All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E73.Charlie.and.The.Case.of.the.Curious.Hottie.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Well, guys,
we made some
good progress today.

And on top of that,
we taught Ed how to leave

an outgoing message
on his cell phone.

- Let me see
if I got this right.
- [ beeps ]

Ed's voice:
Hi. This is Ed.
Please leave a--

Patrick's voice:
Talk louder.

Ed's voice:
I'm talking loud enough.

Lacey's voice:
This is boring.

Charlie's voice:
Lacey, just let him do it.

Nolan's voice:
Want me to make it sound
like you're at the beach?

Ca-caw, ca-caw.

Ed's voice:
Will you all just
shut the hell up?

[ beeps ]

That's good enough.

All right, everybody,
see you Thursday.

Hey, Charlie,
I know I'm behind
on my payments.

I'll have them
next week.

I found this site online
where you can rent out your
apartment to strangers.

Nolan, is paying me
really worth

leaving your apartment
in the hands of some
potential lunatic?

I think so.

Me, too.

If somebody else
is sleeping in your house,

where are you
gonna sleep?

This is not an offer.

I shouldn't
have brought it up.
I'll see y'all.

So where are you
gonna sleep?

You know how
I'm a limo driver?

I have this
regular client.

A rich guy with
a really nice guest house
with nobody living in it.

Well, he suggested
I live in my limo.

Limos are not made
for living in.

They're made
for flashing people

right before you puke
and pass out.

- You can't do this, Nolan.
Where are you gonna shower?
- Not an issue.

The subletter's
only staying eight nights,

so I'll be right
on schedule.

I stand corrected.

And a little
further back.

- Oh, hey, Jen.
- Hey, Charlie.

I got great news.

I'm dating
a divorce attorney.

You might recognize him
from the bus stop bench
up the street.

He sleeps on a bench?

No, that's where
his ad is.

But you can't see it
because there's usually

somebody sleeping
in front of it.

Well, congrats.
That is great news.

And I've got
even better news.

He says you owe me
a crapload of money.

Jen, we go through this
every two years.

I gave you everything
your lawyer asked for.

You got more money to live on
every month than I do.

Well, it doesn't
seem that way.

You make terrible decisions
and invest in terrible
businesses.

Remember Share-a-keet?

Hey, there's a big market
for people who don't want
the burden

of caring for
a parakeet full time.

Yeah, but the birds got
so stressed out moving
from house to house,

they tried to kill themselves
by banging their heads against
their little mirrors.

Look, Charlie,
say whatever you want,

but my lawyer boyfriend
thinks you have more money
than you let on.

And you're gonna
trust this guy?

I've seen his picture
on that bench.

He's wearing a crown
and giving a thumbs-up.

Whatever.

And by the way,
that business
would've worked.

I just picked
the wrong animal.

It should've been
Share-a-dog.

Yeah, that would've been
much better.

Hey, son, you know that puppy
that you love so much?

Well, the month's up.
Time to give him back
to the Johnsons.

Hey, if you stop crying,
I'll give you a suicidal
parakeet.

[ theme music playing ]

Thanks for dropping
me off, Sean.

I had a wonderful time
last night.

Yeah, it was amazing.

I told you
you'd like "Frozen."

It wasn't half bad.

I mean, you know,
what I saw of it from
between your legs.

See you tonight.

Oh, by the way, tonight
we're sexing it up

to my movie--
"Reservoir Dogs."

Oh, is that about dogs

who are trying
to find their way home
from a reservoir?

Yeah.
Yeah, it is.

One's missing an ear.
It's a whole thing.

- Warden.
- Hello, Jordan.
Is Charlie here?

No, he's a little late.

Look, I know
you're upset with him.

Damn right I am.

Charlie told everybody about
a mistake I regretfully made
when I was younger.

And now I'm going to make
his life a living hell until
I can get him fired.

What's the big deal?

You did a porn.

It humanizes you.

It's like in magazines

when celebrities
are walking a dog

or pumping
their own gas or--

Licking chocolate syrup
off their best friend's
boobs on the Internet?

Yeah.

"Wardens,
they're just like us."

- Warden.
- I just came by
to tell you

we're stepping up security
for all department heads

involved in
prisoner psychology.

But that's just me.

Oh, then I guess
you'll be the only one

getting a cavity search
every day.

Look, I understand
that you're mad,

- but we can talk about--
- Every day.

Bye, Warden.
Thank you.

Wow, you're so up her butt,

if they gave her
a cavity search,
they'd find you.

Hey, can I ask you
something?

Sean and I were talking
last night

and the subject of maybe
moving in together came up.

And a part of me
really wants to
give it a shot,

but Sean's just been
a womanizer for so long,
I'm not sure he can change.

Hey, I was a womanizer
when I got married,

but my wife took
a leap of faith with me.

And then you cheated on her

with a woman from every city
in the country.

That is not true.
I never slept with
anybody in Pittsburgh.

But, God,
that woman was hot.

Man, I am so ready
for this week to be over.

Yeah, they still
checking your tonsils

from the wrong end
at security?

Yeah, and they
just switched out

the little guard
with a big guard.

Man, I really miss
that little guard.

Oh, and Jen and
her lawyer boyfriend

- are digging around
for more money.
- Damn.

You know, Jordan and I
have been talking about
her moving into my place.

When you and Jen were
first living together,

did you ever think that
it would end up like this?

No, no, no.
When Jen and I
moved in together,

I thought it was gonna
last forever.

But this other girl
I was seeing, she knew
it was gonna go bad.

The other girls
always know, don't they?

It's creepy.

Speaking
of other girls,

do you see
the hot brunette
sitting behind you?

- She's been
checking me out all night.
- You should do it.

Oh, hey, if you really
wanna turn her on,

you should talk about
your ex-wife.

And her lawyer.
And all the money stuff.

That's perfect.

Girls love baggage.

- Hey there.
- Hi.

Can I buy you a drink?
Unless you're an alcoholic.

- In which case,
can I buy you two drinks?
- [ laughs ]

- I'm Maggie.
- Charlie.

Are you with someone
or can I join you?

Please, have a seat.

Just in town
on business
by myself.

Let me guess,
professional stuntwoman.

Actually, I work
for Hickory Farms.

Missed it by one.

Hey, folks,
there's a white
Toyota Camry

blocking the service
entrance.

- Crap, that's me.
Excuse me.
- Sure.

As long as I have
your attention, uh,
I'm single again,

so if there are
any men here over 45,

could you please leave

so it's easier for me to see
the guys here who are
between 25 and 30?

[ cell phone vibrating ]

Hey. How's it going
with this girl?

'Cause I'm thinking
of taking off.

Well, I thought
it was going great

until I saw this.

"Just checking in.
Did you tail him
to the bar yet?

Let me know the second
you dig up anything."

I'm think she's
a private investigator
and she's tailing me.

- Jen must've hired her.
- Why would Jen do that?

She's trying to find
all the money I'm hiding
that I don't have.

That's why she's been
staring at me all night.

I mean, I know that I'm easy
on the eyes, but sometimes
you gotta take a break.

- [ knocks on window ]
- Coming. Coming.

Lacey, uh,
come on in.

Sorry about the mess.

I had to take a bunch
of frat guys to a strip club

and I am way behind
on my housework.

The guy you rented
your place to is
loud as hell.

He screams all night long.

Gary?
Yeah, he's an actor.

He's auditioning for a role
in a horror film.

I don't think
he's the killer, though.

Unless he's horrified
by what he's doing.

I can't sleep.
I can't think.
I can't do anything.

Well, you could
stay here.

It's quiet
and there's plenty of room.

I'm not gonna sleep
in this limo with you.

- There's no privacy.
- What are you talking about?

You can take
the master bedroom

and I'll just sleep on
the couch in the media room.

It's all the same room.

Fine, I'll stay.

Great.

Oh, and if you have
any delicates,

I'm doing another load.

That's a champagne bucket.

Yeah, not until I pick up
Mr. and Mrs. Feinstein
tonight at 8:00.

They're going to the opera.

Dude, what is your problem,
driving like that?

Hey, that is how
you lose somebody who
is tailing you, all right?

You cut across
a church parking lot,
double back in the alley

while they're sitting at
a stoplight somewhere wondering
what the hell happened.

She just parked
down the street.

How did she find us?

Because she was hired
by Jen, you idiot.

Jen knows where I live.

You ruined
a church carnival
for nothing.

I told Jen to come over.
I'm gonna give her
a piece of my mind.

How long do you think
that P.I. is gonna
wait out there?

For all I know,
she could be there
all night!

You don't have to knock.
I can see you.

What's up?

- Oh, hey, Sean.
- Hey, Jen.

So I hear
you're seeing Jordan.

- How's that going?
- Yeah, great.

I know what you're thinking,
but you know what?

I've done a lot of growing up
since you and I were together.

Oh, so mentally,
you're, like, 12 now?

Ouch. Sizzle.
Dis. Burn.

So what's going on,
Charlie?

What am I doing here?

I know that your lawyer
boyfriend put a lot of
ideas in your head,

but having me
followed by a P.I.

to find all my hidden money
is way over the line.

First of all,
I'm not having you
followed by a P.I.

And second of all,
did you just admit

that you have
hidden money?

Yes, yes.

You nudge
the giant spoon
to the left

which spins
the refrigerator around,
revealing a secret stairwell

leading down
to my money cellar.

What are you doing?

Nothing.
It was crooked.

Don't look at me anymore.

Oh, come on, Jen,
just admit it.

The P.I.
is right out there
in her car.

- I could just ask her.
- Go right ahead.

I didn't hire anybody.

I'm not even seeing
the lawyer anymore.

After I left your house,
I kind of saw him in
a different light.

What, you realized
what a money-grubbing
lowlife he is?

That and when I came home,
he was wearing my stuff.

Okay, okay, fine.

But if you
didn't hire the P.I.,
then who the hell did?

I'm gonna figure this out.
I'm good at these things.

Charlie, do me a favor--
put on a pot of coffee.

I'm gonna need
some index cards
and some Scotch tape.

Okay, who hates you
right now?

Oh, crap.
It's the warden.

Thanks, Jen.
You just sucked all
the life out of that one.

Why would the warden
hire a P.I.?

That is the real question.
This is gonna take some time.

Because she wants
to catch me doing
something

that will violate my contract
and get me fired.

Damn it.
You didn't even
give me a chance.

Now I gotta figure out
how to turn this
on the warden.

Yes.
Now, three ways--

- three ways.
- I've got it.

Son of a bitch.

I wish I had something
juicy to say,

but he's just hanging out
with his neighbor.

Neighbor's cute, though.

I hired you to follow Sean.
What do you got?

There's really
nothing to report.

I haven't even seen Sean
look at another woman.

Okay, I just
really need to know

that I can trust this guy
enough to move in with him.

I mean, the last guy
that I moved in with
was my ex-husband

and he ended up having
an affair with my sister.

- Oh, my God!
- Thank you.

You get it.

Gotta go.

- You scared the hell outta me.
- I just wanna know

what a woman who works
for Hickory Farms

is doing sitting
outside my house.

Unless you're
going door-to-door
selling cheese.

No, that's tomorrow.

I'm just mapping out
my route tonight.

Do you live on this street?

[ gasps ]
Do you like sharp cheddar?

Look, I know you're
a private investigator
and who you work for.

I know you're not allowed
to say who it is,

- but we both know.
- How'd you find out?

Because I work very closely
with her and she's crazy.

So here's the deal.

I want you to
stop working for her
and start working for me.

I can't do that.
That's unethical.

I'll pay you double
what she's paying you
right now.

I am a P.I.
It's not like I took
an oath or anything.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to dig up
any kind of dirt you can.

The sleazier, the better.
You start tonight.

That's too bad.

I was thinking
maybe we could go out,

have some drinks,
see what happens.

I can't do that
if I'm working for you.

That is why I want you
to start tomorrow.

[ knocks on window ]

Oh, sure.
Just sit there.

I guess I'll get it.

Don't forget
to ask who it is.

There's a giant window
right here.

Yeah, but it's tinted.

- You can see out.
- Just ask.

- It's Patrick and Ed.
- Ask!

- Who is it?
- Ed: Ed and Patrick.

Oh! Let 'em in!

Hey, guys. Come in.
What a nice surprise.

We thought we'd drop by

and see how you guys
are doing

and drop off a little
house-warming present.

Patrick:
It's kind of traditional.

Salt, so your life
always has flavor.

Bread, so you'll
never know hunger.

And motor oil
because you live
in a damn limo.

Ed!

And motor oil
'cause you live
in a damn limo.

Lacey, we have company.
Maybe you want to put
something out?

I would have loved to
if you hadn't eaten
everything

while you were playing
video games all day.

Hey, I get one day off.
I want to come home and relax.

So what do you think,
I don't work?

That keeping this car
nice for you isn't work?!

Today, I Dustbusted
your old Doritos out
of the upholstery.

I wasn't on vacation.

Well, thanks
for having us.

We'll be going now.

You're not going
anywhere!

Nolan, why don't you
run down to the store

and get our guests
some snacks?

And while you're at it,
why don't you grab
a bottle of vodka?

There it is!
There's the real reason!

What are you saying,
you ass?

I'm not gonna say it
in front of the company.

- Just say it.
- Yes, please,
please, just say it.

You drink every night!

You're damn right I do!

I live in constant fear
of this car being towed

because you don't know
how to read the damn
parking signs.

There's confusing!

They make them
that way on purpose!

I'm going out.
Don't wait up for me.

[ door slams ]

My God,
it's like

"Who's Afraid of
Virginia Woolf"
on wheels.

She'll be back.
She always comes back.

Lacey!

So now we're doing
"Streetcar."

- Hey.
- Hey. So what you got?

I have tons
of shots of her

stealing hundreds of dollars
worth of office supplies.

Oh, that's great.

I can't wait to take
this bitch down.

She thinks she's
so high and mighty.

Really?

She seems like a chipper
little blonde to me.

No, no, no, no.
Do not underestimate
this woman.

She's a killer.

Seriously? Her?

Trust me,
she makes me submit to
a cavity search every day.

Really?
Why do you
put up with that?

- What else can I do?
- Just say no?

I wish I could.

It's the only way
she'll let me come to work.

Listen,
now that you're done
working for me,

maybe we can hang out
together again?

Yeah, you know,

your life seems
a little complicated
right now.

Why don't you
sort things out
and then call me?

Hello, Charlie.
I'm glad I caught you here.

Well, there she is.
I was just about to
come down to your office.

- I have something
to show you.
- Me, too.

Here's your new parking pass.

I changed your spot
so you could be closer...

to your house.

I can't believe
I ever liked you.

- I can't believe
I ever slept with you.
- Get in line, missy.

This little chess game
is about to end.

I think after you see
these pictures,

I'll be getting
two things back--

my parking space

and the dignity
of my butt.

So feast your eyes
on this.

A picture of Jordan
putting one of our laser
printers in her car?

What?

These are all
pictures of Jordan.

Yeah, and she's stealing
a lot of stuff from
the prison.

Boy, now I get to fire
your business partner.

Thank you for this.

- Warden, how you doing?
- I am awesome. You're fired.

What the hell happened?

I am still trying
to figure it out.

But here's what I do know,

there's a P.I. out there

who thinks you and I
are into some really
freaky stuff.

- [ door opens ]
- Nolan: Lacey, I'm home.

I'm gonna make you
the best dinner you've ever--

What's going on?

I was hoping to be gone
before you got back.

I'm leaving, Nolan.

Oh, come on.

You're just upset
'cause we're not getting along

and we can't
stand up straight
or eat hot food.

I don't want
to discuss it.

I left you a note
in the media room.

I can't crawl past you.

Can you just tell me
what it says?

Yeah.

Well, first it says that
by the time you read this,

I'll be gone,
so forget that.

And then I told you that
we moved in together too quickly

and it's just
not gonna work out."

So you're just gonna
throw away

the past two and a half days
because of what?

30 or 40 horribly
viscous fights?

Every relationship
has its ups and downs.

Look, Nolan,
this might have worked out
if things were different.

Like if we didn't
live in a car.

But we do,
so it's over.

But we did have
some good times,
didn't we?

Of course we did.

Like when we opened up
the sunroof and looked
at the stars.

Yeah.

And then that homeless guy
tried to crawl in

and I thought it was
a zombie attack.

But then you
pepper sprayed him

and he ran down
the street screaming...

Both:
"My eyes! My eyes!"

That was fun.

Yeah, yeah, it was.

So I guess I'm just gonna
go back to my apartment.

Are you gonna stay?

No.

Too many memories.

Did you talk to the warden?
What did she say?

I cannot believe
you were actually
stealing office supplies.

Look, it got outta hand.
I feel terrible.

I will pay for everything.
I just want my job back.

Well, you got it.

- Really?
- Yes.

I found some loopholes
in the system.

There's a couple
of situations where
you're not allowed to fire

a state employee,
and you're in one
of those situations.

What's the loophole?

You're a hardcore
heroin addict.

- What?!
- The warden
totally bought it.

She said it explains
your stealing

and the fact
that you're radically
unbearable to be around.

That is crazy.

I just stole
some stupid office supplies.

Well, you had to.

It took a lot of paperclips
to pay for your ride on
the white horse.

I can't believe this.

Look, none of this
would've happened

if hadn't hired a P.I.
to follow Sean.

I'm sorry.

All that talk
of moving in together
just freaked me out.

Well,
here's some good news,

you can put moving in
with Sean on hold and
think about it some more.

- Why?
- Because you're gonna spend
the next two weeks

in government
mandated rehab.

Are you serious?

Relax, it'll be
like a vacation.

You know that fancy
rehab place in Malibu
where all the celebrities go?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, it's about
30 miles past that.

Oh, and if I were you,

I'd cut off your hair
before somebody else
does it for you.