All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E75.Charlie.Plays.Hide.and.Go.Cheat.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Charlie, stop.
I really have to go.

I thought PIs worked
at night in the shadows.

We just got up.
It's like the crack of--

oh, crap, it's 11:00.
I have to get to work.

I will see you later.

In the meantime,
you can work

on solving the case
of my missing panties.

Well, they've been missing
since dinner last night.

Most cops will tell you
if they don't come back
within the first 12 hours,

well, they're not
coming back at all.

Hey, Charlie.

Hello, Maggie.

Hi, Jordan.

How's it going?

Still betraying
your clients?

She didn't betray you.

It was an innocent
misunderstanding.

Charlie, she double-crossed me
and almost got me fired.

In order to keep my job,
I had to spend four weeks
in rehab

for a heroin addiction
I don't even have.

Hey, you got
your job back

and now we know
you're not allergic
to methadone.

Okay, I am gonna
leave this to you.

Charlie,
I'll see you later.

- Bye, Jordan.
- Maggie.

Ugh, God, I didn't
need that today.

Sorry about that.
I didn't know she'd
be here this late.

We had sex, like,
three times this morning--

Charlie, I don't
need to hear it.

Will you let me
finish my apology?

And it was fantastic.

So, is there anything
I need to know

before I get started
with your group today?

Well, Ed recently
discovered

the timeless classic,
"That's what she said,"

so try not to open with,
"Who wants to go first?"

'Cause I guarantee
that'll be what she said.

- You okay?
- I just found out
that Sean...

took another job
at a strip club.

Oh, is it the Distinguished
Gentlemen Executive
Prestige Club?

'Cause that place
is basically a whorehouse.

No, it's the Shaved Fox.

Oh, that place is lovely.

A strip club is a really bad
environment for a guy

who has a history
of cheating on his girlfriends
with strippers.

From where he works.

Look, I know
you're upset right now,

so are you gonna be okay
to go in there and handle
my group today?

Oh, yeah.
Yes, I'm fine.
I'm a professional.

And if I haven't
said it enough,

I really appreciate
you trusting me with
your patients

while your license
has been suspended.

Well, hey, you're
doing a great job.

Look, Lacey just texted me
the other day

that she wishes
that she'd gone
to high school with you.

Yeah, she said she totally
would have dumped blood
on my head at the prom.

That's not true.

Oh, yeah.
"Dump blood."
There it is.

I really should scroll
all the way down when
I read these things.

Go get 'em, sport.

[ theme music playing ]

So, how's everybody
doing today?

That's what she said.
[ laughs ]

Okay, Ed, Charlie
told me about this

and, well, you're kinda
using it wrong.

That's what she said.
[ laughing ]

Okay, actually
that was better.

Moving on.
Nolan, why don't you start?

Well, everything's okay
except I don't know what
I want to do with my life

and, uh, every day
I'm being crushed

by the weight
of each new failure.

Oh, and I got
a new Xbox.

Does anybody have anything
they want to add to this?

- Yes, Lacey betrayed me.
- I did not.

That's not related,
but it sounds more interesting.

Let's go with that.
What happened?

Well, I was on a date
with Akennedy...

Wow, a Kennedy?
Which one?

Oh, no.
Akennedy's his first name.

Akennedy Mambaso.
He's African.

Anyway, we're at the bar,
everything's going great,

and then this one
shows up out of nowhere,

mentions
I'm in anger therapy,

which puts a bullet
right through my relationship
with Akennedy.

I really wish I hadn't
used that metaphor.

Sorry, the therapy thing
just slipped out.

That's the thanks I get
for helping her get a job.

Patrick helped you
get a job?

It's a one-time thing.

I'm gonna be
a fully-clothed model

in one of his art classes
at fashion school.

Uh, that's not true.

She's posing for the artist,
but she's gonna be a nude model.

I know what I want
to do with my life.

I want to be an artist.

Patrick, this is
exactly why I told you
not to say anything.

Sorry.
It just slipped out.

That's what she said.

I-- I think
I've got this thing now.

[ sighs ]

Lacey, of all of the jobs
in the world,

why would you want
to be a nude model?

There's a lot of designers
in that class,

and if one of them
becomes famous, I can
be their muse

or their beard
or their new best friend

who gets
their Paris apartment

when they wrap
their new Lamborghini
around a pole.

Do you realize that
there are men in this class

with girlfriends
and wives,

and if they see someone
as hot as you bare-ass naked,

shakin' what your mama
gave ya,

they'll hate what
they've got at home?

I'm just taking off my robe
and sitting on a stool.

It's the same damn thing!

Uh, Jordan, can I talk to you
in the kitchen?

I have
a cooking question.

When you're making spaghetti
and it goes crazy

and starts screaming at people,
what do you do?

What's going on
out there?

Anger management therapists
should not be the ones
getting angry.

I wasn't angry.

I was discussing
the pros and cons
of Lacey posing naked

like meat
in a butcher's window

when the butcher's wife
is at home eating rice cakes

just to lose a couple pounds
before bathing suit season!

My mistake.
I thought I heard yelling.

Dude, I just got
a new job at a strip...

mall.

Oh, come on.
It's just a job.

You think I want
to spend all my time

around a bunch
of hot, naked women
with perfect bodies?

No, I'd rather be
with you.

Excuse me,
I'm gonna go home

and take a handful
of laxatives.

Dude I'm not saying
that you won't get
laid tonight,

but it's pretty much
gonna be all about her.

You know, I've never
seen Jordan lose it
like that.

She's really convinced
that Sean's gonna
cheat on her.

Just so you know,
you never have to worry
about me getting like that.

Because you trust me.
Thank you.

No, because you'd never
get away with it.

I'm a PI.
I catch guys who cheat
for a living.

I'd always be two steps
ahead of you.

Okay, okay,
slow down there, Magnum.

Look, I don't wanna brag
because I find this whole
subject matter distasteful,

but other than
one little hiccup

that cost me a house
and half my money,

I was a pretty good cheater.

I'm sorry, Charlie.
I know you think you're
pretty clever,

but I'm a professional.

I could outsmart you
every time.

Wow, you're that confident
that you're smarter than me.

Well, I guess there's only
one way to find out.

Really, just one?

'Cause I can think
of two, but go on.

Let's see
if I can catch you.

If you can get a picture
of you and a woman

in any hotel room
in the city

by tomorrow night,

24 hours from now
at exactly 8:00--

you send me that picture
before I find you, you win.

It's not gonna happen.

So you think
that you can track me.

Well, guess what.

I'm not even here
right now.

This is my Charlie
hologram.

Really?

Pretty impressive
technology, huh?

Here's your room, Rabbi.

Thank you, son.

Are you sure that nobody
followed us up here?

- Yes.
- Good.

'Cause it says in the Bible
that "thou shalt not be followed
into a hotel room."

- There you go.
- Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

Especially because I have
a religious question
I'd like to ask you.

Um... okay.

My uncle is a Hebrew teacher
at our temple

and he and I are having
a bit of a disagreement.

Maybe you can settle it.

Aw, Jesus.

I'm sorry.
What is it?

Where do you stand
on the claim

that the Rambam makes teshuva
a prerequisite for Geulah?

A wise man once said,

"It is not you who should be
asking questions of me,

it is I who should be
asking questions of you."

Where's the minibar key?

Hey, Charlie.
Whoa, look at you.

[ whispers ]
Just get in here.

Up high, Rabbi.

Thanks for coming by
on such short notice
to take this photo.

- You're a champ, Lacey.
- Sure, no problem.

Wow, you are really
going out of your way
to win this thing.

Well, I had to make sure
that Maggie didn't follow me,

so that's why I paid
for the rental car in cash

and registered
at two other hotels.

And wore
the ZZ Top outfit?

Yes, and wore
the ZZ Top outfit.

I still don't understand
why it's so important

for you to outsmart
this woman.

Ow!

It just seems so whack.

Oh, it is very whack.
But I have to win.

All right,
let's take this picture.
I gotta go.

I'm posing
for Patrick's art class.

Oh, no, no, no.
We can't take the picture now.

We have to wait
until exactly 8:00.

Okay, then change
the time on the clock to 8:00

so we can take
the picture now.

No, no, no.
I'm not gonna win
by cheating.

Even when I was
a baseball player,
I never took steroids.

I mean, sure, I couldn't get
the ball out of the infield,
but I held my head high.

Unless they threw garbage
at me from the stands.

Then I'd duck.

You're just gonna
have to find somebody else.

But there's
only one hour left.
Who am I gonna ask?

- Did you ask Jordan?
- I can't ask Jordan.

She's worried about
Sean cheating on her,

and if I ask her to help me
win a cheating contest,
she'll lose her mind.

[ sighs ]
So, I'm, like,
your only hope.

And you've done
so much for me
in the past.

- So you'll stay?
- Oh, no.

Like I told you,
I gotta go.

Hi, everybody.
I'm Lacey.

Nice to meet you.

Everything is real.

Follow me on Twitter.

Find me on Instagram.

Hi, sweetie.

- Hey.
- Nolan?!

What the hell are you
doing here? Patrick?

I swear to God I had no idea
he would do this.

I'm auditing the class.

I told you I decided what
I want to do with my life.

I want to do...

whatever you call
what these people
are doing.

It's called fashion design,
and you can never do it.

You don't have the talent.

Well, you gotta
start somewhere,

and I've never
been more ready
for anything in my life.

Can I borrow a pencil?

Fine, you can stay.

But I'm warning you,
you can't handle this.

Okay? It's like that
"Raiders of the Lost Ark"
movie.

When I open my robe,
your face will melt.

Oh, please,
I'll be fine.

As far as I'm concerned,
you're only a series of angles,
shapes, and shadows.

At least his face
didn't melt.

[ knocking on door ]

Hey, sorry to barge in
like this,

but you weren't
answering your phone.

I'm in the middle
of a fight with Sean.

Oh, well, I have
a favor to ask you.

I have a favor to ask you.
This guy is a jerk.

That's not
really a favor.

She still thinks
that I'm gonna cheat on her.

Because you have a history.

Jeez, just because
you sleep with one girl...

a week
since I was 14...

Why would you
say that out loud?

I'm kidding!

Will you please tell him
that cheating isn't funny?

It's not a joke.
It's not a game.

Now what did you want
to see me about?

Well, it's definitely
not about a funny, joking
cheating game.

I got you guys
a hotel room.

- What?
- That's the favor I need.

I just want
my two best friends
to stop fighting.

It's tearing me apart.

So you got us
a hotel room?

Yes. As a therapist,
I know that couples

cannot resolve
an argument about fidelity

unless they have
fantastic makeup sex...

in a bed they've
never had sex in before.

And room service.

I am a therapist
and I have never heard
of anything like that before.

Yeah, well, have you read
every single study

about fidelity argumentation
in a non-married couple setting?

Is that even a thing?

You don't even know!
How can you challenge me!

Come on, Jordan.
What do you say?

- I don't know.
- All right, Jordan's in.
Sean?

It's crazy, but, honestly,
I would try anything

if it'll stop
all this ridiculous fighting.

And I'll try anything
to see Jordan standing
in that hotel room

smiling, happy,
and in a healthy relationship.

A little before 8:00.
Let's go.

Nice.

Good.

What do you think,
Mr. Hornsby?

I think you're much
too worried about
what I think.

You're right.
I think it's great.

If you think it's great.
Do you think it's great?

- I kind of do.
- Thank you, but you
don't matter.

Oh, my God.

Nolan:
I know, it's not finished.

I was gonna draw me
standing next to Lacey
in front of our house

with our kid
playing in the yard.

"Hey, Lacey."
"Yeah?"

"I don't know why
you're standing
outside naked,

but we had a boy."

No, it's-- it's wonderful.
It's extraordinary.

Oh, please!
This was an accident.

If you put a monkey
in front of a canvas,

eventually he's gonna
paint the Mona Lisa.

A monkey painted that?

That's why she had
that smile.

She was looking
at a monkey.

Okay, here we go.

So...

what do you think?

You didn't have to walk us
up to the room, Charlie.

You could have just
given us the key.

But then I wouldn't
have seen your faces

when you saw the room.

Here it is,
the room.

Here they are,
our faces.

Bye, now.

You're kicking me out?

It's not even 8:00.

You've got to give me at least
a minute and 45 seconds...

to tell you about the room,
maybe take a picture,

and then I'll get going.

- A picture?
- Yes, yes.

To capture the magic
of the moment.

Have you seen
this light switch?

It turns on those two lamps
all the way over there.

Look at this. Huh? Huh?
Look at that.

Huh?

Charlie, we really
appreciate this,

but Sean and I could use
some time alone to--

Boom!
A robe.

Wait, wait.

You're not gonna
believe this.

Boom!
Another robe.

Yes, Charlie.
We've both been
in a hotel room before.

Yeah, but have you ever
seen one of these?

A clock radio
that charges your iPhone.

We gotta get a picture
next to this bad boy.

In a minute.

Charlie, get out.

Get out, get out,
get out.

Oh, my God.
This bed is amazing.

Ugh, no!

Don't you know
you're not supposed to
lay on the bedspread?

Do you have any idea
what goes on in a place
like this?

All right, all right.
I'm going, I'm going.

Let me just get a picture
for my scrapbook

and then I'm gone.

- Your scrapbook?
- Yeah, it's my new hobby.

I saw Jordan doing it
and I thought,

"Why am I drinking for fun
when I could be scrapbooking?"

[ clicks ]

Oh, nice.
Charlie got his
creepy picture.

Now he can get going.

Okay, let me get one
with just me and Jordan.

If this is going
in your scrapbook,
I want to fix my hair.

Your hair looks great!
We gotta do this now.

- [ clicks ]
- Okay, got it.

Now I just send this.

Okay, what the hell's
going on here?

- Give it back.
- I will give it back to you

when you tell me
what is going on.

Why are you sending
this picture to Maggie?

Maggie?

We're in a competition
over whether I can cheat
on her or not.

And if I don't send that photo
in the next 15 seconds,
I'm gonna lose.

- Oh, sorry, dude.
- Thanks.

And send.
And I win!

So this is all
about proving how good
of a cheater you are?

Do you understand
how sensitive of a subject
this is for me?

Yes, that's why
I lied about it.

Because I respect you.

You are
a horrible person.

Okay, okay, clearly
this is a tense subject
for you,

so why don't you and Sean
just put on your robes

and crawl under
this dubious comforter

and I'll be on my way out?

No, I'll be
on my way out.

You go work
at your strip club

and you go accept your award
for Cheater of the Year.

Where are you going?

Home to make a scrapbook
that celebrates dignity
and fidelity.

Just so you know,
I'm going after her

and I'm probably gonna be
trashing you quite a bit.

Do what you gotta do, bro.

- Hey.
- Hey, you made it.

What, you didn't
think I'd show

because you won
the cheating contest?

The cheating cont--
oh, that's right,
I did win.

I almost forgot
that I completely
outsmarted a PI.

[ laughs ]
In your face.

I'm breaking up
with you.

Because I said,
"In your face"?
I didn't mean that.

It was just a more
clever way of saying,
"Ha-ha."

I just don't
feel comfortable
being with a guy

who I know
could cheat on me
if he wanted to.

But I don't want to.

Then why
did you go through
all the trouble

trying to prove
that you could?

Because we were
playing a game.

Trust me,
when I actually cheat,
I'm really sloppy.

You'd catch me
in a heartbeat.

It's happened
a million times.

So you've been
caught cheating
a million times?

See?
Sloppy.

I'll see you later,
Charlie.

- It was fun.
- [ scoffs ]

No, it wasn't.

You didn't have to run
all over town

looking for a beard
to match your eyebrows.

It was a disguise.

I was trying to prove
that I could cheat on her

and she's just mad
'cause I won.

Well, congratulations.

Being the best
used to mean something
in this town.

So, I showed up
at my mother's house
last night,

unannounced,
and I said,

"That's it, Mom.
We're through.

We're done with the anger
and the back-stabbing.

I love you, Mom."

Oh, my God, Patrick,
that's wonderful.

That's because
of you, Jordan.

You helped me find
the courage inside myself.

Thank you, Jordan.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Charlie,
did you hear that?

Patrick had an incredible
emotional breakthrough

with his mother
last night

and he says
it's because of me.

Well, great work,
Jordan.

And, by the way, his mother's
been dead for years.

I'm sorry.
That was wrong.

It's just I had
a really rough day
in art class yesterday

and I needed some praise
from an authority figure.

I'm glad you felt
you could be so cavalier

about damaging our budding
therapeutic relationship.

Eh.

Any other lies
you guys told Jordan
that you want to cop to?

- Nah.
- Nolan: No.

- No.
- Guys.

I didn't donate a kidney
to an American Indian.

I didn't get a job
at the Apple store.

I had an apple
in a store.

And I didn't really think
you looked cute today.

For some reason,
that hurts the most.

Well, I think
we should celebrate.

I got my license
back today.

[ cheering ]

And Jordan has done
a fantastic job
in my absence.

So, any final thoughts
for the group?

I want you guys to know
that this has been a very
enriching experience for me.

And, Lacey, once again
I apologize for getting upset
with you the other day.

It's just, um--

That I'm sexier than you
and you're jealous?

No, it's that--

I'm younger than you
and you're jealous?

No, it's that, um--

Men stare at me
when I pass by

and they call you ma'am
and ask if you need help
crossing the street

because you're so old?

Okay, I get it.

Keep it together, Jordan.
Keep it together.

[ sighs ]
I'm fine.

Just been a little
on edge this week

because of Sean's new job,

but he came home last night
and told me

that the only reason he was
working at the strip club

is to pay his way
though nursing school.

'Cause that's what
he really wants to do.

Uh, Jordan, I think
Sean said that--

I'm gonna believe it, okay?
I have to believe it.