All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E85.Charlies.Living.the.Dream.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Does anyone know
where Ed is?

When he's going to be late,
he always leaves me
a voicemail.

I mean,
usually it's the sound
of him texting,

but at least
he's trying.

Well, don't look for him.

I can finally think straight
without him here.

And it's nice to be able
to say "think straight"

without somebody saying,
"You gotta be straight
to think straight."

That Ed.
He's so quick.

I just made that up.

Why are you
so intolerant?

Why are you so stupid?

Damn it.

Why am I more clever as Ed
than I am as me?

Okay, let's just go ahead
and start.

Lacey and I had
our first fight
as a couple.

Wow, Nolan,
I remember a day

when you never would have
stood up to Lacey.

I kicked his ass.

I'm shocked.

But good for you, Nolan.

I'm here!

Sorry I'm late.

I've been looking
for another person

to officiate
the renewal of vows
with my wife.

Ed, I texted you
a hundred times.

I'm sorry I missed
the rehearsal,

but I have
two good reasons.

Let me guess.
Heather and Heidi?

Okay,
that's not fair, Ed.

I didn't get their names.

Maybe I should get somebody
more reliable to officiate.

Like a meth-addicted
teen mom.

Ed, doing your ceremony
means the world to me.

I promise I'll be there
tomorrow morning.

I swear it
on the lives of...

what's her name

and her friend
with the great boobs.

The reason I asked you
was because you're the one

who got Dottie and me
back together.

Don't make me
regret this.

- I won't.
- Okay, then don't.

You okay, Ed?

You still seem like
you're pretty upset.

No, I'm happy.

I'm getting
remarried tomorrow.

Ed, instead
of leaving here

and taking out
this frustration

on some poor soul
behind the counter
at McDonald's,

why don't you
just take it out
on Bobo?

Because Bobo
doesn't give me free fries

to shut up
when I make a scene.

I'm telling you, man,
it's gotta be Jerry Rice.

I saw him play in person
and there's no question.

Oh, no, you could not
be more wrong.

It's Randy Moss.

That boy was fast
down the field.

It's like watching
a gazelle

in a helmet
and tight pants.

Are you guys talking about
the best wide receiver
of all time?

Because let's not forget
Lynn Swann.

He took ballet.

We're talking about
who would be

the hardest NFL player
to catch and kill.

Oh.

I'd still say Lynn Swann.

It's hard to cut
a guy's jugular when
he's doing a pirouette.

No, it's not.

You just hold
the knife and let him
spin around it.

Jordan, can I speak
to you in private
for a second?

Oh, sure.
What's up?

I think Cleo and Ernesto
are up to no good.

No, it's nothing
sinister.

They were just figuring out
which wide receiver

would be the hardest
to catch and kill.

Why do it piecemeal

when you can just
shoot down the blimp

and take out
half the stadium?

But it's not that.

I heard them
planning to riot
and take a hostage.

I also heard
"Jordan" and "10 AM,"

but I don't think
that part means anything.

Oh, really?

Are you sure
you heard this?

Oh, it gets worse.

Last thing I heard
them say was, "Shh,

here comes Wayne."

Sure, something bad
may happen to you,

but nothing's more painful
than being on the outside
looking in.

Come on, Wayne,
I think this is about

you being jealous
that they've had
more time

working in the clinic
than you have.

I can't believe
you would throw them
under the bus

for something
as petty as that.

You don't believe me,
see how fast they hush up

when you walk up
on 'em.

And I would
never throw anybody
under the bus.

It's an inefficient way
to kill someone.

Plus, it inconveniences
a whole bunch of innocent
commuters.

When I kill a man,
nobody's late for work.

Except for
the one guy.

I stand corrected.

So with the certificate
you got on the Internet,

you're allowed
to marry people?

Yes. All I had to do
was click "print"

and I'm the pope
of my own church.

Frankly,
I'm a little concerned
I won't be able

to get into my own heaven,
but I'm gonna work that out.

Hey, so the girls
are gonna finish
their lemon drops

and then we are gonna Uber it
to an after-hours downtown.

Mmm.
I'll order it.

Yeah, listen, bro.

I'm glad that you brought
Julie and Melanie by
again tonight.

They're refreshingly
unencumbered by the rules
of polite society,

but I've got Ed's ceremony
in the morning and I wanna
do a good job, so...

So we should keep
the party here.

We should crank
it up a notch

and we should make
a whole bunch of memories

that we'll be ashamed of
for the rest of our lives.

No.

Then I don't understand
what you want.

No, dude,
I am serious.

I'm falling asleep
on my feet.

Oh, my God!
It's 5:00 in the morning
and I gotta be there by 11:00.

So we have
six more hours
to party.

Sorry, but everybody out.
Come on, let's go.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

Mmm.
[ clicking tongue ]

Are you sure you wanna
leave me alone with
these two hot girls?

You know what's
going to happen,
don't you?

Yeah, you're gonna
spend a fortune on
bottle service,

then pass out in the back
of an Uber on the way home.

I was looking for
a pep talk, buddy,
and...

you let me down.

Damn it,
where's the sugar?

[ sighs ]

[ organ music playing ]

Ed:
Damn it!

Where the hell's
Charlie?

We're 30 minutes out
and he's nowhere
to be found.

Relax, Ed.
Maybe he's in his car
somewhere, you know?

Getting his thoughts
together,

smoking a bowl,
eating donuts.

Anyway, I'll be
in my car.

[ knock at door ]

[ rapid knocking ]

All right,
all right.

I'm comin'.

- Oh, my God, hi!
- Hey, baby!

- [ Sean imitates gunshots ]
- The hell are you guys
doing here?

I thought you were
going downtown.

I thought you were
supposed to be officiating
Ed's ceremony.

Well, I am.

Oh, damn it!
Did I oversleep?

Well, maybe
you should ask Bobo.

- Bobo?
- [ British accent ]
Hello, Charles.

Holy crap!

Oh, relax, Nancy boy.

You're simply having
a crazy dream.

You're British?

I'm also an inanimate
object who speaks,

but let's answer
the important question.

Yes, I'm British.

So do you know
what time it is
in the real world?

Oh, now, let me check.

I'll just look into
my real-world-o-scope--

but of course
I don't know!

I'm in the dream
with you!

Look, I don't have
time for this.

- What am I supposed to do?
- I don't know,

but what I do know is...

[ mocking ]
♪ You're going to be late

- ♪ You're going
to be late... ♪
- Oh, shut up, you moron.

♪ You're going
to be late... ♪

- You were made in Hong Kong.
- ♪ You're going to be late.

Aah!

You've given in
to your anger.

I win.

[ theme music playing ]

Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, um, hi,
um... Jordan.

You're here early.

So are you.

Oh, well, we live here,
so we have a much
shorter commute.

Well, uh,
don't mind us.

We're gonna be over here
fixing the cubicle.

Yes, the cubicle wall
because it's, uh--

it's wobbly.

Okay.

Well,
while you do that,

I just remembered
I left something in my car.

A hamster.

I got it for
my nephew's birthday

and I need
to crack a window.

Just a little bit.
It's very small.

I don't think
she suspects a thing.

- Did you get the knife?
- Oh, yes, I did.

And I had to do
unspeakable things

with three different men
to get it.

Oh, wait, I already
had the knife.

Does everybody else know
that this is going down
this morning?

Oh, yes,
the word is out.

[ Ernesto claps and laughs ]

I can't wait to hear
her scream.

I know, it's gonna
be incredible.

- [ clatters ]
- Aah!

Oh, hi, guys.

I thought you was
going to your car.

I was on my way
to the car

and I forgot
to take this phone.

The hamster has nothing
to play with.

They love the buttons.

What are you doing?

I am trying to
wake myself up
from this dream

so I can get
to Ed's ceremony.

So I put my hand
in this warm water

and when I get
the urge to go,
it'll wake me up.

We did it to this kid
at summer camp one year.

Now, did he wake up
before or after

he had the urge to go?

Dude, it was hysterical.
He went all over the--

oh, towel, towel!

Thanks.

Michael?

Where the hell
have you been?

You're not
gonna believe this,

but I'm not
in real estate anymore.

I'm an actor now.

- You're acting?
- Yeah.

Been on TV
and everything.

So, uh,
what are you up to?

I'm trying to wake myself up
from this dream.

This is your dream?
Standing in a kitchen
trying to wet yourself?

You should be fighting
in the Vietnam War

or a Wall Street tycoon
or an assistant to a mayor

or at the very least
a jingle writer living
in Malibu.

Well, the jingle writer
thing sucks...

but I do like
the Wall Street idea.

- [ horse neighs ]
- Dude! You're on a horse!

I am?

Ha-ha!
Look at that.

I wonder what
that represents.

Oh, sometimes a horse
is just a horse.

Right, Beatrice?

Wait,
that's my mother's name.

Does it bother you
that I'm straddling her?

I gotta end this.

And I know I'm in a dream

and I know
it's just a horse,
but get off of my mom!

What the hell is this?

Whoo!

Oh, that was an hour.
I'm gonna go take a bath.

That was an hour?

Michael:
Wanna get in the tub with me?

What?

I said,
"Do you wanna get
in the tub with me?"

I would,
but I'm afraid

that part of you
might still be Michael.

Wait a minute.

You're that hot girl
who worked at the DMV.

That's right.
I took that horrible
driver's license picture

of you in 2004
and you haven't stopped
thinking about me since.

I had a fantasy that
you took that bad picture

hoping that
I'd come back.

I did.

You know, every time I get
pulled over by the cops,

I think of you,
and that's a lot.

Michael:
Don't do it, Charlie!

If you make love
to that woman,

you'll be late
for Ed's ceremony.

Come on, Charlie.
Let's have fun.

Don't they say that
time is condensed in dreams

and that everything happens
in, like, one second?

Well, let's see.

I was in your kitchen,
then I rode Beatrice,

then I had a crazy lunch
with Teddy Roosevelt
in Paris,

then I worked out,
and all that took
two seconds.

Cool, I can do this.

All right, Mike,
hit the trail.

And, Mom, get out
of my bedroom.

I'm with a girl.

You sure this is
going down at 10:00?

That's what
Wayne told me.

And I heard them
talking about a knife

and surprising me
and hearing me scream,

but I don't want
anybody to get hurt.

Nobody's gonna
get hurt.

We just wanna
talk to them.

[ guns cock ]

That seems like
a bit much.

Ma'am, you never know
what they're gonna come
through that door with.

- Happy birthday, Jordan!
- Happy birthday, Jordan!

- Oh, my God!
- It's a cake!
It's a cake!

It's a cake.

A cake...
which is something

you may need
a knife for.

And I was surprised.

[ fake screams ]

So this is not
a hostage situation,
it's your birthday?

Yes, well,
technically not for
another half hour--

yes.

Congratulations, you got half
the tactical team out here

to celebrate
your birthday!

I just don't know why
Wayne would tell me
all that stuff.

Man on radio:
Security breach
in cell block D.

We got a runner
at the east gate
trying to escape.

And that
would be Wayne.

Anyway, I've been living
in your subconscious

since 2004,

and I figured
a lot of things out.

- Like what?
- Like the one thing you need

to have a happy
and fulfilling life is--

Hold on, hold on,
let me grab a pen
and write this down.

I don't wanna
forget it.

Aah!

Charlie, you really
let me down!

Oh, really?
'Cause I'm feeling
a little let down myself.

You promised you'd be
at my ceremony!

And yet here you are
in bed with another

sexy, beautiful,
young...

well... me.

Look, I'm sorry, Ed,
but I'm stuck in this dream.

- You're in a dream?
- You think I'd be lying
in bed with you if I wasn't?

I just gotta find a way
to get out of it.

Well, everybody knows
that if you're about
to die in a dream,

you'll wake up.

Well, of course.
Why didn't I think of that?

All right, then, Ed.

- Will you kill me?
- Well, I would kill you
if I had a gun,

but I don't believe
in guns or the NRA.

My God,
is this your dream
or my nightmare?

All right, forget it,
I'll find someone else
to do it.

Lacey, I need someone
to kill me.

You shot a guy in the balls.
Would you shoot me?

But not in the balls?

I should kill you.

You got me pregnant.

How could I be the father?
We never even had sex.

But you've
thought about it.

And if you know anything
about the subconscious,

you know
that's all it takes.

Listen, are you
gonna kill me or not?

No, Charlie!
You've got to stay alive.

If not for me,
then for our...

[ groaning ]

- [ whines ]
- ...our baby.

Snowball!

That's our dog
from when I was a kid.

It's not your baby.

It's obviously Nolan's.

He's got that same
dumb look in his eyes.

Come on, Nolan Jr.

We're gonna get
you fixed.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, Wayne.

Thank God,
a professional murderer.

Would you do me
a really big favor

- and kill me?
- [ sighs ] I can't.

Well, why not?
You've killed
dozens of people.

I know,
and I'd like to oblige,

but when somebody
wants to die, it takes
all the fun out of it.

I always said
when murdering
stops being fun,

I'd hang 'em up.

All right, fine.
I'll do it myself.

I'm done
with this stupid dream.

[ screaming ]

The hell's going on?

[ screaming ]

Damn it!

Why isn't this working?

Dreams don't always go
the way you want them
to, Charlie.

Fine, I give up.

- So you don't wanna die?
- No, no.

I guess I'll just marry
the DMV girl

and help Lacey
housebreak Nolan Jr.

Cool, so you got
something to live for?

Now it'll be fun
to kill ya.

[ pops ]

[ panting ]

Sorry, I just popped
my gum.

- I'm awake!
- Ed sent me to get you

because you weren't
picking up your phone.

You gotta get
to the ceremony!

That hasn't happened yet?
Fantastic!

I had
the weirdest dream.

I tried everything,
but I couldn't get out of it.

Yeah, I had a turtleneck
like that once.

Nolan, we've been
over this before.

If your head
doesn't fit through,
it's a sleeve.

- [ organ music playing ]
- You see, Ed? I made it.

- Just like I said I would.
- Damn it, Charlie,

why'd you have
to cut it so close?

Ed, Ed, if there's one thing
we worked on in group,

it's let
the little things go.

Oh, by the way, I may have
hit your car accidently
while I was parking.

- What?!
- Let it go, Ed.
Let it go.

Oh, thank God
he's here.

- Are you ready?
- I'm ready...

sweetheart.

Sweetheart?

Oh, for now,
but in 10 minutes

we will be
Mr. and Mr. Ed Landry.

You guys
are getting married?

Oh, man,
I'm still stuck
in the dream.

No, Charlie,
it's no longer a dream.

It's legal
in this state.

Charlie!
Charlie!

[ panting ]

Wait a minute.

Am I awake
or am I still dreaming?

- Do you wanna
have sex with me?
- What? No!

Oh, thank God,
the nightmare's over.

Patrick just called.

You have to be
at Ed's ceremony
in 20 minutes.

Oh, man.
I gotta get ready!

And, um, by the way,

don't go into work
afterwards.

Okay,
I wasn't going to,

but just for fun,
let's pretend that I was.

What did you do?

[ scoffs ]
Apparently somebody
helped Wayne try to escape

by distracting the guards
with a riot scare

that turned out
to be that person's
birthday party.

Wait, isn't today
your birthday?

You can't remember
the entire month of August,

but you remember
my birthday?!

I remember
the last day
of July.

That was killer.

- [ organ music playing ]
- All right, Ed. I'm here.

I am really here.

I think.

Charlie, you made it.

Of course I made it.
Why wouldn't I have made it?

I don't know.
I thought you might
have gone out last night

partying with some ladies
and overslept.

I know when
enough is enough.

And enough was enough
at 5:00 this morning.

Let's do this.

Hey,
so what's going on?

'Cause we've been
sitting in there
for 10 minutes

and nothing's
happening.

Lacey, you're not
pregnant, are you?

Are you calling me fat?
Because I will punch you
in front of Jesus.

Ed, I gotta say

you look
really handsome
in a tux.

You know what?
I'm gonna take that
as a compliment.

It was a compliment.

Oh.

What are you up to?

All right, fine.

If it'll make you
feel better,

I'm glad you spent
the extra eight bucks
at the Tux Wearhouse

so you could get
the hypno vest,

you dirty
old hillbilly.

Well, thanks,
twinkle toes,
that means a lot.

All right, Mr. Landry,
your lovely bride is ready,

so we're gonna
get started.

All right.
Let's do this thing.

- And are you the person
officiating?
- I am, yes.

Here,
let me mic you.

Did you used to work
at the DMV?

Yeah,
a long time ago.

You took...

- this.
- [ laughs ]

Oh, yeah.
I remember you.

I took a bad picture of you
because I was hoping

- you would come back.
- Well, I'm back.

My hair is combed,
my eyes are open.

I'm not making
that weird face anymore.

So how about you and I
go out for a drink?

Don't you have
to officiate the ceremony?

No, I don't have to read
the whole speech.

I can just cut it short,
and then you and I can
get out of here.

Ed and his wife
will never know
the difference.

Ed:
Your mic's on!

We can hear
every word you say!

Yeah, I meant for you
to hear that.

A good minister
always opens with a joke.

See you outside
in 10 minutes?

Dearly beloved...

you know who's got
a great sense of humor?

Ed and Dottie.