Original subtitles

All right, let's try this one more time.

You're supposed to write down one thing

in your romantic relationships that makes you angry.

I drew a picture of a blob smoking a joint.

Look, it's Blob Marley.

That's very clever.

So was Buzzed Lightyear and Woody,

which was just a picture of Woody Harrelson.

Can we please get serious now?

Yeah, Nolan.

Look, it's Ed as a clown and he's crying.

Okay, okay, okay, no more mean-spirited pictures.

Ed, what do you got?

Oh, just a couple of stick men doing something.

It's not you. I need an eraser.

Okay, all right, look, forget the boards.

Relationships, anger-- anybody got anything?

I have something.

First, I wrote my name in graffiti tags.

And second, now that Nolan and I are a couple--

Whoa, you guys are a couple?

Ed, did you know about this?

Yeah, I was the first one they called.

They said they wanted everyone they cared about to know.

Really?

No, they didn't call me and I don't care.

Anyway, yes, we're a thing.

But I expected he'd want to have sex with me right away and he doesn't.

I told you, Lacey, I'm a romantic.

I want to date you first before we start

the sacred dance that is, you know, slammin'.

That's just beautiful, Nolan.

This is crazy. You've wanted me for years

and now you have me, so why wait?

Why would anyone wait?

I am a strong eight in LA

and a complete 10 everywhere else.

Lacey, this may sound ridiculous to you,

but people do date before they have sex.

Okay, I've literally never done that.

Charlie, you're 10 minutes late.

Come on, we should be on the road to Vegas by now.

Okay, everybody, our time is up.

I'll be out of town, but my cell phone will be on.

Okay, just remember, people, it's Vegas, okay?

So try not to call during peak party hours.

Any time between 11:00 and 11:15 in the morning should be okay.

All right, all I have to go do is pack.

Oh, no, no, no. I went upstairs. I already did it for you.

Okay, that's weird.

I didn't pick out outfits.

I just took a bunch of your stuff and I threw it in a trash bag.

Oh, then that's okay.

That's the kind of disrespect one man can show for another.

Listen, I just want to get to Vegas and I want to forget about Jordan, okay?

I want to drink, I want to go crazy,

I want to hop in bed with some girl that I don't know,

maybe see Penn & Teller 'cause they're awesome.

Well, all right, then. Let's go.

All right.

- Surprise. - Sasha!

Hey.

I thought you were coming in next week.

Yeah, I was. But my family is coming in a few days,

so I thought I'd come early

so I could spend some alone time with you. Hey, Sean.

Hey, Sasha. Charlie has terrible news for you,

but he's gonna text it to you from the car. I'll grab your luggage.

Is it a bad time? I knew I should have called first.

No, no, no. No. This could be really great.

Sean, hang on. Sasha is from Vegas.

She could hook us up.

That's a terrible idea. We'll see you in a couple days, okay?

And you might want to get Charlie some luggage for Christmas,

'cause this is embarrassing.

Why don't you come with us? We'll have a blast.

Ignore what Sean's about to say.

She can't come with us. It's supposed to be a guys' weekend.

See? You never heard that.

I don't want to intrude.

Are you gonna be okay?

Well, I know what Charlie wants me to say

and I know what you want me to say, but to be honest--

He'll be fine.

[ theme music playing ]

Boy, this has really been great so far.

We didn't get drunk on the way out here,

we stopped five times for Miss Jellybean Bladder,

and I still haven't gotten laid.

We have only been here 15 minutes

and the doorman winked at you suggestively,

so don't complain about your lack of opportunity.

Trust me, Sean, it's gonna be fun.

Yeah, it'll be a blast for you and Charlie.

[ music playing ]

And for me.

- She put all this together? - Yup.

If I survive this weekend, I owe you an apology.

Thank you.

Maybe I'm just emotional because I'm watching Sean

get swallowed up in a sea of half-naked strippers,

but, God, you are the best.

[ laughs ]

Wow.

What happened?

Well, that's weird.

What is?

I got a wedding ring on.

Holy crap, you got one on, too!

We can't possibly be married.

Think hard. What did we do last night?

I got beat by an Elvis impersonator in a go-kart race.

We paid some bouncer 100 bucks to have his nipples pierced.

I rode a horse in the medieval knights show at the Excalibur.

And according to the state of Nevada,

at 4:45 AM, we got married by King Arthur.

Oh, my God! What are we gonna do?

Well, the first thing we're going to do is

take a serious look at how much we've been drinking.

Okay, got it. Thank you.

Well, that was the courthouse.

I guess so many people get drunk and married in Vegas

that they have a special package.

For 20 bucks you get an annulment,

a Bloody Mary, and a free spin on a giant slot machine.

Are you sure we're doing the right thing?

Throwing away five hours of marriage?

Well, the fact that we didn't have any kids in those five hours

makes it a little easier.

- We did try, though, didn't we? - Yeah.

Now you're ready to stand in line for an annulment.

No, no, wait. Sasha, wait.

I don't think we belong in a line

full of hungover people who feel bad about what they did.

I don't feel bad about what I did.

So you're not freaked out that we're married?

No. No. In fact, I'm so not freaked out

that it's starting to freak me out.

What are you saying?

I don't know.

I just-- I hate it when you're not with me

and I love it when you are.

So maybe you should move in and we'll give this thing a shot.

Stay married?

You think we'd do okay together?

Well, I don't just think it.

According to the Excalibur wedding chapel,

our best man Merlin foretold it.

- So what do you say? - I love it. I'm in.

Well, great. Great.

And we're already in Vegas for our honeymoon.

Perfect. No, wait.

My mom and brother are coming to LA tomorrow.

Do you think they could stay at the house with us?

Wow, in-laws. That was quick.

I'm fine with it, yeah.

We should probably head home right away, though.

We have to hide all the alcohol in the house before my mom shows up.

Does she have a drinking problem?

No, only when there's alcohol around.

This is really nice, isn't it?

Yeah, having a date was a great idea.

I've really enjoyed myself. Now let's get out of here and go do it.

Wait a minute. We're supposed to talk and get to know each other.

- That's what a date is. - Oh, I already know everything about you.

Oh, yeah? What's my biggest fear?

Um, dying alone.

You're way off. Possums.

And zombie possums are second.

Zombie possums?

There is nothing scarier than something that is dead

pretending to be dead that has come back from the dead.

Okay, great. I feel so close to you now.

Let's celebrate with sex.

Lacey, I'm trying to connect with you on a deeper level.

I bet you don't even know what my favorite color is.

Of course I do.

It's the color of your bedsheets.

Sorry, "Star Wars" isn't a color.

This is stupid. It's just sex.

It's not just sex. I don't want to be another one of your boyfriends

who only last a couple days.

I want this to mean something.

No, you know what?

You got the deluxe nachos, right?

Hey, look at what I found in that bag from the Excalibur.

It's our wedding photo.

Oh, it's beautiful.

We should put it someplace special.

Look, the back of Merlin's head has a magnet on it.

It's the start of our new life together

and it'll hold up our grocery list.

[ doorbell rings ]

Oh, my God. They're here.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine. What exactly did you tell them about me?

I told them that you were a brilliant therapist,

a great baseball player, and a wonderful man.

Okay, good. Good, let's go with that and see how long it works.

Mom, Dex, it's so good to see you guys.

Honey, oh.

Oh, and you must be Charlie.

Hi.

Well, you're gorgeous.

Welcome to the family.

Oh, put that thing away.

In this family, we like to hug.

You do more than hug, don't you?

You smell good, too.

Kind of like a Walmart when it first opens in the morning.

Thank you?

Charlie, this is my brother.

- Hey. - Hey.

I'm Dex. It's like sex with a big D.

You know your mother is right there?

Yeah. She thought of it.

Punch me.

- What? - I'm a Tae Kwon Do master.

- You're not gonna hurt me. - I don't want to punch you.

- Just punch me. - No.

Punch me!

[ gasps ] I wasn't ready.

Dude, you said "punch me" like three times.

You were supposed to aim for my face

and then I was gonna block it.

You're a street fighter. That's why you're not good at this.

You guys. If you're just gonna horse around,

I'm gonna go get the snacks.

You know, Dex and I were talking

on the drive down from Victorville.

We've been kind of looking for a reason to move to LA.

I think we finally found it.

So is there a Mr. Sasha's Father?

There was, but he couldn't handle me.

Funny, 'cause it seems like anybody that wanted to could.

Damn it.

- [ knocks ] - Who is it?

- Lacey. - Give me a second.

I'm shaking out my hot dog.

I've never heard a guy call it that before,

but okay.

If you're just gonna try to talk me into having sex with you,

it's not gonna work.

Not so fast, Mr. Nolan Brandon Johnson.

How'd you know my middle name?

Oh, I know a lot of things about you.

Like you read the Kurt Cobain biography,

you mostly eat Fluffernutters,

and your favorite TV show is

"Now That's What I Call Funk" infomercial.

Hey, you just read my Facebook profile.

You don't know that. Maybe I spoke to one of your 132 friends

who told me that you "like" weed and pancakes.

No, I'm saying I think it's really sweet.

- Did you friend me? - No, people can see that.

So now that I know all these things about you,

we can do this, right?

Yeah, I guess. But we got to do it right.

Let me get some candles, put on some music.

I hope you like "Now That's What I Call Funk Volume Three."

No, four. Wait, what's the one with "Big Old Funky Butt" on it?

It's volume three, but we don't need all that stuff.

I just want this to be perfect

'cause you're the most perfect woman in the universe.

I've always dreamed of being with someone as amazing as you.

- Wait. - What?

Um, you're right. We don't know each other well enough.

- I got to go. - Don't go.

- [ dings ] - My wiener just popped up

and I want to share it with you.

And, yes, I know how that sounds.

Thank you for signing this.

Don't worry about coming into the office tomorrow.

I understand your wife's family is staying with you.

Yeah, they're great.

Hopefully they'll be dead by morning and I can come in.

Oh, Charlie, I'm sure you're exaggerating.

No, no, no. It says right on the poison

"guaranteed to work overnight."

Sorry, buddy.

When you marry someone, you marry their family.

I know, and that's my problem.

If I tell Sasha I don't want them around,

then she's never gonna want to see me again.

Well, then you need to make it work.

You stood up and made a commitment to this woman

before God and a guy in a wizard hat.

The least you could do is try to find something you like about them.

I challenge you to try.

Fine. Introduce me.

Okay.

Hey, Dex, this is my friend Jordan.

Too old. Not interested.

I like that. You're honest.

What are you working on?

Writing a letter to a kid in a foster home.

Good for you, man. Do you do that a lot?

Kind of. He's my kid.

By the way,

I drew some balls on your trophies.

Fantastic. Thank you.

Any further questions?

I'm out. Good luck with the poison.

Hello, Charlie.

Oh, good, good. You found the vodka...

in the garage behind the leaf blower

in a box labeled mulch.

I'm smarter than you think I am.

I studied English literature.

I even got an award for a short story once.

Oh, that's great. I would love to read it.

Oh, no, you wouldn't.

It just says congratulations and then my name.

No, I mean I'd love to read the short story.

- Are you serious? - Well, sure.

If you have a talent, it's important to share it with people.

And it might be a good way for us to get to know each other better.

I can think of a better way.

Bud-da-da, bud-da-da, bud-da-da, bud-da-da, bud-da-da.

Okay, we need to have a talk.

Right after I wash the balls off my trophies.

[ sighs ] Dude, thank you for Vegas.

- Did you just get back? - Yup.

After your wedding, I ended up hooking up

with an all-girl biker gang. Super hot.

Ended up riding bitch all the way to Utah.

How's married life?

I would give it three and a half...

just kill mes.

Her brother is a douchebag and her mom wants to bang me.

Sounds really stressful.

You know who doesn't have a lot of stress in his life?

Guy riding bitch.

I don't want to lose Sasha over this.

I tried to make it work,

but I just want things to go back to the way they were before we got married.

Oh, that's easy. That's easy.

You just got to convince her that dating is better than marriage.

- You think that's possible? - Totally.

Then you can invent time travel and cold fusion.

Thanks, bitch.

[ knocks ]

Coming.

What are you doing here, Nolan? It's late.

Well, I knew you were awake 'cause I didn't hear you

snoring through the wall.

I don't snore.

It's just a relaxation CD I listen to so I can sleep.

It sounds like a really hot girl snoring.

Like a truck driver?

What do you want, Nolan?

I'm tired of playing games.

Not all games, but this game.

I still like Parcheesi and Taboo.

Taboo is fun.

It's complicated.

Not from where I'm standing. It's a simple story.

Guy wants girl. Girl wants guy.

Guy wants girl to get to know guy.

Girl doesn't want to know guy.

Guy leaves. Girl looks at Facebook.

- I get it. - Then tell me how it ends.

Fine.

Guy tells girl she's perfect.

Girl freaks out. Girl can't live up to those expectations.

Who is this girl you're talking about?

Me.

I'm not perfect.

You've built me up so high,

you're gonna be disappointed.

I'm really messed up.

Yeah, I know that. You're a train wreck.

But I've seen the best and the worst of you,

mostly the worst, and I still like you.

Really?

Now that we understand each other,

I guess I should go home.

Wait, Nolan, why don't you stay here

so you can hear me snore in person?

Oh, no, I can hear you through the wall.

Nolan.

Oh!

I get it now.

All right, we are good.

They're both passed out in front of the TV.

Should I wake them up to go to bed?

No, no, no. I turned the channel to PBS

so they can learn while they sleep.

You know, this is gonna be our first time as husband and wife.

Yes, it will be, Mrs. Goodson.

Oh, damn it.

- It's happening again. - What?

Sasha, there's something that I should have told you,

but I was too embarrassed.

Oh, no.

That's a wig, isn't it?

This is not a wig.

No, this happened with my first wife, too.

As soon as I get married, I can't perform sexually.

You can't?

Wow.

Is what I would have said if we were still dating.

But now that we're married,

you just look like another dude.

I think I can help you with that.

Would you stop it?! It's real.

Sorry. Sorry.

Is this doing anything for you?

Well, now I'm just feeling more pressure.

It's like baseball.

Baseball, baseball, baseball!

Or like Joe Morgan trying to win

a batting title for the '75 Reds.

You know, the Big Red Machine. Now that--

What are you doing?

Nothing. Nothing.

I'm trying to get turned on by you, but, man,

you start thinking about those batting averages-- .322, .316, .311.

Charlie, it feels like you're lying to me.

Why would you say that?

Because my leg is there

and it feelslike you're lying to me.

Of course I'm lying to you.

I'm incredibly turned on by you,

but, sweetie, it's not you.

It's your family. They're driving me crazy.

Wait, what are you saying?

You can't be around them?

Are you making me choose between you and my family?

No. No. That sounds awful.

There's got to be another way to put it.

If you feel that way,

we obviously can't stay married.

I know. I know.

But I don't want to lose you.

But we can't go back to what we had.

You mean the before we were married,

three days ago?

Yeah.

This is gonna have to be something different.

When I come into town now,

maybe I'll call you, maybe I won't.

Maybe I'll have sex with you,

maybe I won't.

So we'll be exes.

And then we'll have to settle for that really great,

hot sex people have after they get divorced.

- It's that good? - Oh, yeah.

That's why the divorce rate is so high.

People want the good stuff.