Original subtitles

Well, what it boils down to is

we've gotta take a closer look at our bills.

[grunts]

Hey! What's going on in here?

We're having a family meeting.

Oh, I get it. Freeze out the alien.

I guess I'm not part of the family.

Uh, ALF, we thought you were watching "The Three Stooges."

I turned it off.

Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.

- Curly was a senator once. - True.

And Moe was speaker of the house.

Could we, uh, put an end to the stooge talk here for a minute?

[imitating Curly] Certainly.

[gibberish]

We'd like to get back to our meeting.

Oh, yeah. The meeting I wasn't invited to.

It's, uh, it's about our family budget.

What'd you think I was going to do?

Dominate the conversation? Be a nuisance?

No, ALF, nobody ever suggest--

Throw up a lot of pointless suggestions?

- Interrupt everybody? - Ah, we never said--

Never let anyone get a word in edgewise--

ALF! You can come to the meeting.

No, thanks.

[theme music]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

Let's just take a look at our electric bill for example

it's three times what it used to be.

Maybe it's the porch light you leave on every time I go out.

Porch light stays.

[chuckles] And we've been keeping the thermostat down to 70.

And I turn off the dryer as soon as I wake up.

Well, we're just going.. The, the dryer?

What do you mean turn off the dryer?

Why, why would you even turn it on?

To keep me company at night.

Why? Is eight hours too long?

Yes.

What if I just leave it on delicates?

Leave it off.

Now, let's get back to the rest of our money problems.

No chance of your getting a better job I suppose.

I like my job. The money's fine.

Who made this call to Munich? Munich, Germany?

Munich? That has to be a mistake.

No, it's not.

You called Munich. Why?

Remember the vacuum cleaner I broke?

Yeah.

Well, the repair place said they couldn't get the chicken salad

out of the impeller blade

and they had to send it to Germany for an overhaul.

That doesn't explain why you'd call Germany.

Hey, I believe in following things through.

Let's move on to another problem.

- Food. - I'm gonna go get some cookies.

I don't think that all of us are aware how much food costs.

We're all out of macaroons. All we got are chocolate chips.

Let alone how much food is being consumed for that matter.

Is something wrong?

You're eating all our food.

All the food?

Except the stuff that lands on the floor.

Okay, I'm beginning to realize what this is all about.

You all think I'm a parasite.

No one thinks you're a parasite.

Alright. A freeloader?

Freeloader is closer.

What about a sponger?

Where did you ever hear that word?

That's what you called him last week.

Oh, I see.

Let's just settle on parasite and move on.

Fine. If you want me, I'll be in my room.

Not wasting money.

[piano music]

¶ I just checked into the Parasite Hotel ¶

¶ They ain't got a porter or a bell ¶

¶ I checked in to that Parasite Hotel ¶¶

- ALF! - Oh, I'm sorry.

Was I playing too loud?

I didn't know you could play the piano.

Well, I was winging it.

It's tough to play without the red keys.

You seem kinda down.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive about being called a freeloader

sponger and parasite.

Oh, ALF, we didn't mean to call you any of those things.

You, you just happened to catch us in a moment of..

Honesty.

It's just a matter of making a few adjustments. You know we--

No need to lay it out, Kateski. I hear you loud and clear.

I've gotta get a job.

- A job? - That's right.

It's nose to the grindstone time for this parasite.

But, um, what could you even do?

Well, on Melmac, I owned and operated

my own phlegm dealership.

Phlegm dealership?

Ever tried one? The phlegm turbo was a classic.

Must be some other options.

Well, there was a sunroof

but, uh, it was best to keep it closed.

Now, you don't need to get a job.

Listen, if you really wanna contribute

we'll give you a few chores to do around the house.

How would that be?

You mean fluffing up pillows? Stuff like that?

Well, no, but you could, uh, help fold laundry

load the dishwasher.

No. No, not that. We'll think of something.

Don't worry about it.

Chores, fine for the beaver

but not exactly tycoon territory.

Ah, I've gotta find a way to earn money now.

But how?

"Looking for a way to earn money now?

Call this toll-free number."

Opportunity knocks.

Well, hello! Yeah, uh, when do I start?

Huh? Oh, oh, ALF. My name is ALF.

Yeah. Have I earned any money yet?

What do you mean I have to sell something first?

Alright, fine. Send it here and I'll sell it.

Uh, 167 Hemdale.

It's a beige house. You can't miss it.

Yeah, great. Oh, oh, wait a minute.

Before I forget. One more question.

What am I gonna be selling?

ALF, this package is for you.

Oh, it's here. Yeah.

What's here? What is it?

Can I open it?

Hey, hey, hey, come on.

Let's not get impatient, shall we?

Tastefully packaged? Well, I guess so.

ALF, these are cosmetics.

That's right, cosmetics.

This must be the earlobe freshener.

ALF, what are you doing with cosmetics?

Huh? Oh, didn't I tell you? I got a job.

I'm a Terry Faith girl.

I thought you were an alien.

Why can't I have the best of both worlds?

But, ALF, how can you sell Terry Faith cosmetics?

Lynn, honey, I know exactly what you're gonna say.

I can't do the public number, right?

Ha! Well, just send that worry packing.

I make it all happen over the phone.

But don't you have to know something about makeup

before you can sell it?

That's the great thing about this company.

They welcome ignorance.

Have you ever had a Terry Faith facial?

Can't say that I have.

You don't know anything about this stuff.

Honey, honey, that's why we have this book.

"The Wonderful World Of Terry Faith Cosmetics."

Let's check it out here. Here we go.

"Terry Faith was born outside of Dayton, Ohio

at a bend in the road near the turn of the century."

What does it says about how to give a facial?

Don't you wanna hear about the early years?

- I do. - I don't.

- Let's skip to the facial part. - Alright, okay.

Here we go.

"Chapter I, the facial part."

Here, hold this.

Let's see here.

This must be the stuff.

Come on, Lynn, get down here. Let's give it a shot.

It says apply liberally to customer's face and neck.

What do you think?

- Just a little bit. - Yeah, yeah, okay.

[humming]

Yeah.

Yeah, here it's going on real smooth.

- Just, just a little bit. - It says apply liberally.

Okay. Okay, apply liberally.

Alright, that's what I'm doing.

- Alright. - Alright.

Here we go. I'm applying it.

- Okay - Good. Okay. Good.

Now, uh, now for cheek color

I think Terry suggests something like, uh

Evening Lobster.

- Can I see a mirror? - Not yet, not yet.

Now, I want you to suck in those cheeks real tight. Like this.

Superb. Let's do this.

Here we go. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Here, uh, missed a spot right there.

- Great. Oh. - Okay. Now can I see a mirror?

I don't think you want to.

My work speaks for itself.

Come on. Let me have it.

I'm gonna go wash my face.

You didn't let it harden.

Before it hardens.

Brian, I'm in business. My freeloader days are numbered.

- What about your parasite days? - Hey, come on now.

Just help me pack this stuff up and carry it to my room.

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Just a minute.

ALF, it's for you. Someone named Ginger.

Oh, great. Great. Thanks.

Hello, Ging. Darling!

Oh, I just got the package.

It's divine.

Yeah, the lipsticks?

I didn't know there were so many luscious colors.

Yeah. Oh, that tangerine tango is exquisite.

What? Couple of extra cases?

Oh, yeah, no problem. Mm-hmm, yeah.

Yeah, send 'em over. I'll move 'em.

Yeah, just put it on my account.

Yeah, okay. Thank you. Ciao.

Alright, Brian, I'm checking out.

¶ Of the Parasite Hotel ¶

¶ Gonna move that mousse and styling gel ¶¶

[instrumental music]

It's too quiet.

- For reading? - For the house.

Where is ALF?

Oh, I don't know. He could be resting.

He could be reading.

He could be carrying our towels through the den.

- Excuse me, ALF. - Yo.

Why are you carrying our towels through the den?

Aren't we a curious George tonight?

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

We'd like an answer to that question.

It's for you. Someone named Ginger.

Oh, ho.. Here, hold this, hold this.

Yeah.

Hello.

Hiya, Ging. Yeah, what's cookin'?

Uh-huh. Yeah, uh-huh, oh..

How's Oscar's hernia?

Oh, good, that's good news.

Oh, Ging, I couldn't agree more.

Yeah, those hunting sashes are going to be very hot.

Yeah, yeah, send me a ton of those.

A hunting sashes?

Newcomer of the month? Moi?

Ha! Well, I don't know what to say.

I'm floored. I'm agog.

I'm absolutely silly.

(ALF) 'Yeah, okay, look, gotta run, hun.'

Love to Bridget and Peg. Bye-bye.

[kissing]

- Yeah. - Alright, alright.

Let's just start at the beginning.

Who's Ginger?

And why are you talking to her about hunting sashes

and if you'll pardon my ignorance

what are hunting sashes?

Alright. I was gonna tell you anyway.

I have a job.

- A what? - A job.

I'm in the rouge-slinging game.

What?

That's a trade lingo for beauty rep.

- What? - I'm selling cosmetics.

ALF, I thought we decided against your getting a job.

This isn't a job.

It's a glittering, fast pace career.

If I play my cards right, I can bring home twice

what the civil servant here does.

The civil servant doesn't need you to sell cosmetics.

The civil servant is doing just fine. Thank you very much.

Mom, where are all the tow..

Oh, the towels are in here.

ALF, ALF was just about to tell us why.

Well, maybe he needed some storage space.

Oh, you can drop the cover, Lynn.

I've blown the lid off of the Operation Makeup.

Lynn, you mean you knew about this and didn't tell us?

Well, ALF asked me not to say anything

until he made enough money to bail out the civil servant.

Yeah, I mean, I finally feel like a productive

member of society.

I'm pulling my weight, Willie.

By selling cosmetics?

Yeah, dad. He's really excited about working.

Let's give him a chance.

Yeah, yeah. Wait till you check out these goods.

I'll be right back.

You know, Willie.

Honey, it's kind of nice that he wants to help us out.

Well, I guess we should be supportive...for a while.

And then, if he does manage to show a profit

not that we need it.

Alright, here we go.

Sit down, Katydid.

Let's try to reverse the ravages of time.

What?

Hey, come on, don't fight it, Kate.

It happens to everyone, alright?

Willie, do I look old?

Why are you even listening to him?

He is a beauty consultant.

- Kate, honey. - 'Mm-hmm.'

- Listen to me, alright? - 'Yeah.'

And I mean this.

It's not that you look old

it's, it's just that a woman of such radiant beauty

should let her, her lasting loveliness bloom

with the passage of time.

- Oh, brother. - No, let him talk.

We're all gonna be supportive, remember?

Alright, uh, ALF, maybe, maybe I'll buy something.

Um, what do you recommend?

Well, uh, I say that, uh..

...our sub-reflective chin buffing paste is a must.

- Really? How much is that? - Fifty dollars.

Or twenty.

How much you got?

- Five. - Sold.

You got a real flair for the business end of the thing too.

Hey, I didn't get voted Newcomer Of The Month for nothing.

[scoffs] How could you be voted Newcomer Of The Month

when you haven't sold anything yet?

Ha! It's not how much you sell, it's how much you buy.

[doorbell rings]

Well...exactly how much did you buy?

I'll have to check my day planner.

[doorbell rings]

- William Tanner? - Yes.

I've got a delivery here for you from the Terry Faith company.

Hold it! Wait. Just a minute. I'm not signing anything.

No signature's necessary. This was all paid for over the phone.

I'll be back with the rest when I get a bigger truck.

Keep the faith.

Four thousand dollars.

Yup, that matches my total.

ALF, how were you able to purchase $4000 worth of makeup?

Plastic. I put it on your visa.

Oh, incidentally, you're over your limit.

You used my credit card to buy $4000 worth of makeup?

Hey, what choice did I have?

Banks don't give a line of credit to people with one name.

Except Madonna.

I don't believe this.

Come on, you'll get it all back.

The markup on this stuff is outrageous.

Here, look, you're already five bucks ahead.

ALF! ALF, ALF, what do you do when the stuff turns green?

Well, let's see here.

Dayton, Dayton.. Her first marriage, puffy eyes.

"Return to Dayton." Oh, here we go.

"When things turn green."

What, you're gonna leave the kid looking like that?

Lynn, go help your brother take his makeup off.

Okay. Come on.

[sighs]

You have abused the trust of this family far too long.

You're grounded!

Oh! No phone, no television, no nothing!

Not until we get this makeup mess straightened out.

My career really threatens you, doesn't it, Willie?

Yes, financially.

Life's funny.

You try and help someone out and boom

they turn on you like a wild animal!

[doorbell rings]

If that's a load of your deliveryman--

No, that's probably the girls.

- The girls? - I'm sorry. The women.

- What women? - The customers.

The ones coming to the Terry Faith party.

That's what the towels were for.

It is, it's women.

You are not to entertain customers in this house.

Of course, I'm not. You are.

What do you mean we are?

I was trying to explain it to you.

See, your role in a Terry Faith's sales family

is to play host and hostess to my customers.

I-i-if that means selling your makeup, forget it!

Willie, Willie, these products sell themselves.

[doorbell rings] You don't have to do a thing.

Except entertain a houseful of strangers.

Relax. They'll be wearing name tags.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, and by the way, don't take any personal checks.

[knock on door] Willie!

Don't worry, don't worry.

I'm gonna put an end to this right now.

- Ladies-- - Oh, hi.

- Oh, what a beautiful house. - Hi, hi. No, I'm not ALF.

Oh, then you must be his assistant, Willie.

- Where's ALF? - ALF is at a, uh--

- The director's meeting. - Ooh.

Yes, right. Uh, ladies, if I may have your attention, please.

About these products--

Willie, hun, you don't have to sell us

the products sell themselves.

- I'll have an espresso. - Oh, gee, that sounds good.

Could you sprinkle a little cinnamon on mine

and don't bother to heat the strudel.

Espresso and strudel.

Uh, listen, ladies, I don't know what ALF told you

about these cosmetics--

Oh, never mind, here they are.

Is it okay if we open these.. Stop.

No, no. That's not a good idea. No, no.

- Oh, is that espresso coming? - And strudel?

Uh, I'll see.

Oh, Willie, did the muffin-free eye solvent finally come in?

Kate.

Tell the girls to hang on. The food is on its way.

Cinnamon.

What am I doing? We don't even have an espresso machine.

Too bad. It's kinda standard at these parties.

Look, let them start on these. I'll make some instant.

You're not making anything. The party is over.

[doorbell rings] Willie is not doing his card tricks again, is he?

Yeah, that's..

- Hi. - Oh, come in.

Look, what...wait till you see. They've got all the shades.

- 'Wait..' - Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, Willie, I don't wanna ruin my manicure.

Would you rub this in for me?

- Oh...where? - Wherever I need it.

- Willie.. - Oh, hi, Kate.

- Uh, can we change a $100 bill? - A $100?

Oh, Willie, never mind the change.

I'll take this and the guacamole skin toner

and we'll call it even.

Guacamole skin toner. I've gotta have some of that.

Oh, did someone say guacamole?

- Willie, what's going on? - I don't know.

But, uh, I think we sold something.

Willie, will you take personal checks?

Oh, I don't know. Uh, should we?

(ALF) 'Get some ID.'

Get some ID.

Willie, I think I bought enough to qualify for the luggage.

What luggage?

Well, ALF told me I get my choice

of either soft sided or mock Naugahyde

and I'd like to see them before I make my choice.

I don't know what you're talking about, lady.

ALF said you'll try to talk me out of it.

Myrna, uh, forget the luggage.

Just buy another $200 worth and take the trip to Dayton.

You'll love the museum. It's marvelous.

Great idea.

Willie, honey, do you think we're doing the right thing?

I don't know. We've got no choice.

We're in this up to our necks.

Necks? Oh, that reminds me.

Willie dear, where is that neck tightener I ordered?

Coming, bunny.

I'll be right back, dear.

Cheez Whiz?

Hey, Tanner, the rest of your stuff is here.

Should I back the truck up to the door or what?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Well, all the figures are in.

- How much did we make? - Not so fast.

I need a drumroll.

Just tell us.

I'm not telling you until I get a drumroll.

Give me that.

Well..

Now, we did pretty well.

Pretty well? We made it all back plus a small profit.

Oh, boy, can we get an air-hockey table?

No, I think we'll just use this money

to pay for that phone call to Munich.

You know, if we have few more of these parties--

No, no more parties. No more makeup.

No more Terry Faith.

Well, I want you all to know

how much I appreciate your giving me the chance.

You came through for me, and it all worked out

and now, I've got something for you.

Lynn, tell them what they've won.

You have just won a beautiful set of mock Naugahyde luggage.

ALF, that is really, really sweet.

It looks just like real Naugahyde.

And that's only the beginning, folks.

Because next week, we'll be packing those bags

and leaving for beautiful Dayton

'where we'll be spending three days and two nights'

at the beautiful Terryland Hotel.

You'll be dancing and dining in the beautiful eye shadow lounge

and visiting the Terry Faith museum

where Terry herself is on display

gorgeously preserved in the revolving crystal casket.

"To preserve the dignity of this monument

there will be no flash photography."

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]