Original subtitles

♪Stick a pony in me pocket♪

♪I'll fetch the suitcase from the van♪

♪ 'Cos if you want the best 'uns, but you don't ask questions♪

♪Then, brother, I'm your man!♪

♪'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery♪

♪It's like the changing seasons and the tides of the sea♪

♪But here's the one that's driving me berserk:♪

♪Why do only fools and horses work?♪

♪♪

Now come and listen to this. I've come here to sell my wares,

I didn't come here to be laughed at or mucked about.

I've come here to sell my wares. They're guaranteed,

guaranteed to cure hard core, soft core and pimples on the tongue.

-(laughter) -Right, now,

What we've got here today, I'll tell you what we're doing,

We've got the Musta F80 in-car radio cassette player

as recommended by Nigel Mansell.

-(laughter) -No, no, this is straight up.

I would lie to you, would I, with something as important as this.

It's solid state of the art technology,this.

And this isnone of your Japanese or your German rubbish.

No, sir, this is actually made in Albania.

Seriously, let me show you, let me point out some of the advantages

of this wonderful machine. It's got multiple pre-sets,

synthesised tuners, digital scan, auto-reverse, graphic equalisers.

It's got MW, FM, VHF, LCD, RMS, B&Q, and ICI.

And it comes complete with two, not one,

two- count them, one, two- quadraphone speakers.

And I'm also giving away free, with this technological miracle,

one Kylie Minogue LP.

Wait a minute, only £10.99... No, listen, don't walk away.

You could regret this for the rest of yourlife.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do,

Forget the Kylie Minogue LP, right? Ten quid.

Ten quid, first come first served.

-Hello, Albert. -Oh, hello, love.

What are you up to?

I am Trotters Independent Traders executive looker.

The day Rodney went to work for your dad, I got promotion.

Oh, yeah? Wish it was that easy for me.

Have the bank said something about your new job?

No. I had to sit an interview yesterday.

My boss said he'll speak on my behalf, so it's fingers crossed.

You'll get your promotion, Cassandra. I feel it in my bones.

It'll make a lovely anniversary present for you!

Talking of anniversary presents, I know what Del's got for you.

Yeah. But you know me, I ain't saying nothin'.

Yeah. Don't want to spoil the surprise.

-Oh, go on, spoil it! -All right, then.

-A car radio. -A car rad...?

I've already got a radio in my car.

Have ya? It'll do for Rodney then.

Oh, yeah, look really good on his bike, won't it?

Well, maybe Del's looking to the future.

When you get your new job, you and Rodney'll be a two-car family.

Think it'd be a long time before Rodney and I become a two-car family.

Yeah, but you've only been married a year.

First two or three are always a struggle.

It was the same with me and my wife.

Yeah, she used to write and say how tough it was.

What do you mean she used to write?

I was at sea. There was a war on.

Look. I found this this morning at the bottom of my duffel bag.

I ain't seen it for years, I thought I lost it.

Look, Uncle Albert, I've only got one hour for my lunch!

It was midnight, we sailed into this little harbour.

On board this Greek herring trawler. That was our cover, see?

Oi!

What is your game?

You're supposed to be on look-out. I haven't seen you look at anything.

The entire massed band of the Metropolitan Police

could march through here playing I Shot the Sheriff

and you wouldn't see nothing!

It's Cassandra, she wanted to know where I won my medal.

-Yeah, it was my fault then, I'm sorry. -No.

Anyways, I'd better get going, I've got to get some shopping in.

Oh yeah? What's that for? Tomorrow night's anniversary dinner, aye?

What time d'you want us there?

I thought Rodney said we'd take you and Albert to a restaurant at a later date.

Yes, I know, and I told Rodney that was far too expensive.

No, you've got to look after your pennies now, sweetheart.

The thing is, Del, it's not so much an anniversary dinner, it's more business.

I've invited a couple of people along from the bank.

I'm worried you'll get bored.

No, don't worry about us. This is your night.

And we don't want to let you down. You're family now.

-Right? -Yeah.

-Eight o'clock okay? -Yeah, lovely jubbly!

-(baby crying) -Hello, Del. Hello, darling.

-Marlene. -Can I look?

Yeah, if you want. But, I'm warning you,

he ain't at his best. Miserable little git.

He's missing his morning nap. Ain't you, darling?

-(baby cries) -Oh, he's most probably got wind.

Oh, look at him!

He's a little cracker, in't he, aye? He does remind me of Boycie.

-What, the eyes? -No, no. The wind.

-What have you named him? -We've called him Tiler.

Tiler? Nice.

Of course, if it'd been a girl, they'd have called it Ruth.

Then he'd be known as Rufa.

Really?

No! It's only...

What's up with you two?

Hello, Albert. Gaul, blarney, it's not another medal, is it?

Yeah. Act of bravery in the Aegean Sea.

I was on this Greek herring trawler when suddenly,

out the darkness, come this German torpedo boat.

Albert. You must have come back with more medals

than the Russian Olympic squad!

I didn't ask for hem. They kept giving hem to me.

-(baby crying) - Oh, shut up, Tiler!

Give him here,give him here.

I'm a natural with kids.

All right, everyoneI'm off then. Nice to see you.

Yes, Cassandra. Ta ta, now, love. Good-bye.

That Cassandra's a nice girl, isn't she?

-Mmm. -Rodney was lucky marrying her.

Yeah. And I was lumbered with the Old Man of the Sea, that.

Talking of sea, Boycie just told me you're off on a beano to Margate.

Oh, the Jolly Boys Outing. Yeah, well, I organise it.

If he gets up to anything with a bird in Margate, I hold you responsible.

Oh, we won't get up to nothing. We'll only be there a couple of hours.

He don't need a couple of hours. Thirty seconds does him!

So there I was, at the wheel of this Greek herring trawler,

sailing into the unknown.

It was 23:00 hours, and the night was blacker than a bailiff's heart.

So, where's Rodney working now?

Oh, he's working with Alan, you, know,

Cassandra's dad, down at the printing works.

What he managed to keep that job?

Yeah, and he's doing nicely. Oh yeah.

Works in the computer section.

-Oh? -Had a trainee started last month.

-Showed him all the ropes. -Yeah, Rodney will soon pick it up.

No, Rodney's showing the trainee all the ropes!

Oh!

And out the darkness came this German torpedo boat.

Quick as a flash, without giving a second's thought to me own safety,

or anyone elses, I swung the wheel to port

and sent the trawler right across the German boat's bow.

We were slightly damaged, but Jerry sunk within a minute.

That's why they gave me this medal.

One day, if you're lucky, you might win one of these.

But then again, hopefully not.

Now, what you've got to understand Marlene,

Is that Rodney's in charge of the whole computer section.

The entire thing. I don't know where

that firm would be without Rodney.

(beeping sounds)

Shit!

That's the second time I've done that today.

(machinery whirring)

-How's it going, Rodney? -Oh, fine.

You got those print-outs ready for the bank yet?

Shouldn't be long, Alan.

I'd be very careful if I was you,

you've wiped them off today once already.

Oh. (laughing)

No problem.

So, what have you bought Cassandra for your anniversary then?

Oh, it was...

clothing.

Clothing? Lovely.

Well, I expect I'll see it tomorrow night, she'll wear it at the dinner.

-I don't think she will, Alan. -Why not?

Oh. Oh...

(chuckles nervously)

Well, I'm really looking forward to your anniversary dinner.

Yeah, well so was I, till I found out she's invited that Stephen and Joanne.

Well, now you've gotta be fair, son.

You know, Stephen is the assistant head of the bank's

oversea's investment bureau. He's Cassie's boss.

She's applied for promotion, so she's got to stay on his good side.

I know. But he's such a yuppy!

He's all that: "Oh, yeah, for sure!

And all that: "Okay, can I just run this past you?" Prat!

Yeah, yeah, I can't stand him either, but he's the sort of man

that might do the company good one of these days.

I'd rather have him inside the tent spitting out, than outside spitting in!

-Understand? -Yeah. Of course I do.

Look, if Cassie is lucky enough to get this promotion,

one of her jobs, and one of her duties, will be entertaining at home.

So she's invited Stephen and his wife along to prove that she can

-throw a good dinner party. -Yeah, I know.

Take no notice of me, right, I'm just overreacting.

Well, we'll all be on our best behaviour,

make a good impression for our little Cassie.

Yeah.

Alan...

-I've invited Del and Albert. -You what?

I had to. Well, they're family.

Well, I don't suppose she'd have been very happy in a new job anyway.

Excuse me, sir.

Oh. What?

It's just all that data you had on your screen, it's on my one now.

Well, of course it is.

They don't know they're born do they?

(laughter)

All right, at first glance it may appear to be slightly off the wall.

But the word in the City is Big Bucks-Ville.

Right, so what is this big secret then?

Well, Stephen's about tell you, if you give him half a chance.

Alan, this is no stock market secret, or inside information.

It is merely my humble opinion, for what it's worth.

Okay, let me run this one past you. Try and get your heads round this.

I'm going to say one word. But bear in mind

I'm talking future long-term investment, ja?

-It's "hang in there" time. -Ja, for sure.

Look, this is the bottom line. Take it on board if you wish.

The word is... Africa.

Africa. Africa. I'll make a note of that in my Filofax.

If I may, Stephen. Got a pen?

No.

The two main ladies in my life, Joanne and Cassie,

know where I'm coming from onthis one.

Stephen was telling me about the projected

world growth areas the other day over brunch.

And Africa is where it's at.

Recently, Joanne and I spent time a little time down in Afrique-sur-Mer.

-(laughter) -FabriqueBelgique.

This is it...

Fruit produce, ja?With the introduction of new technology,

we could be talking returns of left-field proportions.

Take the banana crop alone. We're into mega-growth.

Well, you can't go wrong, Stephen. The bigger the banana, the better.

For sure. And statistically, we are talking...

What?

I was saying that, it's easier to sell bigger bananas than little 'uns!

What do you think?

Ah, Del, I think, when Stephen's talking about growth,

he's talking about financial investment, not about the actual size of a banana.

Oh, yeah. No, yeah, no. I just wasn't sure.

-Coffee, everyone? -Mummy, I was about to do that.

That's all right, darling.

You were talking with Stephen,

so I thought I may as well just make myself useful.

It's a lovely little flat, Cassandra. Everything's so well co-ordinated.

That's cause Rodney has got a GCE in art.

-Liqueurs, anyone? Dad? -Oh, yeah. I'll have a scotch, love.

Ah, make it a small port, please.

-Roddy? -Mmm.

Roddy. Roddy.

-Albert, she calls him Roddy, la! -(laughter)

-Derek? -Yes, brandy, please, Pamela.

Armagnac?

Yeah, that'll do if you're out of brandy.

-I'll have a rum, dear. -Yes, we know!

-I'll stay with the wine. -Yeah, same here.

I've got to be up early in the morning. Playing baseball.

Oh, baseball? Yeah, no, I love it.

Always watch it on Channel Four.

You don't like baseball. You've always called it Silly Boys' Rounders.

Yeah, that was before I knew it was in.

Nowadays it's the sort of game guys like me and Stephen enjoy.

How do you mean? "Me and Stephen"?

-Well, you know, yuppies. -Yup..?

Derek, I am not a yuppy.

You are, Stephen! You are, guaranteed!

No, no...

Come on, take it from me, son. You are!

Okay, well you going to give me the chance

to wipe the floor with you at Trivial Pursuit, or not?

-Oh, yeah, brill! -Right, yeah!

Trivial Pursuit, aye? Lovely jubbly!

How d'you play it?

The thing is, Del, it's all about general knowledge.

You know, it's a bit intellectual.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah, some of the questions

are really difficult. It could be a bit embarrassing.

Don't worry, I'll help you two out.

-So, what part of Africa did you go to? -I'll bet he's been there.

-The trip ended at Dar Es Salaam. -I've been there!

Okay, this is really boring! We left Nairobi, then went south to Moshi,

across the Serengeti to Musoma.

Then the long trek east to the coast.

During the war...

During the war, we pursued a German battleship down the eastern

coast right through the Zanzibar Channel.

Three days and nights we chased it.

-Did you catch it? -Ah, worse luck. It sunk us.

Must find that holiday brochure for Cassandra.

Ja, for sure. Try and get your heads round this, okay?

Imagine the sun setting on the vast waters of Lake Victoria.

100,000 wildebeest grazing on the Masai Steppe, ja?

Oh, ja! Wonderful!

A misty, sleepy dawn rises to reveal

Kilimanjaro in all its hypnotic majesty.

↑ Oh, it sounds great!

We're all going on a beano to Margate next Saturday.

-Want to come? -Me?

-You. -Yeah, it sounds great.

But it's Bank Holiday weekend, and Joanne and I spend them together.

No, I'm going to Mummy and Daddy's next Saturday, remember?

It's better than being on your own, Stephen.

It'll get you out of the out routine.

No, I mean I... I wouldn't know anyone.

-'Course you will. Rodney's going. -You're going?

Yeah. It's a tradition, you know.

-It's the Jolly Boys Outing. -The what?

It's the Jolly Boys Outing. Been for years.

You can't stop Rodney from going, darling.

After all, it's only a day out. It will do him good.

Yeah. Anyway, your dad will be there to keep an eye on him.

Wouldn't you, Alan?

You're going on this beano?

Well, I thought a bit of sea air will do me good.

You're going to get drunk, aren't you?

-Make yourself sick on jellied eels. -I'm not going to drink anything.

I'm not going to eat. I'm just going to enjoy myself.

Okay, well, who threw the highest number? Was it me?

-No. Del did. -Yeah, think it was me.

Roll again, Derek. And I'll ask the questions.

There we go - four. What do I do now?

Is this me here? One, two, three, four.

Oh, S & N.

S & N? What's S & N?

-Science and Nature. -Right!

Oh, golly! It's so simple!

"What is a female swan called?"

What is a... female swan called?

-You don't know? -I do.

But it's stuck in the back of me brain.

Give us a clue? Three letters.

Come on, now.There's nothing in the rules about clues!

All right. Female swan, three letters. Um...

Uh, wait a minute... Oh, got it!

-It's a Bic! -We're off and running!

♪Help by Bananarama♪

♪ When I was younger, so much younger than today♪

♪Never needed anybody's help in any way♪

♪But now those days are gone, I'm not so self-assured♪

♪Now I find I've changed my mind, And opened up the door♪

♪Help me if you can, I'm feeling down♪

♪And I do appreciate you being round♪

♪Help me get my feet back on the ground♪

♪Won't you plee-ease, please, help me? Help me!♪

-Get out, you noisy little git! -Supposed to be enjoying yourself.

You're on a beano, you're supposed to be enjoying yourself.

I haven't had my full quota of sleep and I'm starving hungry.

Why did we have to leave before breakfast?

Don't you read the papers, Albert? The railways are on strike.

-So? -And it's Bank Holiday weekend,

which means the roads'll be choc-a-bloc. That's why we left early.

Now repeat that back to me, I want to make sure you understand.

I'll give you a clump round the ear in a minute!

Del, you reckon I could get something to eat?

'Course. Denzil's in charge of the sandwiches.

Tell you what, you sit there, I'll get some for you, all right?

Lazy old git!

You gotta give Del his dues, ain't cha?

-He did all the catering by himself. -Leave off, Jevon!

Can you see Del Boy standing in the kitchen, cutting up all them loaves?

He probably got some idiot to do it for him.

No, I made hem for him.

♪ When I was younger Younger than today ♪

♪I never needed anybody's help in any way♪

Here, want some bitter to wash it down with?

Denzil, what is your game?

Don't you realize the damage that stuff does to you!

-They're antibiotics. -What?

Antibiotics. The doctor prescribed them. And I don't need that.

I'm not supposed to drink with hem. I've got this infection.

Oh, have you?

-It's in the ear. -How d'you get it there?

-It's an ear infection. -Oh!

Listen, Del, you won't tell the others about this, will you?

I mean,these days, people get the wrong idea about this sort of thing.

Come on, don't be silly, Denzil. 'Course I won't.

-It's just an ear infection, that's all. -I-I-I...

Denzil, you don't have to prove yourself to me, do you? I'm your mate.

-Cheers, Del. -It's all right.

By the way, there's been a change in plan.

You're no longer in charge of the sandwiches.

Michael, your luck's changed. You're in charge of the grub.

(laughs)

-Oi! I want a word with you. -Yes?

-What is it, Sid? -I own a cafe, right?

Yeah, right, so what?

So why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches?

Well, the explanation is simple. We intend to eat them.

-Oh. All right. -All right.

Well, lads, only another ten minutes, then we'll be at the halfway house.

That's when the serious stuff begins!

(cheering)

Make those lagers long and cool!

Yes! Look out, Margate, and lock up your daughters, aye?

-All right, Alan? -Yeah, I'm all right, son.

-There you are. Salad. -Cheers.

There's cheese for you, Ted.

There you go, Denzil.

Where is he? You promised not to say anything!

Sorry, Denzil, it just sort of slipped out.

Unclean!

ALL CHANTING: Unclean!

Hey, Del, there you are, mate. There's the half-way house.

Yeah! Lovely jubbly!

♪Three, five, seven, nine on a little white line♪

♪Motorway sun comin' up with the mornin' light♪

♪Whizz kid sitting pretty on your two wheels stallion♪

♪♪

♪Ain't no use settin' up with a bad companion♪

-Have you seen Del Boy around? -Well, we was here just now.

Why? What's up?

I think Old Harry's had too much to drink.

He's fallen over twice. Now he's juggling pickled eggs.

-So what's that to do with Del? -Well, Del organised this outing,

so it's his responsibility. I'll try the other bar.

-Mike! It is you, innit? -I don't believe it!

Eddie Chambers. I heard you emigrated.

That's right, yeah. I had a pub on the Isle of Wight.

-So, you still in the trade? -Yeah, got a lovely little place

down in Peckham. There's two of my satisfied regulars over there.

-You around for a while, Eddie? -Yeah, about another half hour.

I'll catch up with you. We'll have a right old chat.

I gotta dash, a bit of business.

-See you later. -Yeah.

Panic over the slightest thing these days.

-Wouldn't have done in the war, Sid. -Wouldn't know, Albert.

I spent most of my time in a German POW camp.

Got captured on this island, Siros, in the Dodecanese.

Just off the Greek coast.

No chance of escape from there I suppose?

Well, a few of us tried it one night. Got down to the harbour,

overpower some German sailors and nicked their boat.

Fast bugger it was as well. We'd almost made it to the open sea,

and this poxy Greek fishing trawler cut right across our path!

Got fished out by the Germans and spent the war in a stalag.

-Fancy another, Sid? -Yeah, why not?

Ah! There you are, Del! Listen, we got a bit of a problem

-out in the main bar. -What's happening?

We've gotta stop meeting like this, Michael.

Talk about a bad penny. Del, I'd like you to meet

an old mate of mine. Eddie Chambers, Del Trotter.

-Nice to meet you, Del. -And you, Eddie.

Eddie and I used to be rivals over in the East End.

We had pubs almost opposite each other.

Yeah, except mine was better than yours.

You must be joking!

Del, you know how I run a pub, don't you?

Yeah, that's right.

His must've been better than yours, Mike.

Thank you very much.

-You still doing it then, Eddie? -No, I got out the pub game years ago.

No, I own a club in Margate, the Mardi Gras.

We got a decent meal, resident cabaret, you know, singer, magic act,

good comedian. I mean, what more d'you want for a fiver?

Well, that sounds fair enough to me, Eddie.

Yeah, we're on a beano to Margate, as it happens.

You know, tell you what, I've just had an idea.

Why not give us some complimentary tickets, just to get the ball rolling?

And we'll bring the rest of the coach party down to your place

to pay at the door. We could pack your place out!

-I'll have some of that! -Good man.

Tell you what. A few to you, a few to you, Del.

There you are. See you know it makes sense.

-Maybe see you later, then, mate. -Maybe see you later, Eddie, yeah.

-Good luck! -Cheers, Eddie.

See you, mate.

Why do we want complimentary tickets for a nightclub for, Del?

-We gotta be out of Margate by seven. -Oh, look.

Thank you very much. Use your brains, will you, Michael.

We might be able to flog hem to holidaymakers, aye.

Make ourselves a few bob, you know what I mean?

-Don't you ever stop? -No.

Yuppies never switch off, Michael. It's all or nothing with us.

Right, now what's this problem? I think you'd better come

and have a look at old Harry. What...aye?

-Oh, there he goes. -Come on, you lot.

All right, Harry, don't worry,you'll be all right mate. You'll be all right.

-Look at the state of him! -And it's only eleven o'clock.

-This is good news, innit? -That's no problem,

you just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.

Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver.

Oh, bloody hell!

-So, what we gonna do now? -I don't know yet.

There's bound to be a way out of it.

There's always a way!

Here, young Denzil's a long-distance lorry driver.

That's right. He could handle that coach, no problem.

No, he's got a Heavy Goods licence.

To drive that coach, he'd need a Public Service licence.

He's got one of them and all. Used to drive on the buses with me years ago.

That's it, then innit! We're saved!

Oi, Denzil, come over here. This is your lucky day!

-No! -No. What d'you mean, no?

I'm not driving that coach. I've been driving all week and this is my day off.

If you don't drive it, we'll have to wait here until Harry sobers up.

And by the look of it, that could take a fortnight.

Well, Sid used to be on the buses, he can drive it.

I'd love to, Denzil, but I've had a couple of drinks.

-So have I, you see? -No, you haven't.

You're not allowed to drink. You're on antibiotics because of your disease.

I have not got a disease, I have got an ear infection.

(all arguing)

Get your left foot up, Harry, come on. There we are.

-What do you think's wrong with him? -What do I think...?

-Snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig. -Yeah?

I thought he was pissed.

(all arguing)

All right! All right! I'll drive it on one condition:

-Harry drives it home. -Good boy, Denzil!

You know it makes sense. That's it.

Good lad! Go on then! Get on there. Right, come on, you lot.

Come on, let's get aboard. Hurry up. Oi, you three!

Get on the coach. We're ready for the off now.

Rodney, give me that ball!

Ruud Gullit - nowhere!

Excuse me, sir.

-Here, what happened, aye? -You, you're are under arrest.

-I couldn't help it. -He's right, officer.

He's right. He just threw the ball back to me like that.

I don't how much you've had to drink, son.

But it's too much. In the car!

No, no, I just threw the ball back at him.

You can tell me all about it at the station.

What's Cassandra going to say about this?

There's no need for Cassandra to know anything about it.

And what happens when the summons arrives?

Summons. What summons? They're not proceeding with the case.

Del, that copper has just charged me and taken a statement.

He's keeping the ball as Exhibit A.

But he also reckoned the chief inspector wouldn't take it any further.

They let you off with a warning.

-But say they don't? -We'll cross that bridge

when we come to it. I think you're in the clear.

In fact, I'm sure you are. Come on, let's get on the coach.

-Aye? -All right.

Come on, that's the spirit. You know it makes sense.

Right, come on in Denzil! Full ahead! We're off to Margate.

♪Everybody's talkin' at me♪

♪I don't hear a word they're sayin'♪

♪Only the echoes of my mind♪

♪People stop and stare♪

♪I can't see their faces♪

♪Only the shadows of their eyes♪

♪I'm goin' where the sun keeps shinin'♪

♪Through the pourin' rain♪

♪Goin' where the weather suits my clothes♪

♪Backin' off of the north-east winds♪

♪Sailin' on a summer breeze♪

♪Skippin' over the ocean like a stone♪

♪I'm goin' where the sun keeps shinin'♪

♪ Through the pourin' rain♪

♪Goin' where the weather suits my clothes♪

♪Backin' off of the north-east winds♪

♪Sailin' on a summer breeze♪

♪And skippin' over the ocean like a stone♪

♪Everybody's talkin' at me♪

♪Can't hear a word they're sayin'♪

♪Only the echoes of my mind♪

♪I won't let you leave my love behind♪

♪No, I won't let you leave♪

♪A-a-a-a-ah-h-h♪

♪I won't let you leave my love behind♪

(seagulls cry)

Oof!

Well, the coach leaves in an hour.

-Hasn't been a bad old day, has it? -No! It's been all right, bruv.

It's been all right.

I've really enjoyed meself.

I'm feeling a bit cream-crackered now, though.

I think I might have a touch of that yuppy flu, you know.

Yeah? Couldn't have something to do with the lobster vindaloo

and 14 pina coladas, could it?

Might have slowed me down a bit, yeah.

Went down the cemetery yesterday. Put some flowers on Mum's grave.

I ain't been down there lately, Del.

-Always something to do, you know? -No, no.

It's all right.She understands. She knows you think about her.

Yeah, of course I do.

Well, I just...you know... I just sat there, chatting and that.

Just lettin' her know what's been happening.

I bet she was well pleased!

You know, your Cassandra, she reminds me a bit of Mum, you know.

-Oh, good. -She's got drive, hadn't she?

You know, that's one thing Mum had, your Mum had a lot of drive.

Yeah. Cassandra's very ambitious.

-That's good, innit? -Mmm.

Nothing gets in the way of her career. No doubt about that!

-You must be well pleased. -Yeah.

'Cos she's an achiever.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-It's a bit like me, in many ways. -Yeah, I suppose so.

I've always been an achiever.

I never actually achieved nothing, mind you,

but I've always been in with a shout.

This...this reminds me of the time that me and Jumbo Mills

set up a seafood stall outside the Nag's Head.

"Eels on Wheels" we called it.

We was gonna build empires, you know.

You know, every pub in London was gonna have a seafood stall outside

called "Eels on Wheels".

You know what I said to him, the night that we had the scheme?

This time next year we'll be millionaires.

I said, "This time next year we'll be millionaires."

And we could have been, Rodney. Could have been.

You know what killed off "Eels on Wheels" don't you?

It was television.

-What, the Cook Report? -No, no, no.

It's when television started humanising fish.

-What you goin' on about? -They did,

they started to make fish human.

First of all, there was that shark thing, Flipper.

He had more GCEs than you.

Then there was Squiddly Diddly, the octopus.

Used to play the drums. Then there was Michael Fish.

-That put you out of business? -Yes, it's true! I'm tellin' you.

Mother's used to come round, complaining

that their kids refused to eat

our home-made fish fingers in case

they was related to The Man From Atlantis!

That report from the Council Health Inspector

didn't help none either, I suppose.

I could've made it, though, bruv.

I could have.

You will, Del. You will!

-Never stop believing, aye, bruv? -Never stop believing.

Come on, Andy, time to go home.

Yeah.

-Are we all here now, Del? -No, we're just waiting for Rodney.

He's reported in to headquarters.

-Hi, Cass? It's me. -Roddy!

I've been waiting for your call all day.

Have you?

-So, how are you? -We're fine.

Listen, we're at the coach park. We'll be off in a couple of minutes.

(coughing)

Here...

You won't tell my guv'nor what happened, Del?

I'd get the bullet if he found out about this.

Really, now Harry, what sort of bloke do you think I am?

I had one glass of lemonade in that pub. I dunno what happened.

I felt strange. It was as if I'd been overcome by fumes or something.

Yeah, well, whatever it was, it was lucky we had Denzil about, aye?

Don't I know it? He's a good bloke, that Denzil.

Good bloke? He's one of the best, one of the very best!

-Del! -What does that dipstick want now?

-Smoke coming from the radio. -Well, you must've pressed

the wrong button, or something.

Oh, look I'll come and sort it out.

-So, how's your day been? -The usual sort of thing.

-Oh, Stephen phoned this morning. -Did he?

Yeah, he found that holiday brochure he been telling us about.

Mummy called 'round to see if I'd like to have some lunch with her.

Then Kent Police Constabulary phoned to confirm

-that you lived at this address. -That was nice of them, wasn't it?

-It's not supposed to do that, is it? -No.

Well, it wasn't in the brochure, at least.

Oi, Boycie!

-Boycie, here, come here a minute. -Yes, what is it?

Look, you see, Del said, "Give me the ball."

I might have guessed Del would be behind it somewhere.

No, he didn't mean to get me into trouble.

Well, he never does, does he? Yet it seems every time

Del's around you, something goes wrong, and you're at the sticky end of it.

Not every time!

What are we supposed to do about it?

Well, I'd switch it off if I was you Del.

The main petrol line runs right underneath there.

Blimey!

-Oi! Bennett! -We gotta do something about this.

-Someone get some water! -Good idea! Water!

-We need loads of water. -Ain't this coach fitted with

a fire distinguisher?

Abandon ship! Come on, get off there.

And what about that time he entered one of your paintings in a competition,

and you won first prize in the under-15 category?

Yes, I do seem to recollect it, but I don't think you-

And I had to spend a week in the York posing as your common-law stepmother!

Come on, everybody! Hurry up! Look lively!

All right. Look, I agree that Del gets a bit out of hand.

But I think it's unfair to say that everything he touches goes wrong.

Cass, you still there?

Our coach has just blown up.

Don't worry, Harry, I won't tell your guv'nor about it.

(siren)

Oh, I don't believe it! It's only a bloody rail strike.

You know that my son is being christened in three week's time.

-What about my caff? -I've got a pub to run.

-I'm supposed to meet a bird at nine. -And I've lost my dolphin.

Oh, just shut up!

What about the Green Line. There's a bus stop over there.

-Yes. Good idea, Denzil! -That's it. Good thinking.

Let's uh... there you are: the next bus to London is at 20.00 hours.

-(laughs) -What's that mean, Rodney?

Eight o'clock. So, we've got a half-hour wait.

Well, that's not too bad.

Now, wait a minute. That's the normal schedule.

Look here: Bank Holidays, Christmas, last bus goes at 19.20.

We missed it by ten minutes.

-So when is the next one then? -Ten past eight tomorrow morning.

-Wonderful. -(sighs)

-We could hitch-hike. -What? 27 of us?

Oh, yeah...

-I remember once, just after the war... -Oh, don't start!

We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day, Albert.

Oi, oi. Watch it! He's a war hero. He's got a right to speak.

-I fought for free speech. -Shut up!

So why does he say such stupid things then?

You keep on, the back of my hand is going to have

a quiet word with your ear-hole.

Oh, that's it! Let's all have a punch-up in the middle of the street.

That'll put the cherry on the cake, wouldn't it?

And this is the last time I come out on the beano with you.

And that's the last time I'm going to invite you.

Calm down, calm down! You'll get nowhere arguing.

Now, let's look at the facts.

What we've got here is Hobson's Choice.

Can't get a train. Last bus has gone.

Our own vehicle is somewhat out of action.

Coach company has promised to send a replacement vehicle

tomorrow morning at nine o'clock. So, there you have it, gentlemen.

-So what are you saying? -What I'm saying is, we're going to

have to spend the night here. We'll book into hotel,

bed and breakfast. It's only for one night.

You seem to be forgetting something. This is a Bank Holiday.

This town is full to the rafters of holidaymakers.

-Where are we gonna find a room? -Well, there's bound to be

a couple of them still vacant.

Yes, but there's 27 of us!

Uh...me and Mickey are gonna take a little walk on the sea-front.

Yeah, well, we feel like stretching our legs.

I quite fancy taking the night air. How about you, Michael?

We've been down this road once already, haven't we?

We've been every bloody where, we walked further than the Jarrow marchers.

Yeah, and they were all out of work and starving,

and I bet they didn't moan as much as you two! Golbey.

Hey, hangabout, look at that! I told you something would turn up,

didn't I? Look, vacancies.

Aye? Come on! Lovely jubbly!

If you'd just like to wait here, please.

Oh, right. Thank you.

Mrs Baker?

Smell that? That's roast potatoes, innit?

Yeah...and gravy.

And steak and kidney pie unless I'm mistaken!

-We've fallen on our feet, haven't we? -Yeah, and I am starving!

Yeah, so am I.

Ain't he a beautiful cat? And he likes me.

Yeah. Probably in love with that beard.

-Oh, good evening. -Good evening.

Anyway, look, we'd like a room for tonight.

You know, chuck in an evening meal, bit of brekkers, that sort of thing?

What a shame! I let the last of my rooms out an hour ago.

You got a sign in the window that's saying "Vacancies".

Is the sign still there? That silly girl!

-I've told her to take it down. -Excuse me, please.

Helen, you forgot to take the sign out of the window.

Sorry, Ms. Baker! I'll just serve dinner and then I'll see to it.

Sorry. Thank you.

I am sorry, gentlemen!

Couldn't we kip down in your front room?

-Or on the landing? -Yeah, or in the airing-cupboard?

You know, anywhere? I'd love to help.

But it's the regulations, you see.

Well, is there anywhere around here we can get a room for the night?

Well, it's difficult, it's Bank Holiday weekend, you see.

And this rail strike doesn't make things any better. You could try...

-No, maybe not. -No, please, where?

Well, you could try Mrs Creswell's. She's at the Villa Bella,

just across the square. She's always got vacancies.

Right, well, thank you. We'll go and knock her up then.

Yes, thanks very much.

(laughter)

The next thing you know, whoosh! Up it went! Did you see Del Boy's face?

Oh, I wish I had my video camerawith me.

Well, look who's here! It's the Coach-busters.

-Are you staying here as well? -No, no, no we're not.

Oh, that's a shame. You would have liked it here.

-They've a lovely hot bath beach. -Nice warm room.

And the food's great. You would have really liked it here.

Yeah, well, we don't care 'cos we've got somewhere even better to go.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Here. You're not going to Villa Bella are you?

-Em...no, we're not, no. No, no. -No, we're going down the...

-It's a secret. -Yeah.

That's a relief. I was beginning to feel guilty, 'cos it's so nice here!

How's your disease, Denzil?

I have not got a disease! It's an ear infection.

Yeah, Mrs. Baker, make sure he takes his tablets?

Only the doctors down at the clinic thought it wasn't contagious.

Well, I mean, at least, they said they hoped it wasn't. Bon appetit, gits!

Ge-e-ertchyer!

Look, there it is. Look! Villa Bella.

(thunder crashes)

Well...it don't look too bad.

Not too bad? Look at it!

It looks like the Munsters' weekend place.

Oh, come on Del, let's find somewhere else.

Oh, Rodney, where? We've been everywhere in the town.

Look at it, it's gonna chucking it down again in a minute

and we'll get soaked and frozen.

Come on, this is our last chance.

You never know, it might be rather nice inside.

-Well, I'm game. -There you are.

That's the spirit, Uncle.

See? He who dares, wins.

See? Go on! Go and ring the bell.

Ring the bell! Hurry up!

(loud bell sounds)

(footsteps inside)

(door opens, creaking)

Yes?

-Are you Mrs Creswell? -Yes.

It's just that the lady down the road, Mrs Baker,

she recommended us to you,

said you might have a room for the night.

Come in.

(thunder sounds)

(door slams)

-Are you Bella? -No. Bella died ten years ago.

-I hope they buried her! -(thunder)

-It's cold, innit? -That's the weather.

Is it? I dunno. I'm a stranger around here.

I've got a three-bedded room vacant. It's £10 a night each,

and that includes a traditional English breakfast.

Well, that's it. Just the ticket, Mrs Creswell.

That'll be £30 in advance. Sign the book.

Inga, show these gentlemen up to the Blue Room.

Can't you see I'm serving dinner? I've only got the one pair of hands.

Well, show them up after you've served dinner!

Do everything your bloody self here!

-I'm training her. -She's coming on a bundle, isn't she?

The front door is locked at 11 pm and not opened again till 9 am.

Yes, well...

Come on, it's up here.

Would you ever come on?

Go on!

-Move over a bit! -You've got most of the bed.

-You're pulling the covers off me! -Leave it out, you two!

You gonna carry on like this all night?

Tell him to stop pulling the covers off me.

Rodney, stop pulling the covers off Albert!

Well, tell him to get over to his own side of the bed!

Albert, will you get over on your own side!

This is like spending a long weekend with Zippy and Bungle!

God knows what Cassandra would say if she was here!

She may probably say, "Roddy, what's your uncle doing in bed with us?"

It's all right for you, Derek. This happens to be my first night away

from Cassandra for a whole year!

Oh, I bet she were not glad!

What's that supposed to mean?

-Is this how you carry on with her? -Well, of course it's not.

So why give me all this aggro?

Because there is a great deal of difference

between sleeping with Cassandra

-and kipping with you! -Like what?

Like...! All right. Like...she smells nice.

Like...she wears...things...

Oi-oi! Whoa back, whoa back!

And like she hasn't got a dopey white beard that keeps tickling me!

(thumping on wall) See? You've woken somebody up now.

Rodney, look come on it's only quarter past ten.

Let's whip down the old Mardi Gras, have a couple of jars?

You know, scampi supper, aye? What do you think?

No. Look, I promised Cassandra I wouldn't go out,

and I intend to keep that promise.

You reckon she believed you?

About what?

When you said you wouldn't go out on the town.

-Well, of course she believed me. Why? -Nothing.

Uncle, you're not trying to suggest that if Cassandra

thought that Rodney was going out on the razzle

that she would go out on the razzle as well, are you?

What, you mean, what's good for the goose is good for the gander?

-Yeah. -No.

Oh.

-Cassandra wouldn't have gone out. -How d'you know that?

Because I haven't gone out.

But how does she know that? -Because...she just does, right?

Our marriage is based on trust.

Yeah, he's right. Cassandra wouldn't go out enjoying herself.

Thank you.

She wouldn't have to. She's got the flat to herself.

-So what? -Nothing. I just meant,

if she felt a bit lonely, she could invite someone round.

Yeah, like that couple at your anniversary, Stephen and his wife.

-So, what's wrong with that? -Nothing.

Nothing! It'd be nice company for Cassandra.

She seemed to get on well with that Stephen.

Oh!

Of course they get on well! They work together at the bank.

He is a colleague. In fact, more than a colleague.

He's on top...

He's her immediate superior.

No, anyway, she couldn't have invited them two round

'cos Stephen's wife's gone away for the weekend, you remember?

Oh, yeah.

If that Stephen's been round my flat, I'll kill him!

Now what put that idea in your head?

I dunno. It's something that's been bugging me.

What d'you want to do? You wanna, you know, pop out for a drink

and sort of talk about it?

Yeah. Might make you feel better, Rodney.

Well, I suppose I could manage a...

This is a conspiracy, innit? You two are in league with each other ain't you?

You want me to go to the nightclub, and you want the bed to yourself!

Well, it ain't gonna work.

I promised Cassandra I would not go out and I'm not going out, all right?

All right, keep your hair on! We was only jeering you up,

we didn't mean any harm.

All right. Well, let's just shut up about it and let's get some sleep.

Could do with an extra blanket. Half-freezing in here.

-It is a bit cold, innit? -Cold?

You bits of kid don't know the meaning of the word.

You should've been with me on the Russian convoys.

One night it was so cold, the flame on my lighter froze.

Come on, then, just one quick light ale.

♪Don't go changing♪

♪Try to please me♪

♪You never let me down before♪

♪Mmm-mm-mmh♪

♪Don't imagine♪

-Blinding bit of scampi, innit? -It's fresh and all.

Straight out the sea into you basket.

You don't get scampi off this coast.

Of course you do. It's the sea, innit it?

Yeah, but it's Margate.

Yeah, but the scampi don't know that, do they?

Suppose not.

And what was that starter that Cassandra made us last week?

Moules Marinieres.

That's it. They were lovely moules and all, weren't they?

'Cos she's got style, see. I mean,

-that Cassandra is a classy lady! -Suppose so.

No "suppose so" about it. A lot of people,

you know, cheapos, would have used mussels.

Not Cassandra.

We...we get on well.

'Course we do. Blimey!

-No, I meant me and Cassandra. -Oh, I see. That's good.

Because, I mean, your missus should be more than just your wife.

You know? She should be your best mate and all.

Yeah.

It's just...

sometimes you get the feeling...

How can I explain it? Have you ever read a book...

Or have you ever seen a film where someone marries beneath themselves?

Now. don't start that, Rodney!

You have not married beneath yourself!

Cassandra comes from a very lovely family.

Your problem is, you're letting her rule you.

I mean, take that cobblers tonight. She wouldn't let you out.

What are you, man or mouse?

You've got to learn to assert yourself.

I mean, I may sound old-fashioned, but take my word for it, in the end,

a man likes a woman to be a woman,

and a bird likes a bloke to be a bloke.

-You know, you're right. -That is "bonnet de douche",

as they say in the Basque region.

-Absolutely! -Yeah, that's it.

Oh, here you are, come on, drink up.

Another...

The three Musketeers! Boycie, over here!

Ah, Del.

-Good here, innit aye? -Stunning.

They've got a magician, a singer and a comedian.

The singer'll be on in a minute.

♪What will it take till you♪

So, where are you staying?

Oh, we've got a lovely little bed and breakfast, haven't we Rodney?

Yeah, it's really good.

Yes, well me, Mike and Alan booked into a hotel down on the front.

I got a room in a motel. They don't know I ain't got a car.

I'd keep quiet about that if I was you, Trig.

Not half!

♪Oh♪

♪Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh♪

♪Just the way you are♪

Where's Alan?

Of course, you wouldn't have heard about that would you?

You know how Alan loves shellfish.

Well, he ate half the ocean bed today,

until at some time or another he copped an unfortunate whelk.

Where have I seen that bird before?

That's her, whassername.

The one you went out for awhile with, Del.

-It's Raquel, the Strippagram! -No, it is not!

-It is, Del. -Hmm?

Would you look at the board?

"The Great Ramondo and Raquel."

Blimey.

It is her!

(applause)

Psssst!

(applause)

Psst!

(applause)

Raquel!

Del!

All right?

Haha! Bloody clever, that!

So I got back to England six months ago. I wasn't sure what to do with myself.

I haven't got any family, except a brother in Milton Keynes,

but we haven't spoken for years.

So I saw my agent, and she tied me in with Ray.

Ray?

-The Great Ramondo. -Oh, yeah!

He was working in a holiday camp down in Devon.

His last assistant walked out on him. Well, he's a bit of a pig.

Anyway, after that we got a three-month contract here.

It's not much, but it keeps a roof over my head.

Yeah.

I didn't mean to let you down, you know. I was on my way round to you

when I was unexpectedly arrested.

I know. It's all right. You've already explained.

-Why didn't you write to me? -Write to you?

I thought you'd dumped me.

I've got pride, Del.

I've never written to other blokes who dumped me.

-I wasn't starting with you. -Do you want another drink?

No, I'm back on stage in a little while.

There's been no-one else. I mean, since we split up.

I haven't been interested.

Nor me.

-No, honest! -Yeah, all right, I believe you.

What you gonna do when the contract's finished?

I'm leaving the act. Can't stand Ray any more.

He's got a temper! Sometimes he frightens me.

Don't know where I'll go.

-Peckham's nice this time of year. -Is it?

I know a lovely little flat you could stay at and all.

Well! Maybe I'll try Peckham then.

Thanks.

Raquel?

-Would you give me your autograph? -Get away!

No, I mean it. Straight honest!

I've never given an autograph before.

Well, look, It's easy. All you gotta do is just write your name.

And your address.

And your telephone number.

All right? Get your pigeons back all right?

Yes, I did. Raquel, I don't know what

the hell you were playing at on that stage.

-But don't let that ever happen again. -I'm sorry, Ray. I was distracted.

Professionals are not distracted, love.

You either get your act together or find somewhere else.

There's plenty more where you came from. We're on in ten minutes.

-All right, Ray, I'm coming. -Do you want me to whack him for you?

-Aye? Aye? -Please! Stay out of it.

My contract hasn't long to run, so I want to keep him sweet.

Besides, he's right. It was unprofessional.

Yeah, well.

-I'll see you, then. -Yeah.

You've still got my address, haven't you?

Yeah.

Well, you know you can...write to me, or...phone me, if you like.

You won't forget, will you?

I will never forget you, Del.

♪The most beautiful sound I ever heard♪

-Keep your voice down! -♪Raquel♪

She's lovely, though, ain't she, Rodney aye? She's lovely?

Yes, she's lovely. Now shut up!

-It's locked. -It's what?

-Locked. -That's right.

She said she locks it at eleven. What time is it now?

It's twenty to two.

-Let's definitely ring the bell. -You can't ring the bell!

You'll get Mrs. Creswell out of her coffin.

What we gonna do then? Aye?

We can't hang round here till the morning, can we?

Del, if you wake her up, she'll sink her teeth into our necks

-before you can say wooden stake! -You're frightened of her, ain't you?

Yes.

-Well, I'm not. -Well, you ring the bell.

I'm gonna hide behind the wall.

All right, maybe there's another way out of this.

-That's our room, innit? That one? -Yeah, I think so.

Albert!

Albert!

Abandon ship!

-Throw something up at the window. -Yeah, all right.

(glass breaking)

You wally! Look what you've gone and done!

-Me? -Yeah, you were the one that said,

"Go and throw something at the window."

I meant a pebble. You just chucked half a paving stone!

One of our windows have just been smashed.

I heard it. Phone the police, Inga!

That's all I need, innit it?

I'm going to get nicked twice in one day!

Look alive, Rodney. Come on, let's get out! Let's get out!

(dogs barking)

(buzzer)

-Hello? -Raquel, it's Del Boy.

Del? What d'you want? It's two o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry to disturb you, sweetheart, but Rodney's been

-and got us into a bit of trouble. -I didn't get us into this!

Yes, you did. It was your bright idea, wasn't it?

-You chucked the bloody thing. -No, but you said-

Look...look...wait!

-What's wrong? -Oh, we've been locked out

of our digs, and we've got nowhere to kip for the night,

and we was wondering if you could put us up till the morning.

-It's a bit awkward, Del. -Oh...

Raquel, it's freezing out here.

We just bumped into a brass monkey crying his eyes out.

All right then. Push the door and come up.

Oh, good girl, you know it makes sense!

Hello. Yeah, that's better course.

-It's taters out there! -Sorry about this, Raquel.

It's okay. So, what happened?

Well, the old girl where we were staying,

she locks her doors at eleven.

I mean, we didn't leave your nightclub till gone one, did we?

Well, I'm afraid an armchair and a settee is the best I can offer you.

Yeah, that's lovely. Yeah, thanks.

That'll be lovely, Raquel.

It's all right, we'll be away first thingin the morning

'cos our new coach comes about nine o'clock.

Listen, sweetheart, you won't give ussomething

to warm the old cockles can you?

Yeah, okay. I'll make you a coffee.

Oh, yeahl Kush tea, kush tea!

-She's a blinding bird, ain't she? -Raquel? Yeah, teriffic, Del.

She's got a radiant smile. You noticed that?

-What, her radiant smile? -Yeah. Yeah.

You can't miss it, can you? I mean, when she walks in, she lights up a room.

Yeah. Most of your birds walk in and light up a fag.

Yeah. She's straight as a die, you know.

Straight as a die. She don't mess around with other blokes.

-What, you're saying Cassandra does? -No, no, of course not!

No, I've nothing against the girl.

That's all right then. 'Cos if I thought you... sorry.

You're a touchy little git sometimes, ain't you?

All I was just saying, was that since Raquel met me,

she hasn't been out with any other blokes.

Well, she only met you two hours ago.

I don't mean this time, I mean the first time.

Oh, right!

She has been true unto me.

Raquel, what's all the noise?

-The Great Ramondo! -What you doin' here?

-What am I doin' here? -We was locked out of our digs.

And Raquel said we could spend the night here,but we're going soon.

Oh did she? We'll see about that. Raquel!

What's the idea of letting strangers in the flat without even asking me?

-I'll kill him! -No, stay calm, Derek.

It'll take a bloody good surgeon three or four hours

to get his magic wand back!

Oi, oi, now come on, calm down!

-I want to know what the hell is goin'- -Sit down.

-Look, I'll not have any magi- -Sit down!

Look, there's probably a perfectly simple explanation to this.

-Like what? -How the hell should I know?

There is a simple explanation, Rodney. The Gret Ramondo's a bleedin' bully boy.

Raquel told me. He's got her trapped here.

If she don't play ball with him, she loses job and home as well.

That's blackmail, and I don't like that sort of thing and

-I'm going to sort it outright now! -Oi! Oi!

You're not sorting of anything. Don't jump to conclusions!

Look, for all you know, them two might be...

-Well, you know. -What?

Well...I don't know.

Just find out what the situation is first, right?

Nice and easy, Del, right? Nice and easy.

All right. I'm just gonna go in there,

I just want to ask a few questions, and you know, like...that's all.

And what happens if you don't like the answers?

Well, that's life, innit, aye?

It's just, I'll know where I stand, won't I? Aye?

-Aye? -All right.

All right?

'Scuse me, I'm terribly sorry to bother you,

Just wondered if we could have a little chat.

See if we could come to some sort of an understanding.

(groans)

That's the way, Del, nice and easy.

Now do you understand what I'm trying to say? Aye?

-Why the hell did you do that? -It's all right.

Raquel, it's all right.

You don't have be frightened of the Great Ramondo no more.

Del Boy's here.

(whistles The Good, the Bad and the Ugly)

-Rodney. -Oh!

Right! Ramondo - or can I just call you Great?

Do you understand what I've been subtly trying to indicate?

You are out, pal. Your lease has expired.

This is nature's way of telling you to get your arse down the road a piece.

-Why don't you explain to him? -He hasn't given me the chance.

You better warn him, I was in the Territorials.

I don't think that's not gonna cut a lot of ice with him.

There's your coat. There's your case.

And there's the front door, or would you prefer the direct route?

-Can I say something? -Yes.

All right, you can say something, youbettermake it quick,

and you better make it polite. There is a lady present.

There is nothing going on between Raquel and me.

Nothing going on between you two? A fellow and a bird sharing a flat

and there's nothing going on? What d'you take me for?

I assure you, it's the truth! You see, I'm...

I'm...

Raquel is not my type.

What d'you mean, not your type? You could do a lot worse than that!

This is Ray's room.

This is my bedroom.

D'you see what Ray is saying?

If I was the last woman on God's earth, I still wouldn't be his type!

Take your time, Del.

You see, it's purely a financial situation.

It's cheaper than us paying for separate flats.

Oh! You mean you're...

-Yes! -Well, why didn't you say?

It's not the sort of thing one drops intoan introduction?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry! What must you think of me?

No need, really. Over and done with.

-See, I...I didn't know. -You didn't ask, did you?

No, you see, I thought...

Well, I thought... I mean, I... Didn't I, Rodney aye?

Yeah, he did.

Oh, dear, I do belive I may have dropped your suitcase out of the window.

I'll fetch it. I could do with the air.

No, you see, I'm... You see, I thought...

No, no, Del, you didn't think! You never think!

You don't look, you don't listen, you don't notice any of the signs.

You just go at it like a mad bull!

I only did it for you.

If that is supposed to make me feel better, it doesn't.

They might publish your diaries one day, Del.

I reckon that could be a winner.

I don't believe you sometimes. Why did you do that?

He who dares, wins. I've always been the same.

Well, this time, I reckon that he who dared, cocked it right up!

Thank you.

I know you did it for me, but you were stupid and you were embarrassing.

Thank you.

Magic!

See you!

-Cheers! -Ta-ra!

See you, Dave.

Hey! Oi, Rodders!

Rodney! Here!

Here a minute. Come here a minute.

Listen...

-You are master of your own flat. -Yeah, okay...

You're a man. You don't need rules, no collar and lead!

-All right, Del, all right. -You're going to go in there

and put your foot down with a firm hand. Let her know where she stands.

All right. You've just gotta sort it out, you know.

Sort it out!

-I'll see you. -Yeah.

See you then. Ta-ta!

-(door slams) -Cass!

Oh!

I didn't expect you back this early.

No. Well, here I am. Cass, can we have a talk?

I don't think it's not an appropriate time, Roddy. Maybe later.

Look, I really think we really ought to sit down and discuss-

Oh! Hi, Roddy! How'd it go?

-What are you doing here? -I was just passing.

So how was...Margate?

Forget Margate. What are you doing in my flat?

Hey, back off, Rod.

I mean, what's the problem?

-Roddy, what's wrong? -Well, I'll tell you the problem, right.

It's something I've wanted to do for a long time,

but I've never got round to it. So...

Let me run this past you, Stephen. Try and get your head round this.

-Roddy! -Now you know where

I'm coming from. Okay, buddy!

All right, Joanne? Joanne!?

-What have you done to Stephen? -Punched me on the nose.

What's she doing here?

I thought she wasgoing away for the weekend to her parents.

She was, but there was a rail strike. Joanne brought this brochure for us.

Do you see anything in it you like?

Hello, sweetheart. How are you today?

Oh, good. How is the Great Ramondo?

Oh. Well, I'm sure in his heart of hearts he understood.

Now, we've been back about an hour. Yeah.

Mmm? No, everyone's all right.

Mm-hm. We dropped Rodney off at his house, yeah.

Cassandra? Ah, she'll be all right. She'll be as good as gold.

Rodney's a bit of a charmer on the quiet.

He knows how to handle situations.

Yes, I know. Sometimes I wish I was a bit more like him and all. Yeah.

Old Albert? He's been much better now. Yeah.

Oh, didn't you hear? He got a whack on the head.

I dunno. The strangest thing! He was lying in bed last night...

when all of a sudden a rock came flying through the window...

and it caught him a glancing blow on the head.

Dunno. It's a mystery.

No mystery to me. Bloody yobbos done it.

-Should be locked up. -That's right, that's absolutely right.

Tell her what happened to Boycie and Mike when they was

-walking home from the club. -Yeah. What? What was that?

Someone chucked a suitcase through a window.

Caught Mike right on the shoulder.

Fortunately, Boycie's head broke its fall.

It's a terrible old world, innit aye, sweetheart?

Listen, Raquel. You have forgiven me now, sweetheart?

Oh, good. You know it makes sense.

I was thinking about taking the van out next Saturday.

Well, I'm fitting a new radio.

Was thinking I might go to Margate. I wouldn't be hurrying home.

I was just wond'ring if you could get the Great Ramondo

to do a disappearing act.

Oh, kush tea! Yeah, oh that's great!

Yeah, right, darling. I'll see you next Saturday, sweetheart.

Yeah. All right. Bye for now. Bye!

Lovely jubbly!

Oi! What's your game?

Want a cup of tea, go make one you lazy old sod!

(door slams)

All right, bruv? Sort it all out?

♪Oh, I'll be working hard and late♪

♪To earn a few bob to go to Margate♪

♪I'll blow the lot on my family♪

♪We're all off to see the sea!♪

♪Behave yourself, Uncle Albert! Or you won't be going ♪

♪Down to Margate!♪

♪Bring your bucket and spade♪

♪Down to Margate!♪

♪We'll go to the cockle stall♪

♪Down to Margate! We'll go on the pier ♪

♪ Have a bit of a beer Beside the sea♪

♪Down to Margate!♪

♪You can keep the Costa Brava I'd rather have a day♪

♪ Down at Margate! With all my family, yeah ♪

♪You can keep the Costa Brava, and all that palaver♪

♪I'd rather have a day down at Margate!♪

♪With all my family♪