All language subtitles for ALF.S01E11.On.the.Road.Again.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-DAWN_track3_[eng]

[instrumental music]

Yo, Kate! Where do you keep
your casserole dishes?

Why?

The cat won't fit in

the toaster.

Never mind. I'll make
a peanut-butter sandwich.

Where's the blender?

Try it without the blender
this time.

And don't get hair
in the peanut-butter jar.

Rules, rules, rules.

Yes, that's the answer.
San Diego.

Fine. What was the question?

Where should we go
on our vacation?

I say we should go to San Diego.

Oh, San Diego sounds fine to me.
But what about ALF?

We don't have to check with ALF.
That's where we're going.

San Diego really does have
something for everyone.

It's not just an empty slogan.

I mean, what are we
going to do with ALF?

SeaWorld, Brian will love that.

They've got..
The new killer whales are in.

And look,
look at those beaches. The..

Lynn'll have a great time!

[clears throat]
What about ALF?

I'm sorry.

Did you say I should get hair

in the peanut butter

or I shouldn't?

Just toss it out.

The hair or the peanut butter?

- Both!
- No problem!

Why don't I believe that?

Oh, my gosh!

They're having
a Shakespeare Festival.

Willie, there is hair
in our peanut butter.

"Love Boat's" Bernie Kopell
is playing Hamlet.

I said,
what are we gonna do about--

Grease fire! Grease fire!

- 'ALF!'
- Oh, no! Oh, no!

(ALF)
'Never mind the curtains.
Put me out!'

[theme music]

[inaudible]

[music continues]

Thank you for this food that
you've set before us tonight.

And once again, thank you
for sparing our kitchen.

Amen to that.

[bangs]
Let's eat!

There's hair in this tuna fish.

I like it.

How come I didn't get any hair?

We ran out.

Which is exactly
what I'm gonna do.

- May I please be excused?
- No, no, stay, Lynn.

Uh that's the end
of the hair talk.

I-I wanna talk about what
we're gonna do on our vacation.

Why's that the end
of the hair talk?

Because that's the end.
That's why.

We've changed subjects.

We're talking about
our vacation.

I thought we decided.
San Diego.

It has something for everyone.

Well, your mother and I

I mean, Kate and I,
have talked about this

and we've decided, uh

we should all stay right here.

At the table?

No, no, uh, but in house

or-or around the house.

Around the house?

Well, we can go out-outside.

Do we get to cross the street?

We just thought instead of going
somewhere far away and different

it would be more fun
to, to stay home

where-where things
are, are not so different

and, uh, do pretty much
the same things

we do every day.

I think you sold them, dear.

No sale here.
I think it bites wind.

- 'ALF--'
- What? That's not hair talk.

Uh, we-well, let's just get back
to this vacation thing, alright?

Yeah, I think
we should talk about it.

How come
we're not going anywhere?

Did you lose all your money?

Been playing the ponies,
haven't you?

If you wanna know the truth

you're the reason
we're staying home.

- Moi?
- Oui, monsieur.

- Porquoi?
- Because you're an alien.

- We're dropping the French?
- We're dropping it.

No problemo.

Why can't we take ALF
to San Diego?

Because the minute
we check into a hotel

somebody's gonna call
the police.

Or "The National Enquirer."

And, obviously,
we can't leave you home alone.

You proved that today.

I suppose that's a reference
to this kitchen thing.

You did start that fire.

And then you watched TV

while Kate and I put it out.

I didn't think
it was a three-man job.

The point is we're going to have
to spend this vacation at home.

I-I feel terrible.

I ruined your stove,
now I'm ruining your vacation.

I'm worthless. I'm garbage.

I'm canal water. I bite wind.

- ALF!
- What?

ALF,
you haven't ruined anything.

- Except our stove.
- And our vacation.

Well, I can't live with that.

You people are going on vacation
without me.

I don't see how we can.

Pen me in the yard

where I won't cause any damage.

Chain me to a tree.
Put me in a kennel.

No, ALF! We're not going
on vacation without you.

I agree. There's gotta be
some place we can all go.

Before we gloss over
this kennel business--

Kate!

Maybe if we went

deep into the woods

where nobody would see ALF.

Out of the mouths of babes.

We can rent a motorhome.

We could go
to some secluded campground.

That's a great idea!

Let's give it a shot!
It could be fun.

Singing songs
around the campfire

eating pork and beans
out of a tin can

being together 24 hours a day

learning to accept each other's

little idiosyncrasies.

So the kennel idea is dead?

- 'Mom!'
- Kate!

Okay, fine, we'll go camping.

What do we need? Uh..

We need, um, pork and beans.

- Yeah.
- Uh, wolf repellant..

¶ Two bottles of beer
on the wall ¶

¶ Two bottles of beer ¶

¶ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ¶

¶ One bottle of beer
on the wall ¶

¶ One bottle of beer on
the wall one bottle of beer ¶

¶ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ¶

¶ No more bottles of beer
on the wall ¶¶

One more time!

¶ A thousand bottles of beer
on the wall ¶

¶ A thousand bottles of beer ¶¶

Come on, mom, sing with us.

I don't know the words.

Hey, Willie, keep your eyes open
for a clean gas station.

I'm gonna need to make
a pit stop.

- Again?
- I can't help it.

It's all this
singing about beer.

Hey, Lynn, you wanna spit out
the window with me?

[chuckles]
Maybe later.

- I'll spot you ten feet.
- No thanks.

I'm gonna write a letter
to my boyfriend.

How about you, Kate?

I don't know how to spit.

Come on, it's easy!

[expectorates]

No!

[gulps]
Alright!

Don't get your shorts in a knot.

I guess I'll just moon
some state troopers.

Make way here.

There'll be no mooning!

Boy, you call this a vacation?

Hey, chief, how about letting me
take over the controls a while?

You don't know how to drive.

I drove through the cosmos,
didn't I?

- You crashed into our garage.
- You see any garages out there?

- No. No! No, no.
- Come on!

- Somebody get ALF off me!
- ALF, no, don't!

[clamoring]

[car honking]

[rain pattering]

[thunder rumbling]

[Lynn thinking]
Dear Lash, day number two

and it's still raining.

I think we're in hell.
Please rescue me.

Is it just me,
or are the walls closing in?

You know, I really think
the rain is gonna stop.

Yeah,
it's bound to stop sometime.

You've been saying that
since we docked.

Come on, let's just
make the best of it.

Okay, how about a game
of Chinese checkers?

I'm tired of Chinese checkers.

Yeah, we're tired
of Chinese checkers.

How about Scrabble?

ALF ate all the vowels.

I was bored!
When I'm bored, I eat vowels.

Well, there's always charades.

I don't like charades.

I always feel like
everyone's watching me.

What does everyone wanna do?

That is your call. You're
the one who dragged us here.

You guys really are
a bunch of negative nellies.

Yeah, we're trying to make
the best

of a less-than-perfect situation

and try to find something
that we can all do together.

May I suggest San Diego?

(Willie)
'No, you may not.'

Now, look, I know

things haven't worked out
exactly as planned

but when you have a lemon,
you make lemonade.

What lemon?
What are you talking about?

I'm just trying to tell you
there's more than one way

to skin a cat.

You've been reading
my recipe book.

Alright, let's do something.

Everybody in your coats
and hats, we're going on a hike.

- Oh, boy! In the rain!
- That sounds like fun!

That's the spirit!
Let's go, huh?

Who cares
if we get a little wet..

That's easy for you to say.
You're not 98% hair.

Now, look here, uh,
we can sit here and complain

or we can go out there
and enjoy ourselves.

I'm gonna sit here and complain.

Fine, we'll see you later.

[thunder rumbling]

[sighs]

Welcome back.

Chutes and ladders anyone?

Well, I'm gonna set up
the barbecue. Anybody hungry?

You're not going out there.

Oh, I'll cook under the awning.

You need some help
bobbing for firewood?

One more word out of you,
and you're not eating with us.

Right, let the alien starve.

I think
the alien could skip a meal.

It might be
a new experience for him!

Uh, how would you like
your hamburger?

Medium-rare. Hold the lightning!

Well, how would you like
to be 50% hair?

You know, you're a different
person when you're on vacation.

I'm just trying
to make this vacation fun.

How? By drowning us?

By trying to keep
a positive attitude!

You might do that yourself

instead of complaining
all the time!

Guys, please!

Well, not everyone enjoys

spending their vacation
in a rainforest.

We're in this rainforest
because of you!

- I vote we go home.
- Uh, you're not voting on this.

Call the newspapers!
Democracy is dead!

You wanna go home? Go!
No one's stopping him.

- Dad!
- There's the door!

- Willie!
- You want me to go, I'll go!

- Fine, go!
- Fine, I'm going.

ALF, don't!

Sorry, Brian, I have my pride.

[thunder rumbling]

- ALF.
- Come on, ALF.

You're not really going.

I'm out of here. I'm history!

I'm going to die.

[thunder rumbling]

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

Where could he be?

- Is that him?
- No.

I think that's just
a rotted tree stump.

[birds chirping]

One, two, three, four.

Oh, no! I slipped on the chute.

Well, I'll just have to start
at the beginning.

Dad, how can you play
at a time like this?

ALF is all alone out there.

He might get caught
in a bear trap.

And it will be
getting dark soon, Willie.

Maybe we better call the police.

No, to be a missing person,
you'd have to be missing

for 24 hours..

...and be a person.

Shoot!

Another chute!

Well, it just isn't my day.

It's not ALF's day, either.

Yeah, we want ALF back.

Ju.. Don't try to make me
feel guilty about--

- Sending him out to die?
- Asking him to leave.

Anyone else would have done
the same thing.

- Not me.
- Not me.

Not me.

Alright,
where's the wolf repellent?

Oh, honey!

Yay, dad!

Remember, dad,
it doesn't work on bears.

Oh, thanks.

And, honey, I want you to be
very careful out there, alright?

- Give me a kiss.
- Yeah, okay.

- Alright.
- Mwah. I love you, daddy.

Alright. So long, son.

[sighs]

[door shuts]

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

[door creaking]

Hello?

Anybody home?

I'm coming in!

I'm in!

I'm looking through
your cabinets.

[sniffing]

Yikes!

Oh! Oreos.

My kind of people.

(male #1)
'Ah, it's your fault.
Hey, look here.'

'You left the door open. You
know, you really are an idiot.'

I mean, I had that rabbit
right in my sights

and then you scare him away
with that sound you were making.

It was a rabbit call.

Rabbits don't have a call.

How do they get
each other's attention?

- Don't talk to me.
- Rabbits have a call.

If you don't believe me,
look it up.

[exhales sharply]
Would you look at this?

I mean, you're always
leavin' the cookies out.

- We're gonna get ants!
- I didn't do that.

Well, who did?

Maybe some animal
got in here or somethin'.

Right, some animal

who just happens to be
partial to Oreos!

[ALF groans]

What was that?

I think we have a burglar.

[guns cocking]

A dead burglar.

Cover me.

It is an animal.

Well,
it's an ugly little sucker!

I think it's a dog!

That's no dog!

Yeah, it's one of those
expensive dogs.

I've seen pictures of 'em.

I think Cher has one.

Nah, that's one of those
weird animals from Australia.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Then how did it get here?

Don't you know anything?

The continents
used to be connected.

That is the stupidest thing
you ever said!

Well, look it up!

You know what that is?
It's an anteater.

Are you sure?

Yeah, and it's against the law
to shoot anteaters.

What are you talkin' about?
You can shoot anteaters!

[spits]

I don't care what he is,
I'm gonna take him out

and butcher him.

[gasps]

Why do you always get to do
all the butchering?

Because you usually end up
mutilating all the good meat!

[whimpering]

I'll get the chain saw

you make the salad.

That guy orders me around
too much.

Uh, yeah, you're getting

the short end of the stick,
alright.

I hear ya.

I do hear you.

You-you're talkin'!

A-a talkin' anteater!

Yeah, listen, uh, you should
get even with that guy.

May I suggest a murder-suicide?

You're really talkin'!

Yeah, I'm talkin'.
Let's get past that.

Why, I never ate anything
that talked.

Well, my cousin's cockatoo.

[chainsaw sputtering]

ALF? ALF?

Hey-hey, Earth to yokel.

Focus in here, alright?

I'm, uh, I'm not an anteater.

I'm a magical creature
of the forest.

If you release me,
I'll grant you three wishes.

Oh, wait a second,
you're not a magical creature.

You're just
an ordinary talking anteater.

Well, look it up.

Hey, Artie!

- This anteater talks.
- What?

Yeah, but don't listen to a word
he says, he's tricky.

I think he's from the city.

We've got to get you a woman.

[knocking on door]

Who could that be?

Maybe it's a talking rabbit.

Hello. I-I'm sorry
to bother you.

But have you seen
a-anything unusual in the area?

I know
that's a very general question

but if you've seen
what I'm referring to

I'm sure you'll know
what I mean.

And if you haven't, well

there'll be no point
in taking up your time

with a long explanation.

Who is this?

Some guy with a run-on sentence.

[ALF whining]

ALF! Oh, ALF!

Oh, ALF, thank goodness!

Oh, we were so worried.

Look, I'm sorry
about what happened.

Are-are you okay?
Did you get lost?

[clears throat]

Oh, obviously,
I don't expect him to answer.

I do.

Well, thank you,
thank you for finding our..

...anteater.

Come on, ALF. Come on.

Come on, boy, we got to go.

Now wait just a minute.

How do we know he's yours?

Look at the way
he's hugging my leg.

So what? I had a dog
who did that to everybody.

I don't know
what kind of proof you want

but ALF belongs to me.

Possession
is nine-tenths of the law.

That's right, he's half ours.

Look, ALF is coming with me.

And that's that.

Did I mention
the generous $50 reward there is

for finding ALF?

Oh, 50 each?

Uh, no-no, 25 apiece.

- Oh, well, I was gonna say--
- Shut up!

That's 50 apiece!

Uh, $100 is ridiculous!

[chainsaw sputtering]

Ridiculous of me to say no!

Alright.
Nice doing business with you.

My pleasure. Come on.

I'm telling you,
that thing can talk!

Can't believe
those guys can talk.

What was that?

I said I was gonna
take him for a walk.

Come, come, come. Come on, ALF.

[door shuts]

I'll hold your 25.

Oh, thanks.

[sighs]
ALF..

ALF, I think
we'd make better time

if you let go of my leg.

Just a little longer.

I've been through
a traumatic experience.

Did I tell you how much
I appreciate you saving my life?

Yes, you did, ALF.

Did I also tell you that I think

you're a credit
to the human race?

Over and over.

Did I tell you
I think you got us lost?

- We're not lost.
- Yeah.

I think
we've been walking in circles.

That's because you've been
holding on to my leg.

Well, anyway, we're lost.

We're not lost.
We're going the right way.

No, I'm pretty sure
we should be going that way.

No, that is the way
back to the camper.

No, that's the way
back to the camper.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

Alright, well, let's compromise.

Let's go that way.

No! No, no!
That's where those guys live.

You got it! I'm gonna
return you, get my $100 back.

You know what?
You're absolutely right.

That is the way
back to the camper.

- Whatever you say.
- All aboard!

[instrumental music]

Here's more rain, Lucky.

Rain again.

- Rain from another angle.
- I took that one.

Hang on, Lucky, we're just
getting to the good part.

ALF, we've seen these
dozens of times.

Yeah, we have.

But I haven't shown them
to the Luck-meister.

[meows]

Here I am
after Willie rescued me

from what I'd like to call

The Cabin That Dripped Blood.

Here I am, kissing the floor
of the motorhome.

(ALF)
'Here I am, kissing Willie.'

'Let me tell ya,
I got more response'

from kissing the floor!
Hah! Hah!

Oh, yeah, only kidding, my man!

You saved my life.
Stand up and take a bow.

Come on. Oh, he's modest.
I love that. Alright.

Here I am,
lighting the barbeque.

Here's the motorhome
going up in flames.

Here we are, coming home by bus.

That's me in the duffel bag.

Here I am
being chained to a tree

before the family took off
for San Diego!

Hey, no hard feelings.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[laughing]

[instrumental music]