All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E89.Charlie.and.the.Sexy.Swing.Vote.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Okay, in the last five
minutes of group today,

I'd like to ask Nolan
what we've all been too
polite to bring up--

who did your hair

and what time
is the yearbook photo?

Well, I did it.

And I think
it looks terrific.

Nolan's meeting
my parents this week.

Wow, well,
that's big.

And I hope they
like him because--

and I'm really
proud of this--

Nolan is the first man
I'm introducing to my parents

who I'm not using
to cheat them out of money.

Round of applause, everyone.

I don't know what
you're worried about, Lacey.
Parents love me.

Especially when they
understand I'm only hanging
around the playground

because the slide
is awesome.

They're not going to love you
and they're not supposed to.

First time I met
my father-in-law,

he punched me
right in the face.

I thought it went
pretty well.

Don't worry, Nolan.
It can't be worse

than when my last boyfriend
took me to meet his dad.

- He didn't like you?
- No, I didn't like him.

He lived in a trailer.

He punched me right in
the face-- with his poverty.

You're gonna
do great, Nolan.

Just be prepared to answer
a few simple questions

like, "Where are you from?"

"What are your hobbies?"
"What do you do?"

Well, I'm screwed.

All right,
maybe this will help.

In a thing like this,
you're dating the girl,

not the mom and dad.

Unless the mom's crazy hot,

in which case you have
my summer of '93.

Hey, guys.
Sorry to interrupt.

No, it's fine.
All right, that's time.

See you all
next Monday.

Charlie, I want to talk
about the budget again.

I told you, we are not
using government money

to send out Christmas
cards from our office.
We work in a prison.

It'll be fun,

you, me, and a prisoner
playing Santa.

Oh, that'll be great.

"Hey, kids, who's that
coming down the chimney?

Oh, it's Santa Claus
and he's here to kill us
in our sleep."

Oh, my God,
I am so tired

of arguing with you
about everything

from scheduling and protocols
to where we're ordering lunch.

Well, we wouldn't argue
if you'd just agree with me

and realize that all
your opinions are wrong.

I wish there was someone
in the office who could
act as a tiebreaker.

Fine, then let's
hire somebody--

another psychologist
to help us out.

We have a backlog
of prisoners to see anyway.

Great, we'll post
on the psychology
job boards tonight

and we'll
start interviewing
people tomorrow.

But I will need a picture
of you, me, and a prisoner
to show what we do.

Oh, come on.
You're just gonna
Photoshop a white beard

and a red suit
on the prisoner,
aren't you?

How dare you
accuse me of...

something
I was gonna do?

- Hey, Charlie.
- Oh, hey.

Oh.

Hello, Jordan.

Hello, Sean.

Well, this is awkward.

I take it you two
haven't seen each other
since the breakup?

It's not awkward at all.
How are you, Sean?

I am well, Jordan.
How are you?

I am also well, Sean.

Yep, not awkward
at all.

Well, I gotta go.

- So over that girl.
- Me, too.

You know what?
I'm actually gonna
hire somebody

just to agree with me
so she loses every argument.

That's a very orderly
sense of revenge.

And it creates jobs.

Well, it seems like
all of your qualifications
are in order.

And it says here
you've even done some
anger management work.

Yes, when I was
completing my clinical
hours, that's correct.

So what we're looking
for is someone

who's not afraid
to voice their opinions.

Oh, I can do that.

Okay, as an example,

I prefer to interview
the prisoners

inside the cubicles
for privacy.

I absolutely agree.

See, I feel that
small spaces make prisoners
feel tense and guarded

because it reminds them
of their cells.

You're completely right.

Okay, we could do
sessions out here.

I just think we need

to paint the walls blue
to make it more calming.

I think blue is the best
possible color.

- I prefer yellow.
- Even better.

Well, this has been
a really terrific interview.

Just one more thing.
We are looking for someone

who isn't afraid
to voice their opinions.

And you think
you can do that?

Voice my opinion?

[ chuckles ]
Yeah, okay.

All right, yeah, I was
hoping you would say that.

I've been sitting here
for the last hour

wondering how is it you guys
are interviewing me.

I mean, look at you.
You in that dress,

you in those shorts.

What is this,
an English day school?

Oh, and are we
gonna do dressage

on one of your little
plastic horses?

You know what?
I think this entire program

is ridiculous
and unnecessary.

So you know what?
Why don't you
be honest with me?

Did I get the job?

And, no, I'm not
the least bit hesitant
to express my opinion.

And when I worked in that
minimum security prison
for two years,

I was very vocal about
possible improvements
to the program.

And you're
a doctoral candidate.

Plus your dissertation
is on anger in the workplace
and productivity.

- Yes, it is.
- So why did you get
into psychology?

And if you say,
"To help people,"
that's gonna blow my mind

because that's why
I did it.

- [ phone chimes ]
- Thank you so much
for coming in.

We'll be in touch
before the holidays.

- Hello?
- It's so nice to meet you.

You have a great resume
and you're really smart.

And I'm sure you realize
that in office politics

it's best to align yourself
with the top person.

I hear you
loud and clear.

Let me ask you
something.

You don't think that
sending out Christmas cards

from an office like this
would be appropriate, do you?

Absolutely not.

I think we're gonna
get along great.

Me, too.
As long as you
understand

that I don't date
people I work with

and any unwanted advances
will be met with a lawsuit.

Well, that goes
without saying.

I mean, now it goes
without saying.

Let me go
make this happen.

Well? I think we found
our new associate.

Okay, now I know
what your penis thinks.
What do you think?

I think we should
hire her.

And for the record,
she doesn't date people
that she works with.

And my penis and I talked,
and we don't want a lawsuit.

My penis and I
are saving up for a boat.

All right, fine.

- We can hire her.
- Great.

But, you know, I have had
some thoughts on how we
could redo the office.

Well, you should
write them down

and when Brianne gets
here, we take a vote.

[ theme music playing ]

So this new girl,
you're gonna get
with her, right?

No, Ernesto.

Women were not put
on this earth so we could
use them for things.

I just want this woman
to agree with me so I can
crush Jordan's spirit.

Ooh.

You know what,
Charlie?

I was just looking at
our schedule and something
just occurred to me.

If we came in half an hour
earlier every day,

we could see five extra
prisoners a week.

Yeah, and if we got here
at sunrise, we could paint
the barn and milk the cows.

I have other therapy groups.
I have a life.

What do you think,
Brianne?

I agree with you.

You hear that, Jordan?
We hired an objective voice

and the objective voice
agrees with me.

Except I also think
it's more important

to get through
this terrible backlog
that you have built up.

So I'm gonna have to go
with Jordan on this one.

Told you--
what?!

I'm sorry, I agree
with Jordan, Charlie.

Okay, we are hopelessly
deadlocked on this one.

No, we are not.
Brianne and I agree
two to one.

And while we're talking,
I think we should stay open
late on Wednesday nights.

Why, so we can get all
the after-theater traffic?

This is a prison,
not an ice cream parlor.

Right, Brianne?

Sorry, you guys
do have a backlog.

I'd like to vote
on something.

I vote that we never use
the word "backlog" again.

You're kidding me.
I'm losing on "backlog"?

Charlie, here are
your reindeer ears.

Adorable.

Brianne and I decided
that we're gonna shoot
the Christmas card photo today.

- What?
- I'll be right back.

I have to go get
our Santa look-alike.

He's in the infirmary
with a shiv wound,

but he can stand long
enough to take a photo.

Christmas miracle.

Brianne, you said
you agreed with me
about the Christmas card.

Hey, Jordan had
a good argument.

Besides, I only agreed
with you to get the job.

I just did
what I had to do.

Thank you.

I'd fire you,
but I don't think
I have the votes.

Don't be nervous, Nolan.

I already told my parents
that you aren't rich,

successful, cultured,
educated or anything.

Hope I can
live up to that.

But just so you know,
I'm not nervous.

10 minutes ago, you said
you were freaking out.

Yeah, but five minutes ago,
I got super baked.

What? My parents
are gonna be here
any second.

Hey, I know how
to hold my weed.

I have 35 years
of experience.

You're 34.

But my mom
was ripping bongs
through her pregnancy.

- [ knocking ]
- Don't blow this.

Mom, Dad.

I'm so glad
you made it.

Of course.
And this must be Nolan.

Yes, Nolan,
we've heard
so many great--

well, we've heard
things about you.

Very nice to meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Patel.

I really like your dress.
And your jewelry.

It's shiny and jingly.

It reminds me
of Christmas.

And that reminds me
of eggnog,

which is delicious.

Oh, yes, eggnog.

A delicious Christmas
treat for boys and girls.

And he's stoned out
of his mind, isn't he?

I told you,
he's very childlike.

And saying
dumb things is an
important part of that.

Lacey, please, I don't want
to start my relationship

with your parents
by lying.

What were we
talking about?

Oh, Lacey.
You've always dated
these club boys.

And now you're with
this stoner?

How little you must
think of yourself.

You're right, ma'am.
Lacey doesn't think
much of herself.

At least that's what
our therapist says.

And he has brown hair.

But I think
she is wonderful.

And she also has
brown hair.

I've seen enough.
Mira, let's go.

No, Dad,
you don't understand.

Nolan is a great guy.
You just have to get
to know him.

I don't need
to know him

because I'm aware
of the effects
of the ganja.

He'll never be anything
more than a lazy slacker
the rest of his life.

[ sighs ]

Unfortunately, Lacey,

you continue to be
a constant disappointment.

Wait.
What if I stopped?

- Oh, please.
- No, seriously.

I'll get rid
of my pot right now.

I keep my stash
in her fridge.

There. If turning on
this garbage disposal

doesn't prove how serious
I am about my future
with your daughter,

I don't know what will.

[ disposal whirring ]

[ whirring stops ]

Nolan, I can't believe
you just did that.

Do you see what
a great guy he is?

We'll watch
his progress.

Thank you.

Whatever lives in
the sewer is gonna have
a great time tonight.

Remind me to throw
some Doritos down there
in 20 minutes.

Okay.

Okay, everybody,
I'd like you to meet
a new member of our group.

This is Bobo.

Now, Bobo is here
to punch when you're
feeling frustrated.

That's what my cellmate
Frankie is for.

Can't we just
bring in Frankie?

No.

Bobo is here to allow
Frankie's brain swelling
to go down.

We just had a session
with Jordan about violence

- and Jordan says that--
- Jordan says a lot
of things.

Jordan leaves the radio
on at night

so the plastic horsies on her
desk don't get lonely.

But let's all do
what Jordan says.

Ooh, having a little problem
with Jordan, are we?

I'm sorry.
We just got a new associate

and she sides with Jordan
on everything.

If you want two women
to stop getting along,

get them fighting
over a man.

Should be
a handsome one.

I'd like to volunteer
my services.

Wait a minute,
didn't Jordan used to date

that scrumptious
piece of man candy, Sean?

You mean my friend?
The pale guy who always
looks confused?

Yeah, she
used to see him.

Well, if Jordan finds out
that Sean dated this
new associate,

her extensions would
fly into space.

You're right.
Especially if she
sees them together.

Exactly.
She would kick this
new girl to the curb

faster than Nicki Minaj
could write another song
about her giant ass.

Listen, guys,
I've done a lot

of bad things
to Jordan before

and I don't want
to get caught.

No, you just have to
make it look like Sean

and the new girl
met by accident.

Sort of like Nicki Minaj
makes it look like

she got more to offer
than her giant ass.

What the hell did
Nicki Minaj do to you?

She won't
write me back.

Guys, guys, I don't know if
I want to use my best friend

to get an innocent
person fired.

I mean, can you imagine doing
anything more evil than that?

I once attended
a human skin-tasting party.

Let me guess,
when you say "party,"

it was just you and one dude
without skin?

That's right.

Okay, if that's a 10,

mine's maybea two.

Hey, Nolan.
How was your day?

Ooh, take off your shoes.
Take off your shoes.

What's going on?

I shampooed
your carpet.

I got out the sponges
and the mops

and the foamy stuff,
I cleaned the whole place.

I did mine, too.

Okay, what has
gotten into you?

This is who I am
when I'm not on weed.

I got a lot
of natural energy.

Oh, don't put the shoes
on the couch!

[ laughs ]
I just conditioned
the leather.

Okay. Okay.
Calm down.

No, no, no.
It's great.

Catching up on a lot of things
I've wanted to do for years.

Want to go for a jog
in the park?

I signed us up
for cooking class.

Okay, you have a lot
of energy for me right now.

Okay? we're gonna sit
here on the couch

and watch some of your
favorite cartoons, okay?

Watched a couple
when I was vacuuming.

You know what?
They're kind of predictable
and poorly drawn.

Who are you?!

I am the person your parents
are going to love.

[ speaking Hindi ]

[ speaking Hindi ]

I know!

This is how I was
before I started smoking.

I haven't felt this way
since I was cleaning my house
when I was 14

and I found pot
in my dad's sock drawer.

Look, I made a candle.

Hey, where's Jordan?
She's usually early
for everything.

Yeah, my bad.
I accidently
told her 7:15

and I can't
get a hold of her.

- Hmm.
- Oh, look.

It's my buddy Sean.

- Hey, sorry I'm late.
- Hey.

For what?

You called me
a half an hour ago,

asked me if I wanted
to grab dinner with you.

Oh, that's right.
That's right.

I completely forgot
that I had this meeting.

What an accident.

Brianne, my friend Sean.
Sean, Brianne.

- Hey. Nice to meet you.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

Why don't you take a seat
and I'll go grab you a beer?

Okay, well, I'll take
a burger as well.

No, you will not.

And sit here.

Okay.

Ahem.

Keep an eye on these
for me, will you?

I have a date later on
and I don't want you
stepping on them.

Wait, so then why did you
put them under the table
in the first place?

It's embarrassing.
It's for a girl.

Gee whiz.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Jordan, hey.

Sit down.
Let me buy you a drink.

Oh, wait,
you're an alcoholic.
You buy me a drink.

Buy your own drink.
You're the guy who told me

to meet you here to talk
about Wayne's anger issues.

You're right.
I did. I did.
And I--

- oh, my God.
- What's the matter?

Don't turn around.
It'll just make you sad.

Why? Is it that old lady
who comes in here

and eats cake
all by herself?

You know what?
We should just leave.

[ sighs ]
Oh, my God.

It's Sean
with Brianne.

Are they on a date?

With all those roses,
it sure looks like it.

- I can't believe this.
- Me neither.

It's gonna make things tough
for you around the office.

Every time she gets flowers,
you'll know it's him.

Every time she leaves early,
you'll know it's him.

- Every time
she talks about sex--
- That's it, she's fired!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
you can't just fire somebody
for dating your ex.

You can, however,
make something up

so we don't get sued
for wrongful termination.

Then I'll do that.

Wow, on the outside,
Southern belle,

inside, pure assassin.

Oh, my God.
It was so freezing
out there.

I know.
How great was that?

Some people would say
that kind of cold

would ruin
hiking and kayaking
and whale watching,

but I just say
it's more nature.
Bring it on.

I'm gonna go
take a nap.

Because if I don't,
I'll die.

No, you can't nap.
Your parents are coming
in an hour

and you got to help me
put dinner on the table.

Why would you invite
my parents to dinner?

Because I want to show
them how different I am
when I'm not smoking weed.

Unless you don't think
I'm different.

Am I different?
Oh, my God, I'm not
different!

Yes, you are different.

And I want to say this
in the nicest possible way

so that I don't
hurt your feelings.

I hate you.

But your parents
will like me.

I don't care anymore.

Nolan, are you happy?

No, I hate
being like this!

I hated it
when I was a kid.

That sock drawer
changed my life.

Man, I love
that sock drawer.

I'm gonna build
a sock drawer.

Nolan, if you're not happy,
then for the love of God,

go smoke some weed.

No, I can't.
I told your parents

I don't smoke anymore
and I'm not gonna be a liar.

Then you can eat it.

I'm gonna go
get some pot

and put it in
your damn food.

But your parents
will be able to tell
that I'm stoned.

No, they won't,

because they're gonna be
eating the same damn food.

What's wrong with you?

Why wouldn't you tell me
that Brianne works with you
and Jordan at the clinic?

She does?
That's where
I know her from.

Don't screw with me.

Because you used me to get
Jordan to fire Brianne.

No, I didn't.
How'd you find out?

Because I was
with Brianne

when she got the text
from Jordan that she was fired

and I put all that
together.

And now Jordan
is pissed at me.

I just needed Jordan
to see you two together.

I didn't think you guys
would actually go out.

Why not?
She's a total hottie.

Because I figured
you'd say something
like "total hottie"

during drinks and her
education would kick in,
that'd be the end of it.

Well, I can't believe
that you did this.

All right, did I go
a little overboard?
Maybe.

But I got my way
and only three people
got hurt.

I figured I could
fix that last part.

Charlie!

Well, you can start fixing
the Jordan thing right now

because I told her
everything.

This is the lowest thing
that you have ever done.

That's debatable.

You preyed on my emotions
to get what you wanted.

Okay, you're right.
You're right.

And I'm sorry that I exploited
your feelings for Sean.

I don't have feelings
for Sean.

That's what people say
when they have feelings
for someone.

That's why I know Sean
has feelings for you.

I don't have
feelings for her.

Exhibit A.

You're not getting out
of this by making this
about me and Sean.

I know,
but please let me try.
It's the perfect diversion.

[ sighs ]

Did you hear the way
you said "me and Sean"?

It wasn't like,
"Me and Sean."

It was like,
"Me and Sean!"

There was a thing there.
Did you feel a thing?

I kind of felt a thing.

Oh, come on, Jordan.
Just admit you felt
a thing, too.

I am not
playing this game.

Besides, I don't think
Sean meant it.

Well,
sure, he did.

No, I meant it.

- I missed you so much.
- I missed you, too.

That's why
I did all this.

So you two would finally
get back together and--

Oh, shut up, Charlie.

All right, I'm gonna
go to bed now.

Just lock up
when you leave.