Original subtitles

[theme music]

¶ Happy birthday to you ¶

¶ Happy birthday to you ¶

¶ Happy birthday dear Willie ¶ ¶ Happy birthday dear daddy ¶

¶ Happy birthday to you ¶¶

Thank you. Thanks, everyone. Thank you.

"To a super dad, husband and earthling."

That was mine.

Well, thanks. Thanks, everyone. I'm, I'm very, very touched.

- Thank you, dear. - Oh, happy birthday, darling.

- Happy birthday, daddy. - Oh, thank you, son.

- Many more, dad. - Thanks. Thanks, sweetheart.

Thank you, ALF. Thank..

Whoa! Not bad.

Still waters run deep there, William.

- Blow out the candles. - Okay.

Uh, one, two, three, uh..

[all laughing]

'Joke candle, oh, yeah, joke.'

What is this, the fifth year now?

And I, I fall for it every single time.

Hey, back off there, Willie Bob.

- Let me give it a shot. - 'Oh.'

[Kate gasps] 'ALF!'

What?

[theme music]

[music continues]

(in unison) Speech! Speech! Speech!

Oh, okay. Okay.

I was born the son of a poor asteroid polisher.

Uh, I'm supposed to be making the speech.

I think I know my life better than you do.

But enough about me.

Thank you.

Well, I don't think I've got too much to complain about

that's for sure.

I have my health, I have a wonderful wife

I have two great kids..

...a-and an alien.

Okay. Great speech. Let's open the presents.

Okay, I'll be right back. Come on, Brian.

I hope you got me jewelry.

ALF, i-it's Willie's birthday.

He's the one who gets the presents.

[laughing] The guy who has the birthday

also gets the presents?

Talk about your whacky planet.

Okay, dad, close your eyes.

(Willie) 'Oh.'

Okay...open!

- Happy birthday, darling. - Oh.

Kate, it's "The Cambridge Atlas Of Astronomy."

- Yeah. - Thank you, sweetheart.

- Let me see this. - You're welcome.

(Willie) 'See, I've been eyeing that book'

'in the bookstore for weeks.'

'You know, I was gonna wait until it came out in paperback'

but.. What are you doing?

I'm correcting the more glaring errors.

Look at this. They left out the tenth planet.

Dave.

Give me that.

You know..

...I think you make things up.

You told me there was a race of cucumber people on Mars.

Not a race, a family. A small family.

They're mean!

Here.

Happy birthday!

[gasps] Well, thanks. What is it?

I don't know, something I found in the basement

behind the chemical toilet.

Oh, how thoughtful.

Well, I can't exactly go out and shop!

Oh, no, no. I mean it is charming.

This one's very thoughtful, ALF, thank you.

L-look at these, these are pictures.

These are our high school, our college pictures.

Oh, my gosh! I don't believe this!

- There's old letters in there. - Oh.

Mom, who is this gorgeous guy with his arm around you?

Oh, that's Animal Honerhime.

Animal?

Your mother dated a lot of gorgeous guys

before she met me. Not that I wasn't gorgeous myself.

Hey, who is this guy that looks like Harrison Ford?

Uh, that's Nolan Westwood.

Who's this guy in the stupid-looking clothes?

That's a football uniform, ALF.

I know this guy. He's an old-timer.

What's his name? Joe..

Namath.

You dated Joe Namath?

The panty hose guy? Wow!

Mom, you really went out with some hunks.

But I married the best hunk of them all.

Oh, my gosh! Here's a menu.

Oh, look, it's an old menu from that little restaurant

that, uh, Kate and I discovered.

- Oh. - Let's order.

The restaurant's been closed for 20 years.

- Then why are we ordering? - We're not ordering.

Oh, honey, look what we wrote on the back. It's our list.

What list?

Well, your father and I each made a list of things

that we wanted to accomplish in our lives.

You know, our goals, dreams.

Can I see it?

Look what mom wrote, "To ski the Eagles Nest

"at Squaw Valley.

"To have a poem published

"in a major literary magazine.

To run with the bulls at Pamplona."

She did all that too.

Wow, Kate, you little overachiever you.

Yeah. Way to go, mom.

Oh, well, you know how I am with lists.

I love crossing things off.

- Where's your list, dad? - Oh, it's in there.

I-I think I wrote it under the catch of the day.

Let me see that. I may want sea bass.

We're not ordering.

Alright, alright. Let me read this. Wait a minute.

"Willie Tanner, goals and ambitions.

Number one, to build a better mousetrap."

Well, that must have been a piece of cake.

Not exactly, I-I-I'm still working on that one.

"Number two, complete that skydive."

Complete that skydive?

How do you skydive just a little bit?

Do you jump halfway?

No, you..

...you get ready to jump..

...you have second thoughts

you go back to your seat to sit down.

Oh, you chicken out.

N-no, you decide not to jump.

- You come to your senses. - Yes, you have second thoughts.

You decide not to be stupid.

Alright, alright.

(Willie and ALF) You chicken out.

Now, how about some of that wet cake?

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

- Yo, Willie. - Yo, uh..

- What are you workin' on? - My mousetrap.

Uh-huh.

You might have a little trouble slipping that baby

behind a refrigerator.

Say, uh, don't you have some sleeping to do?

No, I always wake up around 3:00, 3:30

have a couple of potatoes and, uh, wait for my papers.

- What a life. - Yeah, so far no complaints.

- Want a cold spud? - No. No, thanks.

'Cause I ate the rest of the cake.

- I should tell you that now. - That's okay.

And the candles.

Listen, uh..

...ALF, I, I'd really like to finish this thing.

Why bother?

Because I like to finish something I start.

You never finished that skydive.

Did you ever set goals for yourself

that you weren't able to accomplish?

- No. - N-none?

Melmacians don't set goals really.

We live from moment to moment.

- From snack to snack. - Yes.

We take time to stop and..

...smell the potatoes.

Did you ever jump out of a moving plane?

Hey, you wanna be alone, just tell me.

No, no, I mean, did-did, did you ever skydive?

I fell to Earth at Mach 16.

What was that like?

Imagine Mach 8, and double it.

- Weren't you scared? - Not once I started plummeting.

Mmm.

Hey, Willie, don't worry about it.

You don't have to prove anything.

You're a good provider.

You've got a couple of great kids and an alien.

You don't run around.

And your life is incredibly predictable and safe.

[thud]

There's my paper. Ciao.

[instrumental music]

- Kate - Yeah?

You ever hear from Nolan?

Nolan who?

Nolan Westwood.

No. Why?

Oh, uh, I don't know, I just wondered

if you've heard from him since, you know since college.

Actually, I heard that he went to New Guinea

and never came back.

Oh, that's...that's too bad.

Some tribe made him their king.

- W-why do you ask? - Oh, nothing.

I wa.. I was just, uh, I was just curious.

Oh.

Does he have any real power or is he just a figurehead?

Well, uh... he's on the stamps.

- What about Joe? - Joe who?

You know...the football guy.

- Theismann? - No.

Joe Namath.

Did you go out with Joe Theismann too?

No, honey. Just Namath. Why are you bringing all this up?

Kate, you think of me as incredibly predictable

and safe?

Yes.

That's why I'm here with you, right now.

Now, go to sleep. You have a busy day tomorrow.

Yeah. I gotta take the wagon and get the radiator flushed.

After that, I'm going to, uh, stop at the hardware

and see if the lawn sprinkler has come in yet.

Hmm.

Having lunch with Cousin Verne.

He talked to me about his new edger.

After that..

...I decided I'm gonna go skydiving.

Mmm.

- Goodnight, dear. - Goodnight.

[instrumental music]

Ah!

Excuse me.

Where am I?

You're at your graduation.

Well, uh, well, what am I graduating from?

Uh, this is a dream, Tanner.

Its purpose is to point out how inadequate you are

compared to everybody else.

That sounds like fun.

Would you mind standing off to the side?

[instrumental music]

[music stops]

Nolan Westwood.

Come on out and accept your diploma.

[all cheering]

Congratulations, Nolan, on being a successful unicyclist

world traveler and New Guinean king.

Thank you. Here are some stamps and coins.

He's on the money too?

- Tanner, quiet. - I'm sorry.

Listen, I've got to go.

They're having a little ceremony for me back home.

I'm being bumped up from king to God.

- Congratulations, Nolan. - Thanks, bub.

You've really, you've really done quite well.

You're telling me? I've lead a life of travel and adventure.

I'm rich, I'm famous.

I have a species of bird named after me.

I'll have my mortgage paid off in eight years.

Unless we refinance, of course, Kate and I are still kicking--

Yeah, say hi to her for me, will ya? What a cutie.

[swooshing]

Your mortgage will be paid off.

Next up, Lyle Animal Honerhime

jet-setter, yachtsman, international financier.

Come on out here, Animal, and get your diploma.

You rich guy you.

[all cheering]

Thank you, Dean Houseman.

Wow! Have you done well!

Yeah, I'm quite a guy.

You've won the Indianapolis 500

you're listed in the Fortune 500

and in the National League you batted 500.

Listen, I got to run, we're having 500 people

over for dinner tonight.

Animal.

Uh, no, we've already got somebody to park the cars.

No, no, no, I just, uh, I just wanted to say

hello, I'm, I'm Willie Tanner.

Tanner.

Well, I married Kate Halligan.

Kate Halligan.

Say hello to her for me, will ya?

You know, she is one in 500.

[swooshing]

And now..

...our next recipient

needs no introduction.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Namath.

[all cheering]

Hey, Joe, go on out for a long one, huh?

I was just kiddin'. Here you go, Joe.

Thanks. Uh, say, what's going on here?

Uh, uh, Willie's having a dream.

- Willie! - Hello, Joe.

I'm sorry to drag you into this.

Oh, hey, that's cool. I've been doing a lot of dreams lately.

Next week I'm doing a Howard Cosell nightmare.

Oh, oh, gee, Joe, you've done awfully well.

Say, would you, would you autograph this..

...for my son Brian?

Absolutely.

- Here you go. - Thanks, Joe.

"To Brian..

...tell your mom hello."

You know what, I always think about what Kate said

when I proposed to her.

Yeah, and that's how I got the bad knees

by the way, kneeling.

She said, "Broadway.."

She always called me Broadway.

She said, "Thanks, but no thanks.

I'm looking for someone that's...predictable and safe."

So long, Willie.

[swooshing]

Oh.

I'm going skydiving tomorrow!

[imitating Willie] I'm going skydiving tomorrow!

You had your chance.

And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce

our man of the century, someone whose accomplishments

put the rest of us to shame, a person of whom it can truly

be said, "He changed the way we look at the world."

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gordon "ALF" Shumway.

[all cheering]

- ALF. - Hey, ALF, great to see you.

Way to go.

- What a guy! - He's the best.

Say, ALF, can I have your autograph?

Sure, Joe.

Oh-ho, wait till my friends see this.

Oh. Here you go.

- Thanks. - ALF.

- Willie. - ALF?

Willie.

- You're the man of the century? - Yeah, what a surprise!

I was happy just to be nominated.

What a kick!

- Well, congratulations! - Thanks.

Hey, Willie, you never know next century it could be you.

I don't think so.

Hey, come on, don't be so negative.

All you have to do is take this parachute

and jump, Willie. Jump! Jump!

(all) Jump! Jump! Jump!

Jump! Jump! Jump!

Jump! Jump! Jump!

'Jump! Jump! Jump!'

Jump!

(in unison) Jump! Jump!

- Jump, Willie, jump. - Now, hit, roll. Huh?

Hit, roll.

[sighs]

How was that?

I thought the roll was supposed to come right after the hit.

You mean, you mean there was a pause between the two?

There was enough time to send out for pizzas.

Now that's a thought.

- Can I try it? - Yeah, sure.

Come on, hit, roll, huh?

Hit, roll. Hit, roll!

Yes. Yes! Yes.

There's nothing to this skydiving stuff.

It's boring.

Let's take a break here.

Yeah, good idea.

You know, uh, ALF, I had the strangest dream

last night...and you were in it.

- No kidding. - Yeah.

It was really weird.

There was you and there were these three guys

that Kate used to go out with.

What's weird about that?

Well, what were you doing in it?

Now that you brought it up

I think Kate's been coming on to me lately.

I, I really think you're mistaking friendliness

for, uh, something else.

Then I guess I shouldn't have sent her flowers.

- You sent my wife flowers? - Okay, break's over.

[blows whistle]

Let's, uh, let's get on with this.

Come on. Enough of this idle chit-chat.

Hit, roll. Hit! Roll!

Yeah.

- How about it? - Not bad.

If that had been a real jump you'd have just driven

your femur into your spleen.

Oh, Willie, the flowers are beautiful.

Honey, what's the occasion?

Uh, it's just because he loves you, that's all.

Oh, I love you too.

Oh, w-well, what's going on here?

Oh, I was, uh, just practicing my hit and roll.

- That's skydiving lingo. - Sky..

So that is what you said last night.

Yeah, I decided I'm, I'm gonna take the plunge.

And don't try talking him out of this.

ALF, do you mind?

You're really serious about this, aren't you?

Yup.

Why are you doing this?

I'm doing this because I feel I have to do this.

Because of something you wrote on a menu 25 years ago?

I thought it was 20.

ALF.

Twenty five years ago

five people went up in a plane

and four people jumped.

You didn't jump because you didn't wanna jump.

I didn't jump because I was afraid to jump.

You're not afraid now?

I am afraid..

...but I feel..

...that this is something I have to do.

If jumping out of an airplane at 5000 feet

is that important to you, you should do it.

We'll be there watching.

5000 feet? I thought they said it was 4000.

I think it's 10,000.

[instrumental music]

[airplane whirring]

We're nearing the drop zone!

[all cheering]

- Are we pumped? - We're pumped!

We're all pumped, alright. We're-we're pumped as can be.

Uh, pumped as a tire, in fact.

Good, that's what I like to hear!

- Uh, Mr. Tanner. - Yeah.

I noticed you didn't check off the life insurance box.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That'll be, uh, two bucks.

Uh, I don't know, would it be alright if I paid you later?

- Huh. Good one. - Oh, boy.

We are now directly over the drop zone.

Skydivers, prepare for flight.

And watch out for that first step.

Oh, ha ha. Good one!

A-a-are you doing this for fun?

Or-or-or do you have a list too?

- Excuse me? - Oh, never mind.

This is my first time.

- Nervous, huh? - Yeah, a little.

Nothing to worry about, just like jumping off a cliff.

- Collin! - Yo!

[whooshing]

- Pumanski! - Yo!

- Burner! - Yo!

Hey, listen, if anything happens to me

tell them no life support systems.

- Gotcha. - Yeah!

- Tanner! - Present, yes.

- You're supposed to say yo! - Oh, right, yo!

Uh, listen, I, here's what I've decided.

I-I-I can't do this, I-I-I won't do it.

I mean, I-I don't need to do it, so I'm not going to do it.

Uh, that-that's what I wanted to tell you.

You see, I was, I was sitting back there and listening to

everybody say yo and all that and I thought to myself

"Do I really want to plummet?"

And I had to admit

no...I-I don't feel like plummeting

so I'm not gonna do it, I'm gonna go back over there

and I'll sit down. Uh, uh, that's, that's where I'll be.

R-right over there, okay?

W-what?

Oh, nothing.

Ah, what the hell.

[Willie screaming]

[crickets chirping]

[cat mewing]

(Lynn) 'ALF? ALF?'

In here!

[laughing] What are you doing?

Building a better cat trap.

[thud]

How'd the jump go?

- Great, he did it. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Nice going, Willie.

Hey, let's hear it for the Tan man.

- That's right. - Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much, thank you.

It was nothing, it was like jumping off a cliff.

Are you gonna do it again?

Not in your lifetime.

Well, I'm gonna jump as soon as Lash gets his pilot's license.

I think we'll all jump when Lash gets his pilot's license.

ALF, you would have been really, really proud of him.

I was proud of him before he jumped.

You said he'd end up a red smear on the landscape.

I said he might end up a red smear on the landscape.

Well, honey, tell me, what's next for the conquering hero?

Oh, I don't know.

I was thinking about that on the way down.

I'd still like to discover that new galaxy.

I don't know, maybe play pro-football

for a couple of years, take the whole gang, move to New Guinea.

[laughing]

Of course, first..

...I have to get the radiator flushed.

[all laughing]

[thud]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]