Original subtitles

(ALF) Your eyelids are growing heavy.

You are getting sleepy.

You are no longer a cat.

You are a bagel.

- What are you doing? - Hey! You scared me.

You ought to wear a bell.

W-what's going on here?

Um, I was, uh, I was just teaching Lucky how to tell time.

Show Willie what you've learned.

You were hypnotizing him, weren't you?

[snapping fingers]

Okay, you caught us.

I'm trying to help Lucky beat his smoking problem.

Alright, it looks like it's once again time

to restate the rules of the household.

Rule number one

we do not eat members of the family.

Willie, Willie, Willie.

Lucky and I were just kidding around.

[clears throat] Uh, look, uh

I got to go pick up Kate and the kids.

Now, while I'm gone, I'd like you to refrain

from kidding Lucky.

No problem.

I'd also like you to refrain

from playing with priceless family heirlooms.

[chuckles]

It's broken.

Lucky fell on it.

You know, it's not always true that they land on their feet.

Lucky?

Lucky, don't listen to him.

Don't listen to him. You're not a bagel.

You're not a bagel!

But you are getting sleepy.

Just kidding!

[laughs]

[door closes]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[Bob Seger singing "Old Time Rock And Roll"]

¶ Just take those old records off the shelf ¶

¶ I sit and listen to 'em by myself ¶

¶ Today's music ain't got the same soul ¶

¶ I like that old time rock and roll ¶

¶ Don't try to take me to a disco ¶

¶ You'll never even get me out on the floor ¶

¶ In ten minutes I'll be late for the door ¶

¶ I like that old time rock and roll ¶

¶ Still like that old time rock and roll ¶

¶ That kind of music just soothes the soul ¶

¶ I reminisce about the days of old ¶

¶ With that old time rock and roll ¶¶

[music stops]

[door closes]

Maybe we should have called first.

Well, I had the music pretty loud.

I probably wouldn't have heard the phone.

Uh, uh, I was planning to have the place spotless

by the time you got back.

[thuds]

When did you expect us back?

In April?

When I left, you said you were going to behave

but this is not behaving, this is mass destruction.

I don't know what happened.

I was sitting here, doing better than my best.

I decided I'd make myself a little snack..

...the rest is a blur.

How can one alien

be so irresponsible?

I wasn't irresponsible. I was hungry!

Did you eat everything in the house?

No.

I don't think so.

Oh, wait a minute, here's something.

Who wants a cookie?

I do.

I'll split it with you.

Brian, why don't you go feed Lucky?

I hope there's some food left.

You didn't eat all the cat food too, did you?

No way. I draw the line at intestinal byproducts.

How can you eat so much?

I've been blessed with multiple stomachs.

I don't understand why you don't gain any weight.

It's all in the way you combine your foods.

- Really? That's interesting. - Yeah.

Merv did a show on it. I have a tape here somewhere.

I don't believe this.

Merv says it works.

Of course, have you seen Merv lately?

Alright, forget Merv.

We're not talking about Merv.

No more Merv!

Fine, he's off the air anyway.

Let's talk a little about how much food costs.

Yeah, hey, Kate!

You know, you could save a fortune

by clipping coupons.

They did a whole show about it on Mer..

The fat guy's show.

Coupon clipping is not a good idea.

I shouldn't be allowed to hold scissors.

Am I being overly sensitive

or is there tension in this room?

ALF, let's get this place cleaned up.

I'll give you a hand.

Can we hold off on that a second?

I feel a burp coming on.

Oh, goody.

Uh, while we're waiting..

...would you take off my shirt?

Sure.

It's.. No, not..

The one you're wearing.

Right.

I can't find Lucky.

Oh, he's around somewhere.

I looked all over.

I wonder where Lucky is.

Do you know, ALF?

Hold it.

[burps]

No.

I'll look around some more.

Brian, see if Lucky's in the hamper!

He likes rolling around in dirty laundry!

Who doesn't?

ALF..

...do you know where Lucky is?

You know Lucky, he's a free spirit.

Last time I saw him

he was hightailing it out of the window.

And what were you doing?

I was chasing him with a fork!

[laughing] Just kidding.

On Melmac, a cat-fork joke is a classic.

It's-it's right up there with, with Seltzer bottles

and whoopee cushions.

No wonder vaudeville is dead.

ALF, the last time I saw Lucky

you were teaching him to tell time.

- What are you getting at? - Yeah.

What does tell time mean?

It means hypnotizing the cat into thinking he's a bagel.

Oh.

Oh, you mean, you think ALF might have, might have eaten..

ALF, you didn't!

Hey, hey, hey.

We're treading on some pretty serious ground here.

These unjust accusations have

litigation written all over them.

I know my rights.

I watch "People's Court."

ALF, did you eat Lucky or not?

Willie, I know the rules.

We don't eat members of our family.

We don't eat members of any family.

Well, which is it?

I can't find Lucky anywhere.

Well, maybe he got sucked into a parallel dimension.

I've seen that happen before.

I, I don't think so.

Oh, so I guess there's only one other explanation.

The alien must have eaten him.

Well, I didn't!

Smell my breath. There's no Lucky on it.

[puffs]

That's the only thing that's not on it.

ALF wouldn't eat Lucky.

Would you?

I'm not saying anything until I talk to my attorney.

Now, look, maybe we're rushing into judgment here.

Uh, maybe Lucky just

went for a walk.

I-I-I'm sure he'll turn up.

[gagging]

It's a fur ball.

- Lucky? - Don't look.

Hey, this isn't Lucky.

I was licking some Jell-O off my arms

and I, and I swallowed hair.

Come on, guys, it's me you're talking to.

ALF.

I haven't eaten a cat since I left Melmac.

[Brian crying]

Brian.

Lucky was my best friend!

Come on, don't cry.

Hey, what's with this family?

Didn't you ever hear the expression

"Innocent until proven guilty?"

Not when the accused coughs up the victim!

Is there anyone here who doesn't think I'm guilty?

Well..

Thanks, Lynn.

...maybe you ate him by accident.

I see.

Well, the indictment has been handed down.

Thank you all for your support.

Call me when you're finished building the gallows.

Oh, and here.

Exhibit A! Hah!

[instrumental music]

[clock ticking]

[thinking] Dear family..

No. Uh-uh. Too friendly.

Dear lynch mob..

Yeah, much better.

I've been accused of a crime

I did not commit.

Accused by people I thought were my friends.

You say I am a murderer.

I say, the only thing murdered today

was justice.

Oh, yeah. That is good.

But like David Janssen in "The Fugitive.."

...I will travel the country in a desperate attempt

to clear my name

by finding the one-armed man.

That can't be right.

By finding Lucky.

I will search relentlessly..

...taking time out only to have love affairs

with beautiful women.

Now I must begin my journey.

Goodbye.

Yours till Niagara Falls..

...ALF.

Hmm.

Oops.

Huh.

[thinking] PS..

...these are teardrops.

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

[clock ticking]

[instrumental music]

[clattering]

Oh, great. Breakfast.

Thanks, mom.

- Lynn! - I'm sorry.

I'm just so hungry.

- Me too. - Me too.

We better eat fast before ALF gets to it.

Okay, I'll have a bowl of Sugar Shocks.

Sugar Shocks aren't good for you.

How about if I pour some nice healthy milk on them?

How about if I pour some milk on your oatmeal?

Chocolate milk?

It's a deal.

Where's ALF this morning?

Probably too ashamed to come to breakfast.

Or too full.

I had a dream last night that ALF came into my room

and tried to eat me.

Brian, ALF would never do that.

Of course, he wouldn't.

You sleep with us tonight.

[sighs] You know, I almost feel sorry for ALF.

Why?

I'm just trying to see things

through his eyes.

I'm trying to understand why he ate Lucky.

I mean, ALF has different instincts than we do.

On his planet they eat cats the same way we eat cows.

We don't eat cows.

Where do you think hamburgers come from?

The supermarket.

I have good news.

Brian, go get ALF.

I want you to look at something.

(Kate) 'What?'

I've analyzed the composition

of the fur ball and I've compared it

to the clump of hair..

...uh, a clump of ALF's hair

that I found in the ice cream.

Now, the composition of the fur ball

is the same as the hair in the ice cream.

Do you know what that means?

It means breakfast is over.

No, it means ALF is innocent.

So we were wrong? We accused him unjustly?

- We should have believed him. - Oh.

- Where's ALF? - I don't know.

- But I found this note. - What does it say?

Oh, hmm..

[indistinct mumbling]

Let's, uh, skip the part about David Janssen.

It says...he didn't eat Lucky.

Poor ALF.

It says he's gone out to find Lucky

and to prove his innocence.

And his manhood.

This letter even has teardrops.

Grape-colored teardrops.

- He must feel so betrayed. - Hmm.

I'm gonna go find him.

I'm going too.

I'm coming with you.

Me too.

ALF is all alone out there, I'm really worried about him.

And he doesn't know about crossing on the green

and not in between.

(Willie) That's right.

- Where are we gonna look? - I don't know.

- He could be anywhere. - Yeah.

You know, we really should have watched

more episodes of "The Fugitive."

[instrumental music]

[inaudible]

[clangs]

[inaudible]

[music continues]

[dramatic music]

[dogs whimpering]

So, uh...what are you guys in for?

Okay, be that way.

Just tell me one thing.

That, uh, that sign over there..

Does neutered mean what I think it does?

[dogs barking]

I guess it does.

Look, uh, anybody have a coat hanger?

I'll show you how to get out of this dump.

- 'Here you go, boy.' - Ixnay on the angerhay.

I think the screw's coming.

Oh, my gosh, he's got a horse.

Okay, who wants a roommate, huh?

Mm-mm-mm.

[gulps]

There's an empty one.

- There you go. - Oh.

Whew!

[dogs barking]

What are you doing without your jockey?

Just kidding, just kidding.

Gee. This whole planet's uptight.

Come on, guys. Let's loosen up.

¶ On Wisconsin On Wisconsin ¶

Jump in when you're ready. Let's go. Come on.

¶ On Wisconsin On Wisconsin ¶

¶ Plunge on through that line ¶¶

Hey, hey, hey. Hold it down in here!

There you go.

- Lucky? - Huh?

[grunting]

Psst, hey. Hey, Trigger.

Shh! Act cool. Listen.

You seem like a sweetheart.

I'm gonna let you break out of here

with me tonight.

Yeah. Here's the plan.

We wait until it gets dark

then me, you, and that cat over there

are gonna make a run for it. Alright?

Look, all you have to do

is gnaw through this wire mesh.

Got that?

Good. Ixnay, ixnay. Okay.

Well, there they are. Take your pick.

It smells terrible in here.

Oh, you get used to it.

Some of us wouldn't want to.

Come on, Heidi, pick a nice cat

and then we'll go.

I can't be rushed.

Well, what kind of cat is that?

Oh, I-I don't know.

I don't know too much about these things.

- I only work here part-time. - Mm-hmm.

I'm-I'm an actor.

My dad's a producer

and he says all actors are idiots.

[laughing]

Well, he's right.

Alright, very nice to meet you, sir.

- Yeah. - What is that monstrosity?

(Keith) Uh..

...that's a dog.

I think.

Well, gas it. No one's gonna want it.

[growling]

May I show you something in a tabby?

Now, this cat and I were in a commercial together once.

His face, my voice. Maybe you saw it.

"Oh, boy. Salmon Chips.

They are purr-fect."

I don't think so.

I don't like any of these cats.

I want one that costs a lot of money.

Come on, Heidi, I'm sure you can find something.

Oh, alright.

I guess that cat there doesn't look too gross.

Ah, good. Nice choice. Nice choice.

Just came in a little while ago.

Okay...there you go.

- What are you gonna name him? - What's your name?

- Keith. - Not Keith.

- Let's go, dad. - Thanks very much.

Oh, you're welcome. Oh, listen.

Listen, I'm appearing in a small workshop production

of "Extremities" this weekend.

Uh, if you're in the neighborhood

I'm the one in the fireplace.

Looks like it's now or never.

[clattering]

Uh, hey! Hey, hey!

Hey! Hold it down!

I'm auditioning here.

[clattering]

Did you hear what I said?

Be quiet, you're scaring Damian.

Alright, alright, that's it!

[clattering continues]

Oh! Oh!

[upbeat music]

Dad, that dog took my cat!

Stop him!

[keys jingling]

They're here, Lucky.

I just can't wait to see their faces

when they see you.

[door opens]

[Kate sighs]

- ALF, you're back! - Thank goodness.

We've been looking all over for you.

Uh, before you say another word

may I present to you "Exhibit B?"

Well, I guess this case is closed.

It's a cat.

It's not just any cat, it's Lucky!

How soon they forget.

Uh, ALF, uh, I-I think you've made a mistake.

- ALF. - Lucky?

Yeah, it's Lucky.

You know, it's a, it's a funny thing

he was in Mrs. Ochmonek's basement the whole time.

Well, don't we feel foolish.

Now we have two cats.

No problem.

You're getting sleepy.

- ALF! - Just kidding!

[tapping]

There you go, Luckheimer.

Ooh, yeah.

[laughs] Who'd ever thought we'd see the day

when they'd trust me to feed you, huh?

[laughs] Yeah.

Right now, I'm in the catbird seat

so to speak.

Right now, I can get away with murder..

...so to speak.

Right now, I could walk over

to that refrigerator over there

grab a couple of slices of whole-wheat bread

a little mayo, and slap together a B-L-T.

Bacon, Lucky, and Tomato.

[ALF laughing]

Yeah. Yeah. I could do that.

And they wouldn't even have the nerve

to point their finger at the old ALFer.

No, they'd probably blame Willie

before they'd blame me.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I could do that.

But I won't.

And why is that?

Because they trust me.

[clicks tongue]

But don't get too comfortable.

¶ Just take those old records off the shelf ¶

¶ I sit and listen to 'em by myself ¶

¶ Today's music ain't got the same soul ¶

¶ I like that old time rock and roll ¶

¶ Don't try to take me to a disco ¶

¶ You'll never even get me out on the floor ¶

¶ In ten minutes I'll be late for the door ¶

¶ I like that old time rock and.. ¶¶