Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Yo, Kate! Where do you keep your casserole dishes?

Why?

The cat won't fit in

the toaster.

Never mind. I'll make a peanut-butter sandwich.

Where's the blender?

Try it without the blender this time.

And don't get hair in the peanut-butter jar.

Rules, rules, rules.

Yes, that's the answer. San Diego.

Fine. What was the question?

Where should we go on our vacation?

I say we should go to San Diego.

Oh, San Diego sounds fine to me. But what about ALF?

We don't have to check with ALF. That's where we're going.

San Diego really does have something for everyone.

It's not just an empty slogan.

I mean, what are we going to do with ALF?

SeaWorld, Brian will love that.

They've got.. The new killer whales are in.

And look, look at those beaches. The..

Lynn'll have a great time!

[clears throat] What about ALF?

I'm sorry.

Did you say I should get hair

in the peanut butter

or I shouldn't?

Just toss it out.

The hair or the peanut butter?

- Both! - No problem!

Why don't I believe that?

Oh, my gosh!

They're having a Shakespeare Festival.

Willie, there is hair in our peanut butter.

"Love Boat's" Bernie Kopell is playing Hamlet.

I said, what are we gonna do about--

Grease fire! Grease fire!

- 'ALF!' - Oh, no! Oh, no!

(ALF) 'Never mind the curtains. Put me out!'

[theme music]

[inaudible]

[music continues]

Thank you for this food that you've set before us tonight.

And once again, thank you for sparing our kitchen.

Amen to that.

[bangs] Let's eat!

There's hair in this tuna fish.

I like it.

How come I didn't get any hair?

We ran out.

Which is exactly what I'm gonna do.

- May I please be excused? - No, no, stay, Lynn.

Uh that's the end of the hair talk.

I-I wanna talk about what we're gonna do on our vacation.

Why's that the end of the hair talk?

Because that's the end. That's why.

We've changed subjects.

We're talking about our vacation.

I thought we decided. San Diego.

It has something for everyone.

Well, your mother and I

I mean, Kate and I, have talked about this

and we've decided, uh

we should all stay right here.

At the table?

No, no, uh, but in house

or-or around the house.

Around the house?

Well, we can go out-outside.

Do we get to cross the street?

We just thought instead of going somewhere far away and different

it would be more fun to, to stay home

where-where things are, are not so different

and, uh, do pretty much the same things

we do every day.

I think you sold them, dear.

No sale here. I think it bites wind.

- 'ALF--' - What? That's not hair talk.

Uh, we-well, let's just get back to this vacation thing, alright?

Yeah, I think we should talk about it.

How come we're not going anywhere?

Did you lose all your money?

Been playing the ponies, haven't you?

If you wanna know the truth

you're the reason we're staying home.

- Moi? - Oui, monsieur.

- Porquoi? - Because you're an alien.

- We're dropping the French? - We're dropping it.

No problemo.

Why can't we take ALF to San Diego?

Because the minute we check into a hotel

somebody's gonna call the police.

Or "The National Enquirer."

And, obviously, we can't leave you home alone.

You proved that today.

I suppose that's a reference to this kitchen thing.

You did start that fire.

And then you watched TV

while Kate and I put it out.

I didn't think it was a three-man job.

The point is we're going to have to spend this vacation at home.

I-I feel terrible.

I ruined your stove, now I'm ruining your vacation.

I'm worthless. I'm garbage.

I'm canal water. I bite wind.

- ALF! - What?

ALF, you haven't ruined anything.

- Except our stove. - And our vacation.

Well, I can't live with that.

You people are going on vacation without me.

I don't see how we can.

Pen me in the yard

where I won't cause any damage.

Chain me to a tree. Put me in a kennel.

No, ALF! We're not going on vacation without you.

I agree. There's gotta be some place we can all go.

Before we gloss over this kennel business--

Kate!

Maybe if we went

deep into the woods

where nobody would see ALF.

Out of the mouths of babes.

We can rent a motorhome.

We could go to some secluded campground.

That's a great idea!

Let's give it a shot! It could be fun.

Singing songs around the campfire

eating pork and beans out of a tin can

being together 24 hours a day

learning to accept each other's

little idiosyncrasies.

So the kennel idea is dead?

- 'Mom!' - Kate!

Okay, fine, we'll go camping.

What do we need? Uh..

We need, um, pork and beans.

- Yeah. - Uh, wolf repellant..

¶ Two bottles of beer on the wall ¶

¶ Two bottles of beer ¶

¶ If one of those bottles should happen to fall ¶

¶ One bottle of beer on the wall ¶

¶ One bottle of beer on the wall one bottle of beer ¶

¶ If one of those bottles should happen to fall ¶

¶ No more bottles of beer on the wall ¶¶

One more time!

¶ A thousand bottles of beer on the wall ¶

¶ A thousand bottles of beer ¶¶

Come on, mom, sing with us.

I don't know the words.

Hey, Willie, keep your eyes open for a clean gas station.

I'm gonna need to make a pit stop.

- Again? - I can't help it.

It's all this singing about beer.

Hey, Lynn, you wanna spit out the window with me?

[chuckles] Maybe later.

- I'll spot you ten feet. - No thanks.

I'm gonna write a letter to my boyfriend.

How about you, Kate?

I don't know how to spit.

Come on, it's easy!

[expectorates]

No!

[gulps] Alright!

Don't get your shorts in a knot.

I guess I'll just moon some state troopers.

Make way here.

There'll be no mooning!

Boy, you call this a vacation?

Hey, chief, how about letting me take over the controls a while?

You don't know how to drive.

I drove through the cosmos, didn't I?

- You crashed into our garage. - You see any garages out there?

- No. No! No, no. - Come on!

- Somebody get ALF off me! - ALF, no, don't!

[clamoring]

[car honking]

[rain pattering]

[thunder rumbling]

[Lynn thinking] Dear Lash, day number two

and it's still raining.

I think we're in hell. Please rescue me.

Is it just me, or are the walls closing in?

You know, I really think the rain is gonna stop.

Yeah, it's bound to stop sometime.

You've been saying that since we docked.

Come on, let's just make the best of it.

Okay, how about a game of Chinese checkers?

I'm tired of Chinese checkers.

Yeah, we're tired of Chinese checkers.

How about Scrabble?

ALF ate all the vowels.

I was bored! When I'm bored, I eat vowels.

Well, there's always charades.

I don't like charades.

I always feel like everyone's watching me.

What does everyone wanna do?

That is your call. You're the one who dragged us here.

You guys really are a bunch of negative nellies.

Yeah, we're trying to make the best

of a less-than-perfect situation

and try to find something that we can all do together.

May I suggest San Diego?

(Willie) 'No, you may not.'

Now, look, I know

things haven't worked out exactly as planned

but when you have a lemon, you make lemonade.

What lemon? What are you talking about?

I'm just trying to tell you there's more than one way

to skin a cat.

You've been reading my recipe book.

Alright, let's do something.

Everybody in your coats and hats, we're going on a hike.

- Oh, boy! In the rain! - That sounds like fun!

That's the spirit! Let's go, huh?

Who cares if we get a little wet..

That's easy for you to say. You're not 98% hair.

Now, look here, uh, we can sit here and complain

or we can go out there and enjoy ourselves.

I'm gonna sit here and complain.

Fine, we'll see you later.

[thunder rumbling]

[sighs]

Welcome back.

Chutes and ladders anyone?

Well, I'm gonna set up the barbecue. Anybody hungry?

You're not going out there.

Oh, I'll cook under the awning.

You need some help bobbing for firewood?

One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.

Right, let the alien starve.

I think the alien could skip a meal.

It might be a new experience for him!

Uh, how would you like your hamburger?

Medium-rare. Hold the lightning!

Well, how would you like to be 50% hair?

You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.

I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.

How? By drowning us?

By trying to keep a positive attitude!

You might do that yourself

instead of complaining all the time!

Guys, please!

Well, not everyone enjoys

spending their vacation in a rainforest.

We're in this rainforest because of you!

- I vote we go home. - Uh, you're not voting on this.

Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!

You wanna go home? Go! No one's stopping him.

- Dad! - There's the door!

- Willie! - You want me to go, I'll go!

- Fine, go! - Fine, I'm going.

ALF, don't!

Sorry, Brian, I have my pride.

[thunder rumbling]

- ALF. - Come on, ALF.

You're not really going.

I'm out of here. I'm history!

I'm going to die.

[thunder rumbling]

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

Where could he be?

- Is that him? - No.

I think that's just a rotted tree stump.

[birds chirping]

One, two, three, four.

Oh, no! I slipped on the chute.

Well, I'll just have to start at the beginning.

Dad, how can you play at a time like this?

ALF is all alone out there.

He might get caught in a bear trap.

And it will be getting dark soon, Willie.

Maybe we better call the police.

No, to be a missing person, you'd have to be missing

for 24 hours..

...and be a person.

Shoot!

Another chute!

Well, it just isn't my day.

It's not ALF's day, either.

Yeah, we want ALF back.

Ju.. Don't try to make me feel guilty about--

- Sending him out to die? - Asking him to leave.

Anyone else would have done the same thing.

- Not me. - Not me.

Not me.

Alright, where's the wolf repellent?

Oh, honey!

Yay, dad!

Remember, dad, it doesn't work on bears.

Oh, thanks.

And, honey, I want you to be very careful out there, alright?

- Give me a kiss. - Yeah, okay.

- Alright. - Mwah. I love you, daddy.

Alright. So long, son.

[sighs]

[door shuts]

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

[door creaking]

Hello?

Anybody home?

I'm coming in!

I'm in!

I'm looking through your cabinets.

[sniffing]

Yikes!

Oh! Oreos.

My kind of people.

(male #1) 'Ah, it's your fault. Hey, look here.'

'You left the door open. You know, you really are an idiot.'

I mean, I had that rabbit right in my sights

and then you scare him away with that sound you were making.

It was a rabbit call.

Rabbits don't have a call.

How do they get each other's attention?

- Don't talk to me. - Rabbits have a call.

If you don't believe me, look it up.

[exhales sharply] Would you look at this?

I mean, you're always leavin' the cookies out.

- We're gonna get ants! - I didn't do that.

Well, who did?

Maybe some animal got in here or somethin'.

Right, some animal

who just happens to be partial to Oreos!

[ALF groans]

What was that?

I think we have a burglar.

[guns cocking]

A dead burglar.

Cover me.

It is an animal.

Well, it's an ugly little sucker!

I think it's a dog!

That's no dog!

Yeah, it's one of those expensive dogs.

I've seen pictures of 'em.

I think Cher has one.

Nah, that's one of those weird animals from Australia.

Oh, yeah, sure. Then how did it get here?

Don't you know anything?

The continents used to be connected.

That is the stupidest thing you ever said!

Well, look it up!

You know what that is? It's an anteater.

Are you sure?

Yeah, and it's against the law to shoot anteaters.

What are you talkin' about? You can shoot anteaters!

[spits]

I don't care what he is, I'm gonna take him out

and butcher him.

[gasps]

Why do you always get to do all the butchering?

Because you usually end up mutilating all the good meat!

[whimpering]

I'll get the chain saw

you make the salad.

That guy orders me around too much.

Uh, yeah, you're getting

the short end of the stick, alright.

I hear ya.

I do hear you.

You-you're talkin'!

A-a talkin' anteater!

Yeah, listen, uh, you should get even with that guy.

May I suggest a murder-suicide?

You're really talkin'!

Yeah, I'm talkin'. Let's get past that.

Why, I never ate anything that talked.

Well, my cousin's cockatoo.

[chainsaw sputtering]

ALF? ALF?

Hey-hey, Earth to yokel.

Focus in here, alright?

I'm, uh, I'm not an anteater.

I'm a magical creature of the forest.

If you release me, I'll grant you three wishes.

Oh, wait a second, you're not a magical creature.

You're just an ordinary talking anteater.

Well, look it up.

Hey, Artie!

- This anteater talks. - What?

Yeah, but don't listen to a word he says, he's tricky.

I think he's from the city.

We've got to get you a woman.

[knocking on door]

Who could that be?

Maybe it's a talking rabbit.

Hello. I-I'm sorry to bother you.

But have you seen a-anything unusual in the area?

I know that's a very general question

but if you've seen what I'm referring to

I'm sure you'll know what I mean.

And if you haven't, well

there'll be no point in taking up your time

with a long explanation.

Who is this?

Some guy with a run-on sentence.

[ALF whining]

ALF! Oh, ALF!

Oh, ALF, thank goodness!

Oh, we were so worried.

Look, I'm sorry about what happened.

Are-are you okay? Did you get lost?

[clears throat]

Oh, obviously, I don't expect him to answer.

I do.

Well, thank you, thank you for finding our..

...anteater.

Come on, ALF. Come on.

Come on, boy, we got to go.

Now wait just a minute.

How do we know he's yours?

Look at the way he's hugging my leg.

So what? I had a dog who did that to everybody.

I don't know what kind of proof you want

but ALF belongs to me.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

That's right, he's half ours.

Look, ALF is coming with me.

And that's that.

Did I mention the generous $50 reward there is

for finding ALF?

Oh, 50 each?

Uh, no-no, 25 apiece.

- Oh, well, I was gonna say-- - Shut up!

That's 50 apiece!

Uh, $100 is ridiculous!

[chainsaw sputtering]

Ridiculous of me to say no!

Alright. Nice doing business with you.

My pleasure. Come on.

I'm telling you, that thing can talk!

Can't believe those guys can talk.

What was that?

I said I was gonna take him for a walk.

Come, come, come. Come on, ALF.

[door shuts]

I'll hold your 25.

Oh, thanks.

[sighs] ALF..

ALF, I think we'd make better time

if you let go of my leg.

Just a little longer.

I've been through a traumatic experience.

Did I tell you how much I appreciate you saving my life?

Yes, you did, ALF.

Did I also tell you that I think

you're a credit to the human race?

Over and over.

Did I tell you I think you got us lost?

- We're not lost. - Yeah.

I think we've been walking in circles.

That's because you've been holding on to my leg.

Well, anyway, we're lost.

We're not lost. We're going the right way.

No, I'm pretty sure we should be going that way.

No, that is the way back to the camper.

No, that's the way back to the camper.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.

Alright, well, let's compromise.

Let's go that way.

No! No, no! That's where those guys live.

You got it! I'm gonna return you, get my $100 back.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

That is the way back to the camper.

- Whatever you say. - All aboard!

[instrumental music]

Here's more rain, Lucky.

Rain again.

- Rain from another angle. - I took that one.

Hang on, Lucky, we're just getting to the good part.

ALF, we've seen these dozens of times.

Yeah, we have.

But I haven't shown them to the Luck-meister.

[meows]

Here I am after Willie rescued me

from what I'd like to call

The Cabin That Dripped Blood.

Here I am, kissing the floor of the motorhome.

(ALF) 'Here I am, kissing Willie.'

'Let me tell ya, I got more response'

from kissing the floor! Hah! Hah!

Oh, yeah, only kidding, my man!

You saved my life. Stand up and take a bow.

Come on. Oh, he's modest. I love that. Alright.

Here I am, lighting the barbeque.

Here's the motorhome going up in flames.

Here we are, coming home by bus.

That's me in the duffel bag.

Here I am being chained to a tree

before the family took off for San Diego!

Hey, no hard feelings.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[laughing]

[instrumental music]