All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E76.Charlie.and.The.Return.of.the.Hot.Nerd.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

- So I was about to get a date
with this rich club promoter.
- Hold on, hold on.

I think you told
this story last week.

No, that was a different
rich club promoter.

What about the week
before that?

These are all
different guys.
Keep up.

I'm paying you
to listen to me.

So I'm talking to this guy

and my stupid friend
Skylar comes over

and hip checks me out the way
with her butt implants.

Let me guess,
this was at your book club?

Yeah, like there's actually
a club where people sit around
and read books.

Whatever.
Anyways, I hate this bitch.

She's so aggressive
and materialistic.

She'll sleep with anybody
who has money.

So would you.

You don't understand.

She makes her dates
show them a bank statement

so she can see
how much money they have.
It's disgusting.

You do that, too.

Yeah, I know.
It is disgusting
what a copycat she is.

When I asked my last date
to show me a bank statement,

he told me I was
"pulling a Skylar."

Not that I care
what he thinks anyway

'cause he only has 30K
in his bank account.

Okay, everybody,
see you next Monday.

Wait a minute! Wait--
I didn't get a chance

to talk about what
I wanted to talk about.

Okay, everybody,
sit back down.

What's going on, Ed?

[ sighs ]

It's been a year
since I had sex.

- No.
- Everybody, hey,
hey, hey, hey.

Sit down.

Ed has a problem
he's going to talk about

in very vague terms.

Go on, Ed.

I've been trying
to work up the courage

to ask this question...

what does a guy like me

have to do
to get casual sex?

Wow, wow.
That's a pretty
big issue, Ed.

What if we lead off with that
at the next session

so we have some time
to talk about it?

Until then, Ed, try putting
yourself out there.

If you're at
the grocery store
and you see a lady,

give her a wink
and a smile.

Let's see that smile.

Okay, maybe just a wink.

- Patrick, wait.
- What is it?

Um, you know
how Charlie's

always telling us
to help each other out?

Hey, listen,
I am really late.
I cannot give you a ride.

Oh, no, no.
It's not about that.

Oh, then what is it?
I've got some time to kill.

I was thinking,

Ed really wants
to get laid

and I really want to teach
Skylar a lesson.

Go on.

If I tell Skylar
that Ed's rich,

she'll have sex
with him.

And then when she finds out
that she slept with an old guy
that's poor,

we'll call that
"pulling a Skylar."

I would love to see
that happen, Lacey.

I really would,
but selling Ed
as a millionaire?

His car is made
out of duct tape.

Then I guess
I'll just have to go
back to my original plan--

Tweeting mean things
about her until she develops
an eating disorder.

And not the good kind.
The kind where you're fat.

Okay. There you go.

Now all your videos, photos,
and music are on the cloud.

So that video
we made last night?

God is watching it?

Well, metaphysically speaking,
He probably saw the first cut.

So I guess I don't mind
Him having a copy.

I'm really happy
we're back together,
Charlie.

I know, I know.

And all this computer stuff
you're doing for me is great.

I just wish I could
do something for you.

Can I get you a glass
of water or something?

No, I'm fine.

You know what?
I'm gonna get you one anyway.

I don't want this
hanging over my head.

- Hey, man.
- Hey, Sean.

Look who's here.
Monica.

- Remember Monica?
- Yeah, of course.

You're Monica,
the great outdoors
girl, right?

Into the rock climbing
and camping and--

No. I'm Monica
the computer girl.

Of course you are.

That makes sense
that you're not Monica

that looked like a fish
and was eaten by a bear.

Did I fix that?

Yeah, like that volcano
fixed Pompeii.

Okay, I'm going to
go check the Internet
connection upstairs.

- Nice to see you again, Sean.
- Good to...

Isn't that the girl
that you were dating before

that then went back
to her crazy nerd boyfriend?

Yes, but she broke up
with him and called me
a couple of weeks ago.

I'm sorry, last time
you were with her,

wasn't that the guy
that was stalking you
through your own television?

Yes.

But he's the crazy one,
not her.

Monica's totally normal.

- Charlie, did you
see your phone?
- Uh, no.

Wow. You went
into my phone

and changed my wallpaper
without me even knowing it.

Magic.

I know.
I took that picture of us
while you were sleeping.

I look pretty hot, right?

- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you sure do.
- Crazy hot.

Certifiably crazy hot.

[ theme music playing ]

Monica,
this is incredible.

I'm watching
the Bengals game live,

the picture's amazing,
there's no lag, and--

I'm stealing
all these games,
aren't I?

Well, technically
you're just borrowing them

from a kid who paid
for them in Cuba.

So really you're
just piggybacking
off the signal.

So I'm just
playing piggyback.

Well, that's not a crime.
That's just adorable.

Here. I want to show you
something that I just got.

Do not tell me you got that
from a kid in Cuba.

No, you got it for me.

What?

You said you wanted
to do something for me

for everything
I've done for you,

so I hacked into
your PayPal account,

got access to your credit card,
and bought myself this.

From you.
You like it?

Well, obviously I wouldn't
have gotten it for you

if I didn't like it,
right?

You're so thoughtful.

Yeah,
but let's talk about

that PayPal thing
for a second.

You did what, now?

I was just
saving us some time.

You're the best
boyfriend ever.

Ooh, I gotta get outta this.
We've gotta get ready for
the basketball game.

- What basketball game?
- You said you wanted to take
me to a game last week,

so I helped you
buy us some tickets
for this afternoon.

Hey, would it be okay
if I got a Lakers jersey
at the game later?

Sure.

I can't believe
I haven't gotten
you one already.

[ giggles ]

[ crowd cheering on TV ]

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
You're here.

How come you never told me
that you had the whole
football package?

Because I didn't want you
busting into my place

and watching games
when I wasn't home.

Okay, well,
I would never do that.

But somebody else might,
which is why I am here--
to stop those dudes.

So...

I can get you
the same package
I got Charlie.

I can do it right now.
It'll take me two seconds
on my laptop.

You need, like,
my account number

from the cable company
or something?

[ laughs ]
Oh, you guys.

Okay, you know what
I was saying before

about that one
being crazy?

- I was wrong.
- You were wrong.

She's not just crazy,
she's also a criminal.

- What do you mean?
- She broke into my
PayPal account

and spent $3,000 on tickets
to a Laker game.

- How were your seats?
- Oh, they were great.
They were great.

They were courtside
right next to Jack--
that doesn't matter!

- I've gotta end this thing.
- I don't know, man.

She seems pretty into you.
How are you gonna do it?

I'm gonna have her
buy herself some flowers

and a cute little teddy bear
holding a card that says,
"Get out!"

Can you do me a favor?
Can you just wait
until she's done

hooking me up with
the football and hockey,

maybe next season's
baseball?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Is the complete
invasion of my privacy

interfering with
your entertainment needs?

- Sort of.
- Get out.

- What, no teddy bear?
- Get out.

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

Monica, I need to talk to you
about what you did

with the lingerie
and the basketball tickets.

You're not upset,
are you?

Well, I wouldn't say upset.

I just feel a little weird that
you went into my PayPal account
without me knowing it.

So I guess
what I'm feeling is--

yeah, it's upset.

Well, I shouldn't be having
to ask you for those things.

They should just be here.

Well, I shouldn't be having
this conversation right now,

but here we are.

You think I crossed a line,
I'll just put the money
back into your account.

It's not just about that.

- We need to talk
about our future.
- I agree.

Sometimes
when two people--

I just took over
your identity.

- You what?
- Don't freak out.

The fact that
I control your money
and pretty much

every other aspect
of your life is going
to be great for us.

Of course it is.

How again?

Because now I can reward you
if you're good

and punish you
if you're bad.

It's the only way
I can train you to be
a better boyfriend

without worrying
that you'll run away.

Oh.

- You ever seen
the movie "Misery"?
- No.

Huh. Because I think
you'd really love it.

- Hey, Lacey.
- I'm a genius.

You finally figured out
how to open the hood
of your car?

Very funny.
There's no way to do that.

I figured out
how to sucker Skylar

into thinking that Ed's rich
so she'll sleep with him.

Is this better than your idea
of putting a top hat on him

so she'll think he's the guy
from Monopoly?

Because I did not need to be
woken up by that call

in the middle of the night.

Okay, he's pretending
to be poor

because he's worried about
gold diggers who want
all the money he made

from inventing
the artificial heart.

There is no one on Earth
stupid enough

to sleep with Ed
because they think

that hillbilly invented
the artificial heart.

I finally got me
some sweets between
the sheets.

Ed,
I'm so happy for you.

How did it happen?

Well, I was sitting
at the bar and this cute
little filly walks up

and starts chatting me up.
I don't know what it was.

Well, you do look younger.
Did you dye your ear hair?

Hey, guys.

Good news.
That girl I've been eyeing
for the last few months,

she finally
looked at me today.

Well, that's just
great for you

because Ed met a lady
last night and already
had sex with her.

That's great.

That doesn't make me
feel bad about myself at all.

Well, I guess there's
nothing left to do

besides show that bitch
your bank balance,

make her realize
she slept with an old guy
for no reason,

and call it quits.

Now you watch your mouth.
I ain't giving this gal up.

As a matter of fact,
I think I'm in love.

- Lacey: Ugh.
- I hate my life.

How 'bout that, Lacey?

Ed's in love
and he's gonna
get his heart broken.

Oh, no, wait.
He'll be fine.

He can just pop in
an artificial one.

Now where's Charlie?

I want to break
the good news to him.

He left a note saying
he went to the bank.

What do you mean
I can't freeze my account?

- Somebody's trying
to hijack my identity.
- I'm sorry, sir.

I can't freeze
anything without
your wife's signature.

She's a cosigner
on all your accounts.

My wife?
I don't have a wife.

Oh, I see where
this is going, sir.

I'm not allowed
to fraternize with
our customers.

I am not trying
to pick you up.

I'm trying
to protect my money.

I get it, sir.
You have money.
That's great.

But I need someone
with the heart of
a Bengal tiger

who can make me laugh.

Okay, look.

Can I talk to anybody else
but you, please?

I'm sorry, sir.

You're going to get
the same answer from anyone
at this institution.

Besides, everyone's gone
for the evening.

Well,
what are you doing here?

I'm here in case
somebody has an emergency.

Okay, okay.
I have an emergency.

Trying to deny
the existence
of your wife

and the responsibility
of your marriage is
not an emergency.

You are a horrible,

horrible bank employee.

I know.

But I am
a terrific mistress.

Here's my phone number.

Don't tell anyone
I gave it to you.

Oh, don't worry.

Our secret
will die with me.

You ever have sex
in a bank vault?

No!

Actually, yes.

Twice.

Why am I still
talking to you?

Sorry I'm late, Jordan.
Crazy morning.

This girl I'm dating

hacked into my computer
and stole my identity.

I had to buy her shoes
this morning or she was gonna
put my house on eBay.

With no minimum bid.

Why don't you go
to the cops?

Hey, that's the first time
I haven't said that mockingly

to somebody tied up
in my trunk.

They said that
they can't do anything.

They're already backed up
with, like, 20,000 other
ID theft cases

and by the time
they get to mine,
I'll be dead.

But still buying boots
at Nordstrom.

You know what
you need to do,
Charlie?

Go down to cellblock H
and talk to the best
hacker in the world--

Vlad the Encoder.

Uh-uh. No, Charlie.
You do not want to go
talk to Vlad the Encoder.

That guy is messed up.
I heard he ate somebody's face.

That's not true.
He made a robot that
ate somebody's face.

Either way,
a face was eaten.

I've grown kind of
attached to this.

I think I'm gonna
hold off on Vlad.

Monica:
Hey, Charlie.
Can you hear me?

I just figured out
how to get into your
phone, too,

and turn it
into an intercom so I can
listen to everything.

It'll be like
I'm in your pocket.
Say something.

Sorry, I can't hear you.

I'm still at the mall
stopping for a pretzel.

Take me to the face-eater.

Thank you
for coming with me.

When I tell Ed
that I tricked Skylar
into dating him,

he's gonna have
a heart attack.

And I don't know CPR.

And I wouldn't
put my mouth on his
to save his life.

If he didn't have
a heart attack from
having sex with your friend,

he ain't gonna
have one now.

What are you two
doing here?

Not looking down.

What's with the bat?
Didn't you look through
the peephole?

Yes, I did.

Look, Ed, um,
can we come inside?

I really need
to talk to you
for a minute.

All right,
but make it quick.

I'm entertaining
my lady friend.

- Look, Ed, there's something
you need to know.
- [ door closes ]

That girl in your bed
that you've been-- oh, God.

Having-- oh, God.

Having sex with.

Oh, God.

Okay. Yes.

She is a friend of mine

and I told her
that you were rich,

which is the only reason
why she's seeing you.

Damn. I knew it was
too good to be true.

- Doris!
- Doris?

- Is something wrong?
- [ Lacey gasps ]

Are you just using me
for my money?

You've got moves like that
and you've got money?

- Jackpot.
- [ Ed chuckles ]

I'm sorry, Ed,
this is all just
a big misunderstanding.

We'll just get out of here
so you guys can get back to,

you know--
oh, God.

I'll let you into Vlad's cell,
but I'm gonna wait outside.

Kettles,
you've got a gun.

- He's not gonna
eat your face.
- I know.

But I'm gonna have nightmares
when I see him eat yours.

Well, hello,
Mr. Goodson.

Welcome.
Can I offer you some tea?

They let you have
boiling water in here?

Nope,
but they let me offer it.

I have to admit,
I was expecting someone
a little more terrifying.

And I was expecting
somebody in long pants.

You have
quite the reputation
around here

as a, you know,
eater of faces.

I just made that up to keep
the skinheads off my ass.

The only reason
I'm even in isolation

is because they don't want me
anywhere near a computer.

So you've never
eaten a face?

Nah, never eaten a face.
Have you ever eaten a face?

- No, I've never
eaten a face.
- Oh.

- So, look, this girl
I'm seeing...
- Yeah.

...she stole my identity.

I had no idea
that she was capable

of that kind of devious
and manipulative behavior.

- Great body?
- Spectacular.

Kind of distracted me
from her probably
obvious insanity.

So the boys gave me
a heads up about
your situation

and I think
I can help you.

I've been hiding this.

Nobody ever suspected
the hairbrush?

Why?

Uh...

what is that thing?

I wrote this program
years ago.

Just plug this
into her computer,

type in this code,

and her hacking capabilities
will be immediately
neutralized.

Wow.
That's great.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Why would you
help me like this?

I help you and one day,

you'll help me.

Now I see why you went with
the whole face eater thing

'cause that really wasn't
very scary at all.

No? Okay, well...

maybe-- what if I, like,
tilt my head down like...

[ lowers voice ]
you'll help me.

That's better.
Keep working on that.

Don't patronize me!

Okay, that's a guy
I believe eats faces.
Guard.

Monica?

Monica:
Charlie.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You're here.
What's going on?

I was just doing
some home improvements.

Check this out.
Now you can flush
your toilets

from up to a mile away
with your iPhone.

Oh, good.

Good, because I always like
to come home to a toilet

that's been
freshly swirled.

- Are those for me?
- Yes, yes.

I did it all on my own.

- See what
a good boyfriend I am?
- Oh, you're really learning.

- Oh.
- Hey, why don't you go
put them in a vase?

- There's a bunch
in the kitchen.
- I'll be right back.

- Take your time.
- You're awesome.

What are you doing?

I've got to look up
the best way to keep
them fresh.

Fresh?
What are you gonna do,
Google water?

Oh, Charlie.

Damn it.

You know what?
Forget these stupid flowers.

Charlie,
what are you doing?

A good boyfriend
is spontaneous.

I want you right now.
And we are gonna get freaky.

Ooh, what do you
have in mind?

Here, take
this whipped cream.

And...
this chocolate frosting

and these candy sprinkles

and go upstairs

and turn yourself into
an X-rated birthday cake.

Oh, you're so cute.

I'll be up
in a minute.
Go.

Charlie,
I just noticed
this frosting

is made in a factory
that has peanuts.

I'm allergic.

Oh, sorry.

Here.

- Olive oil?
- Yeah.

You're a Greek birthday cake.

Opa!

Go, go.

Sorry, Charlie,
this olive oil was
also made at a--

- what are you doing?
- I'm taking back my life.

[ computer chimes ]

Done. I'm free.

You can't hold me
hostage anymore.

Oh, my God.
A half-eaten face.

That's Vlad the Encoder's
new hacker emblem.

This is another reason
why we can't be together.

You see the face
as half-eaten

and I see
the face as half...

not eaten.

Wait, you don't want
to be together?

No, I don't want
to be together.

Oh, you should've
just said that.

I'm not gonna do
all this stuff to somebody
who doesn't wanna be with me.

I'm not crazy.

Another problem--

you see yourself
as not crazy

and I see you
as incredibly crazy.

Fine. We're done.

I'm removing my number
from your cell phone

and I'm taking away
your remote flushing
capabilities.

[ sighs ]
Well, I guess
I had that coming.