unless the work is performed at "Moamar Electronics."

And I have to pay the shipping cost.

But, honey, wh-what kinda guarantee is that?

I'd say a bad one.

Alright, I didn't, I didn't read the fine print, alright?

This looks like a job for..

¶ Eh-eh-eh ¶

...Consumer Ed.

- Consumer Ed? - Yeah.

The guy on the news

who fights for people being ripped off.

Last week, he helped a woman in Oxnard

sue a soup company

after she found a mouse head in her minestrone.

ALF!

The company said it was a garbanzo bean.

ALF, please.

It turned out to be a finger.

- Excuse me. - What's wrong?

Consumer Ed got the lady

a year's supply of free minestrone.

Enough.

- I'll give the guy a call. - Just stay out of this.

Come on, Brian. Show them.

Look at Brian's science project. It's really good.

And I made it without any help.

Hey, nice job.

What is it? Street lights?

I thought they called you "Mr. Science"?

It's a molecule.

It's the solar system.

It's the solar system.

- Whose solar system? - Ours.

You forgot the two planets next to Pluto.

Let me guess.. Mickey and Donald?

Oh, sure, turn it into a travesty.

Their names are Dave and Alvin.

- Really? - No, Brian, ALF's only kidding.

I'm not kidding.

I almost hit Alvin on my approach to Earth.

It's a sharp turn.

Where'd they be on here?

Brian, they're not on here. They're not anywhere.

ALF, tell him the truth.

The truth is, Brian, they're right over here.

ALF, I think if there were

two planets named Dave and Alvin

I would have read about them.

You could have missed it.

After all, you let that Moamar Electronics thing

slip by.

Dad, can I add Alvin and Dave?

No, I don't think that's a good idea.

But if you don't add them you're perpetuating lies!

I mean, what if Galileo had listened

when they told him he couldn't sail around the world?

Galileo didn't sail around the world.

Oh, like you were there.

ALF, if Brian adds those planets they'll laugh him

right out of school. Nobody will believe him.

Even if it is true.

Even if it is true?

That does it. I quit.

- You quit what? - I don't know yet.

But when I do just try to talk me out of it. Ha!

Brian, your project's very good, very, very good.

Just like it is. Okay?

I hope so.

[instrumental music]

Hello? Yeah, Bob's Smoke Shop?

Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

No?

Well, can you tell me who does?

Uh-huh. I see.

Yeah. Thanks.

This isn't as much fun as I heard.

Hey, B, how was school today?

I failed my science project.

You should've added Alvin and Dave, like I said.

- I did. - And you still failed?

That's why I failed.

I added them because I believed you

but all my friends laughed at me.

They did?

Now, my teacher won't even let my project

be in the science carnival.

And it's all your fault.

My fault?

You lied to me. There really aren't 11 planets, are there?

Yes, there are. Brian?

Your teacher is the one who needs an education.

Now I'm mad.

I'm mad! I'm mad.

Hello, information? Get me Brian's teacher.

Oh, wait a minute. No, uh..

Get me the Franklin Elementary School.

Yes, I know it's cheaper to use a directory

but I don't have any thumbs!

Well, you should be sorry!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Where is everybody?

Oh, they've.. They've gone to the movies.

- Well, why didn't you go? - I'm fixing the TV.

Now?

Yes.

I'm going out a little later

and I decided it's dangerous

to leave you alone with nothing to do.

Are you referring to that chemical spill?

Chemical spill?

What chemical spill?

Nothing.

Hey, Willie, how about a game of Trivial Pursuit?

I promise not to pick any science questions.

No, thanks.

I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman.

- Well, Mr. Smarty.. - It's Mr. Science.

For your information I've-I've located the problem.

There's no power going into the high-voltage transformer.

- Hey, you want power? - 'That would help.'

Your call.

[crackling]

Willie, it was an accident.

An accident?

An accident? You almost killed me!

And you say it was an accident?

Alright, let's call it a mistake.

[doorbell dings]

You wanna get that? It's probably Consumer Ed.

You called Consumer Ed after I asked you not to?

You didn't say, "Not to." You said, "Stay out of this."

You should've been more specific.

I hope it is Consumer Ed

because I'm turning you over to 'em.

Won't that be a great story for the 6 o'clock news?

I think I left the oven on.

Yeah?

[gasps]

Mr. Tanner?

Yeah?

I'm Mrs. Lyman, Brian's principal.

Oh, hi, hi..

Well, come in, won't you? Please come in.

Uh...am I interrupting something?

No, no.

Well, I'm -I'm sorry to drop in on you like this

but your house is on my way home

and I did want to clear up that little misunderstanding

between you and Ms. Larva.

Ms. Larva?

Brian's teacher.

Oh, Ms. Larva.

You called her this afternoon.

No, I'm sorry, I didn't call Miss...Larva this afternoon.

No.

Is Mrs. Tanner home?

No, no, I'm alone here.

Gee, th-that's odd.

I-I thought I heard you yelling at someone

just before I rang the doorbell.

Oh, that was probably the TV.

I don't mean actually the TV.

I was yelling at the TV because it's broken.

I-I-I always yell at the TV when it's broken.

[laughing]

We could talk some other time.

- Maybe with a social worker. - No! I mean.

[clears throat] No, no, please, no.

Come in, won't you? Sit down. Please, let's-let's talk.

Ah, this is about my phone call, isn't it?

Sit, sit. I-I remember now.

Of course, I remember.

[clears throat] What did I say?

You don't remember?

I don't. Forgive me. Please, forgive me.

My head just exploded.

I mean, the TV exploded and it was on my head.

Well, you threatened to remove Brian from school

you questioned the credentials of his teacher

and you refused to ask him to remove

the two extra planets from his project.

The two extra planets?

Yes. On one of which you stopped to use the rest room.

Could you excuse me, just for a moment?

Oh, certainly.

What do you think?

I'll get..

I'll get right to the point.

You told Brian to add those two planets

to his model, didn't you?

No, I didn't. He did it on his own.

Didn't you..

Well, I'll admit I was indirectly involved.

It was wrong of you to be involved at all.

But I took care of it.

I called his teacher and set her straight.

So I heard. Now the principal is here.

And it's all because of these ridiculous stories of yours.

Ridiculous? Ha!

You're gonna feel a little silly.

when I tell you this

but I called the Mount Palomar Observatory today

and they have no knowledge of the planet Alvin.

How surprising.

They do, however, know of Dave.

Only, they call him Chiron.

Chiron?

Object Kowal?

Willie? Willie, snap out of it.

No, ALF, ALF, in the late '70s

an object was spotted in space

uh, originally called Object Kowal.

It was later named Chiron.

And the astronomers thought that could be a tenth planet

just somewhere, just beyond Pluto.

Somewhere? I'll show you exactly where.

Wh-what's this?

"Rand McNally, guide to the stars."

I keep it in my glove compartment.

This.. This is incredible!

You-you have a guide to the galaxy.

Well, it's three years old.

A few of the stars have exploded.

Now let's see, uh, Dave, uh.. Dave, G6.

"Mileage between cities?" Melmac, San Francisco..

Oh, here it is.. Dave. Right here.

- Dave? - And there's Alvin.

Wh-what's that little one?

"Alvin Heights."

ALF, you weren't making this up.

I.. I owe you an apology.

I'm waiting.

So is Mrs. Lyman.

Oh, say, could I get you anything?

No, no, I'm-I'm fine.

Oh, oh, wax lips.

- I have two questions for you. - Yeah.

First, can I have my lips back?

- Oh.. - Thanks.

And second, are you gonna tell her

the truth about the planets?

I don't think I can.

Why not? Show her the map.

Oh, good idea, and when she asks us

where we got it, then where will we be?

Alright, alright. So you can't show her the map.

But just because you don't have any proof that ends it?

I mean, what's with this planet?

Here's a chance to open people's minds.

Where are the free thinkers? The dreamers?

I-I don't know.

But apparently not in Brian's school.

I-I'm afraid I'm-I'm just gonna have to go out there

and tell her this has all been a big mistake.

In other words you're gonna lie.

- Oh, hi. - Is everything alright?

Yes, yes, I'm-I'm sorry

to have kept you waiting so long.

Uh, Mrs. Lyman, this whole thing has been

a terrible misunderstanding.

I'm so sorry that this all happened.

So am I. We've never had any problems with Brian before.

It's just that this sort of thing

upsets Ms. Larva very much.

Mrs. Lyman, what if we just displayed the project as it is?

Mr. Tanner, we can't display a solar system

with two planets named Dave and Alvin.

It would make a circus out of our carnival.

Well, we wouldn't wanna disgrace the clowns.

Look, I'm sure Ms. Larva would be willing

to meet you halfway.

If Brian removed the extra planets

I'm sure she would let him compete with his classmates

and there'd be no harm done.

Yes, yes, there would be.

I.. I can't ask him to do that.

Then I can't ask my teacher to change her policy.

- Oh, sure you could. - Alright, I could.

But I won't.

Wait a minute, Mrs. Lyman, you're an educator.

Surely there's room in our system

for, for free thinking?

I mean, where would science be

if there weren't dreamers?

Would-would the Wright Brothers have flown?

Would-would Galileo have sailed around the world?

Galileo?

Oh, never mind.

[doorbell dings]

- Mr. William Tanner? - Yes.

Consumer Ed Boganski. Nice to meet you.

Let's start with a wide shot of the whole room.

- No, no, wait. - Look at that set.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. - Look at that.

- We'll take care of it.. - No.

Hello, I'm at the home of Mr. William Tanner

who in a desperate attempt to fight City Hall

has summoned me, Consumer Ed, to be in his corner.

Stop! Stop!

(Consumer Ed) Take it easy. This will only take a minute.

There was no need to involve the media in this dispute.

Dispute? Dispute? Ma'am, why don't you give us your side--

No, please, let's..

There's really nothing to talk about.

Willie, wh-what's going on?

Oh, uh, nothing. They were just leaving.

- Is this your family? - That's Consumer Ed.

Could we just stop for a minute?

You shouldn't have called me if you didn't wanna talk

about your television.

This is not about the TV, Mr. Ed.

This is about the extra planets.

What extra planets?

The two his son claims exist beyond Pluto.

They do exist.

I mean, who's to say they don't?

Is that your son?

- No! - 'Dad!'

I mean, yes, yes. Of course, he is.

Sid, get a shot of the kid here.

- Are you putting this on TV? - No, Brian.

This is great human interest stuff.

- Please continue, Mr. Tanner. - Oh, he has nothing to say.

Yes, I do.

My son Brian, entered a project

in a school science carnival.

Is that like a science fair?

Well, this has clowns.

But the school wouldn't allow the project

to be displayed without..

Without proper credit to the imagination

of Brian Tanner.

Excuse me?

I'm Brian's principal and I wanna say

that this is what our science carnival is all about.

- Free thinking! - It is?

It is now.

Not to display Brian's project

would be close-minded.

Does this mean I can enter my project?

Absolutely.

We encourage open-mindedness in all of our students.

After all, where would science be today

if it weren't for free thinking?

For the dreamers! Right, Bri?

[instrumental music]

Oh, hurry up, Willie, Brian's science story is coming on next.

Say, I was just going over the phone bill and I found--

Save it for later, Willie. This is Brian's moment.

Do you know someone made a two-hour phone call to Libya?

That might have been me.

Consumer Ed set up the call to the factory.

This was a $300 phone call!

Hey, I got you a new TV out of it, didn't I?

I didn't pay $300 for the first one!

Which is exactly why it broke.

Shh! Brian's story is on. Turn it up.

(Consumer Ed on TV) 'I'd like to step out of the consumer corner for a minute'

'and share with you an interesting story'

'I recently stumbled upon.'

Look, there's my school!

(Consumer Ed) 'I'm standing in the auditorium'

'of the Franklin Elementary School'

'where an annual event called a'

'Science Carnival takes place.'

[horn squeaks]

'Move it, clown!'

'What makes this year's event so unusual'

'besides the clowns'

'is a new category called'

'"The World of Ideas" where..'

[crackling]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]