All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E87.Charlie.and.the.Epic.Relationship.Fail.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Well, we have
a few minutes left.

You can tell because Ed
started putting pastries
in his sweaty gym bag.

Nothing like a warm
sweat sock muffin.

I've got my poker game
tomorrow night

and everybody's too cheap
to bring their own snacks.

You know, Ed,
you guys really are
the greatest generation...

of cheapskates
the world has ever seen.

Anybody else have any big plans
for the weekend?

Well, I guess
this weekend's gonna be
exactly like last weekend.

Nolan and I are gonna
stay home

and watch epic fail videos
on YouTube.

[ laughing ]
That lady stomping
on the grapes

falls out of the bucket
every time.

[ beeping ]

[ sighs ]
I gotta go.

I told the limo company
I only wanna work nights,

but they keep calling me
during the day.

Well, why don't you
just tell them again?

I don't wanna
make waves.

In fact, I don't even know
if I told them the first time.

You know, Lacey,
when you were talking about

your weekend plans,
I couldn't help but notice

that you seemed...
genuinely unhappy.

- How could you tell that?
- From your genuine lack
of happiness.

Look, if you don't wanna
watch epic fail videos,

then why'd you agree
to do it?

Because most
of my relationships
are epic fail videos,

so this time I thought
I should just do what he wants

and be a good girlfriend
because I care about him.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

Okay, "blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah" quickly
turns into

"hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate."

Followed, in my case,
by "divorce, divorce, divorce"

and then "half my money,
money, money

goes down the drain,
drain, drain."

So what am I supposed
to do?

Look, if Nolan wants
to stay home and watch

weathermen accidently draw
penises on maps, let him.

You can still go out.

- By myself?
- Or with your friends.

Time apart may even strengthen
your relationship.

- Really?
- Yes.

And on that note,

I'd like to strengthen
our relationship

by kicking you all out.

Ed, just take the tray.

[ theme music playing ]

You know, I was
just saying to myself,
"I'm worried about Ed.

I don't know if he's getting
enough pastry in his diet."

It's for
my poker game.

That's cute,
a bunch of old guys
playing poker.

Guess it breaks up
the monotony

of doctor visits
and funerals.

[ laughs ]
That's funny.
You play poker?

'Cause we got a game
tomorrow night

and we're short a guy.

Gee, let me guess
what happened.

Just shut up!
And you're right.

Now, you in or out?

Well, I'm not
into cleaning out

a bunch of old guys
on a fixed income.

Talk about things
being fixed,

looks like you got no eggs
in your carton, son.

Are you saying
I have no testicles?

That's right,
no testicles.

All right, yeah, sure,
I'll-- I'll come to your game.

Just text me
your address.

Um...

I'll just write
it down.

You know, I've never been
with an air traffic controller
before.

- That was amazing.
- Really?

I wasn't being
too bossy?

No, no,
and I really appreciated

all your help
during the landing.

And you were right,
I was coming in too hot.

But you did
keep your nose up.

- You're a great pilot.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

And you're parked
right over there.

Lacey:
Hey, skank.

Hi, Charlie.

Lacey, what are you
doing here?

Well, I took your advice
and it totally made me

rethink my entire life.

Well, that's great.
Good for you.

Don't take this personally,
but I have no idea

what you're
talking about.

Okay, last night
I went to a club by myself

like you wanted me to.

Oh, that advice.
That's right.

Well, I am a genius.

So you went out
and had a good time

and now you're not
so resentful of Nolan.

Oh, no, no.
I am way more
resentful.

I was talking
to these guys

who were so much
more ambitious

and they were
starting companies
and taking chances.

And then I went home
and saw Nolan

sitting by himself
on the couch

with a stopwatch
and an empty box
of Oreos.

Did you happen
to see the time
on the stopwatch?

No, but he was upset.

He said something
about it took him
more than two minutes.

Yes!
I win 40 bucks!

I'm sorry,
you were saying?

I don't know if I can
stay with Nolan.

What?

Getting out there
made me realize

that I want to be
with a guy who's
not afraid

to do something
with his life.

I mean,
Nolan won't even
ask for a raise.

No, no, Lacey,
you can't do this.

Nolan is good for me
in so many ways

and not just because
he's an animal
in the sack.

He is?

Oh, yeah.

But if he doesn't
show me something,

like anything, soon,

then I don't
think we're gonna have
a future together.

Lacey,
I totally disagree.

I think Nolan
is the right guy
for you.

Let's examine some
of his finer points.

- Okay.
- He really loves you,

and last night
he came this close
to winning 40 bucks.

I can't believe
I'm saying this
about Nolan,

but dating that stoner
might be

the healthiest relationship
that Lacey's ever been in.

But I do sort of get
why Lacey's losing
interest in him.

I mean, most girls say
they just want a sweet guy,

but there's still
this primal attraction

to someone who could
protect you in the wild.

You been reading
Sasquatch porn again?

Just a little bit
before bed.

Anyway, you can't
blame yourself if
they break up.

Unless you had
something to do
with it,

but you didn't.

Did you?

You know, sometimes
I don't like having
lunch with you.

Oh, God, Charlie.
What did you do?

I may have
accidentally told Lacey

to spend some time
away from Nolan

and she may have met
some other guys.

- You what?
- I feel terrible.

I don't want my patients
to get hurt.

When they first come
to me, they're like
lost little puppies.

And then when your puppies
start having sex
with each other,

you don't want them
to break up.

Hey, Charlie.
You wanted to see me?

Yeah.
Jordan, would you
give us a second?

- I just have
a few bites left--
- There you go.

Eat it walking.

So what do you want
to talk to me about?

Well, Nolan,
I'm concerned

that you're not doing
enough with your life.

I'm not saying
that eating 38 Oreos

in half an hour
isn't impressive.

I think things
are going great for me.

I got a job,
I got the girl
of my dreams,

and now I got
Jordan's leftover fries.

Look, I know you want
things with Lacey to last,

but women tend
to gravitate towards

men who are fearless,
men who are leaders.

I don't know why.

Those are the first guys
to get killed in war movies

and in horror movies
and science fiction--

Nolan, Nolan, Nolan,
stay with me!

- I know you've been at
that limo job for a while now.
- Yes, I have.

Have you ever just marched
in there and told them
you wanted a raise?

- Absolutely not.
- Okay, well, that ends today.

You're gonna walk
into your boss's office
and demand one.

- I don't know.
- You have to do this.

- Can I finish my fries first?
- Forget the fries.

You get that raise
and I'll buy you all
the fries you want.

You wouldn't have
to buy me fries.

I'll just have
the extra cash
from my raise.

Well, there you go.
You get it.

- See? Eye of the tiger.
- I worry about Lacey.

How do we know
she doesn't like me
because I'm laid-back

and not like one of those guys
she used to go out with
at the clubs?

Because I know.

And who knows women?
I'll tell you who.
Me, that's who.

But, Charlie,
you're divorced

and you haven't had
a real relationship

that's lasted
over two weeks.

Yes, but in each
of those situations

I knew exactly
what those women
didn't like about me

because they told me.

Looks like it's just
Louie, Ed, and the kid.

Everyone ready?

Aw, crap,
I'm out.

Not me, I'm--

I'm feeling lucky.
300.

Thought the limit
was 25.

Our last hand
of the game,
no limit.

- You in?
- I don't know.

I think our
young fella's scared.

- [ chuckles ]
- Maybe I should have
told you to bring

an extra pair
of drawers.

[ men laugh ]

I would've, Ed, but I left them
at your mom's house last night.

Once again, I'm sorry
for your loss.

All right.

I'm in three
and I will raise you 300.

[ exhales ]
You know what?

Here's 300 and, uh--

have you ever driven
a Maserati?

No.

It's an Italian sports car.
Incredibly smooth ride.

Almost as smooth
as the Rascal I'm throwing in.

Okay, I'm not
taking your Rascal.
You can't walk.

You'll never wait in line
for a ride at Disneyland again.

Really?

Yeah, it's awesome.

[ knocking on door ]

- Louie!
- Aw, jeez, here we go.

Get outta here,
Greta!

How much money
have you gambled?

None of your business,
woman!

Ed? How much
has he lost?

- I don't know,
about 500.
- [ sighs ]

- And he put in his Rascal.
- Louie: Shut up!

Damn it, Louie.
You lose that Rascal
every time!

I am done pushing you
through Safeway in
a shopping cart.

It's not made
for a man your size.

It's embarrassing.

I'm all in.
[ clears throat ]

This watch is worth
five grand easy.

Two pair.

Oh, crap.

Wait, what time is it?

Oh, yeah, that's right,
it's time to show
my full house.

[ all laughing ]

Hold on a second.

You guys scammed me?

- We always
scam the new guy.
- [ all laughing ]

Well, this is amazing.
When are you guys
playing next?

Because I wanna
do this to somebody.

Well, you're not
a regular member
of the group,

but we'll let you
bring in a sucker

under one condition--
that it's Patrick.

Patrick?

Yeah, he's been sporting
a real nice Rolex watch lately.

Okay, I'll call him.

Well, there he is.

Been waiting
all day for you.

So, tell me
the good news.

Well, that mole on my leg
that's been getting darker
and changing shape?

It's just from
a leaky pen in my pocket.

- So what happened
with the raise?
- Okay.

I went in there,
I looked him right
in the eye,

and I told him
exactly what I wanted.

That's fantastic.
What did he say?

You're fired.

- What? Why?
- I don't know.
I did what you said.

I didn't take "no"
for an answer.

I also didn't take
"get the hell out
of my office"

for an answer,
so they called security

and then they didn't take
"please don't Tase me"
for an answer.

Yeah, they never do.

Yeah, caught me
right in the head.

I don't think
it did any damage.

All right,
look at me, Nolan.
Look at me.

Who is the Vice President
of the United States?

That lady
from "Seinfeld"?

Ah, you're fine.

Nolan, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea
this would happen.

Ah, it's okay, Charlie.

I-- I'd be devastated,
but luckily I got Lacey,

who's gonna stick by me
no matter what.

You know what?
Let's not tell Lacey.

Why?
I tell her everything.

Yeah, I don't want her
to worry about you

and she's so stressed out
about other things,

like her shoe business,
and she's been killing
herself

day and night
to make that work.

Really?
I saw her calendar.

She's going to a spa today
and the rest of the week
is lunch, lunch, lunch.

Well, see,
she's so stressed out,

she has to remind
herself to eat.

Don't worry, Nolan,
we're gonna get you
another job.

Aw, thank you, Charlie.

I really appreciate
all your advice.

Except for the part
that got me fired.

Yeah, that wasn't
very good.

Raven, thanks
for coming in early,

helping us out.

Sorry that Louie
spit on you.

He was trying
to whistle.

Sorry.

Whoa! We should do this
at a strip club every week.

Yes, well,
it is just for today

'cause my mom
is staying with me
and she hates gambling.

Okay, last card.
Here we go.

Uh, I'm out.

Too rich
for my blood.

Well, that just leaves
me and you, Patrick.

I'm feeling lucky.

- I got 300.
- Oh, what do I do?
What do I do?

- What do I do?
- Sean!

Oh, Ma, what are you
doing here?

How much money
have you gambled?

Not in front
of the guys, Ma.

- Greta: How much?
- I don't know, like 500.

Ugh! Damn it, Sean!

You can barely pay
your mortgage

and you're gambling away
that kind of money?

But I've got
a really good hand.

That's good?

All in.

700 bucks

and this Banana Republic
gift card.

There's still, like,
42 bucks on it,

so you can get
a really nice pair of pants
if you wait for a sale.

How about
that watch?

And the watch.

I will call that with
this Italian leather jacket

worth about $2,000.

But, Sean,
your dad gave you
that leather jacket

the night he died
in that hunting accident.

Don't worry,
there's no holes in it.

He was shot in the leg
and bled out.

So, uh, here.
Full house.

Aces over 10s.

Not so fast.

Straight flush.
[ laughs ]

Oh, this leather
is like butter.

What the hell
is going on here?

- [ all laugh ]
- We got you again, sucker!

You were in on this?

It was the perfect con
because you'd never expect it.

Me and Ed working together
like a well-oiled machine.

[ laughing ]

What?
What do you have--
what do you have against me?

What does a lion have
against a baby zebra?

Nothing.
I was just hungry.

Hey, Charlie.
Don't start with me.

I know I'm late.
I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.
You look great, by the way.

You should wear that
more often.

Are you on drugs?

Are you playing
a trick on me?

Give me that coffee.
What's in there?

I'm just in
a good mood.

I told Nolan to demand
a raise to impress Lacey

and it got him fired,
but--

but I got him an even better
job to replace the one
I got him fired from.

- And what is that?
- Driving a prison bus.

Are you on drugs?
Are you playing a trick on me?

Give me that coffee.
What's in there?

Hey, Charlie.

Well, there he is.

You ready for
your first big day?

I don't know.

I'm not sure
if I'm the right guy

to drive a bus
full of prisoners.

I'm not good around
dangerous people.

Well, sure, you are.
You're dating Lacey.

She has to tell the authorities
before she's allowed to
leave the state.

Yeah, but I don't think
I'm cut out to work
in a prison.

- I'm too soft.
- I work at a prison, Nolan.

But you're hard.

You are what they call
a "hard woman."

I'm a hard woman?
Have you smelled me?

I smell like daisies
and vanilla.

Smell me!

Anyway...

I was kinda looking forward
to getting unemployment and
watching TV all day.

Do you know
that I've been working
for three months straight?

Except for weekends,
holidays, and that
two-week break I took.

But this is a job
worth getting up for.

You are a leader
of men.

Because I'm
at the front of the bus

and I get everywhere
a little before they do?

Yes, let's go with that.
Now get to work.

Charlie, how are you
going to convince Lacey

that driving a prison bus
is a path to greatness?

I don't know,
maybe I'll tell her

that five of our
greatest presidents
drove prison busses.

Oh, come on.
Lacey's not some
uneducated bumpkin.

You're gonna have to do
a little better than that.

Really?

Abraham Lincoln
drove a prison bus?

Yes, he went straight
from bus driver

to senator
to president.

That is what he did.

Yeah, but he moved up.

Nolan went
from driving a limo

to driving
a prison bus.

What's next?

Pushing around
homeless people
in a shopping cart?

Well, hey,
Reagan did that.

Let me tell you
something about Nolan.

He wouldn't settle
for the lousy money they were
paying him at that limo job,

so after they Tased him--

[ gasps ]
He got Tased?

Yeah, with 50,000 volts
of ambition.

Charlie, turn on
the TV.

There's been an accident.
Nolan and the prisoners
are missing.

You still think this was
an upward move for Nolan?

It may not be
as bad as we think.
Right, Jordan?

They found the prison bus
empty on the side
of the road.

- It is carrying five
vicious murderers.
- [ Lacey gasps ]

Nolan might be dead.

You know, you really
had a chance to help me out
and soften the blow a little,

but you didn't
even try, did you?

Man on TV:
...in these financial times.

So call
the Gold People at--

This is supposed to be
an all-news channel

and all they're trying to do
is sell me gold

and discount catheters.

If I can't afford
a good catheter,

do you think
I'm buying gold?!

He wouldn't even
need the news

if you hadn't put
poor, sweet Nolan

in charge of a bunch
of dangerous psychopaths.

Maybe he'll be okay.

He's not that sweet.

The other day he called me
a "hard woman"

for no reason.

This is terrible.

I wonder if this happened
to President Kennedy

when he was driving
a prison bus.

What am I thinking?

Bad things never happen
to people like that.

Oh, hey, look!

It's Nolan!
He's alive!

So we were on our way
to Tehachapi when
the tire blew out

and the bus skidded
and rolled over.

The guard was knocked
unconscious,

but thank God
the criminals were okay.

Nolan's safe!
He's okay!

He's...

dressed like a janitor.
What is that?

Wow, you went straight
from "thank God he's alive"

to "Project Runway"
really fast.

We were basically stranded
in the middle of nowhere

and the criminals were
pretty scared because--

well, they had never
been in the woods.

This guy
saved our lives.

I ate squirrel.

Anyway, I spent
a lot of time
in the woods

because it's cheap rent
and you can grow stuff
out here

without anybody--

Anyway, uh...

I calmed
the prisoners down
and I led them here.

What about
the unconscious guard?

Oh, yeah,
the guys carried him.

I fashioned
a crude stretcher

out of a, you know...

regular stretcher.

I never saw Nolan
as the kind of guy
who could do that.

It's pretty cool, right?

Nolan just took command
of five dangerous killers,

led them safely
through the woods,

and didn't tell the reporter
where he grows his weed.

The guy's a hero!

Hey, guys.

- [ all sigh ]
- Nolan, thank God!

- Are you okay?
- Oh, I'm fine, yeah.

Turn on the TV.
I'm gonna be on the news.

Ah, sorry,
they already showed it.

Damn it!
It's the first time
I've ever been on the news

when I wasn't high
after a concert,

wandering around
the background

looking for my car.

- How'd I look?
- You looked great
because you weren't dead,

you stupid.

Don't do that again
because I care about you.

I'm sorry
I worried you.

Why did you take
such a dangerous job?

Okay, that's great.

Time to go.
Everybody's happy.

Look, Jordan's so happy,
she's crying.

No, I'm not.

[ crying ]
I'm a hard woman.

It was all
Charlie's idea.

I took the job
because he made me feel

that you'd find
somebody else to love
if I didn't.

You what?

I told you that
in confidence!

And I told Nolan
in confidence.

Why can't we all stop
hurting each other?

Okay,
here's your purse.

Street cleaning
starts any minute.

You don't wanna
get towed.

So you really
feel that way?

Yeah, I told Charlie
I wanted a relationship

with a take-charge
kind of guy

and last night
you proved that you are.

Okay,
so what now?

The first thing is,
you're done with that
horrible job.

I'm borrowing money
from my shoe company

and buying you a limo.

We're starting a business
and I'm your boss.

Whatever you say,
Lacey.

- Way to take charge, bro.
- Thanks.

Well, that worked out
exactly as I expected.

Here's how this
could've gone.

Five killers
are loose in the city

and a little girl
picking flowers one day

finds Nolan's body
in a shallow grave.

Where she meets
his friendly ghost,

they team up
to solve crimes,
and they save the city

and maybe have a little fun
along the way.

You are a hard woman.