All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E82.Charlie.Rolls.the.Dice.in.Vegas.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

All right,
let's try this
one more time.

You're supposed to write
down one thing

in your romantic relationships
that makes you angry.

I drew a picture of a blob
smoking a joint.

Look, it's Blob Marley.

That's very clever.

So was Buzzed Lightyear
and Woody,

which was just a picture
of Woody Harrelson.

Can we please
get serious now?

Yeah, Nolan.

Look, it's Ed as a clown
and he's crying.

Okay, okay, okay, no more
mean-spirited pictures.

Ed, what do you got?

Oh, just a couple of stick
men doing something.

It's not you.
I need an eraser.

Okay, all right, look,
forget the boards.

Relationships, anger--
anybody got anything?

I have something.

First, I wrote my name
in graffiti tags.

And second, now that Nolan
and I are a couple--

Whoa, you guys
are a couple?

Ed, did you know
about this?

Yeah, I was the first
one they called.

They said they wanted
everyone they cared
about to know.

Really?

No, they didn't call me
and I don't care.

Anyway, yes,
we're a thing.

But I expected he'd
want to have sex with me
right away and he doesn't.

I told you, Lacey,
I'm a romantic.

I want to date you first
before we start

the sacred dance that is,
you know, slammin'.

That's just
beautiful, Nolan.

This is crazy.
You've wanted me
for years

and now you have me,
so why wait?

Why would anyone wait?

I am a strong eight in LA

and a complete 10
everywhere else.

Lacey, this may sound
ridiculous to you,

but people do date
before they have sex.

Okay, I've literally
never done that.

Charlie,
you're 10 minutes late.

Come on, we should be on
the road to Vegas by now.

Okay, everybody,
our time is up.

I'll be out of town,
but my cell phone
will be on.

Okay, just remember,
people, it's Vegas, okay?

So try not to call
during peak party hours.

Any time between 11:00
and 11:15 in the morning
should be okay.

All right, all I have
to go do is pack.

Oh, no, no, no.
I went upstairs.
I already did it for you.

Okay, that's weird.

I didn't pick out outfits.

I just took a bunch
of your stuff and I threw
it in a trash bag.

Oh, then that's okay.

That's the kind of disrespect
one man can show for another.

Listen, I just want to
get to Vegas and I want to
forget about Jordan, okay?

I want to drink,
I want to go crazy,

I want to hop in bed
with some girl that
I don't know,

maybe see Penn & Teller
'cause they're awesome.

Well, all right, then.
Let's go.

All right.

- Surprise.
- Sasha!

Hey.

I thought you were
coming in next week.

Yeah, I was.
But my family is coming
in a few days,

so I thought
I'd come early

so I could spend some
alone time with you.
Hey, Sean.

Hey, Sasha. Charlie has
terrible news for you,

but he's gonna text
it to you from the car.
I'll grab your luggage.

Is it a bad time?
I knew I should have
called first.

No, no, no. No.
This could be
really great.

Sean, hang on.
Sasha is from Vegas.

She could hook us up.

That's a terrible idea.
We'll see you in a couple
days, okay?

And you might want
to get Charlie some
luggage for Christmas,

'cause this
is embarrassing.

Why don't you come with us?
We'll have a blast.

Ignore what Sean's
about to say.

She can't come with us.
It's supposed to be
a guys' weekend.

See? You never
heard that.

I don't want to intrude.

Are you gonna be okay?

Well, I know what
Charlie wants me to say

and I know what
you want me to say,
but to be honest--

He'll be fine.

[ theme music playing ]

Boy, this has really
been great so far.

We didn't get drunk
on the way out here,

we stopped five times
for Miss Jellybean Bladder,

and I still
haven't gotten laid.

We have only
been here 15 minutes

and the doorman winked
at you suggestively,

so don't complain about
your lack of opportunity.

Trust me, Sean,
it's gonna be fun.

Yeah, it'll be a blast
for you and Charlie.

[ music playing ]

And for me.

- She put all
this together?
- Yup.

If I survive this weekend,
I owe you an apology.

Thank you.

Maybe I'm just emotional
because I'm watching Sean

get swallowed up in a sea
of half-naked strippers,

but, God,
you are the best.

[ laughs ]

Wow.

What happened?

Well, that's weird.

What is?

I got a wedding ring on.

Holy crap, you got
one on, too!

We can't possibly
be married.

Think hard.
What did we do
last night?

I got beat by
an Elvis impersonator
in a go-kart race.

We paid some bouncer
100 bucks to have
his nipples pierced.

I rode a horse in
the medieval knights
show at the Excalibur.

And according
to the state of Nevada,

at 4:45 AM,
we got married
by King Arthur.

Oh, my God!
What are we gonna do?

Well, the first thing
we're going to do is

take a serious look
at how much we've
been drinking.

Okay, got it.
Thank you.

Well, that was
the courthouse.

I guess so many people get
drunk and married in Vegas

that they have
a special package.

For 20 bucks you get
an annulment,

a Bloody Mary,
and a free spin on
a giant slot machine.

Are you sure we're
doing the right thing?

Throwing away five
hours of marriage?

Well, the fact that we
didn't have any kids
in those five hours

makes it a little easier.

- We did try, though,
didn't we?
- Yeah.

Now you're ready to stand
in line for an annulment.

No, no, wait.
Sasha, wait.

I don't think
we belong in a line

full of hungover people
who feel bad about
what they did.

I don't feel bad
about what I did.

So you're not freaked out
that we're married?

No. No. In fact,
I'm so not freaked out

that it's starting
to freak me out.

What are you saying?

I don't know.

I just-- I hate it
when you're not with me

and I love it
when you are.

So maybe you should
move in and we'll give
this thing a shot.

Stay married?

You think we'd do
okay together?

Well, I don't
just think it.

According to
the Excalibur
wedding chapel,

our best man Merlin
foretold it.

- So what do you say?
- I love it. I'm in.

Well, great. Great.

And we're already in
Vegas for our honeymoon.

Perfect.
No, wait.

My mom and brother
are coming to LA tomorrow.

Do you think they could
stay at the house with us?

Wow, in-laws.
That was quick.

I'm fine with it, yeah.

We should probably head
home right away, though.

We have to hide all
the alcohol in the house
before my mom shows up.

Does she have
a drinking problem?

No, only when
there's alcohol around.

This is really nice,
isn't it?

Yeah, having a date
was a great idea.

I've really enjoyed myself.
Now let's get out of here
and go do it.

Wait a minute.
We're supposed to talk
and get to know each other.

- That's what a date is.
- Oh, I already know
everything about you.

Oh, yeah?
What's my biggest fear?

Um, dying alone.

You're way off.
Possums.

And zombie possums
are second.

Zombie possums?

There is nothing scarier
than something that is dead

pretending to be dead
that has come back
from the dead.

Okay, great.
I feel so close
to you now.

Let's celebrate with sex.

Lacey, I'm trying to connect
with you on a deeper level.

I bet you don't even know
what my favorite color is.

Of course I do.

It's the color
of your bedsheets.

Sorry, "Star Wars"
isn't a color.

This is stupid.
It's just sex.

It's not just sex.
I don't want to be another
one of your boyfriends

who only last
a couple days.

I want this
to mean something.

No, you know what?

You got the deluxe
nachos, right?

Hey, look at what
I found in that bag
from the Excalibur.

It's our wedding photo.

Oh, it's beautiful.

We should put it
someplace special.

Look, the back of Merlin's
head has a magnet on it.

It's the start of our
new life together

and it'll hold up
our grocery list.

[ doorbell rings ]

Oh, my God.
They're here.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine.
What exactly did you
tell them about me?

I told them that you were
a brilliant therapist,

a great baseball player,
and a wonderful man.

Okay, good.
Good, let's go with that
and see how long it works.

Mom, Dex, it's so good
to see you guys.

Honey, oh.

Oh, and you
must be Charlie.

Hi.

Well, you're gorgeous.

Welcome to the family.

Oh, put that thing away.

In this family,
we like to hug.

You do more than hug,
don't you?

You smell good, too.

Kind of like a Walmart
when it first opens
in the morning.

Thank you?

Charlie,
this is my brother.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm Dex.
It's like sex
with a big D.

You know your mother
is right there?

Yeah.
She thought of it.

Punch me.

- What?
- I'm a Tae Kwon Do master.

- You're not gonna hurt me.
- I don't want to punch you.

- Just punch me.
- No.

Punch me!

[ gasps ]
I wasn't ready.

Dude, you said "punch me"
like three times.

You were supposed
to aim for my face

and then I was
gonna block it.

You're a street fighter.
That's why you're not
good at this.

You guys.
If you're just gonna
horse around,

I'm gonna go
get the snacks.

You know, Dex and I
were talking

on the drive down
from Victorville.

We've been kind of looking
for a reason to move to LA.

I think we finally
found it.

So is there
a Mr. Sasha's Father?

There was, but he
couldn't handle me.

Funny, 'cause it
seems like anybody
that wanted to could.

Damn it.

- [ knocks ]
- Who is it?

- Lacey.
- Give me a second.

I'm shaking out
my hot dog.

I've never heard a guy
call it that before,

but okay.

If you're just gonna
try to talk me into
having sex with you,

it's not gonna work.

Not so fast, Mr. Nolan
Brandon Johnson.

How'd you know
my middle name?

Oh, I know a lot
of things about you.

Like you read
the Kurt Cobain biography,

you mostly eat
Fluffernutters,

and your favorite
TV show is

"Now That's What I Call
Funk" infomercial.

Hey, you just read
my Facebook profile.

You don't know that.
Maybe I spoke to one
of your 132 friends

who told me that you
"like" weed and pancakes.

No, I'm saying I think
it's really sweet.

- Did you friend me?
- No, people can see that.

So now that I know all
these things about you,

we can do this, right?

Yeah, I guess.
But we got to do
it right.

Let me get some candles,
put on some music.

I hope you like
"Now That's What I Call
Funk Volume Three."

No, four.
Wait, what's the one with
"Big Old Funky Butt" on it?

It's volume three,
but we don't need
all that stuff.

I just want
this to be perfect

'cause you're
the most perfect woman
in the universe.

I've always dreamed
of being with someone
as amazing as you.

- Wait.
- What?

Um, you're right.
We don't know each
other well enough.

- I got to go.
- Don't go.

- [ dings ]
- My wiener just popped up

and I want to share
it with you.

And, yes, I know
how that sounds.

Thank you
for signing this.

Don't worry about coming
into the office tomorrow.

I understand your wife's
family is staying with you.

Yeah, they're great.

Hopefully they'll
be dead by morning
and I can come in.

Oh, Charlie,
I'm sure you're
exaggerating.

No, no, no.
It says right
on the poison

"guaranteed
to work overnight."

Sorry, buddy.

When you marry someone,
you marry their family.

I know,
and that's my problem.

If I tell Sasha
I don't want them around,

then she's never gonna
want to see me again.

Well, then you need
to make it work.

You stood up and made
a commitment to this woman

before God and a guy
in a wizard hat.

The least you could do
is try to find something
you like about them.

I challenge you to try.

Fine.
Introduce me.

Okay.

Hey, Dex, this is
my friend Jordan.

Too old.
Not interested.

I like that.
You're honest.

What are you
working on?

Writing a letter to a kid
in a foster home.

Good for you, man.
Do you do that a lot?

Kind of.
He's my kid.

By the way,

I drew some balls
on your trophies.

Fantastic.
Thank you.

Any further questions?

I'm out.
Good luck with
the poison.

Hello, Charlie.

Oh, good, good.
You found the vodka...

in the garage
behind the leaf blower

in a box labeled mulch.

I'm smarter than
you think I am.

I studied
English literature.

I even got an award
for a short story once.

Oh, that's great.
I would love to read it.

Oh, no, you wouldn't.

It just says
congratulations
and then my name.

No, I mean I'd love
to read the short story.

- Are you serious?
- Well, sure.

If you have a talent,
it's important to share
it with people.

And it might be a good
way for us to get to know
each other better.

I can think
of a better way.

Bud-da-da,
bud-da-da, bud-da-da,
bud-da-da, bud-da-da.

Okay, we need
to have a talk.

Right after I wash
the balls off
my trophies.

[ sighs ]
Dude, thank you
for Vegas.

- Did you just get back?
- Yup.

After your wedding,
I ended up hooking up

with an all-girl
biker gang.
Super hot.

Ended up riding bitch
all the way to Utah.

How's married life?

I would give it
three and a half...

just kill mes.

Her brother is a douchebag
and her mom wants to bang me.

Sounds really stressful.

You know who doesn't have
a lot of stress in his life?

Guy riding bitch.

I don't want to
lose Sasha over this.

I tried to make it work,

but I just want things
to go back to the way they
were before we got married.

Oh, that's easy.
That's easy.

You just got to convince her
that dating is better
than marriage.

- You think
that's possible?
- Totally.

Then you can
invent time travel
and cold fusion.

Thanks, bitch.

[ knocks ]

Coming.

What are you
doing here, Nolan?
It's late.

Well, I knew you were awake
'cause I didn't hear you

snoring through the wall.

I don't snore.

It's just
a relaxation CD I listen
to so I can sleep.

It sounds like a really
hot girl snoring.

Like a truck driver?

What do you want, Nolan?

I'm tired
of playing games.

Not all games,
but this game.

I still like
Parcheesi and Taboo.

Taboo is fun.

It's complicated.

Not from
where I'm standing.
It's a simple story.

Guy wants girl.
Girl wants guy.

Guy wants girl
to get to know guy.

Girl doesn't want
to know guy.

Guy leaves.
Girl looks at Facebook.

- I get it.
- Then tell me
how it ends.

Fine.

Guy tells girl
she's perfect.

Girl freaks out.
Girl can't live up
to those expectations.

Who is this girl
you're talking about?

Me.

I'm not perfect.

You've built me up
so high,

you're gonna be
disappointed.

I'm really messed up.

Yeah, I know that.
You're a train wreck.

But I've seen the best
and the worst of you,

mostly the worst,
and I still like you.

Really?

Now that we understand
each other,

I guess I should
go home.

Wait, Nolan,
why don't you stay here

so you can hear me
snore in person?

Oh, no, I can hear
you through the wall.

Nolan.

Oh!

I get it now.

All right,
we are good.

They're both passed out
in front of the TV.

Should I wake them up
to go to bed?

No, no, no. I turned
the channel to PBS

so they can learn
while they sleep.

You know, this is
gonna be our first time
as husband and wife.

Yes, it will be,
Mrs. Goodson.

Oh, damn it.

- It's happening again.
- What?

Sasha, there's something
that I should have told you,

but I was too embarrassed.

Oh, no.

That's a wig,
isn't it?

This is not a wig.

No, this happened
with my first wife, too.

As soon as I get married,
I can't perform sexually.

You can't?

Wow.

Is what I would have said
if we were still dating.

But now that
we're married,

you just look
like another dude.

I think I can
help you with that.

Would you stop it?!
It's real.

Sorry.
Sorry.

Is this doing
anything for you?

Well, now I'm just
feeling more pressure.

It's like baseball.

Baseball, baseball,
baseball!

Or like Joe Morgan
trying to win

a batting title
for the '75 Reds.

You know,
the Big Red Machine.
Now that--

What are you doing?

Nothing.
Nothing.

I'm trying
to get turned on
by you, but, man,

you start thinking about
those batting averages--
.322, .316, .311.

Charlie, it feels like
you're lying to me.

Why would you say that?

Because my leg is there

and it feelslike
you're lying to me.

Of course
I'm lying to you.

I'm incredibly
turned on by you,

but, sweetie,
it's not you.

It's your family.
They're driving me crazy.

Wait,
what are you saying?

You can't be around them?

Are you making me choose
between you and my family?

No. No.
That sounds awful.

There's got to be another
way to put it.

If you feel that way,

we obviously
can't stay married.

I know. I know.

But I don't want
to lose you.

But we can't go back
to what we had.

You mean the before
we were married,

three days ago?

Yeah.

This is gonna have to be
something different.

When I come into town now,

maybe I'll call you,
maybe I won't.

Maybe I'll have
sex with you,

maybe I won't.

So we'll be exes.

And then we'll have
to settle for that
really great,

hot sex people have
after they get divorced.

- It's that good?
- Oh, yeah.

That's why the divorce
rate is so high.

People want
the good stuff.