Original subtitles

No, David, you can't sleep over here

because, um, uh, um..

Tell him the house is being painted.

I told him that last time.

Tell him the basement's flooded.

The basement's flooded.

- Okay, bye. - The basement's flooded?

Well, why didn't somebody tell me?

No, the basement's fine.

See, David wanted to sleepover

and Brian was telling him why he can't.

Brian, you shouldn't lie.

Hello, is the doctor in?

Hello?

Unless, of course, the truth has an arrow through his head.

Ha!

[theme music]

[no audio]

[music continues]

I just want you to know how I feel about lying.

Dad's always been against it.

Even though there are certain situations

in which lying is not as wrong as it is in other situations

I want you to know that lying is always wrong.

You understand what I'm saying?

Do you?

I'm working at it.

Hey, Willie, look at this.

It's a squirting flower.

Am I working it right?

Uh, I think you got the basic idea.

Where'd you get that?

I sent away for a whole box of this stuff.

That Taiwan must be the most fun place on Earth.

[doorbell dings]

Oh, ALF, uh, you better go to the kitchen.

But I didn't show you the fake vomit.

Save that for dinner.

Of course, where's my mind.

Don't even think about it.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.

You should really answer the door more quickly.

- I was getting ready to leave. - I'm so sorry.

You're all wet. Is the basement flooded again?

Dad was squirted by a flower.

Oh, Trevor wanted to buy one of those things.

I just put my foot down.

Good for you.

I locked myself out.

Would it be alright if I stayed here

till Trevor came home?

Well, uh, I-I don't know.

Can I ask you something?

Why is there always hair on your couch?

Well, we, uh..

Uh, we-we had a dog..

...and then he ran away.

Years ago.

Before we knew you.

Psst. Psst.

What was that?

Uh, that, uh..

Uh-uh, that must be the pipe acting up again.

Oh, that pipe.

That pipe, I-I think I'll go wrap it in tape.

[squeaking]

One of the dog's old toys.

What is it?

What?

[laughing]

You amaze me.

You're 229 years old

and that's what you think is funny?

Can we talk about this some other time?

I have to make number four.

Uh, how am I supposed to get rid of Mrs. Ochmonek?

I don't know, tell her about that interesting fishing trip

you went on with your father. That'll do it.

Oh, hey, Willie, come here.

Yeah.

[laughing]

Oh, I kill me.

- You're all wet again. - Uh, yeah. I, uh..

- Did another pipe burst? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's right, yeah, yeah.

Right, oh-oh, uh, Mrs. Ochmonek

uh, would you mind, uh, uh, uh

facing the door just for a moment, please?

Why?

Oh, I don't know.

I think, I'll wait for Trevor by the curb.

[Willie sighs]

Never mind, the moment has passed.

[instrumental music]

[snoring]

[beeping]

[beeping]

[snoring]

[beeping]

ALF.

- ALF. - What? What? What?

What are you doing?

Well, I was sleeping 'til you woke me up!

Well, since when do you sleep standing up?

Since I started sleeping with that box on my head.

You look ridiculous.

Well, not everyone sleeps like you.

Mouth open, drooling on the pillow.

How do you know how I look when I sleep?

I go into your bedroom at night and watch you and Kate.

I don't like you doing that.

Well, hey, you were watching me.

I couldn't sleep. I came out to get a glass of milk.

I heard you.. Ah!

Oh, good, it works.

ALF, there are tacks on the floor.

It's my alarm system, in case a burglar shows up.

Getting one of your headaches again?

You know what's good for that? Jogging.

I've been doing a lot of it lately.

I don't think jogging is the answer.

You've been jogging?

Yeah, you can really see the definition

in my thigh muscles.

You actually go outside

in the street where people can see you?

I jog at night. And I wear a dark headband.

Um, uh, I'm gonna go back to bed and drool..

[screaming]

[Kate sighs]

Did you get your milk?

No, I stepped on the tack.

Do these things ever get to you?

No, I-I usually wear slippers.

I'm talking about... the things ALF does.

You know, tacks on the floor

jogging, hair on the couch

squirting flowers, fish in the dryer.

When did he put fish in the dryer?

Well, he hasn't...yet.

You know, you could talk to someone about ALF.

I thought I was.

No, no, no, I mean, someone outside the family

somebody who's not so close to the thing.

But that's just the point, Kate, I can't tell anyone about ALF.

How about Larry? He's a psychologist.

- A psychologist? Kate-- - No, no, no,

I mean, you can trust him. He's not allowed to tell anyone.

Oh, I don't know. Ah..

- I-I'll think about it. - Okay.

Now, we gotta get some sleep.

Now, I gotta get up early in the morning

get a tetanus shot.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you guys would be asleep.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to give Larry a call.

What are you lookin' at?

Well, Mr. O'Hara, I'll see you next week, okay?

And, uh, on your way home, keep telling yourself over and over

there's no such thing as a space creature.

- Hi, Willie. - Hi, Larr.

- I'm next. - Uh..

You still have ten minutes before your session. Come on in.

I don't wanna take up any of your time.

- You mean, my time. - Come on in.

In nine minutes, I'm comin' in there.

Hey, Willie. Whoa, whoa, what's that?

Hey, come on, what's that?

Hey, what brings you to these parts, huh?

Oh, I don't know, uh, nothing much.

I just happened to be in the neighborhood and..

Gosh, I thought that all psychologists had couches.

Well, I used to have one, but I kept falling asleep on it.

[laughing]

Well, I guess, I, uh, I guess I oughta be going.

No, well, why don't you wait outside?

I'll finish this session and, uh

we can have lunch together.

Hey, Willie, is everything alright?

Yeah.

- Anything on your mind? - No, no.

- No problems at home? - No, no.

Just the usual, you know, nothing, nothing major

nothing, nothing really out of..

I have a creature from outer space living with me.

[laughing]

Well, there's a lot of that going around.

Sit down.

This is ALF.

It's not really a.. It's not a very good picture.

I know I should be..

I should really be thrilled having someone

as extraordinary as that living with me

but believe me, it-it has its drawbacks.

Uh-uh, he's got some wonderful qualities

I admit that, but he..

Uh, he can be, well...irksome.

'You know, one minute he's explaining'

the mysteries of the universe and the next minute

he's putting fake vomit on my pillow.

I-I don't know anymore, Larry.

Uh, as a friend, what do you think?

I think I want my couch back.

Well, Larry, there's really no need for you to come over.

Come on, I wanna help. I wanna help.

I'm a psychologist. Anyway, I wanna meet this thing.

Alright, but..

...don't call him a-a thing.

He-he's really very sensitive.

You're talking about me, aren't you?

No, we weren't. No, we weren't.

That figures, nobody ever talks about me, Dr. Dykstra

except me, and I have to pay you to listen to it.

[instrumental music]

Oh, Brian, uh, would you get ALF?

- I think he's in the garage. - Okay.

I wanted to, uh, sort of prepare ALF

a little before Larry gets here.

Mm-hmm.

I think that ALF will like Larry.

Well, I bet, Larry'll like ALF.

This isn't a blind date.

Larry's coming over here to observe

and to make suggestions

about how we can better deal with ALF.

Oh, look, another fly in the ice cube.

ALF's really getting his money's worth

out of this joke kit.

Can you make this fast?

I'm in the middle of drying fish.

Where?

Out on the back porch. Why?

I was just wondering.

ALF, we have a little surprise.

Don't tell me you're serving Lucky for dinner.

Because if you are I want to rent a tux.

No, ALF, we're having a guest over.

Oh, I get it, and the surprise is

I have to stay hidden all evening.

No, actually, the guest is coming here to see you.

Uh-huh. I see.

- You do? - Oh, sure.

You never let anyone see me before

and suddenly you invite someone over.

It's obvious what's happening.

This guy's from the Alien Task Force.

You people are turning me in!

Oh, ALF, no, the man's an old friend of mine.

He's a psychologist.

I assure you, you-you have nothing to worry about.

Okay, let's eat.

Uh, no, no, I wanted to wait until Larry gets here.

Well, is this guy always late?

No, he'll be here. He'll be here any minute.

You're gonna have to chew with your mouth closed tonight.

Alright. But on my planet that's considered very rude!

People think you're hiding something.

ALF, um, do you know what a psychologist is?

Sure, I know all about psychology.

I used to watch the old "Bob Newhart Show."

So why is this guy Larry coming over?

He's-he's going to observe things.

- Observe things? - Mm-hmm.

Like what?

(Willie) Well, like how the family, how..

How the family interacts

uh, how-how we get along together.

Oh, what's he gonna do? Put me under a microscope?

Analyze everything I say?

Ask me questions about my childhood?

[doorbell dings]

- Oh, no! - ALF, calm down.

Right, right, calm, calm.

I'm calm.

Yeah, yeah, Larry's not gonna think

I'm the crazy one.

- Uh, hi, Larry. - Hi, Willie, how are you?

Hey, you're lookin' great.

Hi, Kate. Oh, my God!

I take it he's the alien?

Hiya, Larry.

Nice firm handshake I've got there, huh?

Good sign, right?

ALF, don't kiss up.

Uh, Lynnie, why don't you go check the pork chops?

Okay. Come on, Bri.

So, uh, what do you think of our planet?

Oh, I like it a lot, Larry.

I just wish there was more love and less war.

Not something a psychotic would say, right?

- Oh, ALF. - What?

So, uh, what's new in your life, Larry?

Oh, uh, nothing.

Still packing them four deep on the couch.

Four deep on the couch!

[laughing]

I think we get the point, ALF.

- Dinner's ready. - Oh, good.

After a hearty laugh like that, it's time for a hearty meal.

Every meal's a hearty meal for ALF.

Wait till you see this guy eat.

Why don't we let our guest sit at the head of the table?

(Willie) My, aren't we polite, all of a sudden.

Well, everything looks lovely, Kate.

You've outdone yourself again.

Thank you.

Excuse me, but can someone please pass me

the white boiled potatoes?

Did ALF say please?

Did ALF say pass?

Come on, Larry, chow down.

ALF loves to chow down.

I have a healthy appetite.

Nothing wrong with that, is there?

No.

See, Willie?

I didn't say anything was wrong.

I was just making a comment.

People don't just make comments, they mean things by them.

Right, Larr?

[burping]

ALF, please.

Just making some room for the meal.

That's not something one does at the dinner table.

I'm sorry, Larry. Where are my manners?

You don't have any manners.

Well, you know, in some countries

it's considered a compliment if you burp after eating.

Oh, yes, yes.

Sometimes ALF can be very, very complimentary.

So, Larr, what do you think about this Nicaragua thing?

ALF, why are you talking about Nicaragua?

We always discuss politics at the table.

No, we never discuss politics at the dinner table.

We discuss hair in the food

we discuss what appliances you've broken.

I'm sorry, Larry, this is really

this is not at all the way ALF normally behaves.

Oh, how do I behave?

Well, generally, you do disgusting, gross things.

Uh-uh, go on, then, show him. D-do something disgusting.

(Brian) Yeah, make milk come through your nose.

Brian, don't encourage him.

Would you like some more potatoes? They're very tasty.

He doesn't care about potatoes. Show him the vomit.

Willie, please, I'm trying to eat.

Honestly, Larry, it-it isn't always quite like this.

I have a little exercise that might work, guys.

It's called role reversal.

Now, Willie, you become ALF, and ALF becomes Willie.

That sounds like a good idea.

Oh, I-I-I don't think so.

Afraid of a little personal growth, perhaps?

No, I am not afraid. I just.. I-I think it's silly.

Come on, Willie, give it a try. Larry knows what he's doing.

Yeah, come on, dad, ALF does a great impression of you.

Oh, alright. We wouldn't want to miss that.

Okay, since, uh, since we're at the dinner table

let's just act like we would at the dinner table

and we can start off by you, Willie, being ALF.

[imitating ALF] Food, food, give me more food!

Oh, I haven't had a meal in, oh, a half an hour.

Ha!

Oh, no, ALF. No, no.

No food for you.

You already ate last month.

No, no, no. I don't sound like that.

Oh, come on, Willie, you're doing fine.

- Come on, keep going. - Alright.

[imitates ALF burping]

[imitating ALF] I've finished my meal. Uh..

I guess I'll watch TV, while everybody else does the dishes.

[imitating Willie] I think we watch enough TV in this house.

We should do something more stimulating.

I know, let's conjugate verbs.

[imitating ALF] No, how about..

How about we just break things?

[imitating Willie] Oh, no, no. That would be wrong.

Wro.. Wrong!

[imitating ALF] Alright, then, how about if we, um

how about if we eat the cat, then?

How ya doin', Lucky?

[imitating Willie] Sorry, household rule number 856

subsection D, paragraph two

"We do not eat the cat."

[imitating ALF] Uh, rules, schmules. I hate rules.

I like.. I like anarchy.

[imitating Willie] Well, I don't believe in anarchy.

It's much too spontaneous.

Oh, look, look how late it's getting

and I still have to lay out my clothes

for the rest of the year.

That's it. This isn't helping.

- I quit. - I win.

ALF, there are no winners in this thing.

- Well, I was ahead on points. - That's not true.

Well, I think I've heard enough.

I mean, you guys obviously don't get along, okay?

I-I think, uh, ALF should move out.

- Move out? - Move out?

What does he mean, move out?

Are you sayin' that ALF should get a place of his own?

Well, that-that's crazy. Do you know what rents are?

What am I talking about?

You can move in with me. I've got an extra room.

ALF, you're not going anywhere.

Why not?

Because people would find him out.

Why do you care?

Well, I don't want anything to happen to him.

Uh-huh. You do care what happens to ALF.

Well, of course I care.

I always did.

I-I-I just think that sometimes, it seems that..

...that ALF doesn't care a heck of a lot about me.

Not care?

Not care about the guy who's protected me

and provided for me for all these months?

You-you appreciated all of that?

Of course, I appreciate it.

Hey, if you got a problem, let's talk.

I mean, if fake vomit's not your cup of tea

I'll lose it.

Oh, yeah, I'd appreciate that.

And, uh, in return, I'll-I'll, uh..

...I'll-I'll really try to be...more flexible.

Hey, see what a little communication can do?

Well, I think we've all become a little closer here.

We should toast this occasion.

(Kate) That's a good idea.

Now, come on, dad, make a toast.

Well, uh..

Alright, uh, to, to, uh..

Communication.

[chuckles] Communication.

And to, uh, dribble glasses.

Ha!

[all laughing]

[groans] Oh, hi, ALF.

Hi, Willie.

Night, ALF.

Night, Willie.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]