All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E81.Charlie.and.the.Terrible.Horrible.No.Good.Very.Bad.Thanksgiving.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

So, tomorrow
is Thanksgiving.

Why don't we all talk about
what we're thankful for?

Who wants to start?

Okay, I'll start.

I'm thankful that I found
a job that I love.

Then, after baseball,
I found this job,

which is okay.

Anybody else?

I'm thankful I'm not
celebrating Thanksgiving

- with my family this year.
- That bad, huh?

Every year we'd start
fighting from the minute
we started dinner

until the food poisoning
kicked in.

The only good thing is
is that it would thin out
the herd...

one old relative
at a time.

Thanksgiving sucks
for me, too.

All the clubs
are closed.

So you'd rather be
at a bar

on Thanksgiving
than with your family?

Because I get it.
I would, too.

Nobody in my family
can stand each other.

And also everyone's
extra depressed

because of, like,
how we Indians were treated.

- Uh, Lacey?
- Yeah?

When you were in
grade school and they
talked about the Pilgrims--

The what?

How about you, Nolan?
How are your Thanksgivings?

Well, we usually go
to Denny's for Thanksgiving.

Well, that's just sad.

Well, at least
y'all have families.

This will be
the second Thanksgiving

since I've separated
from my wife.

I don't know
what the hell I did
to her to deserve this.

Well, I think it's because
when you thought you
won the lottery,

you told her you were
leaving and she could--

uh, where is it,
where is it?

Oh, here it is.

"Rot in hell,
you miserable old...

bat."

Well, I keep
trying to apologize,

but she won't
even see me.

You know what, guys?

Instead of suffering through
another Thanksgiving

with our screwed-up
families,

we all come here
and have a calm and peaceful
one together.

That's a great idea.
Oh, let's make it a potluck.

We can each bring
our favorite dish.

Fine, but Nolan
has to promise
to behave himself.

Last time we celebrated
a holiday together,
he tried to kiss me.

But we were standing
under the mistletoe.

It was Martin
Lawrence King day!

Okay, Lacey,

you really need to start
watching the History Channel.

Or BET.

Or both.

[ theme music playing ]

- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving.

I made maple-glazed
sweet potatoes.

My friend Sarah
described them
as "yumazing."

Well, they look great.

Hey, guys.
I brought yams.

I made the yams.
You were supposed
to bring the corn.

Oh, I thought that
was an expression.

Like "raise the roof."
"Bring the corn!"

It is an expression,
but it actually means
bring the corn.

Well, don't worry,
I brought something
completely different--

sweet potatoes.

Sweet potatoes and yams
are, like, the same thing.

This Thanksgiving
is a yam-tastrophe.

[ doorbell rings ]

Oh, come on,
everybody, relax.

We're gonna have fun.
"Bring the corn!"

Coming!

Hey, I didn't know what
to bring, so I made
sweet potatoes.

Oh, good, good.
I was scared we
might run out.

Is Sean here yet?

No, but everybody
else is except Ed.

I got a big
surprise for him.
Guess who I invited?

Oh, I don't want
to play this game,

so I'm just gonna say
Bill Murray.

Bill Murray?
No, Ed's wife.

I went over there
and I talked to her
for hours

and I convinced her
that Ed's a changed man

and she's agreed to give
him a second chance.

[ scoffs ]
Men don't change.

Hey, hey, Ed has come
a long way.

Just yesterday he said
that he would vote for
a woman as president...

of the PTA,
but it's a start.

[ sighs ]
Sean's cheating on me.

Oh, God, not again.

Jordan, I've told you
a million times,

Sean is not
cheating on you.

No, he's acting weird.

He's usually really good
about returning texts,

but now sometimes
it takes him an hour.

An hour?

That son of a bitch,
I can't believe
we trusted him.

It gets worse.

I decided to follow him,
and this morning

I watched
an attractive woman
let him into her house.

That woman
could've been anybody.

Uh, his mother,

a cousin,
a jewelry designer--

What is this?

A list of cover stories
on your phone?

No.

It's an app
that provides alibis.

Pretty cool
for $6.99, huh?

Look, I know
you're upset,
but please,

please don't confront
Sean tonight.

I promised everyone
this would be a calm
Thanksgiving.

Fine, I'll just sit there
stewing in silence,

hoping he chokes
on a green bean.

Well, that's a waste
of time because nobody
brought green beans.

Which is why I have
to go to the store

and pick up everything
for a Thanksgiving dinner
that is not a yam.

[ doorbell rings ]

Ah, that must be Ed.

Can't wait to tell him
his wife's coming.

Ed.

Ellen, this is Charlie.
Charlie, Ellen.

- Hi.
- I just met her
yesterday.

She's my date.

Your date?

Fantastic.

I brought yams.

Perfect.

I hope it's okay,
but I wrote down

a little blessing
to say before the meal.

Great, great,
'cause I think
praying right now

is a really good idea.

So, is everybody here?

Everybody except
one person

and I don't think
she'll be staying long.

So, where did
you guys meet
and when?

And why
didn't you tell me?

You're supposed
to tell me these things.

It's quite a story.

We met
at the post office.

Wow, that story
had it all--

people,
the post office.

Jordan, why don't
you show Ellen

where we're putting
all the sweet potatoes?

Well, happy holidays.
Whoo.

It's my medicine.

It helps me keep
my feelings inside.

I'm sorry I didn't call
and tell you about Ellen,

but I figured
you wouldn't mind

and I wanted some
company for the holiday.

Ed, yesterday you sat
on this couch right there

and told me how much
you missed your wife.

Yeah, and then I went
to the post office.

I told you that story.

Ed, I invited your wife.

Dorothy's coming here?

Why would you do
a fool thing like that?

Because I thought
it would make you happy.

Well, you should have
said something before
I slept with Ellen.

- You slept with her?
- Yes.

And she doesn't know
I'm married.

And last night,
in the heat of passion,

I might have said
I loved her.

Why the hell
would you say that?

Why does
any man say that?
I wanted to get laid.

Look, Ed, I've got
to go to the store.

And if you want to have
any chance with your wife,

you've got to lose Ellen.

How am I gonna do that?
It's Thanksgiving.

[ sighs ]
I don't know.

There's families having
dinners up and down the block.

She's gotta look
like somebody's aunt.

I just need
10 minutes at 350.

That's too hot
for my sweet potatoes.
I need 20 minutes at 320.

Well, that'll burn
my marshmallows.

All right,
everybody, stop.

There are too many yams
to be reheated.

Somebody's yams are getting
voted off this island.

I'm throwing away
Ellen's yams.

She's off talking to Ed.
Besides, she's a stranger,

and I don't eat
strangers' yams.

Hey, guys.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I brought cranberries.

Oh, thank God.
Something different.

Oh, hey, look.

We should be okay
if we eat this
before 2006.

That's just a scam.
They put that on there

so you have to keep buying
new cranberries.

Yeah, and when a can
swells like this,

that just means
its contents are
bursting with flavor.

Hey, baby.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Yeah, I'm so happy,
I can't believe

I'm not barfing
rainbows all over you.

- That's weird.
- It's like how
happy you get

when you eat
four different kinds
of cereal for breakfast,

but you're
lactose intolerant,
so you throw it all up.

See?
Nolan gets me.

- I do?
- Yeah.

I never realized
how insightful
and sensitive you are.

You should sit
next to me at dinner.

[ laughs ]
Wait, and I will sit...

I've got two sides.
You can sit on
the other one.

What the hell
is she doing?

Flirting.
Well, the tequila's
flirting.

She's just kind of
along for the ride.

But in front of Sean?
She doesn't even
like Nolan.

What do you care?

Because getting
Nolan worked up

and doing
nothing about it
is how I have fun.

I mean, I barely eat.
Why else would I be here?

Thank God you're back.
We've gotta talk.

- Did you get rid of Ellen?
- Shh, shh, shh.
She's in the john.

Ed, your wife's
gonna be here any minute.

Well, I tried
to get rid of her,

- but she
wouldn't take the hint.
- What did you tell her?

Well, I figured if I said
something really offensive,

she'd run out of here
like a Mexican at a job fair.

But I couldn't
think of anything.

Well, then,
let me try.

Oh, hey, Charlie.
You're back.

Hey, look, Ellen.
This is awkward,

and under
normal circumstances,
I'd love to have you,

but I've done
a head count

and it turns out
if you stay...

there aren't gonna
be enough yams.

Oh, gee, Charlie,

can't we make
this work some--

No, no, no,
I totally understand.

You do?
Well, that's great.
Thank you.

I don't have to
eat anything.

I'm just happy
being with good people

who care about
each other.

Oh, Ellen,
that lovely sentiment

is gonna make this next part
so much harder.

Ed's wife is coming.
I invited her,

and when she gets here,
you can't be here.

You have a wife?

Trust me,
I'm as surprised
as you are.

When did this happen?

Well, they're separated,

but they had some wonderful
years together

and now she's willing
to give it another chance.

So I'm just
being thrown out

like yesterday's
trash?

Thank you
for understanding.

I will not
be treated this way,

and I'm not
going anywhere.

- Ellen, don't--
- And when your
wife shows up,

I'm gonna
tell her everything.

Look, Ellen,

I meant everything
I said last night!

I just changed
my mind today.

Ellen:
Go to hell, you bastard!

My husband cheated
on me for years.

Your wife needs
to know the truth.

I've been in
her shoes...

and I think
her bathrobe!

[ doorbell rings ]

It's your wife.
You want to make
a run for it?

Too late.
She's got on
her orthopedic shoes.

She moves like a cheetah
in those things.

- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Well, thank you.

I hear you've got
an old coot

whose bony ass fits
the divot in my couch.

Well, since my ass
is full and lush,

I'm assuming
you mean Ed.

Happy Thanksgiving,
darlin'.

Let's go home.

- Ellen: Is that her?
- No.

Who's that?

Uh, that was, um,
my chiropractor.

She's here to see
my sports announcer.

I mean, cousin.
Don't worry about it.
Just go.

I'm not going anywhere.

Besides, I gotta use
the little girls' room.

I've had a long drive,
and Ed knows

I've got a bladder
like a lima bean.

- [ laughs ]
- Okay, okay, then use
the bathroom upstairs.

The one down here has one
of those Japanese toilets

that does
everything for you.

If you don't
know how to use it,
you could really get hurt.

Ooh.

Ellen, honey,
please come out.

You know,
I've been in there

listening to you
talk to your wife

and I've been wondering
whether I want to be
the kind of person

that ruins your holiday.

- Well, that's very healthy.
- Thank you.

Turns out I am
that kind of person,

you two-timing jackass.

We got a runner.

Oh, if you need it,
it's free.

I'm Dorothy, Ed's wife.

I know. I'm Ellen,
Ed's girlfriend.

[ footsteps approaching ]

You have a girlfriend?

[ chuckles ]
Not anymore, he doesn't.

But he did last night.

Okay, look,
Dorothy, Ellen.

I know you're both
very angry, which is
my area of expertise.

Now, everybody take
a deep breath.

I only have one lung.

Then take a series
of shallow breaths.

You should know

your husband told me
he was single

and we had sex
last night.

Good-bye, Ed.

Don't call or fax me.

That's all
I needed to hear.
I'm leaving.

Wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Dorothy, don't throw
away 50 good years.

This is all my fault.

Ed thought you were
gone forever

and he reached out
to someone else.

He didn't know
that I invited you.

It's true, Dottie.
She means nothing to me

and I'll send her a fax
saying so right now.

Too little, too late.

- Please let me explain.
- No.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, all right.

Just give me one second

and I'll show you something
that'll clear all this up.

Charlie, what the hell
are you doing?

I'm locking
you both in there!

You've spent the last
two years not communicating

with each other
and it's time
to sort it out.

I am a guest
in your home!

And that's why
I'll stop by periodically

and check on
you and slide yams
under the door.

Oh.

All right, everyone,
I have taken the liberty

of making
seat assignments.

I put a lot
of thought into this,

so I don't want anyone
questioning my decisions.

Why do you get to sit
at the head of the table?

Lacey, that's a question,
which is why you will now

be seated with your back
to the room.

Oh, good.

You put Nolan
next to me.

It's just so nice
to sit next to a man

who's cute and decent.

I'm sorry, what's that
supposed to mean?

Yeah, and if
you call Nolan cute
or a man one more time,

you're gonna be
picking corn bread
out of your extensions.

Don't worry, Nolan.

Everything else on me
is completely real.

Okay, all right,
you know what?

- You and I need to talk.
- I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, guys,
I just locked a couple
of old people upstairs,

so you might hear
some yelling and crashing

and hillbilly slang
we don't understand,

but outside of that,
we're gonna have
a great Thanksgiving.

I don't think that's
an option anymore because
Jordan has gone crazy.

- I've gone crazy?
- Yeah.

I caught you cheating
this morning.

Don't deny it.
I followed you.

And the only reason
I didn't say anything

is because Charlie told me
not to bring it up.

Wait a second, you knew
that she thought
I was cheating

and you didn't
say anything to me?

Oh, hey.

Who made
these place cards?

I just love them.

And by the way,
I'm sitting at the head
of the table.

So if you're not cheating,
then who's the whore I saw
you with this morning?

- She's a therapist.
- I'm a therapist.

How many do you
need to sleep with?

What do you have,
some kind of fetish?

I am not sleeping with her.
She's mytherapist.

Okay? I'm trying
to work through my fear
of commitment

because I think
I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.

[ halfhearted ]
Yay.

You want to marry me?

Yes.

I don't see a ring.

Shut up.

No.
I've got to go.

Well, the good news
is we're not with
our families.

[ exhaling ]

Hey, what are you doing?

I want to go home.
I'm using my Breathalyzer

to see if I'm too drunk
to drive.

You don't need
a Breathalyzer.
You could just ask,

for example, anyone
who's seen you today.

Can I look at that?

[ exhales ]

Huh, .04 and I haven't had
a drink since Sunday.

Will you drive me home?
I don't want to talk to Sean.

It's okay.
I asked him not
to come out here.

Wow, for a little woman,
you eat a lot of junk.

I-- I feel terrible.

I don't know why
this is happening.

Sean and I
are so good together.

Well, sure, you are.
You're following him
all over town

trying to catch him
cheating.

It's like a fairy tale.

Look, Sean
is not cheating on you.

I know.

I just can't trust him.

I can't seem
to trust any guy.

Maybe this has
something to do with
your first marriage.

Why, because
my ex-husband cheated
on me with my sister?

I dealt with that
a long time ago...

[ crying ]
and I am so over it.

Well, that much is clear.

Maybe since this
is your first serious
relationship since that,

you've got a little
more work to do.

Do you think so?

Okay, this may be whatever
I drank on Sunday talking,

but, yes.

I don't think I can
be with Sean anymore

until I figure this out.

Well, that's--
that's very mature.

Are you
listening to audiobooks
of "Twilight" on CD?

Don't judge me.
Somebody wants
to marry this.

- Don't you ever
do that again.
- What'd I do?

Jordan was
flirting with you,
that's what you did.

I'm sorry.

No, wait a minute.
No, I'm not.

Anyone can flirt with me,

even if they're drunk
and have hair extensions.

I don't belong to you.

Oh, really?

Thanksgiving can kiss
my full and lush ass.

Nolan, you realize
Lacey's just overreacting

because she felt
threatened by Jordan.

I don't care.

Okay, well,
I'm your therapist.

It's my job
to make you aware.

Thanks.

Hey, Patrick,
you seen Sean?

Oh, he went home.

Well, I guess
this Thanksgiving

didn't turn out
the way we all wanted.

Yeah, look at me

eating poorly
seasoned turkey alone

at a pool table
at my therapist's house

while drinking warm
Two Buck Chuck.

Yeah, sorry, man.

Actually, as far
as Thanksgivings go,

this one's
in my top three.

- [ knocks ]
- Ed?

Everybody's gone.

It's been a couple hours.

How you guys
doing in there?

Ed?

Hey, Charlie.

Thanks for locking us
in your bedroom.

We worked everything
out... twice.

Well, congratulations.

Way to "bring the corn."