All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E86.Charlie.Meets.His.Match.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

So to answer
your question,

one of the key elements
to anger management

is hydration.

Which is why I have here
coconut water,

Gatorade, and Advil
as a bonus.

You're just hungover,
aren't you?

Absolutely not.

There's no way I can
stomach this without rum.

You know, I feel too good
for therapy today.

When I was driving here,
I realized

how lucky I am
to be alive.

Ed, when you're
behind the wheel,

everyone's lucky
to be alive.

[ laughs ]
That's funny

because, uh,
it's true.

Why are you
in such a good mood, Ed?

Well, this is the first month
anniversary

that my wife and I
got back together.

Hey, yesterday was our
one month anniversary, too.

Well, I'm happy that
you're all in relationships

while I am single
and alone.

I'm not in a relationship.

Then it's you and me.

Single and alone.

Oh, no, no,
I didn't say I was alone.

I'm seeing this new girl
and we're going on our
third date tonight.

And this isn't
really helping, is it?

[ whispers ]
No, it's not.

Hey, Patrick, I got
the perfect guy for you.

Oh, no, it's okay,
Nolan.

No, he's amazing.

He's really handsome
and rich and funny.

That's great, Nolan.
Is he gay?

Oh.

Well, it's the thought
that counts, Nolan.

Which is why
that didn't count.

See y'all next Monday.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I couldn't help
but overhear what you
were talking about in group.

Well, you could help it
if you were at your own house.

So, who's this girl?

Her name's Ashley and she's
a super successful matchmaker.

- Hmm.
- You know Brad Pitt
and Angelina Jolie?

- Yeah.
- She thinks they're
a perfect couple.

- [ knock at door ]
- Oh, that's her.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Ashley.

This is my friend Sean.

- Hey. How are you?
- Hi.

You're the, uh--
you're the matchmaker,
right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Just want you
to know that

this six-foot-tall Virgo
who likes bowling

and tantric sex
is very impressed.

Let me guess,
you want me to
set you up.

No, no, he's just really
awkward at introductions.

You know what?
Let me give you my card.

Go on the website,
fill out the questionnaire,

- and we'll chat later.
- This is great.

You know, I used to be
the kind of guy that

just wanted a big pair
of boobs, you know?

But now I've evolved
into someone

who wants a woman
with a real rockin' ass.

And it has been a joy
to watch you grow.

[ sighs ]

When Sean fills out his profile
and the questionnaire,

is there a box
he can check for

high-functioning,
social doofus?

You know,
there actually
used to be,

but the people
who needed to check it
could never find it.

Well, good luck
matching him up
with somebody perfect.

Actually, I think I found
somebody perfect for you.

But I'm dating you.

Either you're super cool
or we got a problem.

Look, I really like you,
but come on,

I'm a professional
matchmaker.

I know when a relationship
doesn't have a future.

It really felt
like we were building
something together.

I thought by
this time next year
you and I would be--

yeah, you know what?
You're right.
What you got?

[ theme music playing ]

What you got there,
Jordan?

I don't know.
I don't remember

ordering anything,
but it's kind of exciting.

I just love sending things
to people who don't expect it.

They're sitting there thinking,
"Ooh, what's this?"

Then they open it and, boom,
it's a human foot.

Ernesto, would you mind
opening this?

Oh, I wouldn't
send anything bad
to you, Miss Jordan.

Maybe a squirrel heart
for Valentine's Day,

but then again,
I'm a romantic.

[ laughs ]
Are these bunny pajamas?

I forgot I ordered those
for me and Sean

for our six month anniversary,
which would've been tomorrow.

So this is the kind of stuff
you get for your boyfriend?

I can't imagine
why it didn't last.

Hey, don't make fun.

That relationship
meant a lot to me.

We called each other
"honey bunny."

Miss Denby,
if it were me,

I'd be proud to be
your honey bunny.

And to prove it,

I'd send you an entire sack
of fresh bunny hearts.

Okay.

I got some bad news,
guys.

Our opening of
"Romeo and Juliet" tomorrow

is in great peril.

Pete bowed out of playing
the role of Juliet.

- What happened?
- He dead.

Wow, where are you
gonna find a Juliet
by tomorrow?

Yeah,
it's a tough role.

What's here?

A cup closed
in my true love's hand?

Poison, I see,
has been his timeless end.

You know the role
of Juliet?

I played Juliet
in high school.

I know the whole thing
by heart.

I know who could do it.

That big Ukrainian guy,
the one with the beard.

No, I was talking
about me.

- I can do it.
- Why you wanna be
in a prison play?

Because I miss
the stage.

I miss the validation
of complete strangers,

even if they are the worst
that humanity has to offer.

How dare you?!

We have our Juliet.

I mean, your
matchmaker is good, right?
This girl's gonna be hot?

Well, if not,
then we'll just do
the right thing.

Fake appendicitis and sneak
out the bathroom window.

No, Squiggy.

We'll make polite
conversation and hope for
an emotional connection.

If that doesn't work,
then we'll fake

food poisoning
and go shoot some pool.

Excuse me,
are you Charlie
and Sean?

Yes, I'm Charlie
and he's Sean.

And we do not have
appendicitis.

- I'm Marissa.
- I'm Eva.

Well, hi.
You two know each other?

Oh, no,
we just met
outside.

I was telling her
that I don't normally
go to matchmakers.

I've just
been so busy lately
with grad school.

Well, that's awesome.
What school do you go to?

I got my BA
from Stanford

and now I'm doing
my neuroscience master's
at UCLA.

I'm almost done
with my thesis.

What about you, Eva?

I think you can
learn more from life

than you can from school

because in life
there's TV.

So true.

So the email from Ashley
says that Sean's my date,

so I guess we should
go get to know each other.

Yeah, we should.
Let's do it, Stanford.

[ laughs ]

Hey, now, wait,
wait, wait.
What?

So, uh...

I guess it's, uh--
it's you and me, huh?

My dog's name is Kitty.

- Okay...
- [ laughing ]

I don't like Christmas

because it reminds me
of my ex-boyfriend Chris
who's a mess.

So I started
writing it as "x-mas."

But that just made me
think about him even more

because he's my ex
and he's a mess.

I can totally relate.

I don't like
Thanksgiving.

I once dated a girl
named Thanks

and she wasn't
very giving.

Would you excuse me
for a second?

Why don't you get yourself
a glass of wine?

They have a great
Merlot here.

Look,
it's the first date

and I don't want
to embarrass you,

but it's pronounced
"Mer-lot."

Thank you.

I got your text, Charlie.
What's the emergency?

All right, look,
two girls showed up

and Sean is in there
with the smart one

and mine thinks a tangerine
is a musical instrument.

As in "Hey!
Mr. Tangerine Man."

Well, that is why
I picked her for Sean,

who said that
the historical figure
he admires most

is Batman.

I knew it.
I knew you picked
Marissa for me.

Would you please go talk
to Sean and straighten it out?

What do you
want me to do?

You want me to go
in there and tell him

while he's on his date
that he's dumb

and therefore he should be
with the dumb girl?

Yes!

You figure it out.

I'm not the one
who called myself

"problem solver"
on the questionnaire.

Charlie,
why are you standing
out here by yourself?

Are you embarrassed
about the "Mer-lot" thing?

I've said dumb things
before, too.

Really? You?

Yeah, and it's not
the end of America.

O God, she comes.
O honey Nurse,
what news?

What says he
of our marriage?
What of that?

Lord, how my head aches.

It beats as if it would
fall into 20 pieces.

You know what?
This isn't funny.

Hey, Cleo.

What if the nurse
has a funny joke in
every single line?

You can't just
add jokes to
Shakespeare.

Sure, you can.
Watch.

What light from
yonder window breaks?

- It's a searchlight.
Get down!
- [ laughs ]

Ooh, that's funny.
That's crazy.

Cleo, will you
please tell him
to be serious?

Ernesto,
act better, stupid.

I will kick your ass.

I did all I could.

We have creative
differences.

Can we just do a scene
with Romeo, please?

[ snaps ]
Romeo.

Act three,
scene five.

And...
[ snaps ]

go.

If they do see thee,
they will murder thee.

Alack, there lies
more peril in thine eye

than 20 of their swords.

Look thou but sweet,

and I am proof
against their enmity.

Hey, funny nurse,

that's how you act.

All right, Jerry,
let's go.

We searched your cell,
we found everything.

The cell phone,
the weed, the cocaine.

- I was holding it
for a friend.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, wait...

Oh, Romeo.

- Hey, guys.
- Wayne, can you play Romeo?

- Real men don't act.
- You get to kiss Jordan.

To be or not to be?

- Hey.
- Hey.

So how's it going
with you guys?

Great.

Marissa is amazing.

- How's Eva?
- She's hot.

Not only is she hot,
I'll tell you what
else she is.

She's...

right over there.

[ sighs ]
That's awesome.

Dude, your matchmaker
really hooked us up.

Yeah, well,
here's the funny part.

I just talked to Ashley
and it turns out

that I'm supposed
to be with Marissa

and you're supposed
to be with Eva.

How funny is that?

But I'm having a great time
with Marissa.

I think our matchmaker
knows better about

who you're gonna have
a great time with
than you do.

What you trying
to say, Charlie?

Nothing, I just think
it makes more sense

for me to be
with Marissa.

- Why?
- I don't know,
because Marissa's educated,

I'm educated.

Are you saying
that you're smarter
than me?

No, no, I'm not
saying that.

'Cause I'll tell you
something,

respect to your education,
I think I'm smarter than you.

Okay, well, that proves
that you're not

'cause that's about
the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.

And I know.
I have heard a lot
of dumb stuff tonight.

Well, Marissa thinks
that I'm smart.

She says that
I have an interesting
way of seeing the world.

That's what smart people
say to dumb people.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.
I just said that
to Eva 30 seconds ago.

Well, you know what?

You have a very
interesting way
of seeing the world.

You can't
just repeat it.

Someone has to say
something dumb first.

- Like what?
- Oh, gee, I don't know.

I'll bet ceiling fans
get dizzy.

Huh. You have
a very interesting
way of seeing the world.

I win.

- Charlie.
- Marissa, hey.

- How are you?
- I'm good.

How are things
with you and Eva?

I had to show her
the door.

Literally.
She couldn't find it.

[ laughs ]

[ disco music playing ]

I'm sorry.
That's my phone.

I love disco music.
Oi-Oi!

Okay, well,
take it easy.

- I'm just kidding.
- [ laughs ] Oh, my--

So, what about
you and Sean?

I've been texting him
and calling him,

but I haven't heard back
from him since that night
at the bar.

Well, it didn't
really work out.

We kinda ran out
of things to talk about.

- When did that happen?
- That night at the bar.

So I guess we're both
unattached, huh?

[ laughs ]
Yeah.

You know, I did think
that you and I were the ones

the matchmaker
should have put together.

She did,

but there was a mix-up
and Sean didn't want
to switch

and then somehow
he got this idea

that I think he's dumb.

Well, Sean told me
you called him dumb
right to his face.

Oh, that must have been
how he got the idea.

So why don't we go out?

You know?
The perfect match
gets a second chance.

Absolutely.
It'd be a great story
to tell the kids

that neither one of us
wants to have.

[ laughs ]
Oh, my gosh.

What on earth
did you and Eva
talk about?

- String theory.
- Really?

Yes, I had a theory
that she could be
entertained

by a piece of string.

And my theory
was correct.

[ laughs ]

And--
[ snaps ]

go.

Romeo, Romeo!

Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Shall I hear more,
or shall I speak at this?

What the hell
are you doing?

Mm-mm,
that is not the line.

I just wanted to
demonstrate to you
that if it were me,

I would not be adverse
to don a bunny suit

to curry your favor.

Look, I stayed quiet

when Mercutio forgot
his own name.

I stayed in character

when Lady Capulet
adjusted her junk!

But this has gone
too far.

I am a professional
amateur actress!

That is not a thing.

Hey, if you wanna
embarrass yourselves

up there on those
pushed-together
cafeteria tables,

go for it,
but I am not gonna
risk my reputation

with a group of people
who don't respect the craft

and draw dogs
on my script pages!

That was Wayne,
but we're sorry.

We have the opportunity

to do something
special here.

We can change
the lives of prisoners

that are forced
to watch us.

Now who is with me?!

- I'm with you!
- Yeah!

I didn't understand
none of that, but okay.

Thank you.

You got a bag of ice
back there?

I think I might be getting
punched in the face.

This about a girl?

I'm about to tell Sean
that I, uh,

am gonna be seeing a girl
that he used to date.

Whatever happened
to "bros before hos"?

Well, in my defense,
it rhymes backwards, too.

Well, you wanted to talk
to your dumb friend,

so here I am.

Better make it quick.
I have a tutor coming over

to work with me
on my shapes and colors.

Look, I--

What is that for?

What?

Where do you
buy your ice?

Look, first of all,

I just wanna say
that I don't think
you're dumb.

I don't honestly care
if you think that I'm dumb

because Marissa
thinks I'm smart,

and that is why she's still
going out with me.

[ chuckles ]
Oh, is she?

Yeah, she is.

She can't get enough of me
and the smart things
that we do.

- We go to
the museums and, um--
- Symphonies?

The symphony
the other night

and, uh--
what else is there?

- The theater.
- Theater.

We saw that--
we saw that thing

with the-- the--
the singing witch.

So you're really
going out with her

and doing
all these things?

Yeah, so...

you wanted to tell me
something?

I just want
to say that...

I'm glad you found someone
that you really like

and we should grab
a beer sometime.

Why don't we grab
a beer right now?

I'm not doing anything
with Marissa tonight.

Oh, yeah, no,
I can't.

- I-- I have a date.
- She as smart and sexy
as Marissa?

I'd say she's
pretty damn close.

Ooh, they're in!
They're in!

We got our reviews.

And this is what
the "Prison Times"
had to say.

"Unless you've
been locked in solitary
for the last three weeks,

you know that last night
was the premiere

of 'Romeo and Juliet.'

It's this reviewer's opinion

that this was
the best production

since the Aryan Brotherhood

put on their revival
of 'Fiddler.'"

That's highest praise.

Swastika Dan played
an amazing Motel the tailor.

And that's it.

Uh, that's-- that's
where the review ends.

Really?
There's nothing
about the acting?

Oh, you don't wanna
read th-- oh, oh.

- Damn.
- "The only thing
stopping the play

from being
truly transcendent

was the gentleman
in the cheap wig
who played Juliet.

We've seen our share
of violence in this prison,

but nothing quite
this savage and brutal.

We were all artistically
raped last night.

I encourage anybody
who attended to find
this actor

and give him
a stabbing ovation."

They're just jealous,
Jordan.

You were brilliant.

You know what?
I don't care.

I don't do it
for the reviews.

I do it for the love
of theater.

I was a part
of something bigger

and it was wonderful.

You're right.

And the good news is
is they're letting us

do "Antony
and Cleopatra" next.

I played Cleopatra
in college.

Oh, then you've
already done it.

You'd just be bored.

I know the guy
who writes the reviews.

He's gonna get a visit
from your honey bunny.

Wayne, do not
hurt him.

[ sighs ]

You can scare him
a little.

Consider it done.

Okay,
now let's consider

Eleanor Roosevelt,
Emily Dickinson,

- and Amelia Earhart.
- [ sighs ]

Wow, those are all
amazing women.

I guess I would kill
Eleanor Roosevelt...

I would boink
Emily Dickinson,

and I would marry
Amelia Earhart.

Well,
spoken like someone

who's never seen
a picture of Emily Dickinson.

Sean:
Charlie, you around?

Oh, crap, it's Sean.

Look, we're gonna have
to deal with this eventually.

Let's just do it now.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
It'll just ruin the night.

You know, we can just
tell him another time.

Just get rid of him,
okay?

Hey, you have
a laser level
I can borrow?

I'm hanging a painting
that Marissa and I bought
at an art gallery.

It's what we do now.
We buy art.

The painting's
ironic and hopeful,

so it's gotta be,
you know, level.

Yeah, you don't want
the sailboats going
downhill.

I'll go get it
for you.

You don't believe
that Marissa's seeing me.

Do you?
You know what?

I'm gonna call her
and you can talk to her.

Oh, come on,
don't do this
to yourself.

You're just gonna dial
some random number.

Nope, I'm calling her.

Okay, say hi
to the pizza guy for me.

[ disco music playing ]

Are you kidding me?
You're actually calling her?

- [ music stops ]
- Yeah, why is she
in your bathroom?

- Because we're dating.
- No, you're not.

- We're dating.
- No, you're not.

She broke up with you,
you dumbass.

She is still seeing me,
you dumbass.

- Don't call me a dumbass.
You're a dumbass.
- Really?

- You're a dumbass.
- No, you are a dumbass.

Hey, guys, guys.
Stop fighting.

Okay? I can explain
everything.

Yeah, great.

What is going on?

I mean, do I really
have to spell it out
for you?

Okay, well, we don't
have time for you
to write it down,

so tell us.

- She's two-timing us.
- She is two-timing us!

We got that
at the same time.

[ sighs ]
Okay, okay.
Look, look.

I have a really hard time
making decisions,

and you guys
are both great
for different reasons.

Gosh, I should go.
I'm really sorry, guys.

Okay, we're both
as smart as each other,
though, right?

Yeah, yeah,
we're both as dumb
as each other.

We both got played
by that woman.

[ sighs ]

Look, man,
I'm really sorry
about what I said earlier.

Nah, it's fine.
Don't worry about it.

I'm probably sensitive
about my...

lack of education.

Not going to college
has always been my
"R. Kelly's" heel.

Did you just say
"R. Kelly's" heel?

Yeah, I mean,
young girls are his

and college has always
been mine.

I'll allow it.