Original subtitles

Does anyone know where Ed is?

When he's going to be late, he always leaves me a voicemail.

I mean, usually it's the sound of him texting,

but at least he's trying.

Well, don't look for him.

I can finally think straight without him here.

And it's nice to be able to say "think straight"

without somebody saying, "You gotta be straight to think straight."

That Ed. He's so quick.

I just made that up.

Why are you so intolerant?

Why are you so stupid?

Damn it.

Why am I more clever as Ed than I am as me?

Okay, let's just go ahead and start.

Lacey and I had our first fight as a couple.

Wow, Nolan, I remember a day

when you never would have stood up to Lacey.

I kicked his ass.

I'm shocked.

But good for you, Nolan.

I'm here!

Sorry I'm late.

I've been looking for another person

to officiate the renewal of vows with my wife.

Ed, I texted you a hundred times.

I'm sorry I missed the rehearsal,

but I have two good reasons.

Let me guess. Heather and Heidi?

Okay, that's not fair, Ed.

I didn't get their names.

Maybe I should get somebody more reliable to officiate.

Like a meth-addicted teen mom.

Ed, doing your ceremony means the world to me.

I promise I'll be there tomorrow morning.

I swear it on the lives of...

what's her name

and her friend with the great boobs.

The reason I asked you was because you're the one

who got Dottie and me back together.

Don't make me regret this.

- I won't. - Okay, then don't.

You okay, Ed?

You still seem like you're pretty upset.

No, I'm happy.

I'm getting remarried tomorrow.

Ed, instead of leaving here

and taking out this frustration

on some poor soul behind the counter at McDonald's,

why don't you just take it out on Bobo?

Because Bobo doesn't give me free fries

to shut up when I make a scene.

I'm telling you, man, it's gotta be Jerry Rice.

I saw him play in person and there's no question.

Oh, no, you could not be more wrong.

It's Randy Moss.

That boy was fast down the field.

It's like watching a gazelle

in a helmet and tight pants.

Are you guys talking about the best wide receiver of all time?

Because let's not forget Lynn Swann.

He took ballet.

We're talking about who would be

the hardest NFL player to catch and kill.

Oh.

I'd still say Lynn Swann.

It's hard to cut a guy's jugular when he's doing a pirouette.

No, it's not.

You just hold the knife and let him spin around it.

Jordan, can I speak to you in private for a second?

Oh, sure. What's up?

I think Cleo and Ernesto are up to no good.

No, it's nothing sinister.

They were just figuring out which wide receiver

would be the hardest to catch and kill.

Why do it piecemeal

when you can just shoot down the blimp

and take out half the stadium?

But it's not that.

I heard them planning to riot and take a hostage.

I also heard "Jordan" and "10 AM,"

but I don't think that part means anything.

Oh, really?

Are you sure you heard this?

Oh, it gets worse.

Last thing I heard them say was, "Shh,

here comes Wayne."

Sure, something bad may happen to you,

but nothing's more painful than being on the outside looking in.

Come on, Wayne, I think this is about

you being jealous that they've had more time

working in the clinic than you have.

I can't believe you would throw them under the bus

for something as petty as that.

You don't believe me, see how fast they hush up

when you walk up on 'em.

And I would never throw anybody under the bus.

It's an inefficient way to kill someone.

Plus, it inconveniences a whole bunch of innocent commuters.

When I kill a man, nobody's late for work.

Except for the one guy.

I stand corrected.

So with the certificate you got on the Internet,

you're allowed to marry people?

Yes. All I had to do was click "print"

and I'm the pope of my own church.

Frankly, I'm a little concerned I won't be able

to get into my own heaven, but I'm gonna work that out.

Hey, so the girls are gonna finish their lemon drops

and then we are gonna Uber it to an after-hours downtown.

Mmm. I'll order it.

Yeah, listen, bro.

I'm glad that you brought Julie and Melanie by again tonight.

They're refreshingly unencumbered by the rules of polite society,

but I've got Ed's ceremony in the morning and I wanna do a good job, so...

So we should keep the party here.

We should crank it up a notch

and we should make a whole bunch of memories

that we'll be ashamed of for the rest of our lives.

No.

Then I don't understand what you want.

No, dude, I am serious.

I'm falling asleep on my feet.

Oh, my God! It's 5:00 in the morning and I gotta be there by 11:00.

So we have six more hours to party.

Sorry, but everybody out. Come on, let's go.

- Really? - Yes, really.

Mmm. [ clicking tongue ]

Are you sure you wanna leave me alone with these two hot girls?

You know what's going to happen, don't you?

Yeah, you're gonna spend a fortune on bottle service,

then pass out in the back of an Uber on the way home.

I was looking for a pep talk, buddy, and...

you let me down.

Damn it, where's the sugar?

[ sighs ]

[ organ music playing ]

Ed: Damn it!

Where the hell's Charlie?

We're 30 minutes out and he's nowhere to be found.

Relax, Ed. Maybe he's in his car somewhere, you know?

Getting his thoughts together,

smoking a bowl, eating donuts.

Anyway, I'll be in my car.

[ knock at door ]

[ rapid knocking ]

All right, all right.

I'm comin'.

- Oh, my God, hi! - Hey, baby!

- [ Sean imitates gunshots ] - The hell are you guys doing here?

I thought you were going downtown.

I thought you were supposed to be officiating Ed's ceremony.

Well, I am.

Oh, damn it! Did I oversleep?

Well, maybe you should ask Bobo.

- Bobo? - [ British accent ] Hello, Charles.

Holy crap!

Oh, relax, Nancy boy.

You're simply having a crazy dream.

You're British?

I'm also an inanimate object who speaks,

but let's answer the important question.

Yes, I'm British.

So do you know what time it is in the real world?

Oh, now, let me check.

I'll just look into my real-world-o-scope--

but of course I don't know!

I'm in the dream with you!

Look, I don't have time for this.

- What am I supposed to do? - I don't know,

but what I do know is...

[ mocking ] ♪ You're going to be late

- ♪ You're going to be late... ♪ - Oh, shut up, you moron.

♪ You're going to be late... ♪

- You were made in Hong Kong. - ♪ You're going to be late.

Aah!

You've given in to your anger.

I win.

[ theme music playing ]

Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, um, hi, um... Jordan.

You're here early.

So are you.

Oh, well, we live here, so we have a much shorter commute.

Well, uh, don't mind us.

We're gonna be over here fixing the cubicle.

Yes, the cubicle wall because it's, uh--

it's wobbly.

Okay.

Well, while you do that,

I just remembered I left something in my car.

A hamster.

I got it for my nephew's birthday

and I need to crack a window.

Just a little bit. It's very small.

I don't think she suspects a thing.

- Did you get the knife? - Oh, yes, I did.

And I had to do unspeakable things

with three different men to get it.

Oh, wait, I already had the knife.

Does everybody else know that this is going down this morning?

Oh, yes, the word is out.

[ Ernesto claps and laughs ]

I can't wait to hear her scream.

I know, it's gonna be incredible.

- [ clatters ] - Aah!

Oh, hi, guys.

I thought you was going to your car.

I was on my way to the car

and I forgot to take this phone.

The hamster has nothing to play with.

They love the buttons.

What are you doing?

I am trying to wake myself up from this dream

so I can get to Ed's ceremony.

So I put my hand in this warm water

and when I get the urge to go, it'll wake me up.

We did it to this kid at summer camp one year.

Now, did he wake up before or after

he had the urge to go?

Dude, it was hysterical. He went all over the--

oh, towel, towel!

Thanks.

Michael?

Where the hell have you been?

You're not gonna believe this,

but I'm not in real estate anymore.

I'm an actor now.

- You're acting? - Yeah.

Been on TV and everything.

So, uh, what are you up to?

I'm trying to wake myself up from this dream.

This is your dream? Standing in a kitchen trying to wet yourself?

You should be fighting in the Vietnam War

or a Wall Street tycoon or an assistant to a mayor

or at the very least a jingle writer living in Malibu.

Well, the jingle writer thing sucks...

but I do like the Wall Street idea.

- [ horse neighs ] - Dude! You're on a horse!

I am?

Ha-ha! Look at that.

I wonder what that represents.

Oh, sometimes a horse is just a horse.

Right, Beatrice?

Wait, that's my mother's name.

Does it bother you that I'm straddling her?

I gotta end this.

And I know I'm in a dream

and I know it's just a horse, but get off of my mom!

What the hell is this?

Whoo!

Oh, that was an hour. I'm gonna go take a bath.

That was an hour?

Michael: Wanna get in the tub with me?

What?

I said, "Do you wanna get in the tub with me?"

I would, but I'm afraid

that part of you might still be Michael.

Wait a minute.

You're that hot girl who worked at the DMV.

That's right. I took that horrible driver's license picture

of you in 2004 and you haven't stopped thinking about me since.

I had a fantasy that you took that bad picture

hoping that I'd come back.

I did.

You know, every time I get pulled over by the cops,

I think of you, and that's a lot.

Michael: Don't do it, Charlie!

If you make love to that woman,

you'll be late for Ed's ceremony.

Come on, Charlie. Let's have fun.

Don't they say that time is condensed in dreams

and that everything happens in, like, one second?

Well, let's see.

I was in your kitchen, then I rode Beatrice,

then I had a crazy lunch with Teddy Roosevelt in Paris,

then I worked out, and all that took two seconds.

Cool, I can do this.

All right, Mike, hit the trail.

And, Mom, get out of my bedroom.

I'm with a girl.

You sure this is going down at 10:00?

That's what Wayne told me.

And I heard them talking about a knife

and surprising me and hearing me scream,

but I don't want anybody to get hurt.

Nobody's gonna get hurt.

We just wanna talk to them.

[ guns cock ]

That seems like a bit much.

Ma'am, you never know what they're gonna come through that door with.

- Happy birthday, Jordan! - Happy birthday, Jordan!

- Oh, my God! - It's a cake! It's a cake!

It's a cake.

A cake... which is something

you may need a knife for.

And I was surprised.

[ fake screams ]

So this is not a hostage situation, it's your birthday?

Yes, well, technically not for another half hour--

yes.

Congratulations, you got half the tactical team out here

to celebrate your birthday!

I just don't know why Wayne would tell me all that stuff.

Man on radio: Security breach in cell block D.

We got a runner at the east gate trying to escape.

And that would be Wayne.

Anyway, I've been living in your subconscious

since 2004,

and I figured a lot of things out.

- Like what? - Like the one thing you need

to have a happy and fulfilling life is--

Hold on, hold on, let me grab a pen and write this down.

I don't wanna forget it.

Aah!

Charlie, you really let me down!

Oh, really? 'Cause I'm feeling a little let down myself.

You promised you'd be at my ceremony!

And yet here you are in bed with another

sexy, beautiful, young...

well... me.

Look, I'm sorry, Ed, but I'm stuck in this dream.

- You're in a dream? - You think I'd be lying in bed with you if I wasn't?

I just gotta find a way to get out of it.

Well, everybody knows that if you're about to die in a dream,

you'll wake up.

Well, of course. Why didn't I think of that?

All right, then, Ed.

- Will you kill me? - Well, I would kill you if I had a gun,

but I don't believe in guns or the NRA.

My God, is this your dream or my nightmare?

All right, forget it, I'll find someone else to do it.

Lacey, I need someone to kill me.

You shot a guy in the balls. Would you shoot me?

But not in the balls?

I should kill you.

You got me pregnant.

How could I be the father? We never even had sex.

But you've thought about it.

And if you know anything about the subconscious,

you know that's all it takes.

Listen, are you gonna kill me or not?

No, Charlie! You've got to stay alive.

If not for me, then for our...

[ groaning ]

- [ whines ] - ...our baby.

Snowball!

That's our dog from when I was a kid.

It's not your baby.

It's obviously Nolan's.

He's got that same dumb look in his eyes.

Come on, Nolan Jr.

We're gonna get you fixed.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, Wayne.

Thank God, a professional murderer.

Would you do me a really big favor

- and kill me? - [ sighs ] I can't.

Well, why not? You've killed dozens of people.

I know, and I'd like to oblige,

but when somebody wants to die, it takes all the fun out of it.

I always said when murdering stops being fun,

I'd hang 'em up.

All right, fine. I'll do it myself.

I'm done with this stupid dream.

[ screaming ]

The hell's going on?

[ screaming ]

Damn it!

Why isn't this working?

Dreams don't always go the way you want them to, Charlie.

Fine, I give up.

- So you don't wanna die? - No, no.

I guess I'll just marry the DMV girl

and help Lacey housebreak Nolan Jr.

Cool, so you got something to live for?

Now it'll be fun to kill ya.

[ pops ]

[ panting ]

Sorry, I just popped my gum.

- I'm awake! - Ed sent me to get you

because you weren't picking up your phone.

You gotta get to the ceremony!

That hasn't happened yet? Fantastic!

I had the weirdest dream.

I tried everything, but I couldn't get out of it.

Yeah, I had a turtleneck like that once.

Nolan, we've been over this before.

If your head doesn't fit through, it's a sleeve.

- [ organ music playing ] - You see, Ed? I made it.

- Just like I said I would. - Damn it, Charlie,

why'd you have to cut it so close?

Ed, Ed, if there's one thing we worked on in group,

it's let the little things go.

Oh, by the way, I may have hit your car accidently while I was parking.

- What?! - Let it go, Ed. Let it go.

Oh, thank God he's here.

- Are you ready? - I'm ready...

sweetheart.

Sweetheart?

Oh, for now, but in 10 minutes

we will be Mr. and Mr. Ed Landry.

You guys are getting married?

Oh, man, I'm still stuck in the dream.

No, Charlie, it's no longer a dream.

It's legal in this state.

Charlie! Charlie!

[ panting ]

Wait a minute.

Am I awake or am I still dreaming?

- Do you wanna have sex with me? - What? No!

Oh, thank God, the nightmare's over.

Patrick just called.

You have to be at Ed's ceremony in 20 minutes.

Oh, man. I gotta get ready!

And, um, by the way,

don't go into work afterwards.

Okay, I wasn't going to,

but just for fun, let's pretend that I was.

What did you do?

[ scoffs ] Apparently somebody helped Wayne try to escape

by distracting the guards with a riot scare

that turned out to be that person's birthday party.

Wait, isn't today your birthday?

You can't remember the entire month of August,

but you remember my birthday?!

I remember the last day of July.

That was killer.

- [ organ music playing ] - All right, Ed. I'm here.

I am really here.

I think.

Charlie, you made it.

Of course I made it. Why wouldn't I have made it?

I don't know. I thought you might have gone out last night

partying with some ladies and overslept.

I know when enough is enough.

And enough was enough at 5:00 this morning.

Let's do this.

Hey, so what's going on?

'Cause we've been sitting in there for 10 minutes

and nothing's happening.

Lacey, you're not pregnant, are you?

Are you calling me fat? Because I will punch you in front of Jesus.

Ed, I gotta say

you look really handsome in a tux.

You know what? I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

It was a compliment.

Oh.

What are you up to?

All right, fine.

If it'll make you feel better,

I'm glad you spent the extra eight bucks at the Tux Wearhouse

so you could get the hypno vest,

you dirty old hillbilly.

Well, thanks, twinkle toes, that means a lot.

All right, Mr. Landry, your lovely bride is ready,

so we're gonna get started.

All right. Let's do this thing.

- And are you the person officiating? - I am, yes.

Here, let me mic you.

Did you used to work at the DMV?

Yeah, a long time ago.

You took...

- this. - [ laughs ]

Oh, yeah. I remember you.

I took a bad picture of you because I was hoping

- you would come back. - Well, I'm back.

My hair is combed, my eyes are open.

I'm not making that weird face anymore.

So how about you and I go out for a drink?

Don't you have to officiate the ceremony?

No, I don't have to read the whole speech.

I can just cut it short, and then you and I can get out of here.

Ed and his wife will never know the difference.

Ed: Your mic's on!

We can hear every word you say!

Yeah, I meant for you to hear that.

A good minister always opens with a joke.

See you outside in 10 minutes?

Dearly beloved...

you know who's got a great sense of humor?

Ed and Dottie.