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1
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:48,366
(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)
2
00:00:48,367 --> 00:00:51,133
(CLOCK TICKING)
3
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:54,166
(MOANING)
4
00:00:54,167 --> 00:00:59,434
All right, so here's how you can tell, in
order of weirdness, that this is a dream.
5
00:00:59,435 --> 00:01:02,966
First off, I'm having sex.
6
00:01:02,967 --> 00:01:06,734
Second, I'm on a heart-shaped
bed with red rubber sheets.
7
00:01:06,735 --> 00:01:09,100
Nice. Are those beakers?
8
00:01:09,101 --> 00:01:12,999
Yep, I'm in my chemistry class.
That's third.
9
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,799
And this woman is just perfect.
I mean, look at her.
10
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:21,166
Those eyes... those lips...
11
00:01:21,167 --> 00:01:23,700
Those three tits.
12
00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:28,631
I would tell you the fifth, but
this is about the time where I...
13
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:38,166
♪ I'm bit part player in
the story of my life ♪
14
00:01:38,167 --> 00:01:44,667
♪ And I can't wake up, but I
just won't sleep at night ♪
15
00:01:44,668 --> 00:01:48,166
♪ But maybe I'm alive
and maybe I'm dead ♪
16
00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:51,400
♪ The things you say
went around my head ♪
17
00:01:51,401 --> 00:01:56,832
♪ Empty words that sound
like shit to me ♪
18
00:01:56,833 --> 00:01:59,534
♪ Turn around, round, round,
round, round, round ♪
19
00:01:59,535 --> 00:02:02,400
♪ Turn it around ♪
20
00:02:02,401 --> 00:02:06,465
♪ Turn around, round, round,
round, round, round ♪
21
00:02:09,832 --> 00:02:14,665
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
22
00:02:24,433 --> 00:02:27,166
(SLURPING)
23
00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:31,166
It's okay. She's in the
laundry room. Sit down.
24
00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:33,632
I should probably be
going to school, so...
25
00:02:33,633 --> 00:02:36,567
We both know how important
today's interview is.
26
00:02:36,568 --> 00:02:39,666
Dad, I really don't
need another pep talk.
27
00:02:39,667 --> 00:02:44,100
When you were benched in little league
and your team played with eight players,
28
00:02:44,101 --> 00:02:49,033
I said nothing. When you were
bullied by Sally Levinson...
29
00:02:49,034 --> 00:02:50,400
I said nothing.
30
00:02:50,401 --> 00:02:53,601
When you lost the class
presidency to a raccoon...
31
00:02:53,602 --> 00:02:56,199
He was the school mascot.
32
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,965
...I said nothing.
33
00:02:57,966 --> 00:03:02,467
But this is too important to me to
just sit idly by and say nothing.
34
00:03:02,468 --> 00:03:03,433
(TAPS CHAIR)
35
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:07,531
- So, come on. Please.
- Okay. Fine.
36
00:03:09,133 --> 00:03:12,732
I want you to wear
this during the interview.
37
00:03:12,733 --> 00:03:16,467
This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.
38
00:03:16,468 --> 00:03:20,700
But... I don't row crew.
39
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,766
Oh, God. This smells like crotch.
40
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:28,300
That's the smell of a champion.
41
00:03:28,301 --> 00:03:31,632
Today you have a huge opportunity.
42
00:03:31,633 --> 00:03:34,566
Today you'll make me proud.
43
00:03:34,567 --> 00:03:35,500
(GROANS)
44
00:03:35,501 --> 00:03:41,133
It would save me time if I would just
put down newspaper on his... bed.
45
00:03:41,134 --> 00:03:46,431
(COLD WAR KIDS' "MIRACLE MILE" PLAYS)
46
00:03:47,666 --> 00:03:51,400
♪ I was supposed to do great things ♪
47
00:03:51,401 --> 00:03:54,300
♪ I know the road was long ♪
48
00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:58,066
♪ But I wasn't raised to
shoot for fame ♪
49
00:03:58,067 --> 00:04:00,932
♪ I had the safety on ♪
50
00:04:00,933 --> 00:04:07,666
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
51
00:04:07,667 --> 00:04:08,500
(HORN HONKS)
52
00:04:08,501 --> 00:04:11,666
♪ I cut my ties, I sold my rings ♪
53
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:14,366
♪ I wanted none of this ♪
54
00:04:14,367 --> 00:04:18,066
♪ If you start from scratch,
you have to sing ♪
55
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:19,700
♪ Just for the fun of it ♪
56
00:04:19,701 --> 00:04:20,500
Cute dress!
57
00:04:20,501 --> 00:04:22,033
Hello, Lisa.
58
00:04:22,034 --> 00:04:24,398
Why is he near us?
59
00:04:27,366 --> 00:04:28,600
Have a good day at school.
60
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:31,466
Rob! Yo, Rob!
61
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:33,799
Ah!
62
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,765
Oh.
63
00:04:39,899 --> 00:04:42,366
- Hey, are you okay?
- Shh.
64
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:45,367
So, I'm about to blow my
load when Lisa says, "wait."
65
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:49,466
She then stands up, gets
dressed, turns to me and says,
66
00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:51,766
"Okay. Come now."
67
00:04:51,767 --> 00:04:54,966
And boom. I came.
68
00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:57,065
- Huh.
- How does a high school chick
69
00:04:57,066 --> 00:04:58,432
learn mind control like that?
70
00:04:58,433 --> 00:05:02,032
Maybe some sort of magnet school
for the sexually advanced?
71
00:05:02,033 --> 00:05:06,401
You're gonna love sex. It's like jerking
off with the best sock on the planet.
72
00:05:06,402 --> 00:05:08,266
- Wait.
- What?
73
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:10,467
Why are you dressed
like Ellen Degeneres?
74
00:05:10,468 --> 00:05:13,033
I have my interview today.
75
00:05:13,034 --> 00:05:14,631
I'm not dressed like Ellen.
76
00:05:14,632 --> 00:05:16,533
So, what are you gonna
do if you don't get in?
77
00:05:16,534 --> 00:05:18,632
Hey. No. Shut up, okay?
78
00:05:18,633 --> 00:05:21,564
I have to get in. Don't jinx me.
79
00:05:21,565 --> 00:05:24,331
So I'll kill a chicken. Relax.
80
00:05:28,699 --> 00:05:30,831
Hey, man. You want to
come over tonight?
81
00:05:30,832 --> 00:05:33,165
I'm playing "grand theft auto" online
with that kid from the Balkans.
82
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,399
You know, he sent me this
fucked-up YouTube clip.
83
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:39,931
Some MMA guy got punched in the nuts
so hard he shit himself and came.
84
00:05:39,932 --> 00:05:42,432
Wow, uh, as much as I'd love
to see that, Gabrielle and I are
85
00:05:42,433 --> 00:05:45,498
- watching the spelling bee tonight.
- Hi, guys.
86
00:05:45,499 --> 00:05:47,165
- The dork super bowl?
- No, dude, it's, like,
87
00:05:47,166 --> 00:05:50,399
trembling kids, terrified of
disappointing their watching parents.
88
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,665
I mean, it's like watching televised
child abuse. It's fucking awesome.
89
00:05:53,666 --> 00:05:55,365
They don't get punched,
but they do shit themselves.
90
00:05:55,366 --> 00:05:58,000
- Huh.
- And a good morning to you both.
91
00:05:58,001 --> 00:05:59,565
- Hey, Gabs.
- Thanks.
92
00:05:59,566 --> 00:06:01,632
- Arthur.
- What time you flying out, Artie?
93
00:06:01,633 --> 00:06:05,965
Funny, Stanley. Too bad the special
Olympics doesn't have a comedy competition.
94
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:09,100
So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today.
95
00:06:09,101 --> 00:06:11,300
Uh, yeah. I'm a little nervous.
96
00:06:11,301 --> 00:06:15,516
Want me to put in a good word? They've been
on my jock about going there full ride...
97
00:06:15,518 --> 00:06:19,034
- since I was in middle school.
- Really? Since middle school?
98
00:06:19,035 --> 00:06:21,999
It's a lot of pressure
for a 7-year-old.
99
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,365
- Good morning.
- Morning, Mr. Hughes.
100
00:06:24,366 --> 00:06:26,566
Arthur, I thought you were
going to be here early.
101
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:28,867
Excuse me for a second.
102
00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:32,053
Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes.
I have your lesson plan,
103
00:06:32,055 --> 00:06:35,166
but what I don't have is my money.
104
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:37,966
- It's in my classroom.
- Then let's go.
105
00:06:37,967 --> 00:06:39,967
I'm sorry, guys.
I have to handle this.
106
00:06:39,968 --> 00:06:43,865
And, Rob, feel free to drop
my name in the interview.
107
00:06:45,432 --> 00:06:48,398
I can't believe your pre-pub
neighbor sells homework to teachers.
108
00:06:48,399 --> 00:06:49,865
Yeah, and how is he so confident?
109
00:06:49,866 --> 00:06:52,665
He has one eyebrow and it's thicker
than Sam Elliott's mustache.
110
00:06:52,666 --> 00:06:53,733
Aw, he can't help the eyebrow.
111
00:06:53,735 --> 00:06:55,699
- He's Armenian.
- Yeah, poor kid.
112
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:58,466
Poor kid? No, you should mow
that thing. It's embarrassing.
113
00:06:58,467 --> 00:07:02,499
Says the guy who has been
not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.
114
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,464
It's an athletic supporter.
It rides up sometimes.
115
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:07,398
In his defense, Gabrielle,
a little discomfort is far better
116
00:07:07,399 --> 00:07:09,865
than getting kicked in he balls
every day for a semester.
117
00:07:09,866 --> 00:07:13,198
That happened in the 9th grade.
It hasn't happened since.
118
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:17,733
It's not something one just forgets,
Gabrielle. The 9th grade was my ballocaust.
119
00:07:17,734 --> 00:07:19,865
Never again.
120
00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:25,965
- I got beer for tonight. You excited?
- Oh, sweet. How?
121
00:07:25,966 --> 00:07:28,032
Just threw it in the
cart at the shop 'n save.
122
00:07:28,033 --> 00:07:30,672
My mom thought my dad put it in
and my dad thought he put it in,
123
00:07:30,674 --> 00:07:32,666
so it worked out perfectly.
124
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:35,798
Hey, so, it is your last chance
to change your bet,
125
00:07:35,799 --> 00:07:38,531
unless you really think that
Mona Panchal will take it all.
126
00:07:38,532 --> 00:07:40,265
- Um, some stats...
- All right.
127
00:07:40,266 --> 00:07:45,398
She is a 13-year-old up-and-comer from
Kansas via Mumbai with a nervous twitch.
128
00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:48,631
She placed 12th two years ago,
5th last year. This is her year.
129
00:07:48,632 --> 00:07:51,464
Also, it is too late to change your bets
because the first round has started.
130
00:07:51,465 --> 00:07:55,331
I'm just really excited for Pongsaklek
Wonjongkam to eat Mona for L-U-N-C-H.
131
00:07:55,332 --> 00:07:57,498
Right. Is Pongsaklek a boy or a girl?
132
00:07:57,499 --> 00:07:58,834
- Yeah, I have no idea.
- Exactly.
133
00:07:58,835 --> 00:08:03,199
But if it can spell its own
name, it can spell anything.
134
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,928
So, I was thinking we
could drink every time
135
00:08:04,930 --> 00:08:07,600
somebody asks for
alternate pronunciations.
136
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:11,110
Or... or every time someone asks
for alternate pronunciations,
137
00:08:11,112 --> 00:08:14,867
- we could cut ourselves.
- Yeah, sure.
138
00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:19,600
Yo, Rob! Y...
139
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,532
Hey! Are you kidding me?
140
00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:26,100
You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.
141
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:29,133
Set me.
142
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,399
No!
143
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,966
Ooh! Damn.
144
00:08:31,967 --> 00:08:34,633
(LAUGHS)
145
00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:36,766
(SNIFFS)
146
00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:40,532
It's piss. Those
assholes pissed on me.
147
00:08:41,533 --> 00:08:44,432
Okay. Well, that'll
dry by the interview.
148
00:08:44,433 --> 00:08:48,464
- Yeah, but he smells like a urinal cake.
- I do. I do smell like a urinal cake.
149
00:08:48,465 --> 00:08:51,865
Okay, guys, I have my test
next period. I got to go. Um...
150
00:08:51,866 --> 00:08:53,965
Stanley, go to the lost and found,
get Rob a new pair of pants.
151
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:56,500
I won't let you down, buddy.
Watch out! Pants emergency!
152
00:08:56,501 --> 00:08:59,899
Stay calm. All right?
Take a deep breath.
153
00:08:59,900 --> 00:09:02,134
Keep the recruiter's face
away from your junk.
154
00:09:02,135 --> 00:09:03,066
(LAUGHS)
155
00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:06,499
- And it's gonna be great. Okay?
- Thanks, Gabs.
156
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,134
- Just text me with bee updates, okay?
- I will.
157
00:09:09,135 --> 00:09:10,999
(CHUCKLES)
158
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,198
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
159
00:09:16,399 --> 00:09:20,464
Okay, these aren't ideal, but they
didn't have a lot to choose from.
160
00:09:23,565 --> 00:09:26,765
- Are these even men's pants?
- Try 'em on. Maybe you'll look fabulous.
161
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:28,065
I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
162
00:09:28,066 --> 00:09:30,633
Hey, you know I have a
test next period, right?
163
00:09:30,634 --> 00:09:35,365
Shh. Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?
164
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:39,032
Hey, Artie. Can you help this
student, please? Rob's falling apart.
165
00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:40,860
I know you have a learning
disability, Stanley,
166
00:09:40,862 --> 00:09:44,398
but can you grasp the fact that
I'm already working with someone?
167
00:09:44,399 --> 00:09:46,965
How many people know about your
arrangement with Mr. Hughes?
168
00:09:46,966 --> 00:09:48,464
And I'm presuming there are others.
169
00:09:48,542 --> 00:09:49,898
You slow Goat.
170
00:09:49,899 --> 00:09:54,433
Don't shout that witch language
at me! I'll burn you at the stake.
171
00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:57,331
Move. Go.
172
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:04,433
I know what would help.
Okay, take a deep breath.
173
00:10:04,434 --> 00:10:06,279
- Okay. I am.
- Good.
174
00:10:06,281 --> 00:10:11,432
Now go to the bathroom, hit a
stall, and rub one out to that.
175
00:10:11,433 --> 00:10:15,831
It's a scientific fact that your blood
pressure drops after you orgasm.
176
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:18,967
It's like your balls are shooting
yoga through your veins.
177
00:10:18,968 --> 00:10:22,440
Oh, no. Is she coming
over here? Yep. She is.
178
00:10:22,442 --> 00:10:25,666
Shit. Please stop talking now.
179
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,265
Hi, Rob.
180
00:10:27,266 --> 00:10:30,066
Hey, Angela.
181
00:10:30,067 --> 00:10:31,299
Um, good morning.
182
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:34,333
Excuse me, Angela. I have
to update my Wikipedia page.
183
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,666
Okay.
184
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:39,056
So, Rob, um, I know our tutoring session
isn't supposed to be until Thursday,
185
00:10:39,058 --> 00:10:43,865
but I was kind of hoping we could
schedule, like, an emergency session.
186
00:10:43,866 --> 00:10:47,831
Miss Marconi moved the test up. She's
getting a mammogram tomorrow, so...
187
00:10:47,832 --> 00:10:51,731
- Did you say mammogram?
- Yeah, how'd you make it sound so hot?
188
00:10:51,732 --> 00:10:54,700
I was thinking that we could
study tonight at my house.
189
00:10:54,701 --> 00:10:58,766
Tonight? Um, actually,
I don't think I can.
190
00:10:58,767 --> 00:11:01,134
- Oh, boo. Really?
- No. Not really.
191
00:11:01,135 --> 00:11:04,265
Well, yeah. Uh, it's just, um...
192
00:11:04,266 --> 00:11:06,800
I kind of have plans
I can't change, so...
193
00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:11,699
- Do you?
- Yes. I do, have plans.
194
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:14,797
Maybe, uh, you can study
with Arthur instead?
195
00:11:14,798 --> 00:11:16,600
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
196
00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:18,066
(SIGHS)
197
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:21,799
(LAUGHS)
198
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,799
Oh, you're serious?
That's okay. I'll just...
199
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,798
- I'll just fail it.
- No, Angela, don't worry.
200
00:11:28,799 --> 00:11:32,366
Rob will reassess his schedule and
get back to you A.S.A.F'ing.P.
201
00:11:32,367 --> 00:11:37,732
Thanks. By the way, Rob, that coat
makes you look so professorial.
202
00:11:37,733 --> 00:11:40,498
(CHUCKLES)
203
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:49,833
She wants to fuck you.
204
00:11:50,333 --> 00:11:52,700
Her nickname is "after school
special" for a reason.
205
00:11:52,701 --> 00:11:53,699
I know.
206
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:55,698
Freshman year, she cured
Mike Dolan's stutter.
207
00:11:55,699 --> 00:11:59,665
- Her pussy inspired The King's Speech.
- I just can't just bail on Gabs, you know?
208
00:11:59,666 --> 00:12:02,131
I mean, we watch the spelling
bee every year. It's our thing.
209
00:12:02,132 --> 00:12:04,998
You've been borderline stalking
Angela as long as we've been friends.
210
00:12:04,999 --> 00:12:08,164
- We've been friends since we were 5.
- Not exactly. You took time to grow on me.
211
00:12:08,165 --> 00:12:10,831
- I didn't consider you a friend until 6 1/2.
- Wait, seriously?
212
00:12:10,832 --> 00:12:12,431
Look, Angela has sex with grown men.
213
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:15,231
She hasn't slept with a high-school
student since elementary school.
214
00:12:15,232 --> 00:12:18,131
- She's making an exception for you.
- This is too much pressure for me today.
215
00:12:18,132 --> 00:12:20,831
Okay, well, let me ask you this. Has she
ever invited you over to her house before?
216
00:12:20,832 --> 00:12:24,360
No, and stop, okay? Please.
Because I am panicking,
217
00:12:24,362 --> 00:12:27,034
and I cannot shit these gym shorts.
218
00:12:28,833 --> 00:12:33,099
The poem tells of a talking raven's
mysterious visit to a distraught lover,
219
00:12:33,101 --> 00:12:36,932
tracing's the man's slow
fall into madness.
220
00:12:36,933 --> 00:12:40,800
I'll start reading and then we'll go
around the room counterclockwise.
221
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:46,733
Okay. As I recite the poem, look for the
repetition of the word "nevermore."
222
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:51,966
"Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary,
223
00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:55,831
over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore"...
224
00:12:55,832 --> 00:13:00,364
You know, I looked at last year's
yearbook, and her tits were not that big.
225
00:13:00,365 --> 00:13:03,166
There has definitely been
a cosmetic enhancement.
226
00:13:03,167 --> 00:13:06,265
- At least two of them.
- Definitely.
227
00:13:06,266 --> 00:13:10,099
When I die, I want to come back
as her top button, you know?
228
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:12,699
- Yeah.
- Or a guy who's fucking her.
229
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:15,999
- That'd be cool.
- That would be cool.
230
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,599
Dude, come on.
231
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,867
I have something to add.
232
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:23,932
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
233
00:13:25,133 --> 00:13:28,165
I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.
234
00:13:28,166 --> 00:13:30,265
Rob.
235
00:13:30,266 --> 00:13:32,064
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
236
00:13:39,232 --> 00:13:43,600
Is that supposed to be the Georgetown
mascot? 'Cause you know it's a bulldog.
237
00:13:43,601 --> 00:13:46,031
I can't draw bulldogs.
238
00:13:47,799 --> 00:13:51,433
..."the silken sad uncertain
rustling of each purple curtain
239
00:13:51,434 --> 00:13:55,767
filled me with fantastic
terrors never felt before."
240
00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:59,533
Didn't Stanley go to
the lost and found?
241
00:14:00,033 --> 00:14:03,599
- They only had Capri pants.
- Mm-hmm.
242
00:14:04,099 --> 00:14:06,133
- Are you my escort?
- At your service.
243
00:14:06,134 --> 00:14:08,298
(CHUCKLES)
244
00:14:09,032 --> 00:14:11,164
- Oh, I have bad news for you.
- What?
245
00:14:11,165 --> 00:14:14,260
Pongsaklek Wonjongkam,
who is a boy, by the way,
246
00:14:14,262 --> 00:14:17,400
misspelled "endoradiosonde" in
the second preliminary round.
247
00:14:17,401 --> 00:14:19,397
Are you serious?
248
00:14:19,432 --> 00:14:22,466
Shit. I did not see
either of those coming.
249
00:14:23,466 --> 00:14:25,032
(SIGHS)
250
00:14:25,033 --> 00:14:26,433
Well...
251
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:28,932
Here we are.
252
00:14:28,933 --> 00:14:31,700
- You're gonna nail it. I know it.
- You think?
253
00:14:31,701 --> 00:14:34,899
Yes. I mean, who can
resist those legs?
254
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,365
(CHUCKLES)
255
00:14:37,366 --> 00:14:39,664
(SIGHS)
256
00:14:45,666 --> 00:14:47,699
- Rob Crabbe?
- Yes.
257
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:52,832
Jack Roth, Georgetown admissions.
Good to meet you. Please take a seat.
258
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:58,065
Uh, before we begin, allow me
to apologize for the shorts.
259
00:14:58,066 --> 00:14:59,065
(CHUCKLES)
260
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:03,299
Some of my classmates thought
it might be amusing if uhh...
261
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:07,198
Bullies. What was their
weapon of choice?
262
00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:10,599
A piss-filled water gun. Direct hit.
263
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:14,031
- Say no more. I'll pretend they're pants.
- (CHUCKLES)
264
00:15:14,032 --> 00:15:15,953
Look, everything I've
read about you is great,
265
00:15:15,955 --> 00:15:21,264
so I'm really here just to put a face
with the name. Are those your notes?
266
00:15:23,265 --> 00:15:25,300
Give them to me.
267
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:29,332
You don't need notes.
268
00:15:29,932 --> 00:15:34,097
Just be yourself. And it's okay if
you don't know who that is yet.
269
00:15:34,098 --> 00:15:37,531
That's what college is for...
to figure out who you are.
270
00:15:37,532 --> 00:15:40,306
Right? Not what somebody
else wants you to be,
271
00:15:40,308 --> 00:15:42,951
but who you...
272
00:15:43,153 --> 00:15:47,233
really... are.
273
00:15:48,233 --> 00:15:51,633
Just answer the questions honestly.
You're gonna do fine, all right?
274
00:15:51,634 --> 00:15:53,265
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
275
00:15:53,266 --> 00:15:58,965
I see that your parents both
graduated from Georgetown.
276
00:15:58,966 --> 00:16:03,098
Yeah. Both my mom and dad.
They met there, actually.
277
00:16:03,099 --> 00:16:07,399
Uh, some kids grow up hearing
about Oz or Wonderland.
278
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:11,033
All my fairy tales took place in
the mythical land of Georgetown.
279
00:16:11,034 --> 00:16:13,965
(BOTH LAUGH)
280
00:16:13,966 --> 00:16:16,731
(CRYING)
281
00:16:21,399 --> 00:16:23,965
I'm sorry. (SNIFFLES)
282
00:16:24,965 --> 00:16:27,466
I met my wife...
283
00:16:27,966 --> 00:16:29,998
at Georgetown, too.
284
00:16:29,999 --> 00:16:30,931
(CHUCKLES)
285
00:16:30,932 --> 00:16:32,832
But then...
286
00:16:33,832 --> 00:16:36,231
(CRYING) Lupus.
287
00:16:40,599 --> 00:16:42,199
(SNIFFLES) I'm sorry.
288
00:16:42,899 --> 00:16:45,431
It feels like it happened yesterday.
It was 10 months ago.
289
00:16:45,432 --> 00:16:47,565
I'm just having a moment, okay?
(SNIFFLES)
290
00:16:47,566 --> 00:16:49,665
Yeah, no. Please, take your time.
291
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:51,799
No, no, no. Let's do this.
Let's do this.
292
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,965
(CLEARS THROAT)
293
00:16:53,966 --> 00:16:56,365
(SOBBING)
294
00:17:01,998 --> 00:17:06,398
You know who the biggest bully... is?
295
00:17:07,798 --> 00:17:09,265
Lupus?
296
00:17:09,266 --> 00:17:12,399
No! It's life!
297
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,264
Life is the biggest
bully of them all.
298
00:17:14,265 --> 00:17:18,133
They'll shoot you with a piss-filled
water pistol again and again and again.
299
00:17:18,134 --> 00:17:22,765
You got to just get up,
carry on. Smell like piss.
300
00:17:22,766 --> 00:17:23,798
(SNIFFLES)
301
00:17:23,799 --> 00:17:27,630
Life is the biggest fucking
bully of them all.
302
00:17:29,432 --> 00:17:32,265
I am sorry. (SNIFFLES)
303
00:17:32,266 --> 00:17:36,232
Whoa! Detour. (CHUCKLES)
304
00:17:36,233 --> 00:17:40,113
Oh, lookit here.
It says that you were, uh,
305
00:17:40,115 --> 00:17:45,031
part of the student-to-student
tutoring initiative.
306
00:17:48,599 --> 00:17:51,797
Mr. Roth?
307
00:17:52,232 --> 00:17:55,798
(VOICE BREAKING)
My wife was my tutor.
308
00:17:55,799 --> 00:17:58,099
That is how we met. (CRYING) Oh, God.
309
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:02,966
That's how we met.
And now she's gone.
310
00:18:03,466 --> 00:18:05,432
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
311
00:18:05,433 --> 00:18:07,232
Um...
312
00:18:07,233 --> 00:18:10,997
I have my dad's headband, so...
313
00:18:12,165 --> 00:18:15,365
Thank you. (SNIFFLES)
314
00:18:15,366 --> 00:18:17,131
Oh.
315
00:18:17,865 --> 00:18:19,699
(BLOWING NOSE)
316
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:21,397
(SNIFFLES)
317
00:18:25,132 --> 00:18:28,399
- How'd it go?
- He cried.
318
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:32,932
Somehow I reminded him of
the greatest loss of his life.
319
00:18:33,932 --> 00:18:36,864
- There goes Georgetown.
- It's not the end of the world.
320
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,697
It's just your dad talking.
There are other schools.
321
00:18:38,698 --> 00:18:41,398
Imagine for one second that
you had any goals whatsoever,
322
00:18:41,399 --> 00:18:45,531
- and then imagine if they didn't happen.
- This is exactly why I don't have goals.
323
00:18:45,532 --> 00:18:48,463
Look, you can still get into
Georgetown. And if you can't,
324
00:18:48,465 --> 00:18:52,198
focus on one thing you can
still get into... Angela.
325
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:55,065
You're insane. She doesn't want to...
326
00:18:55,066 --> 00:18:58,166
You could become a beautiful
non-virgin butterfly.
327
00:18:58,167 --> 00:19:01,597
Let Angela's crotch be your cocoon.
328
00:19:03,665 --> 00:19:07,532
- Hey. Angela.
- Rob. Nice shorts.
329
00:19:07,533 --> 00:19:11,599
Uh, thanks. Uh,
long story. But, um...
330
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:13,033
I can tutor you tonight.
331
00:19:13,034 --> 00:19:15,032
- Really?
- Yeah.
332
00:19:15,033 --> 00:19:18,204
- Oh, Rob you're such a life saver.
- Oh, I can help you out with your test,
333
00:19:18,206 --> 00:19:23,264
but Miss Marconi is on her
own with her... mammogram.
334
00:19:25,399 --> 00:19:27,832
Hey. I've been looking
all over for you.
335
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,466
Hey, how was your, uh...
336
00:19:31,466 --> 00:19:33,365
- Really?
- Uh, yeah.
337
00:19:33,366 --> 00:19:36,032
I, um... I pulled a Wonjongkam.
338
00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:39,133
- No. What happened.
- I'd rather not relive it.
339
00:19:39,134 --> 00:19:40,631
(CHUCKLES)
340
00:19:40,632 --> 00:19:43,065
Hey, so, listen, um...
341
00:19:43,066 --> 00:19:45,731
I don't think I can make it tonight.
342
00:19:45,732 --> 00:19:47,930
I, uh, I'm just not feeling up to it.
343
00:19:47,931 --> 00:19:51,766
- You sure? Might cheer you up.
- Yeah, you know, another time.
344
00:19:52,766 --> 00:19:54,664
Um...
345
00:19:54,665 --> 00:19:58,331
- It's just my future's in doubt.
- Yeah. Yeah, no, that's okay.
346
00:20:03,165 --> 00:20:06,864
- I don't know why you feel so bad.
- Because I just lied to Gabs.
347
00:20:06,865 --> 00:20:09,531
- I feel awful.
- Good. We can use that.
348
00:20:09,532 --> 00:20:11,431
- What?
- Well, guilt is a blessing.
349
00:20:11,432 --> 00:20:13,064
It'll make you last longer.
350
00:20:13,065 --> 00:20:15,398
You can only go four minutes
when it's just you and the tissues.
351
00:20:15,399 --> 00:20:18,033
Yeah, and I'm feeling
plenty of guilt then, too.
352
00:20:18,034 --> 00:20:20,566
Well, we'll need something stronger.
353
00:20:20,966 --> 00:20:23,464
Remember when I accidentally
exposed my baldy?
354
00:20:23,465 --> 00:20:26,531
Ugh. Yeah. It looked
like my grandpa's elbow.
355
00:20:26,532 --> 00:20:29,699
Yeah, use that. That'll ruin
things for a little while.
356
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:31,597
That's good.
357
00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:37,665
You know what you should do?
Buy the magnums, too.
358
00:20:37,666 --> 00:20:42,231
Then use the regular-sized condom,
but leave behind the Magnum wrapper.
359
00:20:42,232 --> 00:20:46,766
What's that gonna do? Besides make
her feel like she has a giant vagina.
360
00:20:47,366 --> 00:20:51,397
Um, I'll have the trojan
ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please.
361
00:20:54,499 --> 00:20:56,399
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)
362
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,965
♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh ♪
363
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:01,598
♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh ♪
364
00:21:01,599 --> 00:21:05,665
♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh ♪
365
00:21:05,666 --> 00:21:08,399
♪ I love you ♪
366
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,365
♪ You do, too ♪
367
00:21:10,366 --> 00:21:11,665
Oh!
368
00:21:11,666 --> 00:21:12,666
(TIRES SCREECH)
369
00:21:12,667 --> 00:21:15,797
(COUGHS, GROANS)
370
00:21:17,931 --> 00:21:20,132
(TIRES SQUEAL)
371
00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:23,066
I'm fine, you asshole!
372
00:21:24,066 --> 00:21:26,831
♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh ♪
373
00:21:26,832 --> 00:21:29,365
♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh ♪
374
00:21:29,366 --> 00:21:33,432
♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh ♪
375
00:21:33,433 --> 00:21:36,065
♪ I love you ♪
376
00:21:36,066 --> 00:21:38,598
♪ You do, too ♪
377
00:21:38,599 --> 00:21:41,631
♪ You love you ♪
378
00:21:41,632 --> 00:21:43,366
Pussy?
379
00:21:44,066 --> 00:21:47,900
- Excuse me?
- Are you here for pussy?
380
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,731
I'm Angela's tutor. Is she home?
381
00:21:51,732 --> 00:21:54,265
I don't know.
382
00:21:54,965 --> 00:21:58,397
- Mind if I check?
- Do as you wish.
383
00:22:00,931 --> 00:22:02,865
- Hey.
- Hey.
384
00:22:02,866 --> 00:22:07,765
- Uzi, you know you can smoke inside.
- Uh, no thank you.
385
00:22:07,766 --> 00:22:11,599
Uzi's from Israel. He's staying with us
for the rest of the school year, so...
386
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:12,531
Cool.
387
00:22:12,532 --> 00:22:18,197
When it's this quiet back home...
a café explodes.
388
00:22:21,165 --> 00:22:23,530
- Come on in.
- Okay. (CHUCKLES)
389
00:22:26,399 --> 00:22:29,097
Ka-boom.
390
00:22:35,065 --> 00:22:39,098
Uh... so... quadratic equations.
391
00:22:39,099 --> 00:22:42,766
Believe me, it is a lot more
exciting than it sounds.
392
00:22:42,767 --> 00:22:46,332
What are you doing? Sit on the bed.
393
00:22:46,333 --> 00:22:51,032
Oh, yeah. Uh, right. Of course.
394
00:22:51,732 --> 00:22:54,030
(CHUCKLES)
395
00:22:54,198 --> 00:22:56,697
So, would you like some wine?
It's white zinfandel.
396
00:22:56,698 --> 00:22:59,732
It's my mom's favorite.
It's absolutely delish.
397
00:22:59,733 --> 00:23:03,631
No, thanks. Math pairs
better with a robust red.
398
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,698
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
399
00:23:05,699 --> 00:23:06,998
Is your mom home?
400
00:23:06,999 --> 00:23:10,865
No, she works at night.
It's just me and Uzi.
401
00:23:10,866 --> 00:23:13,563
(CHUCKLES)
402
00:23:13,564 --> 00:23:15,666
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
403
00:23:15,667 --> 00:23:18,897
Don't worry about it. (CHUCKLES)
404
00:23:22,798 --> 00:23:28,799
So, uh... what... what exactly
is your test on tomorrow?
405
00:23:30,099 --> 00:23:31,697
Can I confess something to you?
406
00:23:31,698 --> 00:23:33,766
You don't have a dead
wife or anything, do you?
407
00:23:33,767 --> 00:23:38,332
- 'Cause I can't take that again today.
- (CHUCKLES) No.
408
00:23:38,632 --> 00:23:41,299
I don't really have a test tomorrow.
409
00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:43,731
- You don't?
- No.
410
00:23:43,732 --> 00:23:48,730
- I just really like studying with you.
- I really like studying with you, too.
411
00:23:48,731 --> 00:23:50,932
- Your grades are really improving.
- Yeah.
412
00:23:50,935 --> 00:23:54,265
The studying sessions are, like,
the highlight of my week.
413
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:57,631
- They are?
- Yeah.
414
00:23:57,632 --> 00:24:01,532
When I'm with you, I don't know.
You don't treat me like everyone else.
415
00:24:01,533 --> 00:24:05,066
I just feel... I don't know. Safe.
416
00:24:06,066 --> 00:24:11,030
I was captain of the safety
patrol team in 8th grade.
417
00:24:19,531 --> 00:24:21,899
Wait. Maybe we should...
418
00:24:22,899 --> 00:24:25,965
Oh, that... that is nice.
419
00:24:25,966 --> 00:24:29,697
(MOANS)
420
00:24:31,831 --> 00:24:35,830
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
421
00:24:40,931 --> 00:24:42,397
What the f...
422
00:24:44,998 --> 00:24:48,666
(SLURPING)
423
00:24:49,666 --> 00:24:53,498
It's okay. She's in the
laundry room. Sit down.
424
00:24:53,499 --> 00:24:55,364
(SIGHS)
425
00:24:55,365 --> 00:24:58,897
We both know how important
today's interview is.
426
00:25:01,398 --> 00:25:02,731
Rob?
427
00:25:02,732 --> 00:25:05,931
The interview is today?
428
00:25:05,932 --> 00:25:08,765
Don't "f" with me, Robert.
429
00:25:09,465 --> 00:25:13,358
When you were benched in little league
and your team played with eight players,
430
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:18,698
I said nothing. When you were bullied
by Sally Levinson, I said nothing.
431
00:25:18,699 --> 00:25:23,931
When you lost the class presidency
to a raccoon, huh, I said nothing.
432
00:25:23,932 --> 00:25:29,097
But this interview is far too important
for me to sit idly by and say nothing.
433
00:25:32,464 --> 00:25:34,832
I want you to wear this
during the interview.
434
00:25:34,833 --> 00:25:35,831
The headband.
435
00:25:35,832 --> 00:25:40,430
This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.
436
00:25:44,232 --> 00:25:47,398
Today's the day you make me proud.
437
00:25:47,399 --> 00:25:49,357
(GROANS) It would save me time...
438
00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:54,765
if I would just put down
newspaper on his... bed.
439
00:25:55,765 --> 00:25:58,430
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
440
00:26:00,598 --> 00:26:05,297
Rob! Yo, Rob! Ah!
441
00:26:11,798 --> 00:26:15,330
So, I'm about to blow my
load when she says, "wait."
442
00:26:15,331 --> 00:26:18,365
She then stands up,
gets dressed, and leaves.
443
00:26:18,366 --> 00:26:23,631
Before she goes, she turns to
me and says, "okay. Come now."
444
00:26:23,632 --> 00:26:26,797
And boom. I came.
445
00:26:32,464 --> 00:26:35,230
What the fuck are you doing?
446
00:26:41,331 --> 00:26:44,133
Why are you dressed
like Ellen Degeneres?
447
00:26:45,133 --> 00:26:47,764
(GROANS)
448
00:26:50,032 --> 00:26:52,530
No, he sent me this
fucked-up YouTube clip.
449
00:26:52,531 --> 00:26:56,630
Some MMA guy got punched in the nuts
so hard he shit himself and came.
450
00:26:56,631 --> 00:26:58,899
Hey, you pissed at me or something?
451
00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:02,498
What? No. I'm just...
really out of it.
452
00:27:02,499 --> 00:27:06,099
I don't think I slept so good.
I was having a crazy dream.
453
00:27:06,100 --> 00:27:10,665
- And a good morning to you both.
- Hey, Gabs. Arthur.
454
00:27:10,666 --> 00:27:12,463
- What time are you flying out, Artie?
- Funny, Stanley.
455
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:15,964
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.
456
00:27:15,965 --> 00:27:19,999
So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today?
457
00:27:22,699 --> 00:27:25,697
Does anyone know the
warning signs of a stroke?
458
00:27:25,698 --> 00:27:27,864
- Good morning.
- Hi, Mr. Hughes.
459
00:27:27,865 --> 00:27:30,265
Arthur, I thought you
were gonna be here early.
460
00:27:30,266 --> 00:27:32,430
Excuse me for a second.
461
00:27:34,331 --> 00:27:37,397
- You know, I kind of feel bad for him.
- Why?
462
00:27:37,398 --> 00:27:39,332
Probably because he has one eyebrow.
463
00:27:39,334 --> 00:27:41,931
- And it's thicker than...
- BOTH: Sam Elliott's mustache.
464
00:27:41,932 --> 00:27:46,522
So, I was thinking every time they
ask for alternate pronunciations,
465
00:27:46,524 --> 00:27:48,865
- we could drink.
- Rob! Yo, Rob!
466
00:27:53,365 --> 00:27:55,731
Hey! Are you kidding me?
467
00:27:55,732 --> 00:27:58,099
You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.
468
00:27:58,100 --> 00:28:00,065
- Set me.
- Oh!
469
00:28:00,066 --> 00:28:02,966
- Ooh! Damn!
- (LAUGHS)
470
00:28:03,966 --> 00:28:05,965
It's piss.
471
00:28:05,966 --> 00:28:09,664
Okay, um... well, that'll dry
by the interview, right?
472
00:28:09,665 --> 00:28:11,463
Yeah, but he smells
like a urinal cake.
473
00:28:11,464 --> 00:28:14,630
I have my test next period,
so I got to go. Um...
474
00:28:14,631 --> 00:28:16,764
- Stanley, go to the lost and found...
- No, it's fine.
475
00:28:16,765 --> 00:28:19,198
I'll just wear the
shorts in my gym locker.
476
00:28:19,199 --> 00:28:21,499
Really? You sure?
477
00:28:21,999 --> 00:28:27,297
- Stay calm. Take a deep breath.
- No, seriously. I'm good.
478
00:28:33,931 --> 00:28:35,564
This was the dream.
479
00:28:35,565 --> 00:28:38,097
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
480
00:28:38,098 --> 00:28:40,831
- You dreamed about today?
- Yeah.
481
00:28:40,832 --> 00:28:44,865
Lisa's telling you to come.
The piss gun.
482
00:28:45,365 --> 00:28:49,498
And Angela Yearwood wants
to have sex with me.
483
00:28:49,499 --> 00:28:53,166
- Bullshit.
- Hey. I have a test next period.
484
00:28:53,666 --> 00:28:55,830
Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?
485
00:28:55,831 --> 00:28:59,724
Hi, Rob. So, I know our tutoring session
wasn't supposed to be until Thursday,
486
00:28:59,726 --> 00:29:03,463
but I was kind of, like, hoping that we
could schedule an emergency session.
487
00:29:03,464 --> 00:29:07,432
Miss Marconi moved the test up.
She's getting a mammogram tomorrow.
488
00:29:07,433 --> 00:29:09,763
(CHUCKLES)
489
00:29:11,765 --> 00:29:15,130
Mammogram. (CHUCKLES)
490
00:29:15,831 --> 00:29:18,163
How could you even focus
on your interview right now?
491
00:29:18,164 --> 00:29:20,096
- In the dream, I bombed it.
- Who cares?
492
00:29:20,097 --> 00:29:23,065
Angela will make everything
in the world right again.
493
00:29:23,066 --> 00:29:25,165
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
494
00:29:26,165 --> 00:29:30,097
- I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.
- Rob.
495
00:29:30,098 --> 00:29:33,863
You know, I bombed
the Angela thing, too.
496
00:29:40,898 --> 00:29:43,499
- That's right.
- What?
497
00:29:43,899 --> 00:29:45,498
Nothing.
498
00:29:48,498 --> 00:29:51,698
- Are you ready?
- Do I look ready?
499
00:29:51,699 --> 00:29:55,698
- The outfit weirdly works for you.
- No, it doesn't.
500
00:29:55,699 --> 00:29:58,364
Nope. Not at all.
501
00:29:58,365 --> 00:29:59,799
Oh, I have bad news for you.
502
00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:04,231
Yeah, Pongsaklek Wonjongkam
misspelled "endoradiosonde."
503
00:30:04,232 --> 00:30:06,565
(VOICE BREAKING) My wife was
my tutor. That's how we met.
504
00:30:06,566 --> 00:30:09,865
(CRYING) Oh, God. Jesus. (SOBBING)
505
00:30:09,866 --> 00:30:12,097
She's gone.
506
00:30:14,364 --> 00:30:15,832
So?
507
00:30:17,832 --> 00:30:19,532
Don't shut me out!
508
00:30:20,532 --> 00:30:23,131
Hey, Rob! (CHUCKLES)
509
00:30:23,132 --> 00:30:24,830
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Why?
510
00:30:24,831 --> 00:30:28,564
I just thought you'd be more excited
to come over tonight. That's all.
511
00:30:28,565 --> 00:30:30,270
- You know, if you have other plans.
- You know what?
512
00:30:30,272 --> 00:30:34,998
- I can tutor you tonight, so...
- You're a life saver!
513
00:30:35,098 --> 00:30:37,596
(CHUCKLES)
514
00:30:42,097 --> 00:30:45,165
(TICKING)
515
00:30:46,165 --> 00:30:49,231
Um... help me? I'm sick.
516
00:30:49,232 --> 00:30:51,432
- What's wrong?
- I have no idea.
517
00:30:51,433 --> 00:30:55,162
I'm having déjà vu or,
like, a psychotic episode,
518
00:30:55,164 --> 00:30:58,632
and I really need your help
because I'm falling apart.
519
00:30:58,633 --> 00:31:01,899
Okay. Put this under your tongue.
520
00:31:02,399 --> 00:31:04,398
(TIMER DINGS)
521
00:31:04,399 --> 00:31:07,130
That's your timer, Neal.
522
00:31:11,364 --> 00:31:12,564
No fever, Neal.
523
00:31:12,565 --> 00:31:17,230
You're not sick, honey.
You can go back to class.
524
00:31:20,164 --> 00:31:22,197
(VOMITING)
525
00:31:22,431 --> 00:31:25,465
Yeah, you know what?
I'll just figure it out.
526
00:31:25,466 --> 00:31:26,931
Feel better, Neal.
527
00:31:27,931 --> 00:31:31,764
There's never a bad time to get
an SRD from Angela Yearwood.
528
00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:35,098
Even if she gave you a fatal one,
your doctor would still high-five you.
529
00:31:35,099 --> 00:31:37,197
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
530
00:31:37,198 --> 00:31:39,598
Shit. I never canceled with Gabs.
531
00:31:39,599 --> 00:31:44,297
Who cares? Angela's about to
deflower you. Please smile.
532
00:31:45,731 --> 00:31:50,598
Could I have the trojan
ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please?
533
00:31:50,599 --> 00:31:54,831
♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh ♪
534
00:31:54,832 --> 00:31:57,498
♪ I love you ♪
535
00:31:57,499 --> 00:31:58,897
♪ You do, too ♪
536
00:31:58,898 --> 00:32:00,499
Oh, shit. This is where... aah!
537
00:32:00,500 --> 00:32:04,164
(GROANS, COUGHS)
538
00:32:04,165 --> 00:32:06,232
Are you here for pussy?
539
00:32:06,832 --> 00:32:09,066
- Hey.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
540
00:32:11,666 --> 00:32:14,032
Can I confess something to you?
541
00:32:16,032 --> 00:32:19,763
- I don't really have a test tomorrow.
- I know.
542
00:32:27,498 --> 00:32:28,498
Oh, no.
543
00:32:28,499 --> 00:32:31,263
(MOANING)
544
00:32:36,864 --> 00:32:39,432
Just... throw the sheets in the la...
545
00:32:40,432 --> 00:32:42,465
Today's the day you make me proud.
546
00:32:42,466 --> 00:32:43,965
Rob! Ah!
547
00:32:44,965 --> 00:32:46,530
She's getting a mammogram tomorrow.
548
00:32:46,531 --> 00:32:48,032
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- Nevermore.
549
00:32:48,033 --> 00:32:51,596
- I have some more bad news for you.
- (CRYING)
550
00:32:56,665 --> 00:32:58,830
Not this time.
551
00:33:05,498 --> 00:33:06,897
(GROANS)
552
00:33:06,898 --> 00:33:07,698
Pussy?
553
00:33:07,699 --> 00:33:10,131
Can I confess something to you?
554
00:33:10,132 --> 00:33:12,297
(MOANING)
555
00:33:14,464 --> 00:33:18,365
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
556
00:33:20,365 --> 00:33:23,432
What the fuck is happening?!
557
00:33:24,032 --> 00:33:25,665
Is everything okay?
558
00:33:25,666 --> 00:33:27,864
(CHUCKLES) Yeah! Yeah.
559
00:33:27,865 --> 00:33:32,163
I'll just... I'll throw the sheets
in the laundry. (CHUCKLES)
560
00:33:37,797 --> 00:33:42,596
Do you want this to end? 'Cause I think
you're getting a pretty good deal here.
561
00:33:42,597 --> 00:33:45,599
We're having sex. The least you
can do is hold my hand in school.
562
00:33:45,699 --> 00:33:48,475
Look, the whole reason
that this works
563
00:33:48,477 --> 00:33:52,397
is because I get to practice for when
I meet the right guy in college, okay?
564
00:33:52,398 --> 00:33:56,765
'Cause as far as anyone who really
matters is concerned, you don't exist.
565
00:33:57,265 --> 00:33:57,997
(THUD)
566
00:33:57,998 --> 00:33:58,864
(GROANS)
567
00:33:58,865 --> 00:34:02,863
- The hell are you doing here?
- I have something I need to tell you.
568
00:34:02,864 --> 00:34:07,130
There is only one explanation.
Your virginity is driving you insane.
569
00:34:07,131 --> 00:34:09,929
It's like one of those videos we saw
in Ms. Depanorizzi's health class.
570
00:34:09,930 --> 00:34:13,165
You know, how little Timmy went berserk
because he masturbated too much.
571
00:34:13,166 --> 00:34:18,464
No, I know. It's just...
I swear this all feels too real.
572
00:34:18,465 --> 00:34:21,630
- Way too real.
- Sounds like a delusional disorder.
573
00:34:21,631 --> 00:34:26,430
Unlike hallucinations, your actual belief
in these events is clearly pathological.
574
00:34:26,431 --> 00:34:30,163
An antipsychotic will help reduce
your dopamine levels. You'll be fine.
575
00:34:32,398 --> 00:34:33,499
My dad's a psychiatrist.
576
00:34:33,500 --> 00:34:35,932
- I know what will help.
- What?
577
00:34:36,432 --> 00:34:37,996
- A threesome.
- With me?
578
00:34:37,997 --> 00:34:42,531
Yeah. With you. It's a win-win-win.
Look, you get some pre-college practice,
579
00:34:42,533 --> 00:34:45,707
Rob has sex and is no longer
driven mad by his virginal status,
580
00:34:45,709 --> 00:34:49,964
and I bust a nut before 8:00 in
the morning. What do you say?
581
00:34:49,965 --> 00:34:53,232
Yeah, but what actually
happens in a threesome?
582
00:34:53,632 --> 00:34:54,998
Does that mean that you and I...
583
00:34:54,999 --> 00:34:59,730
Mnh-mnh, Rob, you and I will not be
having sex. We'd be boning Lisa.
584
00:34:59,731 --> 00:35:01,796
- At the same time?
- It all depends.
585
00:35:01,797 --> 00:35:05,030
There are different methods.
You know, we could take turns...
586
00:35:05,031 --> 00:35:10,196
Okay. Do you really think that I would
have a threesome with the two of you?
587
00:35:10,197 --> 00:35:13,463
- Maybe.
- Okay, look. Threesomes are... special.
588
00:35:13,464 --> 00:35:17,696
They're specifically reserved for when
I find the man that I'm going to marry.
589
00:35:17,697 --> 00:35:19,998
And then a friend of
his choice, of course.
590
00:35:19,999 --> 00:35:23,865
You know, that's how
you make marriages work.
591
00:35:24,865 --> 00:35:28,064
Oh, and, Stanley, you can come now.
592
00:35:28,065 --> 00:35:30,198
(GASPS)
593
00:35:31,198 --> 00:35:32,631
You too, Rob.
594
00:35:32,632 --> 00:35:36,696
(BOTH GASPING)
595
00:35:39,697 --> 00:35:43,730
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
596
00:35:48,398 --> 00:35:50,864
He's a young man!
597
00:35:50,865 --> 00:35:53,331
Are you kidding me with this?!
598
00:35:53,332 --> 00:35:55,696
It's like he's regressing
right before our eyes!
599
00:35:55,697 --> 00:35:58,665
He has a big day, probably just
needed to relieve some tension.
600
00:35:58,666 --> 00:36:03,398
That was a lot of tension!
Our son is turning into this pervert!
601
00:36:03,399 --> 00:36:05,397
When I was that age,
I could fill a bucket.
602
00:36:05,398 --> 00:36:08,165
Yeah? Well, sweetie,
you can still fill a bucket.
603
00:36:08,166 --> 00:36:11,732
- It's just a little squirt.
- A little squirt?!
604
00:36:12,232 --> 00:36:15,398
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
605
00:36:15,399 --> 00:36:20,392
So, I went to Angela's house
one, two, three times,
606
00:36:20,394 --> 00:36:23,730
and then I went and
saw Stanley and Lisa.
607
00:36:23,731 --> 00:36:27,696
And then we almost had
a threesome. And then...
608
00:36:40,897 --> 00:36:44,463
- Is that a 48-inch...
- Sure is.
609
00:36:47,431 --> 00:36:50,363
I'm gonna do my own
laundry from now on.
610
00:37:00,097 --> 00:37:01,597
Hey!
611
00:37:01,598 --> 00:37:03,897
Hey! Gabs!
612
00:37:03,898 --> 00:37:07,297
Gabrielle, stop! Gabrielle!
613
00:37:09,864 --> 00:37:12,264
Rob? Are you okay? You look insane.
614
00:37:12,265 --> 00:37:14,729
- Did you see Gabrielle?
- Yeah. She went inside.
615
00:37:14,730 --> 00:37:16,896
Dude, I called your phone
like a thousand times.
616
00:37:16,897 --> 00:37:18,629
The most amazing thing
happened to me this morning.
617
00:37:18,630 --> 00:37:22,165
I know. Lisa's totally become
a master at jizzekinesis!
618
00:37:22,166 --> 00:37:24,196
Jizzekinesis!
619
00:37:26,064 --> 00:37:27,529
Gabs!
620
00:37:28,864 --> 00:37:31,231
Gabs! Hey! Gabs!
621
00:37:31,232 --> 00:37:33,132
That's what you're wearing
to your interview?
622
00:37:33,133 --> 00:37:35,198
Huh? Oh, no, no, no, no.
623
00:37:35,199 --> 00:37:37,263
Hey, um, I need to talk to you.
It's really important.
624
00:37:37,264 --> 00:37:38,998
- Sure. Are you okay?
- Not really.
625
00:37:38,999 --> 00:37:41,697
Let's go somewhere maybe and...
626
00:37:41,698 --> 00:37:43,031
(LAUGHTER)
627
00:37:43,032 --> 00:37:46,165
Oh, yeah! You think that's funny?!
You think that's funny?!
628
00:37:46,166 --> 00:37:47,465
Whoa!
629
00:37:52,964 --> 00:37:55,397
- That wasn't yours to touch.
- Rob, I think we should go now.
630
00:37:55,398 --> 00:37:57,896
Yeah, you should really
listen to your girlfriend.
631
00:37:57,897 --> 00:38:02,596
You guys are taller and you're better
looking, but that's not enough, is it?
632
00:38:02,597 --> 00:38:05,562
I mean, why do you pick on guys
like me? You know what I think?
633
00:38:05,563 --> 00:38:08,265
I think you're gay and you
don't know how to handle it,
634
00:38:08,267 --> 00:38:12,698
so you pick on me because,
inside, society picks on you.
635
00:38:13,198 --> 00:38:17,097
That's not cool. Tommy's gay.
636
00:38:17,098 --> 00:38:19,629
- Oh, you are?
- Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.
637
00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:21,397
The guys are super supportive.
638
00:38:21,398 --> 00:38:23,196
- Oh, that's so nice.
- Yeah.
639
00:38:23,197 --> 00:38:25,965
Yeah, I guess it would have been worse
if you guys played a real sport, right?
640
00:38:25,966 --> 00:38:27,765
(LAUGHS)
641
00:38:28,132 --> 00:38:29,730
That came out wrong.
642
00:38:29,731 --> 00:38:33,063
- Gabs, I got to go.
- Probably for the best.
643
00:38:33,264 --> 00:38:34,796
Get him!
644
00:38:37,797 --> 00:38:42,162
(SCREAMING)
645
00:38:42,530 --> 00:38:45,797
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
646
00:38:45,798 --> 00:38:46,731
Oh, Rob! Can you...
647
00:38:46,732 --> 00:38:48,496
No!
648
00:38:54,797 --> 00:38:57,563
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
649
00:39:03,264 --> 00:39:05,031
Where is he?
650
00:39:05,032 --> 00:39:07,131
Try that one.
651
00:39:08,631 --> 00:39:11,431
(SIGHS)
652
00:39:11,432 --> 00:39:14,097
Oh, shit! Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
653
00:39:14,098 --> 00:39:16,064
- Come on!
- Get it open!
654
00:39:16,065 --> 00:39:18,563
It's stuck! It's stuck!
655
00:39:36,064 --> 00:39:39,096
One, two, three!
656
00:39:48,164 --> 00:39:51,596
Would you guys just stop
banging for like two seconds?
657
00:39:56,797 --> 00:39:58,764
Ugh! He's whacking!
658
00:39:58,765 --> 00:40:01,964
(GASPING)
659
00:40:01,965 --> 00:40:03,763
(BOYS GROAN)
660
00:40:05,031 --> 00:40:08,563
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
661
00:40:08,564 --> 00:40:11,329
(DOOR CLOSES)
662
00:40:14,797 --> 00:40:16,831
Nothing happened.
663
00:40:17,431 --> 00:40:18,530
(SLURPING)
664
00:40:18,531 --> 00:40:20,764
Mm. Good morning.
665
00:40:20,765 --> 00:40:23,930
- Sit down. I want to talk to you.
- Dad...
666
00:40:23,931 --> 00:40:27,130
Why is it so important to
you that I go to Georgetown?
667
00:40:27,131 --> 00:40:32,132
Well, I guess because that's where I met
your mother and my life really began.
668
00:40:32,133 --> 00:40:35,563
- And you want that for me?
- Yes, of course.
669
00:40:35,564 --> 00:40:38,996
Well, what if I don't need
Georgetown to get that?
670
00:40:38,997 --> 00:40:40,898
You don't want to go to Georgetown?
671
00:40:40,899 --> 00:40:44,231
(CHUCKLES) No, I'm...
I'm just kidding.
672
00:40:44,232 --> 00:40:48,929
No, I just... I don't need a pep talk,
that's all. I got this. (CHUCKLES)
673
00:40:48,930 --> 00:40:53,598
You know, why don't you just focus on
planning your trip to parents' weekend.
674
00:40:53,599 --> 00:40:55,398
Okay.
675
00:40:55,798 --> 00:40:59,629
All right. Have a good day.
676
00:41:02,897 --> 00:41:07,629
I proved the existence of a sex Jedi and
you're just speechless and smiling.
677
00:41:07,630 --> 00:41:12,396
- Do you think about anything besides sex?
- Yeah. I think about a lot of stuff.
678
00:41:12,397 --> 00:41:14,963
Like why we're still
reliant on foreign oil.
679
00:41:14,964 --> 00:41:17,829
What I'd look like with
a ponytail. You know?
680
00:41:17,830 --> 00:41:19,863
Why the sudden up tick
in peanut allergies?
681
00:41:19,864 --> 00:41:22,798
You know, there are other things
in this world besides sex.
682
00:41:22,799 --> 00:41:27,298
Other things to see or do in
this world. In this school, even.
683
00:41:27,299 --> 00:41:29,329
What the hell are you talking about?
684
00:41:29,330 --> 00:41:32,531
I'm talking about living a
life without repercussions.
685
00:41:32,532 --> 00:41:34,230
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Gabs.
686
00:41:34,231 --> 00:41:36,663
Hey, didn't your cousin
get admitted to South Oaks?
687
00:41:36,664 --> 00:41:38,347
Yeah. He had a psychotic break...
688
00:41:38,349 --> 00:41:40,929
and burned down his neighbor's shed.
Thank you for bringing that up.
689
00:41:40,930 --> 00:41:43,329
Uh-huh. We need to get Rob admitted
there stat. He's fucking lost it.
690
00:41:43,330 --> 00:41:46,541
You know, I just woke up this
morning, and long story short,
691
00:41:46,543 --> 00:41:48,630
I feel like I can do anything.
692
00:41:48,631 --> 00:41:50,696
Okay. Can we talk about
that on the way to class?
693
00:41:50,697 --> 00:41:54,132
- Yeah, let's go. I need to make a poo.
- Yeah, you guys go.
694
00:41:54,133 --> 00:41:56,862
I don't really feel like walking.
695
00:41:59,764 --> 00:42:02,698
- Yeah, you're right. He's acting weird.
- Yeah. He's like the douchey lama.
696
00:42:02,699 --> 00:42:06,162
- (SITAR MUSIC PLAYS)
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
697
00:42:11,830 --> 00:42:13,730
Stop that golf cart!
698
00:42:13,731 --> 00:42:14,797
(TIRES SCREECH)
699
00:42:14,798 --> 00:42:19,363
- Show me your hall pass.
- Is there a hall pass for golf carts?
700
00:42:19,364 --> 00:42:21,030
I'm gonna have to write you up.
701
00:42:21,031 --> 00:42:24,629
You poor soul. You don't know
the power that you possess.
702
00:42:24,630 --> 00:42:27,638
I mean, you get beaten up
every day, and for what?
703
00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:31,464
A line on a college résumé? I mean,
what if instead of writing people up,
704
00:42:31,466 --> 00:42:34,462
you used your position to your
advantage, got something out of it.
705
00:42:34,463 --> 00:42:39,163
Like, tell me that you won't write
me up if I give you the golf cart.
706
00:42:39,164 --> 00:42:41,098
- You would do that?
- Maybe.
707
00:42:41,099 --> 00:42:45,797
Or... Excuse me, Miss?
Do you have a hall pass?
708
00:42:45,798 --> 00:42:48,664
Shit. No.
709
00:42:48,665 --> 00:42:50,562
Ah, I'm not sure what we can do.
710
00:42:50,563 --> 00:42:52,899
You see, my friend here
is a hall monitor,
711
00:42:52,901 --> 00:42:56,091
and it is his job to write up
students who roam the halls
712
00:42:56,093 --> 00:42:57,696
without the necessary paperwork.
713
00:42:57,697 --> 00:43:01,431
Please don't write me up. I'll get
suspended if I get written up again.
714
00:43:01,432 --> 00:43:03,898
Will you French kiss him?
715
00:43:04,298 --> 00:43:05,330
(SIGHS)
716
00:43:05,331 --> 00:43:07,563
Okay. But he can't tell anyone.
717
00:43:07,564 --> 00:43:08,631
- Deal.
- (DOOR OPENS)
718
00:43:08,632 --> 00:43:11,463
But give him something to remember.
719
00:43:11,464 --> 00:43:12,997
(SIGHS)
720
00:43:12,998 --> 00:43:14,962
(SLAM)
721
00:43:17,430 --> 00:43:21,432
- This is what you're doing with your day?
- Yeah, totally.
722
00:43:22,032 --> 00:43:24,897
- Check this out.
- Where'd you get that?
723
00:43:24,898 --> 00:43:28,362
You know that creepy janitor?
It turns out he's not a pedophile.
724
00:43:28,363 --> 00:43:29,665
He's just a drug dealer.
725
00:43:29,666 --> 00:43:32,129
- Huh.
- Hop in.
726
00:43:40,297 --> 00:43:41,797
Should we be out here?
727
00:43:41,798 --> 00:43:42,864
(GRUNTS)
728
00:43:42,865 --> 00:43:44,597
Nope.
729
00:43:44,598 --> 00:43:46,831
- But that's what makes it fun?
- Yep.
730
00:43:46,832 --> 00:43:49,297
Mm-hmm. And if we get caught?
731
00:43:49,298 --> 00:43:52,196
(LAUGHS) Don't worry about it.
732
00:43:52,197 --> 00:43:56,329
Just trust me. It's like that time that
you told me to tell my gym teacher
733
00:43:56,330 --> 00:44:00,063
I couldn't run the mile because
of my menstrual cramps.
734
00:44:00,064 --> 00:44:01,531
- Did I do it?
- Yep.
735
00:44:01,532 --> 00:44:05,962
- Mr. Zizek still calls you "tampon."
- (CHUCKLES)
736
00:44:06,530 --> 00:44:09,130
I didn't say I'm not
smoking with you. Come on.
737
00:44:09,131 --> 00:44:11,832
Light that thing up. Let us see
if it is really a gateway drug.
738
00:44:11,833 --> 00:44:13,996
Oh. It is.
739
00:44:16,797 --> 00:44:19,829
A gateway to awesome. (COUGHS)
740
00:44:24,297 --> 00:44:26,363
(SPITS)
741
00:44:26,364 --> 00:44:28,530
(LAUGHS)
742
00:44:28,531 --> 00:44:30,965
Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES)
743
00:44:31,965 --> 00:44:36,531
Hey, would you like to hear something
that I've never told anyone ever?
744
00:44:36,532 --> 00:44:38,642
- Yes.
- Freshman year,
745
00:44:38,644 --> 00:44:41,798
I thought that parent/teacher night
meant that Mrs. Wiley was going to be
746
00:44:41,799 --> 00:44:46,430
staying at my house for a night
while my parents went away.
747
00:44:46,431 --> 00:44:47,930
(LAUGHS)
748
00:44:47,931 --> 00:44:50,898
You would have to bomb your house to
get rid of the stench of her perfume.
749
00:44:50,899 --> 00:44:54,062
- Oh, God.
- (LAUGHS)
750
00:45:03,930 --> 00:45:06,464
- How did we become friends?
- You don't remember?
751
00:45:06,465 --> 00:45:10,363
No, it's not that I don't
remember, it's just...
752
00:45:10,364 --> 00:45:13,365
It feels like you've
always been here.
753
00:45:13,865 --> 00:45:15,365
Sorry.
754
00:45:15,865 --> 00:45:19,230
Weed must make me uncomfortably deep.
755
00:45:19,231 --> 00:45:20,764
Uh-huh.
756
00:45:20,765 --> 00:45:28,130
Um... I was in the third grade and I was
the new girl, the giant, 5'3" new girl.
757
00:45:28,131 --> 00:45:31,664
And you were the only one
who didn't laugh at me.
758
00:45:31,665 --> 00:45:35,163
I was too scared to laugh.
You were enormous.
759
00:45:35,164 --> 00:45:38,096
(LAUGHS)
760
00:45:50,697 --> 00:45:53,911
Hey. No matter where
we end up next year,
761
00:45:53,913 --> 00:45:56,364
we have to watch the
spelling bee together.
762
00:45:56,365 --> 00:45:58,664
Of course we will.
763
00:45:59,464 --> 00:46:02,931
I'm really sorry that I
blew you off this time.
764
00:46:02,933 --> 00:46:07,265
- I'll never do it again.
- When did you blow me off?
765
00:46:08,765 --> 00:46:13,463
I meant... I meant to say I
would never blow you off.
766
00:46:13,464 --> 00:46:15,397
(CHUCKLES)
767
00:46:15,398 --> 00:46:19,597
Sorry. This stuff must really
be killing brain cells.
768
00:46:19,598 --> 00:46:21,764
(CHUCKLES)
769
00:46:21,765 --> 00:46:25,596
It's nice to get out like this
once in a while. You know?
770
00:46:25,597 --> 00:46:28,162
- Get out of class, live a little.
- Yeah.
771
00:46:28,163 --> 00:46:30,662
We should have done
something like this sooner.
772
00:46:30,697 --> 00:46:34,297
- I always wanted to.
- Mm-hmm.
773
00:46:34,298 --> 00:46:36,630
You know what?
774
00:46:36,631 --> 00:46:39,463
- Come on.
- Where are we going?
775
00:46:39,464 --> 00:46:43,364
There's something else
I've always wanted to do.
776
00:46:44,364 --> 00:46:47,129
(SNORING)
777
00:46:49,130 --> 00:46:53,162
Here. It's pretty good,
but kind of illegal.
778
00:46:57,430 --> 00:47:00,196
(SNORING CONTINUES)
779
00:47:04,130 --> 00:47:06,263
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
780
00:47:06,264 --> 00:47:08,097
Oh, God.
781
00:47:09,097 --> 00:47:11,196
(GRUNTING)
782
00:47:11,197 --> 00:47:13,131
Hold on!
783
00:47:14,731 --> 00:47:18,429
- Oh, hi, Mr. Hughes.
- Rob, this is the teachers' lounge.
784
00:47:18,430 --> 00:47:23,529
Yeah, I know. Um, hey, you wouldn't happen
to have a match or anything, would you?
785
00:47:23,530 --> 00:47:27,031
No? All right. Cool. Well, um,
I should probably get going.
786
00:47:27,032 --> 00:47:31,196
But you should probably
flush again, just in case.
787
00:47:43,597 --> 00:47:46,429
- What was it like in there?
- It was very comfortable.
788
00:47:46,430 --> 00:47:49,298
There was a great selection
of reading material.
789
00:48:00,630 --> 00:48:02,629
I fucking love doughnuts.
790
00:48:05,797 --> 00:48:10,097
You know, all I'm saying is that you have an
inner strength that one day I hope to have.
791
00:48:10,098 --> 00:48:13,764
- Thank you.
- Shh. Hey. Don't thank me.
792
00:48:13,765 --> 00:48:15,964
Okay? Because I am not
important right now.
793
00:48:15,965 --> 00:48:19,363
My interview? That is not important.
794
00:48:22,330 --> 00:48:24,630
I'm never gonna forget you.
795
00:48:24,631 --> 00:48:26,562
I know.
796
00:48:35,130 --> 00:48:36,563
(LAUGHS)
797
00:48:36,564 --> 00:48:37,896
Whoa!
798
00:48:37,897 --> 00:48:39,929
Hey!
799
00:48:39,930 --> 00:48:41,030
Whoo!
800
00:48:41,031 --> 00:48:44,996
- What the fuck was that?
- Two men. Connecting.
801
00:48:44,997 --> 00:48:48,396
Okay, cut the shit. What is up with
you today? Gabs and I are worried.
802
00:48:48,397 --> 00:48:50,296
- I'm not worried.
- Dude, I've told you.
803
00:48:50,297 --> 00:48:52,496
- You don't get it.
- When did you tell me?
804
00:48:52,497 --> 00:48:55,264
Three this mornings ago.
It's okay, okay?
805
00:48:55,265 --> 00:49:00,296
Because I didn't really get it, either,
but I do now. Today is a gift.
806
00:49:01,996 --> 00:49:04,631
Come on. I just got an idea.
807
00:49:05,031 --> 00:49:06,936
Okay, so, as I told
you guys yesterday,
808
00:49:06,938 --> 00:49:10,317
tomorrow's quiz will be
on chapters 5 through 7,
809
00:49:10,319 --> 00:49:13,430
and what you want to look... (SIGHS)
810
00:49:13,431 --> 00:49:17,697
Mr. Crabbe, your class was two
periods ago. You missed it.
811
00:49:17,698 --> 00:49:22,062
- I know. I was taking a shit.
- Excuse me?
812
00:49:24,664 --> 00:49:27,263
- Oh, my God.
- What's he doing?
813
00:49:27,264 --> 00:49:33,062
They're very firm, Stanley. Like, spongy.
Does that mean they're fake?
814
00:49:34,297 --> 00:49:36,097
- Oh, my God!
- Thank you.
815
00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,230
Sweet.
816
00:49:37,231 --> 00:49:39,829
I think I smoked too much weed.
Did he just feel up Ms. Hartnett?
817
00:49:39,830 --> 00:49:43,196
- Mm-hmm. I think she called the cops.
- It was worth it.
818
00:49:49,764 --> 00:49:52,595
Are these seats taken, Sally?
819
00:49:59,497 --> 00:50:03,097
It has been a long time.
820
00:50:04,097 --> 00:50:05,697
Whoa!
821
00:50:05,997 --> 00:50:07,531
That was for the 4th grade!
822
00:50:07,532 --> 00:50:10,796
(LAUGHS) Right?
823
00:50:10,797 --> 00:50:13,863
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS)
824
00:50:13,864 --> 00:50:15,896
Oh, shit.
825
00:50:15,897 --> 00:50:18,862
(SHRIEKS)
826
00:50:24,063 --> 00:50:26,397
(SCREAMING)
827
00:50:26,398 --> 00:50:28,764
(THUD)
828
00:50:28,765 --> 00:50:30,697
(GROWLING)
829
00:50:30,698 --> 00:50:33,595
(CROWD CHEERS)
830
00:50:35,397 --> 00:50:36,430
(GROANS)
831
00:50:36,431 --> 00:50:39,198
Save yourself, Rob! Grab her tit!
832
00:50:39,598 --> 00:50:42,398
I'm grabbing her tit!
I'm grabbing your tit!
833
00:50:42,399 --> 00:50:45,230
Squeeze it till milk comes out!
834
00:50:45,231 --> 00:50:48,229
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
835
00:50:50,730 --> 00:50:53,962
I'm sorry, Sally. I'm a big fan.
836
00:50:54,829 --> 00:50:55,697
(SCREAMING)
837
00:50:55,698 --> 00:50:57,430
(GROANS)
838
00:50:57,431 --> 00:51:00,264
- (SCREAMING)
- (GROANS)
839
00:51:00,298 --> 00:51:02,563
(SCREAMING)
840
00:51:02,564 --> 00:51:04,596
Sally!
841
00:51:09,497 --> 00:51:11,828
(SCREAMING)
842
00:51:17,430 --> 00:51:19,629
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
843
00:51:23,796 --> 00:51:26,062
Have a seat, Rob.
844
00:51:30,896 --> 00:51:35,097
I don't know what to say.
You're one of my favorite students.
845
00:51:35,098 --> 00:51:37,896
Really? We've barely met.
846
00:51:37,897 --> 00:51:42,430
Yeah, exactly. I love the
students I don't have to meet.
847
00:51:42,431 --> 00:51:46,098
Meeting you guys is the
worst part of my job.
848
00:51:46,598 --> 00:51:50,398
Do you mind if I eat? It's gonna be
awhile before the cops get here.
849
00:51:50,399 --> 00:51:54,597
- The cops?
- Yes. The cops. Geez.
850
00:51:54,598 --> 00:51:56,629
You grabbed Ms. Hartnett's breasts.
851
00:51:56,630 --> 00:52:00,229
That's sexual assault.
I mean, don't flatter yourself.
852
00:52:00,230 --> 00:52:03,023
They're also coming for some moron
bus driver who was toking it up
853
00:52:03,025 --> 00:52:06,897
in one of the parked vehicles,
but you're the main focus.
854
00:52:14,297 --> 00:52:16,163
So...
855
00:52:16,164 --> 00:52:19,666
I don't mean to be flippant
about your situation,
856
00:52:19,668 --> 00:52:22,484
but in an overcrowded
public school like this,
857
00:52:22,486 --> 00:52:25,315
if one of you students wants to
flush your future down the crapper
858
00:52:25,317 --> 00:52:29,764
and I get to expel you, I am not
losing my appetite over that.
859
00:52:31,164 --> 00:52:34,762
- Shit.
- Fuck.
860
00:52:35,230 --> 00:52:36,196
(SIGHS)
861
00:52:36,197 --> 00:52:38,764
All right, let's run
down the hit list.
862
00:52:39,364 --> 00:52:41,996
You molested a teacher.
863
00:52:41,997 --> 00:52:45,642
You sexually harassed a
female freshman student
864
00:52:45,644 --> 00:52:49,380
and a male hall monitor. And then...
865
00:52:49,382 --> 00:52:53,162
(CHUCKLES) This is funny. You got
in a fight with a girl and you lost.
866
00:52:53,163 --> 00:52:56,195
She curb-stomped my genitals.
With her shoes.
867
00:52:56,196 --> 00:53:00,396
Mm-hmm. Then I called your mom. Your mom
and dad are on their way, by the way.
868
00:53:00,397 --> 00:53:02,862
And she said that she caught
you masturbating this morning.
869
00:53:02,863 --> 00:53:05,464
It was a wet dream.
I wasn't masturbating.
870
00:53:05,465 --> 00:53:12,263
Whatever. Seems like to me you're going
for a varsity letter in sexual deviancy.
871
00:53:12,264 --> 00:53:15,464
- Can I go to the bathroom?
- Yeah, in your pants.
872
00:53:15,465 --> 00:53:18,261
'Cause you're not
leaving this office.
873
00:53:18,430 --> 00:53:22,497
All right. Let's take a look.
874
00:53:23,497 --> 00:53:26,353
I can't figure out what would
make a boy like you snap.
875
00:53:26,355 --> 00:53:30,631
I mean, up to this point,
no missteps.
876
00:53:31,231 --> 00:53:34,998
What would make a boy
like you do what you did?
877
00:53:35,398 --> 00:53:40,764
I mean, it's a big question.
Is society at fault? Probably.
878
00:53:41,764 --> 00:53:46,895
Have you got bad wiring?
Were you not hugged enough as a kid?
879
00:53:47,397 --> 00:53:49,596
Rob, Rob, Robbie.
880
00:53:49,597 --> 00:53:53,464
I mean, what is it?
You take Paxil or something?
881
00:53:54,464 --> 00:53:57,031
Maybe it's your home life.
882
00:53:59,031 --> 00:54:02,963
I don't know. Maybe you
have horrible parents.
883
00:54:02,964 --> 00:54:08,998
But here is the hard truth that
America is not prepared to admit.
884
00:54:09,498 --> 00:54:14,430
We're all just... filthy animals.
885
00:54:14,431 --> 00:54:18,697
And to expect us to play
by the prude rules...
886
00:54:19,697 --> 00:54:22,462
that's ri-goddamn-diculous.
887
00:54:23,629 --> 00:54:26,595
I mean, what you did
to Ms. Hartnett...
888
00:54:28,530 --> 00:54:31,362
We were all thinking about it.
889
00:54:33,796 --> 00:54:36,529
As long as you don't sell crack
or burn the campus down,
890
00:54:36,530 --> 00:54:40,298
I really don't care if you
play a little ass-grab, but...
891
00:54:40,299 --> 00:54:45,318
I mean, hell, if I had the budget,
I would build us a windowless room
892
00:54:45,320 --> 00:54:50,897
where you perverts could just go in
there and poke and grab all day long.
893
00:54:51,197 --> 00:54:56,961
And I'd make it all out of cement, you know,
so you could hose down all the... fluids.
894
00:54:57,329 --> 00:54:59,362
Come on!
895
00:55:00,663 --> 00:55:04,662
- Is that semen?
- It's just a little mayo.
896
00:55:06,863 --> 00:55:08,995
My daughter made me that sandwich!
897
00:55:08,996 --> 00:55:11,164
That's a special sandwich,
you little pervert!
898
00:55:11,165 --> 00:55:12,497
Ohh!
899
00:55:13,597 --> 00:55:14,430
(GASPS)
900
00:55:14,431 --> 00:55:16,897
- Cops are here.
- Yeah, I know.
901
00:55:17,697 --> 00:55:20,729
- Dude, you got to get me out of here.
- Come on.
902
00:55:24,397 --> 00:55:27,697
Uh, you do know that you're in
the girls' locker room, don't you?
903
00:55:27,698 --> 00:55:30,829
Tell that to your Adam's apple.
904
00:55:33,696 --> 00:55:35,631
Uh, sorry.
905
00:55:36,131 --> 00:55:38,097
- Hide here until it's safe to leave.
- What?
906
00:55:38,098 --> 00:55:40,229
Don't go anywhere.
907
00:55:49,863 --> 00:55:51,597
Come on!
908
00:55:52,197 --> 00:55:55,195
What the fuck is wrong with you?
909
00:55:57,929 --> 00:56:00,297
Are you talking to me?
910
00:56:01,097 --> 00:56:05,864
No. I was yelling at my dick
because it won't get hard.
911
00:56:06,364 --> 00:56:08,362
There's a guy in there.
I think he's...
912
00:56:08,363 --> 00:56:12,628
Molesting himself? It sure sound
like it. Do you want to watch?
913
00:56:15,896 --> 00:56:18,461
Hey, man. What the
fuck are you doing?
914
00:56:18,462 --> 00:56:20,624
I really need to jerk off,
but it's not working,
915
00:56:20,626 --> 00:56:24,396
- and I think I might have broken it.
- Wait. Why do you need to jerk off?
916
00:56:24,397 --> 00:56:27,483
Dude, I really don't have time to
explain right now. Just help me or...
917
00:56:27,485 --> 00:56:29,696
get the fuck away.
918
00:56:34,562 --> 00:56:36,764
(CLEARS THROAT)
919
00:56:37,764 --> 00:56:40,264
(HIGH-PITCHED)
You want sto fuck mistah?
920
00:56:40,265 --> 00:56:46,131
I'll fuck you first one free. I'll give
you all my holes. Even brown one.
921
00:56:46,331 --> 00:56:48,564
- Stanley?
- (NORMAL VOICE) Yeah?
922
00:56:49,064 --> 00:56:51,576
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm trying to help.
923
00:56:51,578 --> 00:56:54,463
I went Asian.
Asian seems right, you know?
924
00:56:54,464 --> 00:56:58,130
(HIGH-PITCHED)
Put your egg roll in my sticky bun!
925
00:56:58,131 --> 00:57:01,729
Ooh, we do fucky-fucky! Fucky now!
926
00:57:01,730 --> 00:57:04,428
- Let's do fucky-fucky!
- Shut the hell up.
927
00:57:04,429 --> 00:57:07,595
- (NORMAL VOICE) You shut the hell up!
- Stanley, come on. Stop, man.
928
00:57:07,596 --> 00:57:10,497
- I really need to focus.
- (HIGH-PITCHED) Oh, no. Do me!
929
00:57:10,498 --> 00:57:14,363
Do me doggie style,
then we eat dog! Woof!
930
00:57:14,364 --> 00:57:16,164
Come on, man. Please stop.
You're ruining it.
931
00:57:16,165 --> 00:57:19,796
No, you stop, Mr. America. Choke me.
932
00:57:19,797 --> 00:57:22,429
Choke me! Choke me!
933
00:57:22,430 --> 00:57:24,730
(DEEP VOICE)
You fuck her from the front, "g."
934
00:57:24,731 --> 00:57:27,863
I'mma fuck her from the back. Yeah.
935
00:57:27,864 --> 00:57:29,763
What the hell is that?
936
00:57:29,764 --> 00:57:31,764
(NORMAL VOICE)
It's the only other voice I can do.
937
00:57:31,765 --> 00:57:33,763
(LOCK CLICKS)
938
00:57:35,363 --> 00:57:40,228
I'm gonna go find the cops. Maybe getting
raped in jail is gonna do the trick.
939
00:57:46,263 --> 00:57:47,462
Oh, no.
940
00:57:47,463 --> 00:57:49,063
(GROWLS)
941
00:57:49,064 --> 00:57:52,462
(GROANS)
942
00:57:52,463 --> 00:57:54,128
(GASPING)
943
00:57:57,096 --> 00:58:01,362
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
944
00:58:02,829 --> 00:58:05,597
You got to be fucking kidding me!
945
00:58:05,897 --> 00:58:11,562
What was that, Robert?! You got to be
fucking kidding me! Look at yourself!
946
00:58:11,563 --> 00:58:13,796
I'm sorry, mom.
947
00:58:13,797 --> 00:58:17,364
(SCOFFS) I can't believe
this is my fucking life.
948
00:58:17,764 --> 00:58:21,662
(SCREAMING)
949
00:58:24,596 --> 00:58:26,230
You're not gonna lock your bike up?
950
00:58:26,231 --> 00:58:28,064
Hey, guys.
951
00:58:29,264 --> 00:58:31,029
- What time are you flying out, Artie?
- Funny, Stanley.
952
00:58:31,030 --> 00:58:34,862
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.
953
00:58:34,863 --> 00:58:37,797
So, Rob, Gabrielle told me
your Georgetown interview is...
954
00:58:37,798 --> 00:58:41,196
Today. And no, I don't
want to drop your name.
955
00:58:41,197 --> 00:58:45,330
I mean, I could, but, you know,
I'd rather not be associated with you.
956
00:58:45,331 --> 00:58:48,963
- Rob. What's wrong?
- It's not the interview.
957
00:58:48,964 --> 00:58:52,796
- You want to talk about it?
- I'm good. (SIGHS)
958
00:58:52,797 --> 00:58:56,864
- Well, it's bee day, right?
- Yeah, about that. I have to cancel.
959
00:58:56,865 --> 00:59:01,228
- Really? Just like that?
- Yes, just like that.
960
00:59:04,163 --> 00:59:05,097
Hey!
961
00:59:06,797 --> 00:59:08,767
I don't know what's going
on here, but promise me
962
00:59:08,769 --> 00:59:11,162
you'll turn the darkness
off for your interview.
963
00:59:11,163 --> 00:59:13,395
- Why?
- 'Cause you've worked your ass off for it.
964
00:59:13,396 --> 00:59:15,395
And I need to know you're
not gonna throw it away.
965
00:59:15,396 --> 00:59:17,129
If I have to do the interview
with you, I will.
966
00:59:17,130 --> 00:59:21,695
Stop fucking around, man. I'm not...
I'm not in a good place right now.
967
00:59:21,696 --> 00:59:25,863
I'm not fucking around. You're my
best friend. I'd do anything for you.
968
00:59:26,463 --> 00:59:29,662
- Do you mean that?
- Yeah. I mean that.
969
00:59:30,130 --> 00:59:32,397
I mean, 'cause you've never
really told me that before.
970
00:59:32,398 --> 00:59:34,630
Well, I never knew I had to.
971
00:59:36,230 --> 00:59:40,996
I don't know, you're just...
you're always so vulgar, you know?
972
00:59:40,997 --> 00:59:44,530
I bury my emotions.
It's a defense mechanism.
973
00:59:47,530 --> 00:59:50,294
- I'm gonna hug you now.
- I know.
974
00:59:53,229 --> 00:59:55,729
- Hey, guys.
- Oh.
975
00:59:55,730 --> 00:59:58,829
- Hi, Angela.
- Hey... Angela. How are you?
976
00:59:58,830 --> 01:00:00,963
Why are you guys hugging?
977
01:00:00,964 --> 01:00:05,497
It's 2013, Angela. Men hug now,
you know? Deal with it.
978
01:00:06,297 --> 01:00:10,528
So, Rob. Um, I was gonna come find
you later, but since you're here,
979
01:00:10,529 --> 01:00:13,264
I know our tutoring session isn't
technically supposed to be until Thursday,
980
01:00:13,266 --> 01:00:17,362
- but...
- Tonight. Um... Yeah. Sure.
981
01:00:17,363 --> 01:00:22,030
(CHUCKLES) Great.
And could we do it at my house?
982
01:00:22,430 --> 01:00:26,596
- If we have to.
- Perfect. Come over around 7:00.
983
01:00:26,597 --> 01:00:29,461
- Great.
- Nice hoodie.
984
01:00:31,462 --> 01:00:34,162
Tracing the man's slow
fall into madness.
985
01:00:34,163 --> 01:00:38,730
I'll start reading and then we'll go
around the room counterclockwise.
986
01:00:38,731 --> 01:00:41,162
Okay, let's get started.
987
01:00:41,163 --> 01:00:44,662
Mr. Crabbe, would you mind taking
your seat so we can begin?
988
01:00:44,663 --> 01:00:47,930
Oh, no, if it's okay,
I'm just... I'm gonna stand.
989
01:00:48,230 --> 01:00:50,895
No, it's not okay.
990
01:00:56,162 --> 01:00:58,596
(SIGHS)
991
01:00:58,597 --> 01:00:59,561
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
992
01:00:59,562 --> 01:01:01,697
I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.
993
01:01:01,698 --> 01:01:05,395
Oh, wow. Aren't you
glad I took my seat?
994
01:01:08,796 --> 01:01:14,363
As I recite the poem out loud, listen for
the repetition of the word "nevermore."
995
01:01:14,364 --> 01:01:16,363
Gabs?
996
01:01:17,097 --> 01:01:19,247
..."while I pondered weak and weary,
997
01:01:19,249 --> 01:01:24,495
over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore"...
998
01:01:25,696 --> 01:01:28,864
Mr. Crabbe, good to meet you,
young man. How's your day going?
999
01:01:28,865 --> 01:01:33,797
Not gonna lie. Today has been
a never-ending cluster fuck.
1000
01:01:34,797 --> 01:01:38,948
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
But as I've learned,
1001
01:01:38,950 --> 01:01:43,363
in the light of some recent difficult
events, each day is a gift.
1002
01:01:43,364 --> 01:01:47,061
Yeah, it is a gift you can't return.
1003
01:01:49,396 --> 01:01:52,963
You have a very
impressive application.
1004
01:01:52,964 --> 01:01:57,196
Everything on there was designed
to solicit that exact response.
1005
01:01:57,197 --> 01:02:00,529
- What?
- I have lived to get into this school.
1006
01:02:00,530 --> 01:02:03,245
You know I even have a set of
perfectly scripted responses
1007
01:02:03,247 --> 01:02:06,595
to virtually every question
that you could ever ask?
1008
01:02:06,596 --> 01:02:10,897
Hell, at one point, I was so nervous
I might have even over-performed.
1009
01:02:10,898 --> 01:02:13,796
- But not now.
- Why? Why not now?
1010
01:02:13,797 --> 01:02:16,628
Oh, I could tell you,
but you'd never believe me.
1011
01:02:16,629 --> 01:02:20,962
Is it the pressure? Because I can
tell you, you're a lock for our school.
1012
01:02:20,963 --> 01:02:25,970
Is it a girl? Is it a girl? I can tell you,
there's gonna be others. There will.
1013
01:02:25,972 --> 01:02:30,763
And when the right one presents herself...
(VOICE BREAKING) She will...
1014
01:02:30,764 --> 01:02:34,662
Oh, God. I was really hoping
you wouldn't cry this time.
1015
01:02:34,663 --> 01:02:37,316
- What?
- Nothing. Here's the problem.
1016
01:02:37,318 --> 01:02:41,428
There are certain things
that I thought I wanted,
1017
01:02:41,430 --> 01:02:45,137
like getting in to Georgetown
or fucking Angela Yearwood,
1018
01:02:45,139 --> 01:02:48,662
but then I realized I don't
actually want any of those things.
1019
01:02:48,663 --> 01:02:51,561
- Uh...
- Other people just want them for me.
1020
01:02:51,562 --> 01:02:53,630
Having sex is nothing
you should take lightly.
1021
01:02:53,631 --> 01:02:58,930
I know that. I've had, like, seven
orgasms so far today. (SCOFFS)
1022
01:02:59,430 --> 01:03:01,295
Holy shit.
1023
01:03:04,362 --> 01:03:06,430
How'd it go?
1024
01:03:07,030 --> 01:03:11,297
Look on the bright side. Tonight you
get to have sex with Angela Yearwood.
1025
01:03:11,298 --> 01:03:15,528
(SIGHING)
No. The worst part is I don't.
1026
01:03:19,462 --> 01:03:21,597
(DOORBELL RINGS)
1027
01:03:23,397 --> 01:03:28,829
- Hey. I thought you had to cancel.
- Can I come in? I'm not good.
1028
01:03:28,830 --> 01:03:32,325
And I don't even get to
actually have sex. I just...
1029
01:03:32,327 --> 01:03:37,696
orgasm prematurely and then
I wake up back in my room.
1030
01:03:37,697 --> 01:03:43,330
And then my mom comes in to find
me sitting on a massive wet spot.
1031
01:03:43,830 --> 01:03:45,396
Do you believe me?
1032
01:03:45,397 --> 01:03:48,361
Only the part about you waking up in
a massive wet spot every morning.
1033
01:03:48,362 --> 01:03:52,363
Gabs, I know that this sounds
fucking crazy, but I'm serious.
1034
01:03:52,364 --> 01:03:54,496
Okay, what am I gonna say now?
1035
01:03:54,497 --> 01:03:57,795
I don't know. I...
I haven't done this part yet.
1036
01:03:57,796 --> 01:04:01,397
Oh, okay, so every day is not the same.
You can do different things.
1037
01:04:01,398 --> 01:04:06,529
Yes, yes, but... inevitably,
I have an orgasm.
1038
01:04:06,530 --> 01:04:11,196
- Okay. All right. That's... great.
- You got to believe me.
1039
01:04:11,197 --> 01:04:15,396
I don't, but, uh, I'm worried
about you now, so...
1040
01:04:15,397 --> 01:04:17,163
Walk me through this
never-ending day?
1041
01:04:17,164 --> 01:04:20,195
Okay, um... (SIGHS)
Well, I wake up...
1042
01:04:20,196 --> 01:04:22,695
- Just... throw the sheets in...
- Smell of a champ...
1043
01:04:22,696 --> 01:04:24,395
- (THUD) Rob!
- Hi, guys.
1044
01:04:24,396 --> 01:04:25,795
- A mammogram.
- Nevermore.
1045
01:04:25,796 --> 01:04:27,230
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Pongsaklek Wonjongkam.
1046
01:04:27,231 --> 01:04:28,763
- (CRYING)
- No.
1047
01:04:28,764 --> 01:04:30,764
Can I confess something to you?
1048
01:04:30,765 --> 01:04:32,396
- Ka-boom.
- (GASPS)
1049
01:04:32,397 --> 01:04:34,463
And that's all you can think of?
1050
01:04:34,464 --> 01:04:39,734
Well, one time Sally Levinson
kicked an orgasm out of me, but...
1051
01:04:39,736 --> 01:04:43,963
- those are the constants.
- Right.
1052
01:04:44,963 --> 01:04:48,030
Look, it's, uh, it's getting
late and I have a test tomorrow.
1053
01:04:48,031 --> 01:04:51,929
Gabs, come on, okay?
Please? Please help me.
1054
01:04:51,930 --> 01:04:54,890
Look, if you're just gonna live this day
over again, you got to tell me earlier.
1055
01:04:54,892 --> 01:04:56,329
Like, third period.
1056
01:04:56,330 --> 01:04:59,096
And have you not believe
me again? Thanks.
1057
01:04:59,097 --> 01:05:03,030
Okay, look. Just, if you
want me to believe you...
1058
01:05:03,530 --> 01:05:08,684
When you tell me your story, just
mention the Abraham Lincoln sex fantasy
1059
01:05:08,686 --> 01:05:11,129
and I will believe you.
1060
01:05:11,130 --> 01:05:14,096
Ew. You have an Abraham
Lincoln sex fantasy?
1061
01:05:14,097 --> 01:05:17,429
I had a dream where he...
1062
01:05:17,430 --> 01:05:19,963
emancipated my g-spot.
1063
01:05:20,463 --> 01:05:23,962
- It was unforgettable.
- Oh, my God.
1064
01:05:23,963 --> 01:05:27,296
- Okay, do you want my help or not?
- Just forget it.
1065
01:05:27,996 --> 01:05:30,397
We do have one other option.
1066
01:05:31,197 --> 01:05:34,130
We can talk to the
smartest person I know.
1067
01:05:34,830 --> 01:05:38,897
You've come to me for help.
Pardon me while I savor this moment.
1068
01:05:39,397 --> 01:05:42,128
- Told you this was a bad idea.
- Just wait.
1069
01:05:42,129 --> 01:05:43,994
Arthur, we really need your help.
1070
01:05:43,995 --> 01:05:46,477
While I applaud your decision
to discuss the matter with me,
1071
01:05:46,479 --> 01:05:51,795
I have little experience with
mental illness. Also, he's a dick.
1072
01:05:53,209 --> 01:05:56,541
You didn't tell me you
were having friends over.
1073
01:05:56,542 --> 01:05:59,333
I didn't know. They just showed up.
1074
01:05:59,334 --> 01:06:01,666
Nana doesn't like unexpected guests.
1075
01:06:01,667 --> 01:06:03,291
- But I didn't...
- They have to leave!
1076
01:06:03,292 --> 01:06:06,041
- But...
- This is not up for debate!
1077
01:06:06,042 --> 01:06:07,999
Please calm down.
1078
01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:13,249
Get them out now before
somebody gets hurt!
1079
01:06:14,763 --> 01:06:19,861
I'm sorry, guys, but my mom says you
have to leave before my Nana sees you.
1080
01:06:19,862 --> 01:06:21,597
Why? What's up with your Nana?
1081
01:06:21,598 --> 01:06:24,664
(SCREAMING)
1082
01:06:25,664 --> 01:06:27,429
Mama, no!
1083
01:06:27,430 --> 01:06:28,129
(THUDDING)
1084
01:06:28,130 --> 01:06:30,397
Aah! Mama!
1085
01:06:31,397 --> 01:06:33,663
What the fuck?!
1086
01:06:34,163 --> 01:06:37,130
Mama! Mama!
1087
01:06:37,430 --> 01:06:40,195
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
1088
01:06:46,763 --> 01:06:48,828
(THUD)
1089
01:06:49,828 --> 01:06:51,429
Mama?
1090
01:06:51,430 --> 01:06:53,029
(GURGLES)
1091
01:06:53,030 --> 01:06:54,862
Is she dead?
1092
01:06:54,863 --> 01:06:55,995
Aah!
1093
01:06:55,996 --> 01:06:58,163
- (ALL SCREAMING)
- (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
1094
01:06:58,164 --> 01:06:59,629
Oh, no!
1095
01:07:00,829 --> 01:07:05,062
Oh, no! Get her off of me!
Get her off of me!
1096
01:07:05,063 --> 01:07:10,095
(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
1097
01:07:10,162 --> 01:07:13,928
Get her off! Get... her... off.
1098
01:07:13,929 --> 01:07:16,261
(MOANS)
1099
01:07:18,095 --> 01:07:20,961
(MOANING QUIETLY)
1100
01:07:24,129 --> 01:07:25,762
Jadoogar.
1101
01:07:25,763 --> 01:07:28,095
(SLURPING)
1102
01:07:28,096 --> 01:07:29,628
- Where are you going?
- School.
1103
01:07:29,629 --> 01:07:32,461
- Not like that.
- It's okay. It get a do-over.
1104
01:07:36,696 --> 01:07:38,362
Hey, Arthur.
1105
01:07:38,363 --> 01:07:40,994
- Oh, hey, Rob. I got beer for tonight.
- I need to talk to you.
1106
01:07:40,995 --> 01:07:43,213
- I'm pretty busy.
- Are you okay?
1107
01:07:43,215 --> 01:07:46,117
No. I'm not okay.
I'm stuck in the same day,
1108
01:07:46,119 --> 01:07:49,761
and it's a fucking hell that you can't
even fathom, and it just keeps happening.
1109
01:07:49,762 --> 01:07:53,897
I wake up, life kicks the shit out
of me, and then I have an orgasm,
1110
01:07:53,899 --> 01:07:57,365
and then I live the same day all over
again, and I know that that sounds crazy,
1111
01:07:57,367 --> 01:08:01,061
but it's true, and I think that this
little fucker can explain it to me.
1112
01:08:01,062 --> 01:08:03,395
Wow, I've never seen
a midlife crisis before.
1113
01:08:03,396 --> 01:08:06,125
- He's 17.
- I always saw him going young.
1114
01:08:06,127 --> 01:08:09,662
Drugs or a plane crash.
Anyway, hope it works out, Rob.
1115
01:08:09,663 --> 01:08:11,161
- Whoa, whoa, okay.
- Watch it.
1116
01:08:11,162 --> 01:08:14,430
- These fibers are delicate.
- All right, so, he's, like, 5.
1117
01:08:14,431 --> 01:08:15,929
- Hey, no!
- Hey!
1118
01:08:15,930 --> 01:08:19,296
Get back here!
Get back here, you little shit!
1119
01:08:19,297 --> 01:08:20,995
Arthur!
1120
01:08:20,996 --> 01:08:22,761
Arthur!
1121
01:08:27,663 --> 01:08:29,861
Oh, no. Oh.
1122
01:08:47,828 --> 01:08:49,975
He's in there.
1123
01:08:50,277 --> 01:08:53,397
I'll give you two minutes,
but make it rough on him.
1124
01:08:53,398 --> 01:08:57,694
I'm talking "slamming balls
on the toilet seat" rough.
1125
01:09:05,562 --> 01:09:07,829
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Uh, maintenance. Keep it moving.
1126
01:09:07,830 --> 01:09:11,361
- But it's an emergency.
- I'll fucking kill you.
1127
01:09:14,895 --> 01:09:16,162
(GASPS)
1128
01:09:16,163 --> 01:09:18,927
Please stop! Someone just
pooped in here! I can smell it!
1129
01:09:18,928 --> 01:09:21,729
- What does a "jadoogar" mean?
- Wait, what?
1130
01:09:23,729 --> 01:09:26,629
- What does "jadoogar" mean?!
- "Curse"! I think it means "curse"!
1131
01:09:26,630 --> 01:09:29,230
- What kind of curse?!
- Like a jinx!
1132
01:09:30,530 --> 01:09:32,527
- How do I get rid of one?!
- How should I know?!
1133
01:09:32,528 --> 01:09:34,685
- Because your grandma put it on me!
- That's crazy!
1134
01:09:34,687 --> 01:09:38,929
- My Nana doesn't even know who you are!
- Your Nana put a fucking jadoogar on me!
1135
01:09:38,930 --> 01:09:42,383
No! No way! Please
don't dunk me again.
1136
01:09:42,385 --> 01:09:45,696
I can feel sores opening up
on my lips and in my mouth.
1137
01:09:45,697 --> 01:09:48,461
(CRYING)
1138
01:09:52,062 --> 01:09:53,596
Here.
1139
01:09:53,597 --> 01:09:55,863
(SNIFFLES)
1140
01:09:56,863 --> 01:10:00,560
If I had a knife, I'd stab
you in the fucking throat.
1141
01:10:08,329 --> 01:10:09,694
- Have you checked your voicemail?
- Are you okay?
1142
01:10:09,695 --> 01:10:11,328
- You're acting kind of weird.
- The most amazing thing...
1143
01:10:11,329 --> 01:10:13,728
- I'm cursed.
- What do you mean, you're cursed?
1144
01:10:13,729 --> 01:10:16,110
That first-generation asshole
just told me that I'm cursed
1145
01:10:16,112 --> 01:10:18,827
and that this fucking shit-storm of a
day is just going to keep repeating.
1146
01:10:18,828 --> 01:10:20,473
- That's ridiculous.
- You know what's ridiculous?
1147
01:10:20,475 --> 01:10:23,194
Is wanting to have sexual
intercourse with Abraham Lincoln.
1148
01:10:23,195 --> 01:10:24,394
How do you know about that?
1149
01:10:24,395 --> 01:10:27,261
Because I've been through every
nook and cranny today has to offer.
1150
01:10:27,262 --> 01:10:29,995
You told me to say it,
at 9:00 tonight yesterday.
1151
01:10:29,996 --> 01:10:32,403
And then I blew a load on
Arthur's mom's ample chest,
1152
01:10:32,405 --> 01:10:34,994
- and then I woke up back where I started.
- Whatever, dude. Listen, this morning...
1153
01:10:34,995 --> 01:10:37,762
Lisa's a jizz Jedi.
Nobody cares right now.
1154
01:10:38,362 --> 01:10:41,830
- Not like a curse is such a big deal.
- Well, if it's not, then solve it for me.
1155
01:10:41,831 --> 01:10:43,595
Okay, it's pretty simple.
1156
01:10:43,596 --> 01:10:46,561
A curse is the universe trying to
make you right a cosmic wrong.
1157
01:10:46,562 --> 01:10:48,894
You have to figure out what
made the curse start and fix it.
1158
01:10:48,895 --> 01:10:51,961
- And how do you know that?
- Duh... the curse of the Bambino.
1159
01:10:51,962 --> 01:10:55,726
By some sort of divine intervention,
the Boston Red Sox got Babe Ruth,
1160
01:10:55,728 --> 01:10:57,576
and they traded him to the Yankees.
1161
01:10:57,578 --> 01:11:00,161
To break the curse,
they had to beat the yanks.
1162
01:11:00,162 --> 01:11:03,994
It took them over 80 fucking years, but they
fixed it. The universe is a cruel bitch.
1163
01:11:03,995 --> 01:11:07,827
You know, Stanley, you can always say,
"I don't know" every once in awhile.
1164
01:11:07,828 --> 01:11:10,594
You don't always have to bullshit every
time there's a pause in the conversation.
1165
01:11:10,595 --> 01:11:14,997
Oh, well, if you have a better idea, why are
you still stuck in the same fucking day?
1166
01:11:15,397 --> 01:11:20,430
Curses are bullshit. Now say sorry and go
conquer that which has been unconquerable.
1167
01:11:20,431 --> 01:11:22,928
- Angela.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
1168
01:11:22,929 --> 01:11:24,528
- I got to go.
- Hey!
1169
01:11:24,529 --> 01:11:27,161
Dude, I'm still waiting
for the apology.
1170
01:11:27,162 --> 01:11:30,022
Kids, tomorrow I'm going to be out
with a substitute and the next day
1171
01:11:30,024 --> 01:11:32,996
I'm gonna have a big story to
tell you all about my mammogram.
1172
01:11:32,997 --> 01:11:34,962
- Uh, Miss Marconi.
- Rob?
1173
01:11:34,963 --> 01:11:37,397
Angela's wanted down
at the main office.
1174
01:11:37,398 --> 01:11:40,129
- Do you have a pass?
- No.
1175
01:11:40,130 --> 01:11:43,595
- Then she can't go with you.
- Uh, fine.
1176
01:11:43,596 --> 01:11:49,729
Angela, tonight. I am coming
over and not for tutoring.
1177
01:11:50,729 --> 01:11:53,029
- Rob.
- What?
1178
01:11:53,529 --> 01:11:57,363
- Spelling bee.
- Seriously? Spelling bee?
1179
01:11:58,663 --> 01:12:01,963
- You okay with that?
- Sure.
1180
01:12:02,363 --> 01:12:05,061
You may continue your class now.
1181
01:12:08,995 --> 01:12:12,661
Okay, I need you to tell me everything
you know about pleasing a woman.
1182
01:12:18,662 --> 01:12:20,429
Jesus.
1183
01:12:20,430 --> 01:12:23,296
He's like the bill
belichick of lady parts.
1184
01:12:24,696 --> 01:12:29,127
- Promise me you won't watch.
- I can make no such promises.
1185
01:12:42,429 --> 01:12:44,694
Aw, motherfucker!
1186
01:12:47,528 --> 01:12:49,129
What made you do this?
1187
01:12:49,130 --> 01:12:52,769
You know, I wanted to for,
like, the longest time,
1188
01:12:52,771 --> 01:12:56,596
and it felt like you were finally
starting to notice me, you know?
1189
01:12:56,597 --> 01:13:00,762
Like, maybe the universe
wanted this to happen.
1190
01:13:01,462 --> 01:13:03,560
(LAUGHS)
1191
01:13:08,029 --> 01:13:11,361
This is really nice. Usually
I'm with older guys, so...
1192
01:13:11,362 --> 01:13:14,629
Yeah, well, I am more romance,
less body hair, so...
1193
01:13:14,630 --> 01:13:17,227
(BOTH LAUGH)
1194
01:13:19,762 --> 01:13:21,694
You know what could be really fun?
1195
01:13:21,695 --> 01:13:24,030
If we stopped studying
altogether and just did this.
1196
01:13:24,031 --> 01:13:26,595
(LAUGHING) Okay.
1197
01:13:26,596 --> 01:13:29,194
That way, I mean, you just have to,
like, hook me up with cheat sheets
1198
01:13:29,196 --> 01:13:32,063
- and write my papers for me.
- (CHUCKLES)
1199
01:13:32,064 --> 01:13:34,595
But I tutor you.
1200
01:13:34,596 --> 01:13:37,162
Yeah, but isn't this better?
1201
01:13:37,163 --> 01:13:39,378
I mean, we can fun during
our study sessions,
1202
01:13:39,380 --> 01:13:41,696
and then you can go home
and do my work after.
1203
01:13:41,697 --> 01:13:43,694
(CHUCKLES)
1204
01:13:46,395 --> 01:13:49,196
(SCOFFS) Okay, but...
1205
01:13:49,198 --> 01:13:52,928
You don't ever have to
act cool around me.
1206
01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:53,928
What?
1207
01:13:53,929 --> 01:13:58,595
I thought that's why you like me,
that and I make you feel safe.
1208
01:13:58,596 --> 01:14:02,294
- (CHUCKLES) I never said that.
- (CHUCKLES)
1209
01:14:04,628 --> 01:14:08,527
You are right. Um... Look,
1210
01:14:08,529 --> 01:14:14,795
Angela, you are obviously very, very hot,
but, you know what? This never works out.
1211
01:14:14,796 --> 01:14:19,962
I mean, I have tried to have sex with
you like six times, and I'm done.
1212
01:14:19,963 --> 01:14:23,994
I mean, I don't know where I'm supposed
to be, but it is definitely not here.
1213
01:14:23,995 --> 01:14:27,827
And I'm sorry... white zinfandel?
What are you? Like, 45?
1214
01:14:27,828 --> 01:14:29,996
Okay, then you can get
the fuck out of here.
1215
01:14:29,997 --> 01:14:31,594
Will do.
1216
01:14:35,229 --> 01:14:39,494
Dick. (SCOFFS) White zin's delish.
1217
01:14:41,129 --> 01:14:43,130
- That was quick.
- Go fuck yourself.
1218
01:14:43,131 --> 01:14:45,161
(WHIMPERS)
1219
01:14:48,495 --> 01:14:50,594
(SIGHS)
1220
01:14:54,561 --> 01:14:58,496
I talked to my buddies in admissions.
You don't think I would have found out
1221
01:14:58,498 --> 01:15:00,994
- that you blew off the interview?
- How'd you even find me?
1222
01:15:00,995 --> 01:15:04,163
I went to Gabrielle's to tear
you away from the spelling bee.
1223
01:15:04,164 --> 01:15:08,528
She told me you went over to
"what's-her-slut's"... her words.
1224
01:15:08,529 --> 01:15:12,428
Dad, it has been a really long day.
1225
01:15:12,429 --> 01:15:16,628
Oh. It's not over yet. Here.
1226
01:15:16,629 --> 01:15:18,160
Put this on.
1227
01:15:30,828 --> 01:15:32,895
There he is.
1228
01:15:32,896 --> 01:15:38,294
Oh, Jesus. Okay.
Get your game face on.
1229
01:15:40,295 --> 01:15:42,695
Jack Roth?
1230
01:15:42,696 --> 01:15:44,095
Yeah?
1231
01:15:44,096 --> 01:15:48,162
I'm Jim Crabbe. This is my son, Rob.
1232
01:15:48,163 --> 01:15:51,196
We talked on the phone before.
1233
01:15:51,796 --> 01:15:55,195
Right. Right.
1234
01:15:55,595 --> 01:15:57,395
Have a seat.
1235
01:15:57,396 --> 01:15:59,461
Great.
1236
01:15:59,462 --> 01:16:01,362
Thanks for seeing us
before you left town.
1237
01:16:01,363 --> 01:16:05,720
Jim, could you go get us
some scotch? Couple scotches?
1238
01:16:05,722 --> 01:16:08,862
- Service here is shit.
- Oh, sure. Okay.
1239
01:16:08,863 --> 01:16:10,362
Um... What'll you have?
1240
01:16:10,363 --> 01:16:16,196
Dewar's on the rocks with
a twist. Make it a double.
1241
01:16:17,196 --> 01:16:19,096
(SIGHS)
1242
01:16:20,096 --> 01:16:22,696
Your dad really wants
you to go to Georgetown.
1243
01:16:22,697 --> 01:16:24,127
Yeah.
1244
01:16:25,695 --> 01:16:27,327
Do you?
1245
01:16:30,062 --> 01:16:32,296
What's going through
your mind right now?
1246
01:16:32,297 --> 01:16:37,127
Just that I can't wait
for this day to be over.
1247
01:16:37,728 --> 01:16:40,694
You and me both.
1248
01:16:43,129 --> 01:16:46,629
My cat shits outside of the box.
1249
01:16:47,629 --> 01:16:53,063
Not down the hall or in the basement or
in my bed, just right outside of the box.
1250
01:16:53,064 --> 01:16:57,062
- It's a big "fuck you."
- Yeah, what's up with that?
1251
01:16:57,063 --> 01:17:02,461
My wife passed away a few months ago.
1252
01:17:02,995 --> 01:17:06,927
And the cat really loved her.
1253
01:17:09,295 --> 01:17:13,862
He wishes I had died instead of her.
That's what he's saying.
1254
01:17:13,863 --> 01:17:18,462
Have you considered that maybe...
your cat's just an asshole?
1255
01:17:20,462 --> 01:17:23,229
He is an asshole.
1256
01:17:23,629 --> 01:17:26,060
Thank you.
1257
01:17:26,428 --> 01:17:29,095
There we go. (CHUCKLES)
1258
01:17:29,096 --> 01:17:32,405
Jim, I was just asking your son
why he wants to go to Georgetown,
1259
01:17:32,407 --> 01:17:38,129
but I would like to hear it from you. Why
do you want him to go to Georgetown?
1260
01:17:38,529 --> 01:17:43,361
Well, my going there was the
transformative experience of my life.
1261
01:17:43,362 --> 01:17:47,863
And you just assume that what was
best for you is also the best for him?
1262
01:17:47,864 --> 01:17:51,316
Let me put it this way.
I had a choice.
1263
01:17:51,318 --> 01:17:54,161
It was either Georgetown or Yale.
1264
01:17:54,162 --> 01:17:57,129
Why did you choose Georgetown?
1265
01:17:57,729 --> 01:18:01,596
I actually... I didn't choose it.
1266
01:18:01,796 --> 01:18:04,694
Georgetown gave me a scholarship.
1267
01:18:05,928 --> 01:18:11,363
Sometimes the universe has a way of helping
when you're about to make a mistake.
1268
01:18:11,763 --> 01:18:14,529
You're on fire tonight.
Let's get some more drinks.
1269
01:18:14,530 --> 01:18:18,030
- Yeah. I'll get them. I'll get them.
- Okay.
1270
01:18:20,030 --> 01:18:22,429
(SIGHS)
1271
01:18:23,429 --> 01:18:26,528
- Is it French?
- Yes.
1272
01:18:26,529 --> 01:18:31,795
- Can I have the definition, please?
- "To determine or appoint beforehand."
1273
01:18:31,796 --> 01:18:33,827
Can you use it in a sentence, please?
1274
01:18:33,828 --> 01:18:36,096
It is debated whether
the events of our lives
1275
01:18:36,097 --> 01:18:40,561
are foreordained or the
product of our own brain."
1276
01:18:44,361 --> 01:18:46,695
I don't want to go to Georgetown.
1277
01:18:46,696 --> 01:18:51,762
- But all...
- Don't... react. Just feel.
1278
01:18:51,763 --> 01:18:53,794
Maybe I want to go.
Maybe not. It doesn't matter.
1279
01:18:53,795 --> 01:18:56,030
I'll go to a good school
no matter what, but...
1280
01:18:56,031 --> 01:19:01,528
The only thing I know right now
is that I really like Gabrielle.
1281
01:19:01,529 --> 01:19:05,128
(CHUCKLES) Like, a lot, and, uh...
1282
01:19:05,129 --> 01:19:09,562
Every time today plays out,
I fuck it up.
1283
01:19:09,563 --> 01:19:13,529
And I'm not gonna let it happen again.
Gabrielle is my Georgetown.
1284
01:19:13,530 --> 01:19:17,395
I have no idea what that means,
but I support you.
1285
01:19:17,396 --> 01:19:19,628
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
1286
01:19:19,629 --> 01:19:22,328
It's gonna be okay.
1287
01:19:22,329 --> 01:19:24,561
Can I have my headband back?
1288
01:19:24,562 --> 01:19:25,927
Yeah.
1289
01:19:35,395 --> 01:19:38,661
- Looks better on you.
- (CHUCKLES) Thanks, Jack.
1290
01:19:38,662 --> 01:19:40,562
Let's go get that fucking girl!
1291
01:19:40,563 --> 01:19:43,427
- Okeydoke.
- Yeah.
1292
01:19:53,161 --> 01:19:55,161
Get in!
1293
01:19:57,528 --> 01:19:59,862
- Can you drive?
- Sure.
1294
01:19:59,863 --> 01:20:03,296
- Okay.
- Why don't we get some fries, too?
1295
01:20:04,596 --> 01:20:06,395
Okay, so what do I do?
1296
01:20:06,396 --> 01:20:10,160
- Well, it's too late to knock.
- Which one is her window?
1297
01:20:12,194 --> 01:20:16,693
The light's still flickering.
Okay. Yes!
1298
01:20:18,228 --> 01:20:23,494
During your darkest time, why was there
only one set of footprints in the sand?
1299
01:20:25,261 --> 01:20:29,095
- What?
- Because I carried you, brother.
1300
01:20:30,095 --> 01:20:32,427
Get over here.
1301
01:20:34,428 --> 01:20:36,560
What are we doing?
1302
01:20:37,261 --> 01:20:39,860
You're gonna need a boost.
1303
01:20:41,628 --> 01:20:43,860
(GRUNTING)
1304
01:20:49,395 --> 01:20:51,995
- What are you doing?
- I need to talk to you.
1305
01:20:51,996 --> 01:20:54,428
(EXHALES)
1306
01:20:54,429 --> 01:20:57,795
I didn't have sex with Angela.
(CHUCKLES)
1307
01:20:57,796 --> 01:20:58,695
N-o...
1308
01:20:58,696 --> 01:21:01,036
- Did you hear me?
- Yeah.
1309
01:21:01,038 --> 01:21:03,896
You didn't bang the
school slut. What a hero.
1310
01:21:03,897 --> 01:21:07,196
- Get the fuck out of my room.
- Gabs, come on.
1311
01:21:07,396 --> 01:21:08,162
(TV TURNS OFF)
1312
01:21:08,163 --> 01:21:10,495
Stop it, okay?
1313
01:21:11,495 --> 01:21:13,761
- (TV TURNS ON)
- (TV TURNS OFF)
1314
01:21:15,961 --> 01:21:18,696
- Really?
- I'll buy you a new one. Just...
1315
01:21:18,698 --> 01:21:23,715
Listen, okay? When I woke up this
morning, I expected to be here tonight.
1316
01:21:23,717 --> 01:21:28,286
I mean, I couldn't imagine a scenario
where I wouldn't have been, but...
1317
01:21:28,288 --> 01:21:33,296
I lost sight of that. But I'm
here now, curse or no curse.
1318
01:21:33,496 --> 01:21:36,695
Rob! How's it going up there?
1319
01:21:36,696 --> 01:21:40,361
- Who's that?
- That is my Georgetown interviewer.
1320
01:21:40,362 --> 01:21:44,493
Rob, how's it going?! With the girl?!
1321
01:21:46,561 --> 01:21:47,594
What are they doing here?
1322
01:21:47,595 --> 01:21:51,396
We had a drink at the hotel.
Shit got deep. Just listen, okay?
1323
01:21:51,397 --> 01:21:54,361
I thought that I had
feelings for Angela.
1324
01:21:54,362 --> 01:21:55,943
- Rob, leave.
- Well, just let me finish.
1325
01:21:55,945 --> 01:21:58,696
- Angela isn't...
- Ugh! This isn't about Angela!
1326
01:21:58,697 --> 01:22:01,896
Just... get out.
1327
01:22:02,396 --> 01:22:04,660
I'm not going anywhere.
1328
01:22:07,395 --> 01:22:09,595
Okay. Fine.
1329
01:22:10,095 --> 01:22:13,528
I can end this. I just
have to finish you off.
1330
01:22:13,529 --> 01:22:16,160
Then you're out of my room and
you're back in yours. Okay?
1331
01:22:16,161 --> 01:22:17,561
- What?
- Let's go. Come on.
1332
01:22:17,562 --> 01:22:19,993
Whoa! Don't... do that.
Hey, whoa! Hold on!
1333
01:22:19,994 --> 01:22:22,060
- It'll be over really fast.
- Gabs, seriously, stop!
1334
01:22:22,061 --> 01:22:24,427
- Don't touch me!
- 'Cause that's not hurtful.
1335
01:22:24,428 --> 01:22:26,960
Well, if you would just...
Gabrielle, what are you doing?!
1336
01:22:26,961 --> 01:22:28,460
Take off your pants
so I can be alone!
1337
01:22:28,461 --> 01:22:29,596
- Gabrielle!
- (DOOR OPENS)
1338
01:22:29,597 --> 01:22:32,528
- Oh, shit.
- Hi, Dad.
1339
01:22:32,529 --> 01:22:35,861
Oh, thank God, sir.
1340
01:22:35,862 --> 01:22:39,761
Please don't leave, because
your daughter... (SCOFFS)
1341
01:22:39,762 --> 01:22:43,671
She was trying to take
advantage of me, and, uh...
1342
01:22:43,673 --> 01:22:48,830
I just want to assure you that I do
not wish to do anything physical
1343
01:22:48,832 --> 01:22:53,295
with or to her. (CHUCKLES) Right now.
1344
01:22:53,296 --> 01:22:57,962
I'd feel a lot better about this if
you put your shirt back on... dear.
1345
01:22:58,362 --> 01:23:02,593
Yeah. Sure. Here you go. (CHUCKLES)
1346
01:23:03,061 --> 01:23:08,195
So... look, I'll leave,
if that's what you want, but...
1347
01:23:08,895 --> 01:23:14,395
I just want to say, um... I don't
know what I'd do without you.
1348
01:23:14,396 --> 01:23:18,129
I mean, you're, like, the only way
that I can get through the day.
1349
01:23:18,629 --> 01:23:23,093
Every night before I go to sleep,
I check to see if you texted me.
1350
01:23:23,994 --> 01:23:27,396
I mean, you were the one who told me to
stop wearing white socks with black pants.
1351
01:23:27,397 --> 01:23:28,927
It's not a good look.
1352
01:23:28,928 --> 01:23:32,696
You give me raisins in third period
so my blood sugar doesn't go low.
1353
01:23:32,697 --> 01:23:35,061
You don't eat properly.
1354
01:23:35,062 --> 01:23:37,260
You download Hall And
Oates songs onto my phone.
1355
01:23:37,261 --> 01:23:39,296
That started as a joke,
but now I like them.
1356
01:23:39,297 --> 01:23:42,893
- (LAUGHS) Me too.
- I love H&O.
1357
01:23:44,728 --> 01:23:48,969
Look, today has been terrible,
Gabrielle, each version of it,
1358
01:23:48,971 --> 01:23:55,361
but it's been worth it because today's the
day I finally realized how much I like you.
1359
01:23:55,362 --> 01:24:00,642
And now all I want to do is just sit...
several feet away from you
1360
01:24:00,644 --> 01:24:02,962
and watch the spelling bee.
1361
01:24:03,362 --> 01:24:06,894
But I obviously ruined
all that, so...
1362
01:24:06,895 --> 01:24:13,027
I'm just going to leave the way I
came in and hope I get another shot.
1363
01:24:25,461 --> 01:24:27,529
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh, shit.
1364
01:24:27,596 --> 01:24:29,806
So, um...
1365
01:24:31,105 --> 01:24:35,161
you're at that age.
You're gonna start having feelings.
1366
01:24:35,162 --> 01:24:37,062
Dad, I'd really be more comfortable
talking to mom about this.
1367
01:24:37,063 --> 01:24:40,428
Great. She'll be home later. Okay.
1368
01:24:40,828 --> 01:24:43,427
Okay, just go... go ahead and jump.
Just count to three and do it.
1369
01:24:43,428 --> 01:24:46,329
Yeah, but you're gonna want
to tuck and roll when you hit.
1370
01:24:46,330 --> 01:24:49,695
Go for a break, not a sprain.
Heals faster.
1371
01:24:49,696 --> 01:24:54,395
That's reassuring. Okay, three...
1372
01:24:54,396 --> 01:24:56,428
two...
1373
01:24:56,828 --> 01:25:00,029
You want to watch the
rest of the spelling bee?
1374
01:25:00,030 --> 01:25:01,829
Yeah.
1375
01:25:02,329 --> 01:25:04,062
Can you help me up now, please?
1376
01:25:04,063 --> 01:25:06,927
- Yeah. Yes. I can.
- Thank you.
1377
01:25:06,928 --> 01:25:10,129
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- What did I tell you?
1378
01:25:11,828 --> 01:25:15,061
- Love is alive!
- (CHUCKLES)
1379
01:25:15,062 --> 01:25:17,661
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1380
01:25:18,161 --> 01:25:20,494
Use it in a sentence?
1381
01:25:22,528 --> 01:25:24,895
(SIGHS)
1382
01:25:26,895 --> 01:25:28,828
(SIGHS)
1383
01:25:29,828 --> 01:25:34,428
- This one looks young.
- Yeah, yeah. It's his first bee, so...
1384
01:25:34,429 --> 01:25:36,362
(ON TV)
Is the language of origin French?
1385
01:25:36,363 --> 01:25:40,961
Origin. That is a great stall.
Don't spell it till you know it.
1386
01:25:40,962 --> 01:25:43,862
Oh, no. He's imploding.
1387
01:25:44,362 --> 01:25:47,394
- Oh, God. I can't watch.
- Oh, don't be such a pussy. Come on.
1388
01:25:47,395 --> 01:25:50,826
- Mnh-mnh. Nope. I'm not gonna watch it.
- Come on! Don't be s... oh, wow!
1389
01:25:50,827 --> 01:25:53,360
No, okay, you know what?
(LAUGHING) That's really bad.
1390
01:25:53,361 --> 01:25:57,162
(ON TV) Unfortunately, you've gone
over your allotted time.
1391
01:25:57,163 --> 01:25:59,560
You must leave the stage.
1392
01:26:01,094 --> 01:26:04,826
Does anyone know where his mother is?
1393
01:26:07,561 --> 01:26:10,428
I've liked you since we first met.
1394
01:26:10,928 --> 01:26:13,029
- When I had my lisp?
- (LISPING) Yes.
1395
01:26:13,030 --> 01:26:15,094
(CHUCKLES)
1396
01:26:15,095 --> 01:26:20,263
I was gonna tell you tonight, and then
I was hoping that the beer would help
1397
01:26:20,265 --> 01:26:22,761
and not make me burp.
1398
01:26:22,762 --> 01:26:24,628
(BOTH LAUGH)
1399
01:26:26,628 --> 01:26:30,293
I was always hoping we'd
be each other's firsts.
1400
01:26:31,528 --> 01:26:33,560
Me too.
1401
01:26:43,361 --> 01:26:45,129
What do you think's
going on in there?
1402
01:26:45,130 --> 01:26:49,994
I think... it feels kind of weird.
1403
01:26:49,995 --> 01:26:53,360
Shush. Do you hear that?
1404
01:26:54,428 --> 01:26:55,994
This feels awkward.
1405
01:26:55,995 --> 01:26:59,893
I feel... I feel unusually
comfortable.
1406
01:27:02,727 --> 01:27:05,761
- (LAUGHING) Okay.
- (CHUCKLES)
1407
01:27:05,762 --> 01:27:08,495
- Should we?
- Yes.
1408
01:27:08,496 --> 01:27:11,495
I mean, like, now?
1409
01:27:11,496 --> 01:27:13,962
Okay, but you should know I
haven't had the best luck with...
1410
01:27:13,963 --> 01:27:17,627
Rob, just try and relax.
1411
01:27:18,627 --> 01:27:20,727
Oh. Oh, no. Oh, God.
1412
01:27:20,728 --> 01:27:22,961
(GASPING)
1413
01:27:22,962 --> 01:27:26,793
I... I'm sorry. I'm... (MOANING)
1414
01:27:40,228 --> 01:27:44,296
Rob? What happened?
1415
01:27:45,296 --> 01:27:48,259
I mean, besides the obvious.
1416
01:27:50,028 --> 01:27:52,594
I'm not in my bed.
1417
01:27:54,194 --> 01:27:56,527
I'm in your bed.
1418
01:27:57,527 --> 01:28:00,095
And my mom's not here.
1419
01:28:00,595 --> 01:28:04,362
- Do you need raisins?
- No.
1420
01:28:05,764 --> 01:28:08,295
I don't need anything.
1421
01:28:08,296 --> 01:28:11,660
I am right where I'm supposed to be.
1422
01:28:14,827 --> 01:28:17,661
- You know what?
- What?
1423
01:28:17,662 --> 01:28:19,728
We should have done
something like this sooner.
1424
01:28:19,729 --> 01:28:20,627
(CHUCKLES)
1425
01:28:20,628 --> 01:28:22,761
I've always wanted to.
1426
01:28:22,762 --> 01:28:24,994
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1427
01:28:25,594 --> 01:28:28,027
Let's try it again.
1428
01:28:28,028 --> 01:28:29,161
(CHUCKLES)
1429
01:28:29,162 --> 01:28:32,360
(GROUPLOVE'S "TONGUE TIED" PLAYS)
1430
01:28:34,794 --> 01:28:38,094
That is a wrap! We have a champion!
1431
01:28:38,095 --> 01:28:40,360
Yay!
1432
01:28:42,395 --> 01:28:46,862
♪ Take me to your best friend's house
Goin' 'round this roundabout ♪
1433
01:28:46,863 --> 01:28:49,162
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
1434
01:28:51,162 --> 01:28:55,329
♪ Take me to your best friend's house
I loved you then, I love you now ♪
1435
01:28:55,330 --> 01:28:59,328
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
1436
01:28:59,728 --> 01:29:04,160
♪ Don't take me tongue tied ♪
1437
01:29:05,094 --> 01:29:08,362
So, why do you want
to go to Georgetown?
1438
01:29:08,862 --> 01:29:10,460
George who?
1439
01:29:10,461 --> 01:29:15,228
Smart. Beautiful. You're
exactly what Georgetown needs.
1440
01:29:15,229 --> 01:29:19,361
- Are you married?
- No. Not anymore. (CHUCKLES)
1441
01:29:19,362 --> 01:29:23,161
My wife is dead. (LAUGHS)
1442
01:29:23,162 --> 01:29:25,062
♪ Normally we're making out ♪
1443
01:29:25,063 --> 01:29:27,962
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
1444
01:29:28,962 --> 01:29:31,461
♪ Oh, take me to your
best friend's house ♪
1445
01:29:31,462 --> 01:29:34,727
She curb-stomped my genitals.
With her shoes.
1446
01:29:34,728 --> 01:29:36,396
You should have punched
her in the pussy.
1447
01:29:36,397 --> 01:29:38,395
(LAUGHS)
1448
01:29:38,396 --> 01:29:41,362
- Harder!
- Do it!
1449
01:29:42,362 --> 01:29:44,861
Give her a tit bruise!
1450
01:29:44,862 --> 01:29:46,727
Give her a tit bruise!
1451
01:29:46,728 --> 01:29:50,794
Squeeze her tit until milk comes out!
1452
01:29:50,795 --> 01:29:52,093
(HIGH-PITCHED) Hi, daddy.
1453
01:29:52,094 --> 01:29:54,229
- (NORMAL VOICE) Fucking...
- (LAUGHTER)
1454
01:29:54,230 --> 01:29:56,061
No, I can do this.
1455
01:29:56,062 --> 01:29:59,662
(HIGH-PITCHED) Hi, daddy.
Welcome to my pu pu platter.
1456
01:29:59,663 --> 01:30:01,560
- (LAUGHTER)
- Fuck.
1457
01:30:01,561 --> 01:30:03,694
I'll do anything. Anything.
1458
01:30:03,695 --> 01:30:06,129
Put my finger in my butt
and make me pump it.
1459
01:30:06,130 --> 01:30:09,094
I help you jerk off.
I make you explode.
1460
01:30:09,095 --> 01:30:12,761
Do me doggie style and
then we can eat dog.
1461
01:30:12,762 --> 01:30:14,394
(LAUGHTER)
1462
01:30:14,395 --> 01:30:17,829
I've had, like, seven
orgasms so far today.
1463
01:30:18,229 --> 01:30:19,961
Seven?
1464
01:30:20,961 --> 01:30:23,328
That's three more than me.
1465
01:30:23,329 --> 01:30:25,195
Seven?
1466
01:30:25,895 --> 01:30:27,762
You have to come to Georgetown.
1467
01:30:27,763 --> 01:30:31,627
You can make a lot
of money, young man.
1468
01:30:31,628 --> 01:30:33,593
(LAUGHING) That is so... wow.
1469
01:30:33,594 --> 01:30:34,995
- (LAUGHTER)
- Is that selling it?
1470
01:30:34,996 --> 01:30:38,660
(BOTH GASPING)
1471
01:30:40,994 --> 01:30:43,561
(BOTH LAUGH)
1472
01:30:43,562 --> 01:30:46,495
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
1473
01:30:47,495 --> 01:30:49,762
♪ Take me to your
best friend's house ♪
1474
01:30:49,763 --> 01:30:56,194
♪ I loved you then, I love you now ♪
1475
01:30:56,195 --> 01:31:00,360
♪ Don't leave me tongue tied ♪
1476
01:31:00,361 --> 01:31:04,594
♪ Don't wave no goodbyes ♪
1477
01:31:04,595 --> 01:31:08,727
♪ Don't leave me tongue tied ♪
1478
01:31:08,728 --> 01:31:13,294
♪ Do-o-o-o-n't ♪
1479
01:31:13,295 --> 01:31:17,460
♪ Don't leave me tongue tied ♪
1480
01:31:17,461 --> 01:31:21,694
♪ Don't wave no goodbye ♪
1481
01:31:21,695 --> 01:31:26,028
♪ Don't leave me tongue tied ♪
1482
01:31:26,029 --> 01:31:32,426
♪ Do-o-o-o-n't ♪118440
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