Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Don't forget, we're gonna talk about my birthday.

No problem.

So, Brian, your birthday is Thursday

how old are you gonna be?

Seven.

How old are you, ALF?

Two hundred twenty nine in August.

Gosh! How do you blow out 229 candles?

Ah, blowin' 'em out was easy, lightin' 'em was trouble.

See, by the time you're half finished

your wrist is on fire!

Ha! Oh, yeah! I kill me.

Have you decided what you want on your birthday cake, Bri?

- Frosting! Ha! - Oh!

Brian, your mother wants to know

what kind of decoration you want on your cake.

Robin Hood, Hupel and Cassidy?

- Archie and Jughead? - Who are they?

People mom and dad went to school with.

Perhaps, those were outdated examples.

Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake?

Ruth, the two-headed nurse.

- Ruth? - The two-headed nurse?

Yeah! She was the Venowite of Melmac.

And the Bedywite.

A gorgeous natural and bleached blonde.

Oh, Willie, she was voluptuous.

Sultry.

She had four sexy eyes and outstanding--

- ALF. - Nursing skills.

Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decoration?

I just can't decide right now.

If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.

Fine.

But right now, it's time to talk about presents

isn't it, ALF?

Oh, yeah, yeah, presents.

Right, right, yeah.

- Give me the lead in. - Oh, yeah.

What kind of presents do you give on Melmac, ALF?

Well, Brian, on Melmac

we always give very expensive presents.

How was that?

[whispering]

Oh, and lots of them, yeah.

Oh, and specially on your seventh birthday.

Smooth, guys, very smooth.

Oh, by the way

we've decided on the two-headed nurse.

What a surprise!

Give me five. Yeah!

- Give me four. - Ah!

- Yeah! Ha! - Yeah!

[theme music]

[no audio]

[music continues]

Eight hundred and fifty six.

Eight hundred and fifty seven.

'Eight hundred fifty eight.'

Eight hundred fifty nine.

Eight sixty.

Eight hundred and sixty o.. Hey!

Let me know when you're gonna do that, will you?

Excuse me, I-I just wanted to get

something out of the dryer.

Well, don't take the sheep. I'm counting it.

Can't sleep, eh?

Not a wink.

Feel like chatty?

What is it, ALF?

I'm really depressed about Brian's birthday.

Why? The two-headed nurse is gonna be on the cake.

It reminds me of how I'll never have

another birthday with my friends.

Oh. ALF, you did have

a lot of birthdays with your friends.

You're 228.

Yeah, but that last one was a real bummer.

Oh, how come?

Well, for one thing, the planet exploded.

But it wasn't just that.

I was finally gonna get together with my true love.

Rhonda.

You know, I really should turn this off

before that sheep gets scorched.

You don't want to hear this, do you?

Sure I do. Tell me about Rhoda.

Rhoda?

Well, I thought she was funny when she was on "Mary's Show"

but when she got her own series

they married her off too soon.

Weren't we talking about your girlfriend?

Oh, Rhonda? Yeah, what a knockout.

Our very first date was gonna be on my birthday.

- The night your planet blew up? - That's right.

I was brushed and curried and ready for love.

Then word came..

"Orbit Guards man your battle stations."

The rest is history.

Sayonara, Melmac, and sayonara, Rhonda.

- I'm sorry, ALF. - Thanks.

Well, goodnight, Willie.

Reminds me a little of me and Marsha Shankin.

I said goodnight.

Alright, tell me about you and the Martian.

Not the Martian. Marsha.

Marsha Shankin.

It was someone I knew before I met your moth..

Kate.

I had a really serious crush on Marsha Shankin.

By the time I got the nerve up to ask her out..

...she moved to Toledo.

Uncanny.

My planet blew up and some girl you knew moved to Ohio.

- Goodnight, ALF. - Goodnight, Willie.

One, two..

...three, four..

...five..

[instrumental music]

Hey, hey, hey, Stella!

So, uh, happy birthday, Gordo.

Thanks, Skipper.

Yeah, 228.

Hey-hey, you realize that, uh, you spent the third of your life

sittin' on your duff?

I haven't been sitting. I've been doing research.

Yeah, right, the same kind of research we all been doin'.

Watchin' girls. Ha! Ha! I kill me.

[laughs]

Hey, hey, hey, Gordon, you got a date later?

Maybe. Maybe not.

- He's got a date! - He's got a date!

Alright. Who gets the chili cat?

Hey, over here, cutie.

- Phelonion fries, no gravy. - Right here.

Whisker omelet, tail on the side.

Yo!

- Happy birthday, big boy. - Thanks.

I think she likes you, big boy.

Hey, hey, take a look at those gams.

She's got legs like a-like a Lunar Lander.

She's no Rhonda.

- What about Rhonda? - Come on, who are you kiddin'?

That's who you got a date with.

Alright, I've got a date with Rhonda.

Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

Hey, it's no big deal.

¶ Help me Rhonda help help me Rhonda ¶¶

You know..

...I'm really gonna miss you guys, if, uh..

...if anything ever happens.

- What do you mean? - Like, if what happens?

Oh, I don't know.

Like-like, if the planet ever exploded or something.

(man on PA) 'Attention, attention.'

'Orbit Guards, man your battle stations.'

'Nuclear devastation on its way.'

Oh, my gosh, I've gotta go.

Listen, if you see Rhonda, tell her, I lo..

Don't tell her anything.

Hey, seeing he's gone, pass me his omelet.

ALF! ALF, wake up! Wake up!

[screaming]

- What's the matter? - Well, you were..

You were talking in your sleep.

You-you were shouting, you were singing!

What was I singing?

I don't know, it was something about The Beach Boys.

"Little Deuce Coupe?"

No, it was that one with Rhonda in the title.

¶ Help me Rhonda help help me Rhonda ¶¶

Oh, yeah. Rhonda.

Are you okay?

- I don't think so, Willie. - Well, what's wrong?

Everything.

I wanna go home.

[instrumental music]

Just fluff 'em up. Just a bit.

Oh!

How's the tempt, Lynn?

[sighs] Four hundred twenty five degrees, ALF.

Normal.

Normal's being on your own planet, not here.

ALF, I know you miss your friends and family.

But we're your family now

and...and we'd do anything for you.

- Wouldn't we, mom? - I think we are.

Any chance of reheating this soup?

[sighs] My pleasure.

Oh, and you might wanna run a Dustbuster over this couch.

I seem to be shedding.

ALF, I'm not going all the way out to the garage

to get the Dustbuster.

Be realistic, Kate. It's not gonna come to you.

ALF...I'm gonna tell you something now

and I want you to listen to me.

Very carefully.

Let me get the Dustbuster.

Now, I realize that you miss Rhonda

and that you're homesick

and people that are sick

are not themselves..

[blows nose]

They say things they don't mean

they act in ways they wouldn't..

...ordinarily act.

But if you ever talk to me like that again

I'll punch your heart out.

Fair enough.

This is K-7-2-6-X-A-A, Los Angeles.

Is there anyone out there from the Planet Melmac?

[radio static]

Hey! This isn't fair.

We're in there nursing a shedding alien

and you guys are out here having fun.

No, we are not. We are not having fun.

We're-we're trying to contact someone from Melmac.

Yeah, like maybe ALF's girlfriend Rhonda.

Yeah, we thought if we could contact another Melmacian

if ALF knew that he weren't the last

of his species or somethin', maybe he'd cheer up.

Let's play it again, dad.

[radio static]

¶ Help me Rhonda help help me Rhonda ¶

Very scientific.

¶ Help me Rhonda help help me Rhonda ¶

¶ Help me Rhonda ¶¶

How is that?

It's a little hot, but I'm too weak to blow.

Would you mind?

Why don't we just

set it down and let it cool off?

Good idea.

And maybe you could massage my feet while it cools.

[clattering]

Or not.

Maybe if you got off the couch

and walked on you feet, you might feel better.

Walk? I could hardly blink.

I'm exhausted.

- What's going in here? - Ohh!

[groaning]

Should I wait to do this?

Tomorrow would be better.

By then, I'll be completely bald.

That's usually the last stage before..

...the end.

- ALF! - Here.

Keep this somewhere in a safe place.

"Last will and testament?"

[coughing]

"I, Gordon Shumway.."

Shumway?

Don't blab that around till I'm gone.

"...do hereby bequeath

all of my worldly and cosmic goods.."

We made contact!

- We made contact! - It's a Melmacian.

It's somebody named Skip.

Give me that.

And you never heard the name Shumway!

(Skip on radio) 'Hey! Where'd you guys go?'

'I don't have all day.'

It's really him! It's Skip!

Skip, Skip, can you hear me?

Yeah, yeah. Hear you loud and clear.

Who was I talking to before?

Oh, well, that was one of the kids.

(Skip) 'Kids? You got kids now?'

No. Well, well, they're not mine.

I mean, I'm just living with them and their parents.

- Hi, Skip, I'm Brian. - Hi, kid.

I'm Willy, and this is Kate.

Kate, say hi to Skip!

Hi..

...Skip.

Is everybody okay?

Have you heard from anyone else?

Well, Rick and Stella got married.

They opened up a tanning parlor on Mercury.

Where are you?

(Skip) 'I got to Hambetal, and I'm headed for Andromeda.'

'Give me your coordinates. I'll do a fly-by.'

'Pick you up tomorrow, about sevenish.'

Oh, uh, tomorrow? Uh, that's Brian's birthday.

Yeah, you can come to my birthday party.

Well, sure. We'd love to have you! Wouldn't we, dear?

Right! Mi casa su casa.

Uh, Skip, Skip!, can you maybe make it next week?

I hate to miss Brian's birthday, and, uh

Friday, the transvestites are back on "Donahue."

(Skip) Hey, I'm not runnin' a bus service.

Do what you have to do.

But I know someone else who's gonna be really disappointed.

Rhonda.

Rhonda? You've seen Rhonda?

Seen her? She's right here.

Hey, say something, sweetheart.

Hi, cutie.

[stammering] Rho-Rho-Rhonda!

Yes, Gordon, it's me.

I've missed you.

[gulps] Yikes.

Uh, what are you doing with Skip?

Not much.

You're the only one for me.

[whining]

You-you-you mean that, Rhonda?

Cross my heart.

Forget the transvestites. See you tomorrow!

Yeah!

Okay, there.

There we go! What do you think, Bri?

It's the worst day of my life.

Bri, we know how much ALF means to you.

But, honey, he wants to be with his old friends again.

I-I'm sure that he feels just as bad about it as you do.

¶ I got the world on a string ¶

¶ Sitting on a rainbow ¶¶

Oh, am I interrupting something?

Not really. We were just hanging up this "Happy Birthday" sign.

Brian was about to cry.

Hey, come here, tiger.

Willie, hold this. Come here.

Look, try to understand.

If you were living on Melmac with me

and-and you had a chance to come back home to your family

you'd go, wouldn't ya?

I'd never leave you, ALF.

This isn't going well.

No, it's not.

Brian, this is just something I have to do.

And I know that even though you don't believe this..

...some day you're gonna understand.

Hey, Kate, I don't suppose there's any chance of taking

Lucky with me, is there?

- No. - Alright, alright.

Willie, you better let him out of there.

Oh, no!

What?

Sorry, Lucky. You would've liked Skip.

And I know Skip would have liked you.

ALF..

...we thought you might want some cake before you go.

Hey!

That's me on that cake.

- It's an ALF cake. - That's what Brian wanted.

I'm speechless.

Lynn, this is really nice of you.

Well, mom made it.

Kate, I didn't know you cared.

Well...it was a mix.

Bye, ALF.

We'll never forget you.

ALF..

ALF...this has been..

...an incredible experience.

You've enriched our lives..

...you've given us a chance to learn from you.

Thank you, my friend.

So long, Willie.

Goodbye.

Come on, Katie. Give us a hug.

Goodbye, ALF.

Good luck.

That's all you have to say?

It's a long trip and if you have to use the bathroom

now would be a good time.

I don't, but thanks for the concern.

Come on, Brian. Give us a hug.

Oh, ALF!

Happy birthday, kid.

I love you.

Yeah. Me, too.

Well, I'm in the wind.

Ciao.

Arrivederci.

Goodbye.

And goodnight, Mrs. Ochmonek..

...wherever you are.

[sighs]

It's so strange to have food here and not have ALF.

Hey, B..

...what do you say we have a piece of cake?

Not until the spaceship comes to pick up ALF.

Come on. Come on over here, son.

He's not even gone yet and I miss him already.

He was so funny.

Remember the time he set the shower on fire?

I do. I was in it.

I thought it was funny when he buried the couch.

I remember.

I was on it.

You remember the time he was helping change the tire

he pulled the jack away from the car?

Yeah. I remember.

I was under it.

We all have some wonderful memories, eh?

He did keep things interesting.

You never knew what he was gonna say next, what he'd do next

where he'd turn up.

(ALF) Que pasa?

- ALF! - ALF, you're back!

ALF, what are you doing here?

Uh, shouldn't you be on the roof?

I just wanted to give you your watch back.

It is my watch.

You know, Skip's gonna be by to pick you up in just 30 seconds!

Well, look it. I forgot to give Brian his birthday presents.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Here you go, kid. Melmacian dice.

Every roll's a seven. You're a winner.

Well, ALF, uh, that's wonderful, but you're gonna miss your ride!

There's just 13 seconds to go!

Hey, hey, hey. Hold it. Wait a minute.

Why is everyone trying to give me the bum's rush here?

I still got a couple of things I wanna say.

- Ten seconds! - Let me finish.

Now, I know that, uh..

...I haven't always been what you might call a model alien.

You're stalling!

Stalling?

Stalling?

- Stalling? - Stalling!

Are you saying I'm stalling? Huh?

You think I'd rather stay here with you guys

than sail across the cosmos with Skip and..

[rumbling]

[zapping]

...Rhonda?

You missed your ride.

Yeah, I guess I did.

He's staying!

ALF's staying!

You gave up Rhonda for us?

Ah, she'll only want me more after a couple of centuries.

But aren't you gonna miss her?

Yeah.

But, uh..

...I guess what it boils down to is..

...I'd miss you more.

You love us that much?

Yeah.

I guess I do.

We love you too, ALF.

We really do.

Let's not get maudlin.

Welcome home...ALFmeister!

[scratching]

Say, what is that scratching noise?

What scratching noise?

It's coming from your suitcase.

What suitcase?

Lucky? You bad boy!

What are you doing in there?

I told him no suitcase, no suitcase!

Oh!

[instrumental music]

You know, ALF, I've had mixed feelings about you.

But I realize that you just made a big sacrifice

to stay with us and..

...I'm really touched.

You had mixed feelings about me?

A few.

I had a few about you, too.

- 'Yeah?' - Yeah.

I still don't feel properly thanked

for saving you from that shower fire.

But, uh, we'll talk about that later.

Right now, I'm bushed.

I'd like to go over to the couch over here

and lie down for a few days. Maybe have some soup.

Oh, and another big slab of that ALF-cake would be great.

Still didn't vacuum this, did you?

Skip, Rhonda, come back!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]