Original subtitles

So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

Why don't we all talk about what we're thankful for?

Who wants to start?

Okay, I'll start.

I'm thankful that I found a job that I love.

Then, after baseball, I found this job,

which is okay.

Anybody else?

I'm thankful I'm not celebrating Thanksgiving

- with my family this year. - That bad, huh?

Every year we'd start fighting from the minute we started dinner

until the food poisoning kicked in.

The only good thing is is that it would thin out the herd...

one old relative at a time.

Thanksgiving sucks for me, too.

All the clubs are closed.

So you'd rather be at a bar

on Thanksgiving than with your family?

Because I get it. I would, too.

Nobody in my family can stand each other.

And also everyone's extra depressed

because of, like, how we Indians were treated.

- Uh, Lacey? - Yeah?

When you were in grade school and they talked about the Pilgrims--

The what?

How about you, Nolan? How are your Thanksgivings?

Well, we usually go to Denny's for Thanksgiving.

Well, that's just sad.

Well, at least y'all have families.

This will be the second Thanksgiving

since I've separated from my wife.

I don't know what the hell I did to her to deserve this.

Well, I think it's because when you thought you won the lottery,

you told her you were leaving and she could--

uh, where is it, where is it?

Oh, here it is.

"Rot in hell, you miserable old...

bat."

Well, I keep trying to apologize,

but she won't even see me.

You know what, guys?

Instead of suffering through another Thanksgiving

with our screwed-up families,

we all come here and have a calm and peaceful one together.

That's a great idea. Oh, let's make it a potluck.

We can each bring our favorite dish.

Fine, but Nolan has to promise to behave himself.

Last time we celebrated a holiday together, he tried to kiss me.

But we were standing under the mistletoe.

It was Martin Lawrence King day!

Okay, Lacey,

you really need to start watching the History Channel.

Or BET.

Or both.

[ theme music playing ]

- Happy Thanksgiving. - Happy Thanksgiving.

I made maple-glazed sweet potatoes.

My friend Sarah described them as "yumazing."

Well, they look great.

Hey, guys. I brought yams.

I made the yams. You were supposed to bring the corn.

Oh, I thought that was an expression.

Like "raise the roof." "Bring the corn!"

It is an expression, but it actually means bring the corn.

Well, don't worry, I brought something completely different--

sweet potatoes.

Sweet potatoes and yams are, like, the same thing.

This Thanksgiving is a yam-tastrophe.

[ doorbell rings ]

Oh, come on, everybody, relax.

We're gonna have fun. "Bring the corn!"

Coming!

Hey, I didn't know what to bring, so I made sweet potatoes.

Oh, good, good. I was scared we might run out.

Is Sean here yet?

No, but everybody else is except Ed.

I got a big surprise for him. Guess who I invited?

Oh, I don't want to play this game,

so I'm just gonna say Bill Murray.

Bill Murray? No, Ed's wife.

I went over there and I talked to her for hours

and I convinced her that Ed's a changed man

and she's agreed to give him a second chance.

[ scoffs ] Men don't change.

Hey, hey, Ed has come a long way.

Just yesterday he said that he would vote for a woman as president...

of the PTA, but it's a start.

[ sighs ] Sean's cheating on me.

Oh, God, not again.

Jordan, I've told you a million times,

Sean is not cheating on you.

No, he's acting weird.

He's usually really good about returning texts,

but now sometimes it takes him an hour.

An hour?

That son of a bitch, I can't believe we trusted him.

It gets worse.

I decided to follow him, and this morning

I watched an attractive woman let him into her house.

That woman could've been anybody.

Uh, his mother,

a cousin, a jewelry designer--

What is this?

A list of cover stories on your phone?

No.

It's an app that provides alibis.

Pretty cool for $6.99, huh?

Look, I know you're upset, but please,

please don't confront Sean tonight.

I promised everyone this would be a calm Thanksgiving.

Fine, I'll just sit there stewing in silence,

hoping he chokes on a green bean.

Well, that's a waste of time because nobody brought green beans.

Which is why I have to go to the store

and pick up everything for a Thanksgiving dinner that is not a yam.

[ doorbell rings ]

Ah, that must be Ed.

Can't wait to tell him his wife's coming.

Ed.

Ellen, this is Charlie. Charlie, Ellen.

- Hi. - I just met her yesterday.

She's my date.

Your date?

Fantastic.

I brought yams.

Perfect.

I hope it's okay, but I wrote down

a little blessing to say before the meal.

Great, great, 'cause I think praying right now

is a really good idea.

So, is everybody here?

Everybody except one person

and I don't think she'll be staying long.

So, where did you guys meet and when?

And why didn't you tell me?

You're supposed to tell me these things.

It's quite a story.

We met at the post office.

Wow, that story had it all--

people, the post office.

Jordan, why don't you show Ellen

where we're putting all the sweet potatoes?

Well, happy holidays. Whoo.

It's my medicine.

It helps me keep my feelings inside.

I'm sorry I didn't call and tell you about Ellen,

but I figured you wouldn't mind

and I wanted some company for the holiday.

Ed, yesterday you sat on this couch right there

and told me how much you missed your wife.

Yeah, and then I went to the post office.

I told you that story.

Ed, I invited your wife.

Dorothy's coming here?

Why would you do a fool thing like that?

Because I thought it would make you happy.

Well, you should have said something before I slept with Ellen.

- You slept with her? - Yes.

And she doesn't know I'm married.

And last night, in the heat of passion,

I might have said I loved her.

Why the hell would you say that?

Why does any man say that? I wanted to get laid.

Look, Ed, I've got to go to the store.

And if you want to have any chance with your wife,

you've got to lose Ellen.

How am I gonna do that? It's Thanksgiving.

[ sighs ] I don't know.

There's families having dinners up and down the block.

She's gotta look like somebody's aunt.

I just need 10 minutes at 350.

That's too hot for my sweet potatoes. I need 20 minutes at 320.

Well, that'll burn my marshmallows.

All right, everybody, stop.

There are too many yams to be reheated.

Somebody's yams are getting voted off this island.

I'm throwing away Ellen's yams.

She's off talking to Ed. Besides, she's a stranger,

and I don't eat strangers' yams.

Hey, guys. Happy Thanksgiving. I brought cranberries.

Oh, thank God. Something different.

Oh, hey, look.

We should be okay if we eat this before 2006.

That's just a scam. They put that on there

so you have to keep buying new cranberries.

Yeah, and when a can swells like this,

that just means its contents are bursting with flavor.

Hey, baby. Happy Thanksgiving.

Yeah, I'm so happy, I can't believe

I'm not barfing rainbows all over you.

- That's weird. - It's like how happy you get

when you eat four different kinds of cereal for breakfast,

but you're lactose intolerant, so you throw it all up.

See? Nolan gets me.

- I do? - Yeah.

I never realized how insightful and sensitive you are.

You should sit next to me at dinner.

[ laughs ] Wait, and I will sit...

I've got two sides. You can sit on the other one.

What the hell is she doing?

Flirting. Well, the tequila's flirting.

She's just kind of along for the ride.

But in front of Sean? She doesn't even like Nolan.

What do you care?

Because getting Nolan worked up

and doing nothing about it is how I have fun.

I mean, I barely eat. Why else would I be here?

Thank God you're back. We've gotta talk.

- Did you get rid of Ellen? - Shh, shh, shh. She's in the john.

Ed, your wife's gonna be here any minute.

Well, I tried to get rid of her,

- but she wouldn't take the hint. - What did you tell her?

Well, I figured if I said something really offensive,

she'd run out of here like a Mexican at a job fair.

But I couldn't think of anything.

Well, then, let me try.

Oh, hey, Charlie. You're back.

Hey, look, Ellen. This is awkward,

and under normal circumstances, I'd love to have you,

but I've done a head count

and it turns out if you stay...

there aren't gonna be enough yams.

Oh, gee, Charlie,

can't we make this work some--

No, no, no, I totally understand.

You do? Well, that's great. Thank you.

I don't have to eat anything.

I'm just happy being with good people

who care about each other.

Oh, Ellen, that lovely sentiment

is gonna make this next part so much harder.

Ed's wife is coming. I invited her,

and when she gets here, you can't be here.

You have a wife?

Trust me, I'm as surprised as you are.

When did this happen?

Well, they're separated,

but they had some wonderful years together

and now she's willing to give it another chance.

So I'm just being thrown out

like yesterday's trash?

Thank you for understanding.

I will not be treated this way,

and I'm not going anywhere.

- Ellen, don't-- - And when your wife shows up,

I'm gonna tell her everything.

Look, Ellen,

I meant everything I said last night!

I just changed my mind today.

Ellen: Go to hell, you bastard!

My husband cheated on me for years.

Your wife needs to know the truth.

I've been in her shoes...

and I think her bathrobe!

[ doorbell rings ]

It's your wife. You want to make a run for it?

Too late. She's got on her orthopedic shoes.

She moves like a cheetah in those things.

- Happy Thanksgiving. - Well, thank you.

I hear you've got an old coot

whose bony ass fits the divot in my couch.

Well, since my ass is full and lush,

I'm assuming you mean Ed.

Happy Thanksgiving, darlin'.

Let's go home.

- Ellen: Is that her? - No.

Who's that?

Uh, that was, um, my chiropractor.

She's here to see my sports announcer.

I mean, cousin. Don't worry about it. Just go.

I'm not going anywhere.

Besides, I gotta use the little girls' room.

I've had a long drive, and Ed knows

I've got a bladder like a lima bean.

- [ laughs ] - Okay, okay, then use the bathroom upstairs.

The one down here has one of those Japanese toilets

that does everything for you.

If you don't know how to use it, you could really get hurt.

Ooh.

Ellen, honey, please come out.

You know, I've been in there

listening to you talk to your wife

and I've been wondering whether I want to be the kind of person

that ruins your holiday.

- Well, that's very healthy. - Thank you.

Turns out I am that kind of person,

you two-timing jackass.

We got a runner.

Oh, if you need it, it's free.

I'm Dorothy, Ed's wife.

I know. I'm Ellen, Ed's girlfriend.

[ footsteps approaching ]

You have a girlfriend?

[ chuckles ] Not anymore, he doesn't.

But he did last night.

Okay, look, Dorothy, Ellen.

I know you're both very angry, which is my area of expertise.

Now, everybody take a deep breath.

I only have one lung.

Then take a series of shallow breaths.

You should know

your husband told me he was single

and we had sex last night.

Good-bye, Ed.

Don't call or fax me.

That's all I needed to hear. I'm leaving.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Dorothy, don't throw away 50 good years.

This is all my fault.

Ed thought you were gone forever

and he reached out to someone else.

He didn't know that I invited you.

It's true, Dottie. She means nothing to me

and I'll send her a fax saying so right now.

Too little, too late.

- Please let me explain. - No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, all right.

Just give me one second

and I'll show you something that'll clear all this up.

Charlie, what the hell are you doing?

I'm locking you both in there!

You've spent the last two years not communicating

with each other and it's time to sort it out.

I am a guest in your home!

And that's why I'll stop by periodically

and check on you and slide yams under the door.

Oh.

All right, everyone, I have taken the liberty

of making seat assignments.

I put a lot of thought into this,

so I don't want anyone questioning my decisions.

Why do you get to sit at the head of the table?

Lacey, that's a question, which is why you will now

be seated with your back to the room.

Oh, good.

You put Nolan next to me.

It's just so nice to sit next to a man

who's cute and decent.

I'm sorry, what's that supposed to mean?

Yeah, and if you call Nolan cute or a man one more time,

you're gonna be picking corn bread out of your extensions.

Don't worry, Nolan.

Everything else on me is completely real.

Okay, all right, you know what?

- You and I need to talk. - I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, guys, I just locked a couple of old people upstairs,

so you might hear some yelling and crashing

and hillbilly slang we don't understand,

but outside of that, we're gonna have a great Thanksgiving.

I don't think that's an option anymore because Jordan has gone crazy.

- I've gone crazy? - Yeah.

I caught you cheating this morning.

Don't deny it. I followed you.

And the only reason I didn't say anything

is because Charlie told me not to bring it up.

Wait a second, you knew that she thought I was cheating

and you didn't say anything to me?

Oh, hey.

Who made these place cards?

I just love them.

And by the way, I'm sitting at the head of the table.

So if you're not cheating, then who's the whore I saw you with this morning?

- She's a therapist. - I'm a therapist.

How many do you need to sleep with?

What do you have, some kind of fetish?

I am not sleeping with her. She's mytherapist.

Okay? I'm trying to work through my fear of commitment

because I think I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

[ halfhearted ] Yay.

You want to marry me?

Yes.

I don't see a ring.

Shut up.

No. I've got to go.

Well, the good news is we're not with our families.

[ exhaling ]

Hey, what are you doing?

I want to go home. I'm using my Breathalyzer

to see if I'm too drunk to drive.

You don't need a Breathalyzer. You could just ask,

for example, anyone who's seen you today.

Can I look at that?

[ exhales ]

Huh, .04 and I haven't had a drink since Sunday.

Will you drive me home? I don't want to talk to Sean.

It's okay. I asked him not to come out here.

Wow, for a little woman, you eat a lot of junk.

I-- I feel terrible.

I don't know why this is happening.

Sean and I are so good together.

Well, sure, you are. You're following him all over town

trying to catch him cheating.

It's like a fairy tale.

Look, Sean is not cheating on you.

I know.

I just can't trust him.

I can't seem to trust any guy.

Maybe this has something to do with your first marriage.

Why, because my ex-husband cheated on me with my sister?

I dealt with that a long time ago...

[ crying ] and I am so over it.

Well, that much is clear.

Maybe since this is your first serious relationship since that,

you've got a little more work to do.

Do you think so?

Okay, this may be whatever I drank on Sunday talking,

but, yes.

I don't think I can be with Sean anymore

until I figure this out.

Well, that's-- that's very mature.

Are you listening to audiobooks of "Twilight" on CD?

Don't judge me. Somebody wants to marry this.

- Don't you ever do that again. - What'd I do?

Jordan was flirting with you, that's what you did.

I'm sorry.

No, wait a minute. No, I'm not.

Anyone can flirt with me,

even if they're drunk and have hair extensions.

I don't belong to you.

Oh, really?

Thanksgiving can kiss my full and lush ass.

Nolan, you realize Lacey's just overreacting

because she felt threatened by Jordan.

I don't care.

Okay, well, I'm your therapist.

It's my job to make you aware.

Thanks.

Hey, Patrick, you seen Sean?

Oh, he went home.

Well, I guess this Thanksgiving

didn't turn out the way we all wanted.

Yeah, look at me

eating poorly seasoned turkey alone

at a pool table at my therapist's house

while drinking warm Two Buck Chuck.

Yeah, sorry, man.

Actually, as far as Thanksgivings go,

this one's in my top three.

- [ knocks ] - Ed?

Everybody's gone.

It's been a couple hours.

How you guys doing in there?

Ed?

Hey, Charlie.

Thanks for locking us in your bedroom.

We worked everything out... twice.

Well, congratulations.

Way to "bring the corn."