All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E69.Charlie.Does.Time.with.the.Hot.Warden.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

How's everybody doing today?
Any anger problems?

Actually, I screamed at
a meter maid this morning.

- How bad was the ticket?
- Oh, I didn't get a ticket,

but I've just gotten
so many in the past,

I felt she had it coming.

See? See?
Right there.

That is exactly
one of the problems
I think you all face.

Getting angry
when you assume
something bad

is going to happen
before it ever does.

So I have come up
with a little game

to help you deal
with this issue head-on.

Oh, getting drunk.

I've been playing this game
since I was seven.

No, no, no, no.
We're not getting drunk.

It's kind of like
Russian roulette
with beer cans.

Or what I like to call
"The Beer Hunter."

Whether we drink it or not,
did you have to go domestic?

Now, I just shook up
one of these beers,

but I don't know
which one.

So you're all going to
hold the beer up to your
chin and open it.

So somebody's
gonna get soaked.

I don't know.
There's six beers
and I only shook up one.

Maybe nobody
will get soaked.

Let's start with you, Nolan.

You weren't nervous at all.

I've seen enough movies.
It's never the first one.

All right, Lacey,
you're next.

I'm so pissed right now.

I just got my hair done.
If this gets all over me--

It'll be just another one
of your Saturday nights.

You see, Lacey?
You're getting angry
and nothing's happened yet.

And odds are,
nothing will.

But we know
it's not Nolan

and there's only four of us
and six beers cans.

That means there's
a 50% chance it's me.

And there's a 100% chance
I'll never ask you
to do my taxes.

Hmm. Thank you
for the lesson,
Charlie,

but you all missed out
because I look amazing
when I'm wet.

Patrick,
give her your beer.

No, no, no. No, no.
Ed's next.

Mine's fine.

Oh, my God,
then it's me.

Damn it.
Give me another one.

No, no. Sorry.
Game's over.

[ chuckles ]
I know what you did.

You didn't
shake any of them up.

No, actually, I shook up,
like, four of them.

I don't know
what the hell happened.

All right, if we're
all done and Lacey's
not gonna get wet,

I have some
surprising news.

You remember that job
I got last week driving
the limo?

I still have it.

- That's great, Nolan.
- Yeah.

I'm inviting everybody out
for a free limo ride.

So we can sit across
from each other and talk.

How exciting.

Actually, I have an awesome
client who gives me $100 tips,

so I'm taking you all out
to lunch in Malibu.

That sounds like a great
team-building exercise.

And I hear the new Malibu
Taco Bell/Dairy Queen

is right on the water.

Thanks for giving it away.

I'm in.
I never turn down
a free lunch.

Or one of those bags
of top soil in front of
a home improvement center.

Ed, those bags
are not free.

Anything out front
is fair game.

This country owes me.

Whoops.
Sorry to interrupt.

- No problem.
- Mm. Very nice.

Oh, you know the garden
hose that I leave out
in front of my house?

- It's missing.
- Maybe you shouldn't
leave it out front.

Okay.

Okay, everybody,
cross your fingers.

- Why?
- Just do it.

[ beer can opens, fizzes ]

Sean:
Son of a bitch!

Thank God
one of them worked.

I thought today
was gonna suck.

Hi, everyone.
I'd like to introduce
a new member of our group.

- Randy Warren.
- Uh, Dr. Randy Warren.

Actually, the APA
revoked that title

because you were a fraud.

Well, the jokes on you
because I had my name

legally changed
to Dr. Randy Warren.

Ooh, my mama
gonna be so proud

when I tell her
I'm marrying a doctor.

Oh, it's just
a matter of time, sugar.

Look, you should know
your beloved therapist

turned me in and got me
sent to prison.

I got your license revoked
because you claimed to
have psychic powers.

And you're the one
who kidnapped an APA
board member.

And drove to Mexico
with 100 tabs of LSD

in a stolen police car.

But you knocked over
the first domino.

Charlie, you're wrong
about Dr. Randy.

He has magical powers.

Before we ever talked,

he knew the name
of the gang I was in.

It's written on your neck.

Yeah, but he read it
upside down

while I was holding him
over the railing.

- Charlie, can I talk to you?
- I'm in the middle of group.

It's about the group.
The warden is shutting it down.

- Ooh!
- What?

If you want to change your name
to "Unemployed Therapist
Charlie Goodson,"

I have some extra forms.

I'm good.

You know, it's a shame
we never got a chance
to talk about

why you hate black people
and Mexicans so much.

[ mouths ]

[ theme music playing ]

I've put in
four hard years
with that group.

And those men
are doing great.

Why would the warden
be against anger therapy?

I don't know.
The email just says
they're shutting it down.

Oh, and your metal fork
experiment is over.

Even one fork-related
stabbing is too many.

You know, they can
have the metal forks,
but screw him.

- I'm not letting him
take away my group.
- Charlie, wait.

If you piss off the warden,
we could lose the clinic, too.

Let's use some
anger management techniques.

Take a few deep breaths.

[ breathes deeply ]

Better?

No. Now I'm furious
and lightheaded.

Okay.
Okay.

Let's try
something silly

to break the escalating
pattern of angry thoughts.

- Like what?
- I-- I don't know.

- Got your nose.
- That's not funny.
Give it back.

Give it back!

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I had a drunk uncle
who took my nose

when I was five
at a family picnic.

He had a heart attack
playing softball

and never gave it back.

I stole this one
off Timmy Wilson
in second grade,

so it's a bit
of a sore spot.

Nolan, can you tell Ed
to please sit down?

Hey, I'm just giving
the neighborhood ladies

a little something
to enjoy.

Oh, they're enjoying it.

Carol, look.
That must be
a special walrus.

They're driving
him to the zoo
in a limousine.

[ cell phone rings ]

You're rolling
with Nolan.

Oh, hey, Mr. Williams.

Sure, I can.
I'm in the neighborhood
right now.

I'll be over in a sec.

Sorry, guys.

You're all gonna have
to get out so I can
pick up a client.

Get out?
We're in the middle
of nowhere.

We're in Beverly Hills.
You grew up here.

I know,
but I can't be seen
with these guys.

I mean, the only reason
I'm here is because the
windows are tinted.

I'm sorry,
but my customer

expects the car to himself
and he tips me big.

Lighten up, Nolan.

Just tell him that
we're the LA Limo
Inspection Committee.

And we're just here
to sit in for the day

- and make sure
you're doing a good job.
- How am I doing?

We're not at liberty
to disclose

what is in our report
at this time.

All right, fine.

I'll be right back.
Be cool.

He left the keys
in the ignition.
Let's go to Vegas.

Ah, hell.
Vegas is a cesspool.

Let's go to Lubbock.

Wait.
That guy's really cute.

Uh, excuse me, Nolan.
Is there some sort of
mix up here?

Oh, I probably should have
told you, but today,

I'm being observed
by the Los Angeles Limo
Inspection Committee.

Hope that's okay.

We've inspected the limo
and the ride is smooth.

Like just-got-waxed smooth.

[ door slams ]

I'm Quinn.

I'm flexible like a gymnast.

Nice mansion.

It's okay...
for the West Coast.

My house on Martha's Vineyard
is much nicer.

So I'm just gonna
ask you outright,

is there any chance
that you're gay?

No. Not at all.

I heard
a little hesitation.

So what are you doing
around 8:00 tomorrow night?

Probably soaking
in a bubble bath

after naked yoga

wishing someone was there
to massage my aching muscles.

Why?

Nolan, you can drive us
on a date tomorrow night,
can't you?

Yeah, sure.
That's fine.

Can you excuse me
for a minute?

[ cell phone chiming ]

Hello.
Yes, Nolan.

Yes, I really do
want to go out with him.

[ door opens ]

Just checking
the tire pressure.

We're good to go.

I need to see
Warden Maclasky.

I'm sorry, the warden's
no longer here.

At a quarter to 4:00?

Well, I certainly applaud
his commitment to his work.

Is he coming back?

No, he quit on Tuesday
after being stabbed
with a metal fork.

Oh.

Is there something
I can help you with?

Yeah, I guess I need to see
the new warden.

- And who shall I say is here?
- Charlie Goodson.

And tell him he better
be prepared to explain

why he's shutting down
my prison group.

Warden Hartley,
Charlie Goodson
is here to see you.

Just so you know,
I am about to use
some language,

which, even though you work
in a maximum security prison,

you may not have
heard before.

- I'm Warden Hartley.
- Hey. How are you?
Charlie Goodson.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

Sorry you had
to hear that.

Well, I'm off.

Have a great weekend.

Yup. Wait.

Uh, what happened
with Warden Maclasky?

Did he reinstate
the prison group?

Oh, yeah.
Warden Maclasky is gone,

but I did speak
to Warden Hartley.

And Warden Hartley
is willing to think about it.

In fact, I'm taking
Warden Hartley to dinner

to discuss the group
in greater detail.

- See you Monday.
- Why are you talking
like that?

This is my voice,
Jordan.

Why do you talk like
a cartoon chipmunk?

No, no. You're not
using any pronouns.

You keep saying,
"Warden Hartley."

I call Warden Hartley
"Warden Hartley"

because that's
Warden Hartley's title.

Like Senator Smith
or Officer Jones

or Doctor
Cartoon Chipmunk.

- Good-bye.
- Oh, my God.

Warden Hartley is a woman.

Yes, Warden Hartley
may happen to be female.

But as a feminist,
I don't notice gender.

The reason
you didn't mention

that she was a woman
is because you want to
sleep with her.

As a feminist,
I am appalled.

Charlie, you can't
sleep with her.

Eventually, something
is gonna go wrong,

you guys are gonna
start fighting,

and she will
make our lives
a living hell.

Relax. I'm just going to
take her out to dinner,

charm her pants off
so she'll give me
back my group.

See, you're going to
take her pants off.

I said
"charm her pants off."

Either way her pants
are coming off.

This woman
is the warden

at the prison
where we work.

And I'm not
gonna sleep with her.
I'm smarter than that.

Yes, you are smarter
than that.

Your penis, however,
makes all the decisions

and that thing
never made it past
the fifth grade.

Look, I know
I have a reputation.

And I worked
really hard for it.

But I can
control myself.

Well, maybe.

You have been able
to control yourself
around me.

Yeah, that's been
a herculean effort.

So looking forward
to this date, Nolan.

Thanks for
introducing me to Lacey.
She's smoking hot.

Glad I get to
watch the two of you
go out together.

And the fact that
I have to be sober
because I'm working

makes it even better.

So you're friends
with her, right?

What's her favorite club?

Uh, well, it's not
technically a club,

but she loves
the free clinic.

Driven her there a lot.

So whatever she's got,
it's pretty stubborn.

Hi, Nolan.
Hey, Quinn.

You look amazing.

Oh, my God.
We agree on everything.

I got you something.

[ gasps ]
Diamond earrings!

Yay! You're as rich
as I thought!

I mean, thank you.

[ tires screech ]

- Nolan!
- Sorry, squirrel.

[ tires screech ]

Sorry, another squirrel.

- [ tires screech ]
- Lacey: Ah!

Nolan, what the hell
is wrong with you?

Another squirrel.
It might be a stampede.

Probably have
a better chance of surviving
if we all separate.

Quinn, get out here.

Here you go.
You guys on a date?

No, no, no.
This is just
a business meeting.

She runs the prison
where I work.

Well, that's good 'cause
I slept with my boss once

and it got complicated.

It was a small
family business and my boss
was my brother-in-law.

Which is probably why
it got complicated.

Wow. She slept with
her brother-in-law?

Yeah, I guess maybe
she ran out of cousins.

Look, Charlie,
I'm going to level with you.

I'm cutting
your therapy group because
a lot of people think

that convicted criminals
should be punished,

not sitting around
in a little pink room

talking about
their feelings.

So we'll paint the room
a different color.

Problem solved.
You want dessert?

Charlie, this warden thing
is short term for me.

In a couple of months,
I'm going to be running
for state attorney general

and a lot of the people
I'm talking about are
campaign donors.

But if you
end the group now,

all my hard work
flies out the window

and you're left with
a bunch of angry prisoners.

You know what else
flies out the window?
Other prisoners.

I'm sorry, Charlie.
It'll look bad for me.

You know what's really
gonna look bad for you?

When your angry prisoners
stage a massive riot

and shoot down
a police helicopter

and everybody's asking you
why you let it happen.

And how exactly

did the prisoners
shoot down a helicopter?

These guys can make weapons
out of anything.

I've seen an underwear
slingshot kill a mouse
at 50 paces.

So I don't think
your little helicopter
is gonna be a problem.

I'm really impressed
by your passion, Charlie.

And based on that,
I promise I'll reconsider.

Well, thank you.

You know what's funny?
My partner was
actually worried

- that this meeting
might not go well.
- Why?

I guess she figured
'cause you're a woman and I
couldn't control myself.

I'd hit on you
and we'd end up
sleeping together.

Wow. Um, that's kind of
insulting to me.

As if I wouldn't have
any say in the matter.

I know, right?
I mean, even though I find
you incredibly attractive,

it's not like
I'm some animal that
just has to have you.

I mean, just because
we feel that way,

doesn't mean
we have to act on it.

I am really offended.

So am I.

The nerve of her.

I'm telling Jordan tomorrow
to mind her own business.

Why would she
talk about me?

She doesn't
even know me.

I think she owes
us both an apology,
I'll tell you that.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[ both exhale ]

- You're a good spanker.
- Thanks.

This is the best day
of shopping ever.

It's so cool
when everything's free.

Well, it wasn't free, Lacey.
I paid for it.

Oh, I know,
but it was free for me.

God,
you're wonderful.

Why don't you come over

and I'll tear that
new lingerie off of you?

Nolan, take us back
to my place.

No.
I won't do it.

What?

Mr. Williams,
you think you can
come in here

and buy Lacey
all this fancy stuff

and make her happier
than I've ever seen her?

Not on my watch.

Get another driver.

Look, Nolan,
I get it.

You're upset because you like
Lacey and how could you not?

I know, right?
I mean, look at me.

But there is no way
you're ever going to get her.

She doesn't want some
poor slob who can't afford
to buy her expensive things.

She's way
out of your league.

Girls like this
are for guys like me.

God, you are a dick.

Get out.

No, not you, Nolan.

You can't talk
to my friend that way.

I never want
to see you again.
Good-bye.

- But this is my limo.
- I said good-bye!

And take your--
you know what?
Just go.

Wow.

I can't believe
you did that.

So I do have
a chance with you?

Oh, no.
Not at all.

He was absolutely right.
I'm totally out of your league,

but you can't say
stuff like that out loud.

It makes poor people sad.

Well, you better watch out,
'cause now I've got a job.

And once you get a job,
you get money.

And once
you get the money...

I'll just take you home.

Hi. You had a number
on the back of your truck

that said I should call
if I had a comment.

Your driving
was excellent.

You're very welcome.

Are you serious?

It's called positive
reinforcement, jackass.

Let me try it.

As a time-wasting Pollyanna,
you're the best.

Thank you.

So how'd it go
with the new warden?

My group lives on.
I was incredibly persuasive

and I didn't even
have to sleep with her
to get what I wanted.

Sorry.
I underestimated you.

Yes, you did.

I slept with her after
I got what I wanted.

Charlie, you know
what's going to happen
now, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're going to say
the same thing

in different ways
all afternoon.

And tonight,
I'm gonna to sleep
with her again.

- Hello, Mr. Goodson.
- Good afternoon,
Warden Hartley.

Have you two met?

Warden, this is Jordan.
Jordan, Warden.

Warden, Jordan.

Nice to meet you.
We should get coffee sometime

and talk about
how even though Charlie
and I are partners,

I can easily run
the clinic without him.

You'll have to excuse Jordan.
She's mad at the world.

They cancelled
her favorite show
on Animal Planet

and that chat room
was 90% of her
social life.

Hey, since you
took me out last time,

I just came by to
see if you wanted me to
make you dinner tonight.

That's great.
Can I bring anything?

Dessert?

Or just the thunder again?

Bring both.

Okay.

I'll bring
the thunder.

And a chocolate
cream pie.

I mean, it's the least
I can do after you spared
my prison group.

We should
talk about that.

Look, Charlie,
I'm sorry, but I have
to cancel the group.

- What?!
- I talked to my advisors

and they just felt
from a PR standpoint,

that it wouldn't
be good for me.

But what about last night?

After everything we said.

And screamed.

So wait, you think
that sleeping with me

guarantees that I'll do
whatever you want?

I didn't think
it would guarantee it,

but I certainly thought
it would help.

The fact that you think
I owe you something really
pisses me off.

Well, if you're feeling
angry, you should
stop by my group.

Oh, that's right.
You cancelled my group.

You know what?
I don't have time for this.

Really? 'Cause I've got
an extra hour every day

because you cancelled
my group.

What did you do?

She shut down
my prison group.

I knew if you slept
with her that there would be
tension and weirdness.

The fact that I slept with her
has nothing to do with it.

There's tension and weirdness
wherever I go.

Now they're going to
shut down the clinic, too.

Will you calm down?
I'll figure this out.

You got involved
with her and then you
got into a fight

and now it's just a matter
of time before everything--
completely in the crapper.

- I was right.
I knew I was right.
- Well, congratulations.

I wish there was
a number on your ass
that I could call

and tell everyone
what a great job
you're doing.