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1
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:12,771
Thanks for letting me
practice on you, Steve.
2
00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:16,883
- I really wanna ace this first-aid class.
- No problemo, Eddo.
3
00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:20,149
I have a lot of personal
experience in first aid.
4
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:24,621
I got a nosebleed at birth. My
doctor slapped the wrong end.
5
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,889
I'll be right back. I'm
gonna go get the plaster.
6
00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:32,191
No rush. I'm a patient patient.
7
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:38,404
Carl, big guy!
8
00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:43,142
My buddy with the
badge. My pal on patrol.
9
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:45,211
How was your day
on the mean streets?
10
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:49,214
Cops and robbers. Good guys,
bad guys. Heroes and hairballs.
11
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,852
The man who risks his...
12
00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:32,711
Well, what do you think?
13
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,912
- Mom, you look hot.
- Uh-huh.
14
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,716
- Thank you, honey.
- Oh, Harriette...
15
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:39,325
you are just gonna
sweep Carl right off his feet.
16
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,725
I wanna look perfect. Carl and I
haven't had a romantic dinner date...
17
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,127
since the Carter administration.
18
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:51,229
Harriette. Harriette. Feast
your ever-loving eyes on these.
19
00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:53,170
- Tickets to Les Mis?
- Better.
20
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,808
- Janet Jackson?
- Even better.
21
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:56,876
M.C. Hammer?
22
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:04,616
No. The Blackhawks
and the Penguins.
23
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,914
- Hockey?
- Yeah. I couldn't pass this up.
24
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:11,024
And look where we're
sitting. Right behind the goalie.
25
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,820
Great. We can
dodge pucks all night.
26
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:17,223
Yeah.
27
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,861
You're not gonna
wear that, are you?
28
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:24,266
Of course not. I'll just slip into
something more comfortable.
29
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:26,304
Like a helmet and
some shin guards.
30
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:31,002
Gee, thanks, babe. You won't regret
it. You're gonna have a great time.
31
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:35,081
Especially when they start beating
each other up. Hustle up, babe, okay?
32
00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:40,511
I'm married to the most
wonderful woman in the world.
33
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:52,462
Wait a minute. Don't
give me a tardy. Hi, Laura.
34
00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:07,607
I pledge allegiance
to the flag...
35
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:10,273
- of the United States of America...
- Class! Class!
36
00:04:10,450 --> 00:04:13,249
We only do that
when I hold the flag.
37
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:22,891
- Morning, Miss Steuben.
- Morning, Steven.
38
00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:29,226
Miss Steuben!
39
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:35,331
Now take your seat, carefully.
40
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,945
Hi, Laura.
41
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:44,482
Hi, Steve.
42
00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:47,319
All right, class,
today we're going to...
43
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,286
Excuse me, Miss
Steuben. I need a moment.
44
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:08,870
I'm all set, Miss
Steuben. Teach me.
45
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:11,469
Thank you.
46
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:14,609
All right.
47
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:20,750
Countries, cities,
neighborhoods.
48
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:26,553
Now, all of these are built upon
smaller social units, like the family.
49
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:29,127
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
50
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,460
Yes, yes, yes, Steven?
51
00:05:36,102 --> 00:05:38,833
Actually, Miss Steuben,
current geopolitical constructs...
52
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:42,066
are more complex than your
simplistic concentric circle model...
53
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,768
would have us believe. As
Spengler would point out...
54
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:50,043
My point is that the family is
the center for all social interaction.
55
00:05:56,556 --> 00:06:01,551
Ahem. And the foundation
for most families is marriage.
56
00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:06,557
So, oh... for the
next two weeks...
57
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:10,864
the class will be paired
off into married couples.
58
00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:15,500
Now, you will all have to figure
out how to live on a budget.
59
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:20,377
You will make decisions
about jobs, homes, children.
60
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:23,648
And each of you will
grade your partner.
61
00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:28,918
- Yeah?
- Do we get to pick who we wanna marry?
62
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:32,958
Write down your top three choices,
and I will do my best to pair everyone up.
63
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:38,292
The names of the happy couples will
be posted on the bulletin board tomorrow.
64
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:54,037
Steven, you cannot put
the same name three times.
65
00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:06,919
- Hi, everybody. ESTELLE:
Hi. How you doing?
66
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,528
Hi, honey. How's your head?
67
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:16,601
How do you think it is? I
got hit by a hockey puck.
68
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:20,468
Sweetheart, that was a great stop.
You deserved that standing ovation.
69
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:25,379
Oh, Carl, I called Chez Josephine's,
and we're confirmed for 8:00 tonight.
70
00:07:25,545 --> 00:07:26,774
Oh, ha, ha.
71
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:30,417
Oh, babe, I'm sorry.
I meant to call you.
72
00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:32,518
There's been a
little change in plans.
73
00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:33,847
Now what?
74
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,683
You remember Joe
Hitchborn? Traffic Control?
75
00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:39,348
- Shy guy? Couldn't get a date?
- Yeah.
76
00:07:39,526 --> 00:07:43,293
Well, they switched him to Hooker Patrol,
and he's getting married this weekend.
77
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:46,729
Oh, my Lord. Just
picture the bridesmaids.
78
00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:51,697
The guys decided to throw
him a little bachelor party tonight.
79
00:07:51,871 --> 00:07:53,772
Mind if I go?
80
00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:56,275
- It's up to you, Carl.
- Gee, thanks, babe.
81
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,939
You are the best.
Ha, ha. Don't wait up.
82
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,585
Harriette.
83
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:08,187
How could you let
Carl get away with that?
84
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:12,019
Well, what was I supposed to
do, beg him to take me to dinner?
85
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:17,893
Honey, Carl is my son, and in
my eyes he can do no wrong.
86
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:19,623
But he's your husband.
87
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:23,133
You should've knocked him
into the middle of next week.
88
00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:29,402
I'd like Carl to be more romantic,
but I can't force it out of him.
89
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:37,482
You know, he used to send
me flowers for no reason at all.
90
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:40,950
And he'd leave me funny
little notes all around the house.
91
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:44,956
He'd even call me three or four
times a day just to say he loved me.
92
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:50,288
Doesn't do those things anymore.
93
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,392
Well, Harriette, doesn't
that make you angry?
94
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,426
No.
95
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,094
Makes me scared.
96
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:10,413
Laura. Laura. I got him!
97
00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:14,577
For the next two blissful weeks,
I am Mrs. Mark Healy. Yes!
98
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,281
That's great. Who did
I get? Derrick or Jeff?
99
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,085
I was so excited,
I forgot to look.
100
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:42,314
Spread out! Spread out! Spread
out! Give my wife some air.
101
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,290
- Mommy?
- Yes, sweetie?
102
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:59,729
I'm glad Uncle Carl is back.
103
00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:01,800
But, Richie, he
didn't go anywhere.
104
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:06,872
Yes, he did. Aunt Harriette
said that he was in the doghouse.
105
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:20,479
Laura, I called Rachel's place two
hours ago. Where have you been?
106
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,355
- Just walking.
- Well, sit down.
107
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,515
You almost missed dinner.
108
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:39,766
Very funny.
109
00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:44,309
What's the matter? Lose your
sense of humor, Mrs. Urkel?
110
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:50,610
Eddie, is that your face,
or did your neck throw up?
111
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:54,852
Now, children, no
fighting at the table.
112
00:10:57,891 --> 00:11:00,224
Hi, honey. I'm home.
113
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:08,100
Laura, my little nuptial nymph, I know
you're eager to begin our life together...
114
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:11,499
but I must have a word with
your father before we proceed.
115
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:13,629
What is it, Steve?
116
00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:16,901
Well, Carl, call me old fashioned,
but before I marry Laura...
117
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:19,511
I'd like to have your blessing.
118
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:23,342
Well, Steve, ha,
ha, I appreciate that.
119
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:28,819
But, um, I wouldn't stand in your
way if you two are really, really in love.
120
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:31,514
Dad!
121
00:11:31,991 --> 00:11:33,323
You won't be sorry, sir.
122
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:37,430
I can assure you that we Urkels are
a fine old family with a proud name.
123
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:42,900
You know that, in Kenya, "urkel" means a
benign cyst on the foreleg of a wildebeest?
124
00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:09,257
Are you ready for dessert,
my little crêpe suzette?
125
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:14,862
Steve, I'm full. You cooked
seven meals for me today.
126
00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:18,869
It would've been eight, but I
didn't like the smell of that sushi.
127
00:12:19,772 --> 00:12:21,104
I finished all the housework.
128
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:23,300
You know, deep in
the back of your fridge...
129
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:28,244
I found a fascinating mold specimen
thriving on an ancient cheese wheel.
130
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,143
Go home.
131
00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:34,713
Not yet.
132
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:39,582
- This is our last night of wedded bliss.
- Yeah.
133
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,694
I've been blowing up balloons.
134
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,243
What are you doing?
135
00:12:58,044 --> 00:13:00,843
Setting the mood, my darling.
136
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:05,876
For two wonderful weeks, you and I
have pretended to be man and wife.
137
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:09,648
And now, on this,
our last night...
138
00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:12,758
we can make each
other's dreams come true...
139
00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:14,018
with a kiss.
140
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:18,798
Steve, did you eat
that moldy cheese?
141
00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:26,696
Don't hold back.
Let yourself go.
142
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,874
Do what you feel.
143
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:37,244
Ooh, I felt the earth move.
144
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,053
Steve, we're supposed to grade
each other on this assignment...
145
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,951
and right now, you're staring
down the barrel of an F.
146
00:13:45,591 --> 00:13:47,992
One kiss. A peck on the cheek.
147
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,995
A momentary osculation.
148
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,227
Forget it. I have a headache.
149
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,529
I thought you might say
that, so I came prepared.
150
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,730
Aspirin, baby?
151
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:07,274
Steve, I want a divorce.
Go home to your mother.
152
00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:12,280
My manly ardor
has frightened you.
153
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,322
That's okay. It
won't happen again.
154
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,860
I'm prepared to wait
forever, if need be.
155
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,726
In the meantime, I hope
you'll accept this small gift...
156
00:14:25,898 --> 00:14:29,062
as a little memento of our
two glorious weeks together.
157
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,065
Steve, this is really beautiful.
158
00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:40,444
One-third-karat diamond with
one-tenth the sparkle of your lovely eyes.
159
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,716
This is real? Where did
you get the money for this?
160
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,183
From my Stay Away fund.
161
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:51,449
Every year, all my relatives send me
money and hope that I won't visit them.
162
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:56,786
Steve, I can't accept
this. It's too expensive.
163
00:14:56,963 --> 00:15:00,923
But, my little baguette,
it was a mere $800.
164
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,001
Eight hundred dollars?
165
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:06,401
Are you out of your mind?
This is a school assignment.
166
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,872
It's pretend. We're not
married. We're not engaged.
167
00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:12,034
We're not even dating.
And we never will be.
168
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,509
But I thought you'd like...
169
00:15:14,533 --> 00:15:17,308
What I'd like is for
you to leave me alone.
170
00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:35,131
Laura, I know I'm not worthy of
you, but I just can't help loving you.
171
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,767
It's like wanting
to touch a star.
172
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:42,033
You know you'll never reach it,
but you've just gotta keep trying.
173
00:15:49,415 --> 00:15:53,910
Steve, why do you
always say things like that?
174
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,554
These last two weeks
have been wonderful for me.
175
00:15:57,723 --> 00:16:00,921
It's the closest I'll ever
get to marrying you.
176
00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:03,426
That's why I wanted
you to have this.
177
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:07,863
No strings attached.
Just the one to my heart.
178
00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:23,572
- Busy, Mom?
- No.
179
00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:26,116
Just pruning your father.
180
00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:28,650
Fern.
181
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:29,982
Something on your mind?
182
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:32,783
Yeah, Steve.
183
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:36,225
Ooh, he did a good job on my
oven. Tell him we're out of Easy-Off.
184
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:38,955
Can't.
185
00:16:39,131 --> 00:16:40,963
He just went home.
186
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:45,636
Mom, I think I hurt
Steve's feelings.
187
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,074
What happened?
188
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:52,144
He's smothering me. He
sent me a roomful of roses.
189
00:16:52,311 --> 00:16:55,748
He calls me every hour. He
waits on me hand and foot.
190
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:59,113
A person can only
take so much devotion.
191
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:01,254
You don't know
how lucky you are.
192
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:03,986
Steve may not be the
man of your dreams...
193
00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:07,649
but it's a wonderful thing when
somebody loves you that much.
194
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:13,464
Mom, he sent me
an eight-foot giraffe.
195
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,800
It's not funny.
196
00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:21,330
Sorry, honey.
197
00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:24,903
But you've got to
admit one thing:
198
00:17:25,077 --> 00:17:28,104
Steve sure never
takes you for granted.
199
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:32,275
I wish he would.
I'm all Urkeled out.
200
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:37,951
Well, Steve is a pest,
no question about that.
201
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:42,154
But he adores you,
Laura, and he shows it.
202
00:17:42,328 --> 00:17:46,288
You know, being romantic is a
good quality for a husband to have.
203
00:17:57,310 --> 00:18:02,613
Mark Healy is selfish,
conceited and inconsiderate.
204
00:18:03,449 --> 00:18:04,940
He cheated on me.
205
00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:07,780
With an older woman.
206
00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:11,953
I caught him at the
movies with a ninth-grader.
207
00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:14,593
So I divorced him.
208
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,922
Mark, I give you an F-minus.
209
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,724
What?
210
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:25,569
Well, we've learned that
not everyone is compatible.
211
00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:31,172
But I am glad to see that Maxine and Mark
have resolved their differences maturely.
212
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:35,679
Jerk.
213
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,714
Dweeb.
214
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:42,419
All right, let's move
on to our last couple.
215
00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:45,749
Oh, Steven.
216
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,188
You may begin.
217
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:55,057
Obviously, Laura
was the perfect wife...
218
00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:58,568
brilliant mother,
helpmate and manager.
219
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:01,606
I'll always be proud that
she was the first Mrs. Urkel.
220
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:05,775
She's an A all the way.
221
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,743
Yeah.
222
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:09,711
Thank you.
223
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,018
Laura, your grade for Steven.
224
00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:22,084
Well...
225
00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:28,499
Steve is incredibly
annoying, and a pest...
226
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:32,969
and, well, you just wanna
slap him all the time.
227
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:42,111
But he's also...
hardworking and caring.
228
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:44,750
He really tried to
make me happy.
229
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,978
He was a good husband,
and I gave him an A-plus.
230
00:19:51,257 --> 00:19:53,556
Snookums.
231
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:57,428
You do love me.
232
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:01,427
What have I done?
233
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:10,938
Hi, hon.
234
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:14,304
Do I know you?
235
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,683
Okay.
236
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:19,842
I deserve that.
237
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:23,985
Harriette, last night...
238
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,250
well, I overheard
you talking to Laura.
239
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:30,328
And what you said to her...
240
00:20:30,496 --> 00:20:34,160
well, it made me realize that
I've been acting like a jerk.
241
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:37,235
An idiot, a fool, an ignoramus.
242
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,668
Stop me whenever
you like, Harriette.
243
00:20:41,307 --> 00:20:43,401
Oh, no, you're doing fine.
244
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:50,880
Harriette, you are the most
important person in the world to me.
245
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:53,643
And you always will be.
246
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:56,846
I thank God every
day that we're together.
247
00:20:57,356 --> 00:21:00,190
But now it's time I
start thanking you.
248
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:07,194
So, Harriette, I want you to
put on that beautiful new dress...
249
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:10,734
because we have an 8:00
reservation at Chez Josephine's.
250
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:14,298
And, sweetheart,
when you walk in there...
251
00:21:14,473 --> 00:21:17,637
I'd like you to wear this.
252
00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:21,046
Oh, Carl.
253
00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:25,081
It's just a little "I
love you" present.
254
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:28,844
Oh, Carl.
255
00:21:29,421 --> 00:21:32,789
- Thank you. It's beautiful.
- Ha, ha.
256
00:21:33,259 --> 00:21:38,755
But, sweetheart, not
as beautiful as you.
257
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:44,703
Ooh, sparkle city.
258
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:50,374
I know I shouldn't
ask, but how much?
259
00:21:50,543 --> 00:21:53,069
Well, I got a good deal.
260
00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:55,111
I bought it off of Urkel.
261
00:21:58,250 --> 00:22:01,118
He tried to bargain with me, but
the poor kid was overmatched.
262
00:22:01,287 --> 00:22:03,586
He caved in at 1000.
263
00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:08,720
Ooh, Carl, that's way too much.
264
00:22:08,894 --> 00:22:11,864
Yeah, but he threw in
a little something extra.
265
00:22:37,056 --> 00:22:38,991
Worth every penny.
19666
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