Original subtitles

(Raquel) 'Don't you walk away when I'm talking to you.'

(Trevor) 'So stop talkin'!'

'I don't want to talk about it, Raquel.'

(Raquel) 'Well, we're gonna talk about it, Trevor!'

(Trevor) 'You wanna talk about it, talk about it!'

'I'll be in the can!'

(Raquel) 'Don't go in that bathroom when I'm fighting with you!'

'Don't you go in that bathroom!'

[door slams]

(Raquel) 'Okay, then I'm going in the bedroom!'

[door slams]

I'll give her half a point.

Hey, pull up a chair, Willie.

You're missing a good one.

What are you doing?

Watching the Ochmoneks fight.

Trevor's ahead on points.

ALF, you're not supposed to watch people

through their windows, find something else to do.

Willie, there's a power blackout.

There's no TV.

No video games.

I can't play blink the lights.

We're all suffering, ALF.

Why don't you.. Why don't you go out

in the backyard and play?

In this heat?

You could fry a cat on the sidewalk.

Well, I could.

Say, why are you wearing my t-shirt?

This is what people wear when they swelter.

I saw it in "Streetcar."

I don't like you taking my clothes

and I don't like you using my opera glasses

to spy on the neighbors.

Boy, you get irritable when it's hot.

Remind me to never take you to Mercury.

Deal!

[saxophone music]

Hey, would you knock off the sax?

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Willie, write out a check for $6000.

Alright, but, uh

don't cash it till tomorrow.

It's not for me.

I'm ordering a battery-powered home entertainment center.

I wanna be ready for the next blackout.

No checks.

Alright, but it's a bad idea to send cash through the mail.

Lynnie, I've got ALF's plate.

Will you carry everything else?

Yeah.

Uh, nice, solid portion, Alf.

- It's his new diet. - Yeah.

You can eat as much as you want

of whatever you want.

And you lose weight that way?

You do?

- Oh, not another blackout. - Oh.

(Lynn) I guess we'll have to reset the clocks again.

(Kate) Let's not, let's just live a few minutes

behind everyone else.

[burps]

So, what's for dessert?

You're finished already?

What do you do, inhale it?

He-he ate mine, too.

[doorbell ringing]

Get that, will you, Brian?

No way!

- I'll get it. - Pass me the corn.

ALF, go, in the kitchen.

I just got comfortable.

Tell whoever it is to go into the kitchen.

Just go.

Carry me.

ALF.

Alright, alright.

Don't anyone eat my corn.

Go!

[mouthing]

- Hi, Mr. Ochmonek. - Hi, Trevor.

- What is it with women, anyway? - Beats me.

You're a woman. Maybe you'd know.

Well, uh, let's see--

You can't please 'em!

I bring Raquel flowers.

I talk to her once in a while.

You think that makes her happy?

Apparently not.

You're a good kid.

Take my advice.

Don't get involved with women.

Take up swimming.

I get ear infections.

Where was I?

You were putting down all women everywhere.

Right, thanks.

Nothing I do is good enough for Raquel anymore.

So I'm not Gary "Mr. Perfect" Collins.

Hey, she's no Mary Ann Mobley.

Anybody eating this corn?

I guess you are.

[doorbell rings]

If that's Raquel, I'm not here.

Hi, Mrs. Ochmonek.

There you are.

Leave me alone, I'm eating.

I want you to come home with me now, please.

Why, so you can yell at me some more?

I don't think we should be airing our dirty laundry

in front of the neighbors.

Hey, they know we fight.

They watch us through the windows.

No, no, we don't.

No one, in this room

watches you through your windows.

Really?

I always feel someone's watching from this place.

Oh, it's probably our..

...poltergeist.

Trevor, are you coming home or not?

Not!

Uh, Trevor, m-maybe it would be better

if you did go home and you know

uh, kind of talked this thing out.

You could take the corn with you.

Yeah, you're right.

She's going to yell at me, anyway.

I might as well be somewhere I can take my pants off.

I'm sorry about this.

Well, that was fun.

You really should have them over more often.

ALF, did you hear what Trevor said?

Who took my corn?

He said he knows that someone's watching them from this house.

Okay, I'll try not to do it anymore.

Where's my corn?

[instrumental music]

- 'Night, Alf. - 'Night.

What're you doing?

Speed-reading this book.

Really? What's it about?

I have no idea..

...but the fur on my finger's gone.

(Raquel) 'You're like a little kid when it comes to money.'

'We should put you on an allowance.'

(Trevor) 'Hey, I'm the one that earns the money in this family.'

Looks like the Ochmoneks are at it again.

Lynn, it's not polite to listen in on

other people's conversations.

Right. What was I thinking?

- Enjoy your book. - Thanks.

- 'Night. - 'Night.

(Raquel) 'My mother warned me, she said'

'"Don't marry a man who doesn't have a job, and who gambles."'

(Trevor) 'Ah, put a cork in it, Raquel!'

(Raquel) 'Don't tell me what to do!'

(Trevor) 'I'm warning you, Raquel.'

'I've had it up to here with your nagging.'

'Now shut up! You're waking the whole neighborhood!'

(Raquel) 'I won't shut up, I want everyone'

'to know the kind of man I married.'

(Trevor) 'Well, I don't. I'm shutting the window.'

[window shuts]

How can I read with all this quiet?

Ah!

(ALF) 'Call the police!'

Call the police! Call the police!

Horrible! Horrible!

Worse than "Friday the 13th, Part II."

Worse than "Friday the 13th, Part III!"

ALF, what's going on?

Don't ask.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about murder.

I'm talking about mayhem.

I'm talking about foul play.

ALF, get to the point.

- Or go back to sleep. - Alright.

I just saw Mr. Ochmonek kill Mrs. Ochmonek.

- Ah. - Oh, come on!

I'm serious!

I heard them fight.

Then I saw Mr. Ochmonek pick up an ice pick.

Maybe you misinterpreted things.

Oh, right. Maybe they were playing ice pick bingo.

ALF, you're always doing..

Do you remember when you thought Mr. Litwak

was building an atomic bomb in his basement?

It was an atomic bomb.

It was a pool heater.

Ha! They don't even own a pool.

Yes, they do.

They do? Can we go over?

Look, it's hot tonight. You're tired.

You're having a hard time

distinguishing fantasy from reality.

So you're saying I'm crazy?

I'm saying your mind

may have been playing tricks on you.

Fine, don't believe me.

They didn't believe "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."

"The Boy Who Cried Wolf"...lied!

He did?

I've got to stop speed-reading books.

ALF, go, go to bed.

Tomorrow morning you'll realize how silly this whole thing is.

I'll never rest.

Not until that murderer's behind bars.

Alright, maybe I'll take a nap

but I won't enjoy it.

We've got...to get him a hobby.

[instrumental music]

[snoring]

Aah!

Oh, it was only a dream.

I've got to stop eating Styrofoam

before I go to bed.

A-a-ah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

ALF! ALF, are you alright?

- W-what happened? - Aah! Aah! Aah!

- ALF! - Hey, watch the shoulders.

I've got bursitis.

ALF, what were you screaming about?

It was horrible!

Trevor was after me.

I don't see Mr. Ochmonek.

Well, he was here a minute ago.

Check behind the refrigerator.

Brian, ALF was just having a nightmare.

That is exactly what happens to people

who stare into other people's windows.

Isn't he wonderful?

The guy can turn anything into an object lesson.

Well, would you like us to stay with you for a little while?

Yes, please.

Forever.

[sighing] Come on, Brian.

ALF, try to get some sleep.

I can't. I'm too wound up.

I've been through a trauma.

Would it be alright if the rest of us got some sleep?

Sure, Willie.

We wouldn't want you to be cranky tomorrow.

Come on, Lynnie.

Let's go to bed. Goodnight, ALF.

- 'Night, ALF. - 'Goodnight, ALF.'

Okay, don't fall asleep.

Don't fall asleep.

Don't fall asleep.

[metal clanking]

Ignore that.

Ignore that.

[metal clanking]

Oh, heck.

Why must I be so darn curious?

[dramatic music]

Alas, poor Mrs. Ochmonek. I knew her well.

[instrumental music]

[imitating British accent] Oh, hello.

Is this Mr. Ochmonek I'm speaking to?

Oh, jolly good.

I'm doing a survey for the BBC

and I wonder if you'd like to answer some questions?

Super! Uh, first off..

What would you say is the difference between

American and British television?

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Fine, and thank you, Mr. Ochmonek.

Question number two. Did you kill your wife?

- ALF! - Oh, gotta go.

The Queen just dropped by.

What were you doing?

- Just some impressions. - 'Oh.'

Hey, you wanna see my Sammy Davis Jr.?

[imitating Sammy Davis Jr.] You know, this dude, man, and I mean that.

- She is-- - You were harassing Trevor.

Kate, I saw the man bury his wife

in the backyard last night.

Look, don't you remember?

You were dreaming.

No, this was real!

Look, I took these pictures.

These are all black.

You wanted me to use a flash?

The guy's a murderer.

Trevor is not a murderer.

Murderer's do not commit crimes

in front of windows with the shades pulled up.

Yes, they do.

Leopold and Loeb used to leave their shade up all the time..

...and their door open!

Anybody could've walked in.

Oh, please, please.

Just give your imagination a rest.

Justice never rests.

What if I gave justice a cookie?

Justice will think about it.

[instrumental music]

Oh, no!

ALF.

ALF!

Oh, no.

Trevor, don't.

Don't go into the den.

(Willie) 'Oh, Trevor, pick up the phone. Pick up the phone.'

[ringing stops]

Ochmonek residence.

ALF, why are you answering?

It was ringing!

You've got to get out of there!

Who is this?

It's me! It's Willie!

Oh, hi, Willie.

Hey, I can see you through the window.

ALF, Trevor is in the next room. Get out!

Right. Bye.

Oh, Trevor.

Pick up the phone, please.

[phone rings]

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Tanner?

(Willie) 'Yeah, hi.'

Hey, did you call just a minute ago?

No!

I mean, no.

Oh, that must have been the BBC.

(Willie) The BBC?

- No! - Yeah.

Hey, you want to know why their shows are better than ours?

Because they respect their audiences.

Yeah, I'll give you an example.

Last week on the "Benny Hill Show"

Benny meets this guy wearing high heels.

Ah, w-well, Benny's not wearing the high heels.

The other guy is.

Benny's wearing a dress, of course.

'So then, when they meet they're walking down a street..'

(Willie) 'Okay, where is he?'

If you're talking about me, I'm in here.

Honey, what is the matter?

Him! He's what's the matter! Him!

He just broke in the Ochmonek's house.

- 'Ah.' - He went through the drawers.

I didn't break in.

I used a crowbar.

ALF, didn't I tell you not to bother Trevor anymore?

Yeah. How does this sound?

Ladies and gentlemen, of the jury..

That's all I've got so far.

This is the last straw!

Oh, you say that all the time.

This time is--

Look, Willie, you're upset.

I understand that.

But before you pop a blood vessel

let me show you something.

Exhibit A.

Chattering teeth?

These don't chatter.

They belong to Mrs. Ochmonek.

This was her laugh.

Oh, great, now we know

you didn't break in there for nothing.

Now, we know you're a thief.

This proves she was murdered.

People don't pull their teeth and gums out

while they're alive.

ALF, uh..

Those are false teeth.

No kidding? Well, let me try them.

Give me the teeth!

I'm returning these.

And if you ever, ever!

Do you understand?

See the look he gave me?

ALF, why do you do these things?

- I'm a concerned citizen. - Oh.

First they came for the communists..

...but I didn't speak up because..

...I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the Jesuits--

We get the point.

Mom, don't you think it's strange that Mrs. Ochmonek

would leave the house without her teeth?

Maybe she was meeting someone for soup.

Never mind.

Maybe we shouldn't have let dad go over there.

Yeah.

Trevor might decide to become

a serial killer.

They get a lot more publicity.

Mom, what if ALF is right?

ALF, do you see what you are doing here?

You're making everybody crazy!

Honey, Trevor can't be a murderer.

We have known that man for, for years.

Oh! Oh, no!

What? What?

- 'What?' - Oh, he's got his ice pick.

Oh, he's-he's walking towards Willie!

I knew it! Call the police!

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, no!

Honey, go, go into Brian's room. You stay with him.

I'm going over there.

Okay, I'll call the police.

Where's the phone?

Oh, here it is.

Aah! That's the coffee pot!

Aah!

Willie, are you alright?

- Willie! - What's the matter?

[Kate panting]

Hi.

What's that all about?

Oh, well..

Well, the lights went out and, um..

Willie's afraid of the dark.

So, I thought I'd see if he was okay.

Are you okay?

- I'm fine. - Yeah, he's fine.

You're afraid of the dark?

[chuckling]

Yeah, it's not really something I like to talk about.

Trevor, um, could I ask you..

What are you doing... with that ice pick?

Chopping ice.

[sighs]

I see.

Uh, listen, I didn't really know how to bring this up, uh, Trevor

but, um, are these...yours?

No.

They look like Raquel's. Where'd you find them?

Oh, outside.

Oh, I wonder how they got there?

Well, they probably fell out of..

...her mouth.

Well, thanks for being honest enough to bring them back.

No problem.

Well, you know, w-we really should be going now.

Uh, Willie, Lynn is probably worried about us.

Um..

She always worries about us.

Yeah. I gotta get back to cleaning the bathroom.

There's blood all over the place.

What?

Willie, let's go.

Excuse me, is one of you--

T-that's him. He killed her.

What? What's she talkin' about?

She's just jokin', I-I mean, I don't think

we should be making these accusations.

Look, uh, some guy named Willie Tanner called.

Said you buried your wife in the backyard.

Why does ALF always use my name?

Hey, Tanner, why'd you say that?

You know why.

You...were seen digging a hole last night.

Digging.. Ah, that wasn't Raquel I buried.

That was a side of beef.

You expect us to believe that?

Yeah.

I paid a guy 100 bucks for it.

It was heisted off the back of a..

I won it in a raffle..

A meat raffle.

Alright. Alright.

Then, why is there blood in the bathroom?

From the side of beef.

I was cutting it up in the tub

so I could fit it in the fridge.

Anymore questions?

I don't think so.

Can I ask you where your wife is?

She's at her sister's.

The meat went bad and stunk up the house.

Raquel said she wouldn't come back until I dumped it.

Trevor, Trevor, I'm so sorry.

How could you think I'd do something like that?

Sometimes our imaginations just get the best of us.

Trevor, we're really sorry.

Ah, forget it.

Raquel and I used to think you two were moonies.

So we're no better.

- Not again. - Nobody panic.

(Trevor) Yeah, Tanner, don't freak out.

Listen, officer, while you're in the neighborhood

there's a guy named Litwak down the block.

I think he's building an a-bomb in the basement.

(male #1) Now I'll get right on it.

- Did you see something? - No.

(Trevor) Well, I did. What the hell was that?

What are you doing with my teeth?

You gotta be more careful when you talk.

[instrumental music]

ALF.

Oh, hi, Lynn.

What are you doing?

This isn't what it looks like.

You mean, you're not watching the Ochmoneks?

Alright, it is what it looks like.

Look, you promised mom and dad you wouldn't do that anymore.

I know, but I have a good reason.

I'm waiting for them to go to sleep

so I can dig up the meat in their yard.

I'm going to bed.

Do we have any Beaujolais?

Goodnight, ALF.

Sweet dreams.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]