All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E70.Charlie.and.the.Wardens.Dirty.Secret.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Okay. Nolan's here.
I want to screw with him.

Just go with me.

Hey, guys!

Hey, uh, Nolan,
what day is it?

It's Tuesday.

No, it's Thursday.

You've been asleep
for three days.

Yeah, that happens
sometimes.

Anyway, I got
some good news!

I was selected
completely at random

to get a free iPhone.

- How random is that?
- Oh, my God, so random.

It's like, hello,
random.

I fought for this
country for nothing.

Oh, wait a minute.
A free iPhone?
I want one.

Sorry, it's some sort
of marketing promotion.

You have to have a special
invitation to pick it up
at this hotel.

I have one
and you don't.

What are you
gonna do about it?

Take it back.

I'm not a good bully.

I'm more of a
talk-behind-your-back-

and ruin-your-reputation
kind of a guy.

What's to stop us
from copying this thing

and getting
our own free phones?

- Ethics.
- Oh, yeah, says
the alcoholic

who puts booze
in his soda can.

That doesn't make me
an alcoholic.

I put Captain Morgan
in here.

That makes me...

a pirate.

Get your foot off my table,
Captain Morgan.

What took you
so long?

Sorry, I've been trying
to convince the prison board

to give me back
my therapy group.

I've got five guys in there
that really need my help.

But the new warden
just shut us down.

Well, you must be
really pissed.

Well, I was.
But I've been using
the same anger tools

that I teach you guys
to stay calm,

so I'm okay now.

Anybody want a walnut?

No? Just me?
Okay.

So, you're in control.

Maybe walnuts
won't do it.

Coconut, anyone?

Are you close enough
with the warden to make
a personal appeal?

I mean, what's your
relationship like?

Our relationship?

You know, you are
a lot friendlier
than the old warden.

I only had lunch
with that guy.

Did you just want
to have lunch?

I may have
jumped the gun here.

No, no, no, no.
You're perfect.

I just never expected
a warden to be so incredibly

sexual and amphibious.

You mean
"ambidextrous."

No, amphibious.

The thing you did
in the bathtub was crazy.

I thought you were
gonna drown for a second.

Yeah, I can be
pretty crazy.

All I know is,
if you put half the stuff
you just did on video,

you'd be
a rich woman.

Yeah, well, it doesn't
pay as well as you think.

Yeah-- whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Excuse me?

This is between
you and me.

But, when I was
in college,

a girlfriend and I
made a homemade porn

to make money
for spring break.

Well, that's awesome.

Most kids just get
a summer job at Quiznos.

Our relationship
was totally professional.

But now she wants to run
for state attorney general

and she thinks that
therapy for felons

makes her look
soft on crime.

Anyway, I feel awful.
I'm not looking forward

to telling theses prisoners
that their group is gone.

I don't know.
You're pretty good
with women, Charlie.

Maybe if you get her into bed
she'll change her mind.

And by bed, I mean,
you know, sex.

Yeah, I have a real strong
feeling that's not gonna work.

[ theme music playing ]

Hey, guys.
How's everybody
doing today?

I'm good, esé.

[ with accent ]
I got no problem.

You got a problem
with that?

'Cause if you do,
we got problem.

Why are you
talking like that?

[ speaking normally ]
Uh, word on the street is,

when you come to prison,
you have to pick a gang.

I'm not much for
Aryan tattoos,

so, uh...
[ sniffs ]

I'm pledging
the Latin Kings.

The Latin Kings?

Dude, you're so white,

the Latin Kings will
chop you up and snort you.

Well, that's not true.
I'll have you know

I grew up with
a Puerto Rican nanny.

I know how
those people act,

how they think,
how they talk.

Oh, really?

And how do those
peopletalk?

Like that.

I'd consider rolling
your Rs more.

I'm going to r-r-roll
your head

down the stairs, esé.

See, that
was perfect.

It's probably a good time
to change the subject.

Guys, I got some
very upsetting news.

The warden has decided
to shut down this group.

So this is probably
our last session together.

- No, Charlie!
She can't do that!
- But I just got here.

Damn, Charlie!

This is my biggest
disappointment since

my mother turned
state's evidence
against me.

I know you're upset,
Ernesto, but you've made
a lot of progress here

and I couldn't be
more proud.

Be proud of me, Charlie.
I made progress, too.

I used to be sodramatic
and needy. Be proud of me!

- You've done well, too.
- Oh, that's not enough!

You've done
magnificently well.

Ooh. Magnificent.

As a psychologist,
I have a lot of sympathy

for the fact that you're
losing this group, Charles.

- Well, thank you.
- But since testified
against me in court

and got me thrown into
this Pepto-Bismol-colored
hell hole...

[ voice breaking ]
I'm really enjoying this.

And I have a feeling that your
Mexican fraternity brothers

are going to
enjoy you, too.

[ clears throat ]
Good luck.

Why is the warden
doing this to us, Charlie?

She wants to run
for state attorney general

and she's a politician.
They're all liars.

I don't know how far
she thinks she's gonna
get anyway.

I mean, she was
in a porn.

I guess she figures
shutting down the group

is gonna make her look
tough on crime and she'll
get more votes.

Uh, back up. Back up,
back up, back up, back up.

Back up!
[ laughs ]

Charlie, did you just say
the warden did a porn?

How do you know?

Okay, she told me that she
made one a long time ago.

- [ phone chimes ]
- I didn't mean to say that,
but what the hell,

I got nothing to lose
now anyway.

Charlie, I just
got a text.

The warden
wants to see you.

Damn, that bitch
has good hearing.

Tell her I'll be
right there.

Charlie is in
aqua caliente.

[ sighs ]
It's agua.

I'm gonna cut you
so bad.

Please don't.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes, please sit down.

Maybe I don't want
to sit down.

Fine. Stand there.

I think I'll have
a seat.

Look, I know you're feeling
angry and betrayed,

which is why
I called you in here.

Because you wanted to see
what angry and betrayed
looks like?

No, because I want to
give you your group back.

Oh! Well, then let me show you
what surprised looks like.

Really?!

As long as you never repeat
my little porn story

that slipped out
the other night.

Oh, yeah.
Sure.

What's that expression?

That's what, "Duh, why would
I ever do that?" looks like.

You have no idea
what a relief that is.

Some people would get
angry and vindictive

and try to screw
the other person.

Well, I do hold myself
to a very high standard.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I should tell my group
the good news.

And some other stuff.

Yes, I'd like to call
and emergency session

with my group
in 15 minutes.

All right, thanks.

Hey, listen,
I'm just curious,

have you heard any
gossip about anybody here
at the prison lately?

Me? What are they saying
about me?

No, those are not implants.
They're my real calves!

Just get my group down.

Yay! My fun little rumor
took off.

That was you?

Then you owe me
a favor.

Do you mind if I tell
everybody in the prison
that you did a porn?

A porn?
Why would you say that?

Look, the warden gave me
back my group

and I let it slip
that she did a porn.

So now I've got
to tell everybody I was
really talking about you.

Don't even
think about it.

Well, don't worry.
It'll be something
simple, tasteful.

Like, you doing
a couple of guys
by a pool.

That is not tasteful.

It's a really
nice pool.

It's got a waterfall.

You are repulsive.

And you are not allowed
to tell anybody I did that.

[ sighs ]
Besides,

if I were gonna do
an adult film,

it would be in
Renaissance Italy

and I would be
assistant to Michelangelo,

who just got in a big
fight with the Pope--

Congratulations.
You just made porn dull.

All right, I'm just
gonna be straight
with the guys

and ask them
not to talk.

They don't want to lose
the group, either.

I still can't believe
the warden would do
something like that.

Hey, we all
make mistakes.

Hers was telling me
she did a porn.

I'm a little surprised
you're here, Ed.

You don't even
like smartphones.

It's free. I'd stand in line
for cholera if it's free.

You're such a hypocrite.

You're always bitching
about how people
are too dependent

on their smartphones,
but that's not true.

Here, look.
I just used mine for--

Oh, my God!
It's gone!

[ gasping ]
My phone's gone!
I'm dead! I'm dead!

I'm dead! Oh, my God!
Oh, here it is.

Hey, guys,
we're screwed.

Someone up there just
said they only sent out
50 invitations

and that means there are
only 50 free phones.

- So what?
- Well, I counted
everyone in line

and Nolan is
number 50.

Whoo!
I made it!

Hey, uh, Nolan,
if you're 50, can I
cut in front of you

so that I can be 49
and then you can be 50?

Sure.

Whoo!
I'm still in it!

So, Lacey,

could Ed and I move
in front of you

and be number
47 and 48?

Fine. Oh, wait
a second!

Oh, yeah,
that still works.

Oh, this is great!

We're all gonna
get phones.

Hey, wait a second.

You're number 50.

That means you're
the only one that
gets a phone.

Oh, my God,
you're right.
I feel terrible.

As soon as I get
my free phone I'll text
you all an apology.

Patrick, give
Nolan his spot back.
You're being a jerk.

- Thank you, Lacey.
- You're welcome.

Uh, Nolan, for being
so nice to you,

- can I be 49 again?
- Of course!

Thanks for coming in
on such short notice, guys.

I appreciate
that, Charlie.

Most people don't acknowledge
our busy schedules.

I just want
to let everyone know

that our therapy group
is back in business.

Ooh! That is wonderful!
That is wonderful!

There's just one more thing.

I may have said
something today

that you guys
can't tell anybody.

- What was it, Charlie?
- That thing about the warden
doing a porn.

Oh, that's right!
I completely forgot.

The warden,
she did a porn!

[ laughing ]

Thanks for reminding us.

I knew there was something
I wanted to tell people.

No, guys, guys, guys.
Seriously. If you tell anyone,

the warden will know
it was me and she'll take
our group away again.

Don't worry, Charlie.
Your secret's safe with us.

Yeah, the third worst
thing in prison you can
be is a snitch,

after child molester
and cop killer.

Killer.

Well, thanks, guys.
See you Thursday.

Uh, you know,
Charlie,

even though you've
ruined my life,

I want you to know
your secret is safe
with me, too.

- What's the catch?
- There is no catch.

You just have to do
something for me or I'll tell
the warden everything.

That's a catch.
That's the definition
of a catch.

I'm about to blackmail
you, Charlie.

Do you really
want to quibble?

- What do you want?
- Three simple things--

A bag of wild almonds
from Uzbekistan,

a candle in the shape
of Winston Churchill,

and six and one half ounces

of authentic Japanese
squid ink.

If it only comes in
eight ounces, get that.

I don't want
to be unreasonable.

What are you gonna do,
eat almonds and write

a haiku by the light of
Winston Churchill's
melting face?

Maybe.

You're just picking
impossible to find crap
to screw with me.

Oh, please! If I really
wanted to screw with you,

I'd make you do this
in 24 hours.

Oh, wait!
You have 24 hours.

Good afternoon,
ma'am.

Is this the line
for the free phone?

Or the Miss America
pageant?

Let me guess,

you're Miss Alaska.

I'll ask ya how old
you are, but I know
I'll hear 30.

Jesus Christ.

You mind if I stand
here in line with you?

Get the hell
out of here!

Nice to meet you.

You're 70
if you're a day.

Any luck?
They're about to start
handing out the phones.

No, nobody wants
to give up their spot.

We'll never move up
in this line by tricking
these people.

We have to panic them.
I'll yell fire and then
you all scream.

That's stupid.
Nobody's gonna
believe you.

I'll start a fire
and then you guys scream.

That's much better.
Here's my lighter.

Shame on you.
You know when you
do bad things,

bad things
happen to you.

- Are you Nolan Johnson?
- Yes, I am.

Okay, that's 50!

Everyone,
this is a sting!

Anyone with a flier,
you're under arrest

for unpaid
parking tickets.

[ all groaning ]

Boy, this free phone
better be worth it.

Let's go.

- Oh, yes. Can I help you?
- Yeah, hi.

I'm the guy that
called about the Winston
Churchill candle.

Oh, yes.
It's right here.

Oh, great.
How much is it?

Oh, it's not
for sale.

But when I called,
you told me that
you had one.

I dohave one.
It's right here.

But you never asked
if it was for sale.

Why would I call about
the candle if I didn't
want to buy it?

People get lonely.

They call because they want
to talk to other people.

I don't know.
I don't judge.

How about this
Pippa Middleton
oven mitt?

- I need that candle!
- You haven't even
looked at it.

She's bending over.

Okay.

I'll take it.

But you don't
understand,

I've got the nuts.
I've got the ink.

All I need now
is Winston Churchill!

That's some drug-induced
scavenger hunt you're on.

This is a priceless
family heirloom

My father carved this
on the beach at Normandy.

It's got a sticker on it
that says "Made in China."

It does?

Oh, well, maybe he carved
it on a beach in China.

Either way,
there was a war on.

Look, your father
didn't make this.

- How much you
want for it?
- 500.

- I'll give you 100.
- Seriously? I'll take it.

Why didn't you
just ask for that
in the first place?

People get lonely.
They want to talk
to other people.

So, tell me,
where are you from?

Sorry, dude,
I gotta go.

Good-bye.

So, Nolan, we felt
really bad about you
getting arrested,

so we got you
something.

Oh, my God!
A new phone?

Aw, thank you so much!
[ laughs ]

You even had it
engraved?

"Help!
My name is Chang Foo.

I'm 14 years old.
I'm forced to make phones

all day in dark factory
with no toilet."

Oh, my God, you guys.

That is so beautiful.

Thanks.
I wrote that.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

It's been
a crazy morning.

You lose your car keys under
a pile of strippers again?

It's not a pile
of strippers.

The correct term is
a gaggle of strippers.

But that's not
the crazy part.

I've been running
all over town

picking up
Uzbeki wild almonds,

Japanese squid ink,

and a candle shaped like
Winston Churchill.

I thought it was
a pride of strippers.

No, it's a pride of hookers,
a gaggle of strippers,

and a swarm of MILFs.

What do you need
all that stuff for, Charlie?

Are you escaping
from prison?

What?

Why would you say that?

Well, you could use the cyanide
from the wild almonds

to enter a coma-like trance
to get into the prison hospital.

The wax from the candle
is to mold a key to get out
of your room.

Then all you have to do
is waltz out the front door in
your prison chaplain uniform

which you sewed from
your bed sheets and dyed black
with the squid ink.

Oh, my God!

That's exactly
what he's doing.

How did you
put that together?

Put what together?

I gotta get that
stuff back from him.

All right,
you guys stay here

and have Nolan explain
the world economy to you.

We have vastly
underestimated that man.

See? He's in
a fake coma.

He's halfway through
his plan to escape.

How did you put it
together that he was
gonna use the almonds

for cyanide
and a Winston Churchill
candle to mold a key?

Oh, Jordan,
you're so naive.

How could you not
put that together?

All right, Randy,
wake up. It's over.

You're going
back to your cell.
Randy, wake up!

Game's over,
you son of a bitch!

Wake up! Randy!

What the hell
are you doing?!

- That man's in a coma.
- No, he's not.

He's hiding a key
he made out of Winston
Churchill in his ass.

Orderly!

He's gonna wake up
any second. Watch.

Stop it!

You're shaking a man who
was almost stabbed to death

by his cellmate
over some almonds.

No he wasn't.
It's a trick.

You'll have to excuse him.
We think he's having

an adverse reaction
to his calf implants.

No, no, no.
It's true.

If he'd been stabbed,
he'd be covered
in stab wounds.

Wow.

That's a lot
of stab wounds.

Got it.
Thank you.
Good news.

Just found out they're
transferring Dr. Randy

to a hospital
in a different prison.

And by the way,
I was right.

They found a wax key
in his underwear.

Apparently it took Churchill
all night to tunnel out.

Well, it's like
my grandpappy used to say--

Really?!
You have a countryism
for this?

Yes, I do.

If a possum
has your brownies,

don't ask if he's
sleeping or dead,

just get your brownies back
and walk away.

Your grandpappy
drank a lot.

Oh, yeah.

He saw possums
and brownies everywhere.

Charlie!

You never told me
Ernesto's middle name
is Sylvia.

These are private
files, Cleo.

You're not supposed
to be looking at 'em.

But I didn't
know that either.
That's really weird.

Excuse me, Goodson.

- Can I talk to you
in private for a minute?
- Sure.

I just wanted to say,
I'm sorry about your
patient, Dr. Randy.

Thank you.
It was a shock
to all of us.

Although I did hear
you shook and slapped
him repeatedly.

I did.
Yes, I did.

I was just so
grief-stricken.

Not sure if you know,
but "grief-stricken"

comes from the German,
"greifstracken,"

which means to
grieve violently.

Well, look, it's been
a bit of a rough week
for both of us.

But I thought maybe
we could start over.

Would you be
interested in--

what's the German
word for it--

"resumen-der-boinken"?

Ja. Das ist gut.

Sorry to interrupt.

Someone from the infirmary
just dropped this off.

I guess Dr. Randy
woke up from his coma,

wrote this note,
and then slipped back
into unconsciousness.

"The warden wasn't born."
What does that mean?

"The warden wasn't born."
That doesn't make any sense.

No, no, no, no!
That says "The warden
was in porn."

He lost a lot of blood.
His P's upside-down.

Ahem.

No, it says
"The warden
wasn't born."

Cleo, go back to filing.

- You bastard!
- No, no, no, no!

It says "Jordan."

"Jordan was in porn."

Right, Jordan?

Tell her about the time
you had sex with the Pope.