All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E84.Charlie.Gets.in.Bed.with.Jordan.and.Her.Ex.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

The wife and I went
to the Merry Peasant
last night.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, we decided since
we're getting back together

that we'd have
two date nights a week.

That is, unless I get lucky
on the first one.

[ laughing ]

Say, do you want
a magazine or something?

I can't, Ed.
We're in the
middle of group.

So, Patrick,
how was your week?

I had another dream
about my mother.

She was talking to a little boy
in a sailor suit

and she was telling him
he's not good enough.

He's not good enough!

And he desperately wanted
her love and...

Okay, I can't do this
while you're getting a haircut.

I told you guys, I have a very
important meeting after group
and I need a haircut.

Since Dad cut hair in the Army,
I figured he could do it.

I didn't cut hair
in the Army.

I said I wanted
to cut hair in the Army,

but they wouldn't let me
because of my shaky hands.

Well, then just keep going.

Whatever you do,
you can't hurt this.

Well, I got something
that's making me angry.

They're cutting down the tree
in the Merry Peasant.

Forget about the tree,
you know what they need
to get rid of

is that big, nasty
women's room attendant

who's always handing out
toilet paper.

They don't have
a women's room attendant,

but I know the dude
you're talking about.

We can't let them
cut down the tree!

There's a hummingbird
nesting up there with eggs
that are about to hatch.

The valet told me about it.

The Merry Peasant
doesn't have a valet!

They really need
to get a security guard
down at that place.

Ow, Ed!
You cut my ear!

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
I didn't realize I was
cutting a lady's hair.

Why do you care so much
about this stupid bird?

Just forget about her!

Like the father did
who flew in,

made a bunch of promises,
had his way with her,
and then split?

Well, you're only getting
her side of the story.

Maybe he got a great job
downtown crapping
on windshields

and he was gonna send
for her in a month.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

Oh, nothing.

Is there gonna be
anybody at that meeting

who's real tall
that might be looking down,

I don't know,
at the top of your head?

- Why?
- Oh, just making
chitchat.

All right,
you're finished.

Are you sure
it looks okay?

'Cause I'm meeting with a guy
who wants to franchise

my prison clinic
nationwide.

Ooh, an investor!
Is he single?

Hey, you're
dating me now!

Oh, are we still together?
I thought you were dating
a hummingbird.

Jordan:
Charlie, are you home?

Oh, crap,
it's Jordan.

Look, don't tell her
about my meeting.

I don't want her
to get all excited
in case it falls apart.

Sorry to interrupt,

the warden needs these
reports by 6:00 today.

We can knock 'em out
in a couple of hours
as soon as you're done.

I can't.

Why not?

Because Patrick is in the middle
of an intense breakthrough

and it's gonna take awhile.

Tell her, Patrick.

When I was
10 years old,

I was walking down
the railroad track
with my friends

and we stumbled across
a dead body.

We made a pact that day
never to talk about it
to anybody.

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

I'll just take care
of these.

I'll see you later
at the office.

Nice job, Patrick.
Luckily, she never saw
"Stand by Me."

- What?
- You just described

the storyline to
the movie "Stand by Me."

No, I didn't.

That actually
happened to me.

Give me a chance
to even that up on top.

Don't come near me.

Take a look at this.

By my estimates,
we could have your
anger clinics

in 25 prisons by the end
of the first year alone.
How does that sound?

Well, I have to
check the numbers,

but I'm pretty sure
that sounds like

25 times the number
of clinics I have now.

- So what do you think?
- I think it sounds great.

I'll just have to
run it past my partner
and get back to you.

Terrific, but before you do,
I gotta be honest with you,

I kind of misrepresented
myself today.

Oh, you mean when you
pulled up in your friend's
Ferrari to impress me?

You didn't need to do that.

That's kind of
a douche car anyway.

No, that's my Ferrari.

Way to break
the stereotype!

My last name
isn't really Smith.
It's Denby.

I'm Jordan's ex-husband.

Wait a minute,
you're that Darren?

- Jordan hates you.
- Yeah, I made a few mistakes.

You left her
for her sister.

I gotta say,
that was probably the biggie.

So what the hell's
this all about?

I actually do want
to invest in your clinic,
but mostly for Jordan.

I feel so guilty
about what I did to her

and this way I can
help her out financially.

Well, here's an idea:
give her a bunch of money.

I mean, first,
invest in my clinic,

then give her
a bunch of money!

I can't. She wouldn't
even take alimony.

She said she wouldn't
touch a dollar

that came from my filthy,
cheating hands.

You lucky bastard.

So what do you say?

Will you let me invest
and we'll keep it our secret?

I appreciate the offer,
but I do have ethics

and one of the things
I will not do is lie
to my partner.

We project you could earn
up to $2 million by the end
of the first year.

Of course, we all know
that ethics do not apply
to the very rich.

[ theme music playing ]

Nolan, honey,
it's been four hours.

People are just
ignoring you now.
You've made your point.

You need to leave
or the owner's gonna
have to do something.

I'm not leaving
until you promise not
to cut down this tree.

I know you haven't
eaten all morning,

so I brought you
onion rings, lemonade,

chocolate milk shake
and a cheeseburger.

Wow, thanks, Brett.

Oh, can you move it
a little closer, please?

No, I cannot.

- Hey, Nolan.
- Oh, it's so good
to see you.

Do you mind
passing me the plate?

Oh, I would, but it says
"do not feed."

So are you done yet?

Because I was
sitting at home

thinking about doing
something fun,

but my boyfriend is here,
chained to a tree.

I know, and I wanna
do that too,

but what about the bird?

The birds will find another
tree in another restaurant.

They always do.

But there's a nest.

Look, you adorable moron,

you're embarrassing
the hell out of me.

I don't know why you're
so angry all of a sudden,

a second ago
you wanted to go home

- and make
the sweet-sweet love.
- [ gasps ]

Okay, first of all,
I told you to never
use that phrase.

And second, I was just trying
to trick you into leaving.

So there wasn't
gonna be any sex?

Of course there was.
I have needs.

But when the newspeople
come around and start asking me,

"Did you always know
he was weird when you
first started dating him?"

I'm not gonna
be able to lie.

Here's the bottom line:
it's me or the tree.

The tree.

Okay, I want you
to take your time

because this is gonna be
your final answer--

The tree.

Okay, I want you
to take your time now,

because I don't think
you fully understand
what I'm saying--

The tree.

- I'm a woman, this is--
- The tree.

Okay, I'm gonna go now.

Why don't you call me
when you decide?

The tree.

Call me.

Hey.

What are you doing
eating my Otter Pops
in the dark?

It's called
"sensory deprivation"

and it heightens
the taste experience.

Of course. That way you get
the full flavor of the blue.

Where are you coming
back from?

I just met with a guy
who thinks that we
can make millions

by opening my prison clinics
across the country.

Wow, so you're
about to be rich

and you're complaining about
me eating your Otter Pops.

Well, it's not exactly
a done deal

and there is a catch:

the investor also happens
to be Jordan's ex-husband.

- That's a problem.
She hates him.
- I know, I know.

That's why if
I wind up doing this,

she can't know that it's
coming from him,

but I don't want
to lie to my partner.

Ah, it's kind of
a special case.

I mean, I don't think
lying is bad when you're
helping somebody get rich.

Or if you're having sex
with a woman and you call her
by the wrong name,

but then say,
"I think that's what we
should name our daughter."

You know, I found a way
around that problem.

Remember the name
of the woman you're
having sex with!

Yeah, sure.

I'll remember that next time
I'm having sex when I'm sober.

You know what, though?
Maybe you're right.

If Jordan gets rich
off this thing,

of course
she'll forgive me.

I just gotta keep
the lie going until then.

Listen, if it were me,
I would just create
some fake guy

- that she can't ever meet.
- All right, that's good.

That's good, but why
couldn't she ever meet him?

He's a billionaire,
germophobic recluse.

That's ridiculous.

Really?

Can you come up
with something better?

I can come up with
100 different things
that are better than that.

That's right.

He's a billionaire,
germophobic recluse.

- That's crazy.
- Well, yes, yes,

but the good news is
he wants to fund a boatload
of our clinics.

We're gonna help
a lot of people

and if we make
a lot of money doing it...

well, that's why
we're doing it.

I don't know, Charlie.

- Would you file
these, please?
- Sure.

I became a serial killer
so I wouldn't get stuck
in an office job.

Now look at me.
Life is funny.

Come on, Jordan.
We can't pass this up.

Look, it sounds great,

but setting up
all these clinics

is gonna be a tremendous
amount of work for us.

I'm not going through
all that without meeting
this investor.

- How about a phone call?
- I'm sorry, I've got to meet
this guy face-to-face

before I get
into bed with him.

Well, who knows?
Maybe you already have.

Pardon me?

I'm just saying that sometimes
we all take a leap of faith.

Yeah, you guys
took a leap of faith

by letting me work here,
and I'm a murderer.

I haven't killed
you guys yet.

That's true, I just wish
you hadn't used the word "yet."

Sorry, I probably
won't kill you.

Now you just used
the word "probably."

So what do
you say, Jordan?

This is a huge
opportunity for us.

Besides, the guy's leaving
on a red-eye tonight.

Then I'll meet him
before he leaves,
otherwise I'm out.

- He sounds too sketchy.
- Oh, please.

There's nothing sketchy
about getting rich

off helping career
criminals with money

from a man you're not
allowed to meet.

Fine, I'll try to
figure something out.

Ernesto, make sure
your seams are straight.

- What you mean?
- They're not straight.

Make them straight.
They're supposed to
look like this!

Charlie, I live
inside a tiny box.

I don't need this
extra tension in my life.

Ernesto speaks the truth.

This is supposed to be
a relaxation exercise.

Yeah, you're making
me so nervous,

I sewed this thing
to my jumpsuit.

Now I guess
I'll just have to

take my jumpsuit off
and sew naked.

You'd like that,
wouldn't you?

I'm sorry, guys.
I'm a little stressed out,

but I really don't
want to talk about it.

I can talk about it.
I was there.

Charlie and his beautiful
partner, Jordan,

stand to make
a lot of money.

Ooh, so it's about making
lots of money this time.

Good! I sold my toothbrush
for a pencil yesterday,

but let's hear about
Charlie's problem.

I have to find somebody

who Jordan believes
is a wealthy investor

and I've got to
find him by tonight.

You're in luck, Charlie.

I've got the perfect
person for you.

All right, all right.
Let me just stop you
right there.

The last time you set me up
with a con man, he sucked.

I paid the guy a lot of money
and he didn't do a damn thing.

Sounds like a pretty good
con man to me!

No, no, no. This fella
just got out and he's
a financial whiz.

You wanna know why
Bernie Madoff had to
start that Ponzi scheme?

'Cause he lost all of his
money to this guy.

Okay, well,
I'm desperate.

But if he just got out,
are you sure he's willing
to do this type of work again?

Well, let's see.

Last week, he was selling
coyotes to blind people
as Seeing Eye dogs.

They kept dragging 'em
up to the hills.

So, yeah, I think he's fine
with lying to Jordan.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, God.

Not you again,
what the hell
are you doing here?

I'm your germophobic
billionaire investor.

No, no, no, we are
not doing this.

I told the guys
anybody but you.

I realize our last
endeavor was less
than fruitful,

but the guys lied
and sent me again

when they realized you
didn't give me a chance
to do my stuff.

And also they're criminals
and can't be trusted.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, hey, what are
you doing here?

You're kind of early.

I don't like to be
late for a meeting.

You must be
our mysterious investor.

- Well, actually--
- Actually, I am.

And I believe your prison
clinic serves just the kind
of niche market

that has huge growth potential
and should be part of any
diversified portfolio.

And I agree with him.

It's nice to meet you.

I'm Jordan Denby,
Charlie's partner.

Good to meet you,
I'm Goldman Sachs.

Goldman Sachs, like
the investment company?

Now, now, now, nobody's
named Goldman Sachs.

His first name is "Gold"

and his last name
is "Mansachs."

Boston family,
we go way back.

He comes from
a long line of Mansachs.

It's a very
distinguished lineage.

Although I have to say
I'm the first Mansachs
that has hair.

All the other Mansachs
are completely bald.

Okay, we're done
with that now.

Well, now that you've met,
can we move forward?

I just have
one question.

Have you built
any businesses

that would be a model
for developing this one?

No, no, I haven't.

You haven't?

But that's what's
so exciting about this.

I built my fortune
from tobacco, oil, and gambling.

But at the end of the day,
I want what any germophobic,
reclusive billionaire wants:

to make a difference
in the world.

And also have no one
know who I am or touch me.

I totally get it.

Great, looking forward
to working with you.

Okay, who is this clown?

- What are you talking about?
- Germophobes don't shake hands!

What are you
trying to pull?

And "Mansachs"?
Are you high?

That'll be 500 bucks.

For what?
You didn't fool her.

Good point.
I'll bill you.

What the hell
is going on, Charlie?

Okay, okay,
just hear me out.

This project could be
worth millions to us.

And I don't want you
to reject it

because it's being funded
by your ex-husband.

And now I'm gonna
tell you who it is.

It's Darren?

Yes, but he's only
doing this 'cause
he wants to help you.

Well, he can help me
by staying the hell
out of my life!

I do not want to be
in business with
a man who lies

and cheats and has
no scruples whatsoever.

And I'm not so crazy
about Darren either.

Lacey, you came back.

I never heard
from you.

Are you coming
home or not?

No, I'll sleep against
this tree for a week
if I have to.

I do it every year
at Coachella and
I'll do it here.

Look, maybe you're
not getting this,

'cause I know sometimes
you have trouble with stuff.

Remember the time
you were confused by
the menu at Denny's?

How can things be
$2 and $4 and $6?

Because they are
different items.

Now, if you don't
unlock yourself
from this tree,

I am leaving
you forever.

All right, I get it.
You are serious about this.

So I will choose you
over the tree

and the lives of the mama bird
and her three little babies

who will most certainly perish.

Thank you.

Can I have
a moment alone?

Whatever.

Little bird, I'm sorry
I failed you and your family.

I don't want to give up,
but I don't have a choice.

I will be thinking about
you a lot and hopefully
you don't suffer much.

And maybe someday,
we'll live in a world--

Oh, Mother of God, fine.

We can stay
and save the birds.

- Really?
- Yeah.

If you're willing to abandon
your principles for me,

what kind of girlfriend
would I be if I didn't
support your beliefs?

That's great,

because the owner
just called me
two hours ago

to say he's not
cutting down the tree!

Why did you stay?
Why didn't you tell me?

Because I wanted to see
if you'd come back
and support me.

And you did.

So you lied to me.
You manipulated me!

You made me do things
I never would do.

I've always liked you,
but now I respect you.

Hey, Jordan,
it's Charlie.

Listen, I really
wish you'd reconsider
taking Darren's money.

Think of it this way:

you can either
hate your ex-husband

or be rich
and hate your ex-husband.

[ doorbell rings ]

Hold on a second.

Hang on, I'm leaving
you a message.

Anyway, if you
change your mind,

stop by and I'll be
waiting for you.

Hey, you're here!
You changed your mind,
that's great!

I came over to dissolve
our partnership.

This is insane.

You know, a lot of guys
wouldn't have even
cared enough

to bring in an imposter.

I've already signed.

All you have to do is
sign here, here, and here
and we'll be done.

I can't believe
you're dissolving our
partnership over this.

I would've thought
for sure it would've
been over

you constantly singing
show tunes or me having
sex on your desk or...

Sign it, Charlie.

[ doorbell rings ]

- It's Darren.
- He's here?

I don't want to be
anywhere near that jerk.

He's stopping by
to find out

whether we're still
doing this or not.

So, all kidding aside,

are we?

You are signing
this tomorrow.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Come on in, please.

So are we
in business, partner?

I wish.

Jordan found out
that you're the guy
behind the money

- and she dropped out.
- You told her?

No, no, no, the guy
playing you shook her hand.

It's a long story,
but she's out.

Typical Jordan.

Always cutting her nose off
to spite her face.

I'm so sorry, I was really
hoping this could work.

You know what?
It still can.

I love this project,
you and I will do it
without her.

- Really?
- Sure, why not?

I just wanted
to get her some money

so she wouldn't end up living
in a dump the rest of her life.

She actually has
a nice place

if you don't mind
needlepoint horsey pillows

and dry leaves
on top of the toilet.

So what do you say?

I say let's do this.

Jordan is so pathetic.

It got so I couldn't even
stand to look at her face.

So you married
her twin sister?

I'm just sayin',
I always told her

she'd be nothing
without me.

Now she's proven it.

You know she has "Dr."
in front of her name, right?

Big deal. So do
Dolittle and Seuss.

Luckily, she has you.

At least there's some guy
out there taking care of her.

[ scoffs ]
She doesn't need me
to take care of her.

Don't be so humble.

She's just another
overly emotional woman

who can't get
her life together.

You know what?
I'm an overly
emotional man

who's about to give your ass
a spectacular beatdown

if you don't get
the hell out of my house.

What?

You heard me.
Get out.

Fine, I guess you're never
gonna own a Ferrari.

Fine, I don't want
a damn Ferrari.

Ah, I want a Ferrari.

Hey.

What are you
still doing here?

I was eavesdropping
from the kitchen
and heard everything.

Thank you.

You know, I just gave up
millions of dollars.

I know. Doesn't it
feel good because you
did the right thing?

Millions of dollars!

You should be
so proud of yourself.

You stood up
for a friend.

Millions and millions.

Okay, I'm gonna go.
You're clearly dealing
with something.