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1
00:00:01,175 --> 00:00:03,525
So yesterday,
I was giving a eulogy
2
00:00:03,568 --> 00:00:06,484
for the first gal
I ever slept with.
3
00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:08,269
Sorry, Ed.
4
00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:11,185
Was this a close cousin?
5
00:00:11,228 --> 00:00:14,492
Hey, hey, Ed just lost someone
that he cared about
6
00:00:14,536 --> 00:00:16,799
and he's going through
a tough time right now.
7
00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:18,105
Tell us how
you're feeling, Ed.
8
00:00:18,148 --> 00:00:20,020
Sad...
9
00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:22,152
that people knew
I slept with her.
10
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:24,894
It was an open casket
11
00:00:24,937 --> 00:00:27,723
and she looked like hell.
12
00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:30,247
But I made sure
during the eulogy
13
00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:32,075
that people knew
that when I slept with her,
14
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:35,165
she was
a fine-looking woman.
15
00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:38,951
I'm sure that was a great
comfort to her family.
16
00:00:38,995 --> 00:00:41,084
Anybody got anything else
they want to talk about?
17
00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:44,348
Yeah, if you know anybody
who might want to rent a limo,
18
00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:46,437
here,
19
00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,439
I got new business cards.
20
00:00:52,313 --> 00:00:56,926
"Nolan Johnson,
limo driver ordinaire."
21
00:00:56,969 --> 00:01:00,060
Yeah, it's French
for ordinary.
22
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,800
That's a great picture
of you, Nolan.
23
00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:04,586
- Thanks.
- It's Matthew McConaughey.
24
00:01:04,629 --> 00:01:07,154
Why do you have him
on your business card?
25
00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:08,807
Because it says
award-winning service
26
00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:10,635
and I don't have an Oscar.
27
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:13,029
All right, all right,
all right.
28
00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:16,685
You know, you should give
one of these to Sean.
29
00:01:16,728 --> 00:01:17,947
He gives kickbacks
to limo drivers
30
00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:19,601
who bring guys
to his strip club.
31
00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:22,169
Cool. This handing out
cards thing
32
00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:24,432
is already way better
than my old business plan.
33
00:01:24,475 --> 00:01:27,913
You mean sitting home alone
doing absolutely nothing?
34
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:30,133
Yeah. I even tried
sleeping till noon.
35
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:31,526
Nada.
36
00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:35,095
I have something, too.
37
00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:36,487
I'd like to apologize
to everyone
38
00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:38,707
for wearing the same outfit
I wore three months ago.
39
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:42,058
Well, thank you
for finally saying what
none of us were thinking.
40
00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:46,845
- Still having money problems?
- Yeah, I'm totally broke.
41
00:01:46,889 --> 00:01:50,371
I barely have any food
to eat and my electricity
just got cut off.
42
00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:52,634
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize
it had gotten that bad.
43
00:01:52,677 --> 00:01:54,810
No, it's great.
The worse my situation gets,
44
00:01:54,853 --> 00:01:57,334
the sooner my dad's
gonna break and give me
back my big allowance.
45
00:01:57,378 --> 00:02:00,337
Quit depending on your daddy
for money already
46
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:03,166
and marry some dot-com
billionaire.
47
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:04,907
I am proud of you, Ed.
I thought for sure
48
00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:06,778
you were going to say
"dot-head billionaire."
49
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:10,652
I didn't say that?
Damn it.
50
00:02:10,695 --> 00:02:13,524
Lacey, you shouldn't have
to depend on anybody.
51
00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:16,092
You should start taking
responsibility for
your own life.
52
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:19,487
I am.
I'm the one taking selfies
to make my dad feel guilty.
53
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:20,792
If somebody else
was taking them,
54
00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,664
they'd be called
somebody-elsies.
55
00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:25,014
Oh, wait.
Somebody-elsies.
56
00:02:25,057 --> 00:02:27,582
I think I just
invented something.
57
00:02:27,625 --> 00:02:30,628
Yes, it's called
taking pictures.
58
00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:34,763
All right, Lacey.
We're gonna talk about this
some more next week.
59
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:36,765
Fine, by then
I'll be in a better mood
60
00:02:36,808 --> 00:02:39,246
'cause I'll have
all that money from my dad.
61
00:02:39,289 --> 00:02:41,639
Okay. I'm gonna go
into the kitchen now
62
00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:44,512
and scream into a dishrag.
63
00:02:44,555 --> 00:02:46,731
See you all next week.
64
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:51,910
Oh, hey.
65
00:02:51,954 --> 00:02:54,086
Hey, um, can you
initial those papers
on the counter?
66
00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:56,001
It's just a routine
department head sign-off.
67
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:58,090
Those prisoners
have already been approved
for early release.
68
00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:00,876
Wait a minute.
This savage?
69
00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:03,574
This murderer?
This psychopath?
70
00:03:04,706 --> 00:03:06,534
There you go.
71
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,493
Can I get your
opinion on something?
72
00:03:09,537 --> 00:03:11,060
Sure.
73
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:12,931
What if I get
Lacey's father
74
00:03:12,975 --> 00:03:14,846
to tell her
that he's broke?
75
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,848
That way she finally
has to get serious about
finding a career.
76
00:03:16,892 --> 00:03:18,676
That's a horrible idea.
77
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,548
Lying to your patients
never leads to anything good.
78
00:03:20,591 --> 00:03:22,463
Great.
I'm gonna do it.
79
00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,987
What?
Then why'd you ask me?
80
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:28,208
Sometimes you just have
to hear stuff out loud.
81
00:03:28,251 --> 00:03:30,949
When you're not here,
I talk to that fridge.
82
00:03:30,993 --> 00:03:33,256
It likes all my ideas,
gives me ice,
83
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,519
and it keeps stuff cold.
84
00:03:35,563 --> 00:03:37,434
Hey, that's cold, too.
85
00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:39,349
[ theme music playing ]
86
00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:44,224
Can I offer you some tea?
87
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,748
Why? Because I'm Indian
and all Indians drink tea?
88
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:48,140
Maybe I want a beer.
89
00:03:48,184 --> 00:03:50,665
I'm sorry.
I'll get you a beer.
90
00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:53,320
No, I do want
to have a tea.
91
00:03:54,843 --> 00:03:56,932
But I can't ask
for it now.
92
00:03:56,975 --> 00:04:00,370
I've trapped
myself in my own
ethnic defensiveness.
93
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:02,807
I'll have a Coke.
94
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,119
So will you do it, Sanjay?
95
00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:12,121
Telling Lacey that you've
lost the family fortune
96
00:04:12,164 --> 00:04:13,731
is the best thing
for her.
97
00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:15,864
I just need a couple of months
to get her on her feet.
98
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:18,562
Hasn't she suffered enough?
I got a picture of her
99
00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:20,738
sharing a sandwich
with a homeless man.
100
00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:24,089
She looked so sad,
she could barely make
a kissy-face selfie.
101
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:26,744
Man, she's playing you
102
00:04:26,788 --> 00:04:29,530
like one of those
big Indian guitar things.
103
00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:32,315
- A sitar?
- No, I don't think so.
104
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:34,317
- A big Indian guitar?
- Yeah.
105
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:37,364
- That's a sitar.
- Okay, we'll look
it up later.
106
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:41,063
Anyway, that's how
she's playing you.
107
00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:42,978
[ doorbell rings ]
108
00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:45,633
All right,
I'll do it.
109
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,374
Thank you.
110
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,332
And just for that,
I'll take your word
111
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:50,638
and we'll say
it's a sitar.
112
00:04:58,036 --> 00:04:59,560
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
113
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,344
I just got into a fight
with a homeless guy
114
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:03,477
who was trying
to keep the sandwich
I was only using
115
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,566
to take a picture
that I was gonna send
to my-- Dad.
116
00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:09,352
Hello, Lacey.
117
00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:11,528
What are you doing here?
118
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:14,444
Uh, that's why
I called you, Lacey.
119
00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:15,880
Your father has
something to tell you
120
00:05:15,924 --> 00:05:17,317
and he wanted
your therapist here
for support.
121
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,929
It's not good news.
122
00:05:20,972 --> 00:05:22,670
What do you--
what do you mean,
not good news?
123
00:05:22,713 --> 00:05:26,848
What's not good news?
What does that mean?
What do you mean?
124
00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:28,719
Take it away, Sanjay.
125
00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:31,983
Your mother and I
have made some bad
investments
126
00:05:32,027 --> 00:05:35,378
and now we only have
enough money for her
and myself to live on.
127
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:38,120
The family fortune
is gone.
128
00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,904
What do you mean, gone?
129
00:05:39,948 --> 00:05:43,821
Like there's
only $20 million
left or something?
130
00:05:43,865 --> 00:05:45,867
Lacey, I think
what your father
is trying to tell you
131
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,825
is that
you're on your own.
132
00:05:47,869 --> 00:05:51,176
Wait.
Daddy, what the hell
did you invest in?
133
00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:54,049
Tell her, Sanjay.
134
00:05:54,092 --> 00:05:57,095
It seems we made some
ill-advised investments
135
00:05:57,139 --> 00:06:00,403
in an extensive line
of cricket-themed
sports bars.
136
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:04,276
Turns out Americans
don't even know
what cricket is.
137
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,801
People assumed
they were just...
138
00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:10,326
bars riddled
with insects.
139
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,894
So what
you're saying is...
140
00:06:12,937 --> 00:06:14,896
[ laughing ]
141
00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:17,507
I'm-- I'm poor.
142
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:19,901
I'm so poor.
143
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:23,687
Charlie,
I'm a bit concerned.
144
00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:25,689
Don't be. Don't be.
We see this all the time.
145
00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,604
I want to die!
146
00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:33,044
[ sobbing ]
147
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,481
She's doing great.
148
00:06:36,657 --> 00:06:38,833
Frankly, I'd be worried
if we weren't seeing this.
149
00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:47,189
So you went and told Lacey
her father was broke?
150
00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:49,060
And how long
was she hysterical?
151
00:06:49,104 --> 00:06:51,193
About an hour.
152
00:06:51,236 --> 00:06:53,891
Then she made this
high-pitched squeal like...
153
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:56,067
have you ever stepped
on a Chihuahua
154
00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:57,721
and then taken
all its money?
155
00:06:57,765 --> 00:06:59,680
Huh.
156
00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:02,639
So you lie to your patients
and you step on dogs.
157
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,728
You're a terrible person.
158
00:07:04,772 --> 00:07:07,252
But it worked.
After she finally
calmed down,
159
00:07:07,296 --> 00:07:09,951
she agreed to come over
today and let me help her
find a career path.
160
00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:12,562
- She did?
- So I think somebody
owes somebody
161
00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:15,478
an "I'm sorry, Charlie."
162
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:18,612
You would be
the first somebody,
I would be the Charlie.
163
00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:20,527
Hey, everybody.
164
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:23,486
Oh, hey. Great news.
I found some great job
opportunities online for you.
165
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:26,141
Oh, thanks,
but I don't need
a career anymore.
166
00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:29,144
I have my money
problem solved.
Sweetheart?
167
00:07:29,187 --> 00:07:31,581
Coming!
168
00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:35,193
Everybody,
this is my fiancé Dudley.
169
00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:38,675
- Your fiancé?
- And you must be Charlie.
170
00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:44,376
And you must be his
devil-may-care assistant
171
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:47,597
in search of a sexual
awakening.
172
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:51,471
Dudley proposed to me
last night on his boat.
173
00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:54,299
Well, technically
it's not a boat.
174
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:57,520
It's a 200-foot yacht.
175
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:59,522
But the only boat
176
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:02,046
this one needs
to know about
177
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:04,396
is a motorboat.
178
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,050
[ playful growling ]
Brr-rr-brr-rr!
179
00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:08,183
[ laughing ]
180
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:09,532
He seems nice.
181
00:08:12,274 --> 00:08:13,797
All right,
here's the deal.
182
00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:15,582
Now, when you're picking up
guys from the airport
183
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:17,845
or hotels, you just
talk up the club.
184
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:20,151
For every guy
that you bring in here,
you get 20 bucks.
185
00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:22,676
I don't know.
Usually when people want
to go to a strip club,
186
00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:24,895
I send them
to Girls Girls Girls.
187
00:08:24,939 --> 00:08:27,332
Yeah, but see,
we're so much more
than girls.
188
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:30,466
We have food here also.
We have these incredible
boneless wings.
189
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,468
Usually when people
want wings,
190
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,470
I send them
to Wings Wings Wings.
191
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,212
Okay, well, where do they
go for wings and girls?
192
00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:40,868
That place on Oxnard.
You know, Girls Girls
Girls and Wings.
193
00:08:40,911 --> 00:08:44,219
[ sighs ]
Yeah, that place
is really good.
194
00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:46,047
They give you the moist
towelettes before you
touch the girls.
195
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:48,005
We got to add that.
196
00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:50,660
All right, 30 bucks.
197
00:08:50,704 --> 00:08:52,880
- Okay.
- Yeah? All right, I have
a meeting to get to.
198
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:54,795
Just do me a favor--
sit down with the girls
199
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:56,884
and get to know them
so you can talk them up
to your passengers.
200
00:08:56,927 --> 00:08:59,539
Got it.
201
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,889
Hi, I'm Nolan
202
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:05,632
and I'm gonna be promoting
the club in my limo.
203
00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:07,198
Hi, I'm Jade.
204
00:09:07,242 --> 00:09:08,852
[ laughs ]
205
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:10,767
You remind me
of my mom.
206
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:14,249
She used to sit around
in her underwear, too.
207
00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:16,425
And you remind me
of my kid.
208
00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:17,861
She has that haircut, too.
209
00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:22,866
And my name's
not really Jade.
It's Agnes.
210
00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:26,043
Wow. You're a mom?
You're too young.
211
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:29,394
I'm 30.
The lights in here make you
look about 10 years younger.
212
00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:31,658
- How old is your kid?
- She's eight.
213
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:34,356
So if you brought her in
under these lights,
214
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:36,445
she'd disappear?
215
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,839
[ laughs ]
216
00:09:38,882 --> 00:09:41,581
Why are you laughing?
I'm supposed to ask questions.
217
00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:46,629
Everyone loves
pop-up ads.
218
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,588
They're effective.
219
00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:50,720
They're informative.
220
00:09:50,764 --> 00:09:54,768
The problem is
you can get rid
of them too easily.
221
00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:58,554
So I've invented
a new kind of pop-up ad.
222
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,688
One without the X
in the corner.
223
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:05,996
You can't erase them
from your computer screen.
224
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,476
Ever.
225
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:10,087
You shut down,
you reboot,
226
00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:12,612
they're still there.
227
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,701
That's horrible.
228
00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:18,313
Tell that to the millions
in my bank account.
229
00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:19,923
Ha, ha!
230
00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:25,407
Wish there was an X
on the corner of him
right now.
231
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:29,019
Look, I'm under
no illusions
232
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:31,543
why Lacey loves me.
233
00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:34,764
It's because of the bulge
in my pants.
234
00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:38,986
I'm referring,
of course,
235
00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:40,770
to my wallet.
236
00:10:42,554 --> 00:10:44,469
That's ridiculous.
237
00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:47,124
I love
your beautiful laugh
238
00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:51,476
and the way
I can't see your eyes.
239
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,697
Hey, Lacey,
would you help me grab some
refreshments in the kitchen?
240
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:56,960
You can't leave me
alone with him.
241
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:58,919
What's that, Jordan?
You want to hear more
about pop-up ads?
242
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:01,878
You're welcome.
243
00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:09,538
So...
244
00:11:09,581 --> 00:11:12,019
have you always
been disgusting?
245
00:11:14,935 --> 00:11:16,501
I can't let you
marry this guy, Lacey.
246
00:11:16,545 --> 00:11:18,895
You're not gonna stand
between me and true love.
247
00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:22,899
No, but I am
gonna stand between you
and this evil troll.
248
00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:24,988
And this isn't love.
I know when you're in love.
249
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:27,295
I've seen the way
you look at shoes.
250
00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:29,906
All right, so what?
So I'm marrying him
for his money.
251
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:33,736
Well, there's nothing
wrong with that as long
as it's a lot of money.
252
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,956
Why do you need
to marry anybody?
253
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:38,393
You can take care of yourself.
You have so much potential.
254
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:41,396
Please, I can't keep
a job for more than
a couple of months.
255
00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:43,311
I don't have any skills.
256
00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:45,705
Plus I steal.
257
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:47,707
But you can't
give up on yourself.
258
00:11:47,750 --> 00:11:50,753
I have no other
options, Charlie.
259
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:53,190
Rich guys don't want
someone like me.
260
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,192
I'm almost 30.
261
00:11:55,236 --> 00:11:57,586
Every year newer,
younger,
262
00:11:57,629 --> 00:12:00,284
more racially ambiguous
women come along.
263
00:12:00,328 --> 00:12:02,765
I can't compete with them.
[ sobbing ]
264
00:12:02,809 --> 00:12:04,941
There, there, there.
265
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,769
Guys don't care
how old you are.
266
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:09,598
When was the last time
you dated someone your age?
267
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:14,516
There, there, there.
Something else.
268
00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,912
Dudley is my last chance,
269
00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:22,132
so please don't blow
this for me. Please.
270
00:12:22,176 --> 00:12:24,178
Well, I'm bored.
271
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:28,791
Your friend's pretending
to be dead,
272
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:31,272
but I ain't buying it.
273
00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:34,797
Just how rich is he?
274
00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:44,372
Hey, Sean, it's Nolan.
I'm bringing four guys
to the club.
275
00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:45,939
I told them about
the wings and the girls,
276
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:47,897
but I got
kind of confused,
277
00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:50,204
so one of them might want
to dip the girls in sauce.
278
00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:51,814
Bye.
279
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:54,556
So these strippers
are pretty hot, then?
280
00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:55,775
Nolan:
Oh, they are so hot.
281
00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,689
There's this one
named Jade.
282
00:12:57,733 --> 00:12:59,779
She's this incredible blonde
with real boobs.
283
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,563
- Ah!
- Whoo!
284
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:04,479
Actually, her real
name is Agnes.
285
00:13:04,522 --> 00:13:07,047
You should get a dance
from her, 'cause she really
needs the money.
286
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:09,310
She's got a kid
with scoliosis
287
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,921
and she's got
to support her mother
who has Alzheimer's.
288
00:13:13,705 --> 00:13:16,752
That's really sad, dude.
289
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:20,582
There's also Tori.
She's so exotic.
290
00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:23,759
Half Asian, half Latina
with a rocking body.
291
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,718
- Dibs on Tori.
- [ laughing ]
292
00:13:26,762 --> 00:13:29,417
Yeah, she's a child
of abuse.
293
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,986
And she's got
a really cool tattoo
294
00:13:33,029 --> 00:13:35,553
that almost covers
that nasty C-section scar.
295
00:13:37,991 --> 00:13:41,255
Can you just take us
back to the hotel?
296
00:13:41,298 --> 00:13:44,301
I don't really feel
like going out anymore.
297
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:47,565
Are you sure?
I haven't even told
you about Tiffany.
298
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:51,004
She's in a great mood
because today is her
last day of chemo.
299
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,748
Oh, hey.
What are you doing here?
300
00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:58,446
I'm meeting
Lacey's fiancé.
301
00:13:58,489 --> 00:14:00,578
I'm gonna try to scare
him into leaving her.
302
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,406
You're wasting your time.
303
00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:05,061
Nothing can scare Gollum
away from his precious.
304
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:08,586
Guess who.
305
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,415
This is tough.
306
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:13,548
A lot of people
have that voice.
307
00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:17,900
Oh, I misunderstood.
308
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:21,121
This is BYOB.
309
00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:23,775
Bring your own blonde.
310
00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:27,867
I guess we'll have to share.
311
00:14:29,216 --> 00:14:31,871
I really want
to smack you,
312
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:34,525
but if I did,
I wouldn't know
how to stop.
313
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:36,005
So I'm gonna go.
314
00:14:39,661 --> 00:14:41,315
Lesbians.
315
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:47,712
They say they take up
5% of the population,
316
00:14:47,756 --> 00:14:51,107
but in my experience,
it's more like 90.
317
00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:57,374
So, why am I here?
318
00:14:57,418 --> 00:14:59,637
Well, I barely know you,
so I thought I would just
319
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:03,337
buy you a drink
and wish you and Lacey
all the best.
320
00:15:03,380 --> 00:15:05,687
So, to you.
321
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:11,432
You are a better man
than I am.
322
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,869
Well, I agree.
323
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,002
But what do you mean?
324
00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:20,049
Well, I'm her therapist,
so I'm not allowed
325
00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:23,183
to divulge
any information,
but between you and me,
326
00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:25,446
I would keep
a first aid kit
next to the bed.
327
00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:27,274
For what?
328
00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:30,407
I mean, after
all the crazy sex
329
00:15:30,451 --> 00:15:32,627
Lacey and I
will be having,
330
00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:34,803
all we'll really need
331
00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:38,154
is a bag
of frozen peas for me
332
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:42,115
and a bottle of cranberry
juice for the lady.
333
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:47,642
I'm just saying
that I would never
sleep in the same room
334
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:49,774
with a woman who has
that kind of a history.
335
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:53,691
Hey, that woman
is my soul mate.
336
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:56,781
I don't care
how many men
337
00:15:56,825 --> 00:15:59,393
she's had sex with.
338
00:15:59,436 --> 00:16:02,874
Do you care
how many men she's shot
the balls off of?
339
00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:07,009
That I care
a little about.
340
00:16:09,272 --> 00:16:11,013
Well, that only
happened one time
341
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:12,884
with her ex-boyfriend,
so you don't have worry.
342
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:17,106
Unless you snore
or walk or breathe
343
00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:19,239
or squint a lot.
344
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:22,285
- Oh, no.
- What?
345
00:16:22,329 --> 00:16:25,332
I snore sometimes.
346
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:28,988
Well, good luck.
347
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,126
Hey, I got your message.
Where's the group of guys?
348
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:39,346
I don't know what happened.
I was talking up the club,
349
00:16:39,389 --> 00:16:41,435
the boneless wings,
the hot girls,
350
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:43,306
especially Gina
who I said looks great
351
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,830
after all those skin grafts
from the burns.
352
00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:48,659
Nolan, you talked
about the strippers'
personal lives.
353
00:16:48,703 --> 00:16:51,140
Yeah. Did you know
Adina has arthritis?
354
00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:53,316
She has to take massive
amounts of ibuprofen
355
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,405
just to swing
around the pole.
356
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:57,625
No, I didn't know
any of that.
357
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:59,670
- Crap.
- What's the matter?
358
00:16:59,714 --> 00:17:02,325
Now I feel bad for them.
359
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:04,588
I can't think of them
as sexy cop
360
00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:06,199
or naughty schoolgirl
361
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,636
or Dorothy from
"The Wizard of Oz."
362
00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:10,594
And that is why
slutty Dorothy
363
00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:12,074
couldn't pick up
Toto last night.
364
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,989
She has arthritis.
365
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,645
You know that dog
has a tumor?
366
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,081
[ sighs ]
367
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:22,302
Will you stop?
What is so important?
368
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,086
I'm hoping to get
a freaked-out text
369
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:25,522
from Lacey saying that
Dudley left her.
370
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:26,915
I don't know
if I scared him off or not.
371
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:29,004
What if you didn't?
372
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,137
Then I'm out
of options.
373
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:34,357
I'll just have to tell
Lacey that I lied to her
about her family being broke.
374
00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:36,055
Unless...
375
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:38,753
Unless what?
376
00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:41,060
I don't know.
I thought if I said
unless...
377
00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:42,496
you'd fill it in
with a great idea.
378
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,717
You know what
I could do?
379
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,328
Are you doing it again?
380
00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:51,418
Yes.
You're really dropping
the ball here.
381
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,900
Oh, my God, Charlie.
My life is over.
382
00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:57,815
Dudley just broke up
with me.
383
00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,687
Oh, that's terrible.
384
00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:02,298
But that's the kind
of decision that people make
385
00:18:02,342 --> 00:18:06,650
all on their own
without any outside
influence whatsoever.
386
00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:08,348
- What?
- Doesn't matter.
387
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:11,699
Just, please,
tell us what happened.
388
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:14,745
He just ran out
for no reason.
389
00:18:14,789 --> 00:18:16,878
Hey, Dudley,
have you seen
my scissors?
390
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:19,402
I want to cut
the tags off the new
things you bought me.
391
00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:22,405
[ snoring ]
392
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,233
Whatever.
I'll just use a knife.
393
00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:27,193
[ snoring ]
394
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,195
Hey, Dudley.
395
00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,414
- Wake up.
- What?
396
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:32,720
You were snoring.
397
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:35,418
[ screaming ]
398
00:18:36,854 --> 00:18:38,204
And then he ran out.
399
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:40,684
I only woke him up
because he sounded like
400
00:18:40,728 --> 00:18:42,730
he was gonna choke
on his own saliva
401
00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:44,471
and I didn't want him
to die.
402
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:47,430
I mean, not before
we were married.
403
00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:50,172
You know what?
You're better off
without him.
404
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:52,043
I was worth a billion
dollars with him.
405
00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:53,828
How am I better off?
406
00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:57,571
Well, off the top of my head,
your taxes are lower.
407
00:18:57,614 --> 00:18:59,964
Oh, please,
I've never paid taxes
in my life.
408
00:19:00,008 --> 00:19:02,228
As long as you don't vote
or use your real name
409
00:19:02,271 --> 00:19:04,969
when you open a bank account,
they don't catch you.
410
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,582
You don't vote?
411
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:11,976
She's committing bank fraud.
You didn't hear that part?
412
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,762
Who cares?
413
00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:17,373
I, Jolene Samson,
have nothing left.
414
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:21,377
I don't have any money
for food or rent.
415
00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:24,250
- What do I do?
- You realize, don't you,
416
00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:26,600
that it is your
civic responsibility?
417
00:19:26,643 --> 00:19:29,037
- Get out.
- Fine.
418
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,692
I'll just go explain
that to the thousands
of suffragettes
419
00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:33,737
who marched in
restrictive undergarments
and large hats.
420
00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:35,261
Get out.
421
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:40,309
Look, you may not
see it now,
422
00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:42,572
but I think you've learned
something really important
from this.
423
00:19:42,616 --> 00:19:45,271
What, that men suck
and I can't depend on them?
424
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:47,403
No, no, no,
it's bigger than that.
425
00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:49,536
People suck.
426
00:19:49,579 --> 00:19:51,364
You can only depend
on yourself.
427
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:53,757
You know what?
You're right.
428
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:57,413
I'm not gonna wait
around for anybody
else to let me down.
429
00:19:57,457 --> 00:20:00,721
I'm gonna do something
with myself and earn
my own money.
430
00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,810
That's great.
431
00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:04,551
That's exactly
what I've been waiting
to hear you say.
432
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:06,335
[ knocking on door ]
433
00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:07,858
Coming.
434
00:20:12,472 --> 00:20:14,125
Sanjay. What the hell
are you doing here?
435
00:20:14,169 --> 00:20:17,259
I heard my daughter's
marrying some old man
for his money.
436
00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:18,652
This charade
has gone too far.
437
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,436
No, no, no, no.
Everything is fine.
438
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,351
The old man ran away.
439
00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,223
She's got her future
all figured out.
440
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:26,616
I'm gonna start
my own business.
441
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:28,139
I don't know
what it is yet,
442
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:30,229
but I'm gonna
find my passion,
443
00:20:30,272 --> 00:20:32,405
create a business plan,
and get a loan.
444
00:20:32,448 --> 00:20:36,147
Lacey, I'm so proud of you.
I will give you that loan.
445
00:20:36,191 --> 00:20:37,975
But, Daddy,
you're poor.
446
00:20:38,019 --> 00:20:39,890
Yeah, Daddy,
you're poor.
447
00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:43,242
Yes, Charlie,
I'm poor.
448
00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:45,722
So how will I do this?
449
00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:49,117
Do you by chance
have a small account
in another country,
450
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,293
the funds of which
were not touched
451
00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:53,339
by your tragic
financial collapse?
452
00:20:53,382 --> 00:20:56,385
No, I don't believe so.
453
00:20:56,429 --> 00:20:58,039
Well, of course you do.
454
00:20:58,082 --> 00:21:00,911
Maybe it's called
the "Lacy is finally doing
455
00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:03,174
something with her life
456
00:21:03,218 --> 00:21:06,917
- offshore money shelter."
- Ah, yes! I remember now.
457
00:21:06,961 --> 00:21:10,965
In fact, that's exactly
why I came here.
458
00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:15,056
To tell you, Lacey,
I have the fund.
459
00:21:15,099 --> 00:21:17,754
Thank you, Daddy.
460
00:21:17,798 --> 00:21:19,582
And thank you, Charlie.
461
00:21:19,626 --> 00:21:21,062
Always a pleasure, Jolene.
462
00:21:21,105 --> 00:21:22,585
Don't forget to vote.
34624
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