All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E74.Charlie.Pledges.a.Sorority.Sister.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

So, all the insecurities
you've written down

are in the fireplace.

And now it's time
to get rid of them

in a baptism of fire.

Yeah, I gotta tell ya,
I'm having second thoughts.

I was nailing these shots
from the stairs last night,

but I don't know.

Come on, Charlie.

Let's burn this place
to the ground.

Geronimo!

Yeah, that just
sealed the deal.
Arrows down.

All right, well,
we still have a few
minutes left.

Anybody have anything
they want to share?

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

I'm dating Tiffer Scranson.

Tiffer Scranson.

Tiffer Scranson!

Lacey, saying it louder
isn't gonna make us know
who it is.

Tiffer Scranson!

Okay, you're not
gonna believe this,

but I think I just figured out
who she's talking about.

He's the music producer,
right?

Yeah, and he's taking me
to the MTV Video Music Awards.

Charlie:
That's great, Lacey.

You finally met
someone substantial.

- What's he like?
- Oh, there's gonna be
a red carpet,

an after party,
and a swag bag.

Oh, he sounds terrific.

Oh, my God,
the red carpet?!

Please let me
design your dress.

Are you sure you want
to design her dress?

It'll just end up in a ball
on the floor of a limousine.

I don't care.
This could jumpstart
my career.

I just can't do it,
Patrick.

It's too much to ask.

And also,
you're a nobody.

Please, I will do anything
to get this.

I'll even do
what's his name's tux.

[ imitating Lacey ]
Tiffer Scranson!

What? Isn't that
how you're supposed
to say it?

Charlie, I want you
to meet my friend Kelly.

Hi, Kelly.
Nice to meet you.

We were sorority sisters
at Alpha Chi

and she's moving
back to L.A.

You were in a sorority?

[ flatly ]
I'm absolutely shocked.

Charlie, don't ask
about the song.

He doesn't have to.

♪ Alpha Chi
till the day we die ♪

♪ You're gonna like
our apple pie ♪

♪ We're hot, we're funny,
our disposition's sunny... ♪

I thought you were gonna
do that with me.

Not while I'm sober.

Hey, I'm sober.

And you did that anyway.
Good for you.

Hey, the three of us
are going to the bar
tonight to watch the game,

so I was thinking if you
weren't doing anything,
you should come.

Please,
for the love of God.

Sure, I don't have
any plans.

- Okay.
- Great.

So, Kelly, what brings
you back to L.A.?

The music business.
I'm a song writer.

Plus, I've been
wanting to see Jordan

ever since I read in
the Alpha Chi newsletter
that her husband left her.

Who would put that
in there?

You did.

Nobody kept
in touch with me.

The divorce must have
been really tough.

Ugh, I can't imagine
what that's like.

I've never been dumped.

I guess I'm just
lucky in love.

That's what makes you
so special.

Oh, hold on.
I have a call.

Aunt Betty?
No, I'm not on my way.

Oh, my God.
That is today?

I will be there
as soon as I can.

Kelly, I am so sorry.

I promised my aunt
that Sean and I

would go to my cousin's
Nordic folk dance recital.

That sounds great.
Have a good time.

You're going with me.
But you guys should
still watch the game.

- Is that okay with you guys?
- I'm fine with it as long
as Charlie is.

Oh, I'm good as long
as you're not gonna
be all bummed out

about missing
the emotional thrill ride
of the Danish dance-off.

It's Nordic,
not Danish.

And "dance-off"
implies exciting
competition.

This is merely
a three-hour clogging

and snowshoe dance
exhibition.

Oh, God, please
don't make me go.
I'll do anything.

You're going.

Charlie, can I talk to you
for a minute in the other room?

It's about the clinic.

Listen,
about the clinic,

the booze in my desk
was because it was Jerry
the guard's birthday

and the bullet holes
in your desk

were because we got
a little drunk and he
let me try his gun.

Don't sleep with Kelly.

Oh, good.
I thought this was
about something else.

Look, Kelly just moved to town
and you're my partner.

I don't want it to be
awkward when we hang out.

Oh, come on, Jordan.

It's always
gonna be awkward
when we hang out.

It's not your fault.
I'm much cooler than you are.

Not you and me,
me and her.

Oh, well, then that's gonna
be awkward no matter what

'cause she's much cooler
than you, too.

- Charlie.
- Okay, okay.
I won't hit on her.

And by the way,

it's not my fault that
every person in your life
is attracted to me.

I'm the victim here.

[ theme music playing ]

Okay, you know what?

I'm online looking at a clip
of a Nordic dance recital.

I've never seen white people
move like this before.

I'm actually really
looking forward to it.

You cannot tell Charlie this,

but I made the whole thing up
so Charlie and Kelly
could be alone.

That way, Charlie can do
what he always does--

sleep with her,
find something wrong with her,

and then never
call her again.

Okay, are you doing this
for Charlie's birthday?

Because I didn't
get him anything.

Somehow, every guy
that slept with Kelly

fell in love with her
and never dumped her.

But whenever I was dumped,
she went out of her way
to rub my face in it.

"Wow, dumped again.

That must suck.
I just can't relate."

Well, now you're
gonna relate, bitch.

That's incredibly vengeful
and petty.

I know.
It's horrible
and I'm not proud.

But it feels really good
and I like it.

Hey, I got your dress.

Hang on, I'm having
a little issue with Tiffer.

Oh, tell him
I really appreciate
this opportunity.

Okay. Screw you,
you son of a bitch!

And I can't wait
to meet him.

You cheated on me
and I never want to
see you again!

So I got your dress.

How could he
do this to me?

When I called him
last night,

I could hear
he was at a concert
with another woman.

Oh, my God,
that sucks.

- But you're still going
to the awards, right?
- What?

No, I am done with him.

He couldn't even come up
with a good excuse.

He said he was at home
listening to a concert
on YouTube.

Maybe he was.

Do you know
how many times

I have been
falsely accused
of going to a concert

when really
I was at home

listening
to YouTube?

You're just saying that

because you want me to go
to the awards show with him

so that he'll wear your tux
and I'll wear your dress.

No, I wasn't even
thinking about the dress.

I am thinking
about you

and how you need to
commit to a relationship
for a change.

Maybe you're right.

I'll give him the weekend
to miss my cleavage

and then when he gets back
from the awards show,
we'll work it out.

Or you could

get back together
with him right now

and break up with that girl
who does your eyebrows.

She's the one
who can't be trusted.

- Hey.
- Hey. How'd it go
with Kelly last night?

You guys get along?

♪ Charlie.
Oh, hey, Sean.

Yeah, we found a couple
of things in common.

Thanks for the coffee,
sweetie.

I'm gonna go upstairs
to get dressed.

Okay, see you soon.

You're the best.

- I can't stand her.
- What?

We actually have
nothing in common.

Unless she doesn't like
being around her either.

- I can't believe this worked.
- What worked?

Nothing.

- What is up with you?
- Up with me?

Nothing is up with me.

It is you with whom
things are up.

Okay, now I know
something is going on.

You just used the word
"whom" properly.

All right,
don't tell her
I told you--

Jordan has a sorority girl
vendetta against Kelly.

Kelly's never been
dumped before and Jordan
wants her to know how it feels.

But why would she tell me
not to sleep with her?

I don't know.

It's some reverse cowgirl
psychology.

Reverse psychology.

Whatever, dude.
If you wanna take
the fun out of it.

I cannot believe that Jordan
thinks I'm so predictable
that she can use me.

Well, screw that.
I am not dumping Kelly.

I'll spend the next 50 years
suffering with that annoying
weirdo if I have to.

And then-- then we'll see
who's smarter than whom.

- Jordan: Charlie.
- That's Jordan.

- I do not want to get
in the middle of this.
- No, no, it's too late.

You're not gonna be
in the middle.

You're just gonna lie for me
and do everything I say.

Now act natural.

What are you doing?
You've never stood that way
before in your life.

You made me self-conscious.
I don't know what to do
with my hands.

Hey, guys.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, why?

What do you do
with your hands
that's so great?

All right.

Uh, Charlie,
did you have a good time
with Kelly last night?

Look, this is usually
where I lie,

but this time,
I'm not going to.

I slept with Kelly.
She's upstairs right now.

What?! No!

And after what I told you.

Charlie, why?

Look, I'm sorry.

I couldn't control myself.
You know me.

I do know you
and I know what
you're gonna do next.

You're gonna toss her aside
and then it's on to the next
beautiful woman.

Well, just do it already.

Get her down here right now
and rip the Band-Aid off.

It'll be painful,
but that's great.

I mean, that's life.

Actually, I'm not
gonna let her go.

Oh, so you're gonna
string her along all
afternoon and then dump her?

God, you're heartless.
When should I swing by?
Around 6:00?

No, no, no.

Something happened last night.
I felt a connection.

- This could be the one.
- What?

Hey, Jordan.

Kelly, hi.

Please don't be
mad at me.

I know Charlie's
your partner.

I didn't plan for this
to happen, but it did.

You're not upset,
though, are you?

Are you kidding?
What would make her
happier than seeing

me and her best friend Kelly
together, right, Jordan?

Yeah.
What are the odds?

Sean, let's go
get some drinks.

It's breakfast time
and you're a recovering
alcoholic.

God, this day
is just getting better
and better, isn't it?

I'm so glad to hear that
I've captured your heart
because I feel the same way.

In fact,
I've written
a song about it.

A song, you say?

Mm-hmm.
[ blows raspberry ]

♪ Yesterday

♪ I met a guy
named Charlie ♪

♪ Our first date
was watching a game ♪

♪ At the Merry Peasant...

Two, three--
♪ It's this place
right on Ventura ♪

♪ Near Laurel Canyon,
Canyon ♪

♪ But if you hit Coldwater

♪ You've gone too far.

You know, I may
have gone too far.

Oh.
[ giggles ]

♪ Cleo is filing

♪ Cleo is filing

♪ Papers are piling

♪ Papers are piling

♪ So Cleo's filing...

Okay, okay, enough, enough
with the filing song.

I cannot hear one more song
about what people are doing.

What's the matter,
Charlie?

Two days ago,
I started seeing this girl

who thinks it's awesome
to sing to me

about every single
insignificant thought
that crosses her mind.

So what's wrong
with that?

Because it's awkward,
it's creepy,

and she stares at me
while she's doing it.

But she does sometimes
cry at the end,
so there's that.

Ooh, that girl sound crazy.

Why don't you just
break up with her?

Because Jordan set me up
with this girl hoping
I'd dump her.

But I'm not gonna give her
that kind of satisfaction.

I gotta get this girl
to dump me.

Ooh, Charlie,
I know what you need.

You need a kind of
instant break-up,

the kind that happens
when they catch you cheating.

I know, I know,
but I can't just ask someone,

"Hey, can you pretend like
we're on a romantic date

so my crazy girlfriend
can walk in on us and
break up with me?"

My sister will do it
for a couple hundred bucks.

- What?
- She's a single mom and
she really needs the money.

And she's a good actress, too.

Whenever the cops
would come looking for me,

she'd get them to believe
that I wasn't home.

Except for the time
she invited them inside
for a beer.

We had a talk about that.

You know what?
This could work.

If she can be
at my house at 6:30 today,
that would be great.

- What's her number?
- You know, Charlie?

This is the first time
somebody's asked me for
my sister's number

and I haven't stabbed them
in the throat.

It feels good,
doesn't it?

Yeah, we'll see.

So you're a music
producer, huh?

Aw, crap.

You don't have a band,
do you?

Aw, crap.

No, no, I don't
have a band.

- I'm just making conversation.
- Well, forget it.

I'm not signing you
and I'm definitely not
listening to your demo.

- What's the name of your band?
- "Douche on a Stool."

Well, my entire body
has been waxed, bleached,

lasered, buffed,
and polished.

It's true.

I spilled a Coke on her
and it beaded up and
rolled right off.

Here, you can take off
the jacket now.

You look really handsome
in that tux.

You're so hairless.
You're like a mannequin
or something.

[ giggles ]
Oh, my God, Nolan,
what did I say I looked like?

- A mannequin.
- A mannequin.

I'm gonna walk Tiffer
to his car.

Did you know there's a job
where you can wax

the hair off
a woman's body all day?

Look what just fell out
of Tiffer's pocket.

Two tickets
to last night's
Drake concert

and pictures of him
with some girl in
a photo booth.

I asked you a question.

Did you know
and not tell me?

- [ knocks on door ]
- Coming.

Mom, it's a two-year-old kid.

If he's crying,
pick him up.

Then maybe put down
the beer.

I gotta go.
Screw you!

Hi. I'm Vanessa,
Ernesto's sister.

I can tell.

You both have that
come-hither-and-I'll-
kill-you kind of look.

I know, right?

So what do you
want me to do?

Well, Kelly will be here
any minute,

so we're just gonna
sit on the couch,

have a glass of wine,
so when she walks in,

- it'll look like
we're on a date.
- Whatever.

But no wine.
I'm very careful about
what I put into my body.

Okay, fine.
No wine.

But it has to look like
she's catching us
doing something.

There's no way
I'm doing anything with you.
I don't even know you.

I understand,
but it has to seem like
we know each other.

Then we're gonna have to
pretend or something.

Okay, welcome to
where we are.

[ knocks on door ]

You know what?
Just go upstairs,

count to three,
and then come down
like we just had sex.

Fine.

Kelly, what are you
doing here?

You told me to come at 7:00
and it's 7:00.

Dang!

That was some good
sexual intercourses
we had, Charlie.

Oh, hello.

- Who's this?
- Who's this, Charlie?

Is this another one
of your girlfriends
like I am?

God, you must be
so mad catching us.

- Are you mad?
- Well, of course she's mad.

How could she not be mad?
She just caught us having sex.

- She probably wants
to leave me right now.
- I can't believe this.

Yeah, this is horrible.

I was just telling Charlie,
in between rounds of
intercourses--

- [ cell phone chiming ]
- Mom, what do you want?

Well, who told you to give him
a fire extinguisher?

Well, that's what you get
for giving him matches.

I'm on my way.

I gotta go.
You, it was nice to meet.

And you,
I'll call you...

for more intercourse.

- [ door slams ]
- [ sighs ]

Kelly, I'm so sorry
you had to see that.

Charlie,
what is going on?

I'm a sick man
is what's going on.

I'm compelled to be

with many different women
at the same time

and probably
a much wider variety
than you'd expect.

Charlie...

Look, I completely
understand

if you want to walk out
that door and never
see me again.

- Oh, yeah?
Well, you know what?
- What?

♪ I'm going
to change you ♪

♪ We can go
to a counselor ♪

♪ I know a good one
right on Ventura ♪

♪ Near the restaurant
we went to... ♪

I feel so fortunate

to have found a woman
so understanding.

♪ There's five more
verses... ♪

Awesome.

All right, we're here.

Let's hit it, babe.

Oh, wait,
let me check
my hair, okay?

You look perfect.
Like an angel.

An angel
with a huge rack.

Aww.

- [ crowd shouting ]
- [ camera shutters clicking ]

Thank you so much
for stopping me from
breaking up with him.

- And I thought
he was cheating.
- Cheating?

Yeah, I mean,

I thought he was at
a concert last night
with some other woman,

but Patrick convinced me
that he was at home
watching YouTube.

Tiffer is the best.

I feel like
he could be the one.

Lacey, wait.

There's something
I gotta tell you
about Tiffer.

No, you don't.

He is cheating on you.

Patrick found ticket stubs
and a picture of him
and some girl

that fell out
of his coat pocket.

So you knew
he was cheating on me
this whole time

- and you didn't say anything?
- What was I supposed to say?

The guy you like
is cheating on you?

Yes!

Well, now I know
for next time.

This is how people learn.

You are a selfish dick!

I agree,
but the best revenge
is looking great.

Go!

You're right.

I'm here, this is
a great opportunity,

I might as well
make the most of it.

And of all things,
remember this--

it's not Patrick,
it's "Pa-treek."

Pa-treek.
Got it.

We'll be watching.

Why would you
do that to me?

When my heart hurts,
I have to say stuff
when I think it.

Well, that's just
stupid and sad.

Woman:
Thank you so very much.

Oh, my God.
Look, she's on TV.

Oh, my gosh,
will you look at this?

This is the most
gorgeous dress
of the evening.

- Who are you wearing?
- Versace.

No!

Hi.

Thank you for coming.

- I got you a scotch.
- Ah, no problem.

Although, I do hate
being away from
my Kelly-belly.

Thanks.
Here, I'll trade you.
Keep 'em coming.

Look, I'm gonna
make this quick.

I...

left you alone with Kelly
because I wanted you

to sleep with her
and dump her.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

So you tricked me

into falling in love
with the woman of my dreams

and now-- now you want me
to break up with her?

Well, I was hoping
you would,

but now that you've
fallen in love with her--

Okay, I'll do it.

- But only for you.
- Really?

Yes, yes.
You're more important.

I mean, sure, I could've
had a wonderful future
with this woman,

but you,
you're my pal.

Charlie.
I found you.

You always do.

Jordan, could you
give us a minute alone?

Sure.

Let her down hard.

Please.

It's so good
to see you.

Yeah.

Look, I need to talk
to you about something.

I hate to do this,

but I really think
that we should break--

I'm breaking up
with you.

- What?
- I'm breaking up with you
and I did it first.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So this is your way
of never being broken up with?

Maybe that's our problem.
You don't make any sense.

In any case, you're not
breaking up with me.

I am breaking up
with you.

Well, either way,
as long as I'm out.

♪ I'm so sorry
for breaking your heart ♪

♪ It's probably
better this way... ♪

- Sweetie, are you okay?
- I'm fine. Charlie's not.
I just dumped him.

- What?
- You should probably
go console him

since you know
how that feels.

Look, I don't know
what they did to you people

during hazing
in Alpha Chi,

but it really
screwed you up.