Original subtitles

¶ Jingle bell jingle bell rock ¶

¶ Jingle bell swing and jingle bells rings ¶¶

Morning.

[groans]

Willie...your Uncle Doug is dead.

Uncle Doug's been dead for two years.

I know. So, stop sending him Christmas cards.

Oh, Willie, I-I want you to see this.

Look, here. The very first Christmas card we ever got.

[groans]

"From our good friends..

...at the gas company."

Oh, that was a good first Christmas, wasn't it?

We relaxed, we-we stayed in bed late.

Hmm, it was too cold to get up.

Our friends at the gas company..

...turned off the heat.

But, uh, as I recall

we, uh, we weren't in any big hurry to get up anyway.

- Hmm. - 'Merry Christmas!'

[rattling]

He knows when we're awake.

It's the day before Christmas.

I've hidden all the eggs.

ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.

Oh, that's right.

Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin.

Oh, you two get these holidays straightened out

I think I'll just go make breakfast.

Not necessary. I already made breakfast.

Sloppy Joes and fiberglass.

I'll just go find the eggs.

Why did you, uh, make us breakfast?

Because of the list.

- What list? - Santa's.

You know, the fat guy that dresses in velvet?

I found out that he watches everything you do..

...writes it down

and if your naughties outnumber your nices..

...you don't get toys.

- So, you made us breakfast. - It can't hurt.

Oh, oh, and I've got another surprise for ya!

- 'Yeah?' - 'Willie.'

(Kate) 'Our Christmas tree!'

ALF, what have you done?

I don't wanna spoil the surprise.

ALF, you cut our tree into firewood.

You're welcome.

[rattling]

[theme music]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

Alright, let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight.

There's, uh, there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

No, it's Prancer, Dancer..

...Vixen, Blitzen..

Huey, Dewey and Louie.

No, those are ducks.

Then how do they pull the sled?

Okay, the lights are ready. Now, all we need is a tree.

Well, your dad should be here with a new one soon.

- What's taking him so long? - Oh, you know your father.

He has to find just the perfect tree.

Well, I hope he makes it back before it snows.

It's gonna snow? Neat!

- No, it's not! - Sure, it is.

It always snows at Christmas. I saw it on TV.

All the stuff floats down and covers the whole town

and people go sledding and make snowmen.

Then Santa slides in on a rotary shaver.

ALF, it doesn't snow in this part of the state.

Wait a minute. I saw snow on "Mr. T's Christmas Special."

And they tape in Burbank.

- ALF, that was fake snow. - Well, that's it for Christmas.

ALF, uh, it is possible to have Christmas without snow.

I don't wanna talk about it. Let's move on to New Year's.

Mom, I found another egg.

Oh, ALF, you said you got them all.

All but that one. I swear.

Here's one more.

And the one in the philodendron.

Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I'm late.

- Hi, dad. What's in the box? - 'Hi, honey.'

Where's the tree? Where's the tree?

The tree. The-the box.

Uh...let-let me just explain.

Why-why are you holding eggs?

- Didn't you get a tree? - Oh, no.

I mean, yes. I-I-I mean...yes.

Let's start with a simple question.

What's your name?

Please, please, let me try to explain this in my way.

You see, I went to every lot in town.

I found lots. Empty lots.

Except one where this man named Fahid..

...had just this one tree left.

So, where is it?

He was auctioning it off to the highest bidder.

I-I dropped out when the price got to a $100.

- I-I have my pride. - And we have no tree.

We have a tree. We have a Christmas tree.

And it's right here.

Behind the box?

It's in the box.

A fake tree.

It's a lifelike simulated tree. Yes.

What do you do? Just add water?

No, we put it together, together.

Yeah, it-it'll be a fun family project.

And it comes with a can of simulated snow.

If you had gotten two cans

we could have made a simulated snowman.

"One hundred and twenty five." What does that mean?

"$125." That's the price.

Is my math way off

or is that more than you would've paid Fahid?

It's more, but it's less.

I'm talking to Carnac.

It's more now, but it will be less

because you see this tree is guaranteed for 25 years.

Now, if you amortize that for the whole period

that's just, that's just five dollars a year.

So, uh, we're gonna be stuck with this thing

for over a quarter of a century.

When you see it assembled it will be fine.

- You'll see. - I agree.

- I think a fake tree is fine. - Mm-hmm. And I'm with Lynn.

It doesn't matter what kind of tree it is.

The tree is just a symbol. Right, Brian?

- What's a symbol? - He agrees.

Well, this whole thing stinks if you ask me.

Nobody is asking you.

Well, I'm not waiting for an invitation.

First, you dropped the fake snow on me

then you come waltzing in here

with this miserable excuse for a tree.

May I remind you, it was you who chopped up our real tree?

I knew you'd bring that up.

[people caroling]

There's people out, they're singing.

[people caroling]

Hey, you want me to get rid of 'em?

No, no. ALF, they're caroling.

Then why are they singing?

- Kevin's out there! - Yeah.

- And Melisa. - Hi!

- Can I go with them? - Well, I don't see why not?

- Let's all go. - Yeah.

- Honey, let's go. - Oh, yeah, sure. Let me just..

Uh, no, you know what, I-I wanna stay here

a-a-and-and assemble the tree.

I'll catch up with you at the manger by the gas station.

Well, honey, I don't want you to miss the caroling.

I'm not gonna miss the caroling. No, no!

This tree isn't gonna take long to put together

and-and then we'll all decorate when you get back.

Okay, we'll-we'll see you there.

- Okay. - Bye.

You really gonna let Brian go caroling?

Well, sure, why not?

Well, on Melmac, caroling was definitely not for children.

How come?

Well, you'd have to know Carol.

[instrumental "Deck The Halls"]

Excuse me, would you mind some constructive criticism?

Yes, I would.

Why don't you read the instructions?

They're in Japanese.

Then I'll read them.

[reading in Japanese]

Well, what does it say in English?

"So...you weren't able to buy a real tree.."

Just skip to the instruction part.

"Step one, paint the trunk green."

Paint not included.

Let's see. I'll be able to handle this myself.

Alright. You're on your own.

Pretend I'm not here.

Just like I'm doing with that tree.

Well, look at that.

"Four inches of snow in Clayton, Georgia."

Oh! Darn! Now, I'll have to tape it.

"Twelve inches in Buffalo."

I should have bought a real tree.

It's only once a year. I could have paid the money.

Wow!

"Six inches of snow in the Angeles Forest."

Now there's no more real trees.

The lots are closed.

The Angeles Forest..

Yeah. They have snow.

Everyone has snow, but the Tanners.

No, ALF, we used to go there, Kate and I.

We used to go there every year to a tree farm.

We cut down our own tree.

ALF, that's the answer.

It's only an hour away.

I know the exact spot.

I can cut down a tree, surprise the family.

Yeah, and they've got snow!

Let's go!

What do you mean, "Let's?"

Hey, you're not gonna deny me the one chance

I'll ever have to see snow, are you?

Well, I-I-I guess, it's Christmas Eve.

There's no one on the road.

- Why not? - Great!

- I'll warm up the car. - I'll just leave a note.

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

You're-you're not warming up the car.

No, no!

Uh, you get the chains off, fill it with gas.

No problem.

What am I saying?

[instrumental "Twelve Days Of Christmas"]

This spot, uh, where you used to cut your tree..

...have you been there in person..

...or just in your mind?

We would have found the spot long ago..

...if I'd been holding the map.

This place is barely on the map.

I think we just passed the Donner party.

We'll find the spot. We'll find it soon.

It's been two hours.

By now the family will be worried sick about me.

- Well, do you wanna go home? - Yes.

I mean, I haven't even seen that snow you promised.

Just mud.

I never promised snow. You did.

Oh, yeah. You promised trees.

Alright. You win!

We'll turn around to the next road

we'll go home, I'll work on the plastic tree

until it's finished.

Great! We'll have Christmas in March.

Will you just tell me where the next road is, okay?

Fine.

Alright, there's, uh, there's a road coming up right now.

- Where? - Uh, up ahead.

- Where? - Uh, there it is now.

- Turn here. Quick! - Uh, you sure there's a road--

Yes, yes, right here. I'm sure. I'm positive!

- Alright! - Yeah.

No, wait.

Fine. Now, we're stuck.

If I'm not home before Santa gets there, I'll sue you.

[instrumental music]

Willie!

ALF!

Anybody?

- Where are they? - I don't know.

See. I told you this is how it's gonna look.

I'm sure dad isn't finished with it yet.

I wonder where they are.

Here we go.

Oh, they went to cut down a real tree.

Mom, they've been gone a long time.

They went to "McCarnal's Tree Farm."

You know, we used to cut our Christmas tree

down there every year.

First, we got lost there every year too.

¶ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ¶

¶ Fa la la la la ¶

¶ La la la la ¶¶

Knock, knock. Guess who?

(in unison) Mr. Ochmonek!

How is everybody?

Oh, well, actually, we're, uh.. We're-we're fine, Trevor.

Come on in.

- Thanks, Kate. - Oh.

Merry Christmas!

[kissing]

[chuckling] Merry Christmas, Trevor.

Gosh! I love this holiday.

Good will..

...visiting with the neighbors..

...sharing a little eggnog.

Sharing a little eggnog.

Would you like some eggnog, Mr. Ochmonek?

If it's not too much trouble.

- I'll get you some. - Heavy on the brandy.

[scoffs] I know.

Yeah.

Place looks great.

Oh, thank you.

Beautiful decorations.

Stockings hung by the chimney with care.

What the hell is this?

It's our Christmas tree.

I thought it was a coatrack.

No. Dad hasn't finished putting it together.

Aah! hmm.

Aah!

- So where is the old man? - He's in the woods.

You mean like a religious thing? A pilgrimage?

Well, uh, he brought home this artificial Christmas tree--

So you kicked him out.

No, uh, he went to cut down a real one.

In that case, I'll have another eggnog.

Hold the eggnog this time.

[chuckles] I know.

[chuckling]

[instrumental music]

Okay, I've put the board in the wheel and I'm gonna push.

So when I say now

you release the brake and press accelerator, okay?

Do what?

Release the brake and press the accelerator.

Okay.

[engine revving]

Turn it off, turn it off!

Well, thank you.

Now...we are completely stuck.

Alone till spring.

This is just terrible.

I'm stranded...on Christmas Eve.

Yeah, this would never happen to Sonny Crockett.

- What? - It wouldn't.

He has a car phone. He can call for help.

I'd love to do that, ALF.

I'd love to be Superman.

Then I could fly out of here.

Well, now you're being silly.

[exhales]

[clicks tongue]

A whisker for your thoughts.

[chuckles] What?

On Melmac, that's how you get someone to open up.

Oh, I was just thinking..

...about it's being Christmas..

...not having a tree.

It sounds like it's gonna be sentimental.

- No. - Mind if I turn on some music?

Yeah, go ahead.

I don't know, even when I was a kid

I think the most important thing was..

...that we had that tree. A real tree.

My dad used to bring it home on Christmas Eve

and we'd all decorate it, the whole family.

We'd all pitch in, me and my brother, my Uncle Dough.

Incidentally my condolences.

Oh, thanks.

You know, sometimes there wasn't enough money to buy presents.

But there always was that tree. A real tree.

We'd keep that tree up until..

...every last needle was gone.

I remember one 4th of July--

Mind if I switch on to the ball game?

You just.. You don't get it, do you?

Sure, I do.

I'm just trying to keep from crying.

Yeah, huh?

Then, let's just, uh, sit here..

...and be quiet, okay?

Okay.

Being quiet.

Waiting patiently.

Saying nothing.

How did your Uncle Dough die?

He was talking too much and somebody hit him.

Fine, back to quiet.

We'll just sit here and listen to the mud.

[instrumental music]

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, mother! Everything looks so beautiful.

Yeah, I can't wait for dad to get here with the tree

so we can decorate it together. Like we do every year.

Nothing is as much fun without him as it is with him.

[sighs] Oh, yes.

He is an excellent husband and father.

[Willie scatting]

That must be him now.

I'll get the door.

No, let me.

- Why don't we all go? - Fine.

[Willie scatting]

[sighs]

Merry Christmas, everyone.

[all gasping]

What a beautiful tree!

Oh, dad, it's even more beautiful than last year.

Oh, you really outdid yourself.

- Thank you. - Where ever did you get it?

Fahid gave it to me. Absolutely free.

He's such a nice man. Now, we can decorate it.

Isn't this great?

Two perfect kids, a beautiful wife.

A big tree! Could anyone want more?

I agree. It really is a wonderful life.

How could it not be?

I mean, it's not like we've got an alien

living with us or anything.

Oh, why, dad, why would you say a thing like that?

Oh, uh-huh. I don't know.

Brian, why don't you get the cranberries and popcorn?

I'll get the tinsel.

- Come on, Brian. - Don't forget the star.

[gasps] Oh, excuse me, dear

but doesn't the tree lean a little bit too much to the left?

Oh, I don't think so. It looks fine to me.

[scoffs] Well, it's not fine to me. Not fine at all.

I'd better call the tree repairman.

Operator, get me the tree repairman.

The tree repairman?

Oh, I don't think there's any such thing as a--

He's on his way.

[doorbell dings]

Maybe that's him now.

But...but we don't need any..

Tree repairman.

Oh, see you got a leaner there.

Oh, my God! It's him!

Kate, don't let him touch the tree.

Relax, pal, I'll only be a minute.

What are you doing here?

This is my dream. You can't be in this.

[scoffs] Oops! Here, hold this.

Get away from my tree!

Oh, here we go, lady!

I found the problem with your tree.

It's a fake!

You bought a fake tree?

Willie, you should be ashamed.

But, it's-it's not a fake.

I mean, it wasn't until he got here!

Look at our perfect Christmas. It's unravelling.

[scoffs] What's he whining about now?

He bought a fake tree.

That figures.

Why are you dressed like that?

My boyfriends are coming by to get me

so I don't have to help decorate this synthetic stump.

You're ruining my dream.

I can't fix this here.

I'm gonna have to take it into the shop.

Bye, mom, I'm leaving for some

unnamed Central American country.

Mm-hmm.

But, Brian, I thought we were gonna decorate the tree.

Later, dad, I'm off to stem the tide of communism.

[doorbell dings]

That'll be my lover.

You're ready to go, babe?

Don't wait up.

He he he.

This is your fault.

You tree should be ready around Easter.

But call first.

Here's your stuff.

You are not taking my tree.

I want my tree.

I want my tree.

- I want my tree. - 'Ah!'

I want my tree.

I want my tree. I want my tree.

Lighten up, Willie. You got it.

- Oh, wha-what's going on here? - Nothing.

I just loaded a tree into the car.

W-where did you get it?

Think, Willie, where do we get trees?

Do you mean you went out to the woods

to cut down this tree for me?

Isn't that what we came here for?

ALF! Oh, I don't-I don't know what to say?

Well, you better say it quick.

There's a forest ranger headed this way.

He must have heard the chainsaw.

Well, at least..

At least we're going to get help.

And we're going to get home.

And...we're going to get fined.

Willie! Willie, look!

- It's snow. - Snow!

I finally get to see snow.

(male #1 on loudspeaker) 'You in there, I wanna talk to you about that tree.'

Merry Christmas, ALF.

(ALF) 'Merry Christmas, Willie.'

Yes.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

This is great, Brian.

It's for giving eye exams, right?

No, you look into it and you push the button.

It's Sylvester and Tweety.

Hah! Die, cat, die!

- Yeah! - What a great Christmas!

Yeah, and we ended up with a really beautiful tree.

It should be.

It cost me $367, what, with the fine and the tolling.

A small price to pay for keeping a poor boy's dream alive.

Who are these presents for?

Oh, I almost forgot.

A few tokens from the old ALFer.

Oh, you got us presents? ALF, you can't shop.

This is America, Kate. Everybody can shop.

- I used a catalogue. - A catalogue? From where?

The Hardware Hamlet.

- My account? - Who else's?

Thanks, ALF. Look, a staple gun.

Neat! A leaf blower.

I hope that's the kind you like.

Goodness! Uh, a rotary sander for me.

Weather stripping.

My, my!

It is the thought that counts.

And the important thing is we're all together.

In the words of the immortal St. Frosty The Snowman

"God bless us all. Everyone."

[whirring]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

Merry Christmas!