All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E88.Charlie.Gets.Tied.Up.With.A.Catholic.Girl.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

No, the cable person
was an hour and a half late.

I don't know why
that surprised me.

Because they're never
on time?

No, because they had told me
to expect

a guy named Davon
or Javon or Kavon.

I'm pretty sure that "von"
is African for "late."

There it is.
Patrick?

[ imitating fanfare ]

- Congratulations, Ed.
- [ pops ]

That is the 1,000th racial slur
that you've said in group.

[ crying ]
I'm so touched.

You think nobody's listening,
and it turns out they are.

Here you go, Ed.
We got you this.

It says "World-Class Jackass"
in both English and Spanish

because we know
how much you hate that
on government forms.

Why did you get him
a bowling trophy?

I asked for one
with a Klan guy on top,

but that really
pisses them off down there

at Davon's Trophies.

Sorry I'm late.

Lacey, we're about
done here.

Yeah, I know,
but I just wanted to get
your opinion on this.

Oh, my God.

I think that dress
is beautiful, Lacey.

Uh, no,
it's not the dress.

Can't you tell I'm wearing
a fake pregnant stomach?

Yeah, but I didn't want
to say anything just in case

the dress was making you
look hugely fat.

Lacey, why are you
pretending to be pregnant?

Probably because
some rich old boyfriend's
coming into town

and she wants to shake
some money out of him.

That is so not true.

I have my rich old grandma
coming in from India

and I want to shake
some money out of her.

Welcome to America,
Grandma.

That's how we do it here.

My grandma has this family
heirloom ring

that's worth, like,
a kajillion dollars.

And she said that whichever
grandchild has a kid first
is gonna get it.

Lacey, this is so selfish.
You're a fake mother.

You're supposed
to be a role model
for your pretend baby.

Well, I am not gonna
let my sister get that ring.

She sleeps with everybody,
and she cannot get pregnant
before me.

And I am not selfish.

If anything, I am making
the ultimate sacrifice

by letting myself
look like a backward
version of Kim Kardashian.

Lacey, not to poke
any holes in your latest
get-rich-quick scheme,

which is, like,
your hundredth this year...

[ imitating fanfare ]

Patrick, I was exaggerating
to make a point.

[ fanfare fades ]

At some point, you're gonna
have to produce a real baby.

No, that's
the beautiful part.

My Grandma Mumbai
is so old and sick

that by the time
I'm gonna have this baby,

she'll be dead.

Oh, hey, everyone.
Charlie, you got a second?

Yeah, sure.
We're just wrapping up here.

See you all next Monday.

Lacey!

Congratulations!
When's the big day?

Well, I'm showing
my grandma this weekend

and then I'm tossing it
in the dumpster.

Hey, Martin, you find
a new roommate yet?

I feel bad about
leaving you high and dry.

No, no,
I understand, Ed.

You had to get back
to your wife.

Who cares if my rent doubled,
my pension plan bellied up,

and I'm barely getting by
on Social Security?

- As long as you're happy.
- Oh, I am!

Dottie's making a pot roast
and we just got HBO.

[ clicks tongue ]

You are surrounded
by demons.

Yeah, and sometimes
they just show up
at the front door.

[ laughs ]
That's very funny.

You are a very funny man.

So how's my favorite son?

I'm not lending
you money, Dad.

I would never ask you
to lend me money.

Give me money, yes,
but not lend me money.

I didn't lend you life,
I gave you life.

But that's not
why I'm here.

Listen, great news--
there is a new woman
in my life.

Dad, I told you,
Siri is just a voice
in your iPhone.

Her name is Joanne
and things are starting
to get pretty serious.

But before we go any further,
she'd like to meet my family.

Look, I don't want
any part of this.

Just do what I do
when someone wants
to meet my family.

- What?
- Tell them
they're all dead.

[ groans ]

And when she starts crying,
go for it.

We are talking about
moving in together, Charlie.

But first she wants
to be sure that I am a person
of good character.

People my age still care
about that, see?

Well, then,
you're screwed.

You heard me call you
a demon earlier, right?

Listen, this is
very important.

I have been going on and on
about how accomplished you are

and she's very impressed.

But I may have
exaggerated a bit.

I told her that you had
a master's in psychology.

I do have a master's
in psychology.

- From Harvard.
- No, from Cal State
Dominguez Hills.

Which everyone knows
is a division of Harvard.

- No, it's not.
- It is now. Congratulations.

[ sighs ]

No, listen, you can help
put this over the top, son.

She can
take care of me.

She's got a house
on a golf course,
for God's sakes.

Does that little windmill
block your view of the rest
of the holes?

I'm very serious.
This is real money.

You're just with her
'cause she's rich?

That's horrible.

With my current
financial situation, son,

if this doesn't work out,
I'm moving back in with you.

You know what?
Love grows.

What time are you kids
stopping by?

[ theme music playing ]

[ knocks ]

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey there, Charlie.

I'd like you
to meet Joanne.

- Very nice to meet you.
- And you.

You know,
all your father does
is talk about you.

About your therapy practice,
about your baseball career,

and about your work
with the starving children
in Africa.

Yeah, you'd wonder
what a psychologist
could do about that.

You'd think their problem
would be hunger.

But it turns out
it's low self-esteem
and bad body image.

We have a mutual
love and respect
for each other, Joanne.

I'm a little embarrassed
to say it in front of him,

but just last week he said
that I was the best father

he could ever
possibly imagine.

And, believe me,
I have tried to imagine
a lot of different fathers.

Oh, you know, I'm sorry,
but we really have to go.

My daughter's in the car
and we don't want to be
late for church.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm sorry, what?

Oh, you remember, Charlie.

I told you we're going
to mass together.

That's right. I'm sorry.
I messed up.

I accidentally went
to the early mass.

I received communion
just hours ago.

I've already had
my recommended

daily allowance
of the body of Christ.

Oh, what a shame.

Mary Kathleen
is going to be singing
the responsorial song today.

That's right, Charlie.
You don't want to miss that.

I really don't,
but I wouldn't be able
to stay long anyway.

I teach a Bible study class
to the underprivileged.

I thought it was time
that somebody finally brought
religion to the poor.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I really need to get
to church.

Joanne: Yes.

Oh, hi.
You must be Charlie.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Let's go.

Uh, I thought you
had a Bible class
for the underprivileged.

Well, the Bible
is filled with mysteries

and today's mystery
is where's Charlie?

[ organ music playing ]

It never really feels
like a Sunday until I bless
myself with holy water.

Really? 'Cause it never
feels like Sunday to me

- until about 4:00
in the afternoon.
- [ laughs ]

Anything before that
is still Saturday night.

Charlie, let's light
a candle for Aunt Rose.

I'll see you in there.

We'll be right in.

I'll give Aunt Rose
a fiver.

Bought me
my first pack of smokes.

The hell with Aunt Rose.

Stop flirting
with Mary Kathleen.

Dad, I can't help it
that I'm naturally charming.

You know, it skipped
a generation.

[ whispering ]
Charlie, listen to me.

Mary Kathleen is a virgin.

[ laughs ]
She's a what?

Joanne tells me
that she's proud her daughter's
saving herself for marriage.

Well, that's crazy.
I've been married

and it's not worth
saving yourself for.

You keep your pants on
unless you want to see me

walking around your house
without mine for the rest
of your life.

Well, that's impossible.

The best part
about being a kid
is the parents die first.

I'm warning you,
stay away from that girl.

Fine.

Charlie, there's room
next to me.

No, no, I like sitting
closer to the front.

That way my prayers
get answered first.

Priest:
Let us begin
with silent prayer.

Hi. Mind if I keep
you company?

Sure. Just know
that I am a wild
genuflector.

People on both sides of me
have taken elbows to the face
in the name of God.

I want you to spank me
like an angry nun.

I'm sorry, what?

I want you to tie me up
and teach me who's boss.

Well, according
to this book,
God's boss.

If you ask me,
close second--
Bruce Springsteen.

I know I come off
as a sweet little
church girl,

but I like doing things
worth going to
confession for.

Have you considered
robbing a liquor store?

Priest:
Mary Kathleen
will join us now.

I gotta go sing for God.

He knows I'm not
wearing any underwear

and now so do you.

[ sighs ]

Lord, give me the strength
to resist temptation.

I'm serious this time.

I don't want to do this.

You don't know anything
about being pregnant

and your grandmother
is gonna figure that out
right away.

Shh, relax, Nolan.

I skimmed a stupid baby book.
Everything will be fine.

- What's a C-section?
- Really bad seats
in a concert. Next.

So, Lacey,

I always knew
you would be the first one

to give me
a great-grandchild.

I just thought
it would happen
in high school.

Well, I think you have
the wrong impression
of me, Grandma,

because Nolan is actually
the first man that I've
ever been with.

So how has the pregnancy
been so far?

It's not what I expected
now that I'm expecting.

For example,
in the first trimester,

I experienced one, nausea;
two, hemorrhoids;

and, three, other symptoms
depending on the individual.

So where's that ring,
Grandma?

Here it is, dear.

This ring was made
for my great-great-grandmother

- and has the largest ruby--
- [ knock on door ]

Hey, Grandma.
Guess who's pregnant!

- You.
- You.

Sateen.

Lacey, you did not tell me
your sister is also pregnant.

Well, she didn't
even know herself
until this morning.

I thought
I was retaining water,
but then it started moving.

Now I'm doubly blessed.

I'm in my third
trimester, Grandma.

I'm in my fourth.

Hey, you wanna go
play laser tag?

Laser tag?
What are we, 12?

Hell, yeah,
I wanna play laser tag.

Awesome.

Dude, let's go.
I will check times.

Damn it.

How could they have
birthday parties all day?

Kids ruin it
for everybody.

I really could've used
the distraction, too.

[ sighs ]

I gotta take my mind
off of Mary Kathleen.

Mary Kathleen?
What is she, a nun?

No, no, no,
she is not a nun.

She is the fantasy girl
of all fantasies.

You're kidding.

Where'd you meet
a hot Asian flamenco dancer
with an eye patch?

What? No, no.

She's a good Catholic girl
who wants to do
very bad things,

but it'd be a problem
for my dad.

What's with
the eye patch?

That way she's never
fully naked.

You want
to leave a little bit
to the imagination.

What are you imagining?
It's an eye.

[ phone chimes ]

Ooh, hey, text message
from the laser tag place.

Two of the Weinberg kids--
out sick.

- We're in.
- Oh, that's great.

[ knocks ]

Hi.

Hi, Mary Kathleen.
What are you doing here?

I wanted to talk to you
for a minute.

I need to apologize.

Sure. Please, come on in.
This is my friend Sean.

- Sean, Mary Kathleen.
- Nice to meet you.

Hi.

I'm gonna leave
you two alone.

Ahem.

[ snaps fingers ]

Listen, you really
don't need to apologize.

No, I do.

I thought about it
and I realized I can't
have sex with you.

For the first time
since my father died,
my mom is finally happy.

But if she thinks
you deflowered me,

she'll judge your father
and that'll ruin everything.

I was worried
about the same thing.

I don't want to do anything
to break them up.

Because you love your father
so much, you want him
to be happy, too?

[ stammers ]
Sure, let's go with that.

Too bad.

I really want you.

No, wait, wait, wait.
This can work.

We both have something
to keep a secret.

Now you can do all that stuff
that you talked about in church.

Well, I'll just
have to, um,

spend a little extra time
in confession tomorrow.

From your mouth
to God's ears.

So when I got pregnant
three weeks before Lacey,

I thought, "Wow,
it's good to be pregnant
three weeks before Lacey.

That way I can
be there for her

because I'll have known
what it was like
to have a baby.

Three weeks before her."

You're such a wonderful
little sister, Sateen,

but I'm scared that the baby
is draining all the blood
away from your brain

because I saw you last week
and you were, like, 90 pounds.

Yeah, well, some of us
don't get all huge and gross

as fast as
some other people do.

I never had a sister
to help me.

I did,
but she got typhoid.

Then she got better,
but then she was torn apart
by monkeys.

And then what happened?

Nolan, sweetie,
Grandma has some gifts
for us in her luggage.

Why don't you go help her
bring them out?

Sure.

Uh, you know, I was thinking
of getting a monkey as a pet,

but after hearing your story,
I think I'm just gonna
get a cobra.

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

I'm the older sister,
I get the ring.

Hey, I thought of this scam
at the same time you did.

My pregnancy
is way more believable.

What do you have
under there, a pillow?

Yeah.
What've you got?

I've got some Hollywood
big-budget special effects

"Avatar" stuff
going on under here.

You can even feel
the baby's head.

And if the batteries
weren't dead,

it'd be kicking.

You're a scheming
little bitch.

I know, right?

Here, girls.
I brought you both some
of that perfume you like.

- Oh.
- Thank you, Grandma.

You know, the baby's
sleeping right now,

but if you want
to feel the head,
it's right here.

Oh, the head
is fully formed.

You must be
farther along than Lacey.

Sateen, you are
getting the ring.

- What?
- Oh, don't worry.

I've got something
for you, too.

This antique letter opener
belonged to my sister.

It is beautiful.

- But, sadly, it cannot
kill a monkey.
- Oh.

Thank you, Grandma.

This is perfect.

Look, Sateen.
Look what Grandma gave me.

- Oops.
- [ gasps, screams ]

- Lacey: Oops!
- Oh!

- Hey, Charlie.
- What are you doing here?

- I thought you were supposed
to be at the church picnic.
- Yeah, but it ended early.

The woman who made the tuna
salad left it sitting out
in her car all morning.

Suffice it to say,
the egg toss became
the everything toss.

So, you're here
to throw up?

No, I just came by
to say hi.

But I might throw up.
I'm not sure yet.

Mary Kathleen:
This is so hot, Charlie.

You did a great job
with these knots.

I really feel like
I can't get out.

So, who won the egg toss?

Damn it, Charlie.
I asked you to do
one thing.

Yeah, well, she asked me
to do three things

and they sounded
way more fun.

You're gonna ruin it
with Joanne.

Don't you realize
how much that woman
means to me?

She has a pool!

Martin, I'm really
getting concerned.

I have called every
place I can think of

- and I can't
find Mary Kathleen.
- I'm concerned, too.

We should go and look
for her immediately,

outside this house.

Mary Kathleen:
Charlie, where are you?

I can't reach
my wine straw.

Mary Kathleen?
What is she doing upstairs?

She's alive.
Nothing else matters.

[ gasps ]

Mom!

What have you done
to my daughter?

What did he do?
Why, I'll tell you
what he did.

He saved her life,
that's all.

Somebody busted in here
and forced her to wear
that skimpy lingerie

and tied her up
to the bed like that

and God only knows
what would've happened

if Charlie
hadn't come in here

- and-- and-- and--
- Chased them away.

- Chased them away!
- It's true.

What were you doing
in Charlie's house anyway?

Joanne, I was performing
an exorcism on your daughter.

- She's possessed
by demons.
- What?

I didn't want to worry you
at the picnic, Joanne,
but it's true.

Come on, Charlie,
don't just stand there.

We've gotta drive Satan
out of that poor girl.

You're right, right.

Uh, the power of Christ
compels you.

The power of Christ
compels you!

[ speaks Latin ]

Come out, demon!
Come out now!

Blah.

Really?

You wanted to be spanked
by angry nuns

and that's
the best demon you got?

Before we get
to the reading of the will,

I just need to record
the cause of death.

It was a heart attack.

I can't believe
she just collapsed
in front of you.

- She just fell over.
- It's the truth.

Lacey:
And then she
looked up at me

and she said, "I want you
to have everything

because I love you
so much more than Sateen."

And then she was gone.

- I think she said
something else.
- No, she was dead.

Couldn't speak.

Well, it doesn't really matter
because the written will

supersedes
any verbal promises.

Okay, so who gets what?

According to the last will
and testament

of Anjali Lilavati
Balasubramanian...

she leaves her heirloom ring
to her daughter Mira.

- Crap.
- Damn it.

Oh.

Merry Christmas,
darling.

And she leaves the rest
of her fortune of $6 million

to her first
great-grandchild,

which will be held in trust
by the child's parent.

Grandma was so fair.

Well, I'm gonna go home

and bang the crap
out of my boyfriend.

Hey.

I'm here.

All right,
your room's ready

and, I'm not gonna lie,
I've been drinking since noon.

I'm not gonna lie either.

I got you beat
by two hours.

So how's this
gonna work?

We'll just stay
out of each other's way.

How would you feel
about a slide

that goes straight
from your bedroom window

to the front seat
of your car?

Look, you're not happy,
I'm not happy.

But there is one way
you can get out of this.

Let me just say this.

If we're doing
murder-suicide,
I go first.

All right, maybe
there are two ways.

And the second way is that
you give me enough money

to cover my losses
with my pension fund

and pay my rent.

How much
are we talking?

I wrote it all down
on this piece of paper.

If I give you this,
I'd have to get rid of cable,

take a bag lunch to work
every day on the bus.

Done.

I'll see you
at Christmas.