Original subtitles

For heaven's sake..

Kate, you're not selling my ship in a bottle, are you?

If we're lucky.

But I...I love that ship.

It-it's the Nina.

Willie, the whole reason we're having a garage sale

is to get rid of things.

Well, we don't have to be fanatics about it.

Listen, I've been going over the bills.

Someone should take your credit cards away.

Give me those.

Is that a typo?

An $11,000 balloon payment?

No, it's accurate.

You guys are getting ripped off.

You can get a whole package of balloons for 69 cents.

No, no, ALF, seven years ago

we took out a mortgage on the house.

Just to buy a balloon?

Look, could we not talk about this right now?

We've only got a week to get ready for the garage sale.

You're selling the garage?

(Willie and Kate) No!

Well, that's good because we're gonna need someplace

to store that balloon.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

So you understand what a balloon payment is?

Yeah.

And you know what a garage sale is?

- Yeah. - Good.

Now, can you explain secular humanism again?

No.

Hey, you're not selling that, are you?

- I'm afraid so. - Too bad.

It'd be a great bottle if it weren't

for the ship stuck in it.

It's a Nina.

Well, sorry, on Melmac we didn't name our bottles.

It doesn't matter.

We're selling it anyway.

This house payment's hanging over your head, isn't it?

No, we're just trying to clear away a little extra space.

Level with me.

You're on the skids, aren't you?

No.

Dad, mom wants me to sell Muffy Bear.

And Scooter.

No!

Now, look, we've got to be strong about this.

Not my hockey stick. No!

Knock, knock.

- Who's there? - Hi, kids.

- "Hi kids," who? - Hi, grandma.

Stop it. You're ruining the joke.

Excuse me, kids, I love you very much

but there's something I've gotta watch on TV.

- What? - A horse race.

(man on TV) '...with Fast Grand showing the way by a length..'

Hi, mom, oh, good, you brought

some more stuff for the garage sale.

Shh! Come on, Smooth As Butter!

Come on, Smooth As Butter!

Mom, do you have money on that horse?

(man on TV) '...the final eighth of a mile'

'and it's Smooth As Butter..'

Whoo! Whoo! Yeah. I won.

Mom, since when do you bet on horses?

All my life.

Ha! That's funny. I-I can't picture you at a race track.

I could picture her running. Ha! Ha!

I wonder how long it would take

to pull the hair out of your body?

About two hours.

Mom, how come you never took me to a race track?

I never go to a race track.

You meet an unsavory element there.

- I bet with a bookie. - Ah!

They're not unsavory.

Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?

An unsavory element.

You mean like oregano?

Nick The Fish is not unsavory.

"Nick The Fish?"

You bet with a fish?

- Oh, hi, Dorothy. - Hi, Willie.

Willie, did you know my mother bets on horses?

Yeah.

So how much did you win, grandma?

Three hundred bucks!

Hey, that's even better than last week.

Well, that's fine, mom.

But I mean, what if you had lost?

Hey, it's my money.

But it's our inheritance.

For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money

to the alien task force.

Sure, punish your grandchildren.

Oh, leave us out of this.

- That's her plan. - Come on, mom.

Let's take this stuff in the kitchen and tag it.

I'll give you a hand with these old clothes.

Yeah, I've, I've got fliers to make.

Well, I might as well make myself useful.

Hold on, Dorothy.

Can you make a lot of money with this horse racing thing?

Only if you win.

No problem.

Put me in for 50 bucks.

Where did you get 50 bucks?

Have you been going through my purse again?

Yes, but that's not where I got the money.

By the way, you're out of Tic-Tacs.

Where did you get the 50 bucks?

Rebate coupons.

Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to Mr. Fish--

- Mintz. - No, thanks. I just brushed.

His name is Nick Mintz

and I'm not gonna place any bets for you.

I'm not doing this for me!

No, you're raising money for charity.

Oh, excellent comeback, Dorothy.

Well, if you must know it's for a balloon payment..

...which, by the way, has nothing to do with a balloon.

Well, I don't care what it has to do with.

I am still not gonna place any bets for you.

And it was a dynamite comeback.

Once again... left to my own devices.

[instrumental music]

Don't you believe in knocking?

- This is our room. - I know that.

Uh, what may I ask are you doing in here?

I have to make a private call.

Now, you two just go back in there

and do whatever you were doing.

- We were brushing our teeth. - No need to cover.

I think it's great that you kids still keep the flames burning.

Thanks for the feedback.

Now, will you leave?

Yeah, after my call.

Who are you calling at this time of the night?

Do I pry into your personal life?

Look, it's kind of a surprise.

What did we say about surprises?

I know, but it's a good surprise.

Just trust me.

- Please? - Okay.

- Two minutes. - Thanks.

Oh, and close the door behind ya.

[door slams]

Hello? Is this The Fish?

Great.

Listen, you don't know me

but I'm a friend of Dorothy Halligan's.

Yeah, big red.

Listen, if I send you 50 bucks

can you turn that into $11,000?

No problem. I've got till Saturday.

(man on radio) 'They're racing stride for stride in this race.

'It's Out Of Body Experience by a neck'

'but here's Naughty Nina on the outside.'

'Here comes Naughty Nina and Out Of Body Experience'

'and it's Naughty Nina by a nose!'

Alright! Yeah!

[indistinct radio chatter]

'...Out Of Body Experience..'

Nick? ALF.

Yeah, I was listening.

Not bad, huh?

Fifty bucks at 6 to 1 odds?

Let's see, that means I won..

...three million dollars!

Wow! Yea..

What? Three hundred dollars?

Oh. Well, uh, let it ride.

(man on radio) '...and it's Cat Killer by half a length.'

Yeah!

I've got the Midas touch.

Okay, Nick, yeah, let's go fifties on four in the fifth

five in the sixth, six in the seventh

and seven in the eighth.

Then, at Hialeah, what I'd like to do is..

So, that's a C-note on the double

then one each on the two exactas.

Yeah, a deuce on the quinella

and a half on the perfecta.

And remember, nothing on the pick six.

I don't wanna seem greedy.

Thanks. And my best to the fish-wife.

Kate, I think your neighbors

are having a garage sale today, too.

You're kidding. The Ochmoneks?

Yeah, they got a couple of beat-up chairs

and an old sofa out on their front lawn.

Oh, yeah, that's the way it always looks.

Mom, how come dad's hockey stick's not out there?

Well, it should be. I know I put it out there.

Oh, it's right next to the bottle

with the Mayflower in it.

It's not the Mayflower, it's the Nina.

Hey, come here, Willie. I want you to see this race.

Oh, I haven't got time to watch a horse race now, ALF.

Not a race, this is the race.

This is the one that's gonna make you very happy.

(man on TV) '...ending on the outside..'

Keep your eye on number nine.

You mean, the one that just fell down?

Uh, yeah. That's the one.

- He's not getting up. - He will. He will.

Maybe he dropped something.

Well, at least the jockey is okay.

Who cares? Get up!

Get up!

Well, thank you, ALF.

If you'll excuse me, I have to put these away.

Nick! ALF.

Does that race count?

Alright, alright.

How much am I up?

Oh, well, then, how much am I down?

Oh. Well, I have to make it back fast.

Put 2000 on..

What? What do you mean I can't bet anymore?

No! No, there's no reason for you to come over here.

Uh, I'll be happy to put a check in the mail.

Hello? Hello?

Kate.

- Quick question. - Yeah?

Hypothetical situation..

...an individual places a bet with a, a professional bookie

okay, for a sizable amount of money.

Let's say, uh, $6000..

...and he loses it

and he can't cover his losses.

Hypothetically..

...what could happen to this individual?

Well, hypothetically, he could have his legs broken.

Why do you ask?

Just making conversation.

Well, I'm... glad we had this talk.

Get up!

[instrumental music]

You think I can get six grand for this?

More like a quarter.

Well, it's a start.

ALF, these are your favorite things.

What do you want to sell them for?

I wanna do my part for the garage sale.

Help the family out of their financial troubles..

...by 5 o'clock.

ALF, we don't have any financial troubles.

- We do now. - What?

Nothing.

Here's some more of your stuff, ALF.

Oh, look, a slinky.

Careful! Don't get a kink in that.

I need to get 500 bucks for it.

You won't.

Yeah? Well, what about this?

A genuine Melmacian survival knife.

There's no blade.

Well, life on Melmac wasn't that tough.

ALF, you have some really nice things here, but..

...I really don't think they're worth all that much.

Alright, I was hoping I wouldn't have

to part with this but, uh...here it is.

My collection of bouillabaseball cards.

What's bouillabaseball?

It's like regular baseball, only you throw fish parts.

- Which parts? - What difference does it make?

How much will you give me for this?

- Nothing. - Wait! Don't answer yet.

What if I threw in an attractive 12 piece set of cookware?

Now, what would you pay?

- Mm. Three dollars. - Sold.

- ALF, I'm not buying that. - We had a deal!

I didn't mean I'd buy it.

I just thought you wanted to know what it was worth.

You're right. I did.

Sorry.

Do you really need to go to college?

[instrumental music]

Kate, we haven't sold one thing.

Well, it's-it's, uh, only been an hour.

Maybe we should've served food.

Mom, this is a garage sale, not a luau.

Well..

Kate, nobody's buying anything.

I know that!

It's just an observation.

I'm gonna see if we have anything in the refrigerator.

(female #1) Excuse me.

I have a question about the price on this lamp.

It's negotiable.

Well, I hope so.

A thousand dollars is ridiculous.

- A thousand dollars? - There must be some mistake.

Uh, th-this looks like the handwriting of a-a two-year-old.

Or someone much, much older.

Uh, pardon me, but, uh, you can't really be charging

$2,500 for this coffee pot.

You can have two and a half lamps for that price.

Uh, we are willing to come down.

I'll give you five bucks.

[scoffs]

You expect us to come down

from twenty-five hundred dollars to five?

Let's look next door.

I saw a nice sofa on the lawn.

Kate. Kate. Are you out of your mind?

Thirty-four hundred dollars for steak knives?

I think this could explain why the sales have been slow.

Maybe you don't understand the concept of a garage sale.

Uh, mom, uh, could you check, uh, the rest of the prices

while Willie and I go in the house and investigate.

Well, I..

Excuse me, ma'am..

...do you have any more of these $800 screwdrivers?

- ALF! - ALF!

- ALF! - Oh, where is he?

(ALF) 'Down here!'

(Willie) 'Well, what are you doing down there?'

Shaking.

Come on out. We know what you did.

You do?

Just tell us why you did it?

I was trying to make a little money.

Where did you get such a crazy idea?

From your mother.

- It was her bookie. - Bookie? What bookie?

[doorbell rings]

That bookie.

What does a bookie have to do with our garage sale?

Kate, do I have to fill in all the blanks?

Just stay here.

Uh, we'll talk about this later.

No! No, don't answer it!

- Let go, ALF. - No!

Get o-o-off!

My life isn't worth a plugged nickel.

Willie, what is going on?

I have no idea.

Maybe your mother's bookie will know.

ALF Tanner, Nicky Mintz.

Hi. Kate, this is Mr. Mintz.

Call me Nick.

The Fish.

Whatever makes you comfortable.

ALF, you sound different in person.

You got a cold too?

Uh, no, no.

I've been sick for a month.

Been taking everything. Nothing works.

Uh, have you tried lemon juice and honey?

You know, my wife suggested that

but I can't digest citrus.

You can try the honey without the lemon.

Yeah, maybe I'll try that.

So, where's my money?

Your money?

Come on, ALF, just give me the six grand

so I can go home and use the vaporizer.

Six grand?

You think I placed a bet with you

and now I owe you $6,000?

Yeah, that's the general idea!

Come on, give me the money.

Bless you.

Thank you.

Mr. Mintz, I'm afraid I don't have $6,000.

You'll find it.

Because if you don't find it

well...let's keep that...hypothetical.

[shatters]

[sneezes]

I should take better care of myself.

Willie...where are we gonna find $6,000?

Maybe somebody will buy the folding chairs.

I, Gordon Shumway, being of sound mind and--

I beg to differ.

Well, I re-tagged everything.

Now, who changed the prices?

Oh, we have rounded up the usual suspect.

He placed a bet with your bookie

and lost six grand!

Uh..

When you say it, it sounds so sleazy.

And now, the mob is after him!

Well, at least some good came out of this.

What are you guys doing in here?

- Yelling at ALF. - Is he in trouble again?

Yeah.

What does it involve this time?

Food or money?

Have I become that predictable?

This time, he seems to have incurred

a rather large gambling debt.

Yeah and your grandmother is largely responsible.

- What? Me? - Yeah.

You introduced me to horse racing

knowing full well how obsessive-compulsive I am.

I depend on you people to protect me from myself.

I have a response to that.

But it's not an informed response.

Look, I did what I did for good reason.

To keep you people out of the poorhouse.

By getting us hopelessly in debt?

Good strategy.

Well, how did you expect to make that balloon payment?

With this pitiful garage sale of yours?

By the way, did the steak knives go?

ALF, we put aside the money

for the balloon payment a long time ago.

Oh. Well, can I borrow six grand of it?

I can help. I have almost $6 saved up.

And I've got a little money.

No one in this family is giving money

to ALF to cover his gambling losses.

- Dad, he was trying to help. - Oh, you're right.

You're right.

ALF, will 6,000 be enough?

Or, uh, shall we advance you

for the next time you try to help?

Thanks for the sarcasm, Willie.

Somewhere out there is a meat hook with my name on it!

[doorbell rings] Oh, my gosh, he's back!

Don't answer it!

Mom, i-is Mr. Mintz a violent man?

Yes...but he's fair.

[doorbell rings]

Let's all slip out the side door.

We don't have a side door.

Well, why don't we?

Just finish your will!

Oh! Uh, you guys, g-go out in the driveway.

See if anybody is buying anything.

Okay.

You know, we're a lot alike.

We just can't keep ourselves out of trouble.

Oh, thank God.

- Excuse me? - No.

Nev-nevermind.

Yes?

Hi, uh, Carl Buck.

I-I was at your garage sale

and I found something I'd like to buy

but I'm not sure if you're selling it.

- Everything outside's for sale. - Yeah.

This thing looked like a spaceship.

Except the spaceship.

Uh, not that it is a spaceship. It could be anything.

It's perfect for the film we're doing.

"Film?" Wh-who exactly are you?

Oh, oh, forgive me. I'm a set decorator.

Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

And I-I was looking for props for our film "Jupiter Guys."

And that ship would be perfect for it.

You sure you don't wanna sell it?

Oh, no, no, we couldn't possibly.

- Why not? - It has sentimental value.

Would you, uh, consider renting it?

- No. - For how long?

- Willie! - No more than a week.

Uh, no. No, we couldn't really.

I was willing to pay 4000.

How about six?

Okay, six.

Willie, uh..

...isn't there someone we should consult about this?

(ALF) 'Take the money!'

It's our, uh, business manager.

So, uh, do we have a deal?

- It's just for one week, right? - Right!

- Deal. - Great.

Uh, who can I make the check out to?

- Uh, Mr. Nick Mintz. - Oh, The Fish?

[instrumental music]

[paper rustling]

What are you looking for, ALF?

Rebate coupons. You?

My Nina.

Good luck, Willie.

- Good luck, ALF. - 'Thanks.'

[cricket chirping]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

Ha! Ha!