All language subtitles for ALF.S01E16.Try.to.Remember.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-DAWN_track3_[eng]

If anybody wants me,
I'll be in the whirling hot tub.

We don't have
a whirling hot tub.

I know.
I'm going to improvise.

- Any mail for me?
- No, sorry.

- How about me?
- All of it.

But, ALF, I-I don't want you
joining any more record clubs.

Fine, fine.

Oh, hey, before I forget

I'll need you to write out
a couple of checks.

One to Greenpeace,
the other to the Auto Club.

You're a member
of the Auto Club?

I like the magazine.

I'm not writing
any more checks.

Well, fine,
my checks just came.

Oh, darn.
I ordered sunrise.

They sent me sunset.

- Go take your bath.
- Fine.

I wish these insurance companies
would leave me alone.

I'm already fully covered
through the Auto Club.

I just know he's gonna
get hair in the drain.

He was wearing a shower cap.

Why was he carrying my mixer
into the bathroom?

He said something
about a whirling hot tub.

(ALF)
'Whoa!'

- ALF!
- Oh, my gosh!

ALF? Are you alright?

ALF?

There must be some mistake.

I'm Wayne Schlegel,
Michigan Life And Casualty.

[theme music]

[music continues]

Wayne Schlegel?

Michigan Life And Casualty.

Heh, heh, heh.

Pleased to meet you.

What is he talking about?

I'm talking about your future.

I'm talking about
an insurance plan

that will fit your needs.

I-I think he's trying
to sell us insurance.

Maybe the bump on his head
did something to his memory.

Well, he seems okay otherwise.

He just thinks
he's Wayne Schlegel.

Michigan Life And Casualty.

Look, he must've been reading
this insurance stuff

in the bathroom.

Please take one
of our free calendars.

Thank you.

Oh, the metric tables.

- Listen, ALF.
- Wayne.

Wayne..

...I th-I think that
you should sit down.

Don't mind if I do.
What was your name again?

Kate.

And I'm Lynn..

...Tanner!

Right.
Kate and Lynn Tanner.

Don't tell me.
You two are sisters, right?

Heh, heh, heh.

ALF, I want you to stop this.

You are not an insurance agent.

You're an alien
from the planet Melmac.

Whatever you say.
The customer's always right.

Now, if I can find
my actuarial table.

ALF, she's serious.
Don't you remember?

[electronic device beeping]

Willie?
Wha-what's that?

Oh, my gosh.
It can't be!

The lights.
What happened to the lights?

Daddy, daddy,
what's that thing in the sky?

- What's going on?
- It's closing in fast.

I think maybe we better..

[crash]

We...we have a visitor.

Well?

Well, offhand, I can think
of several policies

that cover roof damage.

But, of course, since
this is a pre-existing condition

you couldn't claim it
under a new policy.

We're not getting
through to him.

What are we going to do?

I don't know. Just..

...don't sign anything.

We're back.

You must be Mr. Tanner.

Good guess, umm, ALF.

Wayne Schlegel.

Michigan Life And Casualty.

Huh? Wha..
What's going on here?

- ALF is...an insurance agent.
- You got a job?

No. Dad, ALF took a bad fall
on the hot tub.

And we think he lost his memory.

Oh, no.
But we don't have a hot tub.

Well, that's good, Willie,
because we don't cover hot tubs.

- It is Willie, isn't it?
- Yes.

We don't cover hot tubs.

We've been trying
to snap him out of it.

Maybe we should call Dr. Jeff.

No, no, Dr. Jeff doesn't handle
this kind of a thing.

- Who does?
- Dr. Demento.

- ALF..
- Wayne.

- Wayne.
- Willie.

ALF, you're not
an insurance agent.

It's not that we have anything
against insurance agents

but that-that's not
what you are.

You're an alien.

I can't believe it!

What do you think it is?

A real alien!

(Kate)
'Willie.'

'Willie, what is it?'

Brian's right.
It's an ALF.

- What?
- An ALF.

An A-L-F. That's short
for alien life form.

Can ALF stay in my room?

No! No, this thing is not
staying in anyone's..

It's not staying!

Why not? ET got to stay.

ET was a movie.
This is real.

This is on our coffee table.

Well, you people sure spin
some crazy yarns.

Heh, heh, heh.

Mind if I use your phone
to call the office?

Office?

I seem to have forgotten
my number.

Well, it's right here
on your business card.

Oh, eh.

Willie, let him call.

Maybe he'll realize
he isn't Wayne Schlegel.

Hi, hon. Wayne.

Yeah, I'm at 5-5-5-4-0-4-4.

Any messages?

Wayne, why do you
sound so funny?

Is your wife with you?

No.

Good, then we can talk.

Where were you today? I waited
at the motel for over an hour.

Uh, I don't remember.

Yeah, well, listen, buster, if
you think I'm gonna wait around

for you forever,
you are out of your mind.

'Either you ask for a divorce
tonight, or we are through!'

Okay, okay! I'll ask her
for a divorce tonight.

Boy, you have a couple of
drinks, a few laughs..

...they think it's forever.

This has gone far enough.

You obviously
haven't met Brenda.

Neither have you.

Now, look,
you're not an insurance agent.

You don't know anything
about insurance.

A few months ago, you didn't
know anything about this planet.

[rattling]

It's the day before Christmas!
I've hidden all the eggs.

Alf, we hide eggs at Easter,
not at Christmas.

Oh, that's right.

Christmas is when
we carve the pumpkin.

Oh, well, there's plenty
to keep you occupied.

We've got, uh, magazines.
This is a jigsaw puzzle.

- It's broken!
- That's the object.

You're supposed to
put it together.

Why?
I didn't break it.

Uh, ALF, how-how would you
like to go outside

uh, throw around the ol'
Frisbee?

- The old what?
- The old Frisbee.

Yeah, here.
I'll-I'll show you how it goes.

I guess I'm not in the mood.

Alright, let me see if I've got
this reindeer thing straight.

There's, uh, there's Dasher..

...Dancer..

...Comet, Cupid..

...Matthew, Mark,
Luke and John.

No, it's Prancer, Dancer..

...Vixen, Blitzen..

Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

No, those are ducks.

Then how do they pull the sled?

Just keep your distance,
alright?

And try to be considerate.

No problem.

That is not considerate!

That is the opposite
of considerate!

That is inconsiderate!

So, now, isn't it obvious
you're not this Wayne Schlegel?

The only thing that's obvious

is that your minds
aren't on insurance.

Listen, nobody likes to think
about the inevitable

but you do have a responsibility
to your family.

- He's right, dad.
- We don't need insurance.

And I hope you never do.
Knock wood.

But I'll leave some brochures.

You can call me
when you're ready to talk.

By the way, Willie,
are you parked behind me?

- I don't think so.
- Good.

Where did I put my coat?

In fact,
where did I put my pants?

Oh, my God! I'm naked!

Well, not to us, you aren't.

Okay, so you're free thinkers,
but I'm not!

I want my keys, I want my pants,
and I wanna leave.

- Don't let him go!
- Oh!

- Out of my way, all of you!
- No!

Oh, no.

First, you strip me.

Now, you're holding me prisoner.

I've heard about this happening
to other insurance agents

but I never thought
it would happen to me.

[instrumental music]

You can't keep me here!

This is for your own good,
Wayne. I mean ALF!

You're in big trouble, mister.

You're going to go
to jail for this.

You may never get out!

And if you do,
just try getting insurance!

Please, please, ALF.
Just, just try to calm down.

And maybe, maybe things
will start coming back to you.

I don't want to calm down.
I'm a high-energy salesman.

How do you think I made
the Million Dollar Club?

Look around you, ALF

doesn't any of this
seem familiar to you?

Is that what this is all about?

Did I have an affair
with your wife too?

[alarm ringing]

- Morning.
- Morning.

Hey, I'm sorry.

One thing just led to another,
Willie.

No, no, no.

I think we can be
reasonably sure

that that did not happen.

In fact, at first,
the two of you

didn't even really..

She detested you.

[both screaming]

- Willie!
- Willie!

- What's going on over there?
- Nothin'.

Just screaming.

- Move out of the way.
- No problem.

Let me put it this way, Willie.

I don't think
this is going to work out.

I'll take care of it.
Everything's fine.

Everything's under control.

[toilet flushing]

Interesting concept.

So we straightened that out.

I didn't have an affair
with your wife.

Now, if you'll just
give me my pants.

I can't let you leave.

Look, if the plan
is to hold me for ransom

you could forget about it.

My company has a policy of not
negotiating with terrorists.

We do, however,
have some other policies

you might be interested in,
Willie.

In fact, I could set you up
with a whole life..

- How old are you?
- I'm 45.

Hmm, 45.
We better act fast.

I could set you up
with a whole life policy

that will benefit you and
your family for years to come.

Just think about this, Willie.

[humming]

Oh, eh, hello, Dr. Schnegmeier.

Uh, yeah.
Uh, listen, uh, doctor..

...it seems that a, a houseguest
of ours has, uh..

...come down with amnesia.

No. We can't bring him in.

Uh, listen, isn't there
some kind of, you know

home remedy we can try?

Breathing into a paper bag
or.. What?

What does he say to do?

Hit him on the head
with a rolling pin.

No, I don't think that's funny.

No, I don't watch
"The Three Stooges."

You're right, I should.

Uh, listen, doctor, I-I think
we'll try the hospital.

Yes, I-I'm sure
he has insurance.

Bye-bye.

Should I get the rolling pin?

No. We can't hit him on the head
with a rolling pin.

At least we shouldn't.

We certainly can't take him
to the hospital.

So we're stuck having
an insurance agent

living in our laundry room.

Why does ALF keep doing
things like this?

Oh, mom, it's not like
this is his fault.

He's like a three-year-old.

You have to keep your eye
on him constantly.

["Old Time Rock 'N' Roll"
on tape player]

¶ Just take those old records
off the shelf ¶

¶ I'll sit and listen
to 'em by myself ¶

¶ Today's music
ain't got the same soul ¶

¶ I like that old time
rock 'n' roll ¶

¶ Don't try to take me
to a disco ¶

¶ You'll never even get me
out on the floor ¶

¶ In 10 minutes
I'll be late for the door ¶

¶ I like that old time
rock 'n' roll ¶

¶ Still like that old time
rock 'n' roll ¶

¶ That kind of music
just soothes the soul ¶

¶ I reminisce
about the days of old ¶

¶ With that old time
rock 'n' roll ¶¶

[music stops]

Maybe we should
have called first.

Well, I had the music
pretty loud

I probably wouldn't have
heard the phone.

[gasping]

So how was the shower?

- Look at this!
- What in the world?

ALF, what are you
doing in my dress?

Sorry, I thought it was Lynn's.

You've really done it this time.

Any semblance of faith or
trust I had in you is gone.

Willie, my jewelry box
is missing!

So are my good gold cuff links..

...and my good watch!

And my antique cameo!

Where are they?

Probably being pawned.

The police are here.

What'd you do, ALF?

Sure, blame the guy
in the dress.

Now, don't make a sound.
Stay right here.

And take off that dress!

Alright, but I feel it
only fair to warn you

I'm not wearing
anything underneath.

Willie, my man,
I gotta tell you

this thing flies like the wind.

Where are you?
Where, what happened?

I don't know.

All I did was turn
the engine on

before I knew it,
I was on the freeway.

What freeway?

(ALF)
'The one headed for Oxnard.'

[vehicle honking]

Nice move, buddy!

Yeah? You're another one!

ALF, ALF, pull off the road.

Pull the car off the road.

I can't.
I'm in the fast lane.

Although you'd never know it

by the way these clowns
are driving.

Come on, lady!
This ain't a parade!

ALF, don't yell at other
drivers. They'll see you.

No way.
I'm driving too fast.

Hey! Ever hear of a turn signal?

Just look, ALF, listen to me.
Look at the road signs.

Try to find out,
locate exactly where you are.

Well, eh,
I just passed the Motel 6.

Hey, they're having
a beekeepers convention.

[buzzing]

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Ow! Gotta go!

Could you hold this wire
while I turn on the juice?

- Sure.
- Right there.

You know,
that's my shortwave radio!

Do you know how long I..

L-o-o-ng.

It took me ten years
to put that thing together.

I'm glad to see
you haven't wasted your life.

First, the phone.
And now, the radio.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what about the phone?

You're on it all the time.

Fine! First,
I can't use the radio.

Now I can't use the phone.
What next?

The curling iron?
Your toothbrush?

- You use my toothbrush?
- Yours is the green one, right?

It was.

- William Tanner?
- Yes.

I've got a delivery here for you
from the Terry Faith Company.

Hold it, wait just a minute.
I'm not signing anything!

No signature is necessary.

This was all paid for
over the phone.

I'll be back with the rest
when I get a bigger truck.

Keep the faith.

Four thousand dollars.

Yep, that matches my total.

ALF, how were you able to
purchase $4000 worth of makeup?

Plastic!
I put it on your Visa.

Oh, incidentally,
you're over your limit.

[groaning]

Whoa!

Grease fire! Grease fire!

(Kate)
'ALF!'

(Willie)
'Oh, no! Oh, no!'

(ALF)
'Never mind the curtains,
put me out!'

Well, we did get new curtains.

The other curtains
were new curtains.

Maybe we can get Wayne
to give us ALF insurance.

Before we moved offices,
we must have only had maybe 12

1500 square feet.

'We were literally packed
in there like sardines.'

Huh! Well, that place
was so small

I had to go into Sadowsky's
office to change my mind.

Heh, heh, heh.

Where are you going with that?

I thought Mr. Schlegel
might want a snack.

Heh, heh, heh.

Of course,
in our new place..

Oh, by the way,
did I give you a business card?

'In the new place, the traffic
flow is much better.'

And we've got a men
and a women's restroom.

Yeah. Well, the underwriters
are pretty happy about that.

Boy, they sure are.
I've never seen them so..

Are you listening, Willie?

[knocking on door]

You know, I liked you better
as an alien.

You were annoying,
but you were never boring.

Oh, hi, Brian.

I brought you a snack,
Mr. Schlegel.

At least somebody
has compassion!

What is this junk?

Your favorite food.
Donuts and brownies.

What are you trying to do,
kill me?

I'll have you know I've got
a very delicate stomach.

[burp]

Nice meal, Kate.

Even though the portions
were extremely small.

I'm sorry
we had only one pot roast.

Well, you two get these holidays
straightened out

I think I'll just go
make breakfast.

Not necessary,
I already made breakfast.

Sloppy Joes and fiberglass.

There's hair
in this tuna fish.

I like it.

He must be hungry.
He didn't even say grace.

Grace.

Is something wrong?

(female #1)
'Some people won't eat red meat,
some won't eat sugar.'

Some won't eat fried foods
or dairy products.

You didn't eat
all the cat food too, did you?

No way! I draw the line
at intestinal by-products.

Take this food away, son.

I'm not eating
until you let me go.

[sighs]
What am I going to do?

I know.

What if I..

What if I show you a mirror?

Alright, maybe I need a shave.

Is this the face
of an insurance agent?

Yeah.

Alright, I'm no Burt Sadowsky

but then Burt Sadowsky's
not in the Million Dollar Club.

This isn't..
You're not an insurance agent.

You're an alien.
Can't you see that?

Listen, Willie,
what do you want from me?

You obviously
don't want a policy.

I want you to get
your memory back.

Is that it?

Okay. Hey, hey,
it's coming back to me now.

It's like a veil being lifted.
I'm-I'm an alien.

Yeah, that's what I am. And I'm
from the planet, uh, Milsap.

- Melmac.
- Fine. Can I have my pants now?

You're not going to leave here!

Hey! We had a deal, Willie.

I'm sorry. You're just going
to have to trust me.

It's far too dangerous
for you out there.

Mrs. Tanner, we've received
an anonymous tip

that you might be harboring
a space creature.

- Space creature?
- Yes.

Hairy. About three feet tall.

Is, um,
is he considered dangerous?

Hard to tell
until we get it to the lab.

And, uh, what would you do
if-if you did get him?

You know, in the lab?

The usual battery of tests.

We'll see how it responds
to intense heat, freezing cold.

High voltage,
toxic substances

pain, sleep depravation

inoculation, that's needles.

And of course, dissection.

[gulping]

Why don't you just..

...pull its toe nails out?

You didn't let me finish.

I know what that is,
it's an anteater.

Are you sure?

Yeah, and it's against the law
to shoot anteaters.

What are you talkin' about?
You can shoot anteaters.

[spits]

'I don't care what he is.'

I'm gonna take him out
and butcher him.

[gasps]

Why do you always
get to do all the butchering?

Because you usually end up
mutilating all the good meat.

I'll get the chainsaw,
you make the salad.

[grunts]

Trevor, is there
such a thing as a cross

between a kangaroo
and an aardvark?

(Trevor)
'Aw, stop
putting yourself down.'

I'm not talking about me.

I'm talking about that thing

'staring at me
from that bathroom window.'

(Trevor)
'What?'

I don't see nothin'.

Well, it was there a second ago.

And I think it was shaving.

Yeah, right.
And I'm Sean Penn.

[gasps]

Alright, let's see
if I'm following this, Willie.

There are people out there
who want to hurt me.

So-so you're protecting me
by locking me

naked in your bedroom
and feeding me sugar.

Something like that.

I'm gonna go find Kate
and see if she's found anyone

to help you.

Yeah, see if she can find
any help for you!

It's obvious
I'm not gonna make this sale.

I'm not getting anywhere
with him.

D-did the doctor give you
any advice?

Yeah, but it didn't help.

Mrs. Ochmonek
has my rolling pin.

Dad, isn't there some sort
of a psychiatric hotline

we could call?

Yes. 5-5-5-8-5-3-3.

I-I memorized that number
when ALF moved in.

Oh, sorry, ALF.

ALF, what are you doing
on the phone?

Ha! your goose
is cooked now, bucko!

I've called the police!

[laughing]

He's called the police.

I can't believe
you called the police.

Believe it, pal.
What goes around comes around.

What are we gonna do
when the police come here?

Well, why don't you tell them
that they're aliens

and then take their clothes?

Look, who took whose clothes!

You don't know
the mistake you just made!

Yeah? Well, you're the one
who's making a mistake.

Tangling with a man from..

(all)
Michigan Life And Casualty.

Now the cops are gonna
lock you up.

And you'll get a taste of what
it's like to be a prisoner.

I already know what that's like.
Thanks to you!

I can't believe ALF
actually used your shortwave

to call the president.

Shh!

I don't know what happened.

All I know is somebody
used my radio.

And now I'm a criminal,
and they're going to hang me.

Willie, I don't think
they hang people anymore.

But they think I'm a threat
to national security.

A terrorist.

Kate..

...I'm not a terrorist.

Honey, I know that.

I'm not going to prison.

I saw "Midnight Express."

You remember?

They made him eat bugs.

Th-that was "Papillon."

In "Midnight Express,"
they broke his feet.

I stand corrected.

How about "Stir Crazy?"

That wasn't so bad.

That was a comedy.

Willie, stop.

It's obvious
you have to tell the truth.

Of-of course the truth.

I'll just,
I'll explain it to them.

An alien took control
of my radio.

"Uh, why would he do that?"
they'll ask.

And I'll say, "Because I
wouldn't let him use the phone."

So you were an ex-con?

Then you're familiar
with your Miranda rights.

Look, I'm not the one
who's going to jail here, buddy!

You're not my buddy.
You're not my buddy!

But you could have been
if you hadn't taken my pants.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

It's for Wayne Schlegel.

Hello?

Wayne?

Wayne...I'm sorry
I lost my temper.

But you see
Tubby had just come in

and dumped a whole stack of
workmen comp files on my desk.

And then he had the nerve
to ask me to alphabetize them.

Oh, I guess I just took it
all out on you.

Look, honey..

I pressured you, Wayne,
and I'm sorry.

I know that wasn't part
of our arrangement.

Look..

...if I have to share you..

...so be it.

There's enough
of Wayne Schlegel to go around.

So let's just pretend
the whole thing never happened

and I'll meet you in our usual
place in half an hour, okay?

I'd love to, but I can't.
I'm being held hostage here.

Oh, sure,
just like the last time

when you had to go to Sweden
to accept the Nobel Prize.

We are through, Mr. Schlegel!

In fact, right after I finish
alphabetizing these files

I'm going over to your house

and telling
your wife everything.

Goodbye, Wayne Schlegel!

No! Hello? Hello?

[glass shattering]

Oh! I've just lost
a perfectly good marriage

thanks to you.

Not to mention a fantastic..

Hey, hey!

...secretary!

What are we gonna do?

Let's look at our options.

We have no options!

The police are gonna come here
and search our house

for a kidnapped insurance agent
named Wayne Schlegel.

Michigan Life And Casualty.

I thought we didn't have
a Wayne Schlegel.

We don't have a Wayne Schlegel.

Instead we have an alien
from outer space.

They'll just have
to be content with that.

So we're just gonna give up?
Is that what you're saying?

Well, it looks like
we may have no other choice.

That's very sensible of you.

I'll talk to the judge

and tell him
I was treated very well, Willie.

Well, I'm not gonna give up.

- Look, ALF.
- Wayne.

No, you're ALF,
and I'm Lynn.

We're friends.

Don't try to strike
an independent deal.

Don't you remember
how close we were?

Oh, ALF.

What are we gonna do with you?

I guess you'll just
have to love me

for as long as it lasts.

We will.

¶ Big wheel keep on turnin' ¶

¶ Proud Mary keep on burnin' ¶

¶ Two three four ¶

¶ Rollin' ¶
¶ Rollin' ¶

¶ Rollin' ¶
¶ Rollin' ¶

¶ Rollin' on the river ¶
¶ Rollin' on the river ¶

¶ Rollin' ¶
¶ Rollin' ¶

¶ Rollin' ¶
¶ Rollin' ¶

¶ Rollin' on the.. ¶
¶ Rollin' on the.. ¶¶

Wait a second.

That's rock 'n' roll.

I don't listen to that garbage.

It's nothing but a bunch
of satanic messages.

No, that's not true.
And you love rock 'n' roll.

You even wrote me a rock song!

I'll play the video for you.

I'm against rock videos!

They contribute to the
delinquency and destruction

of the family unit.

Well, this video
hasn't done that.

Not yet, anyway.

[instrumental music]

[rock music]

¶ Take a look at me ¶

¶ And tell me what you see ¶

¶ Just another pretty face ¶

¶ Someone from out of town ¶

¶ Who came to hang around ¶

¶ And looked
a little out of place ¶

¶ You say you wonder what
on earth I'm doin' here ¶

¶ I'm only here
to tell you girl ¶

¶ I may be an unknown
from the twilight zone ¶

¶ But you're the one
who's out of this world ¶

¶ You're the one
who's out of this world ¶

¶ Sweet baby ¶

¶ You're the one
who's out of this world ¶

¶ I'm spinnin' in an orbit
I ain't never been in ¶

¶ 'Cause you're the one
who's out of this world ¶

¶ You're the one
who's out of this world ¶

¶ Sweet baby ¶

¶ You're the one
who's out of this world ¶

¶ I'm spinnin' in an orbit
I ain't never been in ¶

¶ 'Cause you're the one
who's out of this world ¶

¶ You're the one
who's out of this world ¶

¶ Sweet baby ¶

¶ You're the one
who's out of this world ¶

¶ I'm spinnin' in an orbit
I ain't never been in ¶

¶ 'Cause you're the one
who's out of this ¶

¶ You're the one
who's out of this ¶

¶ You're the one
who's out of this world ¶¶

Well, I admit some of those guys
do look like me, but--

They don't just look like you,
they are you!

I-I mean that is you!

Yeah, right.

Anything else you wanna tell me

before they haul you
off to jail?

ALF, you made me that video
because you cared about me.

You thought you loved me.

Loved you? I'm married.

I just can't think
of my wife's name right now.

ALF, you are not married.
You live with us.

You are a part of our family.

We are not harboring
any space creatures!

Fine, thank you.
Have a nice day.

Thanks, mom.

Thanks, mom.

Yeah, thanks..

...mom.

I love this woman.

- Thank you, dear.
- Oh, happy birthday, darling.

Happy birthday, daddy.

Oh, thank you, son.

- Many more, dad.
- Thanks. Thanks, sweetheart.

Thank you, ALF.

Thank..

Oh!

Whoa! Not bad.

Still waters run deep there,
William.

So I'm part of the family, huh?

Well, then tell me,
what side of the family

does this nose come from? Ha!

That's ALF's laugh!

Whoa!
Where did that come from?

See,
you're not a blood relative.

You're-you're a part
of our family because..

...because of the way
you've affected our lives.

- Made them...more interesting.
- Unique.

- Fun.
- Bizarre.

Pan the room..

...and ready..

...action!

[keyboard music]

¶ Saturday ¶

¶ Saturday ¶

¶ Saturday ¶

¶ Saturday Saturday ¶

¶ Saturday ¶

More emotion!

¶ Saturday ¶

¶ Saturday Saturday ¶¶

Hey, back off there, Willie Bob.
Let me give it a shot.

- 'ALF?'
- What?

I'm going into a trance now.

Ah-h-h-h-h-h.

Mm-m-m.

[gasping]

You don't have to
make rude noises.

That's alright.
I don't mind.

Hey, Willie, come here.
Listen to this.

Let me know
when this gets irritating, okay?

[screeching]

Now! Now!

It's irritating almost at once.

Let me see
what Willie's got in his coat?

Oh! Oh, my gosh,
it's somebody's hand!

Shh! It's a glove.

Oh!

We appreciate all the trouble
you've gone to.

I mean cutting roses
so they look like radishes.

And making pate.

And very good pate too.

Wha-what-what's in it?

Oh, let me guess.

There's lobster,
there's sour cream

but there's-there's
something else.

Play-Doh.

- That's it.
- The fluorescent kind.

I wanted it to be special.

I'm just going to go
brush my teeth.

Oh, gross! What is that?

It's a slime ball.

- ALF!
- I know what you're gonna say.

I shouldn't bring treats
to the table

unless I have enough
for everyone.

Well, we're in luck.

No, we're not.

You sure?

There's a surprise
in the center.

ALF, where did you get those?

Melmac.

I usually buy wild cherry

but all they had left was slug.

(Lynn)
'Oh!'

[piano music]

¶ I just checked
into the parasite hotel ¶

¶ They ain't got a porter
or a bell ¶

¶ I checked
into that parasite hotel ¶¶

- ALF.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Was I playing too loud?

I didn't know
you could play the piano.

Well, I was winging it.

It's tough to play
without the red keys.

I think you should leave this
for a qualified repairman.

Well, Mr. Smarty.

It's Mr. Science.

For your information,
I've-I've located the problem.

There's no power going into
the high-voltage transformer.

- Hey, you want power?
- 'That would help.'

Your call.

[electrical crackling]

[explosion]

Willie, it was an accident.

An accident?

You almost killed me..

...and you say
it was an accident?

Alright, let's call it
a mistake.

The droid says to the kranvall

"To tell you the truth

"I'd feel even better
if she lived

another six light years away."

[laughing]

'Yeah, yeah!'

I-I think that really
was a, was a..

Six, six light years away!

I guess you had to be there.
I was!

[laughing]

I'll tell you
my favorite droid joke.

Wait, what's a droid?

You're remembering!
ALF, you are in there!

- He's starting to remember!
- Yeah.

I-it must be working.

Quick, let's remind him
of other things, like, um..

Like the time you washed dad's
camera in the washing machine.

Or, uh, the time
you waxed the driveway.

Or the time you built
the termite farm in the attic.

Hey, hey, I heard
it was the food of the future.

You do remember!

No! I-I don't even know
why I said that.

You're getting me all confused.
You're-you're brainwashing me!

We just want our ALF back.

Why are you so hung up
on this guy anyway?

He seems like nothing
but a pain in the neck.

Well, not entirely.

See, why do you think
we were so upset

about you calling the police?

It's-it's not because we were
afraid of getting caught.

It's because we were afraid
of losing you.

I don't wanna lose you, ALF.
You're my best friend.

Come on, Brian, give us a hug.

Oh, ALF.

Happy birthday, kid.

I love you.

Yeah, me too.

Well, I'm in the wind.

Ciao.

Arrivederci.

Goodbye.

And goodnight, Mrs. Ochmonek..

...wherever you are.

You missed your ride!

Yeah, I guess I did.

He's staying!
ALF's staying!

You gave up Rhonda for us?

Ah, she'll only want me more
after a couple of centuries.

Aren't you gonna miss her?

Yeah.

But, uh..

...I guess
what it boils down to is..

...I'd miss you more.

You love us that much?

Yeah. I guess I do.

We love you too, ALF.

We really do.

Let's not get maudlin!

Welcome home..

...ALFmeister.

[scratching]

Say, what is that
scratching noise?

What scratching noise?

It's coming from your suitcase.

What suitcase?

Lucky, you bad boy!
What are you doing in there?

I told him,
"No suitcase, no suitcase!"

Argh!

Why would I be putting a cat
in a suitcase?

On a dinner plate,
I can understand.

Breast of cat, but..

Wait a minute!
That's crazy!

But it does sound tasty.

Yo, Kate, where do you
keep your casserole dishes?

Why?

The cat won't fit
in the toaster.

Cat hairs.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

Persian, '78.

[sniffing]

Could be a '79.

(ALF)
'Your eyelids
are growing heavy.'

You are getting sleepy.

You are no longer a cat.

You are a bagel.

- What are you doing?
- Hey! You scared me.

- You ought to wear a bell.
- What's going on here?

Um, I was, uh, I was just
teaching Lucky how to tell time.

[cat screeching]

He's quick!
I'll give him that.

No! It's not true!

Brian, go get Lucky!

Alright, syllogism.

Insurance agents
do not eat cats.

I am an insurance agent,
therefore I do not eat cats.

- Yes, you do!
- But you do!

- 'You do.'
- I don't!

Right now, I could walk over
to that refrigerator over there

you know, take out a couple
of slices of whole wheat bread

a little mayo
and slap together a BLT.

That's bacon, Lucky,
and tomato.

[laughing]
Yeah, I could do that.

But I won't.

And why is that?

Because..

...they trust me.

But don't get too comfortable.

I don't know anymore!

Maybe I do,
maybe I don't eat cats!

I don't know! I don't..

Lucky! Ah-h!

Yes!

It worked!

He's back!

What about my back?

Yep, he's back.

Are you okay?
What do you remember?

Let's see,
the last thing I remember

is this big flash of light.

I smiled, because I thought
someone was taking my picture.

And that's about it.

Oh, and also
that term insurance

is cheaper than whole life.

Well, it's a start.

[knocking on door]

Oh, my gosh, it's the police!

Now, what did you guys do?

I swear if it's not one thing
with this family it's another.

Hey, what am I doing
in this cheap polyester suit?

Come on, ALF,
you'd better go.

Fine, if you all need me

I'll be
in the whirling hot tub.

Okay, thanks.

Good news.

- We located Wayne Schlegel.
- Oh.

He was in the hospital.
His wife got to him first.

We'll-we'll have
to go visit him.

I'm so glad we got that
cleared up.

I just knew the whole thing
had to be a practical joke.

[chuckles]

Sorry we had to search
your home.

- I'm sure you understand.
- No problem.

I'll send you
one of our safety brochures.

Now, remember, 33% of all
accidents happen in the home.

And that number goes up
when you live with an alien.

Is the heat gone?

Yes.

But I hope you remember
what he said

about misusing appliances.

No. I was hiding in the dryer.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]