All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E90.Charlie.and.the.100th.Episode.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Thank you so much
for coming by on Saturday
night, Charlie.

My hot water heater
was broken for a week

and if you hadn't mediated
between me and my landlord,

I would have shoved his head
down my garbage disposal,

which also isn't working,

so I wouldn't have
gotten that satisfying
grindy noise.

You recognized
you were losing control

and you picked up
the phone.

Good eye, Patrick.
Good eye.

Peanuts for a story.
Peanuts for a story.

Who else wants
peanuts for a story?

What the hell
are you doing, Charlie?

We are not
at a baseball game.

[ yells ]
I'll have one!

I can't change a 20.

Here, take two.

I had the best time
last night.

I went down to the ballpark
to watch batting practice

and an old teammate of mine
is now the GM.

Hell, that's
outstanding, Charlie.

Do you have an ice-cold
beer in there?

As a matter of fact,
I do.

That'll be $11.50.

$11.50?

The prices here
are outrageous.

I should have got drunk
in the parking lot.

Anyway, I was talking
to the first baseman

who is in a bit
of a slump.

So I gave him some
visualization techniques

and later on in the game,
the guy hits two home runs.

Sounds like they
should have paid you.

Well, they gave me
this hat,

but that didn't feel
like enough,

so I stole
a case of peanuts.

Hot peanuts.
Who wants hot peanuts?

Can we talk about
what a brainless,

babbling idiot
my boyfriend over here is?

Can you believe
what you're hearing?

I'm her boyfriend.

There's a buyer
who owns a chain of shoe
stores down in Orange County

that Nolan wants me
to stop doing business with

because he thinks
he's hitting on me.

That's because when
he comes over to our
house to do business

he hits on you
right in front of me.

Lacey:
The guy is not
hitting on me.

Nolan, you are
jealous for nothing.

Oh, Lacey,
you are so naive.

I'm gonna kill this guy.

You're not
killing anybody.

Look, I'll come over the next
time the guy is there

and make sure that Nolan
doesn't get himself in trouble.

As long
as it's not tonight,
because tonight

Charlie's coming over to
my place to save my marriage.

Me and my wife
are in the middle of a big
Sleep Number fight.

Ed, what are you
fighting about?

You each get to pick
your own number.

Well, why does she get to sleep
on a different number?

We're married.
That means we're supposed
to do stuff together.

I don't get it, Ed.

A Sleep Number bed
should bring you closer.

It saved the marriage
of every one of those couples
in the commercial.

It says right underneath,
"These are not actors."

Now give me back
your peanuts.

I just looked at
the expiration date.

They're from 1992.

So, Charlie,
what time is your baseball
buddy coming by?

'Cause I thought
we might get our picture
taken together

or get his autograph
or be the mama of his babies.

He should be here
any minute,

but, Brett, no autographs,
no pictures,

and as far
as the baby thing goes,
you're welcome to try.

I hope Roger gets here soon.
I'm supposed to be at Ed's
in an hour.

What are you going
to Ed's for?

Him and his wife are having
some problems in bed

and I said I'd stop by
and help them figure it out.

You going there to witness
or to hold things in place?

All right, Charlie,

this is no longer
a drink with friends.

This is an intervention.

Every time
one of your patients
has an anger problem,

you step in
and solve it for them.

That's why they're not
getting any better.

Well, sure, they are.

Just the other day,
a meter maid gave Ed a ticket

and not once during
his verbal assault

did he mention
that she was a Latina.

- Charlie.
- All right, look.

I wish my patients
were further along

and I didn't have to talk
about their progress

using the word "assault."

But they're not
doing better.

What else can I do
except help them?

Nothelp them.
That way you'll actually
be helping them.

Oh, my God,
I'm so done with
this conversation.

I'm finished with him,
but now we're gonna
talk about

why you can't pay
attention to anything
unless it's about you.

Okay, well, can we do it
during sex?

Fine.

Hey, Wild Thing.

- Hey, Roger.
- What's up, man?

Um, why are you
wearing that?

I saw you yesterday
and you weren't Jewish.

Oh, I forgot
I was wearing it.

- I was just at a funeral.
- I'm sorry. Who died?

Oh, this old guy who
was with the organization
for, like, 35 years.

Case of peanuts
goes missing.
I suspect him,

I fire him, he goes home,
he blows his brains out.

You caught me on the
surveillance cameras taking
the peanuts, didn't you?

Yeah.
[ laughs ]

I was really hoping
for a better reaction.

Come on, man, I got
a yarmulke and everything.

I had a blast last night.
It was so great to be back
around the game again.

Good, man. Good.
Well, I'm glad to hear that,

because I was thinking
after watching you help
Fernandez out of his slump,

I was thinking
it might be nice to have
you around all the time.

I'd like you to be
the team psychologist.

You mean,
like a consultant?

I mean a full-time gig.
I want you to go on the road
with us, everything.

Wow, it's like
my dream job,

but I don't know, Rog.

I got my prison clinic.
I got my group at home.

And these guys
are super dependent on me.

Well, wouldn't
want you to screw up
your patients' lives.

You know, maybe
I'm screwing up their lives

if I don't take it.

- Oh, crap.
Put your yarmulke back on.
- Huh?

Put on
the yarmulke.

- Hey, aren't you--
- No, I'm sorry, Brett.

He's looking for
a nice Jewish girl.

I can do that.

Orthodox.

Damn it.

[ theme music playing ]

So, how's everybody
doing today?

- Terrible.
- Me, too.

I'm also having
an awful day.

And I can't be happy
when she's unhappy.

That's the rule.

Well, good.
I'm glad everybody's
in a cheerful mood.

It'll make it easier
to handle this bad news.

I'm gonna be
making a change.

You're bringing somebody new
into the group, aren't you?

Hope it ain't
a black man.

Because if it is,
I'll have to start worrying

about what comes out
of my mouth.

It's not that.

You know that I love
this group more than anything.

But I've been offered
an incredible opportunity

to be the sports psychologist
for my old team

and...
I'm gonna take it.

Wait, you aren't
breaking up with us,
are you?

Because you don't
do that face to face.

You do it over a text.

I'm not breaking up.

I'm giving you all
the freedom to learn how
to be more self-reliant.

This is a lot like the time
my dad walked out on us

to work as a psychologist
for a major league
baseball team.

Nolan,
that never happened.

You're creating
alternate histories again.

That's just what
my dad would say.

He's a psychologist.
His name is Charlie.

Look, you guys
have no idea

how much progress
you've all made.

Lacey, instead of desperately
trying to get money from men,

you have your own
shoe company

and you're in a healthy
relationship with Nolan.

And it'd be so much better
if you'd just stick around

and made sure he keeps
doing everything I want.

God!

Nolan, you're in a borderline
abusive relationship

with Lacey,
but it works for you.

And you're so much
more confident than when
you came to this group.

Without this group,
I'll die.

See? You spoke up
for yourself.

And look at you, Patrick.

You're on your way
to becoming a great designer.

And you're not afraid
of your dead mother anymore.

[ whispers ]
I still see her ghost
when I'm in the shower.

But you're not afraid.

And, Ed. Ed, you have
conquered your anger

enough to get back
together with your wife.

And last night
you actually agreed on
the firmness of your bed.

There's no way
I'm gonna top that,

so I am dropping the mic
and walking away.

Well, don't drop it
too quick,

because now that
we're back together,

I'm beginning to remember
why I left her.

Charlie, can I
talk to you?

All right, guys.
Let's take a five.

You're breaking up
our partnership with
a text message?

You can't do that.

You women
need to get together

and figure out
the rules.

Well, obviously
I was gonna sit down
and talk to you about it.

I don't think I can handle
the clinic by myself.

The whole program
was your idea.

Jordan, you can do this.
I know you can.

Who's always saying,

"Charlie, you
contribute nothing"?

Come on,
who says it?

I guess I do.

And who's always
saying, "Charlie,

you do more harm
than good with those
prisoners"?

I guess
that's me, too.

There you go.

[ sighs ]
You really think
I can do this?

Who's always saying,
"Charlie, I don't care
what you think.

- You're an idiot"?
- That's definitely me.

Thanks, Charlie.
You sure you don't need
this for your road trip?

Nah, I don't need
to bring much.

After the home stand,
it's a short trip down
to San Diego.

Well, have a great time
in Mexico.

Oh, I will.
Javier's place
is right on the beach.

And we always have
so much fun.

I think I'm starting
to fall for this guy.

I mean, sometimes you meet
someone and you just know...

they're really rich.

Is he "I don't need to give
you alimony anymore" rich?

'Cause if so,
I'm starting to fall
for him, too.

Well, he is raking it in
with his dollmaking business.

I mean, he's got a boat,
a penthouse in Tijuana,

security guards, like,
16 different nicknames,

so you know
people like him.

Jen, you're dating
a drug dealer.

God, you sound just like
everyone in my family.

It's all good.
I'll see you
when I get back.

All right.

Would you like me to bring
you a doll as a souvenir?

No.
Maybe a small one.

Adios.

[ knocking ]

Coming.

- [ banging ]
- Coming.

For the hundredth time,
I'm coming.

Hey, guys.
What are you doing here?

You can't go.

Sure, I can.
I got my driver's license.

Look, my luggage rolls
in every direction.

Not like the crappy suitcase
I just gave Jen.

You're not going anywhere.
We sabotaged your car.

- Didn't we, Ed?
- No.

I'm no good with
these modern cars.

I yanked on some wires,
but I think all I did

was disable
his DVD player.

Well, I've never watched
a DVD once in there,

but that's
devastating.

You can't leave, Charlie.
My landlord just informed me

that he wants
to put carpeting over
my hardwood floors.

And if a truck pulls up
with a roll of synthetic,
beige Monsanto,

I will raze the building
and salt the earth.

And my shoe distributor
is coming up again
for a meeting

and Nolan's getting
ready to fight him.

This morning,
he ate eggs instead of
a bowl of Skittles.

He's in training.

I'm dedicated and I'm not
gonna taste the rainbow again

until that guy
tastes my fists.

Guys, please stop.
This is all my fault
to begin with.

I kept intervening so you
guys never got a chance
to solve your own problems.

But it's done.
I'm going.

Fine, we'll leave.

Thank you.

Can I take your bag
to the car for you?

Why, so you can run off
with it and make me
miss the game?

Okay, never mind.

Can we at least
have a hug?

Sure.

Ed, grab the bag
and run!

I got it!

Ow! Son of a bitch!
My back!

Are we done now?

Whoa.
What's all this?

Now that I'm running
the clinic,

I want to remind people
that this is a place that
nourishes the soul.

I'd like to taste
your soul.

Brr-rr.
I feel like you just did.

Now, have a seat
by the fountain.

[ water trickling ]

This is where I'm gonna
be interviewing prisoners.
How does it make you feel?

Like we're doing a morning
talk show at a prison.

[ sighs ]
All right.

I'm gonna let
the first prisoner in.

Oh, my God.
There's like 50
prisoners out there.

What the hell
is going on?

You didn't hear
the news?

The governor commuted
a boatload of sentences

to take care
of prison crowding.

You're gonna be preparing
like 1,000 guys

to hit the streets
in the next week.

Well, luckily
I have my calming

aromatherapy candle.

- That's really gonna help?
- Yes.

I'm gonna take a couple
of deep breaths,

light the curtains on fire,
and when this place burns,

it'll give me
a day or two to figure
out what I'm gonna do.

Wow, being in a locker room
really takes me back
to my playing days.

Can almost hear
the manager saying, "Goodson,
you're killing my career

and quit
stealing peanuts."

You're really gonna enjoy
working with these guys.

Come on.
All right, everybody,
gather around.

Listen up.

You might recognize
this guy.

Charlie Goodson.
he used to catch
for this team.

My hair was different
and I had a mask on.

Anyway, he's our new
team psychologist.

If you have anything,
anything that is bothering
you at all,

you take it up
with this man.
He can help you out.

- They're all yours.
- Thanks.

Hey, Charlie.
Dave Loftus.

- Welcome aboard.
- Second base, right?

That's right.

Look, this is kind
of tough for me

to talk about,
but I have some
father issues.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Your father was mad
at me for banging
your mom all night.

If that's the reason
you're batting .200,

maybe we should
talk about it.

- Hey, Jed Zeile, right?
- Yeah.

Heard you had a problem
with the press.

If you want my help
with that, let me know.

I could
use your help.

I ripped the crotch
in this thing.

You can
sew it up for me.

Great group
of guys, huh?

I don't think your players
want anything to do with me.

Well, look,
even if they don't,
who gives a damn?

You're back in the show.
There's travel, there's women.

Plus, once this
works out with us,

maybe you
pick up a basketball
or football team.

Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
This will be great.

[ phone chimes ]

- Hello?
- Charlie, it's Nolan.

I've got
another job now, buddy.
You can't do this anymore.

Look, do you have
a recognizance I can borrow?

- A what?
- They said I could get out,

but "not on my own
recognizance."

I guess I need
somebody else's.

You're in jail?
You didn't attack that
shoe buyer guy, did you?

I was trying to handle it
on my own like you said.

So I climbed over the guy's
gate to choke him out,

but my belt loop got caught
and the cops grabbed me.

I never got what
all those belt loops were
supposed to do anyway.

They're for belts, Nolan.

And everybody
who buys pants

is just supposed
to know that?

Hey, I'm sorry
about what I said
about your mother.

- No, that's okay.
- And I'll apologize
to her tonight...

when I'm done
banging her.
[ laughs ]

It's funny.
I got my mom
on the phone.

She says
she doesn't know you.
Oh, wait, wait, wait

You must be
"Hair-trigger" Loftus.

Yeah, Mom.
Yeah, he's right here.

No, he's not
crying now.

- Jordan?
- Hey, Charlie!

Just cleaning out
my coffee pot.

Got to keep it clean.

I just came by to pick up
a couple of things.

I see you've redecorated.

Oh, I just haven't had
a chance to straighten up

since the governor decided
to clean out the prisons

and triple my workload.

That would explain
the garbage in the fountain.

But it doesn't
explain the smell.

I know, but in the defense
of three of the prisoners,

it does look like
a very fancy urinal.

[ laughs ]

[ sobbing ]

- Are you okay?
- Sure!

I would be
totally behind,

but I have been awake
for three days straight.

Me and coffee,
we did it together.

But now coffee's gone
and I'm really sad.

[ sobbing ]

- Charlie!
- Guys.

Oh, my God!
Thank goodness
you're here.

We wanted to help her
clean up the place,

but she
won't let us.

Watch.
Hey, Jordan.

Let me file these
for you.

[ growls ]
Don't touch those!
I'm not finished yet!

Wow. You just scared
a bunch of murderers.

That's what
you can do for me.
Go get me some coffee.

I don't care where
you have to go or who
you have to kill.

- All right.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

She doesn't mean that.
She just wants some coffee.

Damn, now it's
just an errand.

Like that's any fun.

Hey, I've got 15 minutes
till my next patient.

Let's hang out
and get caught up.

I just ordered coffee.
How you been?

Well...

I bailed Nolan
out of jail,

talked him out of
strangling a shoe buyer,

and bought him a pair
of yoga pants to avoid

another stressful
belt loop situation.

Charlie,
there you go again

needing to be needed
by your patients.

It's totally
dysfunctional.

Hey, hey, hey, he's not
even my patient anymore.

Exactly.

So why are you
doing this?

For him or for you?

[ laughs ]
I love it when my horses
dance like that.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hey, Charlie.
You got my tickets?

Yes, I do.

And they are right
above the dugout.

Dugout? I'm not
behind home plate?

Dad, these are
excellent seats
and they're free.

Why can't free tickets
be behind home plate?

Or at least on
the third base side.

You know how much I hate
the first base side.

Okay, one more complaint

and a couple of egg shells
and some coffee grinds

are gonna be sitting
right above the dugout.

No, no, no.
Wait, wait, it's okay.

It's okay, I'm sorry
I complained.

- You really
put me in my place.
- Thank you.

Three rows back.
I'll bring my binoculars.

So your job-- how's it feel
to be back in that world again?

It's awesome, Dad.
It's what I was
meant to do.

Good to hear, Charlie.
Hey, thanks for the tickets.

And by the way,
how about a few bucks
for parking?

Fine.

No, wait, the parking
is at least 20.

This is only a 10.

No, wait,
I'll take the 10.

Take the bus.

No, how about some money
for a snack?

It's all bruised.

Get out of my house.

All right, guys.
Let's start this up.

Who wants to go first?

I just want to tell everybody
what I've learned

from almost making the biggest
mistake of my life.

- I think--
- Very touching.

Charlie, I still
don't understand.

Why did you give up
the baseball job?

Well, you guys are--

you're screwed up
and you need me.

So you came back
for us?

That's the nicest thing
a man's ever done for me.

Hey!

Me, too.

Me, too.

I had a fella jump on
a grenade for me in Vietnam,

so, tsk,
I'm good.

No, no.
This is about me.

I came back
because I'm screwed up

and I need you.

This entire relationship
is completely dysfunctional.

As long as the American
Psychological Association

doesn't catch on,
we'll keep it going.

So...

who wants to start?