Original subtitles

What can I tell you, Cathy? My parents aren't home yet.

Oh, don't worry. I'm going to get the car.

They already said I could use it.

No, I promise we won't miss the concert.

Bye.

- If we miss that concert.. - Unbelievable.

I know they're an hour late.

No, I'm talkin' about Wall Street weekend review.

This guy is sitting there with a straight face

talkin' about gold like it's valuable or something.

But gold is valuable.

- And so is time. - You're kidding.

You may not believe this but on Melmac gold is worthless.

On Melmac the most valuable thing is foam.

- Foam? - Yeah.

My Granduncle Shumway once said

"I'm heading out west, there's foam in them thar hills."

Well, foam is almost worthless here.

- What about gravel? - Gravel's cheap too.

Ah..

- Wax? - Yup.

Boy.

ALF, I got some more lint for you to save.

Dump it.

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Cathy, I told you I'd call you

the minute they got home.

Fine, if it'll make you feel better

go stand by the curb. Bye!

Hey, even silver has value.

That's them. See you later, ALF.

Oh, no. It's a tow truck.

- I didn't order any toes. - The car broke down again.

So what's the connection to toes?

Mom and dad what happened to the car?

- The engine. - And the differential.

And the brakes.

Hey, ALF, you better go in the kitchen.

The tow truck driver is coming in.

He's helping us bring in the groceries.

Then who's bringing in the toes?

Just go.

Well, there go my concert plans.

I-I'm sorry, Lynn. We're as upset about this as you are.

It just seems like my friends are always drivin' me some place

and then when it's my turn to drive something always happens.

I'd like to be more sympathetic

but ice cream is melting on my shoe.

I'm sorry. I'll call Cathy and cancel.

Sorry about my tow truck breakin' down.

What do you suppose the odds were on that one?

Ah, you can just set those down anywhere.

Ah, that's okay, I'll carry them right into the kitchen.

Uh, no, uh...we'd like to unload our own groceries

it's kind of a family thing.

I know what you mean, we're the same way.

Well, how, how much do I owe you then, Bert?

Well, uh, the tow is 49

but, uh, then I owe you 63.50 for the new battery.

Of course, your wife sat on my glasses.

So, uh, let's see, uh..

...carry the four..

- Call it 50 bucks. - But who owes who?

That's a good one. Cash will be fine.

Here you go.

You know, I hate takin' this money from you.

You folks are gonna have to shell out plenty

to get that car fixed.

How much do you think it'll be?

Well, you're lookin' at couple of grand to repair the engine

and another douche for the differential

plus your tires are shot. That's, that's gonna run you

uh...carry the four..

I think we get the picture.

Yeah, and also you may wanna consider

a new set of brake pads.

We should've never towed you with the emergency on.

- My mistake. - You're too kind.

I'm sorry, I got a grease spot on the carpet.

Oh, no, no, no. I-I-I I'm sure that this will take care of it.

- I-it I-I-I.. It's my fault. - Don't worry about it.

Thanks, thanks again. See you, Bert.

You can come out now, ALF.

Well, I've canceled my concert plans.

But before I go into my room and listen to The Pretenders on tape

instead of seeing them in person, I would just like to say

that I wish we had a second car. Have a nice evening.

Why don't you buy her one, Willie?

- What? - A car.

Spring for it.

We can't afford to spring for a car.

Now is the time.

Four point eight financing on every Chevy in stock.

On approval of credit, of course.

I believe our credit was used up

in the repair to the roof of our garage.

Which had been damaged I believe by an errant spaceship.

Thanks for not naming names.

Willie, what if we kicked in a little money to add

to what Lynn has saved and let her buy a used car.

Well, I don't know, we, we..

We'd have to talk about it, that's all.

You've ice cream on your shoes.

- Who has my Pretenders tape? - Oh, it's in my Walkman.

I use it to do my aerobics.

Lynn, how much money do you have in your savings account?

About $150.

What if we kicked in 150 with that?

- What kinda car would that buy? - A stolen one.

You guys would go in halves with me on a car?

We could do that.

As-as long we were sure that it would

amount enough to buy a safe one.

Well, I-I can, I can get a part time job to earn more.

There's an opening in Mr. Jim's Chicken and Oysters.

We had a Mr. Jim's on Melmac.

But instead of chicken and oysters, it was dogs and--

- Don't say it, ALF, don't. - Why?

It's not the same Mr. Jim.

The one I knew is in prison.

He got caught substituting hamburger for collie.

- He said it. - Said what?

Well, so, so what do you think, dad?

I think that's one of the most repugnant things I can imagine.

No, no. I mean, can I get a job?

Honey, do you think that you can handle a job and go to school?

I mean, you're not exactly getting straight A's.

All the more reason to start a carrier.

Nobody asked you.

Well, if I had to wait for an invitation, I'd never speak.

I'll put away the groceries.

How many more questions are there in this stupid test?

Five more on chicken and three more on oysters.

Oh, and there's a two part essay on citizenship.

I'm so tired.

Is it really worth all this trouble

just to get a jalopy to drive around in?

Yes, ALF. I want a car more than anythin'.

Well, then you better get crackin' here

if you wanna be wearin' Mr. Jim's

feather and shell insignia.

- Alright. - Alright.

- What's the next question? - Question 126.

"While preparing the clock and shark combo

"the chicken should be, A, breaded?

"B, baked?

C, washed?"

I'll go with...C. Washed.

Eh-h-h! Wrong.

The answer is A, breaded.

You're not supposed to wash 'em?

According to Mr. Jim, chickens wash themselves.

Don't wash chickens. Don't wash chickens.

- Okay. - Alright.

Question 127.

"An oyster should be thrown out when A, it turns brown

B, it turns black, C, it turns over."

That's right. Take your time.

Think before you answer.

Lynn, Lynn.

Yo, Lynn.

I'm gonna guess brown.

Lynn, I thought you might have--

Ssshh! She's asleep.

Oh, the poor thing.

You're killing her, Kate.

She can't work and go to school at the same time.

You are robbing her of her youth

just because you won't spring for a car.

[sniffing]

Is that cocoa?

I can't believe you're saying that to me.

Why not? It smells like cocoa.

Alright, it's cocoa. Let's get back to this car thing.

Now we made a deal with Lynn.

We'll contribute half, she's to earn the other half.

But it is cocoa?

Yes, it is.

I knew it.

Do you want the cocoa, ALF?

- Are there marshmallows in it? - No.

- Pass. - Fine.

But some hot coffee would be nice.

I guess she didn't hear me.

Here you are, sir. The pelican gullet platter.

Chicken on the half shell for the lady.

And oyster dog and a Mr. Jim's game card for you.

What do I do?

You scratch off three oysters and win a pack of cigarettes.

Ah, which is the chicken and which is the oyster, Lynn?

- This tastes like fish. - Then that's the chicken.

You did everything right, Lynn. It looks fine.

You served it beautifully.

I just don't think I'm really all that hungry right now.

You don't have to be nice, dad.

That was the worst thing I ever ate.

I just serve it, buster.

We're supposed to say that.

- I'm gonna go change. - I won, I won.

- Menthol lights. - I'll take that.

You know, Willie, Lynn hasn't said anything to me

but she's been so good about this whole thing.

Maybe we should let her buy a car now

and she could pay us back little by little.

Gosh, Kate, I thought we decided.

I think it's important that she sees this thing through.

Umm, something smells good.

- You can have mine. - Later.

- Where is Lynn? - Um, she's changing. Why?

You'll find out in a minute.

- Lynn! - 'Yeah.'

Got somethin' for ya. Meet me in the garage.

Bye.

What has he done?

Maybe nothing.

Maybe.

What's going on? ALF?

(ALF) 'Out here. I've got a surprise for ya.'

- What is it? - 'I'll give you a hint.'

[car honking]

- It's a car! - Hmm, you didn't need a hint.

- ALF stole a car. - I didn't steal it.

I bought it...for Lynn.

I don't believe it.

It would've been here last week. But I held out for red.

I don't believe it.

It's true, everybody wants red.

ALF, how did you buy this car?

I got it through my broker.

Broker? What broker?

The one I hired to sell the gold from my spaceship.

Wait, wait, wait. Let's just take this one step at a time.

You bought a car?

Yes. The papers are in that envelope.

You have gold?

Had gold.

All the plumbing on my ship was gold.

Except for the bidet.

That was platinum.

Uh-huh.

ALF, this is the most wonderful present

anyone has ever given me.

Aww, you're just saying that.

No!

No, I mean it. It's incredible.

Shektor, Kosay, and Klein, investment brokers

"Dear, ALF. Congratulations

"or should I say congratulazzione.

"I've sold the balance of your gold and will invest

"the proceeds in that mango farm in Oxnard.

All the best. Joel."

Look at this interior?

The dashboard is burled mahogany.

Grown in the Ferrari family's private arboretum.

And check out these wheels.

Chrome...from Rome.

Ohh, feel this leather.

Virgin ox. Albino virgin.

Oh, my gosh, Willie, look, a cellular phone.

Programmed for speed dialing.

Come on, Willie. Park your carcass on that virgin ox.

- Yeah, come on, dad. - Come on, hon.

- Eh.. - Yeah, dad, park it.

Yeah.

Uh, no, no. I'm not..

I'm not getting in that car.

I can't. ALF.

We're not keeping the car.

What?

Why not, dad?

Yeah, Willie, how come?

- Because it's wrong. - "Because it's wrong."

Why don't we just needlepoint that into a sampler?

Look, we're not keeping a car that costs 60 thousand--

- Ninety. - Ninety thousand.

[mumbling] Ninety thousand dollars.

What's bugging you, Willie?

Is it that your daughter drives a better car than you do?

That has nothing to do with it.

We are returning this car. Call Joel.

I can't. He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.

Dad, please. I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.

You wanna see how the Gucci airbag works?

It's obvious, you cannot have a rational conversation

in the presence of a Ferrari.

Alright. We'll go into the kitchen.

No, we'll go into the kitchen. You stay here.

Come on, Lynn. Don't touch that airbag.

Fine. I'll just preset the radio.

[chuckling] Joel.

I know what you're thinking, I'm the ogre, I'm the wet blanket.

Willie, no one is thinking that.

- I am. - Me too.

I see.

Dad, you're not being fair, the car was a gift.

No, no, no. No. A gift is a tie tack.

A...pen and pencil set, maybe a bowl.

We have all of those. We need a car.

Look, I think we're losing sight of what we agreed on here.

That things are appreciated more when they're earned.

Not when they're just handed to us.

There's no way I could appreciate this more.

I'm sorry, Lynn. I'm sorry.

I just don't think that a 16-year-old girl should have

a $90,000 Ferrari.

Unless she's a... professional tennis player.

I'm not above taking tennis lessons.

I don't think that's what your father meant.

I'm afraid the car is going back.

This is insane. We're actually gonna give back a free Ferrari.

Yes we are, first thing tomorrow.

But Joel's in Palm Springs.

I'll talk to Shektor. I'll talk to Klein.

It doesn't matter. Lynn, I'm sorry.

Uh, I'm sorry about this. But this is the way I feel.

And I think in time..

...you'll come to respect my decision.

It-it may not be today..

Obviously, it won't be today.

It won't be tomorrow either.

[engine revving]

- Willie? - No, no, no.

This is not happening.

[tires screeching]

Oh, my God.

ALF laid rubber.

He's gone.

There's an alien out there on the road somewhere

in a red Ferrari.

Maybe no one will notice.

What do we, dad? We can't call the police.

We can't call the auto club.

We-we can't even call Joel.

Well, he wouldn't have gotten very far.

Kate, that car goes a 180 miles an hour.

He could be in Mexico by now. We've got no choice.

We've got to call the police.

[telephone ringing]

- Hello? - Alright, alright.

I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna go next door

I'm gonna try to borrow Trevor's car..

- Dad, it's for you. - Not now, not no..

Just tell whoever it is I'll-I'll call 'em back later.

He's gonna have to call you back later, ALF.

ALF! ALF.

Willie, my man.

I gotta tell you this thing flies like the wind.

Where are you, where, what happened?

I don't know, all I did was turn the engine on

before I knew it, I was on the freeway.

What freeway?

The one headed for Oxnard.

Hey, while I'm there, I think I'll check out that mango farm.

Forget the mango farm.

That's easy for you to say.

You're not a limited partner.

Nice move, buddy.

Yeah, you're another one.

Willie, where is he?

He's on his way to Oxnard.

Oxnard..

ALF, ALF, pull off the road.

Pull the car off the road.

I can't, I'm in the fast lane.

Although, you'd never know it by the way

these clowns are driving.

[car horn honking] Come on, lady!

This ain't a parade.

ALF, don't yell at the other drivers, they'll see you.

No way, I'm driving too fast.

Hey! Ever hear of a turn signal?

Just look, ALF. Listen to me.

Look at the road signs, try to find out.

Locate exactly where you are.

Well, uh, I just passed The Motel 6.

Hey, they're having a beekeeper's convention.

Ouch! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh, gotta go.

Tell me! Tell me where you are!

(ALF) 'Okay, okay, I'm right near the..'

ALF! ALF..

Got disconnected.

Oh, no!

Look, I can't give you any more information.

I just need to know which one of your motels is having

a beekeeper's convention?

They all are?

Thank you very much.

- Well? - Nothing.

We even went to the police to see if there'd been a report

but, you know, aside from a pig falling off of a U-Haul trailer

and an inordinate number of bee stings

it-it's really, it's been quite a quiet night.

[tires screeching]

ALF!

[crashing]

[groaning]

ALF! ALF, are you okay?

Don't worry, I'm fine.

But this phone is a piece of junk.

I'm gonna call Joel just as soon as

he gets back from the Springs.

Forget the phone. Forget Joel.

You've just crashed into our garage..

...for the second time, I might point out.

I'm sorry, Willie. I really am.

I think I might need glasses.

Glasses?

I think you might need a lawyer!

Now, Willie, calm down.

May I just say to you

I think it's very irresponsible of you to take

the car out on the road like this

to endanger your life and the lives of others

and to make us worry.

And this sort of thing seems to be repeating itself

over and over again.

There have been some fun times.

Tell him, Kate.

There have been some fun times, ALF.

A lot of fun times, but this isn't one of 'em.

Look at what you've done!

Alright, alright, calm down.

Don't worry about it, Willie. I'll pay for it.

And how do you propose to do that?

Well, I'll call Joel tomorrow, I'll sell the car.

And we'll use the money to fix the garage.

You'll do that? You'll call Joel?

Well, actually, it'll be Joel's assistant.

Because, as I have mentioned, Joel is in the Springs.

That sounds fair, doesn't it, Willie?

I suppose so.

I-I suppose it does, ALF.

- I'm glad you weren't hurt. - Thanks.

'Course, I'll want a complete physical before I sign anything.

Just kidding, just kidding.

[telephone ringing]

Oh, that'll be Mrs. Ochmonek about the hedge.

The hedge?

I'll get it.

(male #1) 'Mr. Tanner?'

Uh, that'll be the people across the street.

Does your insurance cover front porches?

I'll be right back. Don't leave town.

ALF, I don't think I can ever repay you for what you've done.

[police siren wailing]

What have you done?

Well, uh, I ran over a few front lawns.

Clipped a couple of jay trees.

The rest is a blur.

I better go see if I can help out.

[siren wailing]

[helicopter blades whirring]

Think I'll turn in early tonight.

(ALF) 'Socket wrench.'

Gasket.

Gum.

Say, I know you don't like me to ask but..

What's going on here?

I'm getting the old crate in shape, William.

You're fixing my car?

Hey, we have to save what we can.

Did I tell you the mango grove went under?

You mean, it went out of business?

Nope, it went under.

What is a fault line, anyway?

Under the ground?

- Is that what Joel told you? - I trust him.

I'm gonna ask him for the details

when he gets back from Paraguay.

Anyway, there you go. You're a one car family again.

Well, thanks.

- Ahh! - No!

[laughing] Just kidding.

See? Ha.

- Why do you do that to me? - Because it's funny, man.

Say, uh..

Where'd you ever learn about fixing cars anyway?

I used to watch "Route 66." You pick things up.

That's amazing.

I'll tell you what's more amazing.

That George Maharis never got another series.

Anyway, the car's purring like a kitten.

Which reminds me, I'm hungry.

ALF, uh, I don't know what to say.

I don't know how to thank you for this.

No problem.

I-I think I'll just, uh.. I think I'll just back up.

Take it out for a spin.

'Whoa! No!'

Crowbar.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

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[ALF laughing]